omne trinum est perfectum

Oh yes it's been forever once again. Anyways, I just had to express how tonight's episode of Smallville broke my heart. I missed the first half of it because I'm a dumbass and forgot and watched The Office instead. But the end was where Lana was going to break off the wedding and Clark was ready to propose to her but then Lex's dad finds out and threatens Clark's life if she doesn't go through with it. And so guess what, she goes through with it. Now, I know it's just a tv show, but it has quickly become a show that I adore and so I take it personally when Clark gets his feelings hurt. Fuck Lana. I don't care if she's upset or scared or whatever, I care that Clark was crushed. Stupid bitch. Superman coulda fought off the Luthors but I guess now SHE'S protecting HIM. Oooooooooohhhhhhhh.

I don't really have a good topic or any specific thing to write about. I get home from work and I just can't focus on anything. It's hard to describe. Probably means I should write more which is why I am writing this very post! I am getting my hair cut on Friday at Nashville stylist #2. The first person I was referred to didn't do an awesome job and the normal price for haircuts from her is $50. Fucking absolutely RIDICULOUS. Especially when she didn't really do any sort of great job. I am hoping this next experience is better. I hate having to put my hair at the mercy of someone else. I was so used to being in control of how my hair looked when I had dreads. I took it upon myself only to make it look better or change it or whatever. I am hoping I can find someone who just cuts my hair in a cool way. Because I'm not great at necessarily describing what I want. I would like someone to just take one look at me and think, "oooh Praaahh-ject!" Have a field day, knock yourself out! Because that's how it is when I really want to do something and feel capable of it. There are multiple jobs I have thought I would love to have throughout the course of my life and hairstylist is one of them. Here is a list of some occupations and my reasoning for wanting to do them:

Astronaut- Uh going into space is only the coolest thing ever. Duh.. Plus Sally Ride and Christa McAuliffe were a big deal when I was starting to become more aware of the world-at-large growing up.

Horse Jockey- Perhaps the love of piggy-back rides when i was younger spurred this desire. Plus I went through a pretty long obsessed-with-horses phase.

Hairdresser- I love to cut things with scissors. I was an expert at french braiding and just about any kind of braid when I was in middle school. I could do them on others and on myself.

Orthodontist- Perfectionism. The instruments they used also made a neat clicky sound.

Reiki healer- How cool would it be to be able to heal people with your hands? I think I'm a pretty intuitive person to begin with and this could only help me hone those skills and use them in a job-ish way. I know a lot of people probably think Reiki is just some New Age bullshit, but I don't think so.

High school teacher- Because the best teachers I had were in high school and they really made a difference in my life.

Cross-country/Track coach- There's so many things about those sports that I love, and I grew up with running. I guess this way it would be like reliving that experience through younger people. Like how people say it is when they have kids of their own. And being a coach seems like it would be so challenging and rewarding.

Oh seriously, I've thought I've wanted to be sooo many different things. All through college I kept changing my mind, though I only changed majors a couple times. I just seem to keep doing Biology stuff. I also have always made art. I just am always searching inside myself and trying to make sure that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I always question things. I know it's a good thing, but it can get hard to balance out as well. To be able to just sit back and......not question things. Ehh fuck I don't even know what I'm talking about. Though it is something I am usually thinking about, one way or the other. I'll find a way to integrate it happily and comfortable into my thinkng patterns someday. I should just be glad that I'm not one of those people who doesn't think and question and strive to always be moving forward. I'm writing myself into a corner. I'm gonna stop.

Okay, all you girls out there, how awesome is this?! I only had like two My LIttle Ponies. One of which swished its tailed around when you squeezed a certain part of its butt...err hindquarters. I think I also had one that was scratch and sniff or something. But all My Little Ponies had a wonderful perfume-y plastic smell to them.

Found on Dooce.com who found it on Electrolicious.com. Which, by the way, are both excellent blogs that I have been reading for years.

