So I had a crazy weekend.

This week and weekend is so much work and so much everything. The funny thing is that having work and going to work are completely different. The life I lead is alot of times is work after work and answering only phones at work. Most days is greeting guests and answering the phones. Nothing more nothing less. The last few days had been very trying since wow I have work! haha. Now I have work after work and lately I haven't had as much but it makes me want to quit the democratic party structure. In fact that is my intention. I like working and know the insider info but I need to have a life of my own again.
On the BF front I have one now, however a strange thing occurred this weekend he proposed after only 2 months of being together. I had to say no since well he lives in SF and he wanted me to move there and I don't want to quit my job. I would consider eventually but to be married when you don't know if you can stay married and if it will be legal. I do love him though enough to get married yes however it is too soon. If he were to ask me again in a year I would say yes. I told him as much and then we made love and all things in the world seemed simple and happy again. I hope we're still together then. Life has surprises and I hope that Tim is going to be one of them .

Well Gay Marriage is here in California and I can't help that this is the predicament that we are in is a bitter battle back and fourth. First with prop 22 banning legislativly gay marriage it was one of the first times in history that we voted to remove rights in California and in that election I was disgusted. But at the same time I didn't know if we were ready as a state to accept gay marriage. That very fact was highlighted in the court case Lawrence V Texas in which the 2003 supreme court decision struck down sodomy laws as unconstitutional since it invaded privacy and did not include civil rights or equal rights as a consideration. For the first time in American History it was not illegal to have Gay Sex. Removing sex aside which is a triumph but not the issue this is an issue about equality not sex. Equality was always hard fought may it be racial, sexual, religous or other.

more to come later

So I figuired something out in my life as long as it's not drama I am happy. The way that my life works is happy times are the times between the drama and the input I put out there creativly via livejournal or stickam or youtube where I am acting or showing up is half the problem and half the solution. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. But I feel normal again not anything just meh. I'm ok with me and with my new bf and just be content.

So today is Gay Marriage day or Equal Marriage day (that’s what I’m calling it. ) I think I might go to city hall and watch the protests and counter protesters. I hope it will be interesting as the one in San Francisco since there was a bunch of protersters and people in support of Gay Marriages. I brought my camera and everything I hope I capture something. I actually teared up a little when I watched the marriage at Beverly Hills city hall. I wonder if I could get married one day. I’m not sure how I feel since I made a video saying I don’t support gay marriage or at least the name. I think that heterosexuals and homosexuals have the right to be with each other and it shouldn’t be something that should even be controlled by the government. I’m not sure.

So I haven't really been posting on here for along time and the reason for that is that I have had to go to, to many places. The one good thing is that I think I might have a man to look forward to. His name is Tim he works with me with the democratic party is rich handsome tall hung intersting (intellectually) skinny scruffy but can clean up and as about boring as a 7-11 burrito. This at first was a problem since well he was boring. Then I realized that he was probably nervous. This was actually true he is kinda like NPR kinda intersting intersting but not at all exciting. I honestly don't need exciting anymore. He's like Canada safe bland, nice, and clean. He bikes alot which is cool and he's loaded. He doesn't work because of something I'm not sure what but enough money to not have to work and to fly me up to the Bay area when I want. The sex is honestly amazing the problem is that the condoms well are too small. I've never had a porno star status person before I've had big but he tops them honestly for someone I don't plan on screwing only once. I hope he doesn't read that haha. Well I have to do some work so yeah.

So I was snubbed and it stings alot more then I actually let on. I know I have both my parents but I know it's them never caring about anything(other then hitting me). when people abandon me it just hurts it makes me feel useless and I don't know what to do. There were many time sin my life where people have done things without me and it stung. And there there were the times that people though I couldn't do things and I did it. I hate being doubted and I hate when I'm not included. But just knowing that all my other friends doing things without me and learning that I'm not actually included as a friend. This includes jilted weddings in which I am miles away. I think I should just withdraw and never do anything again I'll just get hurt again or my bf will die again life goes on just not with me.

I finally feel at home for some reason I couldn't when I was living with my parents. They were always awful to me at the worst of times but dreadful almost deadly at the worst of times. There are the days that they try to burn me or completely ignore me as the good days. The bad days are the days that they tried to chase me with a burning stuck or the stick to clean the pool and hitting me so hard that I passed out in a pool of my own vomit of blood.

