Hostgator

I wonder what it means?

But it lives on at http://tunginobi.blogspot.com/, because that's where my blog has been moved. This is just here for the wanderers who happen upon this dusty old blob.

May this collection of nonsensical crap rest in peace.

Yes.

Uh-huh. It seems my major source of discussion topics, the Hard Questions Room down in the MegaTokyo Forums is moving incredibly slowly as of late. I'd make up my own topic, but I've got work to do.

So there. Wait till next week, and I'll see if things don't speed up.

Just as a little thought question: has anybody ever had a metal splinter before? I was in a Computer Engineering lab, where we had to assemble a programmable buggy, and during the soldering process, I somehow acquired a metal splinter in my right index finger. I managed to pull it out before it buried itself underneath my skin, but even then it was quite painful. How does one acquire a metal splinter while soldering?!

Ain't that funny?

...

Anyway, I've decided that nobody really wants to read about me ranting and complaining about nothing in particular. Yes, I admit, I've actually run out of things to complain about. All things considered, things are running quite nicely in life. Yeah, I might not have any sort of social life to speak about, and yeah, things are moving kinda slowly, but isn't that the way I've always liked things?

Enough of that. Take note that I'll no longer be rambling here. No, I've not abandoned this place yet. This account will now be the proud home of my ranting and raving about anything in particular. This will be a topic-based blog now, focusing on specific topics, or at least just one or two ponderings over the previous week.

As for news on my thoughts on Kim, bad luck. You'll find them here. And even then they're going to be pretty thin on the ground, since I'm kinda outta contact with her, with myself placed in university and falling rather short of my attempts to move myself into a new life by dropping the former life. I concede defeat... there's no way I'll get away from the past life. Too intertwined with who I am. Besides, apart from LOD, Kim's the only other part of my former life I'd rather not part with. (Hand on a second, didn't I say I wasn't going to discuss her? Oh well...)

So, topic based. Wait until Saturday for my very first topic.

... the question is: why?

Well, I got stuck with this whole Friday-night-is-Christmas-Eve-night, and I missed out then. Of course, now I'm up later than ever, so I'll keep this short.

Got new version of GearHead tonight. I'll bet it's cool.

Been playing old-school games again. Got kinda hooked on Ultima 4 for Sega Master System, currently being played on emulator.

Development. Sphere RPG Engine supports same sprites with different colours. Found it out while mucking around with colour matrices.

My Christmas wish was Kim. Obviously didn't expect to get her, obviously didn't get her. Not too disappointed, I'll worry about it some other time.

I should get going. Cheers to one of the shortest updates ever!

Just updating to remind you, the faithful readers, that I am still alive. My life has been draining away recently, thanks to this game, and I'm loving every second of it.

Still, I can't go on forever without touching the sweet, sweet code once again. I've been working on a roguelike game. You move around as an '@' character in an interface filled with ASCII characters, and basically, you explore. Screw artwork, I should have listened to those old game developers who didn't have the new-fangled hardware needed for graphics today. You should just enjoy the gameplay, and let the images come into your mind as you play. You shouldn't be force-fed 3D models of something that can't lip-sync correctly. Games are about fun, and roguelike games are just that.

Well, until next time...

Oh, almost forgot. Got my HSC results back. They came in almost as I had predicted: 80 average. Actually, I got an 83% average, but that's just the raw exam marks. I'll see what my UAI is tomorrow. This paves my future, in terms of actually taking responsibility. But when there's holidays, there will be much retro game playing and coding, and a bit of living in between. Actually, scratch that last one.

I don't know why I keep on typing at this time of week, at this time at night, at this time full stop. Oh yeah, this is the only time I'm actually allowed online.

Holidays have started for the rest of the school-doomed, so it seems. That includes my good friend LOD, so now I can call him whenever I feel like, or rather deem appropriate, which is good. But thinking about the holidays makes me think about school ending for the year, which makes me think about school, which makes me think about Kim all over again.

Today, I woke up the earliest I've ever done in five weeks: 7:45 AM. And I just sat for a full hour, thinking about what I'd normally be doing if I was still going to school, and what Kim would be doing at the exact moments which I chose to think. Really, the goodbye is pretty much official on this day, or maybe on next Tuesday, with the end-of-year mass for the school I used to attend. Then, I'd truly have to say goodbye to Kim in my heart. By early next year, I'll be concentrating on my studies in university, involving computers. Surprised? You shouldn't be, if you're a regular reader.

In fact, comment on this entry. I need to know if anybody is out there actually reading this mumbo jumbo. If there's a response, I'm famous! If not, I'm not embarrassing myself! Win-win situation!

I'll bet in the first month I'll barely be able to remember her face. By this time next year, she'll be a distant memory. It's a little sad when you think of things that way. But that's the nature of time. Time changes everything. In fact, time itself IS change. I refrain from wearing my wristwatch at home; there are already too many clocks around the house. None of them are really accurate, though.

I've been griping about self-motivation, or the lack thereof, for a while now. I can do this, but I really have to try, and so far, I haven't been trying hard enough. All I've been doing is thinking about it. Just like I've been thinking about Kim. I've spent most of my spare time since my final HSC exams just thinking.

And I think I'll keep on thinking, because that's what I do best. Better than programming. Better than writing. Better than conjuring up gobbledegook that involves an extended vocabulary that portrays me as somebody smarter than what I truly am. Heck, I'm even better at thinking than I am flirting with women on the bus or on the street.

