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bitch at me? GO AHEAD

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dirty

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tired...

for some reason, i don't like to recall things from last year anymore, i think it's better to just let it be and move on. what's the point in caring, when they have already forgotten about how things used to be. when they have already forgotten about me.

how could you do this to me...what part of you has the ability to walk past me as if we were strangers? even i can't do that...i hold my breath, and an instant after you walk by me, my heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces, but i hold back my tears, because i know that you won't even know...and even if i cried, would you care?

im not all about assumptions, im not all about jealousy. have you considered my feels even once....have you tried looking at things from my perspective, instead of looking for faults in my opinions? in the past i was so jealous...and the sole reason i was depressed was because of you. it was because of the things you did. it's because you failed to consider my feelings. i can't believe how much i risked for you in the past, i can't believe how much i did for you in the past. all those conversations with my friends, it was to ask them for advice...because i really did not know what to do. you might see that as backstabbing, and i guess that's why i changed. that was last year. no matter where i was i was always thinking about you. it sounds weird...but yea...that's how much it was bothering me. i knew that none of my friends could ever compare to you.

for a very long period of time...we didn't talk...and during that time, i always wanted a chance to make it up to you. i knew very well what my flaws were. how i always seemed very distant because i never told you what was wrong....how i turn to all my friends about our problems but never confront you personally about them. how...i always got jealous and did things like block + delete you, ignore you....and i always left you hanging because i never told you the reason for any of things. i know all of that, so that's why i wanted to change, change just for you. i didn't want to make it look like i was the type who had nothing better to do but to think of you all the time. i didn't want to make it look like i was the type to be so obsessed. i thought that's what you wanted....but then i never knew even if i'm a better person that i was before, you wouldn't notice it. you probably even hate me even more now. to think, that i did so many inexcusable things in the past, but yet you forgave me, but now, im not doing anything but yet, i feel that you must still hate me.

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pissed off

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i. hate. you.

i hate you. i fucking hate you so much. i can't believe you would fucking do that to me you bitch. after all i fucking did for you in the past...after all i've sacrificed for you...

after all this time...since gr10...you don't fucking care about me at all don't you? that bestfriend thing was all a FUCKING LIE?!?! i gave up everything i had for you...just because i wanted to be bestfriends with you again. this whole fucking year...you made my life a living hell. always going on with your own life, leaving me behind...doing all this shit to make me jealous...do you NOT see how much it hurts that you treat me like this? well i guess you'll never fucking know...

i once thought that we'd be bestfriends forever. i thought that no matter how much shit we've been through, we'd always make it and be bestfriends again. i thought that we could stand the test of time. my feelings for you never fucking changed....even after all that shit you did to me. you left me...left me to fucking die...while you selfishly go on with your life and forget about me. go on. forget about me then. like i fucking care.

you ignored me all this fucking time...then one day you suddenly just talk to me again, trying to make things better. i actually thought about it, i thought and i thought, and then i came to the conclusion that there is no fucking way in hell i'm ever forgiving you for all that shit you did. why? because you'll never learn. you'll never understand just how great of a friend i am. and for that, i think it's a shame. we'll never go back to the way we used to be. all this time, i was willing to forget about all the shit you ever did to me...every little thing you ever did to ruin my life. because i wanted things to go back to the way they used to be...when we used to be bestfriends.

after all those tears i cried for you...after all that time i spent waiting for you...waiting for you to realize just how much you actually mean to me...all that...was for nothing. i'd like to think that you felt the same about me, but in truth, you don't. you used me. my own bestfriend. using me. the fucking hell is your problem? you used me all this time....when no one was there for you...i was just rebound...and when you found someone else, they'd be your new target. i'm just surprised that you can so quickly call someone else your bestfriend...

you know...after all that we've been through together, after all those arguments, all that time spent apart, i thought that you'd want the same thing as me...i thought you'd wanted to mend this broken friendship. but i was fucking wrong. do you think i'm stupid not to see that you hold back when you talk to me? same as when you were with that piece of shit...i got so fucking pissed because even though i was pouring my feelings out to you...doing whatever i can to make you happy, you never acknowledged my feelings at all. and now...a new problem huh? a new distraction? that FUCKING BITCH YOU CALL YOUR BESTFRIEND? this is not simple jealousy. no. this is not jealousy at all. this is bitter hate for the person i used to call my bestfriend.

did you know, that ever since we were "friends" again, the only thing i was worrying about was balancing out my priorities. because like you, and UNLIKE you, i did alot of shit while we were apart too. i didn't know who to fucking choose...YOU...or HER. you know that we're friends...but you also know that i try to make it equal between you two...even though it wasn't. i've been stressing over this for too fucking long already. you bitch. i can't believe you would do this to me. you settle things with me right...but you have no intention of treating me as a bestfriend anymore?

after all that shit you did to me in the past, the least you can do is make it up to me by treating me like you always did in the past. you were the one that did all that shit to me. there is nothing wrong with me being jealous...it's part of my personality...and you should know just how much i care about you. i never felt that way about anyone else...never. you made me wait all this time...but i stopped waiting long ago. i gave up already. i gave up hope of our friendship because i knew that things would never go back to the way they used to be. you can't exactly blame me. you left so many fucking scars in my heart that the good memories that we had are long gone. that day when you talked to me, i was so happy, because i thought that you wanted us to be bestfriends again...just like we used to be. when you said you wanted to start over, i thought you meant that you wanted us to forget about all the bad memories and just be bestfriends again. but i misunderstood. you wanted us to start from the very beginning....and just be "friends". that's an insult...that really is. i don't think that's really what you want...i think it's because you have your jap bitch now so you don't give a shit no more about me.

is that how you are? is that how you fix the imperfections in a friendship? you just find a NEW bestfriend? you know...i could care less about how you live your life...i seriously don't give a shit. but...did you know that i'm fine without you? i've been without you for over a fucking year now. you just HAD to apologize to me...try to make things better between us...but in actuality...all you ever wanted to do was try to show off how you got your new bitch...and how you can live fine without me. i FUCKING KNOW YOU CAN LIVE FINE WITHOUT ME...i'm FINE WITHOUT YOU. you're selfish, you really are. you apologized to me not because you cared about the fact i was depressed all this time, you wanted to get rid of the guilt that was weighing down your heart. were you ever sad about me? did you ever cry for me? no, i doubt you did. you had "better" things in your life, didn't you?

am i really that horrible of a bestfriend that you just had to go and replace me like that? fuck you...you still have no idea what i've done for you this past year. you seriously don't have a fucking clue? i ditched my friends because of you...i didn't fucking go online for a month because of you...i got a new account because of you...i act this way because of you...every real tear i ever fucking cried was because of you. everything was because of you. and you're stupid to never realize. it's your fucking loss you know. i really wanted things between us to be ok again. but i guess it's in your nature to choose random people over me. god. everything i ever did for you was a fucking waste because you never appreciated my efforts at all. perhaps i'm not the most perfect friend in the world...but out of everyone i knew...you were my only bestfriend. i forgave you all that i could...all that shit you did to me. i did everything for you...that whole period of time i dedicated my life to just making you happy. i don't know...but no one else in the world could ever care about you as much as i did. sure, i did hurt you a couple of times...but you should really understand why i did those things. there's a reason for everything. but the things you did to me...there's no explanation for those. you were just being a bitch. but i always forgave you...but not this time...

you can't fucking have more than 1 bestfriend...you always said that yourself...

you know what...

you don't know what a bestfriend is. you think you can replace me just like that huh? you think that just because of a few hardships, you just fucking give up on me and move on to someone else? i never did that to you...and you hurt me way more than i hurt you. alot of things i tell you take alot of courage. i told you once that i will never give up on you. and i never did. but little did i realize, you had already forgotten about me. the time we were apart, that's fucking caused by you and you only. you just HAD to find someone else didn't you?

yes i know what you're going to fucking say. you dont want to lose a bestfriend like her. well then why should i care about losing a FRIEND like you. because honestly, who the fuck are you to me now? you can't even go one day without talking to me as if i was just another friend. am i really just another friend to you? all that shit i did for you in the past...how i proved myself as a bestfriend...all that time i was depressed about you...do you NOT know any of that? well i'm sure you do. i don't want you to cause me any more fucking pain from now on because honestly, i'd rather live a life without you. fucking bitch. waste my fucking time.

to be completely serious though...i haven't cried since last year...not even in 2nd sem did i cry. i haven't cried since the beginning of gr10...because there was really nothing that could hurt me as much as this. i always forgave you...because i was able to see things from your point of view...and i understood how you felt. so i always forgave you no matter how bitchy you were to me. but this has gone too far. the only reason i was ever nice to you all this time was because i thought it really cool that we were bestfriends. i thought i meant something to you...

but you know what....i'm gonna do something i've been meaning to do ever since the end of january last year. stop being friends with you, once and for all.

