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Even though things are happening, I have no idea what's happening.
I wanted to get in a rhythm immediately, but I decided I'd give myself a week. Then two weeks. Then three weeks. Tomorrow is a month that I've been home.
Giving myself more than a week was a good thing. It also helped that I injured myself by pulling deep muscles between my spine and the right shoulder blade; It was underneath my trapezius and rhomboids, so a massage therapist couldn't even get to it. She could only break up a couple of the more superficial knots that had formed as a reaction to the injury. All of that was caused by stress, I'm pretty sure.
I've been trying to see that although I haven't done my normal workout regimen in about a month, my continuation of yoga classes counts as exercise and that I am still maintaining strength and muscle mass, even though it works differently with yoga as I've understood it. My issue is that I would like to have my body look like it can do the things it can do. I really like it when I have visible muscle definition. There have been some classes that have kicked my butt and left me sore the next day, so I have felt good about that. Most importantly, I've been even more able to listen to my body and set aside all the tons of crap that go through my mind all the time.
I've been seeing metaphors all over the place in things I watch, things I listen to, things I read, things I do. Knowing a few people has resulted in some connections and opportunities and possibilities. They are not immediate, mind you, but imminent. Things have changed in regard to chances I once took and decided I'd take again that could – with the combination of such "chance" meetings – yield different and desirable results.
If nothing else, I've learned once again that I am taken care of. I do land on my feet and I will succeed. It's just a weird feeling. I've not pressed anything or forced anything and I'm just kind of slightly disconnected and skew from everything in a way that I don't think I have been before. I can't describe how and where I've been centered, but it's a different zone. I know I'm in some kind of zone, just one that doesn't seem familiar, but it seems to be working. I'm flying blind, but it's a legal blindness, not a complete one: I can see shadows and shapes.
Most of all, I'm still trying to reach a point of understanding about a recent and very significant event. My mind tells me one thing and although my heart is more tempered than it was a month ago and more, there is still an emotional ripple that cannot be ignored. I realized that the wound is very deep, and from this distance I believe that no other thing in my life has wounded me more deeply. It will take me some amount of time to reach the point of peace I wish to reach. It will take a while before interaction will not have some twinge of pain and resentment. What happened happened so that a worse situation would not develop, and it happened out of love and not for lack or reduction of it, but that does not make it any easier to swallow, understand or "get over." Not for me.
And don't let anyone fool you: patience is not always its own reward and doing the good and right thing doesn't always mean that things will turn out for the best. Nice guys will still sometimes finish last.
A vessel cannot be made full without being emptied. One cannot dive in without first exiting the pool.
Get knocked down ten times, get up eleven.
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tokenpants's journal
amused
okay
crushed
aggravated
intimidated
giddy
accomplished