timothy j. lambert

I put the first few pages of When You Don't See Me by Timothy James Beck into Wordle and got this:

[via FARBlog]

About fourteen hours ago, in my last entry, I said:

"...when it comes to responsible dog ownership and/or when dealing with dogs who have poor social skills I don't advocate the kind of lazy disregard I displayed when I woke up, because it could be hazardous for your dogs and/or yourself."

I meant that when I said it, and here's why:

Everything went so well yesterday with both Rex and EZ off leash together that I thought we'd try it again. And it was going well, once again. We ate, they went out, they napped--not together, but in different parts of the apartment--we went out again after it briefly rained, and then they were hanging out with me while I was reading blogs when, suddenly, all hell broke loose. Rex was under the desk at my feet, I was in my chair, reading blogs on the computer, and EZ was snoozing behind me. Within seconds Rex was on the move and they were snarling and snapping at each other. I loudly said, "Crates" while clapping my hands to try to startle them and moved between them, which I don't recommend either, but it's what I did in the moment. Rex darted back under the desk while I kept saying, "Crate" in my most commanding voice and steered EZ into her crate. Rex zipped into his crate on his own while whimpering loudly and holding up one paw. Once EZ was secured, I brought him out and checked him all over, starting with the paw he was favoring. It was fine. I don't know what that was all about, but then I noticed his left eye and that his lower eyelid was torn, bleeding, and starting to swell.

I crated him, checked EZ, who was fine, and then took Rex over to Becky's while I called his attorney, who urged me to take him to his vet to have him checked out. I drove him to West Alabama Animal Clinic, which cheered him up immensely, because he got to ride in THE CAR! Regardless, I felt like crap. I had a feeling it was too soon to have them off leash together like that, but did it anyway. I should've been watching them better. I was lured into a false sense of security. On and on, I mentally berated myself until Rex was checked by two doctors. They advised stitching the lid, rather than treating it topically and hoping it healed correctly, so that's what they did. It only took a couple of hours. During the wait I reminded myself that it can take up to a year for a dog to feel comfortable in a new environment, and with everything EZ's been through, and the fact that she's only now able to act like a real dog again after her surgeries, it's like she's a new dog in a new environment all over again. If she stayed with me for another year, something like this could happen again. EZ's not a dog who enjoys loud noises or sudden movements. Rex is nothing but sudden movements. I'm pretty sure he was running to go downstairs, ran past her, and startled EZ and she reacted to it badly. I'm positive neither of them directly attacked the other. Still, I can't help but think of all the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" scenarios. What I should've done to prevent that from happening. Bad foster parent. Bad!

I know I may come off as sounding as though I'm sometimes vying for a position as patron saint to misunderstood dogs, but even I have days where I just don't give a crap. Today (Tuesday) was one of those days, and it started when I woke up. I woke up not so fresh from a dream where I was dating Britney Spears, which explains why I was so tired even though I'd slept for six hours. The entire dream was spent trying to calm her down, because she thought everyone hated her. It was sad, really. So I was tired, feeling down, and didn't really have the energy to deal with the whole Put the leash on EZ, take the dogs out for their morning constitutional, and try to make them like each other and avoid a dog fight thing. Besides, maybe the Britney dream was about me being too much of a control freak about the dogs. Or, maybe it meant I was batshit crazy and had a hot ass. Whatever. I let Rex and EZ out of their crates and said, "Screw it. Come on. Let's go outside."

I'll pause here and say that when it comes to responsible dog ownership and/or when dealing with dogs who have poor social skills I don't advocate the kind of lazy disregard I displayed when I woke up, because it could be hazardous for your dogs and/or yourself.

While clawing at my left eye, because it stung for some reason, perhaps due to allergies or that crazy sun thing that insisted on shining even though I wasn't ready to focus yet, I opened the door and said to the unleashed dogs, "Are you sitting? Oh, who the hell cares? Just go," and watched them race down the drive to the main courtyard where I couldn't see them anymore. I stumbled after them, noting that I couldn't hear any snarling or ripping flesh, so that was probably a good thing, right? By then my left eye had stopped stinging and, as I rounded the corner to the courtyard, I saw EZ peeing on the south lawn and Rex wandering nearby, sniffing at the fence. For all my agonizing about how they might treat each other if I let them off leash at the same time, they appeared to not even care about where the other was and what he or she was doing.

