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Tuesday, November 13th, 2007
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9:29 am
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Yesterday I went to visit Caite at her mom's new farm by Marshalltown. We found an enormous '54 Ford farm truck behind the old barn and took awesome pictures of ourselves posed with it, in case we ever need to impress some farmers or old truck enthusiasts with our charms. We also ate a Thanksgiving dinner of grand proportions.
I did some really intense yoga the other day and now my arms hurt a lot. It turns out driving around the country is not a very good exercise regimen and now I feel so out of shape.
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| Sunday, November 11th, 2007
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8:51 am - around this time last year, in livejournal history
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8:41 am
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I got back to Ames Friday night. I am so broke. I have $4 in the bank, quite literally. But my credit card is still viable for now and, amazingly, after years of worrying too much about money, it feels good to just say fuck it. I will get a job when I go to my dad's in Wellfleet and work it all out.
Now I know that I can stand to live my life away from Darrin, but I don't know if I want to. I don't know what to do really. The short term plan is to make and save some money. In the longer term, I am not sure. Can I go to New Mexico in July? I thought maybe I could ask them to defer me starting the program. I bet they would. I could apprentice in Bloomington instead for awhile...if the midwife there would take me. Or I could see what all I can get up to here.
I feels really weird to be back in a place so familiar, but with all the circumstances different. I still don't miss my job though.
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| Monday, October 15th, 2007
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10:19 pm
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I'm in Santa Fe. The weather is awesome. I like this place very much. But I am going to Arizona tomorrow, where I will try to not spend much money, see the Grand Canyon, maybe see my long-lost aunt (on my mom's side) and maybe later return to Santa Fe to travel not-home to Iowa with Mikela when she is done with her hypnotherapy program.
If I go to the Grand Conyon, I feel like I should go to Vegas, but I wonder if that is a weird experience to have all alone. Maybe I could drive-through marry myself?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
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10:50 am - city life
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I am ambivalent about Chicago. It is hot and loud and it makes me feel frumpy, like all my clothes are too tight and not nice enough. I have been walking a million miles a day though and purchasing as little food as possible. My inappropriate goal for my whole adventure is to lose some weight, now that I am not surrounded by food all day and living in a place where I can bike everywhere I want to go in a matter of five or ten non-uphill minutes, thus getting no real exercise unless I take a fitness class or go running.
I did hang out with Michael, who was a roommate in Ames for a short time last winter. He seemed to be doing well and we enjoyed some spicy vegan food!
Meghan and Bill have been so nice to me and their loft apartment, though in a chaotic state of reinvention, is great.
I miss Darrin, but I also have a sense that I am becoming more and more sane not being in the same old job and house rut of Ames.
Next week: Austin, Texas.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, September 22nd, 2007
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10:16 am
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I cleared out my room last night. Today I will go back and tie up loose ends, like vitamins and food and leaving notes for the roommates. I will leave in the morning.
Last night I dreamed that I went to Japan and that I was at this university/office building that had elevators that doubled as bathing machines. You climbed in through a trapdoor in the top and depending on what button you pushed you either sat there inside and got pelted with lots of water and bubbles or you went down a (dry) tube to another part of the building.
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| Monday, September 17th, 2007
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11:24 pm
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It is really novel using Livejournal after such a long vacation from it. Too bad I won't have very much computer access for awhile...or maybe I will.
Well, all I have to say is that suddenly not working is exhausting. I have been lazy and not making good headway on any of the things I mean to do before I leave town. I think I need this recovery time though.
I finished watching the 3rd Season of the L-Word today. I only got in from the library on Saturday night, but I spent much of Sunday watching. So dramatic. I kind of hated it. Why is it supposed to be fresher and better for TV and movies when a lot of crappy things happen in the plot rather than a lot of good things? I enjoy that in the L-Word, just like in Sex and The City, I can't really identify with any of the characters. The L-Word has more characters I think are hot, but not by much. Also, there are a lot of characters on there that remind me of really hung-up, unpleasant to be around people I met in college. And, oh my, there were some of the WORST sex scenes EVER on there, in that they involved kind of emaciated women bumping their very prominent respective ribs together. NOT sexy. Really skinny people having sex with other really skinny people=something I really don't want to see. Ouch.