"With books a fully mature technology, the false pretenders arrived about twenty years ago with the first wave of "electronic books." As is usually the case, these false pretenders offered dramatic qualitative and quantitative benefits. CD-ROM or flash memory-based electronic books can provide the equivalent of thousands of books with powerful computer-based search and knowledge navigation features. With Web or CD-ROM and DVD-based encyclopedias, I can perform rapid word searches using extensive logic rules, something that is just not possible with the thirty-three-volume "book" version I possess. Electronic books can provide pictures that are animated and that respond to our input. Pages are not necessarily ordered sequentially but can be explored along more intuitive connections.

As with the phonograph record and the piano, this first generation of false pretenders was (and still is) missing an essential quality of the original, which in this case is the superb visual characteristics of paper and ink. Paper does not flicker, whereas the typical compter screen is displaying sixty or more fields per second. This is a problem because of an evolutionary adaptation of the primate visual system. We are able to see only a very small portion of the visual field with high resolution. This portion, imaged by the fovea in the retina, is focused on an area of about the size of a single word at twenty-two inches away. Outside of the fovea, we have very little resolution but exquisite sensitivity to changes in brightness, an ability that allowed our primitive forebears to quickly detect a predator that might be attacking. The constant flicker of a video graphics array (VGA) computer screen is detected by our eyes as motion and causes constant movement of the fovea. This substantially slows down reading speeds, which is one reason that reading on a screen is less pleasant than reading a printed book. This particular issue has been solved with flat-panel displays, which do not flicker.

Other crucial issues include contrast- a good-quality book has an ink-to-paper contrast of about 120:1; typical screens are perhaps half of that- and resolution. Print and illustrations in a book represent a resolution of about 600 to 1000 dots per inch (dpi), while computer screens are about one tenth of that.

The size and weight of computerized devices are approaching those of books, but the devices still are heavier than a paperback book. Paper books also do not run out of battery power.

Most important, there is the matter of the available software, by which I mean the enormous installed base of print books. Fifty thousand new print books are published each year in the United States, and millions of books are already in circulation. There are major efforts under way to scan and digitize print materials, but it will be a long time before the electronic databases have a comparable wealth of material. The biggest obstacle here is the understandable hesitation of publishers to make the electronic versions of their books available, given the devastating effect that illegal file sharing has had on the music-recording industry.

Solutions are emerging to each of these limitations. New inexpensive display technologies have contrast, resolution, lack of flicker, and viewing angle comparable to high-quality paper documents. Fuel-cell power for portable electronics is being introduced, which will keep electronic devices powered for hundreds of hours between fuel-cartridge changes. Portable electronic devices are elready comparable to the size and weight of a book. The primary issue is going to be finding secure means of making electronic information available. This is a fundamental concern for every level of our economy. Everything- including physical products, once nanotechnology-based manufacturing becomes a reality in about twenty years- is becoming information."

------Ray Kurzweil, "The Singularity is Near: When Humans Transcend Biology"

Somehow I had managed to go a whole month without writing in my handwritten journal. I blame it on the internet.

I continue to write on here even though I don't really know anybody on LJ and don't really have a desire to "find" anyone on here. I'm intrigued by the social mechanics behind websites like this and MySpace and others. There are actually academic papers out there about this topic. You can find them online through a simple Google search. I find it really interesting. But of course I would.

I guess at a root level, people just want to feel Seen. Validated. It's a human need. Some people are so weirded out about having an online presence. That's fine. I don't judge these things, but I do wish ERICA would get a MySpace page so I can pester her all the time through it. :)

I wonder if it would have been so great to be Alberto Giacometti. I often fantasize about what it would be like to live the way he did. He lived in Paris among other artists, writers, and philosophers. He would create art all day and then drink all night and have fun. He was a simple kinda guy. He smoked a trillion cigarettes a day and ate the same thing for breakfast every morning. Had the same sort of routine. He didn't deal with the money he made from his paintings. Of course it served he and his family well in times of need, but he was pretty much a discovered artist. An art broker courted him into letting him sell his stuff. Geez.