But I'll keep on thinking, because that's what makes me me. Now, it's about time that I poured my thinking energy into something more productive than inner monologue...

In the words of none other than the most obnoxious pediatrician (spelling?) in practice, featuring in the hospital sitcom Scrubs, which I've instantly grown to love in this new season... if it can be called that, it features on late nights near midnight.

Really, I've got all these great ideas, and I feel like I've got the mind to do almost anything I really want to. However, the reality harks a different message. I've done virtually nothing over the past week or so. The question is: Am I kidding myself? Am I really capable of doing these things? Yes, I've always been. But will they ever be done. At the current rate of work, 0 units of work per unit of time, I won't be finished... well, ever.

But there is hope. I'm seeing if I can get myself off of my lazy arse and actually doing some creative writing. It's funny, creative writing always gets my mind buzzing. The secret is the find that "spark" that tells you to start writing, because once you've begun writing a section, you feel the need to see it through to the end, which is good. Souls of the Rift has been that way in the past. Of course, SotR isn't moving very fast...

I'm beginning a new tale. The Iron Halo. A science fiction work based on the David Peterson's Hell Fighter world. I'm not going to bore anybody with the details, but it's a very good premise, and allows a lot of room for characters to flourish and conflict, all while fleeing the ever-present overbearing institution who "knows what's best". The important thing about writing is to try to not bog yourself down too much with planning. A little planning discussion is okay, but going into each event in detail without writing it will kill the story. I know, it happened to a "new and improved" version of Souls of the Rift; a version which quickly died, and I later had to dispose the corpse of.

Funny thing happened earlier this night. I received a phone call on my newly-acquired mobile phone. It was from a girl, which was funny, because I can't remember having any female friends within the past six years of my life (doomed to a single-sex school, I was). Anyway, the whole thing was just a wrong number dealie, and I politely and light-heartedly said goodbye and hung up. Afterwards, I could feel my heart racing at a million miles a second. I got so worked up, I had difficulty negotiating the halls of Dracula's castle in the guise of Juste Belmont, even though he was technically boosted to demigod status. It makes me wonder when I'll actually taking a call on that phone from a girl who's really looking to talk to me. Probably won't be for a year or so...

Wow. Went a whole LiveJournal entry without mentioning Kim... oops, too late. Oh well, while I'm here, and still reviving increasingly older topics, I'd like to point out her distinctive eyes. I don't think I'll ever forget her eyes... they're what I remember most vividly about her. She has these slightly darkened eyelid rims, not enough to look like eye shadow, but enough to draw attention to her natural beauty.

Programming-wise, standstill at the moment. I might actually want to follow up on Brian Robb's request for me to include scrolling in my Sphere console object. Then move onto my animation object so I can get to work on making the real Glob the Blob game.

Keeping in touch with my online buddies makes that single period each week worthwhile. Makes me wish I had Internet free reign...

Or... lack thereof. Ever since I got out of school, and stopped seeing Kim, I feel less of a need to do anything. I feel that there's something wrong with that, even though there might not be. I don't know, perhaps I've spent too much time trying.

The reason I mention Kim is because that I remember that "rush" I used to get whenever she was around. I mean, I was normally just a little crazy and ecentric, and I still am. But whenever she was near me, I suddenly felt this sudden burst of unburnt energy, and I'd go from strange to larger-than-life. That was along with the sheer joy... Come to think of it, I think this element of being larger-than-life at those moments was a byproduct of the joy.

Anyway, in those times, I was bursting with concepts and ideas, largely poured into my programming efforts and my story, Souls of the Rift. I was filled with ideas, and more importantly, the drive to actually give them life.

I've got this roguelike random dungeon idea crawling (pun intended) around in my mind. It's been in there for the past four days. During the first couple of weeks out of school (at last), I had other ideas which I immediately coded and painstakingly debugged repeatedly until they worked. Now? I've been reduced to sleeping in until midday, and mucking around with old freeware and open source computer games. I seem to have lost that compulsion, that drive to make myself actually bring life to my ideas. I've lost the buzz, and I think it's because of my having to leave Kim. It's far from the only reason, since I know myself to be traditionally lazy, but at least when I was spending time with her, I was actually following my heart, not just with her, but with everything I touched as well.

The ability to create has been temporarily disabled. I know I've still got the magic touch, to bring my ideas to life. But while I get over Kim, it might be a while before I really try to do something.

I was cut off in my last session. Well, what I mean is that my Internet connection went south before I could post my previous LiveJournal entry. The one that's up there is backdated. Since I only get to go online once a week, that meant that I had to bottle up everything I was about to say here at this time last week for a whole week. That, or just save it all in a text file and wait until now.

The point is that whatever I wanted to say then has been lost. Well, not all of it. I had something I really needed to say, and that was that I knew that Kim was going to attend (or rather, had attended, it was last Sunday) the Year 12 formal as one of the staff group, and I wasn't there. On that Friday I tried to give her the gift, I knew she didn't realise that it was the last time I'd ever see her. And I knew that when she got to the formal venue, I wouldn't be there. I knew that she would be disappointed. Well, I technically don't _know_ know, but I get the feeling that I'm right. I'm usually right, anyway.

That marked something for me, sitting at home while this beautiful lady was at the formal. I didn't purchase tickets. After all, my initial impressions of the whole formal deal was sitting around in a formal setting, having to use manners and correct etiquette (spelling?), watching other guys with their girlfriends, then sitting at the dining tables alone while the partners danced to some lousy music and I (and a few other unfortunate souls) would be left in my seat. And, final times like those demand some sort of conversation. After all, it's the last time most guys in my former year group would ever see each other again. Not me though. I'm not one for small talk. I've never been much for conversation, and I only speak when I feel I need to speak. Of course, it's killer for any notion of having a social life.

