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| 06:10pm 04/05/2007 |
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| I Fold And I Lay My Cards Down |
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| 10:25am 16/04/2007 |
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mood:  apathetic music: Black Tape For A Blue Girl - All My Lovers
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I am going to lay all the cards out on the table here. Since I haven’t written anything in any of my blogs for quiet a while. So here goes nothing.
I have been keeping a lot of secrets, one in which I thought needed to be kept secret because I didn’t want to hurt a certain someone that cares about me back in jersey. When he came to visit me I told him what I am about to tell you. I kept it secret because I didn’t know how he would take it. And I did value his friendship and didn’t want to lose it. I pride myself on the fact that I remain good friends with all my exes, even if they were possessive in our relationships.
A month after I moved down here I had already found myself a boyfriend. It wasn’t intentional I kind tripped and fell into a relationship. I dated this guy for like a month and then realized that we had nothing in common except great sex, but even that when sour. I started to notice he was lying to me constantly. Which is the main reason why I broke up with my last ex in jersey. I do not like liars I always want an open and honest relationship, and in this aspect it builds trust.
After I broke up with “v” I decided no more relationships for a while. And I immersed myself with as many friends as I could find to compensate the loneliness I had inside.
On new year's I slept with an amazing guy who sparked a fire in me, I want to get to know him more, but sadly he turned into a one-night stand and I realized this right after we had sex. His goals and his views were different then mine, he was popular and world known, for this is not an exaggeration. He was in several nation wide magazines and newspapers and has even been featured on the news in Australia. Unfortunately like I said it was one moment in time I will not forget. In that same week I had sexual relations with even more people. I had threesomes left and right sex for me occurred on a daily basis…
And then it all stopped.
I then met a young man who lived in Las Vegas. He was everything I was looking for in a man. He was smart, attractive and we would spend hours upon hours just talking on the phone. Something which I haven’t done since I was 16. After two weeks he stopped calling me and I didn’t hear from him for a long while. In February during a friend’s birthday party.
“V” walked back into my life. I was horny and blindsided by the fact that I did not expect to see him again; most of all places my own home. I dragged him to the bathroom and we talked. I had sex with him and thought it was going to be just that, and somehow I fell right back into a relationship with him. So for months we were together, I was getting sexually fulfilled on a regular basis and everything was great until. I asked him to move in with me. Then I started noticing his cleaning habits weren’t what I expect from him, and his lying about small things began
These things slowly started to affect me to the point I asked him to move out, I did this to save our relationship. I always jump into things head first without really thinking about them when it comes to matters of my heart.
Last night I herd some news from a friend that sent me in a fury. I called him up and asked him point blank to come clean with me and be honest. Four times I had asked “V” if he told anyone about a secret we commonly shared, and four times he denied it, saying he hadn’t told anyone…
So I broke up with him over the telephone!
Anyone who knows me understands I ask for not a lot of things when it comes to relationships of any sort. When it comes to my mates I require an occasional date. I don’t care where we go as long as it is out of the house. Which he never did, not even to a movie. I felt he was hiding me. Then there was the fact that everyone kept asking if I was still dating him as if he had been telling people otherwise. The other thing I ask for in a relationship is to occasionally help me out. He failed in this aspect as well. I am financially unable to care for myself. I work but it isn’t enough to support me so I live with a good friend of mine who supports me. Because “V” came over on a regular basis, food and drink had be consumed and all I asked was that he compensate for what he used.
Which again he failed. Mind you he did buy a 12 pack of soda once but that was all. I felt that the relationship was going nowhere and I slowly wanted out. I knew that he wasn’t happy when slowly our sex life started to diminish as well.
I spent more and more time on the computer to avoid reality and the thoughts that plagued my mind. I use my relationships for comfort from my thoughts, a place to run to when life gets hard. In this aspect he failed yet again. Where I wanted peace he made war. By negative thoughts of his job and his life. I didn’t want to hear about his fights he had at work, or his family, which constantly brings him down. I wanted someone who could converse with me and tell me everything would be ok. In this he failed.
