Ugh...I got my wisdom teeth pulled out on Friday. My face hurts sooooooo bad, and I'm on so many pills. D: I just feel sleepy all the time. And I can't eat anything! Wah!!

..thats basically it. I'm doin' okay besides that.

-Z

Been soooooo busy. @_@ Wah!

Migraines: I've been having them again. But that's mostly due to a severe cold (read further about it) that I've had for about a week, maybe a bit more. But lately, thanks to the acupuncture, the migraines aren't as bad, and when I have them they only occur in small spaces, not in large areas. So its slightly more tolerable than usual. :( I'm just worried that these migraines will continue when I'm in college. They may cause me to drop out, and thats what I fear the most.

Severe cold: I've been having a severe cold since the 19th. @_@ Ugh. No fun it all. Its this weird strain that's a little worse than a cold, but not a flu, and close to walking pneumonia, but not quite. I've been having my sinuses stuffed up (causing me to hyperventilate and get real dizzy), an upset tummy, a burning throat, achey body, and horrible migraines. And due to the sinus pressure when I move my head my molars feel like they're just gonna fall out. I had to go to the doctor in order to figure out what was up, and it wasn't my normal doctor. XD It was funny, cause of my habit. Y'see, I have a habit of covering one ear while the doctor shines the light in the other ear. Dad taught that to me; he said it was so the light wouldn't shine out the other side. So I do it, even until this day. Its just a tic I have. XD And she laughed hysterically about it. Ahhh, so funny. But aside from that, I've been bored and just feeling like blah. D:

College planning: I'm looking at scholarships for the two colleges I'm considering: Pacific University and Portland State. So far, nothing interesting. :( I want to go to a college in Hawaii, but I can't. Its too expensive. I want to major in Japanese, so if I lived in Hawaii I'd make a TON of money. :) Who knows, maybe that's where I'll go.

Wisdom teeth: AAAAAGH THEY HURT. They're all growing in all at once, and and and and I get them removed next weekend. D: GRAH. Iz frustratificating. -.- In the meantime, I've been taking pain meds for that stuff. Blah. I've been going through gum like crazy because of that. I just need to chew on SOMETHING to get the pain out. It could be because I have meds that has the side effect of 'jaw clenching', too. Odd side effect, I know.

Senior project: I'm going to be doing my senior project on working with special education children. Sure, it doesn't exactly pertain to my intended major, but I find the work very satisfying. It almost feels like my purpose. And my mom says that its something that she see's me do very well. I've always been good dealing with special education children, and I make friends with them very easily. So my senior project will be centered around this.

Math homework: I've been having trouble with math lately. Mostly due to the fact I've been having migraines in class and I don't care for the teacher I have very much. But so far, I'm not doing as bad as I thought I'd be doing. So I'm proud of myself so far! :)

I think thats it. :) So far, things are lookin' up.

-Z

Its been a while since I've had a proper post here, maybe a month or so. Blah.

First day of school: IT SUCKED. You can't hug people now since its 'against the rules'. And just...agh. I want to explode inside! Everyone seems angry at each other on the inside, but we're all happy on the outside. We're just pushing through this because we have to, its just a duty we pay to the school which we have sold our souls to. Everyone seems on edge, so petty and dumb, so 'I don't know anything lalalalaala' and ditzy, its enough for me to just SNAP. AAAAAAAAAAAAGH.

Fish: My fish are doing okay at the moment. The new little white guy I got is just absolutely adorable. I still don't have a name for him. Any suggestions? He's real skittish. @_@ Blaaaagh. I'm trying to train him to get comfortable with my hands, but so far no luck.