I am home now sitting in Glassell Park living with a co-worker and their family. This is the first time someone is looking out to where I 'm going just general interest if I'm here (so not to file a a missing persons report). They care and that's a whole lot more then my family does. I mean we're dysfunctional on the best day. I think the only time I am functional with my family is at funeral because they don't constantly insult each other like normal. Plus there are other people other then other abusive family members. I'm still dysfunctional to my roommate her husband and kids because I just don't know how to function in this kind of relationship.

The Love of a Sandwich

The woman ashen faced stood towards the train tracks. The train tracks were barren to the people; all were cold with steam occasionally billowing from behind the muffled masses. A man startled at a sound started running from the parking lot toward the ashen-faced woman. This man looked to be in his late 50’s tall and possibly very handsome in his youth. Age did wither his looks and made him far from homely. He stood at six feet tall the grey streaks in his hair combined with the wrinkles and glasses made him resemble a distinguished gentleman mixed with an English bulldog. The folds in his face mixed with dark sunspots told a story of rough living, which contrasted with his current appearance in a light business suit, matched with a long warm pea coat.

The woman was much the same. Her looks had not depreciated the overall effect and she may have not been as flattering as she had in her youth her. She was still as shapely as she had been. A passerby would occasionally mistake her for younger person from behind. She had long flowing wavy hair. Dark as midnight and twice as silky. Her stance was one of defiance to the cold not huddled as the other potential train riders but strong, proud, statuesque. Her eyes were droopy sleep was still burrowed in them. Her vacant eyes were focused on the train clutching her bag, as it was a forgone security blanket.

He saw her and gasped the recognition simple and true. The look of longing was the truth and they were soon huddled in the cold as the sun peeked in and out of the hazy morning marine layer. Southern Californian winters inspired gloomy tales. Some would say it reminds them of London’s thick soupy messes but the trained observer would know otherwise from the Spanish architecture and the unforgiving traffic. That is what made these two meet. Hours of loneliness and frustrations on the freeways had forced them on the train.

Ya know I don't know if it's me or what but I do think that vlogging and blogging is an expereince that is somewhat theraputic. I know that it's not really but I can type something fun or intersting and even though people cal see it I don't seem to care. I know that some people are watching me but I'm not sure who it is. I'm not sure this asture kind of communication is sorta lonely. Some times I feel abandoned I feel that way today all funny weird. I dunno what I'm talking about really.

My priest told me once that I there had to be one of the three m’s if there was to be a peaceful society you either have masturbation get married or you get molestation!

I was raised Catholic converted to Judaism So now I can guilt you to be cheap.

When I first made it with a girl (I’m gay by the way) she said aww it’s so cute. This is not what you want to hear about when someone is talking about your genitals.

I love how I’m on stickam and they say LOL but you can see them not lolling. Or are they LOLing inside.

When you’re on a video chat and someone says Laugh out Loud and you can clearly see that they are not lolling .

Do you ever laugh at someone and you don’t know why and it’s at the worst time like a moment of science and the more you hold it in the more it comes out as a snort?

You ever think to yourself that Sailor moon would be hot in bed and then realize that she supposed to be 16 does that make you a pedophile or just a perv?

Do you know what Sailor moon. I know we’re both nerds

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and the bartender says why the hell do you have a steering wheel in your pants. The pirate response yeah its driving me nuts.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive? Ankles

How do you make a blonds eyes twinkle put a flashlight into her ears

Never go to a Leather bar and ask for the drink Golden Showers.

If there is a legal bookstore why isn’t’ there an illegal book store?

You ever see that youtube thing where uninteresting people upload videos and then are laughed at by other uninteresting people? Yeah I laugh at them too.

I’m fat but do you want to know how fat am I? A homeless guy on the street offered me money on the street and said I looked like I needed to do something for food.

Look I’m Asian and we just aren’t good drivers but I’m so bad of a driver that they wouldn’t let me even let me drive at autopia at Disneyland. OR
hey wouldn't let me drive the little car at chuck e cheeses

Fart jokes are classic ok what do you call It when you have to poop so bad but it’s just a fart? 1 = Pee 2= poo ½ huge fart
So 1&1/2 is a pee with a large fart
½ is when you fart and there isn’t a poo
3 ½ is 1 plus 2 and a half fart

Blush fart when you fart and then blush a little when you’re done.