My point is, for people like me, who were never really "in", that things like the formal would just be sad. I don't want to sit at a fancy table, eating food I don't like, and then sitting in silence while I check out other people's girlfriends.

Of course, at the time I had to make the decision of whether or not to go, I didn't feel as much for Kim as I did near the time of the formal itself. Of course, by the time I might have considered changing my mind, the initial ticket payments were already set in cement. I wasn't in, no matter how much I wanted to.

Regardless of formal presence, I felt that that Sunday was the last I'd ever even think about seeing Kim again. That's when probability went from infinitesimally small, to zero. When I finally thought that Kim had said her goodbye to me, something which neither of us really got around to doing, at least directly.

But none of that matters anymore. I've still got my computer work to do, my games to play, my stories to write, my ideas to breathe life into, and my friends I choose to keep in touch with. Plenty of things left to be done. Lots of time to relax.

I'll be okay. The question is: Is "okay" enough?

Here I am again for another 2:00 AM in the morning session at the computer. I suppose you're looking for an update, are you not? Fine, I'll give you an update. Besides, I'm not typing this for anybody in particular, even if people read this... I'm rambling, aren't I? I better get started on my session of self-absorption.

First, the easy stuff to type about. My programming seems to be slowing to a halt over the recent days. I can blame numerous things, the easiest and most logical being myself. But it's been hellishly hot for a week in Spring. My room happens to be at the top of my house with a window, facing the sun, I can't seem to close, and a lack of curtains. The end result is hot air pushing out the room air, and I'm helpless as the sun's rays heat up the carpet and generally turn the room into a natural microwave. The fact that the window doesn't close is made just that much more irritating by the fact that it is mosquito season. Everybody else with a room can shut their windows and seal the flyscreen. Me? I just have to grin and bear it, sleeping with my head beneath my sheets to prevent the hilariously frequent mosquito bites to my eyelids. Puffy eyelids do NOT look good.

On the other hand, my addiction to ADOM has been rekindled. Not by anything in particular, I just really like the game. It's found at http://www.adom.de, and it has to be perhaps the most detailed, enjoyable and challenging roguelike games I have ever played. Beats the crap out of NetHack, anyway.

Okay, now for the angsty bit. I've been thinking about Kim, more than ever this time. It must have taken this amount of time for things to really hit me and have my mind saying to myself, "I'm NEVER going to see her again." And, this feeling... sucks. Those times when you feel like jumping up and down in sheer joy before become times when you fall into silent reminiscence and anxiety. I got up today, and I was just lounging on the couch, and I looked at the clock. 8:45 AM. I'd think to myself, "She's probably getting into her class now, shutting up the kids and starting to take the class roll."

But the major contributor to this anxiety is the upcoming Year 12 formal. No, I'm not going. (cut off)

There's a whole week's worth of stuff to write about, and of all the times I had to choose to write about it all, I had to choose my relaxation Friday night... or Saturday incredibly-early morning. Take your pick, it's all effectively the same.

So... I'm gonna need direction with this update. Hmm... let me see. I've spent a lot of time thinking about the wonderful times Kim and I shared before last week, before it all came to a sudden halt. I've been working on my programming muchly, as usual. I've been keeping online links with friends, which is a plus. Oh, WinAmp's original developers have left the project after being forced out by the commercial AOL. And then there's life in general after the HSC.

First things first. The eleventh of the eleventh. Remembrance Day, for us Australians. We all take a minute of silence in the memory of those who lost their lives in war. Or, if I'm anything like I normally am, that minute is incorporated into the many hours I keep my mouth shut anyway, and let my mind wander all over the place, grappling for some topical content, like I am now. Ah yes. I was watching the ABC as they went silent for a couple of minutes, and I couldn't help thinking about... the past. Yeah, even a "now" person has to look back now and again.

It brought me back to last year on that very day. I was still at school, a Year 11 student with my spiffy blazer, white shirt, grey pants and lacking the "Senior" badge which I received later on for Year 12. Anyway, I remembered the lower school yard, with the blue rubber flooring and concrete support pillars for the building. And, near 11:00 AM on that day, I, along with everybody else in the school, was instructed to move into this undercroft area. As I sat down, I did what I naturally wanted to do. My eyes searched for that special lady. And when I found Kim, and saw her, she looked right back at me. We were probably over twenty metres away and separated by hundreds of sitting students having their own private conversations, but we locked eyes, and we both knew how the other felt. It was a special moment. Needless to say, neither of us really quite focussed on the ceremony that was taking place after that. This far on in time, I can't really recall what she was wearing, or what was really going on, or anything like that. I did remember the important details, which were that she saw me, and all was warm and fuzzy. Such memories and moments still make me smile, even though that special lady will never grace my sight in person ever again. I've had many moments like these, recorded in all their glory on my local computer diary, but if I told all the tales, it would take up time, effort and energy I can't really afford at the moment. Or ever for that matter.

Away from the warm fuzzies for a moment, while I talk about the Sphere RPG engine. I've been hard at work making a console object for the graphics-based Sphere engine. I spent a whole five days trying to perfect the thing, and I think after hours upon hours of arduous debugging, I've rooted out all but the most obscure bugs which may just exist in my imagination. Basically, the deal is that you've got a little box, and the normal Sphere developer can now use the library and write a few lines of code to make a place where text can be printed and accepted, just like in command line modes such as the one DOS uses.

