Can't Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
torts1217's LiveJournal:
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| Thursday, December 7th, 2006 | | 10:05 pm |
| | Saturday, November 26th, 2005 | | 5:14 pm |
I'm strong, but then the tide pulls me under.
Sometimes I wonder who I am, what I am, where I am going in life. Just little things slowly pull at me, and they don't seem to matter to much, then in one sweeping instance it seems I am dragged underneath all these things fighting for air wondering which way is up and which way is down. I think I am analyzing things to much. I needed my Thanksgiving Break, it was amazing, and I really enjoyed seeing my parents. I'm out though. I have some homework I need to get done. | | Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 | | 4:53 am |
Why in the heck am I up? Alright, like the entry says I have no clue why I am up except for the fact I really need to get this lab report finished and looking pretty. It's almost done I only have to write the discussion and one last data table so I think it would be pretty safe to say that I can go to sleep, except now the damn printer wasn't working so I had to wait for paper to come, now my review sheet is being printed on pretty pink paper...lol...ok I really think it is time for me to go to sleeep, night all. Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Stuff some boys are playing in the computer lab | | Friday, November 4th, 2005 | | 7:19 pm |
A poem that conveys...maybe...
Ok this poem is kind of crappy but whatever, I needed to write it, and it needs to be read. Maybe.
I know I love you still,
I know this feeling won't subside.
I know there is still a hope,
that this love will survive.
I wonder though, if you feel the same,
or if you happen to just be playing a game.
I wonder if you are toying with my heart.
I wonder, and it is beginning to tear me apart.
Do you still love me...as I love you?
Is it all a lie? A source of amusement for you?
Because to me, this joke makes no sense, it leaves me cold.
I find no humor it is so old.
Stop the games, show me whether or not its a lie,
give me the abilities to find the truth inside. | | Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 | | 10:54 pm |
I don't know, maybe I'm at the end of my rope? Honestly, how much bullshit can one person take? When does one person reach the end of their tether, their rope as people like to call it? I feel used...just used. I don't know why I do, but I do. I don't know where I am going anymore, don't know what I feel. All I honestly feel is FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel an anger inside of me and I think that sooner or later if I don't find a slight release of all this pressure inside of me I'm going to explode into a nothingness and be...whatever. You know what, all I know is I'm angry, and I wasn't before, this day was going really fucking good and now it just seems to be fucked up. Just fuck it, fuck it right now, I don't give a shit! FUCK IT! Your regularly scheduled Nia will be back later in the week...maybe. Current Mood:  angryCurrent Music: The Angry Beating of My Brain in my Head | | 12:55 am |
| | Wednesday, October 5th, 2005 | | 11:36 pm |
Sometimes Enough Just Isn't Good Enough
Hmmm...I think I am hitting a depressed peirod again for some reason...School is almost at midterms, I have relatively good grades, I made the dance team and I have my life on track but I still feel... I don't know..I kind of feel like I am on autopilot. I am doing more rpging lately, getting more free time to myself...but sadly I don't really get to spend that much time with my friends or loved ones anymore...It's like I have all this time but whenever nobody else does. Maybe I'm just freaking over nothing...I'm also kind of freaking about all the people who are graduating this year...Almost all of my friends are graduating and I really am afraid of being left behind...Maybe that is stupid...I feel like I am being left behind...I hope it just remains a feeling though...that I don't actually get left behind... | | Friday, September 16th, 2005 | | 11:45 pm |
Life is like a box of...Nah...It really isn't. So, yeah, not much to write about, staying up at the college for the weekend, kind of sprained my back doing I don't know. It hurts though, bad, and I'm supposed to take advil every 6-8 hours. I'm way to clumsy for some reason. I'm taking a dance class...well I've already said that but I really do like this class. It keeps me in shape but I am starting to get that slightly chubby look people just happen to get before they slim down...so my tight jeans don't fit me right now. *tears* Lol, that is it for this entry though, now for some test results, I luv tests! Yay for tests!!!!  | You scored as Sailor Jupiter. You're just awesome. Powerful lightning attacks, strong-willed, and a great morale booster. You are very good at cooking and like the colour green.
