tomato happy cake please s winter shrub s

juice y puddle full of dark gray shine

cold bird why me

& every spring another sweet hard promise

and together easy warm night s

a little dream

i laugh ed with time

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

I found this while doing my routine google search looking for inspiration for an example sentence for the word interrogate. Working for a dictionary, you see.

So many useful things on the internet. So. many.

Before you try interrogation, though, maybe give the family keylogger a go. Family keylogger: because you have a right to know.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

in the wikipedia article on snakes the word ‘hiss’ appears not once.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

This blog’s key phrases used on search engines for the month:

It’s always nice to know what people are looking for on the internet. I hope that I can make this blog a more useful tool for self-realization in the future. I see that “school blowjobs” and “microshit” are very popular. But I would like to see more requests for “aiki blowjobs” and “feather picking vultures.”

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

Your Score: Sad Cookie Cat

85% Affectionate, 48% Excitable, 64% Hungry

You are the classic Shakespearian tragedy of the lolcat universe. The sad story of a baking a cookie, succumbing to gluttony, and in turn consuming the very cookie that was to be offered. Bad grammar ensues.

To see all possible results, checka dis.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

i just bulk moderated a gazillondy spam comments centered around blowjobs:

public blowjobs
school blowjobs
latina blowjob
school blowjob
extreme blowjobs
brunette blowjob
amateur blowjobs
give you a blowjob
anime blowjobs
blowjob mpegs
pamela anderson blowjob
women giving blowjobs
best blowjob
wife blowjob
latin blowjobs fucking
hot blowjobs
college blowjob
facials blowjob
hot blowjob
blowjob video

how can you post so many links to so many different types of blowjobs and leave out so many? where are “underaged thai hooker blowjob,” “trying really hard to give myself a blowjob” and “christ, if somebody would please just give me a blowjob i might not blow up all these infidels with my backpack”?

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

I still feel like a bag full of cats, but something really cool happened tonight.

I went to Aikido, and two people from my old dojo in Atlanta were there. I saw Matt first and thought, “Really? No, must be his doppelganger or something.” And then I saw Soy and also wasn’t sure it was her. But when we paired up for the chicken wing technique I asked. I said, “Is it you?” And she said, “Yes.”

It’s so weird; I mean, Aikido ends up being kind of a small world in the end. But God, I hadn’t seen Matt in like seven years and didn’t expect to unless I was stateside.

To be fair though, Soy lived in Barcelona a bit before I had moved here and was training. But isn’t that also weird that she ended up at my dojo in Atlanta? We totally switched places.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

i would like to say i’m having the shittiest last couple of weeks, but it wouldn’t be the complete truth. what would be the truth is that i’ve been wafting in and out of the most extreme moods ever. and said and done some wacky shit, that at the time either seemed hilarious or felt excrutiatingly cringe-ful, or both, one followed by the other.

and i’ve come to realize something that i never thought that i would accept. never. something from my past that i refused to regard as true in any way. but it turns out it is true. and i have to do something about it.

however, reading these other people’s stories makes me both more and less terrified. and incredibly uneasy.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

Yesterday morning Ivan and I were awoken with a pounding on the door. It started as a friendly little knock and when the greasy Moroccan mangies felt they’d ascertained that no one was home they proceeded to begin trying to bash the door in, perhaps with a baseball bat or a crowbar. Ivan got up but didn’t want to confront them with only his pelotas, so in the end he would only be able to identify them by their distinctive backs, which is what he saw as they fled down the street. Thank god he was here, because by the time I got my sluggish nakedness out of bed, they’d have already broken down the door and I don’t even have any pelotas. Just a terrifying tumorous beer belly and a horrified look to give anyone trying to march off with my livelihood.

In other news, I am a sadsack. In all of the senses you can think of for that.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

that I began stealing rolls of toilet paper from public restrooms.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