After a while I said, "Come on, dogs. Let's go have break--" and then nearly fell into a cactus when they thundered past me and raced back to the apartment, looking like two dogs who've always been friends. They were waiting for me at my apartment door, sitting together, looking angelic. Rex even sniffed EZ's ear and nudged her a little bit, but she didn't care. We went in, followed the entire eating routine (fix food, lay down, wait, wait, have at it, etc.) and, after answering emails, replying to LJ comments, and all the other stuff I do in the morning, I took them outside again when I repotted some plants and watered everything an hour before it rained today. I was toiling in the backyard near the hedge maze when I realized I had no idea what they dogs were doing and hadn't seen them for quite some time. Bad foster parent! Bad! So I wandered over the grounds and finally found them laying on the south lawn, not a care in the world, and they glanced at me as if to say We're good dogs. Why the hell would you think otherwise? I said, "Carry on," in my best Tim Gunn voice and went back to what I was doing. A minute later I heard sharp barking, the sounds a miffed dog makes right before he tears the ear off of a ten thousand dollar Bionic EZ 2008 model foster dog. I looked to the end of the drive and saw Rex staring over his shoulder with the very miffed expression I anticipated at EZ, who was walking away from him with the La la la...did something happen? casual, meandering affected innocence favored by nine out of ten four year olds who just attempted to copy Picasso's Three Musicians on the bathroom wall using their mother's cosmetics.

I guess she tried to hump him again.

Later, while driving to Starbucks with Rex on my lap--just kidding.

Holy flying crap, Nikki and I won the first LJRunway Mondays competition. Yay! See what "Heidi Gunn" and the LJRunway judges had to say about the designs in the first challenge here.

Now that EZ's been spayed and no longer looks as though she's wearing a legwarmer for a Flashdance audition, Laura wants to include a photo of the new and improved Bionic EZ 2008 model in the next Scout's Honor newsletter and update her adoption listing. With this in mind, and the knowledge EZ needs to go out for walks, I loaded the EZ and my camera into the car and took her to Bayou Bend Park for a photoshoot. For some reason it's been months since I've used my camera, so not all the shots were great, but I posted a few of them to Flickr, which you can view here.

( click here for more boring dog babble )

Welcome to LJRunway Monday!

Dress One: Supermarket Challenge. The challenge was to make a garment from items found in a supermarket.

Inspiration: My first thought was to do something outrageous with a hard rock/arty edge, but then I assumed that might be expected of me, so I decided to simplify and do something sweet and light, instead. Which made me think of Sweet n' Low, which in turn made me think of sugar, which then led me to look at my model, Nikki, and think, She ain't no cupcake. I can't picture her at a tea party. So I challenged myself to make her a dress she could wear to a tea party.

( Wanna see? )

Nikki: (whispering to Timothy) Is that Figaro for real? Let me cut her.

Timothy: Shh!

View my competition here and here. See what the judges have to say here. If you'd like to be a guest judge for an upcoming challenge, talk to "Heidi Gunn".

Note: Comments on this entry are screened until the judges rip our dresses and egos to shreds, and then y'all can have your turn. I can't wait.

Update: I've no idea yet who has won, but I've unscreened the comments for this entry now that I've heard something from each judge.

After a three hour nap on Wednesday morning, I took EZ to her 10:30 AM appointment at SLVS. Her bandages were removed, Dr. Bubenik checked her leg very carefully, and then she grinned. There's nothing better than a grinning veterinarian. She said EZ's leg is healing beautifully and this would be her last appointment, unless something freakishly unexpected happened. Dr. Bubenik walked us out to the lobby--which probably makes it sound like she led me on a leash, but that didn't happen--where she said that day's visit was on the house, and if there's anything she can do in the future for Scout's Honor to please contact her. I thanked her profusely for everything she did for EZ. In the parking lot, when I opened the car door and EZ hopped inside on all four legs, I teared up and laughed as I said, "Good girl!"

When we returned to The Compound I slipped off the leash and let her run around the yard for a little while. She ran across the East Lawn and I was thrilled to see her use her back leg. We've been working at building the muscles around her hip, so it was great to see the hard work is paying off. Dr. Bubenik cautioned that I should slowly build up to long walks, maybe starting off with two twenty minute walks for a week or two, and then ramping that up to three twenty minute walks, or two thirty minute walks, etc. With that in mind, I leashed her again and took her inside, not wanting to undo all the progress that's been made. It's phenomenal when you think about everything that EZ's been through. She fell off the back of a truck, was hit by a car, had a dislocated hip, a severely fractured carpus, had corrective surgery to repair the hip, her front leg has been in a cast since February, and she's had to be crated since then, too.