174 days
fourteenth day

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bitch at me? GO AHEAD

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lonely

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the post to end all posts

i've been thinking these past days and i think that there was something seriously wrong with me during the semester. how could i not see this? or i just did and overlooked it. i was depressed because of her for the whole semester. but why? it's so stupid. i never exactly looked at the problem before because i was afraid of facing it. i always talked about our friendship as only being about whatever happened after october 20. i never looked at the most obvious things and for that reason, i always thought that i was the one at fault. the thing is, i don't believe that she ever treated me as a bestfriend although she said she did. i don't believe that during the semester, she ever thought of me even once. my efforts were wasted, i know that. everything i did during the semester...i just wanted her to notice. if she was so clueless about how i felt, why didn't she ever come to my blog? why didn't she ever read the testimonials on my friendster? she was supposedly my bestfriend...so she should've knew. but she didn't. everyone else knew why i was depressed. people knew about my depression even before they knew who i was. so then why, didn't she know even though she was my supposed bestfriend? it baffles me. it's because she could care less about me although she used to say otherwise. words really mean nothing in this kind of situation, it's the actions that mean alot. for her, i cannot forgive her for how much she hurt me before...seriously, i can never get over it. i know i've hurt her before...like on oct20....and several other incidents...but those were times when i seriously just wanted her to NOTICE...that there was something wrong in her actions. i did those things because i wanted her to see that i was mad at her. i didn't remember this before, but there was actually a reason why i always got mad at her and never told her why. it was because i wanted her...to just once, consider my feelings. telling someone their faults is not any way to solve a problem...because they won't learn anything. if they realize it on their own then that is a real gift. though i did hurt her feelings before, nothing could ever measure up to the horrible things that she did to me. i don't like to think about last semester because just everything about her bothered me. her stupid nn's...her fdster (especially)...her icq details...etc. especially in february...everytime i saw one of those things it really hurt. gosh...i know she is the type to broadcast her life to the world but did she ever know at all that the things she does could hurt me? err..i don't think so...she is not that smart. that is why i enabled custom names on msn...because i hated more than anything else in the world to see her nn talking about how she loves that piece of shit so much. it IS jealousy. but why did it hurt me so much? cuz all of the fucking times she's deceived me with her lies. i always say that before the science center trip, everything was ok between us. well that is just a lie. if it weren't those days then i wouldn't have been so hurt in february. the truth is, that was not the first time i was depressed.


in grade 9 second semester i was also depressed. the reason? because suddenly, for no reason at all, she ignores me for half a year. we never even got into a fight. nothing. and then in september she expects me to pity her because she has no other friends? but i was nice back then, i actually did...and though i was hesitant about trusting her again, i soon gave in because i thought that it deserved just one last chance. turns out...things actually did go well..TOO well. we hung out at school, talked after school until night...and always talked on the phone. but then, i just figured that because she said that i was the most important person in her life, that it was really true. but it always bothered me that i was always second. second to nichole. but then when they got into that fight...i was actually happy...but really no. it just PROVES the fact that i was second to her. i always wonder...what if they never got into that fight? what if they stayed friends during gr10? then it's obvious how things would've turned out...she would've never hung out with me at all. err....but i WAS happy because now that nichole wasn't her bestfriend anymore...for once WE can be bestfriends.


the reason why i was just so devastated in february was because i realized that everything she ever said to me before was a lie. without me she would die?...i was the most important person in her life? bullshit. but then usually when people say serious things like that it is the truth...but in this case, it was all lies. i guess it was my fault for being so gullible in the first place...but then she shouldn't have said those things if she never meant them. but then i have never seen her act like that before. never. there are 3 possible explanations. 1. i am boring 2. it's revenge for whatever i did to her in the past 3. she is guy obsessed. i think that it's a combination of the second one and the third one. i wasn't that nice to her after the science center because she just continued to piss me off. maybe she just wanted someone who she didn't get into fights with so often. and the 3rd one...i know she is like that. i think i told a.chow this before in february. i can't believe that someone she's known for less than a month is somehow more important to her than her bestfriend. so all that shit i did was useless? so after all, she values that piece of shit just because it's a guy? i also realized this during the semester. for most of her life she's going to end up married to some guy anyways...so during her high school years...why can't a bestfriend be the most important person to her? if i really hated her alot, i would call her a hoe...because she fits the definition of one.


most people...if asked the question "what is more important to you, friendships or relationships?" most of them would say friendships...but in her case, it's not. it never was. realizing that, it bothered me....because someone who i considered as my bestfriend can't even put friendships over relationships. it's also very ironic of her to have put a nn such as "love might not last forever but our friendship will" before if she doesn't even believe that to be true.


i don't get why some people really don't understand why i hate that piece of shit so much. i mean...i should hate her more right? well i hate him simply because he exists...and i hate him because he replaced me. oh, how i want to kill that bastard. i remember...a few weeks ago, when a few people told me what had happened between them, it made me so happy. because well, i always wished for that to happen. actually, i don't really care what happens to her anymore anyways, but then if this had happened in 2nd semester...man, i would've been so happy. it's because...she gave up so much for that bastard...even me. oh! i just remembered something i said last semester. "she acted as if he was the only person in her world and she didn't need anyone else. she acted as if just because she has that piece of shit by her side, she can step on anyone else along the way". i got asked if i would ever consider being her friend. why should i...i don't pity her. i think it's quite funny how something like this could happen to her. retribution for all the things she has ever done. like hell she would ever think of me. i tried before...in may, i tried to put all of those things behind me because our friendship was more important. turns out, she really doesn't care. because she has that bastard. arg...how harsh reality is.


anyways, that is a summary of "jealousy and the bitches: pt 2!"

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bitch at me? GO AHEAD

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gloomy

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what is wrong with me

lately, for some reason, i've been thinking about oct.20 alot. i went back and went through all our chat logs from those few days, i read over the email she sent me, and i even looked at the chat log between erica and i. i don't understand what i was so scared of back then. at the time, i didn't even read most of that stuff...because i couldn't bear it. i couldn't bear to read it because i only thought that i was right. i didn't consider her feelings at all...i never ever looked at her point of her view.

this is the last time i'm ever going to talk about these events because sometimes...even thinking about them hurts me so much. i can't believe i was so stupid back then. i knew exactly why she called me a backstabber. i know that the events of oct.20 hurt her alot more than it hurt me. i'll try to recount the events that happened...apart from the basics i always tell people.

october 20, 2003. it was a cloudy day. i didn't know what to bring, and i ended up bringing my wallet. my mom dropped me off at school, and after visiting cory, i went upstairs to the science room. everyone had their jackets on still, i remember...because we were about to leave right away. i was anxious to leave right away because i didn't want to wait any more...and i still didn't like the fact that i sat beside nichole. so then mr. passafiume let is go downstairs and i remember i rushed downstairs right away because i wanted to go find kelly. i went downstairs, and i saw this big crowd of people. it was everyone who had science that semester, and that was practically everyone. i walked around looking for her and it was hard because there were just too many people. i met up with other people first, like winnie and lily...and then i said "brb" to them to go look for kelly. i finally found kelly...but she was with kathleen. they were laughing about something and they were linking arms. i knew earlier that they were friends. because i saw them walk up to science together at the end of 4th period. but i never knew that they were friends....i never knew at all. so then, i was somewhat devastated. i thought kelly was gonna finish talking to kathleen and then leave her to hang out with me. but she never did. she just kept talking to her. so i went to talk to lily. after the teachers took the attendance, we all went outside to get on the bus. they were still talking...and then i knew that they were gonna sit on the bus with her. winnie wanted to sit with me but i told her i wanted to sit with lily.

on the bus, kelly and kathleen sat right behind us...i don't know why. i could hear them laughing and each time, it pissed me off even more. i tried turning around and talking to them, but then even for those 5 seconds when i did, i felt left out so then i decided that i should just talk to lily. i think kathleen sat on the inside and kelly sat directly behind me. i remember she kept reaching her arm to hug me or something and i just pushed her arm off of me whenever that happened. i wanted her to know i was pissed off but then i got the impression that she didn't know i was serious or something. if she and kathleen thought it was funny then that's just stupid. i was so mad...i got angrier with every laugh i heard. they seemed so happy. so...i'll just leave them alone. why should i be left out? she's supposed to my bestfriend...she's supposed at least sit with me on the bus...especially when she was the only reason that i went...and i wasn't gonna be second to no one. i got the impression that she thought of me as a little kid or something and that by pushing her arm away, i was just throwing a tantrum. i wanted to prove to her that i was serious.