So now that I have a science job I wonder how and when the art part of the equation will fit in. Right now I am mainly an artist through organizing. Organizing shit at work. I honestly enjoy it. And I often wonder if there is a way for me to do this also for a living. A Professional Organizer. An Organizer to the Stars. haha.

Well I'm tired. And I guess..........I should go to bed soon.

The part of my brain reserved for political and cultural and historical awareness is piqueing again. I'm glad. So i can get a head start on the 08 election. Be knowledgeable and shit.

Took this Interpersonal Skills training through work this week. I feel it really was beneficial. One of the main points I took with me is that it's better to listen to and be interested in someone else's life/interests/what they have to say than try to interject yourself and whatever you want to say or get across. The thing is, it's difficult because it's human nature to want to talk about yourself. I've already tried experimenting with this, and it seems to me that sometimes it's hard to turn the tide on someone who keeps asking you about yourself.

what is that in her hand?



Gavin looks like a muskrat

Trying to decide what to do for the weekend. I am alone. Should I relish and let myself get comfortable in my aloneness or travel to go be with friends and familiy? What I think I'm going to do is compromise. I will clean up the apartment and do laundry, etc. this evening while relaxing, and then tomorrow travel to Knoxville. I feel the pull of having free access to what I need in order to wash my filthy car there at my parent's house. My tires are doing this weird wobble thing when I drive at high speeds. Maybe the problem isn't in the tires, it's in the steering or some other nether-car region.

I haven't experienced feeling alone like this in awhile. Jeff has been living with me for the last six weeks straight. And since he doesn't have a job yet and isn't in school yet he's pretty much always around when I'm not at work. I think back to when I lived in Johnson City by myself for three years. I seemed pretty well able to entertain myself for all that time. I think back and I'm like, "what did I do with my time?" I dunno.. I'm experiencing a mental block of sorts. Maybe I just need to get out and go do Stuff. Though I'm going to be smart and wait for rush hour to end. I'm not really looking forward to this. Jeff gets home in three days. *sigh*

"Science is just a tool, a way of understanding the natural world. We've got to get past this idea that science is a thing. It isn't a thing like religion is a thing or a political party is a thing. It's true that scientists have clubs. They have banners and meetings and they drink beer together. But science is just a method, a way of answering questions. It's a verb not a noun."


Do you call yourself an atheist?

"I prefer not to use the term. Although I guess I am an atheist. I just don't believe in God. I've always liked Thomas Huxley's term, "agnostic," by which he meant it's an unknowable, insoluble problem from a scientific point of view. By my personality, I'm comfortable with not having the answer to everything. I'm perfectly happy going through my day, thinking, I really wish I knew the answer to that but I don't. I have a very high tolerance for ambiguity. Most people get cognitively dissonant about having uncertainties and need to close that loop and have an answer."

What's your best answer for why there is no God?

"It's not why there is no God, it's why there's not compelling evidence to believe in God. That's a better way to put it. And from my perspective, it's just not there for me. With training in science, I have high standards of evidence. If you said God is real, and you sent your evidence to the journals Science or Nature for publication, you'd be laughed out of the room; you wouldn't get past the first reviewer.
On the other side, the best evidence that there probably isn't a God is that belief in God is so deeply culturally embedded. When you study world religions, it's obvious that, throughout time, all of these different people are making up their own stories about God. If you lived 1,000 years ago, hardly anybody would be a Christian. If you were born in India, you'd likely be a Hindu. What does that tell you? From a Christian perspective, it means we need to get more missionaries over there to tell them the truth! From an anthropological perspective, it's another case. Christians today might say, I don't believe in Zeus, that was a silly superstition. Yet for many people that was a real god.
So it turns out there are 10,000 gods and yet only one right one. That means we're all atheists on 9,999 gods. The only difference between me and the believers is I'm an atheist on one more god."

Why do we reach so hard for a divine force to explain life?