Sailor Jupiter | | 92% | Sailor Uranus. | | 92% | Sailor Pluto | | 83% | Sailor Venus | | 75% | Sailor Neptune | | 67% | Sailor Mercury | | 67% | Sailor Mars | | 58% | Sailor Moon | | 58% | Sailor Chibi Moon | | 33% | Sailor Saturn | | 33% | </td>
Which Sailor Moon character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com |
Sailor Jupiter was my favorite character from the show! So happy!!! | | Thursday, September 15th, 2005 | | 11:40 am |
Le Sigh, Great, Now I Sound Like a Whiner So yeah, new school year has started...Going ok so far....Wrote something originally for this but it accidentally deleted...damn it. I seem to be floundering lately...Like I'm drowning underwater and each time before I lose my breath I'm able to come up out of the water and suck in some air before I die. It might stop me from dying but it is damn tiring.
Heard a new story, there were two frogs and both fell into these vats of butter, they both started kicking their legs as fast as they could to get out. Still, one eventually gave up, sank to the bottom and died. The other refused to give up and kept kicking their legs and the force from their kicks eventually turned the butter into cream. They hopped out and went on with their life. I wonder which frog I am like? Which one will I be like? Now I'm referring to myself as a frog....Yeah, I heard that in speech class though and I really liked it. It kind of struck a chord....
Right, well, too tired to write anymore....I think I am going to get me some sleep, I have a dance class in the morning and I definitly need to be cognizant for that.... Like Mother Theresa said, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I just sometimes wish he didn't trust me so much." That's it, I'm out. Peace. Current Mood: groggyCurrent Music: All Saints | | Friday, September 2nd, 2005 | | 8:45 pm |
I Don't Know What to Expect...I Don't Know How to...ehhhhh...something ( Read more... ) Right, so like the headline says, eh, sometimes I honestly have no clue what I am doing. I get confused and led astray really easy. Maybe it is a personal weakness...or something. So today is my Mom’s birthday!!!! Happy Birthday to Mommy!!! I’m so happy you were born, because without you, there would literally be no me! Lol. Wow, honestly how many short paragraphs am I going to put on this blog entry? I don’t know...well...let’s see....school has started again. Yep, much to my amusement and enjoyment school has started again. I really am doing well so far this semester, I haven’t been late to any of my classes and I am keeping up on my assignments! So YAY! GO NIA, GO NIA. Ahem...Oh yeah and thanks to one Joe for being the coolest guy ever and taking me to Starbucks to study, buying me a coffee and helping me with my homework! You are awesome! I just want to kiss you, hug you and squeeze you when you are cool like that! If you ever need to get away for Starbucks it will be my treat k? Things are different this school year, and I’m not just talking about the group, I’m talking about everything. They fixed up the cafeteria so now it has a bunch of those tall round tables, some couches, etc. and it looks really nice. A lot of people have been complaining about it but I think it looks really good. My classes seem like they are going to be good as well. I like all my teachers and I really have an optimistic outlook for this semester. Some of my “friends” don’t seem to want to hang out with me anymore but you know, maybe they didn’t change, maybe I did. It’s a good possibility that is what happened. So this entry is pretty much done, if I feel like typing more later I’ll update, k? Hang loose. Current Mood:  optimisticCurrent Music: The Dragon Chant "Escaflowne" | | Monday, August 8th, 2005 | | 8:57 pm |
Just a Bunch of Silly Testes, Lol, I mean Quizzes of Course Okay! Such a bad child! Took a lot of online quizzes today so I figured I would post results (well, some of them) here. Peace out!
Your Birthdate: December 17 |
Your birth on the 17th day of the month suggests that you are very lucky financially, because this date indicates a solid business sense.
Although you are probably very honest and ethical, this birthday enables you to be shrewd and successful in the world of business and commercial enterprise.
