I · remember · when · the · days · were · long

Maybe no one realizes that they are continuously flaunting their freedom, but they are. I have to depend on others to go places; this is no fault of my own. All of my savings for the car went to my dad's poorly-planned building project. 

Are we working to live and die in American cities?
And living to work and die in American cities?
And dying for what we worked?

The day I was called out of class, out of the blue- I thought someone was in the hospital or something. No, he just needed everything in my savings account without any prior warning. Years of birthdays, Christmases, countless droning hours spent in the parish offices... gone in a matter of minutes. Thousands of dollars. Screaming, he asked why it was that I walked out of the bank as soon as I was done signing what I was told to. He shouted that I was being ridiculous, that I would have it all back within two weeks.

Which is all well and good, considering the fact that it's now been over a year and I've yet to see more than one hundred back.

Add this to the fact that the computer I am currently typing this on was supposed to be a graduation gift. No, that was all paid by a summer's work. Another couple thousand gone.

Conclusion: you can be landlocked even if you live a street away from the ocean.

So, what exactly does that mean? Opportunities dangle everywhere, fishing lures that twist and spin inches below the surface. They're flashy, they're appealing, they're always too good to be true because somebody will come along and yank it up just as the hook sets in to the roof of your mouth. I've been tasting blood for far too long without any results.

When you have a way out, any activity is a "just"... "just" a show, "just" a trip, "just" an escape. When you don't, it's oxygen. I can't believe that people who know for a fact that this is actually what I live for most of the time will just as readily jerk that pole above the water. Hook, line, and sinker, the fish writhes suspended in the air and starts to choke.

Does that make any sense?

I feel full like in fiction, not for the first time.
I feel the pull of the cold air proving that this breath is mine.
All the evidence suggests that I made it out alive, and it took me until now to realize how much of the world feels too beautiful to be real.

Because sometimes I feel so full of love that my heart fills like a paper cup and I fear it might explode inside my chest.
But if it spills and leaves me dry- don't mourn me, love, or question why.
Just pray that someday, you will be this blessed.
How strange is it to think that we're staring at the same stretch of sky?
With every night that passes by, the trains drive west.

The morning after, I can feel the ice gathering under my heel, where every path exists only if you make it so.
Nothing else to follow but my heart as I start to wonder why, in the perfect purity of white, I am walking alone.
Twelve miles down the road, you're singing in the window, and if you strained to hear, you'd find me in harmony.
Did you realize that you brought the snow to this tired town? I am so far beyond belief.

You were the only one who understood and so you'll be the only one to know.
It came as a relief when we touched, when we spoke.
And oh, how good it feels to be with you after deciding not to go.

Oh, how grateful I am now that we didn't go.

And your smile is the only truth, like birds flying into the light.
So I'll just stare at my shoes rooting me to the ground, and though I could hardly meet your eyes, your voice- it sounds so much like home.

And if I stand here any longer, I think I'll stay frozen forever.

Bruises. You've only found one so far, and this is a shocking reality. There is a tightness that burns down to the muscle, an ever-present ache waiting patiently for the right time to spring into cutaneous release. Within days, your skin will become a field of violets and bluebells blooming from broken blood vessels. Like those petals, the colors will fade and turn sickening yellow and brown.The plains of your shape will be left to rot, marking you 'damaged goods'. Time will pass, though, and you will heal. One night, you won't need to spend hours waiting for a morphine dream. You won't even remember what it feels like. The road to sleep will not be pitted by this tiny, silent epidermal war.

So sit up instead. Your friends are still asleep. The achieved this Nirvana without the obstacles, and it's hard not to smile at such serenity. A mild sort of light inches rather hesitantly through a gap in the blinds. Their forms are barely illuminated, mere slivers of silver in the grey world of constant near-morning. Hours drip like water from a faucet- slow, systematic, slipping past to some unseen rhythm. You have no choice but to watch them fall.

You reach for some pills for the nervous stomach that has joined in the corporeal mutiny, and the stretch stings. You're not one to dwell, though, or at least you're trying hard not to become one who does. Instead, you think about the millions of others lying in beds, standing in kitchens, going to the grocery store with their sleeves pushed down. They hurt, like you, but they have been damaged so much more. The bruises that they wait to bloom are from anger, frustration, cowardice. Yours are from love, from brotherhood. You'll stop your complaints now to carry this cross for them. So you'll pray that this pain will at least attempt to take the place of theirs, if only for an hour.

