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Beginnings and Endings May. 26th, 2005 @ 11:23 pm
I love working at Borders. It is awesome. I was worried because I am having to work pretty long hours this week but it doesn't even seem like work once I get there. If this job paid me enough to get the credit card people off my back I wouldn't even look for academic library jobs anymore. But alas, I am a slave to the money.

I've been sidetracked this week by a friendship that I had to finally put to rest. Actually, I think that this person ended our friendship first but it was done in an ambiguous way so I just sent an email ending it. I hope that we can forgive one another eventually; I really hate hurting and being hurt by people I care about. And since this isn't going to be some kind of dirty laundry post, I am going to stop at that.

So much has changed in my life over the past year. I have gone through hell many times and I finally feel like I am healing enough to find hope again. Sometimes I am joyful about things the way I used to be before Jesse and I left Athens. These moments are precious to me and I am glad that I seem to be getting back to my old self a little. I have learned more in the past year than I have learned in the last ten. Some of the lessons were hard. As you read above, there were casualties along the way. I don't think I would have survived without my supportive husband and the support from all of you who are reading this. Your kind words and prayers have meant so much to me; I will never be able to express how much strength I have gotten from you all.

Lately I have been feeling that this blog is too one-sided. I get comments and emails and I never have time to respond to them all before it's too late. So I am going to take a break from this blog for a while. I don't know if I will start it up again one day or if I will sink into obscurity for a while and then create a brand new blog with total anonymity. Either way, things are definitely changing around here.

In the meantime, just email me if you want to know what's up. (The email link is on the sidebar–you can also just leave a comment with your email address if you want me to send you a message first.) I am going to try to go back through my email box and respond to those of you who have been kind enough to comment and email me over the past couple of months. Who knows, I may just do an occasional email newsletter for those of you who are interested and ditch blogging altogether for a while.

Thanks again for all your support. Take care out there.

Susan

Time Flies When You're Full Of Phlegm May. 23rd, 2005 @ 12:39 am
So last week was a blur of coughing and medicine and (unsuccessful) attempts at sleeping and a lovely dinner (thanks to Christa) and cash registers and information kiosk training and books.

Today I was able to simultaneously breathe through my nose and sleep. It was a true accomplishment. I am hopeful that I will be able to recreate that particular feat momentarily...

Jesse and I went to church again on Sunday and it was good. I spent the afternoon studying for my driver's license test and although I still need to review some more, I feel better about the test than I have so far.

Which is to say that I am completely terrified about the test.

I didn't have a great time with the written test in Georgia when I was trying to get my original license there. I was sixteen and failed the thing twice. Mortification was complete. I can still remember standing in front of the computer, trying my best to figure out the right answer to those ten questions, cringing when I missed the second question because that meant failure. So I am studying hard, trying to break out of those old memories. I will be weak with relief once it's over, that's for sure. (Of course, then I'll have to go through the process of registering my car and getting it tested for emissions and all that crap...)

That's about it for now, I think, except for one thing:

Is anyone else creeped out about the whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes hookup? Every time I think about it (which, as you can imagine, is pretty often) I cringe a little and stifle the urge to gag. Of course, I guess that could just be the latest cold symptom I am experiencing, but somehow I don't thing so...

Lucky 13 May. 14th, 2005 @ 07:17 am
I've never had many superstitions about stuff, especially Friday the 13th. Maybe it's because of those four days I spent in Vegas where "Black 13, Baby!!" was my mantra at the roulette wheel because it was always good to me. Or maybe I am just the kind of person who knows that it doesn't have to be some kind of "unlucky" day for shitty things to happen.

Since I posted last, and even before that post, I seemed to be living in a series of endless Friday the 13th's (the unlucky kind). Jesse and I met with some unfortunate times, the least attractive of which included going into a pawn shop to see how much they would give us for my engagement ring. We had decided to sell it and were at home getting ready to drive over there and I burst into tears of frustration and anger and sorrow. I realized then that my engagement ring is the first gift I ever received in my life that made me feel as beautiful and sparkly as the ring itself was. I felt that if I lost the ring, not only would I no longer have any of those qualities, but also I would doubt that I had ever deserved anything so beautiful in the first place.

I insisted that we still go to the pawn shop anyway, Jesse insisted that it was left up to me whether or not to bring up the ring and its possible sale value.

I kept my left hand crammed safely in my hoodie pocket the whole time we were inside.

I also learned a lesson: I am more attached to my engagement ring than I thought.

Another day during this time frame included my resignation from an e-zine I wrote for. I could not write anything. The deadline was past and the publication date was looming. I anguished over my articles every day as much as I anguished over how to avoid losing our house utilities (the internet, cable and telephone package was on the chopping block more than once). Then in a most unprofessional move, I waited until about three seconds before the issue was going live and resigned, leaving my absent columns up to the editor to fill.

I barely even remember this time. It's like a scary nightmare haze of tears and fear and paralysis. I couldn't even go near the computer. I didn't even have the attention span to read a book. All I could do was try to earn redemption for characters in video games. Because at least when I was in that world, I had a little bit of control, not to mention the "Reset" button.

But this also taught me a lesson: I am not able to keep my writing productive if my life is out of control. I am not yet at the level of professionalism where--no matter what--I meet my deadlines. So I won't be volunteering to do any columns again anytime soon. Not unless I am the only one inconvenienced if the articles are late or non-existent.

Finally Jesse and I were able to borrow a little money and make it to our first Target paycheck. We calmed down a little bit. We got some food. We kept the power and cable lines humming. My engagement ring sat on my finger.

I picked up a book to read, probably more out of habit than anything, and was immediately pulled into Bag of Bones by Stephen King. It was about a writer who had writer's block (among other things) and I couldn't put it down. It felt good to read again. My thumbs were sore from the constant gameplay. I was able to relax a little, too, because even though my life was bad, the main character of that book had it a hell of a lot worse than me. Even though I wasn't sleeping very much and the "Top 40 Hits" station was more often than not changed to the "CONTINUOUS HIP-HOP DANCE PARTY" station at work, I was still better off. Even though all the bathrooms but three were closed down during the nights at Target and those three were so dirty that I would just try to cross my legs, I was still better off.

But I started getting really exhausted and I called in sick one time. Then two weeks later I called in again to the same manager who told me there would probably be "Consequences."

After that a couple of things happened that are worth mentioning here. First, I started reading House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. This book was brilliant and so disturbing that I cannot recommend it to anyone, especially if they are not feeling very stable. Double-especially if they are working the night shift at Target. I have heard others describe this work of experimental fiction as similar to "The Blair Witch Project." I've never seen the movie so I don't know. I do know that the information in the book, although fictional, is presented as if it has really happened. It's kind of like a diary and a documentary movie critique all in one. It's also a humongous mind-screw.

The second thing was that I started letting my supervisors at work know that I didn't think I could work nights much longer. They were sympathetic but had no daytime positions that would work for me and not create an impossible transportation situation for me and Jesse.

I stumbled along, once again getting nervous, feeling trapped.

It's about this time that I found out I did not get the job at Duke.

And then I got the flu.