I wanted to include a few spiffy features, like word wrapping and scrolling lines. But after I accomplished the first, the second wasn't even worth my time. Word wrapping has got to be one of the most disagreeable parts of my code since... ever. I spent hours just trying to get the thing to work, and when it finally did, I wanted to go further and make it work better, like the word wrappers in text editors you see today, or in HTML document displays of text. Building it from the ground up was the most difficult thing I've faced yet. This is using only Javascript, with only graphical functions which allow you to specify x and y coordinates and the text to be drawn at that position. No fancy text APIs, that was all handled from the ground up. I honestly slaved to get that thing working. I spent hours using the input functions to create text that would purposely crash my engine. The funny thing was that I always got pissed off whenever I ran into one of those purpose bugs. I remember on four separate occasions of sitting back and shouting victory over my code for finally thinking it was working, only to discover to my horror that I'd discovered an unexpected crash.

I've reviewed the little console library multiple times before offerring them for testing by my close friend LOD, and the maintainer of the Sphere RPG engine, known to most as Flik. I hope they test out the console vigorously, because I have to iron out ALL of the bugs. I know I didn't tackle scrolling properly, and I don't intend to. I refer to anybody willing to take up the task as "insane", according to my little demo which says exactly that. Besides, I need to get to work on an animation engine which combines scripting power with regular images, instead of being stuck with inflexible animations such as .mng or .flic. This could be a revolution, if I created a systematic method of animation in Sphere, where developers, not particularly strong in the graphics field, could use their programming prowess to create animation masterpieces. It's a lot of work, but I have to do this. Partially to help the Sphere community, and partially because I can't really make much progress in my Glob the Blob battle engine without the animations.

It's hard to keep in touch with people, now that I never have a reason to really leave the house. I like it here and all, but it lacks friends. I can still talk to guys like J. P. Marshall III, or Straker, or LOD, or Blake, using e-mail and instant messaging. But I can only go online once a week, which is part of the reason I'm typing here at this hour in the first place. Well, that, and I've got a six hour download going on, which I don't think I'm going to complete now for some reason.

It's a sad age for software developers like me when a dream dies. That dream happens to be WinAmp, now under the maintenance of AOL, which I believe will push it far back on its list of priorities. The original developers were pushed out when AOL became forcefully commercial in the regulation of the actions of the original team, also known for Gnutella and an open-source encrypted peer-to-peer network whose name I have forgotten. It's sad for us small-time developers. The age of the aspiring developer has passed. People like me must turn to the collective power of the spirit of programming, or open-source. Once I move outta this house, and get myself a decent Internet connection at my beck and call, I'll make sure I contribute to the open-source movement. I have to. I need to keep the spirit of programming alive. To keep commercialisation from ever truly destroying the little people like me from pursuing their dreams.

Well, that's enough from me. I miss Kim, I really do. But when I look back, I don't regret a moment of what happened.

It's a terrible time for me to be typing anything, so I'm going to try to avoid much of that. But before I go, I'll just say that I've finally completed highschool (woo!), I tried to give a small gift to Kim but failed because she refused it (she saw through my ploy like grandma's underpants), and now I have to get some serious sleep. I suppose that's the end of that chapter. Time to rest up.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I'll be providing more details next week. Until then...

I should stop typing at this hour. It makes me more tired than I already am. It's the only opportunity for me to type without the whole family peering over my shoulder, though. I guess this would be easier if I had Internet access in my room, but what are you going to do?

I can't find any decent free webhosting around here anymore. Just a couple of years back, free web space was fairly common. Now, there are all sorts of restrictions like not being able to link images from outside the website, displaying banners AND popups, and giving a pitiful amount of space. Makes me wish I was old enough and profitable enough to have a credit card, enabling me to register to reputable paid services. They're the only refuge from the crud of the 'net.

Rant aside, I may as well speak of life once again disproving my theories. I saw Kim again today, several times. I roll in to school in the middle of the day, about an hour before my Software Design and Development exam. I say goodbye to my father before he drives off, and when I enter the school, I discover it's lunchtime. Great, just gotta make it through to the other end of the yard and to the stairs without getting hit by the excessive number of sporting projectiles (i.e. balls) travelling at dangerous velocities.

As I'm halfway through, I notice who it was who was supervising. None other than Kim. I almost ran into one of those junior students on my way to that up staircase. As much as I would have liked to have hung around, I still had to do some sort of cram study for my upcoming exam. And so I head up the stairs. I wasn't sure if she'd seen me, but I was mighty glad I saw her.

I didn't have to worry about her not seeing me then, because outside the library, two floors up, she was just finishing her supervision shift. The school building is structured so that people on balconies can generally see other people on different levels, at least on the open air balconies. And she saw me, just as I saw her. Cool. Really cool, for lack of a better adjective or description at 2:00 AM in the morning. The last I saw of Kim was when she walking out of the staff lounge with a cup of coffee in her hands. She wasn't adverse to turning her head to catch a glimpse of me either. It's good. Makes me feel special. Actually, just writing this is lifting my spirits. That coffee thing sort of links back to that time I thought would be the last I ever saw Kim, which, funnily enough, wasn't.

These sorts of episodes worry me, because each time this happens, I fear that I'll enter a state where my mind hopes to just randomly see Kim in public or in the future, which, realistically, isn't going to happen. The mind knows that, but it hopes otherwise, and that's something I'd like to avoid.