"The natural inclination in all humans is to posit a force, a spirit, outside of us. That tendency toward superstitious magical thinking is just built into our nature. What's more, it doesn't cost anything to have a false positive, to assume there's a force behind the lightning or a spirit in the rock. In the ancestral environment, when we evolved, we might think spinning around three times is going to bring rain. Well, once in a while it works and makes everybody happy. And it doesn't cost much to keep doing it. It doesn't take you out of the gene pool."

Stephen Meyer, one of the vice presidents of the Discovery Institute, says, "Contrary to media reports, intelligent design is not a religious-based idea but instead an evidence-based scientific theory." You write in "Why Darwin Matters" that the "veneer of science in ID theory is there purposefully to cover up the religious agenda." How do you know that?

"Because I asked them and they told me. I know these guys. I have debated Meyer at conferences and gone out to beers with William Dembski, another major I.D. theorist. They're all evangelical born-again Christians. They all believe in Christ as their savior. They believed it before they got into all this stuff. I've asked them that if the main tenets of intelligent design turned out to be false, would they then give up their belief in Christ? No, they say. And that's because they believe in Christ for reasons that have nothing to do with their theory."

They fit the science to match their beliefs?

"Yes, in my opinion, that's all they're doing."

What do you believe in?

"I believe in the indomitable human spirit and the amazing capacity we have for understanding the world; for love, joy and happiness. Science not only does not take away any of those things, it adds to the sum of human knowledge. When I look through my little telescope in my backyard at the planets, moon or Andromeda galaxy that is 2.9 million light-years away, I can enjoy the beauty of the night sky and appreciate it on an emotional level. Then I can think that the photons of light that are landing on my retina left 2.9 million years ago, when we were just barely bipedal hominids in Africa, and are just now arriving tonight. Boy, that's just awe-inspiring.
To me, that's what it means to be spiritual -- what makes your spine tingle. It's what gives you a sense of awe and wonder and transcendence. It doesn't matter to me if you call it God or the cosmos. We're all talking about the same thing, whether it's religious people or New Age spiritual people or Buddhists or scientists. We're all talking about having a sense of awe and wonder at something grander than ourselves."

For clothes. I just really don't. I react to shopping in much the same way I do when I imagine being a person who serves food to others in a restaurant or cooks food in a restaurant. It makes me feel vomitous and I have a strong aversion to it. I don't really know why. I suspect it's due to the way my brain is wired. Or maybe it's because in the formative years I was denied possession of "cool clothes" by my mother. I will never forget my utter despair at not being allowed to have Timberlands or jellies. The days before I was old enough to have a job and buy whatever I wanted. I will try to not deny my daughter these items if I have a daughter someday. Not saying I will spoil by any means, but I will be fair. If my mom only knew the amount of mental anguish I suffered maybe it would have made a difference, but I don't know.

I would like to own nice clothes but I want someone else to do most of the work for me. I am just hopeless. Probably why a lot of my clothes are hand me downs from my friends. I love it when that happens. I don't mind second hand clothes at all. I have also inherited a form of the Cheap Ass gene from my father and I know that contributes. I would much rather spend $30 on a good hardcover book than on a pair of jeans. Perhaps instead of lamenting I should try and embrace this quality. Eh but that's boring.

Some strange brain alarm has been going off in my head as well. At around the same time in the morning when I am at work doing the same task I all the sudden remember that I am excited to watch the upcoming U.S. Open on tv. As in the tennis U.S. Open. I just love it. I think it represents summer to me. Because my favorite is Wimbledon and that's at the beginning of the summer around my birthday and I have watched it since I was a kid every year. You would think I would also enjoy watching the French Open which is before Wimbledon, but I don't. And I have figured out why - it's a clay court tournament. Red clay. Not green grass. Red is not a pleasing color to me. It is dirt.

Sooo.... I can't express how glad I am that the library computers don't block me getting on websites like these.

