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following suit with another friend i met through livejournal, i'm giving this one up.for the most part, its all not that important to me anymore if everyone reads this thing. i like letting people know how i'm doing, and what all is going on in my life. i appreciate hearing from you guys as well. but theres people who read this i dont want reading it. theres too many painfully memories, heartbreaks, and sad stories for me to remember. i hate looking back on it all and thinking about how pathetic things look for me, when really, things arent all that bad. so i'm gonna have a journal thats gonna be strictly livejournal, and anyone who really gives enough of a shit can have the link i guess. i'm adding pretty much everyone who i already had, i'll post my new journal name friends only in this one before its gone.
and just as my friend said, i didnt want to do it this way.
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| Time: | 11:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. | | Music: | Fall Out Boy - Tell That Mick He Just Made My List of things to do today. |
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this time i'm for fucking real, i'm never doing drugs again. everytime i fuck around with drugs, i lose someone else i care about, and now i lost someone whos like a sister to me, and now i feel like shit, cause i just wish my judgement were in better condition. i wouldve never let this happen. i knew i shouldnt have let this happen, i've kept it in my head all day. if i could fucking just go back and not smoke, i would fucking do it right now. why the fuck do i do em in the first place? tonight i didnt even bother. austin, ryan, matt, frank and chris went and smoked and i was too bugged. it just bugged me a whole lot. that i put myself in such a low spot. that i sunk so fucking low. at first i didnt mind, after a while, the more i thought about it, i felt like shit. i dont know how i couldve let myself do something like that. how fucking dumb of me, how fucking weak. and then how i was afterwards. fucking pathetic. i sounded like a fucking frat boy. and i wasnt even on drugs. i feel lower than dirt.
i'm really, really, really sorry katie.
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| Time: | 3:14 pm. |
| Music: | No Ca$H - Pierce The Gates. |
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i've decided to kill everyone, cause everyone deserves to die. end of story.
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| Time: | 2:14 pm. |
| Mood: |  calm. | | Music: | bad religion - social suicide. |
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2 weeks i guess till i start workin full time. i'm kinda nervous about it. the more i hear the job sucks, the more it worries me. i like the fact that its tons better than l&l, but i'm sitting in a cubicle all fucking day. i like the fact that i'm getting paid nearly twice as much, and its a ton more security then i have now, but i'm still nervous. i know, i'm living in a fucking dream world. the real world is going to fuck me over. well, at the same time, school is bullshit, and i dont have to go to be happy. i prefer to follow my own american dream. not one built on fear that if we dont succeed, we're failures forever. fuck that. i'd rather do things my own way. the roomate search is still on. me and andy discuss it on and off, i dunno how serious we are though. i trust him over pretty much every other one of my friends. thats not saying much cause most of my other friends are stoners. but hey, take it as you will.
see ya in the pit,
~Zäk
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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
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ignore that last post, no one was supposed to read it. yeah, erase it out of your memory, forever.
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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
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| Subject: | the next step is a massacre |
| Time: | 4:22 pm. |
| Mood: |  pissed still. | | Music: | Slipknot - Circle. |
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ok, so i'm still pissed. today i'm pissed off for different reasons though. i was leaving work after changing into a pair of jeans and a shirt, and as i was leaving, some baggers laughed at me cause of what i was wearing. i hate them. one of them wants to shave me head cause my hair is blue. my question is why the fuck do you care? courtneys a lying bitch. i dont trust her for 2 seconds. fucking 2 faced bitch think she can tell one person something, and one person another. and she goes on talking about how many guys shes fucked and how good she can suck dick. thats great, nothing i like hearing about more than how big a slut she is. hows about she eat shit and die? and grant overexaggerates everything. everythings a big deal to him, and in reality, it isnt that big of a deal at all. and stuff he thinks is cool, he thinks no one would care. he thinks that while were eating root beer floats in back, and stan fucking levandowski comes back there, stan would probably laugh at us for wasting company time and money. yeah, then i woke up. whatever i guess. on the bright side, i got a call from corecomm, which is extremely good, i have yet to call them back, but i hope theyre giving me a chance. i've heard mixed reviews of this place, some people say its great, some say it sucks balls. oh well. heres how i look at it. i want out of my house. if i get a full time job, i can do that. but till then, till i find some sort of leverage in my life, till i find some sort of happiness in my miserable fucking existence, i'm gonna sit here and whimper like a puppy with a sore paw. i've been this way for the past week or so. i've barely slept the past 4 nights. i've been able to, i just havent. i cant. not till i find that leverage i want so badly.
i think i'll settle down tonight with some fucking up of my body and impalement. i think i'm gonna get my tattoo this friday, i'm gonna go price around tomorrow. anyone know anywhere good to go?
see ya in the pit,
~Zäk
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| Subject: | what the fuck mood do you think i'm in? |
| Time: | 8:48 pm. |
| Mood: | pissed the fuck off. | | Music: | boxcar racer - sorrow. |
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i'm fucking pissed again, but when am i not. i want fucking happiness, and its out of my fucking reach as usual. why the fuck cant i be happy? sometimes i'd feel happier if i never fucked my life up in the first place, if i had never made the wrong moves and done the wrong things. i wish i could take back what i did, and make things better. but i cant fucking do that. fuck fuck fuck. i try to fucking turn my life around, and the same fucking obstacle comes back to fuck it all up again. i'm pissed off, and i'm never going to get over this until i just make it go away. and i dont know how the fuck i can just say "go away." i never fucking could, how can i now? i wish i could say fuck it all and move on to better brighter things, cause i know my future isnt here. but i cant, i have this force on me, and it kills me to be away from it.