Also, I read once that returning glances eye-to-eye was described as "intense" in terms of behaviour. I'm not sure if I'm intense as such, but I know I've got a stupid amount of willpower, and I won't fold to obstacles or adversaries. Unless I can't be bothered, it depends. The most important part about living is to live for the moment.

Next Wednesday heralds the end of my formal end-of-senior-years examinations, dubbed the HSC (high stress conditions). But I still want to come back to the school after that, just once, so I can speak with the school's helpful careers advisor. I want to submit a portfolio of my programming works to universities, and some advice in that respect would be appreciated. That, and it gives me a chance to pull another September-22nd style "stunt" for Kim. I want to give her a small gift. It isn't of high monetary value, but I think it's worth the effort nonetheless.

I don't quite know what it is about that lady. Whenever she's around me, I just burst into joyous life. It's a very strange effect, but my previous experiences with this sort of thing (though not quite like this... actually, each is unique) should tell me that I shouldn't be surprised: this is one of my typical responses. It has a positive influence on me, so I'm cool with it.

Sleep is imminent. Oh, and don't ask about my taste in music. It's cool.

Now that I'm here... I mean, I've graduated, it's time for a bit of philosophy. I don't plan to see anybody from my school ever again unless they're really close friends. I'm nearly halfway through my final examinations. And I can leave all this school business behind me, just to wait several months and throw myself into another of society's educational institutions.

I was just thinking about the sheer pointlessness of virtually everything that has been pushed into my mind for the duration of my schooling. I mean, I finish off the English exams, and suddenly, my stacks of English notes mean absolutely nothing. I completed my Chemistry examination today, and my Chemistry folder is nothing but a useless piece of plastic. It's got me thinking... why does the NSW state government place so much emphasis on education that's so separated from life? Why not teach lessons about living?

It brought me back to what the basis of education is: facts. And examinations and assessment tasks are the analysis of an individual's capacity to recall and process these facts. In other words, the individual must know facts. And it's all very black and white: you specifically know a fact, or you don't.

And then come the lessons in life. The artistic view of the world. The majority of people dismiss it, merely on the basis that they're too caught up in the "real world" to really care about things like thoughts and feelings. Those things that can be perceived, but you can't quite put your finger on it. It's a little surprising, because some can have such a profound, deep and meaningful effect on you. Even now, I'm having trouble finding quite the right words. In the end, you'll understand me or you won't.

But lost are the senses. I recall thinking to myself of how people have forgotten how to feel. The smallest things can make the biggest differences. We should bring senses to the surface, in my opinion. Lost in a world of cold, hard facts and issues, the individual is lost.

Sorry, I'm not really finding the right words, am I? Philosophy at its core is without aim, so I suppose that explains a few things. But how do you know? When you're asked about whether you know somebody or not, on what basis do you say 'yes' or 'no'? Knowing a person isn't the same as knowing a fact or a definition in a textbook. When you say you know a person, you can really only sense it. You don't know quite the basis on which you make your answer... you just know the answer.

I think the key to knowing isn't in any textbook you hire from your school or college. It won't be found in any documents, or even in the best motivational or self-help books. You really don't have any words which will enable you to know life. To know yourself, to know perspective. To know that the real world can carry on without your worrying 24 hours a day, seven days a week. To keep the important things on top.

It was these thoughts that crossed my mind when I decided that enough was enough, when that schoolwork really started piling up for me. At the time, I thought that my first priority was to get my work done, at nearly any cost. I had an academic reputation to uphold, and I aspired for the top, no matter how hard. And... I'm not sure when exactly, I decided that the pressure was too much. I realised that I had blown scholastic matters out of proportion, and along the way, I had lost some friends, a life, and a bit of life itself (no, not a typo.)

To live, to think, to feel. These are the lessons that we learn for the rest of our lives. I remember in primary school initially believing that learning started in Kindergarten, or the very first year of school for overseas readers. Obviously, I, and the others who had joined me in the opinion, were corrected with the fact that learning starts as soon as you're born.

I look back over my school life, all my past thirteen or so years. I always said that I remember the craziest things, but never anything that I needed to remember. I can find accounts of what I was doing and how I felt exactly two years ago this day, but I can't recall the first twenty elements of the Periodic Table. I remember a girl in a drama mask hugging me from behind last year when I went with my family to my sister's school's open day, and even my exact reaction ("ooookaaay..."), but I haven't a clue as to what the formulas are for dividing a interval in a given ratio.

I was wrong. I don't remember the craziest things. I remember the most important things of all. I remember my life.

To more pressing matters and stuff. Once all this HSC business is over, I can get back to doing what I do best: programming. This coming "holiday" period places the focus squarely on a nice little RPG project I've been working on. Facilitated by the Sphere RPG engine, Glob the Blob is my first real attempt to create a complete role-playing game. Involving none other than blobs as characters, it's a single-player adventure, with the protagonist obviously being named "Glob". The plot's completely haphazard, but making this game is really doing its job in getting my mind off its arse while I plant my own in the computer chair :). Seriously, though, once I get stuck into a programming task, I usually don't like leaving it untit it's done. For example, I sacrificed twenty minutes of this weekly Internet time I had (*sob*) in order to create a dialog box system for Glob the Blob. I'm a dedicated programmer, even if I'm a lousy organiser of time.