As you grit your teeth to reach, the grimace changes into a smile as you think back to two nights before- when more than the warm air and crowd took your breath away. "Sure, it's not the most conventional means of showing it," you think to yourself where the bruises are just beginning to show. "But this is definitely, strangely, wonderfully love."

10 Bands you've been listening a lot to lately:
1. Against Me!
2. World/Inferno Friendship Society
3. The Bouncing Souls
4. Saves the Day
5. Aloha
6. MxPx (nostalgia)
7. Something Corporate (again, nostalgia)
8. Thursday
9. Copeland
10. Evan Greer

9 Things you look forward to:
1. Winter break
2. Christmas, and seeing everyone again
3. Stone Pony show
4. Roadie-ing for Saves the Day, and hopefully giving them this drawing that is just beginning to come into fruition
5. Getting better
6. Futurama DVD!
7. We're Never Going Home DVD!
8. An end to stress.
9. Working on songs

8 Things you like to wear:
1. Claddagh ring
2. ...contacts
3. Thrice sweatshirt that very well may never be washed again
4. Eyeliner
5. Skirts
6. ...underwear
7. Boots
8. Thermals, though I don't own any

7 Things that bother you:
1. Ignorance
2. Apathy
3. Being too quick in judgments
4. Distance
5. Stasis
6. Time constraints
7. Choosing the wrong show... ugh, New York got We Laugh at Danger AND Warren crowdsurfed!

6 Things you say most days:
1. "CLEARLY/BASICALLY."
2. Some sort of lyric
3. "I was going to say something, but I forget what."
4. "Awesome."
5. "Dude. The Souls are playing THREE NIGHTS. Dude."
6. Something involving whatever numerical fixation I have at the time (example: currently 15)

5 Things you do everyday:
1. Reflect
2. Do work
3. Walk
4. Sing
5. Write

4 People you want to spend more time with:
1. A select group of friends
2. A select number of family members
3. Pretty much every band ever.
4. ...Tiny? hahah

3 Movies you could watch over and over again:
1. Life Aquatic
2. Zoolander
3. Amelie

2 Of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. Eight Full Hours of Sleep - Against Me! (though Tonight We're Gonna Give It 35% comes very close)
2. Colleen - Ted Leo RX

1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. I don't think I could answer that.

NUMBER OF:
- height: in the vicinity of 5'11"
- shoe size: 11
- hair color: black-brown with light broooown streeeaks
- siblings: two

LAST:
- movie you rented: Personally, none. Last time I rented one with someone, I think it was with Kevin.
- movie you bought: Little Miss Sunshine
- song you listened to: - Not What It Seems - SoCo
song that was stuck in your head: Weekend - Aloha
- person you've called: Sara
- person that's called you: Sara
- show you've watched: Family Guy
- person you were thinking of: Andrew McMahon, actually. What with the whole documentary and all.

DO:
- you have a crush on someone: No, nothing tangible.
- you wish you could live somewhere else: I don't think I will ever answer this question with a 'no'.
- you believe in online dating: Not through any service.
-others find you attractive: I sometimes think they may, but usually not.
- you want more piercings: I consider it sometimes.
- you like cleaning: Only in certain, extremely rare moods.
-you write in cursive or print: I miss cursive. And Cursive, actually.

FAVORITE:
- food: Thai
- thing to do: Tossup between going to shows and writing music
- thing to talk about: Everything from the depths of philosophy to the flippancy of day-to-day
- drinks: Nakes Juice is really growing on me.
- clothes: most are from the extensive band shirt collection, though certain articles (like the dark blue flowered jeans) receive much love
- movies: I believe this was handled.
- holiday: Christmas.