It wasn’t long after Kurt passed on that we had the odd caller in the middle of the night. That almost never happens around here. But I had to get up because Mrs. Drinkwater just pulled the covers over her head and turned her back to me. Anyways, I shuffled out to the door and, sure enough, it was Kurt.
“Wow,” I go. “It’s you!”
“You were expecting someone else?” he asks.
“No, but I mean, you know, why me? Why not Madonna?”
“My request was to visit with the most pathetic writer in the nation on the way out. They sent me here. We probably don’t have much time either. So if you want me to autograph something you’d better get it quick.”
Who would have ever “thunk” it?
“Oh man!” I go. “I don’t have any copies of anything anymore but God Bless You, Doctor Kevorkian.” And I don’t even know where to begin looking for it. Maybe it’s downstairs, are you sure you can’t come back?”
He lifts both brows. “Are you kidding?”
“Sorry,” I mumble. “So I’m the most pathetic, eh? Why me? Aren’t there some guys out there writing whose native language isn’t English? Surely one of them is more pathetic than me!”
“Nope,” he says. “You’re it. Too bad, but it isn’t the worst thing, you know. You could look into new possibilities maybe. You could volunteer to help out some down at the local Fire Department, for example.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re out of the whole mess.”
This was probably said with a little self-pity I realized too late.
“Oh come on,” Kurt fires back. “Your turn is coming. Don’t rush it. When it does come it won’t matter anyways.”
He stopped there and waited me out.
“Okay,” I go. “Why?”
“Well, time is different when you’re outside of it. You knew I tried to kill myself back in ‘84?”
“Yeah, I heard.”
“Okay, well now that I’m actually here it doesn’t make any difference that I lived those extra years. Don’t ask me to explain, it’s complicated.”
“Like your plots, eh?”
He actually looked a bit piqued. He said.
“You’re the one who gets the visit from the ghost.”
“Hey, well what do you expect? ‘Most pathetic’ writer in the nation? Give me a break.”
“Yeah, I imagine it’s kind of tough.” He said this with a whiff of genuine sympathy, so immediately, I felt slightly better. Then he goes on.
“Which brings us to the reason for my visit,” he goes. “You remember The Sirens of Titan? Remember that the entire history of planet earth was sort of a smoke signal between aliens, how when the message was finally deciphered it was the most innocuous thing possible? Okay, that is all true. Or, at least for you it is.”
I was aghast. After a minute I asked.
“You saying that my whole life means like, ‘have a nice day!’ Or something like that?”
“Worse,” he goes. Kurt’s basset hound face really did become inexpressibly sad now. He cleared his throat and said…
“It means, ‘Aww shit!’”

What’s eating Elmoe?

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

if you have several extra hours, read all the comments here.

the heart and gist of the problem is this:

violently different worldviews. one guy’s walking around in the world, looking at shit and thinking, “gosh that’s neat. how does it work? could it work better? i wonder what i could make out of that?” another guy’s walking around in the world and thinking, “there’s that guy over there doing something interesting. can i appropriate it for me and mine? can i SELL it? are you for sale? what about your wife? your mom? yes, good. what next? and what next? and what next?”

al gore, bless the dude, has been working to frame the environmental debate as a moral issue; i think this is a moral issue as well. the us has been overwhelmed by a philosophy as dangerous an unwieldy as any when not kept unchecked, and left to its own devices all it will do is feed mindlessly and incessantly, burrowing holes along through the world like a hot blind white grub. it is not true that the free market causes and allows the cream to rise to the top. it only and always seeks a profit and not even in its own best interest.

what’s the problem here? microsoft sucks. windows sucks. a lot. they’d like me to buy a ready-made, one-size-fits-all computer from one of their business partners, put together, sealed and bundled and assume that i will never want to open it (voids my warrantly as well: seal broken) and tinker inside, or modify it’s operating system, or whatever. omg, technology is so mysterious! so frightening! leave it to the experts. headache? doctor, new pills. oil change? somebody else will do it for you. can’t cook? tv dinners.

i’m switching to linux. the linux community’s reached a critical mass and it’s no longer just for those who can get completely inside their computers and live there; they’re going to provide something mostly ready-made for those of us who need it, it’s going to be much better quality than microshit, and in the end it’ll take much less of our time and efforts to make it work for what we need it for than trying to wade through microsoft’s poorly written and unstable bullshit and make it function well enough to halfway trust.

fucking wikinomics, dudes.

except i need adobe programs. somebody please hack that soon.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

Al Qaeda threatened Spain in a video placed online Monday. A hooded man said, “Spain has deceived its public by withdrawing its troops from Iraq and sending another 600 to Afghanistan.” Catalans complain most about their mobile phones and their rents and mortgages, and Portal de l’Angel is the most expensive commercial street of Barcelona and the second most expensive in all of Spain, with rents of 2,160 and 2,400€ per square meter and year. Vía Laietana is Barcelona’s “Chicagotown.” Traffic on the Rambla will be limited by the end of the month to authorized vehicles, which includes buses, taxis, and vehicles parking in the area, and a short circuit that affected RENFE’s servers on Monday brought chaos to the rail system all over Spain: the company was left without any computer service for 45 minutes according to RENFE and hours according to RENFE passengers. Federico Cámara los three points off his driver’s license for using his cell phone while riding his bike in Madrid.