When I called in sick for my third time, my supervisor said, "That's Unfortunate. We had some options to discuss with you about moving to the day shift, but with three call-outs, I am not willing to do that." My fevered, throbbing head heard what she wasn't saying, that if I could suck it up and come in anyway, I could probably continue to work at Target. I knew I couldn't go in. I had already gone in sick the night before and had to sit down on the floor several times because I just couldn't stand up any longer. But I found out that I wasn't necessarily fired; I was allowed 4 call-outs within my 90-day period before termination occurred.

So I faced the Consequences of not being able to switch to days and tried to get some sleep.

I was pretty freaked out with how dark it was in the house that night, especially since I was reading that dang spooky book. But Jesse had the night off and so we both slept the night fitfully, mainly due to my many coughing fits. At some point I started to realize that my cold was pretty bad and that I might not be able to go in to work again. I tried to equalize my worry by visualizing the dread of having to go back to work during the hot flashes and imagining myself unemployed during the chills. By the next afternoon I was pretty worried about everything.

Now, I am not going to lie here. You all know, if you have read this site for long, that God and I have had our problems in the past. But lately Jesse and I have been turning to God a little, trying to have faith and admit that maybe we can't do all this by ourselves, and we have seen results. So that afternoon Jesse and I held hands and prayed together for the first time, for guidance and strength and for some sign that things were going to work out for us eventually.

About an hour later, two things happened: First, Jesse checked the job page for one of the colleges in the area. They had just posted four new library jobs that we were both qualified for. We immediately took this as a sign that things were going to work out for us. Then, as I was still trying to figure out how to thank God for this sign, my fever broke. Even though I was wobbly and weak, I didn't have that going-to-die, head-can't-think, fever-ache anymore. It had been replaced with the slick sweat that marked the end of another phase of the cold. I slept between coughing fits that afternoon, waiting to make a work decision until the last minute.

In the end, I didn't go back. And I didn't even call in the fourth time. I figured they could do the math just as easily without getting to belittle me in the process. I have to say that my experience there personally and the way that I saw other employees being treated have drastically changed my opinions about Target. I do not know if I will ever shop there again. And y'all know how I love to shop at Target.

I am grateful to all of you who have emailed and commented. I am sorry to those of you whom I have not reached out to when I needed you. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I want to ask those of you who pray, please pray for me and Jesse. And if you will, pray for me to be able to reach out to those people who care about me. I know now that the more isolated I am, the more negative I become. And, dang it, I am only trying to just do it all by myself because I don't want to burden any of y'all with my problems. It's almost funny that one of the CONTINUOUS HIP-HOP DANCE PARTY songs they played at Target was "Girl" by Destiny's Child. This song talks about how friends need each other when things are going bad. As I kept hearing this song, I kept thinking about how isolated I have become and how much I need to reach out to others. I guess God even works through hip-hop if he has to...

And that almost gets us all caught up. I am still coughing but am at about 85% now. And while I am unemployed, I am not without hope. I will say that there may be more God talk on this blog in the future. As far as I'm concerned, that's the deal. If God works miracles in my life, I am going to talk about them here.


Edited to Add: I finished writing this yesterday around 3 pm. At 6:30 pm I got a job offer at Borders. I start Monday. Miracles, indeed!

I am now a Vampire. Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 08:38 pm
Down side: I won't qualify for Immortality Benefits until after 12 months on the job.

Well, I have successfully turned my nights in to days and vice versa. I thought I was losing my mind there for one of those days and then I thought I was going to die of muscle soreness another day but now I am feeling pretty good.

I have not been able to read blogs in days. I hope everyone is doing well.

I don't mind my job so much, but a few things have occurred to me this week:

1. I think the reason they call top 40 music "HIT" music is that when I hear the same five songs over and over for eight hours a night I end up wanting to HIT somebody. Preferably eminem.

2. It could be worse. On Monday when we got home, as I was putting the recycling bin out at 6:30 in the morning, the school bus almost stopped for me as if to welcome me back to grade school. I was kind of hunched over from the night at work so maybe I looked like I belonged back in Middle School. Um. No. Thank. You.

3. I don't know why people pay good money to join those hardcore "boot camp" type workout programs when all they need to do is apply for a job in retail.

4. OW. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. (Well, I said this was stuff that occurred to me this week...)

5. Until everyone who reads this has prayed to God for Duke to call while standing in the middle of a pile of bras in SuperTarget at 3:30 am in the morning, you don't know what it's like to be me.

6. Why hasn't Duke called? (Repeat 50 million times, or as many times as they play that "Soldier" song on the "HIT" radio station.)

7. I like that fucking Kelly Clarkson song.

8. All the people in the world who shout at people to motivate them really need to be told that this does not work.

9. I am kind of a spy and have a specialized job and I think once everyone realizes this they are going to hate me. Well, except for Jesse.

10. Jesse is the token white member of a Target gang now. He is Certified G-Side (this is the gang name, not Jesse's gang name). I do not know what this means.

11. Working in retail really sucks and I really, really hope that Duke calls.

Okay, that's all I have time for right now. I have to work 2 more "days" this week. Gotta go get my earplugs ready...

Bull's Eye. Mar. 28th, 2005 @ 10:23 pm
Jesse and I both got jobs at Target.

We found out about the offer a few days ago but it wasn't official until today. We go to our orientation on Wednesday and start work (most likely) on Thursday night.

Yeah. Night shift.

And with the humongous differential, I'll be making a salary that is competitive, even in the paraprofessional academic library world.

So as usual, I have been in a quandary. (I think I am going to change my middle name to Chaos soon.)

Because what if Duke offers me a job? They are supposed to decide this week, but I am starting to lose hope. But if they DO offer me a job, what then? And don't even get me started on the pretend negotiations I have had in my mind wherein I get Duke to offer me an outrageous amount of money. Because at this point, I just don't know if I want to work at Duke or at Target.

The biggest factor is that if I work at Target, Jesse and I will have the same hours, kind of. (Of course, a minus here is that if we both work at Target then if hard times hit we might both lose our jobs at the same time.) But if I work at Duke I will be pursuing a semi-career that I have been building these last six years. But, there's also an awesome gym right next to the Target and we could join it and work out and be all BUFF like Cartman. And all I would have to do is fold clothes. Fold. Clothes. But at Duke I would be able to help them as they convert from that filthy Dewey Decimal system over to the loverly world of LC call numbers. But if we work at Target we will get awesome discounts on everything because this is one of those Targets that have a full grocery store in them and oh my God We Need That DisCouNT BeCAUSE I HAVE A HOUSE TO DECORATE. The pro and con list is a mile long in my mind.

Can you imagine what it's like to be me? I mean, Duke hasn't even offered me a job! I am such a freak show!

Oh, also, Jesse made it to the second round of interviews for the bookstore position. His interview is tomorrow. And I just got a call today from that bookstore's biggest competitor and I have an interview there tomorrow. Just because I don't want to cheat myself out of any opportunities. I mean, odds are slim that the bookstores can compete with the Target salary but they are bookstores, man! I am tempted to try to get a little part-time job there if they like me just for the discount...