Speaking of which, I'd just like to share now that I don't really like the concept of time as we have it. People that anticipate the future tend to always be prepared, but always worried about the uncertainties that are associated with it. People that reminisce and look backwards fall too deeply within themselves, and tend to become lost in their own thoughts, and, in more severe cases, sorrows.

I'm a guy that likes to think of the now-moment. You don't live in the past, and you don't exist in the future either. What matters is what is now. If there was ever a good solution to why I always leave things to the last minute, it's because I don't believe in placing effort into concerns that are not immediate. Call me lazy... I call myself thoughtful.

Bah. I've been rambling again. It's what happens when I'm placed in front of a keyboard for too long. I'll just wrap up my beliefs in eating, sleeping and breathing, thank you very much.

Just while I'm here, I may as well note that very soon I'll never see Kim again. Aren't you asking why I'm saying this when I already stated that I would likely never see her again before? Well, it turns out that I chose my words carefully. I don't say much, but what I do say is always important. As such, it's my duty to see that I choose my words carefully before ever saying anything. Of course, that tends to lead to situations where I just plunge into thought instead of saying something, but what the heck.

Anyway, I said that I would likely never see Kim again. Of course, things rarely ever turn out the way you expect them to. When I left primary school, I thought I'd never see Genevieve again, and yet I saw her numerous times after then. When Alex was going through her HSC exams last year, I thought that I would never see her again, and yet I've seen her at least three times, one time coming out of a local university.

And so, just when I say that I think I'll never see Kim again... there she is. I'm on my way to what I thought would be a dreary day for me, since it was my English Paper 2 - Modules exam, and I traditionally get my lowest marks there (or maybe in the first English paper... I forget which.) She didn't see me, which was too bad, but it's not like I'm going to turn back time to steal a moment for myself, so meh. As she came out of the train station I passed, I just took the time to watch her, while I walked, of course. I secretly hoped that she would follow the same path as I, but my mind could sense that she would take a right turn to the coffee bar. Funnily enough, that was exactly what she did. Well, what business does a student with a teacher he doesn't have any subjects with? Hmm... I'll leave you, the reader, to think about the answer to that.

It wasn't much. But it was enough to turn around my Wednesday. I went into and came out of that English exam with more confidence than I've ever done before. I wrote more, and I focussed on the question while still remembering to analyse techniques and that textual evidence (read: quotes) that I needed. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to in the two hours given, but I did more than I ever did before in an English exam that consisted of three essays in two hours. It was a four-page average for me... an extra page above my usual average! If that doesn't register improvement, I don't know what does. On that note, apart from still feeling the warm fuzzies from seeing Kim, I had the additional spirit rise of never having to face the deconstruction and systematic analysis of any text ever again!

I've been here for over an hour, so I best be off. Apart from derailing completely from my topic of choice, I think I've written a bang-up entry this week. I type too much...

I despise writing at this time of day, or rather night, but it's the only opportunity my rather crowded family will allow me access to the Internet, which is a little unfair now that I think about it. Anyway, enough of the small and immediate concerns, I have officially graduated.

This means goodbyes to the people I considered my friends, at least in the senior year which I just graduated from last Thursday. It was quite a day, that Thursday, but I'm going to try to make it quick. But, knowing me, I can't make any promises about how quick this is going to be.

No, I'm not going into recount mode. The graduation day was good, because there was no more schoolwork, obviously. It was drawn out, though, which was bad. I myself didn't mind the day overall, but it didn't have as much to do with spending time with my friends as it did spending time with Kim. Yeah, I have to admit, I didn't pay much heed to the fact that I wouldn't see most of the faces there again. There's only one thing I'm really going to miss about highschool... and that's Kim.

I feel like going all nostalgic at this point, specifically about those special moments with this lady. There were a lot of moments when we'd look into each other's eyes... it didn't matter how far away we were from each other, because in those moments, we were always as close emotionally. Or maybe I've been putting too much emotional weight on this. Meeting eyes like that is technically flirting, so I've been flirting with this highschool teacher for the past one-and-a-half years. I don't know... maybe I'm wrong about that, too. It's most likely a mix between the two. But at least I don't have to leave with the regret of never getting around to telling her how I felt about her. For the non-regular readers, you might want to go back and read about that stunt I pulled on September 22 earlier this year. The point is, I told her how I felt, and that's enough for me to not drown in the 'what if's of telling her.

I said to myself no nostalgia. Anyway, that Thursday morning, breakfast was being served on the roof of the school. Of course, I already ate before I left home, so I declined. Besides, I'm rather skeptical of mass-served food. There were only two things of note. The first was that I signed the shirt of Straker, so at least there'll be one person who'll remember me when I'm gone. Or two, because none other than Kim, along with some other teachers of no real significance to me, decided that they'd join in the festivities. Actually, it wasn't so much festive as it was like another lunchtime, but in the morning, and with breakfast instead. Oh, and I don't really like cooked breakfasts either, too bloaty on me. So, Kim was up there, and she didn't notice me at first. Of course, being the keenly observant person I am, I noticed her instantly. She was eating along with those other teachers I just mentioned. Then she turned. And she saw me. We're traditionally very subtle about this whole business, so she turned back to her meal. But I knew she saw me, because she side-glanced me at least three more times after that. Whenever she looks at me... I don't know how to explain it, but she has a pair of the most alluring eyes I've seen. I picked up her slight smile too. She's so cute when she's happy.

But that was something I'd have to put behind me, because with the way the world works, it was likely that was one of the last times I'd ever see her again.