HAVE YOU:
- ever cried over a girl: yes
- ever cried over a boy: yes
- ever been in a fist fight: technically
- ever been arrested: they'll never catch me

WHAT
- shampoo do you use: I like to mix it up, though John Freida holds a special place in my heart.
- are you scared of: Not attaining it. Not living enough. The time in between.
- number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: I can never really tell.
- number of people I consider my enemies: no one

FAVORITE:
- disney movie: Quack.
- word: Look for ones repeated in poems and lyrics. I think 'mercurial' and 'plaintive' are in the top 5.
- nickname: Umm... Killer. Of course.
- eye color: There's beauty in all.
- flower: Lily.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE:
- pretty: I felt so ugly before, I didn't know what to do.
- funny: I share a sense of humor with myself, so yes, I often do.
- hot: I'm actually quite temperate right now, thanks.
- friendly: I try being as open as I can.
- amusing: That's all up to you.
- ugly: We are ugly, but we have the music.
- lovable: How would I know?
- sweet: I don't know how to answer these questions.
- dorky: That term loses any meaning after, say, sophomore year.

DESCRIBE YOUR:
[ x ] Wallet – copper pleather with pink polka-dotted interior
[ x ] Jewelry worn daily – claddagh and blue/white
[ x ] Pillow cover – green striped
[ x ] Underwear - white
[ x ] Favorite shirt – Currently, black with yellow shield symbol and Eternal Cowboy with lightning bolt.
[ x ] Perfume/cologne - whatever scent that was in my dream
[ x ] CD in stereo right now - This one I believe is empty, but the condo's has the Water disc.
[ x ] What you are wearing now – Bright Eyes PJ shirt from Sara, black and red plaid pants, socks
[ x ] In my mouth – tongue, teeth, the holders from my braces, and those wisdom teeth which simply must go
[ x ] In my head – Animal - AM!, how I should work on this drawing in the dark, sleep
[ x ] Wishing – yes, that.
[ x ] After this – I should draw some more.
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - A bunch.
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month- Saves the Day/Liam and Me?/Bouncing Souls and World Inferno/an end to the anxiety.
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood – BEBER LA SANGRE!
[ x ] Do you believe in love - When I'm not dueling with logical explanations, yes.
[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven – Yes.
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - Something involving juggling, apparently.
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be - A koala, hahah.
[ x ] What's your favorite coin – RUBLES.

Another hour lost to this incessant begging
consciousness.
The chance for cleansing emptiness wanes,
a setting sun.
So we come and go, we scatter like seeds
and we hope to grow.
We light cities streets to guide ourselves home.
We weave nets to capture the concept of
comfort, of company.
We define ourselves by shifts and schedules, trying to reason with
a big void.
As the second hand scrapes by to
remind us of our failings, while we
barter to define ourselves, can you tell me
where I find the
meaning left for me?

But for now...

If You Really Love Me, You Would Buy (insert one of the below items) and Be A Gratuitous Spender! A Comprehensive Birthday List of Items No One Can Afford as a Mere Present, Especially Not Me:
1.

Dustin Kensrue's very own guitar! COST: over $1,500 and counting.

2.
Tom Gabel COST: 1/4 of Sire Records' worth (the rest being his fellow bandmates)

3.
Alessandro Cortini  COST: 200.000 Euros worth of Casios and moogs.

4.
A camera with an excessive amount of megapixels, such as this lovely 10.1 mp Samsung! COST: This one's $279.99

5.
Macbeth's Vegan Eliots  COST: Hunter Burgan's ingenuity, and the awkwardness of buying men's shoes, plus a down payment of [unlisted sum]

6.
Jeanine Payer bracelet: "For as long as it lasts let the singer be the song. For as much as it's worth let the truth outweigh the lies. For this single moment in time let my own voice be heard."  COST: $190.00, plus one humongous thank-you hug. 

7.
PNut Jewelry Rose Heart  COST: $96, sans chain, plus sentimental value (at no extra charge)

8.
A real mic-stand! COST: This one actually saves you money- you will not have to pay for flowers or gifts when I go to the hospital for the spider bites I receive from our current 'mic-stand', which is the cheap mic attached to an old broom via tape and a rubber band. Classy.

9.
Figure 8 (Import edition): I am holding off on buying the album for this one. So much extra money for two readily-available tracks, but regardless, worth it. COST: $42.99 and processing fees for elitist status.

10.
Beck Sketchel Bag : Sure, my messenger bag has been everywhere, but this one is just so much cooler. Plus probably not produced in the cheap labor camps of Nikeville (my current bag's ONLY WEAKNESS!). COST: $90.00 and eternal thanks.

Back to world of editing I go!