Current mood:

geeky

Thank God for friends...
...For REAL FRIENDS. The kind that understand. The kind that support. The kind that make you believe that everything is OK with the world. The kind that just make you feel whole. The kind that you can talk to for hours about absolutely nothing and come away feeling like you've really accomplished something?

Excerpt from a thought provoking IM convo from this AM:

(Used with permission, OF COURSE... names/places have been changed to protect the innocent.)

friend says:
morning ms lu

TinaLu says:
morning senor

friend says:
que pasa?

TinaLu says:
nada

TinaLu says:
y tu?

friend says:
i quit smoking

friend says:
thats about it

TinaLu says:
YEAH???

TinaLu says:
GOOD FOR YOU!

friend says:
yea it sucks

friend says:
heheh

friend says:
i've just been really restless lately, and not because of the smoking

TinaLu says:
restless like... how?

TinaLu says:
Tired of where you are in life?

friend says:
yes

TinaLu says:
what?

friend says:
want the long story?

friend says:
heheh

TinaLu says:
what's wrong honey?

TinaLu says:
sure

TinaLu says:
I love stories

friend says:
well, i'm teaching this semester, which is really good for me, photo
is my life and what I went to grad school for ... but it really makes
me hate my day job (computer geek basically) -- and the fact that I
sacrificed my job search for my ex-wife because she had her dream job
here in st. louis

friend says:
so now of course, i'm not married

friend says:
and have started looking for jobs

friend says:
and the band is another issue

friend says:
i got my passport renewed too

friend says:
i just feel like GOING

friend says:
restless

friend says:
BUT

friend says:
i've moved around my whole life, i have friends here etc.

friend says:
so i'm also kind of stuck, emotionally

friend says:
what should I do doctor?

TinaLu says:
Just stay

friend says:
ok .... why?

TinaLu says:
Cuz just like you said... you have friends

TinaLu says:
You can make a job change here

TinaLu says:
You just "got back on your feet" emotionally

friend says:
i cant get a full time photo teaching job here

friend says:
there are none

TinaLu says:
If you move, you'll have to start ALL OVER

TinaLu says:
right?

friend says:
i'm good at that

TinaLu says:
I don't know... I'm not in your shoes, hon

TinaLu says:
And that's what you wanna do, bar none?

TinaLu says:
Off Topic: Dear Photographer,

friend says:
hehe

TinaLu says:
I've been wanting someone, although I had no clue until just this second, to take some photos for me

TinaLu says:
I need black and white

TinaLu says:
I want OLD looking

TinaLu says:
like... 30's & 40's movie stars

friend says:
thats my thing

friend says:
we can do that

TinaLu says:
Lana Turner

TinaLu says:
Maybe even remake some old Marilyn pics, etc

TinaLu says:
I wanna be a pin up girl! (A fully CLOTHED pin up girl, lol)

TinaLu says:
I need to find someone to do the hair and makeup, but I've been
thinking about this for like a couple years now

friend says:
i have use of a shooting studio here at WashU

friend says:
and we can do some location stuff too around town

TinaLu says:
If you know anyone who does hair and/or makeup... hook a sister up

friend says:
i will ask around

TinaLu says:
This will be SO FUN!

friend says:
YOU dont know a makeup person?????

friend says:
all the hair bands you know?

friend says:
heheh

TinaLu says:
*I* do makeup... I love makeup, but it has to be done a tad diff for
B&W and I want the eyelashes, the drawn on eyebrows, the dark
lipstick... just like the old screen sirens

friend says:
well if i ask around for makeup people .. like for a timeline .. how
long are we talking?

TinaLu says:
Sometime... end of this summer?

friend says:
END OF SUMMER? I thought you meant like next month, heheh

friend says:
of course NOBODY EVER sends me any new pics

friend says:
just fuzzy camera phone stuff

TinaLu says:
I took a few with the camera phone this weekend too, lol

TinaLu says:
I was having a good hair/makeup night... had to be
documented... ya know? LOL

TinaLu says:
chicks DO that shit

friend says:
so send them

friend says:
chicks rule

friend says:
nobody has more photos of themselves than I do

friend says:
believe me

friend says:
btw, i'm working on updating my photo website so i'll show it to you
when its better looking

TinaLu says:
Deal.

