be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes

As I stand on the mountaintop, as the great bird approaches, she is small in my sight, but grows larger on approach until I am blessed with the full sight of her graceful wings, proud countenance and good company. All too quickly, she grows small again on the horizon and disappears from view. And I call out, "Look, there. She's gone." But there are other mountaintops beyond me. And at the precise moment when I note the great bird's departure from my view, I know there are new eyes taking up the sight of her. And fresh voices calling out, "Here she comes!"

"It shouldn't take four months of being with someone to realize that you don't like someone else. You should know long before that if you want to be with me", she said trying to push back thoughts of patterns of her past.

"It didn't take me four months to figure out I like you," he said, sounding frustrated with her.

"Look", she said defeated, "I don't want to be someone's second choice. I've been there before. I don't want you settling for me because you can't have what you really want."

"Would you let me finish!?" he interrupted with a new-found passion.
"I DO want to be with you. You are the one I want; you're not second choice."

Perhaps a little unfairly, she replied, "Today, maybe. What about last week, or tomorrow?"

"No!" he said firmly. "I want you. It didn't take me four months to figure out that I want to be with you.. It took me four months to figure out.."

-"what? Figure out what?"

"That I love you."

"..."

"..."

"Did you just say that?"

"Yes."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Say it again?"

"I love you."

"Wow."

"..."

"I love you, too."

Proceed with tears
--------------

Not sure how I got here.. But I'm not looking back anymore.

Last night at work, a crisis call came in around 1030pm. After about 30 minutes, the woman on the other end of the phone said,

"Thank you for listening to me, and talking with me for this long. You don't know me, and you have no reason to care about me.. but you do, and I'm not sure why. I'm an addict, and I won't promise anyone a thing.. but I want you to know that you just saved me from going out tonight. I might go out tomorrow night, but for tonight, I'm staying home. Know that you've saved my life, for one night."

She thanked me and hung up the phone..


..and all I could hear was your voice ringing in my ears.

and I couldn't help but smile.

today is my birthday.

already, i got an unexpected gift. thank you.
it's been a dream of mine for a while.

i'm super stoked about tonight - fbomb has a night of surprises in store for me! :D

Guys.. I'm happy. Legit. Healthy. Non-dependant. Happy.

I have to say, it doesn't feel like I thought it would.. but maybe that's because I never thought I would ever really feel "happy"

I can't understand why I look for drama with you.

I smooth everything over with everyone else, to the best of my ability.. and I'm told I'm doing a good job of that. But with you, I just can't! Maybe it's because you're a part of my past, as well. And these new people are, well, new.

But.. Today you hurt me. And I can't just smooth it over.
I'm sorry.. no I'm not.. I just don't know what to do about this.



Sometimes, this time, I feel so utterly alone that it physically hurts.

To go, or not to go... to Alberta

That.. that is a very interesting question

So I've been hiding some troubles I've been having inside... and I haven't been telling you about them. I didn't want to come off as a bitch, or a nag, or a really negative person or anything. I don't want to be anything like I was in my past - I HATE the person I became. But.. I think I went a little too far with that. So.. we had a talk.

We've spoken about things before that have bothered each of us, and this is the first time where I've been with someone where they actually listen to how I feel, and make really visible efforts meet me halfway. I was afraid that I hadn't done the same for him, so I asked. He said that I hadn't met him half way. At this point, I was so disappointed in myself and just said, "Oh". Which followed with, "You've come completely over to my side". It was such a switch in gears that I let out a tiny squeek lol. He said that it made him a little uncomfortable to be affectionate in public. Now I'm not talking making out or anything serious, just like, holding hands, a kiss here and there, arm around my waist etc. Now, I'm a really affectionate, mushy, touchy person and I come from a really mushy relationship before this one, so it was really hard for me to let that go. But.. I really did try and realize that he was not like me, or like any previous boyfriends, and that was just how he was comfortable. So, I stopped. And yesterday he tells me that he realized that maybe he didn't want me to stop.. that he realized he really did enjoy when I would randomly come up and kiss him and squeeze his arm, or whatever!