After that I went to kickboxing at city hall and that was fun. Then I bought some sausage and went home to eat a lot of food.
Tonight I am hiding out in Darrin's room alone while he is at the library. It is my mission to be sure that I have really proved it to him that though I have to leave Ames for now, I am not wanting to leave him. This is tricky, because I keep flipping back and forth between being so excited to leave that I don't care and being really sad and almost not wanting to go. Almost, but not quite. I'm not worried.
Everyone keeps questioning me as to where I'm moving and I have to keep saying I'm not sure yet. Then they get freaked out by my lack of a plan. The thing is, planning where to move is a big deal and there are so many factors. I don't even really want to move. It's only that I want to go to this program in NM, which would necessitate moving there. But I don't think of it as a move, rather as a "going to school." It sounds less permanent that way.
me:
current mood:  tired
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| Sunday, September 16th, 2007
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7:49 pm - the link I somehow accidentally erased from the last entry
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| Saturday, September 15th, 2007
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11:05 am - Fuck work! Fuck furniture!
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Wow! I haven't been on here in months. I think I even forgot how to use Livejournal.
A lot has happened:
1. Today is my last day at the job I've had for almost four years. It turns out being a produce manager at a co-op is NOT my dream job. My soul wants something else.
2. I'm moving out of my house in a week.
3. I'm getting in my car and going. Low budget road trip style.
4. My rabbit has a new family.
5. My boyfriend is staying here and doing important school things. I want to be with him, but I also want to go find what I want to do, rather than be here stagnating and stressing and not loving my life. In fact, not only have I not been loving my life, I have become a freaking zombie who loses touch with everyone and hardly ever leaves Ames and is always tired and cranky.
6. I got in here for next July. I want to visit and see if it's for me.
7. I do want a career that is meaningful to me. But right now I am so burned out all I want to do is drive off the edge of existance, screaming. And maybe eating something really full of trans fats and corn syrup while I'm doing it, to celebrate not working at a health food store anymore.
I read awhile ago that someone has a theory that you can only have, at most, two of the following things at the same time: a great house/apartment, a great significant other and a great job.
This seems to ring true for me. And I think I am now ready to downsize and only have one of these things for awhile. Jobs and houses are overrated. Fuck work! Fuck furniture!
current mood:  crazy
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| Thursday, March 1st, 2007
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4:57 pm
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Today at work there was almost no produce on the racks at all. We are so depleted. And we were expecting a big truck today and one tomorrow, but there were dire weather predictions, so I called both distributors to ask if they were coming. They both acted like I was a crazed alarmist and were like, "Yes! We're commited to excellence! Of course we're coming!" and "Nothing could stop us, rah rah rah! You're nuts." Yeah. An hour later I got two calls -- "The highway is closed, our truck had to turn back..." and "We're not coming tomorrow, UNFI is pulling all there trucks due to the weather." Yeah. Meanwhile, here in Ames, we are mysteriously in the one area in central Iowa that is not getting blizzarded on. It's just sort of misting/snowing and the roads are wet and actually less bad than they were the past few days. How silly.
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| Sunday, February 25th, 2007
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8:20 pm
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This weekend I have been enjoying the sampler of winter precipitation - hail, freezing rain and snow. Yesterday was D's birthday and I started making a cake, only to realize it really necessitated having an electric mixer, which I have been putting off purchasing since my $1 yardsale one self-destructed in a smelly, burning way last year. So I drove to Target and got one, braving lots of icy surfaces. Later I went to Darrin's with said cake (I also got this sweet cake carrier tupperware thing at Target - it's like a cat carrier or a suitcase for cake. It has latches and a handle. It is so cool. It has changed my life. I will now bring cakes with me wherever I go, just because I can) and arrived just after the power went out. So we all enjoyed some relaxation and candles. It came back on, we had dinner, hung out and then D. and I went on a nighttime sledding adventure to the hill on 6th st. by the soccer field. It was fun.