at the science center, i was with lily and everytime we saw them, we turned around and walked in the opposite direction. everytime we saw them they were linking arms. i tried to look happy even though i could like feel my blood boiling inside. i didn't want her to think that i was so useless without her...that i was nothing without her...so i hung out with lily so that she would get the impression that she was not my only friend. even though my blood pressure was rising steadily, i still had to look happy. i remember there are times when she said hi to me or whatever...or looked at me and i just glared back at her. i also remember while we were walking around, i kind of wondered where she and kathleen were...but yet, at the same time i really didn't want to see her.

during the presentation, i sat with lily...and i remember i had to borrow like a pencil and paper from her because i didn't bring anything except my wallet. olivia, carrie, catherine sat behind me and i remember kathleen or kelly sat directly beside olivia or something. so then i turned around in the beginning and i showed them my astroboy wallet. i just looked at kelly and glared at her once again.

later, during lunch, i remember we were all in the place where lunch is bought. lily was lining up for something and then i saw her talk to kelly or kathleen or something like that because they were in the same line. so i just left. i sat down with..uh..angie i think. we were talking...and then lily came. then, kathleen and kelly came to sit beside us and i got up and left right away. we sat with someone else...i forgot who it was though >___<. alot of the time, i complained to lily about them...but them in front of them, i acted like i was having alot of fun...though i really wasn't.

during the omnimax movie, we sat very far from them so i was happy. they were sitting with chris luck i remember...or was that during the presentation? uhhhh i don't remember...i think it was both. so then later, we had to go. i remember lily bought a coke in a glass bottle and it cost like $4 or something. then when we were standing outside, waiting for the bus, kelly came and hugged me from behind but then i just pushed her away.

on the bus, i was unlucky enough to sit across from her and kathleen and again, we sat like right beside each other...because we both sat on the outside. i remember i even asked lily if i could sit on the inside but she wouldn't let me. so then during the trip, i felt so abused. kelly kept touching me and trying to talk to me but i just said "go away" or "don't touch me". kathleen was laughing for some reason...that pissed me off so much. oh yea, this was in that email kelly sent me. she said she overhead me saying to lily that i would hang out with her from now on. is that what made her stop hanging out with me? i have no idea...but to think...is that what made her hate me? those few words? man i was a dumbass back then.

online, she kept saying that she loved me...and even when she was away, her away message was some sort of message to me that she loved me. i just ignored her. then i kept ignoring her and she finally called me. she kept asking me what was wrong and i finally said that i was mean to her purposely but i never told her the reason. i supposedly laughed when i said that....oh, was i sadistic bitch back then too? shit >___<.

in the past, i couldn't write this down...why? because i didn't even want to think about oct.20 and i was too stubborn to think that i was the one who was actually at fault for the whole incident. i didn't want to remember it...but then now that i think back on this incident, it was all my fault. i hurt her more than words could imagine. i know exactly how she felt. i really did. she even told me...but then why was i so stupid not to listen to her. i kept holding a grudge against her for what happened between us. i always blamed it on oct.20 and i always blamed it on kathleen for being friends with her in the first place. but that wasn't the case at all. i was the one who fucked up our friendship...i can't believe that...i was the one who caused the oct.20 incident to happen....i am so stupid.

i DID tell alot of people about this. all of them thought she was at fault..i don't know why though. i would've been saved if only one friend...just one friend...told me that i was the one who was wrong and that i should be the one to apologize to kelly. if only one person had told me that jealousy was not the answer to everything...and that our friendship mattered much more that...if only...but no one did. everyone encouraged me to hate her. my grudge against her kept growing...after the science center incident.

i didn't know that at the science center, she wanted to hang out with me. i didn't know that she just pretended to be happy with kathleen because of how i acted with lily at the science center that day. i never realized how deeply i hurt her...and that when she tried to talk to me about it after school, i wasn't even serious at all. i wouldn't tell her what was wrong...even though i could that she was genuinely concerned about it. that's why she called me to settle things. we DID end up settling it that day, but she didn't forgive me. we hung out together the next day but then she ditched me. it was because i was too busy talking to other people. i knew how she felt...i knew how much i hurt her. i know how hurt she must've been to have her bestfriend diss her like that. i know how frustrating it must've been because i didn't tell her what was wrong. i know how much it pissed her off when i laughed when i said "i was mean to you on purpose". of course i know. i know that she was sad that i told everyone else about how i felt at the science center but i had no courage to tell her. i know how disappointed she must've been when she realized that i didn't even fit the qualities of a bestfriend. i don't know if she intended to be bestfriends with kathleen or not...but i really understand why she stopped hanging out with me.

contrary to popular belief, i was the one at fault for oct.20. i never formally apologized for her for what happened that day but i know that it's useless now anyways. i'm a year too late. but then if i never thought about the incident now, i would've never realized the impact of it on our friendship. i fucked up our friendship i know that. i have no idea if she ever forgave me for what happened that day. i really don't know...but i do know that jealousy is not everything. to have a friendship destroyed by that....it's just not worth it.

i wish the science center trip happened in 2nd semester because i would've dealt it with it more maturely. i was too immature and childish to be her bestfriend back then. before oct.20, i thought that our frendship was very perfect but there was alot of flaws. i was so stupid....i realized that i always say these mean things to her...i know that i always refused to talk to her or msn or was reluctant to talk to her on the phone. i always told my friends that i hung out with her because i felt sorry for her for losing nichole as a bestfriend. i was so stupid back then...i know that. dharshika was there too...and then i was always pissed that she followed us around like that. kelly and i were never alone and that really pissed me off. but the few days before the science center...those days we were happy. i never expected something like that to happen between us.

i was so stupid. i always said that i was depressed and everything...i always said that i was such a perfect bestfriend to her...but in truth, i really wasn't. all i ever sacrificed for her is my time...nothing else. i was never there for her...i never treated her the way i wanted to. she didn't know...how many times i cried for her...i cried after the fucking science center trip. she never knew...how much i looked up to her. she never knew how much she impacted my life. she never knew that i lived...just for her. i never had the courage to show these kind of emotions though....whenever we didn't talk...i didn't want to cave into her. i had to act happy even though i wasn't. i always acted like i didn't care about her or something. but i really did...i seriously did. i wanted to kill myself because of oct.20. she never knew that. fine, i might've said some bad stuff about her to other people...but she never knew how concerned i was about our friendship...so concerned that i asked people before i did anything.

i don't give a fucking shit what she thinks of me now. i wouldn't give a fucking shit if she never fucking talks to me again. but i really do understand the significance of oct.20 now. i am getting to old for that shit though....i'm not depressed...of course i'm not. i'm gonna accept the fact that we probably hate each others guts now. i'm gonna accept the fact that until i die, i probably will never see her again.

67 days

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bitch at me? GO AHEAD

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reminiscent

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why...

it hurts...it truly does...no denying that...

i always knew there was something called "change"...of course. i knew that changes would happen sooner or later. no matter how perfect something is...it never lasts. things always have to change...and even now i don't understand why. sometimes it just seems like...everyone and everything around me has changed except me. i haven't changed at all. i never want to. but i have to witness all these things. i have to witness my friends growing up...and i have to just accept the fact that they're drifting apart from me one by one. i have to witness friendships diminishing...and those who were once so close to me have become mere strangers. but i haven't changed at all...so that's why i can never get used to how things are now. although i always feared it happening...i never expected it...until it did.

i really wish to go back to those simpler times...when there wasn't a worry in the world and everything was so carefree and happy. considering how things are now...it's hard to imagine a time when none of this ever happened yet. but there is. it's amazing how so many things could happen in a year. in the beginning of gr10..i would never expect all those things to happen...never. things just keep happening....i don't know why. it's like i have such bad luck or something. i always wish that things would just go back to the way they were but they never will.

cory and i used to hang out. back in jrps...we had the same friends so we were really close. when i got into high school...i really waited for cory to get to grade 9 so that we could hang out again. but...last year we didn't have the same lunch. bu this year...when i'm in grade 11 and she's in grade 10...we finally have the same lunch period. but then i realized i couldn't hang out with her...because i just hate her friends. cory doesn't even hang out with any of the same people she used to...now...she only has 2 friends. she herself has changed alot too. when i met cory....she was CBC...and that was something i really admired about her. she was so blunt when dissing people. she was one of the deepest people i know...the things she said had alot of meaning. but then look at her now. she's such a fob...because of her "new" friends. and she's involved in those relationship scandals now. she's my daughter...i treat her like a daughter too. no one likes to see their daughter grow up like that. even as a friend i hate seeing her this way. i hate that although her 2 friends are ugly...they are such a bad influence to her when it comes to these things. they teach her to "kau jai" and they teach her to play guys and everything. cory was never like that. we used to be so close...but her 2 friends are closer with her than i am. i've given up on that...