So to sum up: We have jobs! And yet we still interview!!

It's odd how I still haven't really let this information sink in much. I guess I am just a really hard gal to please...
Other entries
» Missing: One Purpose. Please Contact if Found.
Well. I am still waiting. This week has been the busiest since we got here because we have been going out job hunting everyday. Jesse and I need jobs, y'all. So we are out there filling out applications and smiling and looking professional and everything else we can think of right now.

I am going to email the HR person at Duke tomorrow (Thursday) just to touch base and inquire as to whether a decision has been made. This coming Friday will have been 2 weeks since my on-site interview and a month since the initial phone interview, so I don't think it's inappropriate for me to ask about the status of the position.

Meanwhile, Jesse and I both have interviews at Target tomorrow. Woot! They are hiring for several positions, some of which are overnight stocking and stuff so we might go for that if we can (it usually pays the most). I mean, we could do worse than working retail for a while. Especially since we would get that mega-sweet Target discount. Once we got some bills paid we could totally trick out our house with some sweet stuff. So we will just see how it goes, I guess.

I hate having to allow money to override my loyalty. I mean, I will probably accept the first job offer I get. I am poor. Due to a miscalculation in our taxes, we are going to be cash-short for the next couple of weeks. So if we can get jobs and start counting down the days to our first paycheck, that's the road we will be taking. Even if those paychecks are small. But if I get another offer that is better, I am going to have to just dick over the first company and take the better paying job. I don't know if anyone else goes through this kind of guilt, but I really hate it. Of course, I may not get any other offers so it might not even be an issue.

Ugh. I hate this state of mind. I have been reading some of my old 12-step program literature this week and am trying to stay calm about everything. But tell a compulsive overeater that she might not be able to afford cookies and chocolate and Wendy's and Tripps and On The Border and Jason's Deli and that fat girl will haul herself off the sofa with a quickness rarely seen in the wild. And I know this, because I am that fat girl.

Speaking of which, I am already beginning to mourn the end of Cadbury Egg season.

Sniff...

In other news, I am making stellar progress in Super Mario Sunshine. All three cats have now become addicted to The Outside. Our house is still really awesome except that I don't got no Design Skills. Right now we have arranged all of our unpackaged Lord Of The Rings action figures on top of our entertainment center. They look pretty cool; we divided them up in to good guys on the left and bad guys on the right. Sometimes they fall over though, and as I pick up the fallen heroes and villains and carefully re-pose them I realize that I am going to have to make some real decisions about how hardcore I am as a dork before I invite too many people over. Am I willing to stand up and say, "Welcome to my home! I decorate my lovely living room with action figures! If you hop over this obstacle course to get to the dining area I have a lovely drink waiting for you! Would you like some Play-Doh while you are assessing the course?"

Friends, I just don't know if I am ready for that level of dorkitude yet.

Also, I really need a job.
Mar. 23rd, 2005 @ 09:36 pm
» (No Subject)
Go Here For Pictures.
Mar. 17th, 2005 @ 10:42 pm
» Day Two Of Wintry Mix; Cats Are Restless
I am going to post photographic evidence about the cats and their incessant need to go outside now, even though it is below freezing and I think we even have black ice on our screened-in porch.

Yesterday Jesse wanted to go turn in a job application to a certain book store chain and at first I was all whiny and like, "But it's GROSS outside! Eww." Then as I took my shower (during which I listened to a cassette tape of a top 40 countdown I recorded in 1983 or so) I realized that I was not being a very supportive partner. (And also that "All I Need" by Jack Wagner is a REALLY good song. I was totally having General Hospital flashbacks during that one.) So as I was drying off I told Jesse that we should indeed go turn in the application.

So after I was dressed and ready we set out in the wintry mix. And WE DID NOT TAKE THE MAP.

I am really happy with the way things have gone for us here so far. Things have finally started to click (especially after Julie showed us the shortcut to 147) so the trip was uneventful except for the fact that we totally goobered out about not having to use the map! Because we have Excellent Navigational and Remembery Skills!

So we went and turned in his application. Yesterday.

And today he got a call for a job interview!!!!!!!!!

So he has an interview tomorrow and WOO. I am so happy for him! Also, in his infinite wisdom, he set the interview for 11:30 so we have a perfectly good excuse to have lunch from out tomorrow if we can swing something cheap!

Seriously. That is the kind of reaction we need to have more often around here. Like people see our resumes and spit out their coffee or something. Like they scream to their assistant, "GET THESE PEOPLE ON THE PHONE NOW WE MUST HAVE THEM." While the coffee spittle is still on their lips. Or something.

But now the dilemma is that he'll be working in a BOOKSTORE.

Oy. I wonder what kind of discount he'll get? (Note to Kamala: It's not the same chain you worked at when you first moved north.) I will say this, though: If he's working there during the Harry Potter release I am totally going to read that book before anyone else. Or at least get some really good swag from the publishers. Or at least know the secret to making butterbeer. Or at least pre-order the book along with everyone else because following the rules is the right thing to do. Dang it.

Obviously I am working on the assumption that he will get the job. I am doing the same thing regarding Duke. I haven't heard anything yet but I am sure they have just been really busy because of the crazy weather this week or with the other "candidates" they have to interview or something. Or maybe they are busy supporting the basketball team or something. But I am just assuming that I am working for them already and they just haven't told me exactly when I need to report and all that. Heh.

Heh.

Anyway, it did actually snow today for a couple of hours and it was beautiful. It flurried here a day or two after we got here and I cried. I think I was on PMS but still, sometimes I wonder what Jesse thinks of me while he's holding my hand as we are walking through the mall parking lot in a snow flurry and I am crying. (I have a feeling he probably thinks it's really cute; I'll have to confirm this...)

In other news, I have no decorating skills whatsoever. And I don't have any money with which to even buy stuff that would look good in the house. This dilemma, plus the crappy weather, has put a stop to any possibility of being social this week. Instead I have started playing Super Mario Sunshine. I have owned this game (like most of them) for at least a year or so but have never played it. So if I start typing "ow" in the middle of some sentences you will know it's controller thumb. Ow.

Also, I really suck at Super Mario Sunshine, but not as much as I suck at the first Zelda game. Although to be fair, I haven't printed out the entire walkthrough and secret item locations for the Zelda game. So it might be that whole CHEATING thing that is giving me the edge.

I got an awesome card from Fred in the mail today. I have been really overwhelmed by all the correspondence I am behind on. I need to catch up with her and Kamala and Atlantis, as well as so many others out there. I just can't seem to deal with not having structure. I don't spend a lot of time in front of the computer lately so when I sit down to write I just end up doing a blog entry. I am totally sorry, y'all. I promise that this time I am quiet because of all the good things there are to do in this town.

I also promise to start taking the camera along with me when we go out. As I have said before, Durham is Awesomeville. But I don't mind proving it...

Okay. I am going to try to post some pictures now. I'll link to them for those of you with Livejournals.
Mar. 17th, 2005 @ 09:52 pm
» If Taking Naps Were A Sport I Could Go Pro
On Saturday I took my first nap of the day at ten o'clock in the morning.