Today I worked on a snow fort, watched a documentary on evangelical christians (which I did not find as scary as everyone else seems to - openmindedness goes both ways, right? Condemning the religious right isn't any less intolerant than being condemned by them.) and freaked out on one of my roommates for talking about other roommates rather than confronting them for doing something offensive. I don't appreciate having other people's negativity in my face all the time, in my house.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 28th, 2007
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9:17 am
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| Thursday, January 18th, 2007
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1:30 pm
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I had a grouchy, depressing birthday.
But I have also paid off my credit card, gotten some issues off my chest at work (directing them to the appropriate supervisors, not the gossip mill) and put my new snow tires on my bike. I have almost fixed my broken dryer (which involved removing the front, back, top and electrical console!), though I'm still waiting for a new switch. Everyone keeps trying to give me advice on it and I've decided most of them are full of shit. People love to pretend they know what they are talking about and you are clueless and mechanically inept (which I mostly am, despite occasionally rising to the occasion).
current mood:  accomplished
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, January 8th, 2007
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8:02 am
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happy belated new year.
I'm just trying to get back into the swing of things, so to speak. I was home (in Iowa) for a few days over New Years and then D and I went to see his parents in MN. It was good, except the night we were supposed to leave and coem back here (I had to work in the morning), we were on a dark country highway in his parent's car (his mom was driving) and some deer ran across the road right in front of us. We couldn't stop and we couldn't swerve off the road, because there were big ditches on either side. So we hit one, really hard. It was scary and awful, though at least the deer died instantly and did not suffer. I managed to call 911, but had almost no reception because we were in the middle of nowhere between towns. By the time the police came and the towtruck came and everything it was late and I was scared to drive 3 and a half hours in the dark in my little car, so we stayed an extra night and I missed half a day of work the next day. Work is for suckers anyway.
Yesterday D and I went to DM to get running shoes. That was my offocial early birthday present to myself.
Now I am going to go clean my dirty house and try not to be bitter that it got so filthy while I was away the past 2 weeks.
current mood:  loved
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
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9:52 am - Holiday sloth
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I am enjoying the relaxation and change of pace, being with my family and not having a lot to do. I finished The Red Tent for the second time yesterday and was possibly more moved than the first time I read it. My love of Old Testament historical fiction is even puzzling to me.
My trip here was wonderfully smooth and without airport-related stress. Nothing got confiscated and nothing was delayed. They don't give snacks anymore on the planes though, nor pillows. American Airlines apparently went on a cost-cutting spree. Anyway, I have to say that going through St. Louis instead of O'Hare was a good choice.
Upon arriving in Boston, I had some issues with the car rental place. I used Alamo, but only because I got the rental very cheap on priceline. Anyway, it was a pain in the ass trying to get the shuttle to stop for me. About 4 of them sped by, completely ignoring me. Then, when I got there, they tried to convince me I was an idiot for reserving an economy car and that I should give them more money for a bigger car. However, in a weird turn of events, I didn't even end up with an economy size car - they gave me a very silly looking blue PT Cruiser. Yikes.
I wish I was with Darrin. I keep thinking of fun things here I would like to do with him - hiking, mostly. But today it is rainy and blah and while I am going to spend some time hanging out with Ray, it might not be ideal hiking weather.
This Christmas it seems like everyone got those things that are hats as well as face masks. I can't wait to rob a bank in mine. Well, it's not mine, per se, but my dad got two, so he is sharing.