nancy also. i remember when cory, nancy, and i hung out together. that was only a year ago. look at them now. cory and nancy hate each other now. they have different friends. they used to hang out in a whole group but then cory decided that her friends were losers so she formed her own group. and nancy and i used to be close too. i used to hang out at her house...we used to talk on msn everything. last year she always talked about her guy problems...and look at her now. she's LEZ now...all she ever calls me for is to tell me the problems she has with joyce. i never ever expected nancy to be lez. i don't have a problem with it...but it's just...it's only been a year omg >__<.

and...one of the most obvious problems is HER. "what happened to us"...that question never escapes my mind. beginning of grade 10...we were so happy...WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? has she forgotten what we used to be like...has she forgotten those promises? oh FUCK i don't care...but the point is...i never expected this...not in my life...not ever. i never expected things to turn out this way between us...it's like one misfortune after another...until there was absolutely nothing left to cry for. until it happened...i never knew that a friendship could end so tragically...and not just one tragic end...many. the truth is...at one point in my life, i really believed there was something special about her. sure...we were bestfriends...but does anyone know what the word bestfriends meant to us? i can't explain it...but if anyone ever read the chat logs...saw us at school...or heard those phone conversations...they would know. but look at her now. is the word "bestfriend" even in her vocabulary anymore? it surely isn't in mine. does she even remember the simpler days? but i kinda do owe it to her...if it weren't for her...i wouldn't know how to be a good friend. despite how things ended up...i really learned alot from her.

i have to witness all these changes around me and there's absolutely nothing i can do about it. i just have to act normal and accept it as a normal part of life. oh how i miss grade 10. but i don't reminisce...not like i used to. even though some things may be hard to accept at first...i know that eventually i'll get used to it. i know that eventually i'll just forget about it...just like how i forget everything else. it's really no use thinking about the past because i can't change anything. neither can i prevent anything else from happening in the future. sometimes i feel like a vampire...how silly that may be. not that i don't age or anything...it's just that nothing about me changes. at least since grade 10 nothing about me has changed...but everything else has. </font>

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shounentai
kimi dake ni

kimi dake ni tada kimi dake ni
ah meguriau tame ni
boku wa sabishisa to tomo ni umareta yo

yoru ga hoshizora wo
ah umi ga kaze ah dakishimeru you ni
boku wa kimi dake wo
dakishimeru tame ni umarete kita yo

kimi wo mitsumeru to
boku no mune no naka wa
hoshi ga uzu wo maku
kingawa ni kawaru yo
. . . ai shite irun da

kimi dake ni tada kimi dake ni
ah todoku sabishisa wo
tsurete boku wa ima
hoshigusu no you ni kimi ni oriteku

I need you
it's so simple a word
moshimo sayonara no
yoseitachi ga kite
boku ni kisu shite mo
kesenai setsunasa

My sweet heart
kimi dake ni tada kimi dake ni
ah meguriau tame ni
boku wa sabishisa to tomo ni umareta yo
Only you

hoshi no shinwatachi ai o michibiite yuku
itsumo kimi dake ni tada kimi dake ni
ah meguriau tame ni
boku wa kono hoshi ni
sabishisa wo daite umarete kita yo

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UPDATEE

NANCY has LJ!! i never knew that loll...i just saw that someone added me lol. oh well ^___^. whoa...she's had LJ for a long time now but she just haven't updated haha.

most of my posts are private because...i don't know i write personal stuff lol.

this summer has been fun...better than the summers i had before. i haven't wasted it at all. i'm either at the mall, watching dramas, watching movies, or hanging out with my friends. i never would've imagined this summer to be this fun. i thought it would be boring. i thought that i'd just sit there all day waiting for something to do. but then to a very interesting summer comes the issue of exhaustion. i'm tired >___<...i really need more sleep. i sleep at lik 5am and i wake up in the afternoon sometime. no matter how much coffee i drink, it doesn't help that much lol. but then i found out, that decaf coffee makes me stay awake^^...which is kind of weird because decaf isn't supposed to have caffeine in it. lolz...but then i've had accomplishments this summer. i learned how to make coffee all by myself...which is something i never done before. i always tell my mom to make it for me or i go to tim hortons and buy it.

actually, for once in a long time, i haven't been depressed at all. i guess one way to say it is that i really do not have any problems for once...or i just refuse to stress over them. i learned...that life is just too short for that stuff. nothing is worth stressing over. nothing is worth being troubled over. actually the truth is, i've been too busy to be bothered by any problems if there are any. i have to finish everything i'd say i'd do this summer...which isn't really much. just watching shows and things like that.

cory and i always hang out...and i'm happy for that ^___^. i don't think i ever spent that much time with her before. hahaha...i think because we're even closer friends now...which is great. i lost count of how many times we hung out this summer. but then she had summer school so we didn't really talk that much during that time. she's always there when i ask her to come outside -____- unlike some other people. but then before, we always played something but now we just go somewhere to talk. so then i want to make the best of this summer ^___^.

though i haven't hung out with cindy this summer, we always message each other on hi5. my inbox...is like...mostly her messages. actually, i think like 20 something out of my 34 messages are from her. crazyy loll...even though we don't talk that much, i still know about all the things she's done this summer because she always tells me.

oh well i hope the rest of this summer goes well^^ 

[	bitch at me? GO AHEAD	|	content	]
[	Current Music	|	flame - mune no kodou	]

i HAVE changed

i think the reason why i don't want to remember the past and the person i used to be is that i want to forget everything that's happened before. i can't accept my past for what it is. i can't accept everything that's happened...and i hate the fact that i was so different back then. i know that if i were to go back now, i would handle situations much differently. back then i was so confused but then i learned alot from my experiences...i know how to handle it now. but it's too late. i hate myself for that. i wish i wasn't like that before. everytime i read my old entries on DJ or LJ...i think i'm really foolish and naive. i think i'm foolish for doing the things that i did...and i think i'm naive for feeling those emotions that i felt. i despise the person i used to be. it's not that i don't remember...i just refuse to accept it as the truth. before, i remember that i did the complete opposite of what i felt...just because of my stupid pride and because of peer pressure. i shouldn't have done all those things. i wasn't very true to my feelings and i guess i had to suffer for that. i did things i didn't agree with myself....and it was because other people believed that it was the right thing to do...not me. i was so childish back then...thinking my life was a book or a game or whatever. i shouldn't have compared it to all those things. because i knew i could never predict what would happen next but somehow i always acted as if i did. my life is not a book...or a game...every action i make affects the rest of my life. there are consequences to what i do. i made selfish decisions...i never thought about anyone else but myself. i thought that i was the only one that was able to feel those complex emotions...but i realized i wasn't. well all that's changed now.

sometimes i think i have trouble expressing my own thoughts. i remember before, i used to do it so well because the memories were so clear in my mind. now...it's much harder for me to do. it's like...those memories are blurred and it's much harder to think. everytime i recall something, it's as if i'm thinking about a dream. so now i have trouble doing all that stuff. i just write what i feel...and much less of what i do...because i simply cannot remember. sometimes i had already given up on everything that happened during the semester. i've become a shallow, materialistic shell. seriously. i think i'm too cocky for my own good. i always end friendships...and i always think that i'm better off without them. even if i knew they were depressed...that wouldn't matter to me. i could never sympathize with those people...and despite how much i hurt them, i don't feel regret at all. i don't know...is this a good thing or a bad thing? at first when i did these things to people, i always felt troubled after...as if i wasn't sure if i was the right thing to do or not. even if i wasn't sad about losing them as friends, i would still think about it from time to time. but these days, i don't feel ANY of those emotions anymore. even if i know that someone is suffering...i wouldn't feel any guilt at all. it's because now, i put my interests above everyone else's. i guess that's what selfishness is. i'm too caught up in my own life...too troubled by my own problems..that i don't give a shit about anyone else anymore. and that's why i stop being friends with people. if in any slight way they make my life harder than it already is...then they totally deserve what i do to them. and i don't feel guilt because i don't want more problems. is this the type of person i am now? that i'm afraid of having more problems? i really don't know....