I keep thinking that I need to let myself sleep as much as I need to during the transition from Georgia to North Carolina. But this weekend I feel like the only reason I have gotten up from a nap is so that I can eat. This is pretty bad in itself but since I generally get sleepy after I eat, it's doubly bad. I feel like I am on a vicious cycle of eating/napping. Actually, it's really not all that "vicious." I guess "HEAVENLY" would more appropriately define my last few days.

So the job interview.

You know, if I do get this job I am going to stop blogging about work. Seriously. I am really hesitant to say too much about the interview on here. But I will say that it was really fun. The people at Duke seem really awesome and smart and friendly. If I don't get the job it's because I am really not the kind of person they are looking for; I did the best interview I could have done. I did forget to ask about the time frame involved. So I don't know how long it will be before I hear something.

OMG I HOPE I GET IT SORRY BUT I COULDN'T HOLD MY DORKINESS IN ANY LONGER.

Okay.

I feel a little better now.

I really appreciate all of the fashion advice, too. I ended up in the black suit with pink button up (scroll down if you are reading me on Blogger; click here if you are reading me on LiveJournal and then scroll down, probably.) I wore new black shoes which I think were "mules." They were kind of like penny loafers with a little silvery bar along the place where the penny would have gone. I wore small silver earrings. I painted my fingernails with my only fingernail polish, the OPI pink (it just happened to match perfectly with my shirt, so I went for it). So thanks to everyone who offered advice. I really need all the help I can get in these matters of fashion.

So now I just wait it out, I guess.

Still waiting...

Okay, I am going to change the subject now...

We got our new phone on Saturday morning (part of the reason for my 10 o'clock nap was that the phone guy was there at 7:45 AM. OwOwOwOw). I went to the wrong door and the groped my way to my keys to unlock the other door and the first thing he said was, "I hope I'm not too early!!!" I guess I did look a little scary what with the still being mostly asleep and the bed hair and all that. At least I slept with pajamas on is all I can say about that.
I meant to spend a lot of time calling people this weekend because our new phone system thingy is unlimited long distance calling for pretty much the entire universe or something for ONE! LOW! PRICE! Per Month. I wish I had friends on Alpha Centauri! Oh, who am I kidding. I wouldn't call them, either. But anyway, I wasn't able to call anyone since I was on operation NAP PRO all weekend. I was also busy telling my cats, "NO." about their inquiries to go outside. (Only because it was dark and also they had already been outside for, like, four hours or something.)

Yeah, that whole, "My cats are like kittens again and it's AWESOME!" thing? Well, I am becoming painfully reminiscent about how much trouble kittens get into. Heh.

So I am hopeful that a Jesse will have good luck job wise next week. (Warning: This is the beginning of the serious portion of this post.) He hasn't heard anything from Duke regarding his telephone interview and is pretty bummed about that. I find it so tortuous to be excited and happy about my potential new job when he hasn't heard anything. I am staying positive, though. I am hopeful that a teaching position is going to open up soon and he'll get that. His goal is to teach (college), so maybe something will happen with that. So to sum up: Jesse Needs Job Or at least Positive Reinforcement about Job.

Okay. What now?

I don't really know what I am going to talk about next but I just realized that "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" is playing on my headphones. I had this on a 45 when I was a kid. I remember the little paper jacket that held the 45 had some scantily-clad woman in leopard print on it or something and Rod in his satin/spandex/whatever and that same haircut that he still has (I found the whole thing completely scandalous). You know, I often wonder what I could do with all the brain cells that are currently busy with Album Art.

Last week Jesse and I found another mall in the area. (Aside to Pinky: We Found Southpoint.) It's called Southpoint (but you already KNEW that, didn't you?). This may be my favorite mall in the history of malls. We parked near the theater and naturally had to go into Organized Living. As I said as we were walking through the aisles of shelves and storage thingies and hot pink-leopard-print broom and dustpan sets, "Dear God: Thank you for this store." I felt like I was living an episode of Clean Sweep. I already know what I am going to buy from there once I have actual money to spend.

From there we went into the actual mall. (To get there we had to pass by both a "Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory." It's next door to a Toll House Cookie store. Whatever.) We ate lunch at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries (which I am still chanting in my head like a mantra) and then waddled around in the mall for a bit before going home. (We also hit the 2-story Barnes and Noble on the way back to the car. Bliss, anyone? I'm all full...) It was all just too much for me, I think. It is the most beautiful mall I have ever been in though. And outside they have these great fountains with statues of kids playing in the water. Awesome. And it wasn't even on my map, so it was like an early Christmas present or something. I can't wait to go back.

Okay, y'all. I am going to stop this now. All this typing has kind of tuckered me out so I'd better motor so I can stay awake long enough to make it to the bed...

Nighty-night!
Mar. 13th, 2005 @ 10:30 pm
» Your Opinion Please...
So if I were to have a job interview at Duke on Friday at 1 o'clock, I should just wear, like, a conservative business suit or something, right?

I am going shopping tomorrow since I don't really have anything that is worthy of a job interview in my closet. Let me know if you know of good places for plus sized women to buy suits. I'm gonna start at Northgate Mall since I saw a couple of specialty plus-size shops there...

Jesse and I went to Lane Bryant tonight and on the way I was so nervous about the job interview that my palms were sweating.

Gross.

But also: DUKE.

Holy crap...
Mar. 9th, 2005 @ 09:24 pm
» Ahhh. Home.
I'm surrounded by the last of the boxes. We did a whirlwind job tonight and got a lot of them unpacked. We've been taking naps every day since we got here. We try to do our "Adventures" in the morning hours so that we can get home in time for our 2pm nap.

Today we got 2 bedside tables and a bookshelf for the bedroom.

And somehow, out of all the small items we have purchased since we got here, these inexpensive items from K-Mart seem to have made all the difference to me. I now have a place to put my glasses at night. I know where the book I am currently reading is now. My bedside table is big enough to hold the alarm clock, some writerly magazines I bought recently, and my skull candle. (It's a candle shaped like a skull. I haven't taken to murdering folks and then using their brain-cases for accouterments.)

I'm starting to thing that home is where I place my skull candle.

I took two of my cats outside again today. We have this awesome fenced back yard that they can't get out of (yet) and I have finally loosened up enough to just let them outside and play and explore. I have always been freakishly protective of my cats; I don't think of them as my children because I don't know what it's like to have kids, but I have always felt that my cats' happiness should come before my own. They are my responsibility and I signed on for that so I need to do my best to keep them safe and happy.

And here's where I'll lose a few readers, but I've decided it's time I let my cats live dangerously if they want.

The two cats that go outside are sixteen this year. Brother and sister, I got them my freshman year at UGA in September of 1989. Since then I have taken care of them to the best of my ability and they are sweet kitties even though I have totally spoiled them rotten. What's the point of having a pet otherwise? Anyway, so these guys are sixteen now and they've always been indoor cats (at least 95% of the time) and I figure, hell, these guys are due for some sunny days lolling in the grass.