So with the telephone conversation being the straw that broke the camels back, I left him alone to live his life how he saw fit, and to find someone he could be happy with. He isn’t a bad person he has flaws like you and me. My point is that he isn’t the man for me. We had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. And I need someone who is smart in a book and street sense that can compliment my sense of being. Someone who I can proudly carry on my arm. A person I can see spending the rest of my life with. Unfortunately “v” wasn’t this person.
I want to make this clear, here and now. Incase he is reading this. Even though our relationship was open. Meaning we had agreed we could sleep with others as long as we both knew who the other was and approved. I never cheated on him nor did I look for anyone else while I was with him. I saw no reason too because sexually for a while I was satisfied. I’m sorry things didn’t work out for us. We have different plans and different goals. Unfortunately you were smothering my fire and I didn’t want it to burn out. Please find someone who will make you happy, as I could not have done. And please understand that I hold no grudges and wish you well in all your endeavors. |
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| Live and Let Learn Or maybe not |
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| 02:07pm 14/02/2007 |
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So everyone has been asking where I am or how i been. In all honesty Really really shitty.
As useual i think i make friends and they stop coming around so yah. im not mad at that really shit happends and i am used to it.
Been occuping my time playing wow.
I lost all love for outside world. and have devoted my non working and non sleeping hours to my 3 charactors.
FUck real life. SInce i cant kill myself because of stupid emotional ties to certain people. I choose to ignore everything else and be happy in another way. so there , heres my post now go back to not caring. and if u are wondering i disabled comments from this post cause honestly I dont care anymore. |
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| 06:49pm 03/01/2007 |
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| hah my twin |
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| 08:45pm 14/11/2006 |
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I think i did a good job matching my IMVU
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| Sound? We dont need no stinking sound! |
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| 05:38pm 14/11/2006 |
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Sony Comments on Backwards Compatibility
Some people don't need sound when playing games.
by Anoop Gantayat
November 13, 2006 - Yesterday, we shared with you a quickly compiled list of PS2 titles that were, according to a database accessible at the official Japanese PlayStation.com site, causing problems when being played on the PlayStation 3. We only looked for the biggest games and found a list that wasn't too long. But the full list of problematic titles is apparently quite hefty.
Japan's Cnet.com reports backwards compatibility problems for over 196 PlayStation 2 titles. This figure counts multiple versions of the same game (budget versions, limited editions, etc.) as a single entity and includes the full range of problems, from simple sound issues to more dramatic freezing issues.
In response to these issues, Sony's PR department pointed out that it, from the start, expected backwards compatibility to be less than 100%. It was also good enough to point out that some people can put up with playing games that lack sound.
Regardless of this somewhat arrogant response, an official statement issued at the PlayStation.com site states that Sony will fix the problems with a future system update, and may even resort to individual patches for certain titles. When this will happen has yet to be specified. |
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| come on do it for bunny |
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| 06:47pm 12/11/2006 |
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Sign up or DIE!!!
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| Goodbye Old Me |
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| 02:16pm 08/11/2006 |
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I have decided that with all that is happening around me, and the situations I have been through, I have come to the conclusion that no man will ever want to be with me unless I lose weight. It's a sad and unfortunate reality I sadly have to face.
I have struggled with my weight for many years it has been an up and down motion when it comes to my weight. So because I am tired of being turned away because I am too fat for any man to love I will be changing my eating habits and the way I function on a daily basis. I am tired of being depressed and I am tired of the rejection I get from people because of my weight.
I must warn you though don't let this fool you into thinking that people have the upper hand now. With my weight will come a personality change as well. I will be more direct and even more selective when it comes to my mate.
So to all those in the past who have hurt or rejected me, I spit in your face and I will be the winner as you drown in your puddle of disappointment as I now reject you for being selfish and shallow bastards that you are. And I will revel in the fact that you missed out on a great girl.