Which is why it was great to take her with me to L____'s house Thursday when I cleaned. EZ watched me work for a little while, but she's not keen on loud noises or sudden moving objects, so when I moved the furniture in the living room and the vacuum came out, she found a cozy spot in the guest room and took a long nap. I almost forgot she was there, until she came to inspect my work after I polished the hardwood floors. After I polished them again I found her napping on the cool kitchen tile. When I started cleaning that room, she looked at me, obviously annoyed at the noise of microscopic drops of Windex mist hitting nearby surfaces, got to her feet, and shuffled down the hall to the guest room. While I was scrubbing behind the toilet in the guest bath, I fantasized about EZ finally going to the next adoption Meet and Greet and finding the perfect family to take her home with them. If only there were more agoraphobic writers in Houston with fenced lawns.

Hi! I'm Mattel Top Model Nikki, and I'll be appearing on this LJ every Monday over the next few weeks. Maybe you've heard of the fashion reality show Project Runway, which begins its fifth season tonight (9/8 Central) on Bravo. If you haven't, get out from under that rock, okay?

With the help of Timothy (or "Teej" as he's sometimes called by Famous Author Rob Byrnes), I'll be part of the LJ Runway challenge described in this announcement from LJ's own Marika "Heidi Gunn" NOLA. Timothy will be my designer as we complete each week's Project Runway challenge. And you can even be a celebrity judge one week (find out how to apply from Marika's post, linked above).

Oh, there are some other designers, too--this chick and this dude, along with two additional Mattel Top Bitches. But don't worry about them. Just keep your eyes on the prize: Me. That's why I've got this bow on my head. Get it? I'm wrapped up like a present. I'm the prize. Laugh, or I'll cut you, damn it!

See you on Runway Mondays!

In 1985 I was a young lad of whatever age that equates to me being 33 today. I lived on a farm in rural Maine run by two overlords who made me call them "Mom" and "Dad." On July 13th of that year, while every kid I knew was indoors and watching Live Aid on television, I was outside under a grueling sun and being forced to weed a garden the size of a football field. (A similar experience occurred while everyone else in the free world was watching Charles and Diana's wedding.) I dared not complain, though I did allow a fleeting expression of disappointment mixed with annoyance to mar my otherwise resigned facade. The expression, what some might refer to as a grimace, and others might note as being tempestuous, didn't go unnoticed by the overlords, who said I could watch the frivolous concert after the garden had been weeded. Oh, sure, I thought. A once in a lifetime worldwide event. I'll watch it later. Right.

Of course, by the time I was finished with my chores all I managed to witness was the last refrains of "We Are The World."

"Later" finally occurred a couple of years ago when Becky and Mr. Becky gave me the LiveAid DVD for Christmas. Although it's an excellent video, many performances were left off due to lost footage, time constraints, and artists who wouldn't allow their sets to be included. But, thanks to the marvels of YouTube I finally got to see the legendary Bum Note Heard Around The World, which I only heard about after the fact from my friends. Due to the lack of overlords running my life these days, too much time on my hands, and a curious nature, I plundered YouTube for other lost LiveAid moments. My inner extremely repressed child found:

The He's Not Robert Palmer Heard Around The World.
The Shit Heard Around The World
The Superfluous Band Member Seen But Not Heard Around The World
The Not Bruce Heard Around The World
The Original Obviously Planned Wardrobe Malfunction Seen Around The World
The Last Gasps of a Brilliant Recording Career Heard Around The World
The Definitive Mullet Heard Around The World
The Oh Dear God Not This Song Heard Around The World

I got back from a Jack In The Box run. I was kind of hungry because not only did I clean L____'s house today, but I spent an evening crafting with Becky, Lindsey, Rhonda, and Mr. Becky. I wish I could say what we made, but it was top secret craftiness. There was a creative energy in the air that I haven't felt since kindergarten. I'm glad Becky broke out the craft boxes tonight. Good times.

