Sort of Like a Religion<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

   I’ve been thinking that Attachment Parenting feels like a religion to me.  It has a set of beliefs, a basic philosophy, desired practices and desired behaviors, a community, organizations to support the community, gurus, and missionaries who feel compelled to proselytize.   This might not be the college dictionary definition of religion.  But I think it kind of fits my purposes here…so there!

   I’m Jewish and in America there are three basic well-known camps of Jews.  First, there are the Orthodox Jews.  On the whole, these people take the Torah quite literally.  They follow all the laws.  They usually LOOK different from the general public.  There are the conservative.  These folks are more infiltrated into society, but they still follow many Jewish laws.  The Reform Jews is the category in which I fall.   We’re the heathens of the group.   Some of us follow some of the laws….uh, when we feel like it.  We believe in G-d, well usually.  When we’re feeling atheist, we wonder if we’re still Jewish.  Then a friend pipes up, “Well you’d be Jewish enough for Hitler!” 

   I think attachment-parenting folks can be divided into the same groups.  You have the Orthodox Attachment Parents.  These people you can spot right away.  They have long uncut hair and wear no make-up.  Their born-at-home children wear  homemade clothes made out of organic cotton and are carried in handmade slings.   These children breastfeed until they’re ready to stop…this might be when they’re three.  It might be when they’re eight.   They sleep with their parents.  Their penis is uncut…unmutilated (as their mothers would say).  They’re not vaccinated.  They don’t go to school.  They wear cloth diapers (made out of organic cotton of course).  They don’t eat any refined sugars.  Most of what they eat is grown in their organic backyard garden.  These Orthodox Attachment Parents follow all the “laws” of attachment parenting.

   Then we have the Conservative Attachment Parents.  These people LOOK like the general public.   You won’t know they are AP until you get into a deep conversation with them.  They don’t follow all the AP laws, but they do follow quite a few.  It’s kind of like a salad bar.  You choose this and ignore that.

   The reform attachment parents follow one or two aspects of attachment parenting.  They might breastfeed, co-sleep, use a sling, but besides that are pretty mainstream.   I think many AP families start like this (ours did) and then as the children get older, they move into the conservative area.  When my son was an infant, we were just a family who happened to co-sleep, breastfeed, and use a sling.   Not too huge of a deal when you have a baby.  Now we’re a family that co-sleeps with an almost three-year old, breastfeeds that almost three-year old,  plans to homeschool, and questions hospital births, etc.  We’ve exited the “Well, that’s a different way to parent” category and entered the “Oh, you guys are WEIRD category”.  

   Now I think the way AP really represents a religion is the way the three groups view each other.   As a Reform Jew, I have very mixed feelings about Orthodox Jews.   I strongly admire them, but at times feel they are too extreme.  Sometimes, I am embarrassed to be associated with them and will reassure my gentile friends, “Oh we’re not like THOSE people.”  Of course, if a gentile friend tries to criticize them, I’m easily offended and quick to defend.    I laugh at them, but sometimes want to be them.  It seems like it would be easier to just take strong stand and not be so wishy-washy.   I look at them and wonder how they feel about people like me.  Do they consider me Jewish?  Yes, I know they do.  But are they ashamed of me?  Do they think I’m a sell-out?  A failure?  A heathen? 

   And with the Orthodox AP community…I feel exactly the same.  I strongly admire them, but at times I feel they are too extreme.  I am often embarrassed to be associated with them and will reassure my mainstream friends.  “Oh we’re not like THOSE people.  We use disposable diapers.  And of course, we’re going to wean Jack before he’s seven.  Gross!”  Of course, if a mainstream friends tries to criticize one of the granola folks, I am easily offended and quick to defend.  I laugh at these fanatic AP moms, but sometimes wish I could be like them.  Being caught in the middle of mainstream and granola-heads can drive a person batty.  It seems like it would be easier to be at one of the extremes.   I look at these Orthodox AP parents and wonder what they think of me.   Are they ashamed of me and my disposable diapers?  What if they saw my son’s circumcised penis?  Do they think I’m AP?  Is breastfeeding a 34 month-old enough for them or does my epidural disqualify me?

   So like in religion, we have our levels of observance.   And like in religion, we have conflict and competition within the community.  Yet, if we feel threatened by an outsider, we quickly unite.  So, what you don’t vaccinate!  So, what you weaned your child at seventeen months!  Together we will fight against Ezzo, Dobson, and their evil armies.   Later, we’ll argue about our differences.