The eighth Latin American film festival in Lleida will include special screenings dedicated to 1920’s-1940’s Mexican porn, and an illegal cockfighting farm was found in Zona Franca breeding over 400 birds for fighting. The preparation of a bird for fighting involves feather-plucking, crest-amputation, filing down of its spurs and rubbing vinegar on its chest to produce a more attractive rosy tone. Dolce & Gabbana has said it will stop advertising in Spain to protect its creative freedom after being forced to withdraw an ad featuring a bare-chested man pinning a woman down by her wrists while two other men look on passively. Between 5,000 and 8,000 children are forced into prostitution every year in Spain, and the Partido Popular of Extremadura denounced a publishing house for having published two books of “Catholic porn.”

The Heritage Committee of the Jewish Community of Barcelona has been fighting for over six months to protect the Jewish Cemetery on top of Montjuïc. It was used from the 9^th to the 14^th centuries, contains over 700 graves, and is one of Europe’s oldest and largest, but although the Generalitat has announced itself favorable to the declaration of the cemetery as a cultural landmark trucks are currently digging up the site. A 49-year-old man set fire to his house in Vigo and then waited for the firemen to arrive as he smoked a cigarette near the building. According to the agents, he had “reduced mental faculties.” The Generalitat’s Environment ministry has placed a ban on lighting fires in Catalonia’s forests from March 15 to October 15, and Pedro Duque, the first Spanish astronaut, alerted us to the danger of the asteroid Apophis, which will pass very close to the earth in 2029 and could cause catastrophic damages to the planet. Duque believes that this asteroid could hit earth in 2036, producing an enormous tsunami. Aigües de Barcelona has been given permission to create the beverage brand “Torre Agbar.” I got a job.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.

The good weather has brought an early plague of insects and rats, and an elderly woman was discovered to have collected over 6,000 kilos of trash in her home that she had collected from public waste containers in El Prat. The widow, nicknamed Huertica, was entered into a psychiatric center for Diogenes syndrome, and Silvia, who works in a workshop near Huertica’s home, said, “When the kids got out of school they would throw rocks at her, but she also did the same.” The Partido Popular of the City Hall of Barcelona requested on Monday that the access to recycling containers be improved for the handicapped; only 157 glass recycling containers, or 6.6% of the total are accessible for the movement-impaired, and City Hall has said that one third of the pet stalls can stay on the Rambla and another third can stay if they change their business. A program to reintroduce vultures to Catalonia got underway with the release of four black vultures into the wild, and there were alerts in half of Catalonia on Thursday due to gusts of hurricane force wind.

In April Barcelona will welcome “cybertaxis” with a computer screen in the backseat and internet connectivity, but almost half of Catalans have never connected to the internet. 53% of the young people in the Raval never graduated high school, and according to a study released on Tuesday, this demonstrates “a situation of social and laboral vulnerability.” Becoming a mileurista would be progress for more than half of Catalan women; 52% earn less than 1,000€ a month. Reportedly, Lleida spends 48,000€ a year to clean graffiti. The Generalitat is planning to expropriate 7 properties and 3 plots of land in Ciutat Vella that are considered abandoned to create public housing, and the Catalan government announced yesterday that 80% of citizens will be exempt from the estate tax. The measure will especially affect the inheriting of homes from parents to children or between married couples. Catalonia Today noted the resemblance between the official photo of José Montilla released this week and Seinfeld’s George Costanza.

On Wednesday, a 65-year-old Caldes d’Estrac man threatened his 62-year-old wife with a knife in front of their daughter in the middle of the street and then began to beat her with a hammer. Thrombotargets, a Catalan company, has discovered a protein that, when applied to a wound, stops the bleeding in only a few seconds. The regional train that runs from Portbou to Barcelona suffered a half-hour delay on Wednesday because the driver wasn’t feeling well, and it took RENFE a half hour to find another driver. Pharmacies are missing some of the drugs they normally stock because of a new law that regulates the prices of pharmaceuticals and affects one out of every four prescriptions, which is great for consumers but not so much so for the pharmacies who will have to sell their existing stock at a lower price, and Antonio B.H., the 30 year-old-man who killed his mother in 2004 by stabbing her 68 times, declared on Monday that he acted out of a cocaine-induced psychosis and said that he killed his mother because she didn’t want to consume the cocaine that he had offered her. Last year’s serial killer of Spanish grandmothers Remedios S.S. was judged to be “absent of signs of an active mental illness” and her personality to be “free of pathology.” Happy Spanish “Día de la Mujer.”

Originally published at Catatonia Today. Please leave any comments there.