While I was scrubbing behind L____'s guest toilet today I got to thinking about all the people who have written and asked me when the next Timothy James Beck book is coming out. I thought I should probably address it here and say publicly what I've told those people in email. Which is to say that I have no idea. I'm sure that doesn't seem worthy of public mention, but it is because saying that compels me to finally put the ideas that have been forming in my head into an email, send them to my co-writers, and then say, "Is this a start of something? Is it worth turning into a book and, if not, any ideas on how we can build on it?"

Thinking about a plot for a book, cleaning, being crafty and having fun with my friends, it made me hungry. So I went to Jack In The Box, as I said, and I have to ask if I'm the only one who can go to the drive-through at any hour of the night and always get stuck behind a huge line of cars? There's a big curve in the drive-though line and it always looks as though nobody's there, but when I get around the bank of the curve there's always four of five cars ahead of me. I took Rex with me tonight, so at least I had him to talk to while I waited. I almost put the car in reverse, because I didn't want to wait, but the minute I looked behind me, someone else pulled in so I couldn't leave. Bastard. After what seemed like forever, I got my food, my huge Sprite, and I got the hell out of there. I got three sips out of my soda and it wasn't until the last turn onto our street, mere yards from the drive to The Compound, that my soda tipped out of the cup holder and dumped all over the floor of the passenger side, which has never happened to me before. I was furious for about a minute, which was enough for Rex to think he did something wrong, which in turn made me feel bad. But, on the upside, while I was scrubbing the floor of the car later and hosing down the floor mat, I figured out how I could work the whole thing into my book idea.

Score!

I arrived back at The Compound a few minutes ago after a short outing that required I Shout out a bloodstain from the backseat of the car.

Yesterday I dropped EZ off at the Winrock animal clinic where she would be spayed, and I picked her up a little while ago. I thought there was a sheet in the back of the car, but I was mistaken and she bled a little on the upholstery. Luckily, it came out with a liberal amount of Shout and lukewarm water. Ever since I picked her up EZ has been glaring at me. Her expression can only be interpreted as You're responsible for this butchery, Sweeney Tim.

Rex's attorney has informed me that the August Meet & Greet adoption event in the Heights will be on August 2nd. Normally they're held in the morning, but this next event is scheduled for 5PM to 9PM. It's almost as though they thought, How can best accommodate Timothy's schedule and make sure he'll attend? An evening event! Brilliant! But, no, the evening schedule has little to do with me and everything to do with how hot it is during the day in August. Regardless, EZ and I will be there and we hope lots of other people will be there, too.

Yesterday, Becky and I went to Historic Houston's salvage warehouse at 1307 West Clay street. Historic Houston is an organization that promotes preservation of Houston's architectural and cultural resources. They'll try to save historic buildings and, if that's not possible, try to preserve as much of the salvageable materials from the building as they can and sell it in their warehouse to preservation minded people who are looking for wood trim, period fixtures, doors, windows, etc. for their own preservation projects.

In other words, it looked like they'd have a lot of cool crap, so I wanted to check it out. And they did. Cool crap was in abundance. There were sinks, tubs, toilets, hinges, doorknobs, lights, lamp posts, screens, windows, doors, doorway arches, railings, stair rails, switch plates, chair rails, cabinet doors, counters, roof tiles, floor tiles, post cards, and on and on, anything you can imagine. It was a preservationist pack rat's dream. Becky's going to measure her front door, I'm going to measure the medicine cabinet in my bathroom, and we're going to go back soon to see if we can find replacements there.

Today is Independence Day in the United States of America. A few weeks ago I bandied about the idea of gaining independence from my cigarette habit on this day, but now that it's arrived, and given the fact that I've just lit my second cigarette of the day, I'm not sure that's going to happen. It's raining, so I'm going to do what those wise prophets of the Eighties, Milli Vanilli, said and Blame It On The Rain. I think I'm going to celebrate the independence of our nation and historic preservation tonight by going to "Baby River Oaks" and watching The Crow tonight at midnight.

Rex's attorney contacted me a while ago and asked if I'd like a session with Jim Burwell to see if we could figure out how to correct some of EZ's social issues and ready her for adoption. I said something like, Hell yeah! So the appointment was made and today was the day. Of course it rained. I swear that every time Rex's attorney come over it rains. Luckily, like a good omen, the skies cleared just before Jim Burwell parked his Petiquette van in front of our house. Then Laura arrived and it rained again. Just kidding. It didn't.