I kind of feel like I have finally done right by these two small creatures. I've never lived anywhere nice enough to be able to let them outside without worrying constantly about their safety. But there have been times in my life when I would have probably killed myself if not for these two, so I always regretted not being able to do more for them. Macavity and Rory are my sweet friends, even if they do make me clean up all the poop and hairball incidents (to be fair, Jesse helps with this pretty often). Whenever I sing, Macavity will run to me and demand attention. (I don't know if this is because he likes my voice or not but I do pick him up and dance with him a lot, so he might just like dancing.) If I am really upset and crying, Rory will come to check on me even if it means fighting past my third cat, whom she dislikes a great deal. I don't know how she knows when I am crying, but she's right there with me whenever it happens.

The sunshine and yard-time has had a magical effect on the cats so far. They are running and playing and skritch-skritch-skritching across the hardwood floors in the living room. It's like they are kittens again, and my heart breaks because of the simple way that they are so happy. I am finally letting go enough to allow them to go outside and have fun. And I am glad. I am so thankful that my life has followed this path which has led us here to this wonderful house and back yard, if only for the happiness it has brought my two best friends.

God. I am totally crying now. Dang it! I have to go get some tissue...
Mar. 7th, 2005 @ 10:09 pm
» Update from Awesomeville
Well.

We are totally here.

We've been here a week now. Man, this place is awesome. I am totally enjoying our house so much; it is really the nicest place I have ever lived. I have to say thanks again to Julie for all her help. She's already been a great neighbor and I can't wait to get to know her better. She came over and helped us unload the truck and did a stellar job all while wearing nice work clothes (a skirt, even!). Also thanks to Christa who dropped by with a bottle of wine and an extra set of hands for the last of the boxes. I don't think Jesse and I had to move a single box from the "Mom's Attic" space in the moving truck. That's an awesome way to be on moving day, let me tell you!

Everything has been going really well so far. OH. I have to inform those of you who might not know: There are some Target Stores that have FULL GROCERY STORES IN THEM. Be aware of this fact or you might find yourself hyperventilating into one of those off-the-roll produce baggies beside the Target Brand Fuji Apples one day. Not that I did that or anything. Much.

Two things have stumped me so far about North Carolina. First, there is no Blue Plate Mayonnaise. I had no idea that mayo was region-specific. The Kraft Real version has done okay so far so hopefully this won't be a big deal for long. The other thing is that my bank does not exist here. Yes, there is one in Virginia (about 50 miles away, so not too bad), but I am definitely going to have to keep my money elsewhere. Ah! The pricelessness of taking things for granted!

We should hear something this week about the Duke jobs. Our phone interviews were really hard. It was really tricky being interviewed by three people on speaker phone. I couldn't tell when they were finished talking and so I think I sounded retarded. I mean more so than usual, of course. But hopefully they will still want to meet with us anyway. Jesse sounded great during his interview so there's still hope, I think...

I would have updated more but we have been doing daily "Adventures." We drove to Chapel Hill one day and explored all the shops along the 15-501. We went back over to the Kroger off of I-85 exit 175 and totally got stuff for the house at the Bed Bath and Beyond over there. (I think that is my new favorite store.) We went to Northgate Mall one day and Crabtree Mall another day. Oh, and Crabtree Mall has a Delia's and a Sephora store so I might find my girly side here. All I can say is that Duke had better get in touch with us quick because I have some major shopping to do.

Also, I put birdseed in our bird feeder today and let the cats out into the fenced back yard.* I think it's awesome that my boy cat, Macavity, investigated the perimeter of the large fenced area (it's that privacy fencing so you can't see over it or anything) and then stood at one of the lower corners and howled to be let out. I guess he, like his mom, is not easily satisfied.

So anyway, I'm going to wrap this up since I have to hit the pavement pretty early in the morning. If you want to read more that I've written, check out the new Mosaic Minds issue on Defining Moments. Also check out the issue before that one, too, because I totally forgot to link to it when it would have been appropriate. If that's not a sign that I need an agent, I don't know what is...

*I realize this makes it sound like I was trying to lure birds over to where the cats would be. I really wasn't. In fact, I think the birds around here totally have the advantage over the cats in sheer number alone. Very birdy here, indeed.
Mar. 6th, 2005 @ 11:50 pm
» Quick Update! Because Everything is Moving Fast Now!
Hey Everybody!

Here's the scoop:

We have the moving truck! Somehow we ended up with an extra day so a few of you will receive emails from me about coming over Monday evening to help unload and maybe have some dinner or whatever. Woo!

We have telephone interviews today! At Duke! Jesse is interviewing from 2:30 to 3 and I'm on from 3 to 3:30. We both have pretty horrible headcolds right now (because it's full-on spring here in Tifton) so it should be pretty interesting! One pretty cool thing is that we are already the adorable married couple who have both applied for jobs at Duke. WE ARE ALREADY POPULAR THERE. Well, the personnel director seems to like us, anyway...

So we are heading out on Sunday and staying overnight in Greenville, SC. Monday morning we will go the second half of the trip and hopefully get to the house by lunchtime or so. We have to hoof it to the water department almost immediately after we get there so it's a really good thing that we got an extra day on the truck!

This may be the last update for a few days because after our interviews are over we are going to have to pull the plug on our cable modem and take that sucker back to the cable folks. The good news is that we have just about decided to do a package deal with Time Warner Cable for phone, cable tv, and computer, so we might be back up and running sooner that we thought. I will certainly keep you all posted as soon as I know what's up.

WOO! DURHAM HERE WE COME!!
Feb. 25th, 2005 @ 12:04 pm
» Six Days 'Til Durham
Well, I am still behind on all of my correspondence and half of my journal-reading. But my husband and I had a very good day and I want to write about it, so I guess I will remain woefully unresponsive. Please forgive me, m'kay?

Before I tell you all about our day, I want to make two announcements:

First, my husband's name is Jesse. He's Jesse and I'm Susan and most of you know that but lately it feels odd calling him "KSA" all the time. Now, this is not to say that Jesse does not indeed "Kick Some Ass" or that he's not my "Knight in Shining Armor." In fact, I feel like he's just So Much More than all that to me lately that "KSA" seems stifling and inadequate as a title. He's my sweet hero, Jesse. So that's what I will be calling him. Okay? Okay!

Second, and this is Very Important, does anyone who lives in Durham watch the Gilmore Girls? I am not sure but if we decide to not get cable/can't get cable really fast, we are not going to be able to see the episode next week and my head might explode because Emily is totally going to confront Luke!?! So really, um, let me know because Jesse and I will totally need to watch this episode. Also, Gilmore Girls is a really good show.

Okay, so now on to our day:

I actually have to start out with last night, when Jesse was searching online for jobs and found an advertisement for a Philosophy instructor at a small college about an hour and a half from Durham. What. Ever. He's totally all over the job and even has the "Preferred" qualifications. So that was pretty danged awesome, especially since Jesse had asserted that something great was going to happen yesterday on the job front.

He even said (on Sunday), "Something awesome is going to happen on Monday, I just know it!"