TinaLu says:
Hold on a sec

TinaLu says:
which email addy? hotmail?

friend says:
na

friend says:
friend@friendsemailaddress.com

TinaLu says:
shit... most of them are gone?

TinaLu says:
I still have my favorite.

TinaLu says:
looks like a Pantene shampoo commercial or some shit

friend says:
gone?

TinaLu says:
*still looking*

TinaLu says:
One sent

friend says:
thats from your camera phone?

TinaLu says:
Yep

friend says:
pretty cool pic from a phone

TinaLu says:
it's set to the highest resolution, lol

friend says:
camera phones are an interesting photographic aesthetic

friend says:
oh by the way

friend says:
you look really lovely

friend says:
i like to compliment you because, well, they are deserved ... but i
also feel like you probably get tired of people telling you how beautiful
you are .. or can one ever tire of that? I have no idea.

TinaLu says:
that's an odd one...

TinaLu says:
I don't get tired of hearing it, but not because I believe it

TinaLu says:
I have my own set of issues over here

friend says:)
what do you mean?

friend says:
self-esteem / image issues, that kind of thing, or men issues?

TinaLu says:
When I look in the mirror, I still see the WAY TOO SKINNY, tom boy,
with the jacked teeth

TinaLu says:
the only thing I can compare it to is how anorexics must feel when
they look in the mirror and see fat

TinaLu says:
so yeah... like... self-esteem / image issues, that kind of thing

friend says:
i can understand that

TinaLu says:
I realize that it sounds a bit irrational, but... *shrugging* I've
never been a rational kinda girl

friend says:
sometimes in my mirror i still see the alcoholic / drug abusing /
depressed / suicidal kid that i once was

friend says:
its not irrational at all

friend says:
i totally understand what you mean

TinaLu says:
WOW.... I'm glad someone does

TinaLu says:
i mean really... people say all kinds of shit about how I look, and
I try to be thankful, but most of the time... I honestly just don'

TinaLu says:
don't get it

friend says:
what part dont you get? what they are saying or their motives for
saying it

TinaLu says:
It's like that person is still in there, and I can make the outside
look different, but the person I used to be, the person that feels all
insecure about how they look is the person that's always staring back
from the mirror

TinaLu says:
what they're saying

TinaLu says:
fuck motives... I don't fall for that shit

friend says:
I really understand that, and in fact experienced the same thing
when I cut my hair ... my hair was really a security blanket for me, a
place to hide .. that may sound silly, but losing it exposes me, my
face, to the world -- and to myself

friend says:
i guess i've made progress because i'm pretty happy with the guy who
was under there

friend says:
although i can see more of the younger me too, and there is some
scary stuff still there .. i've never thought i was particularly
good looking or anything, so i just grew the hair for attention too

friend says:
its sad really that our culture focuses so much on the outside, the
physical and we are kind of taught to hide behind the ruse, that
everything will be ok if we make our outsides look good

TinaLu says:
No shit...

TinaLu says:
I keep working on the outside, but what about the fruitcake that's
still in there? what about her? LOL

friend says:
thats one thing i've always like about you .. you've always had
great conversations with me and share the inside tidbits too

friend says:
i dunno, what about her? i like talking to her

TinaLu says:
I have nothing to hide

friend says:
unless i'm talking to the hot chick?

TinaLu says:
LOL

friend says:
there is no separation Tina

friend says:
look at it this way ... that insecure girl inside adds to your
beauty .. you would act differently if you weren't who you were and
that would affect how people perceive yoiu

TinaLu says:
It's always the skinny little tom boy with the jacked teeth who just
happens to look better now... it's all the same anymore, or... at least
I've been trying to merge them

friend says:
i dont think you know what a rare breed you are really ...
attractive and extremely sweet and smart ..

friend says:
i like that old photo of you on myspace

TinaLu says:
the big hair? LOL

TinaLu says:
notice the closed mouth smile? jacked teeth

friend says:
reminds me SO much of growing up ... how we ALL looked different
(funny) then and grew into ourselves

friend says:
you should see pics of me ... hehe

TinaLu says:
I'm sure you were cute

TinaLu says:
Hey... I might use excerpts of this convo in a blog, names will be
omitted to protect the innocent

TinaLu says:
it's right up the alley of some shit I was gonna blog about anyway

friend says:
not a problem

friend says:
i'm innocent?

friend says:
heheh

friend says:
thanks!

