Current mood:	contemplative
Current music:	Whatever's on CMT at the moment

If this is 30... can I be 29 again??
So... yeah, I'm just gonna rant and everyone should probably stand out of the way, OK?? Some bad, some good, some indiffernet.... it's all good.

This whole blog process... I wish I had time to do it on a regular basis. But once I log in, I'm like... HERE for quite a while. I don't have that kinda time. So what happens is... I have a few pieces of notebook paper that I just scribble stuff on in passing, and then when I get some extra time I show up here and let it all out. I doubt my blurbs would mean much to anyone else, bits and pieces of info, incomplete thoughts... some of them irrational all just thrown together haphazardly, which... when you think about it, that's probably how my brain looks inside. That's why I blog. NOT to put things out there so much really, more because as I'm putting all of these ideas into words, I can twist 'em, pull 'em, and tweak 'em until everything makes sense to me, and then I don't have to dwell on it anymore. Kinda like that rotisserie guy, Ron Popeil, I can "set it, and forget it!" Or like defragmenting the hard drive, I take a gazillion thoughts, sort 'em into how I feel about 'em, how I SHOULD feel about 'em, and what I should do about them... if anything, then I move on... running FAR more efficiently. So the other day, my scribbles and blurbs were discovered in the desk drawer causing alarm and concern in the household. Not that I wouldn't have been concerned findind the same sort of stuff written by anyone else. I'm reading over them now, and had I not known what was going through my head at the time I wrote most of this stuff down, I really *do* sound like I'm having some sort of breakdown... which is SO NOT THE CASE, yet... there it is, in my handwriting. It's also funny how, one day I'll think of something ALL DAY, write it down, dwell on it for a few more days, but once I finally get the time to actuallly blog it - it doesn't even seem important anymore and therefore gets dropped from blog contention all together. Did I dwell until it's a non-issue? LOL. So yeah, anyone out there who knows me personally, and who are possibly thinking of having me committed? I'M FINE. REALLY.

Normally, I prefer to be of the easy-going, carefree variety of folk. Lately though... I just have so much on my mind I just don't know whether I'm coming or going. I think I've gone through 2 - 100 count bottles of Tums in the last month. Good times!

*wondering where to start*

Friends and THEIR suck-ass Friend - namely ME: I am so completely and 100% thankful for "my girls." One of my favorite girls is currently M.I.A. (with good reason - her Mom is ill) and I feel like shit because I SO have not been there for her. I know I've let her down, I know she's pissed at me for it... so you'd think I'd do everything I can RIGHT NOW TO FIX IT. I just don't know what to do or what to say. I think about her everyday... all the things we've been through together, all the trouble we've gotten ourselves into together, and now it's all I can do to pick up the phone and call her - Partly because of the guilt, partly because I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to be saying. I miss her. Since moving to St. Louis in June, I miss not being able to hop into the car and head over to her house should either of us need anything. I miss how when one of us was having a problem, the other one would just show up and everything would be OK. I don't know how to "be there for her" from here. Any other time, "being there for her" would include one of us showing up at the other's house and just sitting. We'd talk about everything or not at all. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to be doing now though, and it's KILLING me.

And then... from the time I was in kindergarten, the most wonderful woman in the world, Irene, used to babysit me. Then... up until we moved, she's also watched my children every summer while they were out of school, and my boys couldn't WAIT for school to be out for the summer just so they could spend every day at her house. She had 5 grown children of her own, and then had (at last count that I remember) taken care of over 350 foster children in some capacity... meaning, for the weekend, or for a few years. During the summers, there would be anywhere from 10 to 20 children at her house daily, some grandchildren, some were foster children, and some were like me... ones she babysat for. As I got a bit older, 3rd grade or so, always the perpetual mom... even at that age, I helped her out. I changed diapers, helped make sandwiches at lunch, watched the little ones in the pool, etc. Around age 14 or 15 I started making extra money by babysitting, and babysat quite a few times for Irene's son and daughter-in-law. They had one boy, age 5 or 6, and twin girls who weren't quite 2. So... flash forward to now, over the holidays, one of the twins, now 14 or so, had some swollen lymph nodes which wouldn't go away even after antibiotic therapy, etc. She's got cancer. WTF? A WONDEFUL family, out-going, well-behaved girls, and then THIS? She's been at St. Jude's hospital receiving treatment over the last few weeks. Can you imagine 1) being a teenage girl? Her main concern is that she doesn't want her hair to fall out 2) being a twin where one of you is VERY SICK, and the other isn't? That's got to be SO HARD. I'm so lost...

I STILL don't know what to think about the whole Dimebag thing either. So, I'm not even GOING there. How fucked up is the world when shit like this starts to happen?? Ugh!