But we had given up on the job stuff since it was after 5 and we hadn't heard anything from Duke or UNC. Jesse did find a possible buyer for his huge comic book collection, so we decided THAT was the very good thing that was supposed to happen on Monday. Then I said, "Maybe you weren't specific enough about something good happening. Let's decide right now that Something Awesome is going to happen on Tuesday regarding jobs for both of us!" And we did.

But then he found that job posting and we thought, "Cool! Something awesome did happen on the job front on Monday!"

So then today we went to Valdosta and ended up selling Jesse's comics and YAY because they were really heavy and we really didn't want to lug them up to Durham. It was a great trip and we ambled around Valdosta for probably the last time for a long time and it was fun. I am so glad that we are happy again and not mired down in the stank of depression. We keep commenting on how great everything is going for us and how excited we are and all that. And it is AWESOME.

It's kind of like when I got my car a couple of years ago. The cars I had before my current one were all pretty much clunkers that were either possessed by Satan or had over a hundred-thousand miles on them when I bought them. None of them had working air conditioning. So when it was time for me to invest in a car, pretty much my only requirements were a) Not possessed by Satan, b) Have fewer than 100,000 miles, and c) Have air conditioning that works. Fortunately I got a car that fit my requirements. So now, whenever it's really hot outside (or even if it's only moderately hot out), I always really appreciate my air conditioning. I even say, on occasion, "Wow! This air conditioning is AWESOME." I try to remember how much better it is to have air conditioning than not to have air conditioning. So now I am trying to remember how much better being hopeful is than being sad.

Wow. That was a really long, roundabout way of saying that happy is good! Ah well, I'm sure you all would expect nothing less from me! (End Tangent.)

So anyway we got home and (as usual) I wanted to take a nap. I think naps are wasted on the young. So we took a nap and the next thing I knew Jesse was waking me up from a deep sleep telling me that he got an email from Duke about calling for a preliminary phone interview for BOTH of the jobs he applied for. Then he got another email saying, "Ooops, we meant the ONE job you applied for." So I'm all sleepy and, "Whazzzzzz..." and he's all, "I bet they thought I applied for both of them so you should get up and check your mail because I bet you got a mail too and we're gonna work at Duke!"

Now admittedly, this is awesome news.

But did I mention I was in a really deep sleep? Because it was all just starting to sink in with me at this point that I did INDEED need to get up and check my mail because DUKE!

So anyway I checked and I did and now Jesse and I have to call tomorrow morning to schedule telephone interviews with people at Duke! Then they will tell us if we get to proceed to the next round or if we've been voted off the island. If we proceed, we will have actual interviews. At Duke. Where I will learn the Language of God.

So tonight we made a few decisions about things that should happen tomorrow.

Because we really seem to be on a roll here.
Feb. 22nd, 2005 @ 11:04 pm
» Packing and Then Some Other Packing
I hope Blogger doesn't crap out on me durning the next few minutes. I am going to do a quick update because KSA and I are going to be in Valdosta for part of the day tomorrow and running other errands as well. Hopefully I will be back in town (and packing) by the afternoon but I didn't want to leave everyone hanging who commented yesterday.

So, The House is close to Brier Creek shopping village. The Kroger was close to our hotel (the Red Roof Inn off of I-85, exit 175). The house is actually right off of 70 after the bypass kind of ends as you are heading toward Raleigh. (Near the big church at the top of a hill, kind of.) It's a nice little neighborhood without a sign of any college students. There may BE college students, but everything was pretty clean and neat so I doubt it.

Also, thank you so much to everyone who commented yesterday and today! I really appreciate your positive thoughts during all of this and really think that all the support I got through this blog has really helped me make it through these past few months.

Those of you who want to help us unload, you are more than welcome to come on over! I *think* we are going to arrive sometime between 12pm and 2pm on February 28. Now unfortunately this is a Monday, so I know that some of you will probably have to work. But you are all more than welcome to come over if you want! We don't have a ton of stuff but any help will be totally appreciated since we are going to try to return the U-Haul truck on Monday by five or whatever. Anyway, if you can come over on Monday, let me know and maybe we can exchange phone numbers or something. Also, you guys are all really nice to offer to help us unload!

I am really zoning in on packing and other moving stuff right now, so please forgive me if I owe you an email or a telephone call. Hopefully Wednesday will be a little less hectic; we should be at home then, I think. You know, PACKING.
Feb. 21st, 2005 @ 11:12 pm
» Can You Hear Me Now?
KSA's mom just called over here to tell us about two jobs that opened up at one of the technical colleges in a town about half an hour away from Tifton.

Um.

We are both kind of stunned about this. We just got back (late) last night from North Carolina. As you all probably know, we went there hoping to rent a house.

But more on that in a minute.

I don't think KSA's mom has really been hearing us when we have been talking to her about moving to North Carolina where we hope there will be better opportunities than there are here. I wasn't really surprised when KSA's dad continued to ask if we had looked for jobs here. I know they both really just want us to stay, but they have got to realize that KSA and I will not survive in this town. We have both been so depressed since we got here. It just really hurts that they won't at least wish us well. I mean, if they aren't going to be for us, the least they could do is just not say anything.

I feel bad being critical because KSA's mom has really helped us all she could since we have gotten here. But DANG, Mom! We've been telling you about this move for a while now! We are not going to do a U-turn in the ninth inning and backtrack on all of our plans.

In fact, we can't.

Because we totally signed a lease on The House on Friday!!!!!!!!!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Aside to Julie: You have a standing invitation to use the bathroom anytime you want. I'm just sayin'. Same goes for you, Heather!)

We are moving in on the 28th. (And KSA's parents KNOW this. Hence my disappointment. Also, KSA is disappointed and I feel terrible for him. I am used to having parents that are disappointing, but he is not and it's hard on him.)

Okay. So that's the latest. Now I am going to backtrack a little and talk about how our trip was and everything. One thing we decided is that we are going to do the move in two days. Our trip up to Durham took fifteen and a half hours and the trip back took eleven and a half. So we are going to get a pet-friendly hotel room about halfway up and recuperate for a few hours during the move.

The trip up took a while because we stopped in at the UGA Library to say howdy to our buddies there. I can't say how much it meant to me to see everyone. I am so excited to be moving into a place that can handle visitors! I can't wait for everyone to visit us in Durham. The drive from Athens is not that bad. So anyway, we stayed in Athens longer than we thought we would but I don't regret it. It was awesome to see everyone. I talked so much that my throat was sore during the whole trip! I don't think I've spoken that much since we moved to Tifton!

Anyway, we got back on the road a little after 4. We had been on the road since 8:30 that morning so it was nice to have a break for a few hours. We thought it was going to be about five hours to Durham from there, so we weren't worried. Little did we know that we weren't going to pull in to the hotel parking lot until 11:30 pm. Dood. We were so tired. I drove up to Athens and KSA drove all the way to Durham. If he weren't already, he would really be my hero now because driving on unfamiliar highways at night is pretty tense. He did a great job and I navigated the best I could and we were able to find the hotel without incident and then the room was too hot but we just opened the door for a few minutes and turned the heat down and then it was all good because we had a king-sized bed. (We currently have a queen-sized and it's kind of small for us. We are large people and sleep widely.)