That is all
Usagi |
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| Its A DUEL |
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| 04:31am 02/11/2006 |
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If there is one thing that pisses me off to no avail is the fact, that most men who I seem to fall in love with, leave me disappointed in the end. No matter how much talk they talk or how they walk their walk. In the end I am left in tears. I have come to terms with this. I am and always will be the friend, never the girlfriend. This is what I am and no matter how I try I can’t change that.
This feeds my animosity and myself hatred even more. What makes me unworthy to receive the love or the adoration from the man I chose to give my heart too? I knew the last time I was with him would be the last time I would ever be with him. I gave way too much of myself. I do that every time. I am such a moron. I told him too, I didn’t want to fall. I didn’t want to leave myself vulnerable and what happened I did. I caught feelings I should never have had and fucked myself in the end.
Then men wonder why when they try to approach me why I treat them the way I do. Its because I’ve been hurt so many times its just not worth it anymore.
But this stupid longing need to be held fucking sucks. Why do I want to be held so badly?
Why do I have to feel like I am needed or wanted? This life isn’t for me. I want a family I cant have, a husband I cant get. So what’s the point in living? What’s the point when someone tells me not to die when in reality the only reason why they want me alive is for their own selfish reasons. On November 24th I turn 28 with still nothing to show for it.
I hate my goddamn life. I hate myself and everyone around me. And you can all just go to hell for all I care you selfish bastards with your lying and deceitful tongues. I’m through with men, I am done with women. I am done with humanity period. I don’t need friends, I don’t need family I don’t need anyone. Because in the end the one who always ends up crying is me. Because I am too fucking stupid to realize that the entire time I was the fuck up not them. I should have known better. They are human they do what they do out of instinct. Me knowing this I continue approaching the matter in the same way every time. And I am a fool for it. So usagi will no longer chase after men nor will I chase after women. If they want me they come to me. But they are going to have a tuff fucking time trying to break down my walls that I am going to be putting up. So if you are up for the challenge consider this a duel. Smacks you in the face with a glove |
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| Vanished by USagi |
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| 02:05am 20/10/2006 |
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Alone I am left traveling
Sheltered only by my own loneliness
Walking this narrow path in darkness
My small candle my only light
Winds rush from all sides of me
As I struggle to keep the flame lit
No one around for miles, I press on.
Losing hope with every step
The flame flickers
Thoughts overrun my mind
Of times I was left crawling
On my knees only to get back up.
Bruised and spirit broken
I continue to walk
Lost is how I find myself
Nowhere is where I am
Just what keeps me walking?
Down the narrow path?
Shadows I leave behind me
Memories and also pain.
I can barely see the end of this tunnel
Happiness just feet away.
Down my cheek a tear races
I hope to catch it in time
Off my chin and on my candle
The little light now does not shine.
Walking alone in darkness
No clue as to where I am at
Memories of people who walked along side me
Fade slowly away
As I travel this road in front of me
With no reasons for me to stay.
I trip on my belly
Pushing myself forward with my arms
Growing tired and weary
No faith no hope left to press on
Loneliness consumes me
The shadows they over power
I and left lying with this heartache
Emptiness I have devoured.
I sink into the ground beneath me
Merging with the sands of time
There is where my body is buried
No markers for you to find.
My story ended so painfully
And with no one to witness
I will only remain in memories
Of the people who said they once cared. |
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| New COntest Submission |
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| 08:29pm 17/10/2006 |
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As usual i enetered sandy n candy's photo contest this month heres my submission
http://www.sandyncandy.com/
check them out and enter |
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| How Long |
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| 05:04pm 07/10/2006 |
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How long has it been since I wrote here?
Anyway Im ok I have a new job
I now work at gamestop YAY VIDEO GAMES!!
I think I have fallen in love again. But this time I am smart about it.
I am keeping this one to myself. I will no longer show any males how much the really mean to me.
New town, new girl, New Attitude!