Malice and discontent: People are DUMB. DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMBDUMBDUMBDUMB! JESUS H. CHRIST, everyone seems to have something against everyone nowadays. And it seems that this year, I have no one to really hang out with anymore. Not like I ever did have anyone. :( Nick got the friends in the breakup. Feh. Maybe this is a sign that I'm going to be alone? I don't exactly fit into any particular niche. And I guess thats what I hate about myself at the current time. I don't fit in and i can't. I'm the square peg in the round hole. I'm the Capulet to the Montagues, the Nazi to the Allied Nations, the Dark Side versus the Light side. You get my drift. Life sucks. :(

Personal image: Its not good. I'm fat, short, have a hatchet nose, I have an aching body, migraines that I can't stop, and I CAN'T FIX IT. I want to fix my weight problem, but I can't fix anything else, and I fear that my migraines will stop me this year. I may just give up. :(

Just about a years difference: Just about a year ago...I was with an asshole. And so far, I think I'm at a higher spot than I was when he broke up with me. Frankly though...I still feel like punching him in the nose. But I have Tom. And I love him so much. I want him to know that, even though I honestly have some doubts about the two of us, as were just so different. And I don't know if the aspergers is something i can handle. But I am willing to try.

Cancer: Why does it exist? And why must it hit those that have done nothing to hurt people and have only kindness and love in their hearts? And why must it make my mother cry? Why does it show up to those that my mother loves? And why...why does it hurt such innocent, loving people...why?

-Z

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people?

Life still sucks, so here's a meme.

I lost the battle. I'm going back onto my meds. How weak.

-Z

Aaaaagh.

Life: It SUCKS. I'm more irritable than usual, I feel like I'm getting angry at every little thing and I'm about to explode. I'm afraid that I'll explode and it'll be at the wrong time, for the wrong reason. In particular I'm scared I'll scream at my mom and lose control. I'm afraid I'll get physically violent at someone or something that I do not intend. But what can I do to get rid of this rage? Its an anger I've never felt before: its the kind of anger where I want to scream, hit someone or something, and cause devastation unto someone or something. Its an anger that seems so destructive. But I don't even know WHY I'm angry! I think I need to meditate, and soon. Otherwise this anger will eat me up and I won't know what I'll do.

Meds: I'm finally off of my depression meds. Its liberating, yet...unsatisfying. Its kind of a paradox, so to say. I'm so happy I'm finally off of my meds, but now life doesn't seem as joyful or entertaining as it once seemed. Its like people make such a hype over something and when you finally do whatever it was, it wasn't as fun as you had thought it would be; it didn't live up to your expectations. Right now when I look at things, I don't see much fun in anything anymore. But why is this?

School: I got the stuff for school registration. My biggest problem however is that I have NO IDEA what class I'll be taking for english. I asked for Honors English 12, which is one step up from learning what a verb is (regular English 12), but one step below from learning why an author used a dying moth as an extended metaphor for life and what the message is due to such a thing(AP English). However, they put me in the advanced class, which is AP English. I love the AP class, honestly I do, but with the migraines thta I have I can't keep up with the workload. When I have a migraine, I'm down and out. I cannot function well during a migraine, and I'd rather turn in something with thought that a piece written during a migraine which is the equivalent of a rotten orange: smells and is overly fuzzy. So I'm at a crossroads: do I go with normal english or do I go with AP? Aaaagh, stupid choices.

Stress: I am FULL OF IT. I'm stressed about so many things its not even funny: applying to colleges (PSU in particular), getting my SAT's out of the way, getting a topic for my senior project, finding a permanent home for my big white koi, getting my KumoriCon cosplay done (that includes getting the wig volumized, letting out the jacket, etc), and a crapload of other stuff I can't even begin to think of yet! AGH. When will it all END?!

Blah. >< Not in the mood. Pissed.

-Z

Flugtag: I went to the Red Bull Flugtag. Yay. Its a happy note among all this emo-ness. I'll upload pictures and videos sometime. Blah.

Its been a while, so expect to have this post be a little bit long.

My Japan journal and pictures: Real easy, here's a link to my journal (next entry, under a cut), and here's a link to my pictures. I'm still putting captions on all of them, and forgive the blurryness, my camera was malfunctioning due to the humidity and heat.