   If you didn’t know… Ezzo and  Dobson (and a few others) are the demons of attachment parenting.   Us AP parents hate them and speak out against them.  Oh, and they speak out against us.   We have our angels too-or Gurus if you prefer.  There’s William Sears.  He is known as the Father of Attachment Parenting…kind of our like our version of the Pope.  And sometimes just as controversial.  Some Catholics think the Pope is too strict and some think he is a sell-out.  Same with Sears.  Some AP parents see him as being too pushy about breastfeeding and some others are disgusted that he had formula advertisements on his websites.   So, since we can’t all agree to love Sears, we have other gurus to help satisfy our need for guidance.  There’s Jay Gordon, Meredith Small, Katherine Dettwyler, Elizabeth Pantley, etc.  

One way that AP is more like the Christian religion than the Jewish one is our intense need to proselytize.  Christians used to drive me nuts with all their damn witnessing.   I wanted to scream at them (and probably did a few times) you have your beliefs.  I have mine.  Leave well enough alone!”  But most Christians believe you need to believe in Jesus to get to heaven.  They only push their beliefs down our throat because they have our best interests at heart.   If they didn’t believe strongly enough to push their believes, do they really believe that strongly and if they don’t believe that strongly why the hell are they going to Church every Sunday in the first place?  Huh?   Kind of the same with breastfeeding.   We push it because we believe (and we have science backing us up, not faith) it is best for the babies.  If we don’t push it, doesn’t it mean it’s not that important and if it’s not that important how am I going to defend myself when someone tells me to go breastfeed my baby in the dirty bathroom?

   Oh and there’s a debate us Jews like to torment Christians with.  “Do you believe I’m going to Hell because I don’t believe in Jesus?”  If they’re honest, they answer yes.  “Even if I’m a really good person.  Even if I never commit a crime?”

   “Yes, sorry.”

   “Okay, let me get this straight.   So, you would think Anne Frank is going to hell?

   “Yes, I guess so.  Sorry.”

   “Anne Frank is going to Hell.  But some child molester who has raped twenty kids and brutally murdered them will get to heaven because he believes in Jesus?”

   They won’t admit it, but we have really stumped them.

   The mainstream parents try to stump us in the same way.  “Do you think moms that can breastfeed, but choose not to are bad moms?

   “Well, not exactly, but….I don’t know.  Why did they choose not to breastfeed?  Why would they want to put their baby at risk that way?”

   “Let’s say the mom is a great mom.  She spends time with her kids.  She loves them.  She reads to them every night.  She adores them.  But because she doesn’t breastfeed, she is a bad mom.  Is that what you think?

   “No, I didn’t say that.  I just don’t understand why….”

   “Really, what is the big deal about breastfeeding?  Children are abused, raped, starved to death, sold to crack addicts, and auctioned off on Ebay.  And you’re so hung up on this breastfeeding thing.”

   And then we ARE stumped.  Breastfeeding is so damn important, but is it that important in the scheme of things?  And if it’s not THAT important, how am I going to defend myself when people say “If he’s old enough to ask for it, he’s too old to have it.”  How do I defend my refusal to buy a Nestle Crunch Bar?  It gets so confusing.  Like the Christian who asks himself, “Can I still respect…can I still be friends with someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus?”  Us AP people have to ask ourselves “Can I respect someone who let’s their baby CIO.  Can I still be friends with someone who spanks their children?”   And the Christian must ask, will my heathen friends accept me- the Jesus freak.   Can they accept my bible quoting and Church meetings?  My chastity?  My alcohol-free and no-dancing allowed weddings?  How about my serpent handling and the speaking in tongues?  The AP parent will ask of his mainstream friends.  Can they accept our breastfeeding four-year-old?  Can they accept our cloth diapers?  Our homeschooling?  How about our family bed?

   I guess I’ve been talking mostly about the negative aspects of religion.  The inner strife, the alienation, the confusion, the disenchantment, etc…So, I’ll conclude with the positive.   Religion (I include AP here) gives our lives meaning.  It helps us make moral decisions (although sometimes the morality gets a little mangled and distorted).  It gives us purpose.  It helps us know how to live our lives.   It teaches us new things and helps us make sense of the old.   It embraces us in a community of people who are like-minded and teaches us to be tolerant and accepting of those outside the community.   If followed in a healthy way, religion (and I include AP here) can make us better people