You have excellent organizational, managerial, and administrative capabilities enabling you to handle large projects and significant amounts of money with relative ease.
You are ambitious and highly goal-oriented, although you may be better at starting projects than you are at finishing them.
A sensitivity in your nature, often repressed below the surface of awareness, makes it hard to give or receive affection. |
| Your Mood Ring is Yellow | 
Imaginative
Wondering
Thoughts
Peaceful |
| Your Hidden Talent |  You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices. |
| Your Hidden Talent | You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.
And while this may not seem big, it can be.
It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.
You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices. |
| Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating | 
You're not ready to go walking down the aisle.
But you may be ready in a couple of years.
You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment.
And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility. |
You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.
For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |
| NIAILLENETRAVERS |
| N |
is for |
Naughty |
| I |
is for |
Impassioned |
| A |
is for |
Amazing |
| I |
is for |
Influential |
| L |
is for |
Loud |
| L |
is for |
Loud |
| E |
is for |
Energetic |
| N |
is for |
Nutty |
| E |
is for |
Expressive |
| T |
is for |
Timeless |
| R |
is for |
Radiant |
| A |
is for |
Alert |
| V |
is for |
Virginal |
| E |
is for |
Elitist |
| R |
is for |
Radiant |
| S |
is for |
Silky |
| You are a Believer | 
You believe in God and your chosen religion.
Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..
Your convictions are strong and unwavering.
You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone. |
| Your Power Color Is Lime Green | 
At Your Highest:
You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.
At Your Lowest:
You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.
In Love:
You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.
How You're Attractive:
Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.
Your Eternal Question:
"What else do I need in my life?" |
What You Really Think Of Your Friends
|
Myself is your soulmate. |
| You truly love Bernice. |
| You consider Karissa your true friend. |
| You know that Sammy is always thinking of you. |
| You'll remember Jake for the rest of your life. |
| You secretly think Joe is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times. |
| You secretly think that Ahmad is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker. |
| You secretly think that Toni is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Toni changes lovers faster than underwear. |
| You secretly think Shasta is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Shasta has a hidden internet romance. |
What Your Dreams Mean... |
Your dreams seem to show that you're very preoccupied with your fears and problems.
These bad dreams indicate that you need to spend more time on your issues during the day.
Overall, you are very content in your life.
Your dreams tend to reflect your insecurities.
You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.
You secretly want to hide your dreams from your waking mind.
|
Your True Birth Month Is April |
Hasty
Moving
Consoling
Emotional
Aggressive
Diplomatic
Revengeful
Adventurous
Good memory
Loves attention
Strong mentality
Loving and caring
Brave and fearless
Active and dynamic
Suave and generous
Easily get too jealous
Decisive but tends to regret
Motivates oneself and the others
Attractive and affectionate to oneself
Friendly and solves people's problems
Prone to sickness usually of the head and chest
|
Your Life Path Number Is 7 |
7
You are a peaceful and affectionate soul... and by nature rather reserved and analytical.
The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking that is shown.
You will garner knowledge from practically every source that you find.
Intellectual, scientific and studious, you don't accept a premise until you have dissected the subject and arrived at you own independent conclusion.
This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your own inner thoughts and dreams.
You dislike crowds, noise and confusion.
You are very thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who expects everyone else to be a meet a high standard of performance, too.
You evaluate situations very quickly and with amazing accuracy.
You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting advice from someone.
Your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing this, you are one who tends to follow the directions they seem to guide.
It's easy for you to detect deception and recognize insincere people.
You aren't one to have a wide circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life.
You really aren't a very social person, and your reserve is often taken to be aloofness.
You actually like being alone, away from the hustle and bustle of modern life.
In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the pace of life was less hectic.
In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic, lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive.
A Life Path 7 individual who is not living life fully and gaining through experiences.
A negative 7 is a hard person to live with because of a serious lack of consideration.
The negative 7 is very selfish and spoiled.
If you have any of the negative traits they are very difficult to get rid of.
At your worst, you feel that the world really does owe you something - or in some way you aren't being fairly treated.
Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some mitigating positive traits.
This number is one that seems to have some major shifts from highs to lows.
Stability in feelings may be elusive for you.
|
You Are Somewhat Honest |
You do tend to tell the truth a lot
But you also stretch the truth on occasion
You figure a little lie isn't a big deal
As long as it doesn't hurt anyone too much! |
You Are As Cool As They Come |
(You are more dramatic than 20% of the population.)
Rational and relaxed, no one could accuse you of being dramatic.
You roll with the punches, and nothing ever gets you too worked up.
You are able to maintain perspective and see the big picture.
And even if you're emotional inside, you don't let it show.
You're great at keeping it together, and you're rewarded for that.
People see you as an ideal friend, employee, and partner. |
You Are a Prophet Soul |
You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.
You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul | Current Mood: goodCurrent Music: "Addicted" Kelly Clarkson | | Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005 | | 11:50 pm |
Summer Reading, Summer's End So...let's see, summer has been really hectic, dramatic, traumatizing. I think I have cried way too many times to count, lost about twenty pounds and screwed over my sleep schedule once more. I have felt like I have been on an emotional roller coaster and it would be preferable to get off before I end up puking all over the ride. Though I have to admit seeing the faces of those around me who got caught in the spray would be amusing. O.O Ok, right, off that disturbing visual. So, I am reading this book titled, "The Crimson Petal and the White," it's about a 19 year old prostitue named Sugar's descent through the social scale in Victorian London. It's really amusing. There is a poem in there I like it's by J.H. Gray and it's called "The Girls that are Wanted" It goes like this, The girls that are wanted are good girls Good from the heart to the lips Pure as the lily is white and pure From its heart to its sweet leaf tips. The girls that are wanted are girls with hearts They are wanted for mothers and wives Wanted to cradle in loving arms The strongest and frailest lives. The clever, the witty, the brilliant girl There are few who can understand But, oh! For the wise, loving home girls There's a constant, steady demand. Yeah, it's a happy poem isn't it. Well guess that is it. Kind of a short entry but hey, give me a break, at least I wrote something after what seems like forever. Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: "Addicted" by Kelly Clarkson | | Thursday, June 16th, 2005 | | 9:30 pm |
The System has Screwed Me For this summer I have once more taken up my job of working at United Artists Denver West, can we strike up the yays? Not really, my job is ok but I think they are seriously screwing me on taxes. I worked like 60 hours and I get paid 6 dollars an hour (and yes I know about taxes but still), I only got paid 260 dollars! Can we say I got screwed? I GOT FUCKED WITH A SPOON SIDEWAYS!!! Ahem, alright off that little rant. Life has been treating me pretty well, commented on some guys sweet little panda hat yesterday and he promptly invited me to a movie. It was weird, I told him no thank you and ran with my butter and popcorn into Mr. and Mrs. Smith (which was a cool movie by the way!!!) Guess that is it though, short update on my part, can't really think right now to write to much, Ciao. Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: "Don't Phunk With My Heart" Black Eyed Peas | | Friday, May 27th, 2005 | | 2:45 pm |
Kissing in the Rain So a couple of days ago it was raining here in Lakewood, and I don't mean the huge downpour of rain that is freezing cold, though that would have been cool. I mean the kind where it starts out slow at first, while the sun is still shining and the water droplets as they hit your skin are warm, almost like somebody is crying and it is dropping down from the skies. The rain began to fall harder but get this, the water remained warm. As I looked at this rain falling down the weirdest thought came to mind, "I want to kiss somebody in the rain, I want someone to play with me while it falls." It was then followed by a, "No, I want to kiss Joe in the rain. I want Joe to run with me while the rain falls" With this thought a warm flush came over my body and it felt like I was glowing from the inside out. It was one of those seldom perfect moments that people receive in their life but for some reason God chose to let me be one of the lucky ones and be able to hold that perfect moment inside of my heart for the rest of my life. I remembered lifting my face up to the rain as it