Depression pills: As I said, I think, last time...I'm getting off of my depression meds. If I snap at anyone or just have real bad mood swings, please please PLEASE tell me. I need to record my moods so the doc can check whether I'm doing better or worse without the meds. Lately, I've been feeling extremely angry or short tempered. I don't know if its because I'm getting off of my meds, the stress of KumoriCon coming up, or otherwise, but I know I've been angry. Mom's told me so. @_@ But I really wonder why...

The Beach: I went to Seaside today! Had fun, flew a kite (it has a four inch wingspan!!), ate ice cream, and generally ahd a great time with the parents. Originally we were supposed to go for a meeting with our Bichon Frise club, but the event got cancelled. But we went to the beach anyway!

Koi concerns: My white koi, Ginkai, is getting too big and too violent to stay in his tank. So I'm trying to find a pond to put him in, where he'll be safe. ;o; I don't know what to do with him, although I want to keep him I just don't have the room in order to do so. What should I do (NO RECOMMENDATION ON KILLING)?

Cosplaying: AGH MY COSPLAY IS SO HARD. I need to fix my Sephiroth wig (the bangs aren't layered, so I need to figure out how to do that), and I need to let out my Sephiroth jacket, as its tight on the sleeves. But at least I saved my wig and almost restored it to pre-shipping conditions! =D It took three days, but I did it! YAI!

-Z

 Its been a while since I've posted...here's what's been going on so far.

The Japan Trip: I've been back for about two weeks now, but I haven't exactly had the time to do stuff. I'm inbetween typing up my Japan diary, sleeping, doctors appointments to get me off of my depression meds, and a plethora of other such things. Basically, I've been busy and feeling crappy, so thats why I haven't updated in what seems like forever. But I promise I'll get the Japan diary up sometime. I got all the pics uploaded onto photobucket though. Click here to take a look at them.

Depression meds: I'm going off of them to see whether I'm okay without them. I don't know whats gonna happen, but if you start seeing my mood change, make a note of it for me, okay? I'm keeping a log of this stuff because I may have to get back on it. Thanks all.

Jet lag: I has it. It sucks. I've been sleeping all day, staying up all night. @_@ Its soooooooo annoying. I'll be okay though. I'm starting to get out of it.

New vids on youtube: I'm attempting to make new AMV's for youtube, buuuuut...I'm having problems getting my cutscenes. If anyones nice enough, can someone sent me all of the KH I and II cutscenes? That would help me out a ton.

-Z

This'll be the last post I'll make before I go to Japan. So I'll be unable to post from Japan (unless Ellie wants to post for me, iunno. Ellie, if you read this, tell me whether you want to do that for me or not, either way its okay).

Going to Japan: Everything's set. I'm packed, and I have everything ready to go. No more preparations. Its kind of odd, really, how quickly I got packed. Last time I rushed, due to the fact the trip was the day after school. But this is better; I actually have time to pack this time, so its all great.

Taking care of my fish: Aaaaagh the white one (Ginkai) won't hold stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill! He has some wound on his tail and he won't let me look at it. Jesus H. Christ he's like a ten year old with a scraped knee! AGH! >< Such a frustration. Ah well...its understandable. I mean I wouldn't like it if someone were grabbing my foot either.

Life: I've noticed myself change. And I don't know why. I seem crankier and more prone to frustration...and I honestly don't know why. Its saddening me...but I can't figure out what's making me angrier? Is it just me getting older?

Disney movies: XD I really gotta stop watching them. I analyze them too closely. Today it dawned on me that almost all characters in Aladdin can be pegged as gay or lesbian! XD More gay though. Its hilarious! I'll explain my logic later. When I get back, perhaps.

-Z

1. Would you rather freeze or burn?
- Freeze, as you just become numb and go slowly. Its not too painful.

2. You've just finished your ice pop and you're throwing the wrapper in the bin when you find a picture of you cut up into pieces. What do you do? 
- Blink a bit, but ignore it. Unless it has a swastika on it. o_o

3. A man comes up to you and says, okay, I'm gonna kill you now. You get to choose how. 
- I'd choose a death from chemicals. Perhaps like euthanization.