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dreamdream

last night, i had a weird dream. i was in the mall with kelly and we were walking around. for some reason, i was so bored. i didn't want to be there. i wanted to be somewhere else. she spent so much time talking about nothing and annoying me so that's why i didn't really care. so when she went into a baskin robins, i just left. i went to look for my mom or something. i walked around the whole mall looking for my mom and then finally my mom started walking towards me. but then what i didn't expect was that kelly was walking a distance behind her. right after i said hi to my mom, my mom asked me if this was my friend and i said "yes". then this is funny. kellly was nice to my mom but then she'd glare at me. she looked so pissed at me but at the same time, she was trying to be nice. so then after my mom left, kelly showed her true feelings. she was so pissed off at me...and she was asking me why i ditched her. then what happened next i don't know if it was part of my dream or i just imagined it. instead of fighting with her and instead of running away from my problems...i just....hugged her. for once, i had sincerely apologized for what i did and admitted that i was just being immature. at first she wouldn't let me hug her but then after she did. hahaha what a nice dream. i wish that all of our problems were settled like that.

i remember that i would always be pissed off but then i would never tell her because i was scared of what her reaction would be. i didn't want any problems between us but i wanted to get revenge at the same time. what resulted from this was my bitterness and coldness to her. when something was bothering me...i always dealt with it alone...something i never should've done. i didn't want her to feel the same thing as i did. then i realized that it was very selfish and cowardly for me to do something like that. hiding things from her would hurt way more than actually telling her. the more i was faking it...the more it hurt her. if we had problems...we should've talked about it together. that's my mistake. if i only had the courage to do what i do in my dreams then i would be fine now.

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sunshine boyz

i talked to calvin today. the first thing that he said was "go to the show on sunday" and at first i was confused because i thought he was talking about a band show...but then he wasn't. he was talking about sunshine boyz. he said that they were having a preview show this sunday. and then i asked him to drive me but he says he doesn't have time. he told me that the band show was tomorrow...and that 4 fairchild DJ's were helping nick or something. then he showed me the website thing for sunshine boyz. i heard of it but i never actually knew what it was though. so then i looked...and OMG...calvin and nick were there. omggg HAHAHA calvin is not THAT lang jai. anyways, i was so surprised that they got nominated....calvin said that it was pure luck lol.

so yea i was really surprised. calvin acts so COOL...but then it pisses me off because he never gets to the point. he should've just TOLD me at the beginning that he was one of the sunshine boyz and that he wanted me to go see him. omg...he didn't...he just told me to go. so mean >___<. and then he makes it sound like it's really not important to him...but i could tell that he's really proud of it. geez >____<...i don't like people trying to be cool like that. it pisses me off. maybe i'll go...maybe i won't. HAHA. oh well...HE'S that "lang jai" ne? but...it's been so long already...we're not that close friends anymore...and sometimes i wonder why we're still friends. i said that he'll be famous since he's a sunshine boy but then he doesn't care about that for some reason. but gina's so slow...things have changed alot since then. friendships don't last forever...they never do...especially for me. she should realize what my life is like....but she didn't. i might go to see him on sunday but i'm too lazy to.

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kono natsu

i guess these days i'm pretty happy. this summer....without a doubt, has been the best summer ever =). this was the summer that i got over my depression...something i thought i would never do. actually, i doubt alot of people really do know what i'm depressed about...but it's ok. haha...i don't feel like explaining. it's not what most people think it is...i'm not that simple. after everything ended, all those memories of this semester...and all the troubles...they are considered the past to me now and i no longer worry about them. for me....the memories HAVE pretty much all faded away...i don't quite remember what i did this semester anymore. some things have happened to me after school ended, but i avoid thinking about them. actually...i don't really have to avoid...i really don't think of them. even if i have to be selfish and mean...i don't want to suffer through depression. i realized that i shouldn't waste my life being depressed because....i can tell that my life isn't going to be that long anyways. so...to simply put it...i'm too old for this shit and i don't have time for it anyways. i don't give a shit about losing friends anymore...actually i never really have...but i mean now...i refuse to even let it trouble me. if they in any way, troubled me in any way, then they really don't deserve to be my friends. but then....there ARE friends...that if i lost, i would definitely cry for...because i can't live without them. i realized that having friend problems is really childish. i shouldn't have wasted all my time, ne? friends will walk in and out of your life, but only the true ones will stay. i believe that's true...even though those probably aren't the exact words...but it's my interpretation of it. i think....not worrying about friend problems at all is coldhearted....and worrying about them too much is being stubborn. me...well...i used to be stubborn but now i'm coldhearted. my friend said something before that really made me think. she said....if they were really true friends, why would you lose them? and....i could barely answer this. i'm not sure of the answer. i guess...no matter how special the friendship is, the inability to overcome fights is a weakness that would eventually lead to a tragic end. if you lose them forever...then perhaps they weren't really true friends in the first place.

i believe that no friend problem is worth my time unless it dramatically affects my life. anyways enough about friendship. i had fun these few weeks. haha....i think...i'm getting more and more materialistic everyday. i have $20 left -_____- holy shit.  i think i spent like $200 since school ended. oh well....i better earn more money. there's still the rest of the summer. last summer, i always had the feeling that i was wasting my time...that i was spending all my time doing nothing. but this summer...i don't have that feeling. even the days i don't go anywhere, i still feel that i accomplished something in the day and that's what i'm proud of. i'm no longer cluttered with worries or regrets even though i know that i used to be like that. whatever happens, happens...and if i keep dwelling upon it...then i really AM naive.i realized that the more depressed i am...the more i'm unable to enjoy what life is REALLY like.

i think that i have some weird problem....i haven't been getting high lately have i? no...i doubt it. actually i think since march i was like this. time passes by EXTREMELY fast for me...and...like....it's getting worse now. like....since the end of school, it hasn't felt like a month. it feels like...a week to me. but then...i can't even remember what i did last week. isn't that short term memory loss? oh well...i don't know. it's like....people always complain because i take a long time to reply emails...but then...it's not my fault. it might seem like a long time to them...but not a long time to me at all. this is scary. the truth is....all my memories of the semester are blurred. i wasn't THAT depressed was i? i heard of this before. i'm probably too traumatized to remember the past. i always said that the only way i'll get over my depression is to forget my past...but i'd never expect it to actually happen. some people refuse to remember the past because they're too traumatized...but for me...it's like...even if it wasn't a traumatizing event, i still wouldn't remember. i mean...it's not like those memores are completely gone...it's just that...it takes effort for me to recall them....and i'm sure that if people mention it to me...i could remember some of it. it's just...blurry >___<. o wellz....i think it's better this way anyways.

anyways, today is the last day...should i do it? i don't know...i had this time to prepare for this moment. i vowed that i would get rid of all my problems before this day...and...well...they're all gone. i did accomplish what i wanted to....but....am i really ready?

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dorama...

this is stupid. i shouldn't be scared like this. i shouldn't be so fucking scared that people will read my entries. after all, this IS my LJ and i really DO mean to put some entries public....it's just that i don't want some people to read it. but i realized something. if those people are stupid enough to read my blog/DJ/LJ simply because they want to know what's going on with me or what i'm thinking...then they just have no life. first of all, this IS my own personal thoughts and i'm free to have them. i don't have to censor them just because i don't want certain people to read it. but seriously....if people can use what i write against me...then...they really aren't my friends. if they can criticise my thoughts for their own personal gain then i think they're just stupid. i can write whatever the hell i want in my LJ...and if people are offended, shocked, or even hurt by what i say...then stop fucking reading it. no one told them to read it.

lately i have alot of things troubling me. gosh...for once, i just want a normal life...but then i guess i should've known...right from the start of grade 10, that this was never going to happen. though i always want to know what will happen to me the next day...i'm also scared because i always think that something bad will happen. perhaps that's just how my life is. but...after 2 sems of this....i can't handle this anymore. i can't waste my life being troubled like this. my life is a drama...and no matter how repetitive my problems gets sometimes...i have no wish to end it because of the friends i made. i always wish for a boring life...but then....perhaps that is not possible. maybe i really DO want my life to be interesting. but...i'm just tired of this shit...i can't stand it anymore. there are friends i made during grade 10 that i will never forget about...and among my greatest achievements is being friends with people that i hated in the past. i guess if i had to choose 1 friend that i made each semester...first semester it would be nichole. i hated nichole so much in grade 9...because of jealousy. at that time, no matter HOW i thought about it...i still hated her. because she was responsible for how kelly treated me. but then...i only started being friends after i had that fight with kelly. anyways...nichole is one of those people that know everything about me without asking me. it's because...my friends are her friends...and they tell her what's going on with me. throughout the year, she's known everything that's happened...and she's always given me good advice. nichole is the type...that knows the solution to the problem before you tell her what the problem even is. i cherish those days in science that i hung out with her. i was so happy. second semester....i think i was really glad that i was friends with cindy. in grade 9, i always wanted to be friends with her. during grade 9 registration day, the first person i saw was her. i never expected her to be friends with me...but she did....in comm tech. she started ONLY talking to me during class...and i guess i was so touched because of that. we always spent our time on friendster and hi5...and because i was her friend, i was able to forget about all my troubles. i felt so trusted when she ONLY told me problems she had. she never told anyone else in the class. i think because of cindy i became really shallow and materialistic...but it's ok...i'm better off this way anyways.

all of this is included in that "drama". i guess from now on, i can't be that childish about all this. whenever something bad happens to me, i guess i have to assume that it was meant to be...and that it was fate. i have to see this through to the very end...and i will never do something stupid like contemplate suicide. that's only for people who would easily give up. no matter how much pain i have to suffer...no matter how many problems i have...i won't give up.