I heard from a coworker that someone posted a real suicide note on their myspace. Okay. They were probably in high school. But why would you commit suicide? I just feel so bad for people like that. I have this book called The Noonday Demon that talks about depression from many points of view, is all scientific and thoughtful and stuff. I have only read maybe a fourth of it because when I got the book I wasn't depressed anymore and reading about depression just isn't something I like to do.

I remember when I was depressed I read Prozac Nation and it was awesome. You just want to know that no matter what awful circumstance you're going through, that someone else shares it in some way, that you're not alone. That's one of the worst feelings. That's why writing is so great. It's so valuable. It's something that you do and then months later if you read it it's like you're really getting more of an objective view of how you were at the time. And so I write more and more. Everyday with only a few exceptions.

Because I know that I forget my past sometimes. And when that happens you don't have a good frame of reference, and also it's reassuring to know that you've somehow managed to keep on existing for this long, and you'll probably continue to do so.

Like, I still can't fully comprehend how Jeff has come into my life. I looked back at so many journal entries I'd written throughout college not understanding why I couldn't meet someone like him. Just sort of writhing in a boy-wanting agony. I remember it, but I don't feel it anymore because I have him. And seriously, all the things that guys have ever done to me that made me shake my head in disbelief, he doesn't do. And I used to think, this is so simple, why can't someone be totally perfect for me and actually like me and I like them back? In reality, I guess it is a lot to ask for, but it's what we all continually strive for whether we want to or not. And I can't believe that I've found it. I've found him. It'll take me a lifetime to fully appreciate and understand him and I sooo look forward to it!

In the end, all we can do is be ourselves and dance around trying to figure things out. And keep hoping that our goals will come our way eventually.

I don't like the fruit

The color works sometimes

So I've been writing a sort of book. It's sort of in the spirit of blogging. I write short chapters that are about one little topic. Just a way to get me to write and not have it be too daunting a thing. It surprises me what I write though. I am NOT doing it online. Writing on here or anywhere else online is totally not the same thing. I thought maybe it would be, but it's not.

I think it's an endeavor to get to know myself better and to play. What more could I want? I'm still waiting to hear back from that job, but I've managed to get myself on a more chill frequency. (I say the gayest stuff but it's the way I think! haha)

Sometimes time moves slowly when you want it to. I like when it does that. It's been doing it this morning while I've been online. Yeah, writing online is totally not the same. Its such a muddled creative outlet. I don't even feel myself when I do it, but I still do it.

Makes sense, huh?

Maybe it won't end up being a downer, but these are the only type thoughts I am thinking.

Why can't I get a job? I have been trying for almost 5 months. And I guess they say it can take 6 months to find something, but I really didn't think it would take this long. I just don't understand.

Ho hum.
In the meantime, while I wait to hear back from a company I reallllly hope will hire me, I don't know what to do and have lost hope. These things have their peaks and valleys, and plus I have had such a nice time with Jeff being in town. I have gotten used to him being around and now he will leave today. My cat will come back to being in my care, ugh, I love her but it is just too much. (discovered she had a birth defect leaving her with incomplete eyelids and they had to do reconstructive surgery on them a couple weeks ago and she is still recovering and it is gross and sad) Oh God I hate days like this. Where I feel like I can't breathe, my throat is somewhat constricted and my lungs feel tight. I want this feeling to go away and I just want everything to go away and cease to exist.

So, I think, well, what CAN I do? I can breathe and not take on the weight of the world.
I can look at the people around me and try my best not to feel a million miles away.
I could reach out to somebody and maybe I will. Sometimes you just can't expect to do this all on your own.
Retrain my thinking and instead say to myself that I HAVE done everything right, at least the majority.
Quit thinking there is no rhyme or reason when there always is and I DO believe this.
Know that I am not alone and not a lesser person just because I have bad days.

There are other things in life than these things I choose to focus on.
There are other things in life than these things I choose to focus on.
There are other things in life than these things I choose to focus on.

Let me write about how it is storming here. I dreamt I got a job that required me to play a strategy game with pea sized colored pieces....and something about a bunch of cups in the trash including one glass that I know I own. Yeahhhh...