slid down my face, as it carressed my arms, my entire body and just laughing joyfully. It was like I was a little kid again playing in the rain puddles, something I rarely do anymore and I realized that if I ever got a chance and Joe was up to it then I would definently want to play in the rain with him. Especially if it was a downpour like the kind it was a couple of days ago. I still can't believe that I had those sort of thoughts though. Not that I am embarassed I thought them, I have no regrets about it, just that I could feel so free to think something like that. It was like a part of me was shifted back into place, the part of my soul that was both child and woman at once, the piece that combines the two different aspects of my persona into one whole person. Now I realize I can both play in the rain and kiss someone if I want to, it's up to me. Just because I am older doesn't mean I have to give up childish things, I just have to keep them well protected. I have to remember the courage of my childhood, when I never experienced fear, when I didn't know what fear was and state my opinion, I have to tell certain people what I think and feel and yes, I still have to see if Joe wants to kiss me in the rain. Current Mood: gratefulCurrent Music: Rain Drops on the Window Pane | | Thursday, May 5th, 2005 | | 2:40 pm |
It's the End of the Year.... So it's the end of the semester, schools all done, all my finals are completed. Yay! Kind of feeling blah right now because I got sick though. Which, really, really sucks by the way. Joe left for the Springs yesterday, today he is helping his mom paint the trim around their old house and then they finally get to put it on the market. I feel kind of bad for him because I know he loves that place, he grew up there, his mom barely got a new house when he moved to college his freshman year, I think I would probably feel the same way as well if I was him. I miss him and that makes me a total dork. It has barely been one day and I already miss him which makes me wonder how pathetic I really am. Lol. Wondering how our relationship is going to work out over the summer, wondering how it is going to work during the first month because our schedules will be so hectic! God will provide though. Last night I actually went to bed somewhat early for a change. Well, it was at one in the morning but that is still early for me! Happy it is summer because I get to see my best friend Karissa! Yay! ^^ Also, I get to see my parents! Doing so much packing this summer it isn't even funny. I told Karissa that if my parents and I actually move into a house like I think we are going to that she has to help me move. She said ok then replied that she and her mom are moving this summer so I have to help them move! Lol! We both finally get houses like we always wanted! ^ ^ I have to help her pick out things for her dorm room this summer and both of us are planning on hanging out a lot since our schedules have freed up. We were joking last night and now I somehow have to tell Joe that Karissa wants to meet him but only if I get to meet his best friend. How do I get myself into these things? Really, in all honesty, do I just sort of fall into things like this? Oh well, guess that is it. Nothing really to write about just happy it is summer! Current Mood:  bouncyCurrent Music: Schools out for the Summer (And yes that is a song) | | Sunday, May 1st, 2005 | | 11:08 pm |
Right....and So Embarrasment Kicks In.... Yeah...completely and utterly like the subject line says...way embarrassed right now and definently wanting to hide my face in something...Joe and I were...for lack of a better word...making out and Marcus walked in...not to mention that right before Marcus walked in I had completely and utterly embarassed myself in front of Joe...Wow, talk about a bright ending to a happy day! o.O Went to see Taking Back Sunday and Jimmy Eat World last night...That was ok except for the part when I got dragged into the mosh pit and trampled by a bunch of stupid teenagers. Tried to get up and some guy pushed me back down again then this complete and utter bitch decided it would be fun to jump on me since I obviously didn't exist. I started screaming and Justin (a.k.a Tom Green) came to my rescue and pushed everyone off of me. He stayed next to me during the rest of my time in the mosh pit and I finally got tired of people pushing me so I started pushing back, especially after two people landed on my head. Some big football player tried to drag me away from the group so after telling him,"Get the fuck off me!" Twice! Did I finally get tired of it, push and punch him in the gut and scream at the top of my lungs, "I said to get the fuck off of me!" Yeah, rest of the concert went