TinaLu says:
I'm sure there's SOMETHING innocent left about you

friend says:
there's plenty

friend says:
like my sense of wonder

friend says:
my romanticism

friend says:
optimism in the face of despair

friend says:
want me to send you an old pic?

TinaLu says:
Sure.... it makes me happy that you even HAVE a sense of wonder,
along with the romanticism

TinaLu says:
most ppl don't, ya know?

friend says:
really?

TinaLu says:
not even close

friend says:
i guess you're right

TinaLu says: (10:04:17)
I dream/think too much

friend says:
NO SUCH THING as TOO MUCH

TinaLu says:
and most of the stuff I say I wanna do or that I'm going to do... I
KNOW I never will... but it's still fun to say

friend says:
dont ever say that to me again! heheh

TinaLu says:
My ex?

friend says:
?

TinaLu says:
HATED the fact that I even brought shit like that up

friend:
thats why he's your ex

TinaLu says:
"Why do you even say shit like that? You know you'll never do it"

friend says:
oh wow

TinaLu says:
"That's stupid"

friend says:
i'm glad you're not with him

TinaLu says:
I sent him on a valentines day scavenger hunt once

TinaLu says:
He hated it

TinaLu says:
He had NO sense of wonder OR romanticism

friend says:
he's probably not a very happy person either

TinaLu says:
He's not

TinaLu says:
and he made me into an unhappy person as well (which is why I had to get OUT)

friend says:
i mean i'm the first to admit ... i dream a LOT, and some of the
things wont get done because i cant possibly do all the things i dream
up ... but i journal them and sometimes the meld together into
wonderful projects and ideas .. i cannot stop my mind from working the
way it does

friend says:
so i say to you

friend says:
"thats a fucking great idea ... try it!"

TinaLu says:
awwww

friend says:
i mean really ... what good is being alive if we don't try what our
minds dream up? someone has to, or we'd still be living in caves ....
and personally, i'd go crazy if i didnt allow my brain to resolve some
its ideas

TinaLu says:
Exactly

friend says:
so feel free to bounce any ideas off me at any time .. i promise i
will NEVER tell you something is stupid .. i have experienced that
myself and know the feeling

friend says:
plus, honestly, i dont think most ideas are stupid

friend says:
except ones that the Bush Administration comes up with

friend says:
i think thats why i'm a good teacher ... a lot of students are used
to professors telling them whats wrong with their work

TinaLu says:
LOL

TinaLu says:
gotcha

friend says:
i have a good knack for allowing them to work things out, to come to
a good conclusion no matter what the idea

TinaLu says:
you tell them what's right about it and let them go from there?

friend says:
i've never told a student their work/ideas are stupid or wrong

friend says:
well ... i do that, and if there is a disconnect between what they
wanted to show, and what I actually see, i help them bridge the gap

friend says:
sometimes they have an idea but have trouble realizing it

TinaLu says:
Good for you

friend says:
i mean, so do I, thats art

friend says:
i talk a lot about myself, i apologize

friend says:
character defect

friend says:
especially in chat / writing

TinaLu says:
I don't mind

TinaLu says:
I have a hard time talking, PERIOD

TinaLu says:
so it all evens out

friend says:
hmm?

friend says:
girl ... you're alwasy talking to me

friend says:
dont even try to act shy

TinaLu says:
Yeah, but like... in person

TinaLu says:
I don't talk....

TinaLu says:
... much.

TinaLu says:
haha

TinaLu says:
Got the pic... AWWWW, you were cute! Just a younger version of the
face you have now

friend says:
HAHAHHH

friend says:
NO dont say that

friend says:
look at me! so ..... ugh, i dunno

friend says:
awkward!

TinaLu says:
Excuse me... did ya SEE the big hair pic?... I got your awkward!

friend says:
heheeheh

friend says:
i wish leg warmers would come back

friend says:
i loved that shit