Chariots Rise

TECHNOLOGY UPDATE:

Cable (phone + internets) are sporadically crapping out. Technician is coming on Tuesday to check it out. I'm not sure what's going to happen between now and then.

DirecTV only half works. We can't record two things at once, or change the channel while recording. The problem is likely a faulty cable; technicians will be here on Sunday.

Also YAY WE ARE GOING TO THE FAIR.

The DirecTV installation guys got here at 11:15 and they're still here, there's some problem with the signal. I'm not tired, exactly, I've got that frantic electric energy that comes when you stay up all night; my eyes are impossibly dry, and they sting, but I don't feel like I could sleep in a million years.

I just finished Carrie. It's a wonderful metaphor for what happens when a controlling mother realizes that her little girl has powers beyond the reach of her apron strings. I'm reading Rage now, which, despite the film sequel to Carrie, is unrelated. It's about a crazy student who shoots some teachers and takes other students hostage. They took it out of print after Columbine, as if that's the first time anyone shot up a school. Was it? Somehow, I don't think so. People kind of act like the Columbine kids created violence. It's always that way with tragedy.

Fair tomorrow; but, oddly, two sleeps before that. We have the strangest schedule. I think I probably went over calories today, by a bit at least, but that's okay. We're in to the next day now. Won't get much sleep. Can't go to bed until the guys leave, obviously, and can't sleep too late on account of THE FAIR.

I wish I had telekinesis. I tried to move a book on my shelf using only the power of my mind, but no dice. It's kind of like when I was a kid and wanted so desperately to be an elf, or to talk to God. They were equally impossible, although I didn't know that at the time.

I'm kind of worried that something will turn out to be fucked up that they can't fix today. For all we know, we're the only ones with DirecTV in the building, and maybe nothing works right. It will just suck.

Ugh.

We went out and bought the stamps for the invitations, so I now have everything I need to assemble them. I'm waiting until after Tuesday, when we'll have satellite TV, to hunker down and actually do it.

Breakfast at Friendly's first - I only ate half of my omelet, and I'm so proud of myself! But the other half is calling to me. Mmmmmmm. Delicious egg and cheese. I also ate half of my potato things. It was probably a 500+ calorie meal, all things considered, but that's okay. I didn't eat much today.

I'm really, really hoping nothing goes wrong with the T.V. installation. I've spoken to the receptionist at the management office a few times, but, no offense, I think she may have an actual mental disorder. Like, she can't remember or retain anything. Ever. The manager is NEVER there, so I can only hope that the messages go through. Apartment maintenance - which, as far as anyone knows, consists of one guy in the same pair of dirty jeans - might need to be there when they drill a new hole from the outside, and I have no idea if he will be or if I'll be able to contact anyone. Ugh. I'll be glad when it's all over.

RONZONI SMART TASTE PASTA, EVERYBODY. It costs 50 cents more per box than regular pasta, tastes exactly the same, and is 100% better for you. A+ would devour again.

I am kind of pissed off with myself for not starting a diet sooner. I could be thin by now if I'd buckled down when I was 16, 17, 18, 19, pretty much every year I started thinking about it and then abandoned the idea.

Now that I'm completely in charge of what I eat and generally have the time/energy to fix my own food, it's perfect. This new awesome pasta means I don't have to sacrifice spaghetti dinners, and mini pizzas made on whole wheat pitas with green pepper toppings are just as good as the real thing. Honest. Snacks are now hard boiled eggs, yogurt, apples, celery with neufchatel cheese, etc. instead of chips and salsa or grilled cheese, but I can live with that.

In other news, my wedding invitations are sitting at some DHL location that I cannot locate on their website or by phone. They tried delivery once, will try twice more, undoubtedly miss us, and take it back to aforementioned facility. Of course there is no one staffing the phones over the weekend. Of course.

However, they say they'll keep it for seven days without sending it back, so that should give me ample time to figure out where the fuck I need to go.

1700 calories per day is so much less than you think. On the plus side, I am making CREATIVE RECIPES.

I call this my Tiny Pizza.

INGREDIENTS

one whole-wheat pita
some mozzarella cheese
spaghetti sauce, preferably the kind with little sausage bits in it
green pepper

Slice open pita so it becomes two circles. Sprinkle bottom part with some cheese. Put top on. Put on sauce, sprinkle with cheese, then with chopped pepper. Bake in oven for a few minutes.

Result = deliciousness for under 300 calories.

A new series of posts about people who are terrible examples of humanity.

Smug Rhetorical Question Guy

Person: So what does it mean when somebody flies a flag upside down? I don't know what to make of it.
That Guy: You've never encountered an upside-down flag before?

....

Person: ....no.

I'm not talking about clarifying the question/making sure someone isn't joking around with you. I'm talking about where someone's obviously asking an honest question and That Guy feels the need to respond with a smug rhetorical question, instead of an answer.

Fuck That Guy.

I stole 2 memes from angielabrie! That sorta rhymes!

( Because. )

I'd like to take a moment to plug my new job-on-the-side. It's amazingly awesome work, and it's something you can all benefit from. Srsly.

So, have you ever been stuck somewhere with nothing but your cell phone, and you NEED TO KNOW SOMETHING OMG RIGHT NOW? But you don't have Google at your fingertips! Oh noes! Never fear, ChaCha is here.