That is, until I realised that she had actually come to the graduation mass that evening at 7:00 PM. There weren't a lot of teachers at the drawn-out mass to shoo us out of the high school system the NSW state government has set up, but she was one of the ones there. Little mysteries like that always intrigued me. Actually, I didn't really find out that Kim was there until I was actually in and seated. It was a surprise to me that she couldn't find anything better to do on a Thursday night, but it was a pleasant surprise. I could just barely see her, and at one point she actually turned to see me, and that was what kept me awake through two odd hours of official-type people blah-blahing through the whole "ceremony."

Oh, and despite my programming skills, somebody else in my class claimed the Software Design and Development award. Oh well, I'll prove myself in this world some other way. There's always another way. I'm honestly tired of awards. When I go up to an employer, I don't want to plonk all these certificates, medals and trophies on their desks come interview appointment. That just makes you look conceited and one to rest on your own laurels. No, I plan on building a portfolio of my programming work, something I've got in spades. Awards mean nothing if the guy who has them doesn't have the motivation to actually get work done.

Anyway, when I met up with the rest of my family outside the steps of the cathedral, my mother gave me a relatively simple decision: stay behind for the refreshments in the school hall, or simply head home. The more impulsive (and lazy) part of me wanted to crawl back home after a tiring evening. But before I opened my mouth and spoke, I stopped. Perhaps... she'd stay behind? Yeah, Kim would want to socialise a little before going back to whatever she does normally. And so I decided to stay behind.

The night was actually pretty good. I socialised with the friends I probably wouldn't see again in person for a long time, if ever. Straker, Ian Lim, Sheekey, Blake, Sean "M.J." Yang... the whole bunch of them. But my focus was on only one person: Kim. She was there, and she noticed me too. And she looked into my eyes, perhaps for the last times ever. I could have just rushed up to her and hugged her, but I though that the one stunt I pulled on the Wednesday of last week of last term was enough. She knew how I felt, and I think that's made all the difference.

So, goodbye mind-numbing back-breaking labour forever. Goodbye friends. Goodbye, you stupid school. Goodbye, educational incarceration. Goodbye, having to deal with homework.

Goodbye, Kim.

At this point in time, I'm fast approaching my final exams. In spite of my own efforts, I have officially wasted these entire holidays with... nothing. I've been doing little else but thinking lately. And no, unfortunately nothing is about the subjects that I will be sitting in for the HSC.

Today I saw on my sister's desk a 2003 yearbook for her school. Incidentally, a lot of girls I knew from my primary school also opted for this highschool, including one I hoped would be buried from my memory for good: Genevieve.

You have observed my lack of willpower in the struggle to study over the holidays, and now you shall see it in action again because... yes, I picked it up and looked. To tell you the truth, I'm a little scared of this girl. Not that she's scary as such, but... it's hard to look at the picture of the girl you obsessed over for numerous years and then fell into depression for. That, and looking back on my ugly, obsessive self from yesteryear. Nowadays, I've stopped being that dummy who had to be so latchy to what I now consider nothing more than a stretched-out infatuation, and instead looked for the brighter things in life, like sleeping and such. Again, it frightens me to see her face. I mean, she's pretty, and the fact that I still think that after so long is the thing that frightens me.

And then comes the big election tomorrow... or later today, rather. I'm Australian, if I hadn't mentioned it before. And this girl that scares me so happens to live very near me. If I'm quick, and lucky, I could probably avoid seeing her at the polling booths. So I'll pray for that. And I support Mark Latham and an Australian Labor government, just for the records.

I'm feeling really lazy at the moment... and tired too. So I'm going to get straight to the point. I've been in holiday mode, and my final exams for the whole of my secondary schooling are in less than a fortnight. Woo. Well, despite other's opinions, I was never the model student. Holidays like this inspire the gamer and games developer inside of me, while shunning away the stresses of educational incarceration. Feeling good, but I'm not sure why. See ya.

I've reached the holidays of my last official and full term of high school education. You'd think this would be a great time for me to catch up on the many hours of lost sleep over the past couple of years, right? Wrong. I've got my final HSC examinations (HSC = Higher School Certificate = High Stress Conditions) coming up, and these two weeks are paramount to my otherwise weak and feeble study tactics. It's in the following fourteen days that my memory will be jammed into high gear and store more than I'll ever need to again. Then, exam session by exam session, I regurgitate information onto the papers.

That aside, it's been a rather interesting week. So let me get started.

LOD didn't show up at school today. How the heck am I supposed to return that David Zindell novel he lent me if he doesn't show up? I've still got three days of next term at school, but if he doesn't come back then... well... he's going to lose a book, really. Then again, I could always just call him.

Back on Wednesday afternoon, after school, I gathered up what little guts I had, and did what I said to myself that I would do. Summoning Kim from the staff room was what I perceived to be the hardest bit. Not so. In her presence, I was unable to string two words together, and I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. For a while, Kim didn't know why I was there to see her. I knew I wouldn't be able to speak anything remotely coherent, so I just handed her the pocketbook/present with the note I wanted to give to her. She didn't quite understand what was going on until she opened the paper, reading:
-----
Kim

I like you. A lot.

Tung Nguyen
-----
It was at this point where her face suddenly changed into a smile. She quickly said "take this" as she closed the book with the note and placed it into my hands and started walking. I began to follow until I realised that she was walking away, so I just left for the afternoon.