4. You go back in time to any year that you haven't lived before. What year?
- The Victorian or Edwardian era (1850 - 1890's). I'd like to study the social structure back then, as well as the clothing. 

5. You're at a private school about two decades ago, and you're about to be beaten because you did something naughty. Would you want six with the trousers on or four with the trousers off? 
- @_@ Isn't it illegal to hit unborn children?

6. If you'd just killed someone, where would you hide their body? 
- I'd go all Sweeney Todd on their ass and feed it to dogs or something.

7. Would you rather be the ruler in hell or a slave in heaven? 
- Hm. Not sure. Perhaps a ruler in Hell...I don't conform easily, and therefore I'd make a crappy slave.

8. You've just died, and you're given the choice of reincarnation, being a spirit or going to heaven/hell, wherever you belong. 
- Hm. I'd probably be a spirit, wandering the earth. I may reincarnate though, as myself. My belief is that we are a broken record, once we die, we relive our life once again, the same experiences over and over. However, we change our lives very slightly each time we go through it. It kind of explains deja vu, as we do not remember the cycling of our life, but deja vu is the subconscious telling us we've seen this situation before.

9. You're stuck on a desert island. You take three things with you. What are they?
- I'd take a knife, batteries, and a music player. I'd just listen to music, and if I want to go back to civilization, I'll try and make a raft or something with the knife and vegitation. Iunno. 

10. Would you rather be stuck in a dull job but getting loads and loads of money or in a super duper dream job but getting hardly any money? 
- I'd rather be happy with what I'm doing than be unhappy.

11. If you found out the world was gonna end in seven days what would you do? 
- I'd let it end. There's not much one can do about it, is there?

12. You find out there is life on Mars. Do you go there? 
- Depends what kind of life we're talking about: is it bacterium or actual humanoids?

13. You're one of those super duper scientists and you find signals from some ickle aliens. They say, come to Neptune. It's not that cold, would you go there? Why? 
- Not sure. I'd probably go there out of curiousity.

14. A little green monster thing asks you for a hug, would you hug it? 
- Of course! <3

15. You're in prison. Would you think about trying to escape and running away? 
- Depends why I'm in prison. I probably deserve to be there. But I'd think about escaping, of course. Just not act on the thought.

16. Your life sucks. Would you consider running away and joining the circus? 
- XD Oh dear, I probably would. But what kind of freak am I? I'd probably be the freaky girl that talks with fish.

17. They've decided to cancel all TV programs apart from one, and they ask you which one they should keep. What do you choose? 
- Hmmmmmm. Not sure, I don't watch that much TV. I'd probably ask them to keep the CBS evening news.

18. They've decided to take away all food apart from one meal and you get to decide, which meal would you pick? 
- SUSHI!

19. You're stuck on a deserted island. Five people can go with you. Who would you pick? 
- I'd pick my mom, dad, my dog Chico, Tom, and Ellie. <3

20. You have to meet one TV star. Who is it? 
- Alan Rickman? <3

21. You win a screen kiss with which ever TV star you want. Who do you pick? 
- XD Tough choice...either Johnny Depp or Alan Rickman.

22. Would you ever commit suicide and in what situation?
- I don't know. I'd probably do so in the situation I become paralyzed and become unable to walk. I'd ask for my death then. 

23. You have to kill someone. You have to pick how you do it and what you do about it? 
- Hmmm...I'd probably use chemicals to do so.

24. Would you kill someone who killed a member of your family or a friend? 
- I don't know. Maybe.

25. What is the most frequent dream you've had, or a subject of a dream, like being chased or something? 
- I have dreams almost every night that something bad happens to my fish or my dog. I'm not too sure what it means.

26. You're getting married! Where’s your honeymoon?
- Hm..not sure. I'd like Japan. <3