I couldn't tell a lot about the city since we kind of snuck up on it in the nighttime. So the next morning we decided to just amble around for a bit and the first thing we saw was a huge Kroger store! (I have mentioned my love for Kroger before.) So we went in but they didn't have a map of the city so we went back out. We ended up with a map eventually (from the nicest gas-station attendant I have ever seen) and set out to try to find The House. We figured we would call the owner after we got there or something.

Well, we were able to find the house without any problems and were completely in love with it even more than we had been. The first thing that happened was that the owners were both there and their dog brought a tennis ball up to us to throw for her.

I can't think of anything that would have made the situation better.

I mean, that dog didn't know us, but she totally came bounding up as if we were her favorite people in the world and said, "Here! Welcome To Durham! Have this Tennis Ball! If you don't want it, you could throw it if you want and I'll go get it and then offer it to you again and it would be really, Really fun!"

And you know, that was probably the LOW point of our visit. It was just that good. I know this is too long already, but here's some other highlights...

Now, I have mentioned to some of you how my memoirs will be titled "My Happiness Is Directly Proportional To My Distance From A Target Store." Well, there's a Target not seven minutes from my driveway. (It is called a Target Great Land store. This is even larger than a Super Target. I cried when we saw it.) In fact, there's an entire shopping village with all the shops I would ever want and a new sparkly movie theater. Needless to say I am more convinced than ever that I have made a really good decision in pushing so hard to get us to move to Durham.

And may I just say that the high hopes I had for the city were met and raised to the next level? We did not get lost once. We were able to navigate, even through detours and construction. The small part of the city we have seen is like a dream to me. I can't say enough about the beauty of my new home and how it has revitalized me. We visited Duke and let me tell you, the Duke Chapel will make a person believe in God. I have never in my life had a bigger urge to kneel down than when I went into this beautiful structure. And apparently it has a crypt. What. Ever. KSA hopes that they have position there called "Crypt Keeper." He's already called dibs on that job, y'all.

So Duke is awesome and The House is awesome and what we saw of Durham is awesome. And we are going to be living there in a week!

There's more to say about our visit but it's getting late and I need to pack some more tonight. I'll try to keep posting this week since we'll probably have to disconnect from the internet on Friday (choked sobs)...
Feb. 20th, 2005 @ 10:09 pm
» Hyper Hyper Hyper
I have been working so hard today I almost forgot that I am officially unemployed!

So far, I have done the following:

-Shown our property manager where we keep the cat food so she can feed the little furries while we are gone. (She's going to check on them in the morning and KSA's mom is going to feed them at night. The cats won't know how to act with so many caretakers!)

-Got a haircut.

-Bought my first ever bottle of OPI nail polish. It is called "Miso Happy With This Color." It's from the new "Japanese" collection.

-No, I'm not kidding. I may not ever buy another brand of nail polish again.

-I hope nobody is offended by that.

-Dang, this has really become not so much something I can put dashes in front of, hasn't it?

Okay, fine. I thought it would be faster if I did the dashes but I guess not. Can't handle the brevity of the dashes today! Too manic! I should be doing all five-hundred and twelve obsessive-compulsive things that I have to do before KSA and I go on a trip but I have to keep checking my email every five seconds, so it's just not working out. (When Obsessive-Compulsive Routines Collide! On the Next Maury!)

Anyway, so then I went and got some jeans and a couple of new cotton shirts so that I will not be so tempted to wear my men's pajama pants out in public over the next few days. I also got some new harnesses for the girls. (One of them is an 18-hour bra and it is really comfortable. I hope it lasts...) Then I got home and started doing laundry and getting my nails ready to paint and then it hit me:

I am a Country Mouse who is trying to get all gussied up to go to the Big City! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Eight months away from Target and Kroger and I no longer know how to take care of myself unless there's a trip planned! Thank God we are getting out of this little town!

We are going to stop by Athens tomorrow on our way to Durham. I am looking forward to seeing everyone but really hope Durham is kind of easy to navigate in case we don't get there until after dark. Heh-heh... I mean, we're hitting 85 and taking it all the way in, so it shouldn't be too bad. (Anyone who knows differently, tell me now!)

Oh, and I guess we need to get a map or something once we get do Durham.

I don't know if many of you remember the original National Lampoon's Vacation (the Christmas version seems to get most of the press these days) but there's a scene when Clark is about to jump into the hotel swimming pool with Christie Brinkley and he's trying to loosen up his arms as if he's about to swim a race and he keeps chanting "This is Crazy, This is Crazy, This is Crazy."

That keeps going through my head like a mantra, and I kind of like it.

But whoa I have a lot to do.

Gotta go!
Feb. 16th, 2005 @ 04:03 pm
» Hopefully the Beginning of Lots of Good News
I am pretty sure we are going to be able to get the house that we like so much. By this time next week I should know something for sure. I am so glad that we decided to move so quickly; there's none of that irritating hurry-up-and-wait syndrome going on this time. When we decided to move away from Athens, we knew for about six months. Waiting WAS the hardest part. Tom Petty knows his shit, y'all.

This week should bring some news on the job front, too. Jobs closed out that we have applied for at UNC and the personnel manager should be returning from vacation at Duke. So I am trying to think positive thoughts about ending the week in Durham with some job interviews for both of us. I was telling KSA that I have just DECIDED that things are going to go just great for us in Durham. It's like that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Andy is talking to Red and says, "That little hotel on the beach isn't too much to ask for. Anything I did wrong, I've paid for and then some. I deserve that hotel on the beach." Yeah, I'm paraphrasing there, and not really well. All I am trying to say is that KSA and I deserve jobs in Durham. We are qualified and worthy. AND DOGGONE IT, PEOPLE LIKE US! (Sorry I had to whip out the Stuart Smalley. But I am more and more convinced that positive thinking really does work.)

Speaking of movies, I totally watched part of Girl With A Pearl Earring today. Holy Crap! That movie was so totally hot! I love movies like that, where there's just all staring and longing and secrecy and yearning. I try not to get all caught up in the general grossness of the era (this took place in the 1600s or something). I don't imagine that they all smell like horse dung and I try not to notice when they throw the garbage in the same canal that they draw water from. Heh. I guess I didn't try very hard, but DANG. Movie=HOTT. Was that Scarlett Johannsssennn? She's pretty.

Oh, I think I should tell you all something. (This is on another subject, by the way.) There has been talk that when KSA and I get to Durham that we will not immediately get cable tv or internet service at home. (Imagine a choked sob here. Thanks.) I know it seems rash, but we decided that until money is not so tight (even though we have a Benefactress there's still limits) we should cut corners wherever we can. And technically, ('Nother choked sob.), the internet is not a basic necessity for survival. (I have decided, however, that we will get Netflix. I'm not a fucking cavewoman, after all. Plus, I really need to see that Earring flick again. Did I mention the HOTTness? Okay, just checking...)

So anyway, my posting might be sketchy over the next few weeks.