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reminiscent

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cute song

such a cute song about friendship loll...a little childish but oh well

nakama nante iranai to omotta
i thought that i didn't need any friends

sabishisa nanta atarimae to omou jibun ga
but for someone who just accepted loneliness as a fact of life

konna ni mochi ni naru nante
...to fall ino this...

ima koko ni, nakama ga iru
now, right here, my friends are with me

issho ni waraeru nakama ga iru
friends that i can laugh with

atarui hizashi ni furikaeru to soko ni nakama ga
when i look back into the bright sunshine, there they are

ima tomodachi mitsuketa
i've found true friendship

[	bitch at me? GO AHEAD	|	peaceful	]
[	Current Music	|	NEWS - kibou yell	]

all these years...

people always tell me that i treat cory as a bestfriend. people always tell me that she is just as important to me as kelly. i don't know if this is true or not. i guess...i've known cory the longest but...are we bestfriends? i don't know. in grade 6 when we were in a split class together, we WERE bestfriends. i guess cory was a much different person back then. she was so hyper....she was so cheerful. well she still is now...but then she's so mature now. i remember cory and i just started talking one day that year. i've always known her and i've always wanted to be friends with her...right from the start...but then i never thought that we'd ever talk. so then one day when we finally hung out, i was so happy...because cory was the first true friend that i had in my life. we only started talking at like...the end of that year...well the last few months. we got along very well...i could talk to cory about anything. then she started saying i was her bestfriend...and yea..that's the first time anyone has ever said that to me. all the stuff that we talked about...i guess when i look back it's quite funny. but we were only kids. i remember this one time when we thought of 10 things that we had in common with each other. haha...it was funny. we realized that we both liked SKY...and we both liked rollercoasters and wonderland. haha...at that time....the only difference between us was that i liked playstation more and she liked n64. ahh...those were the good days. cory actually had problems back then and she told me all about them. cory always told me about the people she hated...and it's funny because we still do that. hmm....cory would ONLY hang out with me although i always thought that she had alot of friends. it turns out that....cory didn't really like any of her friends although they liked her. i think...in class one day we changed the desks into rows and cory and i ended up sitting right beside each other. during lunch....when everyone played cards together...we'd just play cards together when cory brought her own cards. and then when we went outside, we'd play handball together because cory brought her own basketball. ahh those were the good days. but then grade 7 came....and we were in different classes. we drifted apart from then on. i guess cory had her own friends. but when i was in grade 8, we hung out again. haha....i guess....it wasn't the same as before because we weren't bestfriends anymore...but it was still fun.

but cory was different when she went to grade 6. well..she dressed like a goth. well...not like a goth...she wore baggy jeans...and then....she had this obsession with skulls and skull shirts/necklaces. it was weird lol...i guess she still does. maybe it was because of me lol. but like...she was so different. it always seemed like something was bothering her but she never told me. she always acted so normal and happy. she always had these cuts on her arms...and i guess it was probably from her problems. a few days ago, i asked cory if she was depressed when she did that...she said no. she said that when she's really angry, it feels better to let the anger out by cutting herself. lolz...oh yea...she had this obsession with exacto knives. in gr7 and gr8 we were still friends but not as close i guess. then in gr9 when i had to go to high school, i guess THAT'S when we drifted apart. we stopped talking for so long...but i guess occasionally cory would call me or we'd go to pmall or something. but still, we weren't that close. i guess that summer, which was last summer, everything was fine again. we started going to PT more and we started talking more. mostly, we'd just talk about weird things or i would tell her my problems, but cory would never tell me HER problems. then this year, i realized that she really doesn't HAVE any problems...but she said that if she did, she would definitely talk to me about it.

cory and i would hate people together...haha so i guess that's probably one of the reasons why people think we're bestfriends. until now, i finally understood one of the reasons nancy was mad at us at that time. i understand now why she kept saying that cory was more important to me than she was. well at that time...i really didn't think of it as that way...but i guess that she probably was. it's because that day, when cory and i were riding home from nancy's house, we kept talking about the 2 people we hate. we thought about what nicknames we should put ours as. nancy was mad because cory and i were in it together and we left her out of her plan. we never told her. then i remember that one conversation nancy and i had. she kept saying that i changed...and that it was because of cory. cory supposedly "didn't give a shit about anyone". but i never thought that was true. i know that cory might be a little cold to people...but not to me at least. maybe she treated nancy like that so that's why nancy thought she influenced me. and then....like the whole grade 10 year she kept saying that cory was my bestfriend...and...everytime i was so puzzled. because well...that thought never occurred to me. nancy always said that i was nicer to cory than to her. and in one of our last conversations, i said that the friendship between nancy and i could end in an instant due to something wrong that's said...but the friendship between cory and i could never end like that. i really appreciate how cory would give up nancy as a friend. when that fight was going on between us and nancy...we never once blamed each other...that was because we knew that we were in this together. even when i said that i wanted to be friends with nancy again...cory offered to send an email to her for me...or talk to her for me...that was touching. but then even now, cory is not that great friends with nancy anymore....and i think it's because she's aware of what happened between us. on canada day, her parents told her to go to nancy's house and call them to pick her up...but after we started walking there, i asked cory if she was really gonna do that. cory said "no...don't worry...we don't have to go to her house". awww >___<.

i don't think that nancy ever quite understood cory...and i doubt i even understand her that much either. but i know that...she doesn't trust people that easily, possibly because she was hurt before. like....when she meet new friends, she probably gives them the impression that she doesn't like them....but that's just how she is. cory is not an open person...neither does she always consider other people's feelings when she says something. maybe that's why nancy thinks she's a bad person. i don't know. i was never able to see any of this because...at least to me cory is nice. the truth is, cory's not that nice to anyone...even her friends. she always bitch at me about them lol....and i always bitch at her about my own friends. i don't know...if she'll ever consider me as a bestfriend or not. last year, i was talking to jacky...and then jacky said that cory considers me as her closest friend...but i don't know if he said that based on observation or from what cory actually said. a few days before canada day i was pissed because cory said she had planned to see fireworks with melody. but then the day before, cory said she'll lie to mel for me....because she didn't want to see fireworks with her. and then on that day, i asked her why....and she told me how mel broke up with her bf. i don't get that...if mel is her friend...shouldn't she comfort her? haha...i don't know...cory's excuse was that she'd rather see real fireworks than ones you set off yourself. hahaha....i don't know if that's the real reason though.

but the truth is.....i never once thought about if cory and i are bestfriends or not. it never occurred to me although everyone tells me that. i guess there are things i'll never understand. maybe i'm blind. there are times when i get pissed at cory..but then for the most part it was never serious. she's the only friend i never got into a fight with. i guess nancy was right. maybe our friendship is unbreakable. maybe...i DO consider her as a bestfriend. but even if i did....would cory ever consider me as a bestfriend too? i don't know...she's my mad cow daughter, MCjr.

all these years, i never once treated her differently because she was younger than me. haha i always say that she's so cute...but i do that to everyone. i never thought she was a kid. i don't care if she's younger than me. she's alot more mature than alot of people i know who are my age. but maybe because of our age difference we aren't bestfriends. we can't always talk...we can never be in the same class...and we can never have the same friends. cory has her friends...and i have mine. but despite all this, we're still really close. i tell cory about my friends...but i just have to give a little bit more description...and she does the same too. maybe we'll really be bestfriends next year..we have the same lunch. i WOULD switch but i want to hang out with her. it's been so long. maybe things will change next year. but i just know that she's the only reason i have my lunch in that period.

on canada day she told me alot of things about herself. that was the longest time we ever hung out. it was like from 1:30pm to like 11:30pm. haha....cory told me about cutting herself and having scars....and then she told me how cutting your wrists can kill you. well of course i knew about that, but cory showed me the proper way to do it. she's so smart. she also told me that she's short tempered around her parents. the smallest thing they could say could piss her off. but she said that with her friends she's not like that. i never knew that about her. actually...i think cory DOES tell me about her problems...just that she doesn't make it that obvious. i remember how she told me she got into a fight with her parents before...and they made her dye part of her hair back to black. awww >____<. i remember that conversation that shuyun and i had the other day. she was telling me how in some cases, it's better to be normal friends than bestfriends...cuz maybe u get along better with them that way. is that what happened between cory and i? i don't know lol. i don't know what will happen next year. maybe we'll be bestfriends...i don't know. guess i have to wait and see~~

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creative

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Best Friend
Sung By: SMAP

best friend, best friend
taisetsu na hito

kenka nakashite mo boku wa honki ja nai yo
yasashisa nante daremo mienaeshi

suna o ni kono kimochi ima kuienai dake
wakatte iru yo boku o shinpai shiteru koto wa dakedo

omoi o sotto tsutaete okure
best friend, best friend
taisetsu na hito
ichiban mijikana boku no best friend

best friend for me...

sonna kanashige na kaoshi da ii de hoshi
boku datte chotto komatte me o sorazu

mimi o fusai demo kokoro to sasanai
kikoete iru yo shinjite ii yo zutto boku o dakara

omoi o sotto tsutaete okure
best friend, best friend
daisuki na hito
totemo totemo boku no best friend

[Instrumental]

konya te buru ni memo oide oku yo
gomenasai tte kisaku kaku tsumori

kaze ga fuki nukete arashi sugita ato
kanarazu kitto itsumo dori ni sora ga katteru you ni

omoi wa sotto mune made todoke
best friend, best friend
suteki na egao
ashita wa misete yo boku no best friend
best friend, best friend
daisuki na hito
totemo totemo boku no best friend

best friend for me...
best friend for me...

