Two of Two

I'm home.
So I'm home. Back in San Francisco after just a week in Thailand. I said I was going to be gone for two months.. I also said I'd be traveling for a year. I've changed my mind. Since I've talked so much about this trip, I think it's important to let my friends know why things have changed.

If you want the short version: everything is fine, solo travel just isn't the right thing for me to be doing at this time in my life.

If you want the longer version, read on..

I wasn't happy in Thailand. Part of it was Thailand, most of it was me. I was depressed, I didn't like being alone, and I wasn't interested in doing the things that people do in Thailand. I had a feeling this was going to happen even before I left but I tried to ignore that. I wrongly chose to travel for reasons other than enjoying myself.

I began thinking of ways to cope with the trip, one that I'd simply come to understand I wasn't going to enjoy.. "I can just stick it out for 2 months then come back and pick up my life from where I left off." Though the more that I thought about it, the more ridiculous it seemed.. to spend time being unhappy just so that I could fulfill what it is that I said I was going to do. An absurd thought kept crossing my mind.. "If I could do absolutely anything I wanted for the next 2 months, I would spend it in San Francisco with my friends.. so why am I here?" Once I became convinced that coming home was what I wanted, actually making the decision to do so was far harder. I was worried most about what my friends would think.. I've been talking about this trip for months. "Here I am, a week in and I'm going to just give up." I was worried of being thought of as a quitter. What people think of me has always been something I've been too concerned about, so it's natural something like this would haunt me.

It was important for me to remember the fact that my being happy is infinitely more important than anything else.. if I knew that coming back to SF would make me happy, and staying in Thailand would not, there's absolutely no reason for why I'd want to stay. It just doesn't make any sense. Also, quitting isn't necessarily a bad thing.. quitting my job many months ago was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

The decision to travel was not a wrong one and I credit the decision with changing my life in many dramatic ways. I came up with the idea of travel as a compromise for leaving my last job.. as a way to end things there on a positive note: "I'm not quitting, I'm moving on to something different." The decision gave me the motivation to leave a very unhealthy job, end my lease, give away most of my unnecessary stuff, sell both my cars (the first time being carless in 8 years!).. I reclaimed my social life, met many new friends, and became happier than I've ever been. These things wouldn't have happened if I hadn't made the decision to travel. I wouldn't have had the motivation nor the resolve.

I do recognize that the act of traveling was the wrong choice for me. I somehow ignored the feelings I had from the Japan trip. I loved my solo trip to Japan last year.. as my first international trip and first trip alone, it was an incredible, amazing, and extremely intense experience. Yet I told myself I wasn't going to travel alone again, it was too much. Travel appealed to me for the wrong reasons.. I liked the idea of doing and seeing amazing things.. but only because I liked what other people thought of those things. "I'm going to travel the world".. everyone responds positively to that. People respond with, "I did that when I was younger and it's the best thing I ever did" or "I wish I'd done that when I was younger" or "I'm so jealous, I wish I could do that, but..." Everyone finds travel impressive and I've always had trouble escaping that part of me that wants to be impressive.

When I was actually traveling in Thailand I was reminded that it's not worth gathering impressive experiences if the experience isn't actually enjoyable.. why suffer through something unhappily for the sake of being able to show it off later? Seems absurd when thinking clearly but I somehow got caught up in the wrong idea in the months leading up to my departure. I made myself believe that I was going to enjoy something that I knew I probably wouldn't. I learned this in just a week of travel.. I spent a lot of time thinking about it, made my decision, and came home.

So..

- Yes, I'm a quitter. I gave up my year-long travel commitment in just under a week. I'm perfectly fine with that, I'm already looking forward to new things.

- No, I'm not giving up travel. I'd love to try traveling with friends again instead of solo. Maybe solo travel will appeal to me another day but right now it's not what I want to be doing with my life.

- I'm sure I've made the right decision. I'm happy, I'm excited, and I'm glad to be home.

- What's next? Finding an apartment, hanging out with friends doing the things that I love, and starting to think about what I want to do next. I'm fortunate to have the freedom to be able to do these things and the courage to actually act on what I feel.

And that's that, I move on. My cell number still works, give me a call if you'd like to talk or hang out.

Thanks for understanding, I'm sure you do.

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