Work: I had forgotten how much working in a nursing home makes you think about like... well, just LIFE, on a daily basis. Like... how different people and families deal with life and death, etc. I dwell enough, I didn't really need MORE SHIT TO THINK ABOUT, ya know?? One of the most noteable of recent occurences happened a couple months ago... (just so I don't hafta rehash, I'll throw a link up here) THIS went down and I haven't really been the same since. It's funny how stuff can totally get in your head and change you entire perspective on life and how you look at it. That, and since I moved... I haven't seen my grandma. She's 89. She's not going to be around forever. There's a little lady at work... she's got my grandma's face. The guilt I feel everytime she looks at me just breaks my heart. Just when I was starting to think about finding another place to work, they decided to gimme a promotion of sorts. After taking out medical insurance on myself and the children though... I'm actually bringing home less money than when I started though... So... Yeah. WTF??

The kiddos: The boys have been struggling a bit in school. They were both on the honor roll last year before the move, so I know it's the whole "new school/new place" scenario, so I'm not entirely concerned, but it's still a bit alarmning. I'm a mom, I'm supposed to be able to fix this kinda shit. They've been grounded, MADE to study, all kinds of things/privileges taken away... Nothing seems to phase them. Now what?? I'm at a loss.

Random Blurb: That movie Sister Act with Whoopie Goldberg? It was on the other night as I was aimlessly flipping through channels, when Whoopie got to the part where she tells the girl something like... "When you wake up in the morning and think about singing first? You're supposed to be a singer." Which made me think... WTF am *I* SUPPOSED to be doing. Does EVERYONE have these sort of aspirations? Everyone has something they think of every morning? What's wrong with me?!? (TANGENT: Other than my odd fascination with CMT lately... I just can't wait to be off work so I can be home in my jammies with CMT playing in the backgroud ALL DAY? It doesn't matter if I'm cleaning, resting, playing online, etc. If I'm home alone, CMT is playing ALL DAY.) I was discussing this with a friend last week. I don't have an "outlet." I don't have anything artistic that I'm exceptionally good at. I'm not that athletic, I don't run. I'm not musically inclined. I don't write. What do people like me do?? No wonder my head's never in the right place, where's my outlet?!? I've got all kinds of occurences/emotions coming IN, and no way to work them OUT. I'd LOVE to be able to SING, or like... PLAY an instrument... anything. Hell, I'd settle for the accordian. I'm one of the mushiest people on earth, but can't get the things I feel into words and onto paper to save my life. I can't imagine being able to put ideas and feelings into words, maybe share 'em with others?... to be able to paint what I feel everyday? That's a beautiful gift. I have SO MUCH admiration for people like that. It's unreal.

3 WISHES: SO... if genies REALLY DID EXIST, and you could only have 3 wishes. WHAT would you wish for? Truthfully. My sons and I had like an hour long discussion about this last week, comepletely serious ideas, etc. We were SO trying to come up with wishes that would benefit ourselves and mankind... things that would make life better... things that would just make us happy. Now I'm just WAY curious. What would you wish for?

Random Blurb #2: The avatar that I use at Sludge/MySpace/Ezboard froze up the other day. It kept jumping between the same couple of frames. It looked like something from a Wang Chung video.

I don't fit: I think I've decided that most of my issues have come about because I just don't feel like I "fit" yet. I know I've mentioned moving quite often here, but I had a little meltdown the other night, and decided that THAT's what my issue is. I'd lived in the same town for 29 years before moving to STL. My family is all still there, my friends are all there. And although it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be, I MISS EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING I HAD BACK HOME. During said meltdown when asked what my problem was, it just flew out, "I don't feel like I fit here yet!" It's funny how relieve I felt after saying it, and how up until that point, I had no clue what my problem was. That's me though most of the time... CLUELESS.

My Own Selfishness??: There are so many people out there in the world that have practically NOTHING. Here I am with a healthy family, great friends, a brand new home, people who love me, a car that runs no matter what I seem to do to it... yet... sometimes I have this overwhealming feeling that something is missing. I haven't a clue as to what it is, where I'm supposed to find it, which direction I need to be looking. It's not a new feeling or something I'm going to dramatically change everything in my life about. Sometimes it's just in the back of my head, something I think about from time to time. Sometimes it's a feeling, something I wanna do something about... but what? I remember being young, and feeling the same way, that I was supposed to BE somewhere... somewhere better, or DOING something... something different. What *IS THAT*? Everytime I reach a major milestone in my life, I don't feel it anymore, and I think it's gone... highschool graduation, college graduation, the house, etc... but it always comes back. Is this the drive behind whatever outlet I'm supposed to have? If I find my "outlet" and act upon it, will it finally go away? I've got everything anyone could possibly need and more and it's never enough. HOW SELFISH IS THAT? What's wrong with me that I can't just be content in all that I have, that I just can't be HAPPY?? (Not that I'm NOT happy, but I always feel like if I could just do this or that - again not knowing what the this or that is - that I would be happy.) I feel all driven, but towards WHAT? Why am I always looking for answers when I don't even know what the questions are? Then I get to wondering... do the people around me think that I'm unhappy? I'm not, I swear I'm not. But, I don't want the kids thinking that I'm not happy, ya know? So until I get there, where ever "there" might be... it's like The Waterboy up in here. "Dey ever catch dat gorilla dat escaped from the zoo and punched you in da eye, Bobby?"

"No mama. THE SEARCH CONTINUES."