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| Thursday, December 21st, 2006
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10:49 pm
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On the twelfth day of Christmas,  unclevampire sent to me... Twelve snowshoes drumming Eleven tomboys writing Ten cats a-camping Nine animals backpacking Eight waterfalls a-sledding Seven bats a-trailriding Six mountains a-hiking Five co-o-o-owboy hats Four thunder storms Three girly boys Two morgan horses ...and a tea in a buddy holly.
i've been running around trying to get ready to be gone for a week. I fly to MA on Saturday and back into Iowa the next Saturday. I am not looking forward to flying - I am so sick of flying. And waiting in airports. Blah. However, I am excited to see everyone.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, December 4th, 2006
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9:11 pm - I always say I love you when I mean turn out the light
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Somehow, slowly but surely, I'm letting go. In a good way. Work is easier, because, although I care, I don't care THAT much. Today there was almost no produce left from the weekend and no trucks till tomorrow! And the registers went down for 15 minutes, causing us to total people's groceries on scratch paper! And I couldn't get into the right computer program to change prices and ended up leaving late than I wanted to. But I didn't care that much.
Maybe having my roommate hypnotize me actually worked. And/or maybe I'm just tired of worrying about things.
For a few days I've been feeling further away than usual from Darrin, but these things are always shifting. My other roommate said something about finding the center of things when you're swinging past it and I believe it - that nothing is ever in static balance. Static balance doesn't exist. Rather, balance is a back-and-forth motion that evens out in the end.
current mood: satisfied
current music: the magnetic fields 69 love songs
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 30th, 2006
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8:37 am
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It's freaking cold, I'm lonely and I feel like I haven't had any fun in ages, except for the kind of fun you have working out really hard or cuddling under fluffy covers for a little bit at night.
Yesterday my roomate walked into the living room while I was reading a book with the dog lying on me, but out of the corner of his eye he thought he saw the dog reading a book, alone on the couch. He made a small noise of terror, because his first assumption was that the dog was possessed by the devil. Ha! Because Satan possess animals so they can read books about Wal-Mart and the economy.
Off to work.
current mood:  cold
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 20th, 2006
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8:52 pm
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Sometimes my job makes me want to throw moldy sweet potatoes at people and scream at the top of my lungs. My co-workers mostly seem mystified about why I get so stressed out. It was so freaking crowded in there today and I felt very claustrophobic and rushed and people kept asking me long, involved questions while I was already doing about ten things at once. Inwardly, I was a big bitch and very unhelpful to everyone. Outwardly, I think I did OK.
I jumped in my riding lesson and remembered how freaked out I used to get about it and felt good for making that kind of mental progress, even if physically I'm nowhere near where I once was.
Yesterday Mikela and I worked on a bunch of Christmas gifts and concocted this crazy tea that makes you want to break dance and/or have sex soon after drinking it!
On Wednesday night D. and I are driving to his folks' house for Thanksgiving. I'm excited to get away and to see his family again and to have time off.
current mood: tired
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8:45 pm
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You are The Lovers
Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.
The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.
Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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7:08 am
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I have been an anti-social, bad at keeping in touch with people person lately. I spend all my time making soup and cookies that don't contain refined sugar.
I got a raise and a promotion at work. The promotion part is tricky - I'm cautiously moving into more responsibility because I'm not sure how much I can get away with. The raise is tricky too, because the only sensible thing to do with the extra income is pay off my credit card, but I want to be permitted a few frivolities, such as eating out once or twice.
I'm going to San Diego on Wednesday. Especially awesome,because it's like 25 degrees out right now in Ames. How warm is San Diego? I looked at a weather report and it was in the 60's last week. Normal?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
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7:16 am
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| Thursday, September 28th, 2006
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7:26 am
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7:19 am
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I got 2nd and 3rd in the horseshow on Saturday. My jumping class went awesomely. I am happy I chose the lowest height though. It just helps the confidence.