Ok cant’ escape without a poop joke.

I'm just getting to be more confident again. I dunno what it is but I am really. I rode the train for the first tiem in a month which is good becasue I need t stop driving as much. Even though I drive to the station which I think is funny. Oh well right I know that I am sorta saving the enviroment. Sigh My legs hurt from just walking and walking and walking.

I had another terrible call and email today. My friend Max (maxamillian) has died. This is the 14th friend that I have had to die in these stupid wars. I feel empty one that can't be at all filled other then with love from friends or a true love I don't have it. I dunno if I can find it again I need some support I don't know if I'll ever get it again. I Can't depend on my family and I have no one to fall back on. I guess I have to depend on myself again. this is all so tiring I'm going to sleep.

Things have been tough lately. I mean not in the regular sense but just tough. I have been wandering around for the lats few weeks a little lost and saddened I think because I have the time to think I am not depressed. The last couple of weeks has been jammed packed full of events and the such now I'm lost and hopeless. I dunno what to do who to look to for help or any of that nonsense. I feel hopeless full of dispair with nothing I can do to fix it or help it. Over the days and weeks where it is full of politics and youtube I get lost in the fray again and again. I need help but I can't seem to get out. I need help.

I'm not sure if anyone reads this but I have posted in a long while which is werid since I have been pretty consistant as of late. I've been ultra busy with politics work and just being social. I went to san diego and then I have the caucuses tommrrow. Fun times. I'm just too busy no time for sleep.
Ryan

I had my doubts about moving but today for sure I know I am correct. My mother today decided to yell which is normal.the difference this time is she did it at four in the morning.any doubt that I had is now disappeared.I tried to gaze into the darkness block it out with the radio and my ipod but she continued and I now know iam right. For my own wellness mental and physical. She predicted my brother would die soon but I figure if isn't his health he would do it by his own hand. I know he's depressed but that kind of thing doesn't bother my mother she always has never cared. Well for me my twin at the very least. Life as it is now is untenable and if I could afford it which I can it is all worth it happiness is better then security and sonce I have neither right now I'd rather have happiness and be poor.

This week the 4000th Soldier from Iraq had died. The President said it was thier deaths that is a foundation for "peace"
I also found out a fellow youtuber/stickamer also killed herself. These days I feel like I'm surrounded by death and destruction.
I'm not sure how to feel except numb.

So I'm moving soon closer to work so maybe my sanity will be restored since I'm not commuting 2 hours (at least) every day. It may still be about 1 hour but that is perfectly acceptable. I could still ride the subway as a distinct possibility parking at the gold line station taking it to union station then taking the red line to work as I have been doing. It's alot easier then traffic and I could hang out later in town. Plus I've cultivated friends in town. I just need to decouple from my family. I need to figuire out a bunch of things mostly where to eat shop live. I know my stay will make me more sane then I have been lately. Although I've been out of the house I can't say that my relationship with my parents has been more then strained for many years. The alternation from brick wall to pyschopathic tornado is a bit much for anyone and for me to retreat to my room is no longer an option for me. Plus the commute is killer as always. I know that this is the right decision and I will be better for it.

Mayor Villaraigosa: Have a Heart, Save Linn House


Actions by Los Angeles City bureaucrats are threatening AHF’s Linn House with closure.

You can help prevent this and ensure that the crucial HIV/AIDS services are preserved by calling or sending an e-letter to Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. Ask the Mayor to "have a heart" and help save this important facility, a former AIDS hospice care site now used as a center for crucial health care operations serving thousands of Angelenos living with HIV/AIDS. Linn House has always been—and continues to be—used to save lives.

AHF recently placed ads in LA Weekly, Frontiers and IN Magazine appealing to Mayor Villaraigosa to "Have a Heart" and to help stop City bureaucrats from forcing the closure of this crucial HIV/AIDS care site. To view the print ad, click here.

Please take a few minutes to call (213-978-0600) or send an e-letter to Mayor Villaraigosa. Urge him to step into this matter and help bring about a fair resolution that will not hurt Los Angeles’ largest AIDS organization or the HIV/AIDS patients and clients we serve. Please feel free to edit and personalize the sample letter below.