I think I'm really reveling in the small things this time around. Maybe it's because all the big things are in order. He is so good to me.. He's never made me cry (other than when we talk about him leaving :( ), my family absolutely LOVE him. Hell, they let him sleep over for goodness sake! That is huge for me.

Sometimes I think that he's really dense.. and he just doesn't get it. And then we talk, like yesterday, and he says something like, "Well, I have to respect how you feel if you're coming to me to tell me these things, and I have to try to meet you in the middle". Like, WHAT?! Where does that amazing sentiment come from?! He just surprises me so bad sometimes, and it makes the times when I think, "Are you kidding me?! How can you NOT get this?!" obsolete lol

Everyday is something new... I will never never know what's going to happen on any given day. Now sometimes I hate that.. but in the end.. it's a constant learning of someone. And I really love that. Just when I think I have him figured out.. he does something so out of the ordinary and it just makes me smile.

And apparently we're not breaking up when he leaves for the Navy.. Unless I want to. "I want you to be my girlfriend whether I'm here or half-way across the world". I really thought he was going to break up with me when he left. I'm still shocked that he wasn't planning on it.

I've never known a feeling like this before.. I'm not sure what it is just yet, but I think i'm gonna stick around and find out ;) heh

"It's not paranoia if someone actually is out to get you"


Interesting to know that my fears were almost realized.
Even more interesting - the only reason they weren't is because of you.

Irony, maybe? I dunno.

What I do know, is I'm not naive anymore.
And I hate you for that.

That was one of my favourite qualities.

So, I've had two interviews for the WMS at Pinewood in the 'Shwa and now they're checking my references. They talked to Cindy already, who obviously gave me the most kick-ass reference I've ever had in my NATURAL BORN LIFE!! She is getting a huge bouquet of flowers for this one. Lori still needs to call her back, though. She's leaving at 5pm today so I hope that happens before 5 pm! THIS COULD BE MY JOB!

First and only interview I've had and I might just get it. HOW AMAZING IS THAT?!




Holy Cow.

despite everything... i still want to fix your broken spirit..

how sick am i?

Zoe,

I hope you know that you are loved. I know it's not possible for you to know that I think of you every day.. but I like to think that on some magical level.. you can feel it. On days like today, I miss you so much that I can't help but sob. I'm not sure how you made me fall in love with you.. but I fell hard. It pains me to know that I have missed your first wobbley step, your first mangled word, your first gummy smile.

I hope you are loved where you are. I hope you are spoiled. I hope you learn to be humble and giving. I hope you become everything you want to become.

I love you, from the bottom of my heart.

Me

So, yet again, I'm confused!
Who knew... pff.

It seems I don't know how to interact with others in a proper manner.
I go all wiggity-wack.

When I'm with someone, I want to be with them a lot. Especially at the beginning. I need to get that close connection before I can be really comfortable, and progress to the level where I can be apart from them for a week or 2, and still feel like I'm connected to them. Right now, I feel about as close to you as I do to.. well, let's not go there.

I don't want to be with him everyday all day. But maybe 2 or 3 times a week would be nice... not one day a week for an evening. If that makes me clingy, then I'm clingy. But I don't think it does.

The thing that really bothers me, is when we have plans, and I look forward to them all week, and then you cancel on me. For work. For cadets. For friends in need. I get that you're a busy guy. I get that you're a great friend. But I need some time, too.

I know I said I wanted to miss you, but I didn't mean this. It's starting to make me more sad than happy. I don't want to lose you, but I won't wait around for my scheduled weekly appointments with you. I just can't do that.


Fix it... like you said you would?
Please.

do not tell me you are there for me, that i can call you if i need you, that i can always talk to you, if you don't mean it

if you say you're going to be there.. BE THERE

don't pick and choose what i can talk to you about



I feel terrible

I am buzzing to do something amazing.
I have all this positive energy.. and I have no idea where to put it.

I really need to figure this out.. because everything I can and want to do, is being wasted.

some things really never change

fuck you

losing what we had
was the best thing that could have happened to the both of us




i sincerely hope you're as happy as i am :)

Instructions:
01) Bold what is true about you.
02) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
03) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
04) Underline what is half true.
05) Tag five LJ friends.

( mememememe )