I think Darrin found it pretty boring, but it was exciting to have someone come to see me ride anyway, even if they read a textbook most of the time. Actually, there was a lot of boring waiting, because dressage tests are so monotonous.
Chris's puppy seems to be making progress towards being housebroken, too. It is fun having a dog. Especailly one that is not my primarily MY responsibility. I think it has helped my mood and made me feel less like all I want to do is hibernate. Yay! Also, life has gotten even easier since she discovered that going into her kennel makes peanut-buttery treats happen. Ahhhh.
I'm going to San Diego for work in October. I'm pretty excited. I'm going with Stacey, my manager, but soon after coming back I will be the produce manager and she will move into Operations Manager. Yikes! I hope I get a raise, cause I am broke.
current mood: good
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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8:29 am
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My Personality
| | Neuroticism | | Extraversion | | Openness To Experience | | Agreeableness | | Conscientiousness | |
These always manage to say nothing much at all in a very compelling way.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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11:59 am
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I think I'm getting out of my funk somewhat. After work on Saturday I spent many, many hours in my bed, went running, then returned to my bed to continue being sad for no explicable reason. D. came over really late and when we woke up it was raining, so I then spent many hours in bed with him. It is extra nice when it rains, because the roof right outside my window is metal and makes the best noise. Then we had breakfast out and he went to work and I spent the next day and a half reading, rearranging furniture, cleaning and sleeping.
I've read a bunch of books about using mindfullness to get a better perspective on your emotions, so you can accept them and feel them fully without being overwhelmed and panicked by them. It occured to me in the middle of my hibernation this weekend that sometimes sadness is not a bad feeling, it's just a feeling.
current mood: content
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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7:11 am
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We are having the kind of weather that makes you want to stay in bed all day.
I had a great talk with D. last night. Then I talked on the phone with Noah and then I had some popcorn. Today=work my ass off, go to yoga.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, August 26th, 2006
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3:22 pm
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I ran the entire 5K (for the American Cancer Society) today! Whew! I can't believe that in middle and high school when we had to run the mile I hated running and could only do about a quarter mile without walking. I am not planning on running any marathons anytime soon, but I feel pretty good about the progress I've made.
current mood: accomplished
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
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4:41 pm
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I just got back from Massacusetts this afternoon. I am beat. We left at about 4 AM, braved the detour-ridden trip to the airport (and reaized that rush hour starts before 6 AM in Boston - yikes) and survived security (though they confiscated a yogurt smoothie - oops).
The trip was great and I wish I had more time to go into detail (I'm at the library). Highlights include: going on a whalewatch and seeing tons of humpback whales, going to the beach with my dad, hiking a really cool trail in Acadia with ladders set in the rock so you can climb verticle faces w/o equipment...and, of course, Valerie's wedding was great and it was awesome to see everyone.
It's really disorienting to be back. Not only am I really tired and hungry, but I'd only been living in the new house for a few days before leaving and it isn't quite home in my mind yet. I'm going to go buy some delicious food to cook there and see if I can improve the homey feelings.
current mood:  exhausted
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 31st, 2006
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11:50 am
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Cleaning our old house is an experience akin to descending into the deepest pit of hell. We have to be out for good tonight and I think we are close, but since I'm stuck at work until two, I'm not sure. It's about a million degrees in there and most of the dirt is surely at least one hundred years old and, thus, too well established to really be cleaned up. Also, you know how some people's houses are infested with insects or mice, because the house isn't sound? Our old house is infested with...chipmunks!!! Does this mean there are even bigger holes in the walls and foundation? Or just that our old neighborhood has a lot of bold chipmunks? At least I haven't foudn any evil possums INSIDE the house (knock on wood).
Darrin got back into school and that almost made me cry. Other than that, I feel gross and allergic (to the rancid basment mold/dust I inhaled yesterday while cleaning) and tired. I am ready for my vacation. Only four days to go...
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unclevampire's journal