Also, I highly suspect that I will probably start a new journal when we get to Durham. I've started new journals every time something big has happened to me, so don't be shocked if you come by here one day and there's a link and a polite request to change the URL to my links and all that. I'm just saying. I may jump ship and defect to LiveJournal exclusively if I do this. I really like the commenting system at LJ and find that I am a little more consistent about responding to people there than I am on the Blogger comments. (I am sorry about that. I am going to try to catch up/ update links/ be a better blogger/ watch that Earring movie again really soon, okay? Please don't cry.) [Note: I just noticed that they have changed the way blogger comments work. Maybe that will help...]

OH! KSA and I totally watched a movie together the other day that was also awesome. (He was working today when the Earring movie was on, which was probably best since I think this was a girl movie.) But The Last Samurai was on the other night and we saw a good bit of it and WHOA. This was a good movie and that was really saying a lot because I really, really, really don't like Tom Cruise. In fact, I think I would really enjoy it if Tom Cruise and Keanu Reeves had to do a Thunderdome-type cage match where "Two Men Enter One Man Leaves." I think the "Bust a Deal, Face the Wheel" rule should apply to those two, don't you?

Um, where was I? It's not post-apocalyptic yet is it?

Right. The Last Samurai. Really awesome movie. I had an epiphany while watching this movie: I am convinced that human beings are inherently violent. We need to kill things and each other on a basic, instinctual level. I think that's why all these passive-aggressive habits have started happening to us as Americans. We stuff our faces to try to bury our anger and rage underneath so many donuts from Wal-Mart. We have Road Rage over the least little thing and try to kill one another while driving our cars home from work. We grind our teeth down to our gums and silently plot the pretend-murders of our enemies. Now, I am not saying that we should all start just beating the shit out of each other, but I think that we might sleep better at night if we could.

On an unrelated note, I plan on starting to get in shape as soon as we get to Durham.

Okay, that was kind of a joke, but kind of not. I really am tired of eating and wallowing in self-pity, flailing my arms and legs like a turtle who has been turned onto its back. One of my goals this year is to spend just as much time on trying to fix my problems as I spend complaining about them in the first place. So far, I have been able to do this, and I think it has made a difference. I am so out of shape and fat that I really want to apologize to everyone in Durham when I meet them. There's a line in What's Eating Gilbert Grape where Gilbert's really humongous mom meets his girlfriend and the first thing the mom says is, "I didn't always look like this." I feel the same way: I feel like my fat is representative of all the stress and sadness and anger that I have gone through over the past three years or so. I just feel like people should know that I've had kind of a hard time lately. I don't want to be fat. It happened as I helplessly kept lifting the fork, trying to subdue the feelings. I'm not saying that I am ready to put the fork down yet, I'm just saying that I know why I am the way I am. If you don't know my whole story, please don't judge me harshly, m'kay?

I have often imagined that my unhealthy relationship with food would suddenly stop if everything in my life became perfect. As if by magic, I would automatically know what a healthy portion size is, how much I should eat each day, and when I am hungry. But I guess it probably doesn't work that way. I would probably want to scarf the house down even if I had all the money I needed to pay my bills and a great house and a sensible eating and exercise plan. Hmm. Maybe things will go so well for me in Durham that I will be able to test this theory...

Wow. I just totally went all over the place there and got pretty honest. I'm feeling pretty exposed right now so I am going to end this here and post it before I lose my nerve.
Feb. 13th, 2005 @ 08:24 pm
» Woo-Hoo/Boo-Hoo:
The Woo-Hoo:

I got to take the day off from work.

The Boo-Hoo:

The reason I got to take the day off from work is that someone took it upon themselves to do 850 dollars worth of damage to my car last night while they had a Rockin' Parkin' Lot Par-Tay that included shattered beer bottles, Samurai sword sheaths, and two visits from the police department. The second time the cops brought out the K-9 units. If I hadn't already been in bed with my eyes wide open, the dogs would have taken care of waking me.

This morning there was a shoe a few yards from our apartment door.

I am still in shock a little, and am glad we are leaving soon. Last night was like living in the middle of some kind of gang war zone.

The day off from work was nice, though...
Feb. 9th, 2005 @ 07:44 pm
» Right Now
I am wondering how much longer I can stand to sit on this uncomfortable chair in front of the computer. I sat in front of a computer for six hours today at work where I totally kicked the shit out of a 31-page report full of lost books I had to suppress from the public online catalog. I got a little bit obsessed, okay?

I really should have been in Valdosta today, spending the awesome gift card that Hippie sent to me and KSA in the mail. You rock, my dear. I appreciate it and am happy that you are giddy and giggly and twitterpated. (You've seen Bambi, right?) But I had to work since I don't have any leave time and since next Tuesday is my last day at work. So I had to go and do the report and suppress those books!

Anyway, then I came home and after supper I sat down like a good little unemployed-to-be and applied for a job at Duke where I might get to learn Hebrew.

Um, how cool is that?

When I get this job (since I will because I'm lucky that way) I am going to totally stop strangers on the street and say, "I work at Duke. I know how to speak and write in Hebrew, the Language of God."

I have always wanted to be able to read the Bible in one of the original languages, you know?

Anyway, so this job is basically the job I did at UGA with a few things thrown in from the job I do now. Except for knowing the Language of God (which is something they only "prefer" anyway), I totally fit the rest of the job responsibilities.

Also, if you haven't been spying on my LiveJounal account (and maybe even if you have), you may not know that KSA and I have a lead on a rental house that is The Awesome. It was really cool because kookamess did a post about a house for rent in her neighborhood. Helloheather introduced me and kookamess through an LJ post and from there I was able to get in touch with the owner of the house. Even though I loved the house already, it wasn't until Friday, when kookamess emailed me 33 photos of the house that I really flipped. KSA and I are going to have a house, y'all. I just know it.

Now, just so you all know, kookamess is not the only really kind person I know from North Carolina. So many people have offered to help us that I just can't wait to be in the same town with them. I want to meet them for coffee or go to the movies or have them show me and my husband the things about their city that really make them happy to live in North Carolina.

Now, there is a chance that the owner of this house will decide to sell it. But until I know his final answer, I am imagining myself living there with my loverly husband and three furball kitties. I can learn Hebrew in our guest bedroom/office. Or maybe out on the screened-in porch, if it is nice out. KSA and I will no longer run into each other because our living quarters are so small. Things are going really well right now and there's just no way to explain why all this has happened to us.

When our wonderful benefactor stepped in and volunteered to help us financially, KSA said that he had to admit that there was a higher power at work there; that the loan could only be defined as a case of divine intervention. I have to admit that even though I have had some doubts about the existence of God over the past few years, I am beginning to think that things are happening to me that are too well orchestrated to be coincidences. I am starting to see evidence of something greater than myself at work in the Universe.

Because even though it has been really challenging here in Tifton, I have learned really important things about myself here. My husband and I have grown together instead of being torn apart. I no longer fear death; only jobs that do not offer leave time. But on the whole, I am stronger for my time here. And who knows, maybe this whole episode of my life was just so that our escape would lead me and KSA to believe in Something More again.

You know, come to think of it, maybe I am already learning the Language of God...
Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 07:55 pm
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