I was gonna go for a walk this morning but it's raining. Maybe I'll do something totally random and unexpected. Don't know what that would be, but I guess that's the whole point? Hmmmmmmm..........

.....................that's why that sound is the title of this post.

If I had time to waste, I would be here for awhile.

Ohhhhhh rant rant bitch bitch about being busy and having to work so much and run around and try to keep my head above water and keep a smile on my face and notice that all the sudden everything is leafy and GREEN!!!! I need to get out of here and continue on with my day of work. Work that made me dream about leaving work last night. Work that made me dream my boss appointed a guy from my 3rd grade class who was learning disabled to do my job. Huh, that's kinda ironic now that I write it.

Soooo I just wish I had more time to be online. That is all. So I could communicate more with people I want to communicate with. That is all. If only I had internet at my house. Dammit!! Whatever.

Hey,

I like cuss words. I wonder if I can cuss legally on these online type deals, but I don't care enough to research it or censor myself. People who put up pictures of themselves naked or in otherwise compromising positions just baffles me. Hey, I'm open-minded, it's cool, just not cool for me and I don't want to see that shit. I'm shyyyyyy...hehehe.

Like, I remember this one time I was talking to some dude who lived near me on some type of messaging program. It's been a couple years so I don't remember details. ANyways, I'm talking to this guy and he's telling me about his tattoos. I'm going along with it, sincerely interested in these tattoos he's describing. So he sends me some pics of various tattoos he has, and they're alright I guess. THEN he includes pictures of his penis. GOOD GOD! Fucking GROSS AS HELL! UGH! Like, WHAT?! And I know I am naive, but gimme a break. Did I ever even hint to this guy that I wanted to see pictures of anything other than his tattoos? (and no, he did not have any tattoos NEAR his junk) I don't even remember what I said to the guy, but he replied something like, "Oh, I thought you wanted to see it". What?!? Reminded me of something similar a guy who tried to rape me in my younger days of college said. Yeah.

Think that's enough for my first post in years....

<3 <3 <3

***

Tina

I finally got my nieces to stop tickling me/chanting for me to tickle them so that I can type.

I'm in Knoxville right now for Labor Day weekend. As a last minute thing, I caught a ride here from Ryan who was on his way to see his parents in Cleveland. And it's been nice. Otherwise I would have been stuck up in Johnson City twiddling my thumbs while the time eked by.

I decided to sit outside for ten minutes talking on the phone and warming up a little since it's a freezer in the house and what did I get? 8 mosquito bites on my legs.

Well, I thought I would write more since I haven't written in so long, but I'm being called to dinner and being taunted by my nieces so I'd better go.

I read this book called The Introvert Advantage. It's really been beneficial to me. Because "introvert" isn't a bad word and it doesn't mean you're shy or socially inept or any of those things. It just means you get energy in different ways. Like being out and around people drains me to no end. It doesn't mean I don't like people, though I used to confuse it with that. It's just that I don't have the energy to do a lot of it. I'm more of a thinker than a do-er. I have to take a lot of time out to rest and be by myself , which is what I'm trying to recognize and do more of now. Because I'm not so pleasant a person to deal with, from the perspective of myself or from others, when I'm tired. The book said that around 80% of the work is extroverted, but I wonder if it's more balanced than that. Because just like the values exhalted on shows like The Apprentice, a person that "gets out there and gets things done" is the ideal. I watched a show on Donald Trump and the show and everything and thought, "Man, I'm glad I'm not like that." Because I'm not. I get things done, but in a more quiet way. I don't like to draw attention to myself by being loud and out there, not that there's anything wrong with being that way. When I do try to do things like that I feel like an idiot. But it's a paradox because I do more subtle things to get attention. Maybe that's some of the reason I have tattoos and dreads. Hmmmmm..... You should value yourself for who you are and not what others think you should be. There's nothing wrong with being unique. Sometimes it's just hard to recognize that's it's a great thing.