ok, left early because someone was smoking weed then went down to John's place and ate some of Ahmad's chicken, which was really good by the way. He backed it with a mixture of hot sauce, beer, salt, pepper and garlic and the result was really, really good. Wish I could of eaten more. Went and ate some sausage pizza at Joe's room then left so he could study and I fell asleep after watching some episodes of South Park. All in all the day was pretty ok. Today went to Jordan's and say the new episodes of The Simpson's and Family Guy. Then saw the season premiere to American Dad, all were funny and made me smile which was nice. Short little update though, not much to talk about, have no finals tomorrow so it is like I have a 3 day weekend which is nice! Guess that's it for this entry though. Current Mood:  embarrassed | | Thursday, April 28th, 2005 | | 11:33 am |
Just Because Something is Bright Doesn't Mean it Can't Be Dark Ok, so I went for a change of scenery on my livejournal, why? Just because I wanted to. Finally got my background to work the way I wanted, made me extremely happy. Kind of stressed out because it is the end of the year and will be taking finals soon, saying bye to my friends and also to Joe. Joe, hmmm...now there is a subject that I could talk about all day. Lol, not really but it would be interesting to try except for the fact I am not psychotic. Lately I feel really dark, and by dark I don't mean depressed I just mean...dark. I can be happy and bright but it doesn't mean I'm so stupid I don't understand what is going on around me. If I seem out of it...it probably is because I am! Lol. No, lately a lot has been on my mind and I can't seem to get it out. My stomach has been hurting lately which means I am obviously stressed...I just need a break. That would be nice. Hopefully I do well on my finals but I really need to study for them! Kind of a short little entry but what can I say? I don't need to explain myself, maybe I wanted just to write a meaningless entry. There is that dark thing coming into play again. Now do you understand what I mean? Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Weird background music on a website | | Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 | | 7:39 pm |
Hmmmmmmmm OMG! It's almost the end of the school year?! Where did the time go?! Can I have it back? That would be cool, don't want to deal with summer yet because my summer is going to be so busy! Cool thing going on this summer though! I'm moving! Yay! I finally get a house and backyard and a dog! : ) Sorry, have wanted a house since I was little so getting one really makes this summer great! My friend Toni says that she is getting married this summer and if it all works out I can be a bridesmaid. Sweet! Oh yeah, I also have to work at the place of horror and doom this summer, the movie theater. Yuck, only good thing about working there is the people and the fact that I get free movie tickets. Gave up 3 years of my life to that place, now I get to give up another 4 months. Ewwwwwwww....Oh yeah, I get to see Karissa this summer! Yay!!!!!!! She doesn't have to deal with Color Guard either so her and I are going clubbing almost all summer! Yay for both of us being 18 and going out! God, her and mine's 21st birthday is going to be psychotic. On mine I will be gone, wasted off my butt, don't want it to happen but I know it probably is going too. (Oh yeah, note to self, Joe is not allowed to drive me home on my 21st b-day, lol.) On Karissa's b-day, yeah, that girl is going to go have fun at a strip club with me, Mom, if you are reading this, you know it is going to happen, hell, you might even be there with us! Lol. Going to a concert in two weeks! Going to see Taking Back Sunday and Jimmy Eat World (at least I think the second is one of the bands) Well guess that is it, just wanted to update! Current Mood:  HyperCurrent Music: "I Like Big Butts" Sir Mix-A-Lot | | Thursday, April 14th, 2005 | | 7:14 pm |
Little White Lies Alright, it's official, you a)go to college to become stupid and b) go to college and become an official cranky bitch who needs to wake the fuck up and stop pushing people away. And for those of you who are wondering I am talking about myself. I don't know why, but I deal with all this stress and drama in college and I think I am getting f*ing tired of it. When a relationship that you rely on so much begins to fall apart because you are going through a case of, "My head is so far up my ass the shit is beginning to cloud my vision and give me hallucinations" I think it's a sign that you need to stop. Stop whatever you are doing wrong and fix it, because it's obviously not making you one happy person and it's beginning to hurt the people you love as