A team of live Guides - myself included - are available 24/7 (not all of us simultaneously, of course) to answer your queries. Looking for a good Mexican restaurant in your zip code? Need to know how tall Lil' Wayne is? Want to hear a blonde joke? If the answer fits in 160 characters or less, we'll do everything we can to track it down.

This is 100% FREE! Yes, I know!

Text your question to:
ChaCha (242242)

Or call:
1-800-2ChaCha

On the other hand, if you're looking for some work in your spare time, consider becoming a ChaCha guide too. I won't go into a ton of details here in case nobody cares, because I'm tired. But suffice it to say that it pays reasonably well for sitting on your ass and making your own hours from home. You might find stuff online saying it's a "pyramid scheme" but they've completely changed their referral structure since that accusation was leveled. If you do decide to apply, make sure to say that tortillafactory referred you.

I've decided I'm going to write a horror novel.

I don't even like horror or being scared, but I'm going to do it anyway. It's worth a shot.

I'm giving myself six months. Wish me luck.

It's turning into a Michael Cera filmfest over here. I'm busy with work and put on Juno in the background, and now suddenly I'm watching Superbad and thinking "man, I should give Arrested Development another chance." Fuck the what.

"I am TRULY jealous that you got to suck on those tits when you were a baby."
"Yeah, well, at least you got to suck on your dad's dick."

I lol every time.

Highlight of my night so far:

Pulling a sweatshirt out of the freshly-dried laundry and crawling into its cocoon of warmth and softness.

Everything else has been pretty much shit. Not for any particular reason, I just feel like I have a hangover.

This is all kinds of fucked up, but on the other hand, I'm not sure it was a horrible thing. I keep thinking about that episode of "House" where Chase kissed the little cancer girl.

So I've bought two things for the wedding from individuals on LJ. The first thing was a set of handmade heart-shaped wreath things that I can't really describe because I'm stupid, and the second thing was a tiara. The tiara showed up today. Still no sign of the wreaths, which is weird because I know I sent the money at least 2 weeks before I even started talking about buying the tiara. I should probably dig up that post and figure out what the fuck. Luckily, the wreaths were like $16 for the entire set, while the tiara was $65. If one of them has to be sacrificed to the Post Office Gods, I guess they picked the right one.

Tonight, I have shitloads of work to do. So I don't know why I'm on LJ. Over and out.

Today's conference call lasted all of 20 minutes, 10 of which was spent waiting for the third guy to show up.

I'm baking a cake.

My lips have broken out in that ridiculous rash that I first got last winter. It's not as bad as last time, mostly because I now know how to take care of it:

1. DO NOT LICK
2. Keep clean & dry
3. Vitamin E

With any luck, it should be healed up in a few days. I wish I had some indication of why this is happening so much, and how to prevent it, because apparently applying chapstick pretty much every day does not help. I can only find one indication online for a specific cause of mouth rashes, and it doesn't sound at all like what I have. It really just seems like a dry lip problem that goes wild.

The Dark Knight review, followed by my experience at the theater.

Before I get to any of my professional obligations regarding The Dark Knight, I would just like to say, FUCK YOU REGAL CINEMAS FOR NOT PLAYING THE WATCHMEN TRAILER. FUCK YOUR MOTHER. IF I HAD ANY BALLS, I WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR MY MONEY BACK, BUT I DIDN'T, SO YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW PISSED I AM.

Anyway, great movie. I will be covering it in more detail soon. In the meantime, you Office fans might be interested to read an interview I did with David Denman (Roy), and I'd also like to share my review of Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

Also, those of you who aren't my Facebook friends, or who don't look at their friends pages, might have missed ( my wedding dress )

YEAH BOOOOII

Because if I put it here, maybe I will actually get some of this shit done.

Organize/vacuum:
office
living room
(I also reoriented the litter box so that Harry is not constantly tracking litter into the doorway. The fact that it took me this long to think of that option is...nothing short of amazing.)

Write 5 articles

Make tzatziki

Work on ceremony

Not too lofty. I can do it!

Maybe it's just me, but I just got to thinking about this and I realized how much it bothered me.

Does anyone else feel a little offended when people chuckle at something you say that wasn't meant to be funny? I mean, there are scenarios where it's obviously offensive, such as when I was on the phone with HP support one time...

Me: My friend who's really good with computers said the problem might be X -
Support guy: (chuckling) No, no...that's...that's not it.

Forgive me for mentioning it, but since you guys have ALREADY ATTEMPTED TO FIX IT TWICE AND SO FAR ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING, I thought I'd give it a shot. Dick.

If he had said something like "I don't think X is the problem, because Y" it would have been different. Was the laughter really necessary? Even if he'd known that I was wrong, why would he laugh at me?

Anyway, I'm talking about something more subtle. I know lots of people laugh as a nervous reflex, but most don't...and I always feel a little uncomfortable in situations where I am putting something on the line and then find myself being laughed at. It happens sometimes when I offer to do a favor for someone, or to pick up extra work, or what have you. I'm not sure what's funny about it to the person on the other end, and it makes me feel stupid for having offered something.

I don't know, maybe I'm the only person who notices/encounters this. It was just in my head and it wanted to be let out.

Ciao.

( PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE WITHIN )

(For those who don't know, users at the Something Awful forums have the ability to rate threads on a scale of 1 to 5. A Gold rating means that a LOT of people have rated you 5.