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| Time: | 7:29 pm. |
| Mood: |  anxious. | | Music: | Combatwoundedveteran - My Spine!. |
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i'm bored, bought to go out to see the chronicals of riddick soon with lindsay.
slow as fuck day. i switched my car insurance over, made my final computer payment, and after doing the math, only have $1230 left in car payments. the car insurance being lowered helps tons. no call back from corecomm, which sucks. i'm still relying on this job, as it means i can for sure build up enough funds to move out. i hate life, its too unpredictable. if i get this job, i have no idea if i'll like it, if i'll get fired, i dunno what'll happen. the first interview reminded me of office space, and thier whole hiring process says that they dont really care about thier employees. on the other hand, l&l fucking sucks, and i want out of there. at least whit got hired so it'll be a lil better, but still.
scotts password for aim is in my computer. so if i actually cared, i could go in and unblock myself. i wont, but just out of curiosity, before getting rid of the password, i think i'll see what screen names he has. and with that i delete his password
see ya in the pit,
~Zäk
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Saturday, June 19th, 2004
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and my new icon is fucking sweet. i made it. thats right. me. woo hoo! go me!
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so a long night, and of course, my mom feels the need to wake me up in the morning. the deadline for me moing out gets closer, as i hope to hear back from corecomm. i realize that its shitty work, but at this point, its my las hope for staying out he. i i dont get the job, i have 2 options. 1) stay out here living with my mom in a going nowhere job. or 2) start over in lowell with a good job working for my dad and possibly a job on the side. i dont want to move, but i cant live here anymore and the job market looks like shit these days. i dont have a roomate, and i know for a fact i cant afford $500 a month working at l&l if i get a decent place.but riht now,im waiting for this job callback, cause its gonna mean staying here or moving.
p.s.- i deleted an entry as i'm not interested in complicating things. i'll figure this out and hopefully everything will turn out good.
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man, friday night and i'm bored. i went to alicias open house today. she looked well. she recently got in a car accident, and her and her boyfriend broke up, but she seemed in good spirits. shes a good friend. and i hung out with katie, went to east lansing, and that was my night. go me. so now i hope lindsay will call so i have someone to hang out with tonight.
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fucking secretary of state. the people who work there are assholes. oh well, my car title is changed, and i have lower insurance, therefor making my moveout all but definite. corecomm called me back again about a full time position. money talks right now. i cant stand living here. its hell. i love l&l, but i love not living with my grandma more. yeah, fun summer ahead i tell ya.
work kinda sucked last night cause there was so much to do. courtney was bein a bitch, and nothing got done. but lindsay called, that cheered me up alot. its nice to know she cares enough about me to call me.
i'm sick of calling joe. he doesnt ever call back, and when he does, were both busy. and i dont think scott will talk to me, so i havent called him. i guess i'll accept that we probably wont hang out for a long time. oh well.
last night was enjoyable. er no, actually, it was long, and unwanted. next time i'm staying in. but sara was cool at least, and cyrus is cool as shit.
see ya in the pit,
~Zäk
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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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what i dont understand is this need to hate me sometimes. i got 3 hateful phone calls in a row tonight. one from my mom, and 2 from 2 different dumbass friends. then lindsay calls and i mustve sounded like an asshole to her.i felt bad when i hung up too. especially cause she was really nice to me today, and we had alot of fun.
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| How to make a this is fucking stupid |
Ingredients:
5 parts jealousy
5 parts humour
3 parts beauty |
Method:
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Top it off with a sprinkle of caring and enjoy! |
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Saturday, June 12th, 2004
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man i swear, everything seems so out f reach. i dunno if i can ever be truly happy, if there even is such a thing.
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| Subject: | HAHAHA |
| Time: | 4:13 pm. |
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now joe blocked me. ha!
yeah, fuck you too.
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| Subject: | god damn it fuck everyone |
| Time: | 1:41 pm. |
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i just hate everyone and everything. fuck you all. die.
and a quote from katies journal towards scott that really made me laugh:
Punk rock is not a career. :)
hahahahahahhahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!
and scott, unblock me you fucking baby.
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i am so fucking bored. i've called everyone i know isnt busy tonight, i've gone down my buddy list and left messages for people, i'e done everything i can think of. there is no one. no one i say!
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theskunxrule's journal