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working

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ベストフレンド

what is a bestfriend?

bestfriend, bestfriend, taisetsu na hito

bestfriend, daisuki na hito

totemo, totemo, boku no bestfriend...

i always wondered what a bestfriend is. i mean i have my own definition of it but i don't think it's right. i think a bestfriend is someone you have an unspoken unconnection with and you feel that you can tell them anything. it's a person that seems to understand you the most and you can have a conversation with them about anything. yesyes kelly IS my bestfriend...the only person in my life that i've really considered as a bestfriend. what separates her from my other friends is that she and i have been through so much. we went through all those fights and everything and we're still bestfriends. sometimes, when i hang out with her, i'm quite amazed. my depression....all those blog entries i wrote, it's all because of her. everytime i cried when i was depressed, it was because of her. i guess on the outside she seems like such a normal person but she's not. she's my bestfriend. i think it's amazing how we can go through all of that and then be able to put everything behind us. but i guess we both learned something from those fights....that's what counts. we know what mistakes we shouldn't make in the future. basically....our friendship becomes stronger from the fights. i never understood why fights were good for a friendship but after all that, i finally do. i'm glad that we could overcome those fights...cuz if we didn't, i think i would regret it for the rest of my life if i lost her as a friend.

but according to people like alice, kelly and i AREN'T bestfriends. geez wtf does she know. she thinks that kelly and i haven't known each other long enough to be bestfriends. she thinks that we're bestfriends for the sake of saying we're bestfriends. that's not true...if "bestfriend" was merely a word to me, i could say it to anyone. i can't really explain it. even though kelly and i don't know each other for so long...but for some reason, i know that we're meant to be bestfriends. i know that i was depressed so long for a reason. i know that i shouldn't give up on our friendship that easily and that's why i made an effort to be friends with her again. i was friends with her again not because i was too depressed. i got over my depression long enough. i was friends with her again because i realize that if i didn't do something, nothing could ever progress. we would stay that way forever and i never wanted that. i knew that kelly wasn't going to do anything about it....and i thought that waiting for her would just be a waste of time. i was so fed up with the fact that we were so childish by ignoring each other...so i had to end it. i think that it doesn't take a long period of time to get to know someone...i think that the progression of friendship should not be measured by time. it's possible to know someone all your life but only be normal friends with them. it's because you don't "click" with them...haha i should really find a better word for that. but kelly and i get along really well and it FEELS like i've known her for a long time although i haven't. most people have such thing as "kindergarten friends" which are friends that they've known since kindergarten and are therefore really close with them. for me, i always had to switch schools so in my life...there's no such thing as "kindergarten friends". the longest time i've known someone is since grade 6 and that's cory. you don't have to know EVERYTHING about someone in order to be bestfriends with them...you just have to understand them the best.

i admit that perhaps in the beginning, when kelly first said we were bestfriends...we weren't REALLY bestfriends. i mean...we probably considered each other bestfriends...but i don't think that either of us actually KNEW what a bestfriend was. of course we DID get along really well and i was so happy hanging out with her all those times...but i think that at that time....the actual word "bestfriend" had to be said to know that we were bestfriends. like...during second semester last year, i was depressed because i didn't know if she and i were still bestfriends...since she was ignoring me and hanging out with nichole. she didn't talk to me at all for so long...and i guess i was just waiting for her to say the word "bestfriend" so i could know that we're still bestfriends. she said it ONCE...in may....but then...i still wasn't sure. i think at that time, she was happy that i was her bestfriend...but then she couldn't bear to tell me the truth...the truth that really NICHOLE was her bestfriend. but anyways, we aren't really like that now. i guess now we just kind of KNOW we're bestfriends. true friendship IS unspoken, but for me, there are times when i really need to make sure that we're bestfriends.

for me, a bestfriend....is a completely different kind of friend...like in a different category than all my other friends. that's how special a bestfriend is to me. like...i treat them better than all of my other friends...i would always be there no matter what...and even if i'm busy i would talk to them because they are more important than anything else. and i guess with kelly, i would ditch all my other friends in school just to hang out with her. i don't know. i don't think we'd get along that well if we hung out in groups. oh yeaa...that is another trait of a bestfriend. if you can have fun with ONLY them...and if you would leave your friends to ONLY hang out with them then i guess that person is a bestfriend. ummm like to mee...."bestfriend" is one word....and the "best" is not an adjective. to me, a bestfriend is basically just a very special friend that i can't live without. to me, i don't use the word "bestfriend" to describe a friend that i like more than my other friends...i use that word to describe a person that i care about the most and a person that i would die for.

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geeky

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why must this be

too many painful memories i want to forget...too many painful events i want to stop troubling over. things that happen to me do not bother me...it's the memories that bother me so. if it were completely up to me, i would just forget everything. memories prevent me from moving on with my life, memories prevent me from changing into a completely different person. people...usually learn from their mistakes...i don't for some reason. it's because....i don't believe that i make mistakes. everything i do has a reason...and everything i do can be explained with detail. but then i realize that sometimes i DO do things on impulse...but then everytime, i always swear that i will not regret what i do. i always believe that at that speciific moment or time, it was the right thing to do. but i'm not like that anymore. i may think i'm right, but in other people's eyes it might not be so. sure...i can explain anything in a way that the things i do were right...but then that is only my personal opinion. i never once considered what other people would feel...because the only thing that mattered were my own feelings. yes i was so selfish back then. now, i actually think before i do things. because...even if i don't regret it at that moment, i will...eventually.

depression for me used to mean hurting other people just so i wouldn't have to feel the pain alone. but...i realized now, that i'd rather suffer alone. i don't want to see anyone suffer through what i had suffered through. i don't even want to tell other people my problems. like cory said, "it's better to keep problems to yourseld because if you tell other people your problems, you will make them sad too". she's right though. i don't want to make anyone else sad...i don't want anyone else to ever know how the depression i suffer through. that's why i choose not to tell people my problems. it's just that...although it probably will make me feel better...it will influence me to do things i won't normally do. like...sometimes i do things..and although i know it's wrong, i still do it because other people agree with it, not me. i realize that when i used to tell people my problems, i don't necessarily take their advice. in fact, i never do. it's because no one is me. no one can think like me. no one can sympathize with my feelings...seriously. no one will understand things from my perspective except myself...and that is the truth. no matter how i explain it, no one will understand how i feel.

memories are the scars of my past. they are the mistakes i made. memories are the pain i had to suffer through. reminiscing is what made me depressed. thinking back to happy memories hurt the most for me...but before, i couldn't help it. sure...it makes me think back to those moments...but then, it always hurts so much because i realize how things are in the present. i don't want to cry anymore for those memories. i don't care anymore...actually...i don't WANT to care anymore. there's a saying that goes "everything happens for a reason but the reason is what you have to find out"...well i never ever realized the reason for why things happen. i just accept the fact that i have bad luck. for me...i agree with the saying "nothing good ever lasts" because for me...it's really true. no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i suffer through, there is really nothing good that comes from it. everything ends, and no matter how much i want to cherish a moment, i can never cherish it forever because it always has to end. that's what my life is like. broken memories. i failed so many times before. i don't even want to try anymore. i give up.