well. I'm getting a headache. I think I've become something of a follower since I have come to college. I feel like I was this nice little shape, and I was happy being whatever shape I was and now that I am in college people are chipping away at my shape. Trying to get me to fit in with whatever little cookie cutter nitch they deem acceptable. It's hard to find a way back, I feel like Hansel and Gretel must have when they put down bread crumbs and the animals of the forest ate them so the two couldn't find their way home. The kids at college are the animals and I am Gretel. Or maybe I am the witch? I don't know anymore, I just need to stop. Whatever I am doing wrong I need to stop. Stop relying on people so much, stop hanging onto their every word, stop bitching, fighting, moaning and groaning and just get my ass into gear. It is definently harder than it seems though. I don't know how to say sorry for something that I should of seen right off the bat. I like myself, really I do, it's just I don't like the lying. I used to be extremely honest. Sometimes, just a little too honest. It feels like the trend here is to lie. Just little, white lies. Don't want to go somewhere? Lie and say you have something else to do, don't want to do something, lie. On and on it goes until you drown in the lies. I can't breathe anymore, the lies stink everything up and take over. There just little lies, they shouldn't hurt anyone right? Wrong, they have. They have hurt someone and they have caused them not to trust me. All because of one simple lie, that wouldn't have gotten started if I had just told the truth. I could of told the truth because it wouldn't have even mattered. I have grown so accustomed to these lies though that even when I feel the need to say the truth out pops a lie. It's like word vomit, or maybe autopilot, I want to tell the truth but I am not behind the wheel, I have been turned to autopilot and all I can do is watch as the lies spew out. Well, autopilot has been turned off. I'm done with it. I'm an adult, people can handle the truth. If it is something stupid, like staying over a friends late, I should just spit it out. It isn't going to hurt anyone but myself, I won't get enough sleep, I need to take responsibility for that. But a lie, a lie hurts everyone involved, there isn't a point. It's senseless violence, it's not a victimless crime. So I need to stop the lies and living in college's cookie cutter world of ideals. THE IDEAL OF LYING FUCKING SUCKS PEOPLE, STOP IT, IT'S STUPID BULLSHIT, IT MIGHT HURT SOMEONE NOW TO TELL THE TRUTH, BUT THINK HOW HURT LATER THEY WILL FEEL WHEN THEY LEARNED YOU LIED? I'm out, but the lies are fucking bullshit, and the person I lied to, I am sorry I lied, I can't take it back, but I can tell you the truth. I DID LIE, SORRY. Current Mood: thoughtful | | Tuesday, April 12th, 2005 | | 1:38 am |
Leg Hurts Like a Biatch Alright, for the past 3 days my leg has hurt worse than any pain I have felt before and I have gone through an entire bottle of IcyHot and I'm starting to think I either strained my hamstring, pulled it or worse, tore it. If I just strained or pulled it I can handle it, but if I have torn it it really is going to suck because it means when I try out for dance again I really am going to be in a lot of pain. Hopefully that isn't it though. If you are wondering why this entry is so late it's because the pain in my leg has actually kept me up and I now cannot relax and go to sleep. If worse comes to worse I am not going to my first class and I am going to the clinic. I think as long as I have a doctors note he will understand and let me make up the lab. Hopefully. If not then I will go to class and then just go to the clinic. I reallly want to cry though. The pain won't go away and it just keeps getting worse. My calf cramped about half an hour ago and I swear I was in so much pain I think I uttered a few choice curse words. So now, I'm sitting up because I can't lay down and really, really hoping this pain in my leg will go away. I keep remembering to breath slowly and I keep applying icyhot (that stuff works wonders) but now I have to deal with the pain and horror that I am almost out...That sucks...Oh yeah, and I learned that I didn't make the dance team because one girl voted that they shouldn't lower the dance score to allow me on the team and also the judging was rigged. It's b.s. but you know, I really don't care. I'll try out for the dance team in August and if I don't make it than I don't make it. I think I might try to go to sleep now. The cramp has passed so hopefully I will get some decent sleep. Current Mood:  Sore againCurrent Music: The sounds of Pueblo at night |
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