Jim sat with us for a while, listening to EZ's story, and then talked with us about dogs who enter into new environments and how difficult it can be for them, especially when there are other dogs with already established positions in the pack. I knew a lot of this already, but it was still interesting and I did learn a few new things, mostly about ways the different sexes can interact and behavioral signals. After a long talk we decided to take EZ outside, since it wasn't raining anymore, and have her meet Rex. Jim handled EZ on a long lead--another new thing for me, because I was unaware about lead tension and how a tense lead can trigger anxiety in a dog--and I handled Rex. We started by letting then sniff each other. I held Rex's head so he wouldn't react suddenly and forced him to let EZ check him out, and then we did the same for EZ. Then we walked the dogs toward each other, always keeping the leashes slack, just to see how they'd react to each other. Rex, of course, didn't give a rat's ass about EZ. All he wanted to do was jump on Jim and say hi. No fool Rex. He knew Jim had treats. We kept walking the dogs past each other, then alongside each other for a while. Everything went extremely well, so we took the dog and Rexford show indoors.

Inside, there's less stimulus, smaller spaces, so it was a different scenario. Repeating the process of having them walk past each other, and sometimes having them sit or lay down for treats in close proximities, we learned that EZ's not wild about Rex's sudden movements. Also, she seemed a bit possessive of Jim and his bag o' treats. After figuring this out, we sat down to talk a lot more. I knew it was us as humans who actually need training and I always thought I was a bit of a hardass when it came to the dogs, but it seems there's a lot more I can do, and things I should stop doing, to further assert myself as the leader of the pack and create social order and harmony among the dogs. Most of them revolve around food. Such as, preparing my food and the dog's food at the same time; me eating first, them watching me eat while their food sits in bowls on the counter, then giving Rex his food when I'm done (since he lives here), and then giving EZ her food when Rex is done eating.

There was a lot to take in in such a short time, but we felt a lot better about EZ afterward and her chances of being successful in a new home, especially if I continue to work with her based on what Jim taught us. After Jim left, Rex's attorney and I talked about EZ a bit more and decided she's finally well enough to be spayed, so she made an appointment for that to happen next week. (Which might even mellow her out further.)

There's a long running joke between the Timothy James Beck writers that anyone and anything we write about will cease to exist after our books are published. It's somewhat eerie that The Big Cup, Crossroads Books and Market, Lobo, Anna Nicole Smith, Don Knotts, the Gulf Coast of Mississippi...closed, gone, damaged, etc., and we mentioned them in various books. And that's an impartial list. Coincidence? Yes. We take no responsibility. In chapter two (Susan B. Anthony's Birthday) of THE DEAL Becky and I wrote a scene where Aaron and Alexander go to the YMCA in downtown Houston, whereupon Alexander meets "Blue Shorts" and whacky mayhem ensues. Today I see this headline on my Google homepage: Landmark downtown YMCA to soon face demolition

Another one bites the dust.

Could someone with $38,500,000 laying around buy me Andy Warhol's former townhouse, please? Thanks.

Last night, after an evening jaunt to Walgreen's, I got out of the car to open the gates to The Compound and happened to glance over my shoulder to see Rex staring at me from inside the car. He had moved into the driver's seat. Suddenly, I imagined myself turning in horror in the glare of the headlights and screaming as the Honda was put into gear and squashed me against the gates. Timothy J. Lambert and Rexford G. Lambert star in Whatever Happened to Baby Rex?

This morning, after dragging my butt out of bed entirely too early for my taste, I got out of the car to close the gates to The Compound and then returned to the car afterward to find EZ sitting in the driver's seat. She looked confused. I'm sure EZ was saying, Get in already. It's lunch time, the traffic on I-10 could be hectic, and my appointment at the vet is in 25 minutes. It took me almost a minute to realize what was amiss. I'd opened the door on the passenger side, as if EZ has a driver's license.

That woke me up.

This afternoon EZ had another post carpal arthrodesis evaluation. This time, with radiographs. I didn't get to see them, but apparently the x-rays showed that the joint surfaces in her left carpus have good fusion and everything is healing as planned. Her cast is gone. But she still has to wear bandages for support around her leg and foot. In two to three weeks she'll return for what will hopefully be her last evaluation.

She'll be driving again in no time.

Did anyone out there ever go to 2001 Odyssey?

I've lived in Houston for seven years and I still have to consult a map every time I go somewhere new.