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crazy

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blog

hmmm is it just me? or did i really BS alot in my blog over the semester. i don't know. there's alot of things written that i really don't agree with. or maybe i've just changed. i know i took alot of time to write them...but when i read them now, none of that stuff really applies to me. when i read them now, alot of the things i wrote seem so empty. it's like...i know i hate small talk but then in my blog, i wrote so many boring things. i don't think i ever got to the real point. hardly anywhere on my blog does it say that i was depressed...but i WAS depressed during that time...i think. i don't remember...is it because i didn't want to talk about my depression or was it because i was too preoccupied with all the other things that were happening in my life? i'm not sure. did i REALLY get over my depression that easily? don't remember. i don't know why i have short term memory loss these days. i think school was the reason why i wasn't depressed. and the fact that my friends were always there for me. when i was at school, there was nothing that could make me sad.

at first, i was really hurt whenever kelly and i had to walk by each other in the halls and act like strangers. everytime i always had to act normal or act like i didn't see her...but the truth is, i was always so hurt inside. i'd never make eye contact with her because i knew that i would start crying. i would always have to act happy at school...i'd always have to act normal around my friends during the lunch period...and especially during japanese class i could never show that i was sad. all this was pure acting of course...but after a while, i think that i really got used to it. it wasn't acting anymore...it was actually real feelings. i got used to the fact that at school, kelly and i were strangers. i guess it really didn't affect me that anymore that we weren't friends.

but i definitely was depressed. everytime i thought that i finally got over my depression, something would happen that would make me extremely sad again. the truth is, i think that i chose my other friends over kelly at that time. when i stopped being friends with her...i did that partly because i gave into their peer pressure...and because i wanted them to be proud of me. i also did that for nichole...because she always wanted me to stick up for myself. alot of times, i would have to act happy around them....partly because i didn't want them to worry...but i think mostly because i didn't want them to keep telling me how kelly is such a bad friend and everything. this is one of the reasons why i think that kelly and i weren't really bestfriends back then. if i truly considered her a bestfriend, i should be able to choose her over my other friends...but i didn't. i thought i would...but after what happened, i turned to them right away. but then after a while i realized, that i should make my own decisions. i shouldn't tell other people to solve my problems for me...because that way, nothing could ever end up the way i want it to be. i ask people for advice because i want reassurance...i seldom USE that advice. that's because i should solve my problems myself...and when i ask people for advice...i just want support. no matter how i explain it, i could never convince other people why i'm bestfriends with kelly. i could never make them see what i see in her. therefore...they could never understand how much pain i was in at that time. they could never understand why i was so depressed...and why i missed her so much.

the thing is, whenever i said that i was ok...i was partly lying. i did that to deceive other people..but in truth i was just trying to deceiving myself. in the back of my mind i knew that my real intentions were to be friends with her again somehow. no matter how much i said it wasn't possible...and how i had given up already...i still had hope. during that time...i always wished that there was some way we could be friends again. i know at times...i would bitch in my blog about how much i hated her...but the truth is, i always TRIED to make myself hate her...but i could never do it. i didn't have the heart to hate her because after all, she was my bestfriend. that's why now, i make decisions without the help of my friends...because what can they do? i don't even ask them for advice anymore. the more i tell them...the worse their impression of kelly will be. i don't want that. when i told my friends my problems, i never knew that they would end up hating kelly like that. i mean...i think we both made mistakes...and people should not use our friendship as an example of why they hate kelly. it's stupid. they should think for themselves. sure...i want them to support me, but then i don't want them to blindly accept my opinions. because i know that i'm not always right...and the more people say that i am, the more i'm influenced to do those bad things to her.

during the semester, there were times when kelly and i were friends again but things never seemed to work out for us. i never told that many of my friends about this because i knew that they would be angry and say that i caved. well...during the beginning of the semester, i thought that the worst thing i could do was CAVE. but then i realized...my life is not a game...caving or no caving...who's gonna care? this IS my own life. i was depressed..i wanted to be friends with kelly. that's all i ever wanted. so therefore there was nothing wrong with what i did. in may, when my friends got mad at me, that's when i knew that some things i should not tell my friends. no matter how much it's bothering me, i still shouldn't say anything. if kelly and i are having problems...i should never tell them because they'll just say "i told you so".

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sick

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Cagnet - Hear me Cry

You couldn't say
needed someone new
You actually thought
deep inside I knew

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happy

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shuyun

shuyun is really a great friend

shuyun is one of my closest friends. she's always been there for me. but she is an online friend. but who cares...it's possible to be really close friends with someone even if you've never met them. well at least to me...she's closer than most of my friends. i don't care if i've never met her before...it doesn't make a difference in our friendship at all. i feel so blessed that i have her as a friend because she's one of those few online friends that i managed to be friends with for so long. she's one of those very few people that i actually click with..and that i share an unspoken connection with. i dun have that many friends like that...but shuyun is definitely one of them. i still remember the day we met...it was like....march 16/17...she emailed me saying that she visited my site and that she wanted to be my friend. i get alot of these e-mails so i really didn't really pay that much attention to it. i just replied and that's it. but little did i know...this is one of the most happiest things that happened to me in my life. to have a friend like her...is a dream come true...seriously. most online friends...you talk to them once or twice and then after that, you lose contact with them. but shuyun and i....well...that was different. she lived in singapore so we could only talk early in the morning or in the evening because there was a 11/12 hour time difference between singapore and canada. and then she had her holiday at that time...so from like march 16/17 to july 7, we talked every single day...except those days when she had to go out or i had to go out. but we talked every single day for like...2-3 hours each day. talking to me online everyday became part of her schedule. shuyun....is one of those friends i never expected to meet. she was like...the first friend i was ever that close with. we talked about everything...because we had everything in common...singers, actors, etc. but then...i realized...that around the time that i met shuyun was when there were problems between kelly and i. well..not really...kelly simply just started ignoring me. but then i was very sad at that time...and i think that if i didn't have a friend like shuyun...i would've been really depressed. but i did...and talking to her made me feel alot better because she gave really good advice.

...we had to drift apart...

but then it turns out...school for her...and summer school for me, started the same day...july 7. except of course...time difference...so then the last time we talked was that saturday night...which was like...july 5. i still remember that conversation. we talked about how it was probably fated that we met because we really got along with each other. we also talked about how we would always keep in touch even after we start school. and then...we talked about how we were so glad that we were friends because we had become really close in those 4 months. but little did i know...july 7 was like...the last time we talked for a very long time. sure...we talked some other days after that...but then it was only for a few minutes because she had to go. so then....we never really talked for that whole time because either of us were busy. i guess at first i was kind of sad because i talked to her EVERYDAY for those 4 months and suddenly we didn't talk...but then i got over it. this year...i think we only had 2 memorable conversations. one....was during may...it was like a week after kelly and i became friends again. she gave me some really good advice because i had some problems. but then...again...she had to go and we only talked for a few minutes.

i dun think i trust anyone more than i trust shuyun

but then today...was definitely a memorable conversation. i remember that day...december 15...when i had that dream and she gave me some really good advice to my kelly problems...and today...that happened. the truth is, when i tell people my problems...i tell them because it makes me feel better...i don't expect them to help me with those problems or to give me advice..i just want them to cheer me up. and most people...don't give good advice. it's not like i don't care about other people...i take their advice into consideration but i just don't do what they say. no one really understands me that well to understand my feelings...and to understand why i'm depressed all the time. but shuyun does. because well...talking to someone everyday for 4 months really creates an understanding between u and them. she's like a sister to me. i think....every advice she gives...i would do it without thinking twice...because i trust her. not that i don't trust my other friends...it's just that...shuyun has been there for me everytime i've had these kelly problems. even in grade 9 second semester...she was there to talk to me all those times i was down. and yes...even though we didn't talk that much...those times we DID talk...were during those really depressing times of mine. so shuyun knows everything....any opinion that she has of kelly...i would respect it because she really knows EVERYTHING...not alot of people know as much as her...so when they judge kelly...i get really pissed off.

that conversation was so memorable

so yea...we talked for like 2 hours just about friendship. because i know that shuyun is the type of person to know alot about friendship...and i guess i am too...so we just discussed alot of things. actually...it's because of her that i know so much about friendship and everything. she asked me what a definition of best friend was...and i guess i really didn't know either...but i still described MY definition of a bestfriend. shuyun...is really alot like me. when she said that she doesn't understand the purpose of a bestfriend...that was like me...BEFORE i met kelly. and then when she said that she drifted apart from her bestfriend because she realized that she was more comfortable telling her other friends some things...that really shocked me...because that's exactly how i am. though i can't tell kelly some things...i really make an effort to...because after all, she IS my bestfriend. anyways we talked about alot of other things too. it made me think of alot of things. it made me think..."are kelly and i really bestfriends" and like..."what is a true friend". so yea....i know what to do now...seriously. well my plan is still the same. i'll talk to kelly in a few weeks and hopefully by then i'll realize exactly what to do. but right now, i don't have the courage to talk to her...not yet. i don't have