Ill be on more or at least i will try till then
check out my youtube
http://youtube.com/profile?user=usagicam
peace love and bubblegum
usagi |
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| The Leaving |
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| 04:46pm 30/08/2006 |
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It might come as a surprise to some people, and to others you already know. I am spending my very last week In jersey. This saturday i will be moving to alabama. My bills caught up with me and I am drowning in debt. So since i cant afford to stay in my apt any longer, a friend of mine has decided to help me out and I will be moving down to where he is. This request was made of me last year but i turned it down in hopes to start a life indepentantly. but unfortunatly times can be rough and money is always the issue and moving out on your own is becoming a dieing dream today.
hopfully with this new start I can change the way i manage my money and other things.
My quitting my job came as a surprise to many people. I left it it because I felt I messed up that day.
I was having problems was over whelmed with thoughts i started to panic. which lead to a panic attack.it got worse and i knew they wouldnt send me home so i walked out. I felt i needed to get out of there. by the time i got home and realized what i had done. i didnt think they would have understood me so i chose not to go back. It was then that my friend made me the offer one last time. and I took it.
so in my own words this is why i quit CVS.
I disapointed my friends my roomates and my family. But most of all myself.
So no choice now but to start over. my cell is disconnected so no one can reach me until I get to bama. Until then I wish you all well. and I hope I can live up to my own expectations of myself.
ja ne`
Usagi |
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| avirl lavine |
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| 06:53am 13/08/2006 |
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"My Happy Ending"
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus]
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
[Chorus x2]
[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... |
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| Kelly Clarkson |
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| 06:50am 13/08/2006 |
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"Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes |
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| a letter to all |
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| 11:41pm 12/08/2006 |
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I really need to get something off my chest; I have carried with me for many years. And for once just fucking once I would like someone to listen to me, not just hear me. I know you can all hear me. You watch me speak, words come out my mouth but do you actually hear me?
I have always giving up my happiness for others, whether you choose to believe it or not I have.
I have been your counselor, your friend, mother, and your father. I have been you confidant, your lover, your mistress, and your whore. I have been your bank, your fallout girl, your crutch and your escape goat. I have been there at times when you didn’t pick up that phone and call and I have been there at times when you never rang my doorbell for a goddamn visit.
I have giving everybody my soul and all anyone has ever done is thrown it in my face, pissed on me, shoved me to the ground and stomped the shit out of it.
Everyone has an agenda, everyone has their own means, everyone wears a fucking mask and they never take it off.
Well I got news for you; I wear that fucking mask too. You look at me and you see me smile, and that’s all you ever want to see from me. A smile!
But why is it when I wear my frown no one cares, everyone turns there fucking back on me and treats me like I am wrong for feeling the way I do.
You say mean things to me, you treat me like shit, and then you follow it with I’m only telling you this because I care about you, I am only telling you this because I am your friend. I am only telling you this because I fucking love you.
Well I got news for you; you’re all full of fucking shit. Yes I said it. You didn’t think I would but I did.
I’m tired of being your friend, your mother, and your whore!
It all comes at a price, that price is for you to like me, to love me, to fucking respect me.
But none of you do. Not anyone of you. And maybe just maybe unloading this on you isn’t right, unloading this isn’t the way. But since you have all been so goddamn honest with me I thought maybe I should be goddamn honest with you.
I am sick, I am mentally sick, I have been sick all my fucking life. I try really hard to fucking hide it. But sometimes my sickness comes out. And yes I am fucking normal. Normal like everyone else. I eat sleep shit and fuck like all of you. Except one thing. I have a fucking heart and a head that wont make me forget anything thrown at me over these 27 years of my life.
I have been raped, abused, abandoned and shut out. I have been broke, panhandling, living in a fucking video store. I sought refuge in my boyfriends, because I couldn’t find it in my family. I have changed myself many times to make others approve of me. I have been let down more then once and let others down constantly, living up to your standards. I swallowed my pride and let it all happen again. For what? A chance, a small chance that someone, anyone would fucking for two minuets love me. Want me. Accept me. And all that comes with it. I have both emotional and physical scars all like you. And in reality. You have all been a burden on me. You never once really stopped to consider how I felt. Never once stopped to consider what can I do for a girl who tries so freaking hard to just be wanted.