To be short and precise, we were both pretty confused after that little stunt of mine. I knew how I felt, I've always had a handle on how I've felt. Well, Kim didn't show up yesterday, the day after what had happened. I've been able to successfully hide this from my friends... that, or they're just turning a blind eye to it out of respect for me. Either way, by what classmates from her classes have told me, she made a few mistakes in her instructions to the relief teacher. I could tell why she wasn't there, and to a limited extent how she felt, too.

She arrived for today's school day, though. She seems to be back to normal, and she's even returned to her original behaviour patterns of returning my glances again.

Well, now I can leave the school, safe in the knowledge that at least one female I've ever felt strongly for in my life has had plausible proof of my feelings and thus knows some part of what I feel. Even if it did sort of cause a system shock on both ends. Then again, what sort of effect would you expect from a student telling a teacher that he likes her a lot?

The night is getting increasingly late, so I'm just going to leave at this point. Same time next week, then.

Hello again everybody! It's been all too long since I've posted an entry here.

I suppose it's not the greatest idea to be writing to a journal in the middle of the night on Friday when you really just want to go to sleep. I do all my real journalling in a local text file. Over the past year or so, it's grown to over a megabyte. That's pretty cool, considering how big a megabyte really is. In this day and age, it's easy to forget how fast the computer units just seem to shrink. 1024 x 1024 characters is a fair bit to type, you know. The secret is to just add a little bit each day you feel like writing about something.

I've made another little revelation for me. I'm now going to use this a proper sort of journal in the sense of the word. I've been a little cautious, since I've got friends who might think differently of me if they ever got their hands on this. But nuts to that, I'll take on my usual guise of indifference and plod onwards. There's no use having a LiveJournal account if I can't say whatever I want to say, now, is there?

To that end, I'll just jump into the deep end at this point. If anybody actually reading this cares about things that don't seem to make sense, then... tough. I'm not here to explain myself for your amusement. I'm here to type, and type is what I shall do.

First and foremost, I'm running along the final stretch of my secondary education. In little more than a month, I'll be sitting my final HSC exams, and then... nothing. Actually, high school ends much earlier than that, so it's going to be goodbye mind-numbing, back-breaking labour forever.

At least that's what you'd think. To tell you the truth, I'm not terribly thrilled with the idea of abandoning the way of life I've learned to cope with for so long. No, I still hate the work and I've no fondness for the compressed building in the middle of Sydney. However, at least I've made a rough schedule of my life while at school. I'm not a guy of many friends, but I'm not going to get to see them on a regular basis anymore, which is disappointing. BTW, the high school I'm at is all-boys, which is in itself disappointing.

There's one other reason I'm not so happy about leaving school. I'm going to partially respect privacy at this point, and I'll just mention a first name. I've become very fond of a young lady in the school teaching staff named Kim. And with pretty much one week to go before it all ends, I'm feeling very much pressured. Not because of exams, but because I know I have to do something about my feelings for this special lady.

But then I had to be plagued with the shy, quiet guy syndrome. That pretty much means doing anything bold or risky is an instant no. But telling Kim how I feel is going to be exactly that, and that's what I'm going to have to do. I tried to overcome my brain's judgement on numerous occasions to just approach and talk to her, but, even in such a small campus (little more than a building, really) it's hard to locate people, and even harder to find a little privacy.

I've got plans for this coming Monday, though. With a foolproof plan that caters for every situation I can think of, and with a little luck, I could be speaking with Kim as soon as Monday afternoon after school. It's an elaborate and needlessly complicated, but then again, I've got way too much time on my hands, and I spend too much of that time thinking. Thinking leads to this sort of craziness, but heck, that's who I am, and I'll be damned before I ever change that.

Good friend of mine, nicknamed LOD. Younger than I, but we get along better than most people. But lately I'm a little annoyed with LOD. You see, he doesn't know about my feelings for Kim, so he's happy to be spreading rumours about her. I won't go into the nature of these rumours, but it's causing me a lot of irritation and unneccessary anxiety. I wish I could just tell him outright to stop, but then it would reveal a lot about me I don't want him to know. Honesty may be the best policy, but under what conditions? I fear he's going to think much lower of me once he knows my standing in all of this.

But I plot and scheme and do these sorts of things. I've got an image to protect, albeit a lousy one, and I've got things that need to be accomplished. I won't backstab people, but I'm not adverse to pushing things aside in favour of my purpose. And in spite of all this, I still believe in a deeper sense of life, and no, I don't mean Christianity (in spite of the fact that I am a Christian).

So many people on my MSN "Friends" list, so little time to chat. I haven't MSN chatted with anybody for nigh on two weeks, and before that, numerous months. I can only go online once a week at this late night hour, which totally sucks. If I had more connections, this would hardly be a problem, but... nothing can be done about it. Worry is a poison, and I'm not keen on poisoning myself.

It's probably the same stance I hold for my exam preparations, or lack thereof. I know I should do something, but I've always been driven to do only the absolutely neccessary, and never anything more. I'm tired of working at schoolwork. It's extremely unrewarding, and seems to work to no purpose. If your schoolwork helped other people in the community or even around the world, then of course students would express an interest. But after 12 full years of study, us students at the final year are already burned out. We can't take anymore, we're through, and we're exhausted. This is the education system that the Australian NSW Board of Studies has designed, and that's determined by every conservative old person that gives a damn. Of course, nobody consults the students who are under the oppression of the system.

Sorry about getting so down on that, I should be thinking happy thoughts. Lallalalalala. There. Done. I need to stay more or less positive so that on Monday afternoon I'm feeling peppy.

That's my first TRUE journal entry. And there will be more to come. After all, honesty is the best policy :).