I am so tired of fighting so tired of being hurt. So fucking tired of crying myself to sleep every fucking night wishing and praying for a moment of clarity, a moment of love and a moment of relief for my own head. All for what, to be happy. We all want to be happy.
You ask me why I act the way I do, you ask me why can’t I be happy. And the truth is no one is fucking happy, no one is fucking sane and no one is fucking normal. You hate me because of what I represent to you. You hate me because with every taunt, and every beating I stand back up only to take it again. You hate me because I speak my mind freely and tell you what’s in my heart. Something you will never do or take you a lifetime to fucking figure out how to do it.
I may act like a child; I may pretend to be dumb. But its all for you. All so that you can feel so much more important then me. So much more higher above that pedestal then me.
You should be fucking grateful that I truly enjoy your fucking company enough to say how come you don’t visit me, or how come you don’t call me. Yet you look at it as me being needy. Well fuck you; I don’t need you anymore, not anymore. It’s always been me alone; it’s always been me standing there left out. Because why, I wanted to be part of your world, cause I put so much value into you that I wanted to share my life for a few hours with people I thought deserved it.
Not anymore. You are all so fucking fake it makes me want to vomit. You tell me to grow up and get a life, you tell me to fucking get my self-straight, and you tell me to get help.
Yet you throw love away like you don’t need it, or want it. You throw a good friendship away like a next one will come along like a fucking bus. But there will only be one me. I may not be perfect; I may not be everything you expect in your little storybook fantasy world. But I am here, now naked and open. Unleashing my inner feelings like never before.
All for what? So that you know that your actions effect others, your actions mold and shape the people you encounter, your actions can lead people to jump off that fucking building or pull that trigger, because you pushed them away, you made them seclude themselves I that boxed wall they put up to keep you out, keep you from hurting them anymore. But I wont let you do that to me anymore. I wont allow you to hurt me to box me to keep my locked and chained for my life.
I chose to die I chose to live. I chose to make my own choice and suffer the consequences of my own actions and words. I chose to give up on life as You know it and live my days the way I see fit until that glorious day I fucking close my eyes and die. Die to escape this hellhole we all managed to create for ourselves, with our own deadly sins.
Someone cares and loves you… |
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| Hello |
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| 04:02am 08/08/2006 |
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So yea I cant access my site anymore not that its down, but that i literly cant get in my ftp program nor my camera program can access the site using the paswords or user name i dont get it, but i can access the account manager .
so ill post the new pics here
more pics here
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v97/usagicam/Newpics/ |
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| Pussy Cat Dolls - Buttons |
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| 11:33pm 25/07/2006 |
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I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
Typical, hardley the type although
I like him physical
Don't leave me asking for more
I'm a sexy mamma (Mama)
Usually get wat i wanna (Wanna)
that backup the things that i told ya(Told ya)
wat i want to do is bring all this on ya(On ya)
You been sayin' all the right things along
But I can't seem to get you over here to help take this off
Baby, can't you see?
These clothes aren't fittin' on me
The heat comin' from this beat
I'm about to blow
I don't think you know
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
You say you're a big boy
But I can't agree
'Cause the love you said you had
Ain't been put on me
I wonder
If I'm just too much for you
Wonder
If my kiss don't make you just
Wonder
What I got next for you
What you wanna do? (Do)
Take a chance to recognize that this could be yours
I can see, just like most guys that your game don't please
Baby, can't you see?
These clothes are fittin' on me
The heat comin' from this beat
I'm about to blow
I don't think you know
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
(snoop dog)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh)
I'm tellin' you loosen up my buttons babe (Uh huh)
But you keep frontin' (Uh)
Sayin' what you gon' do to me (Uh huh)
But I ain't seen nothin' (Uh) |
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usagicam's journal
accomplished
