Applied for a new job as a lab assistant, hopefully, I get it.

[i was stoned and tired, felt like i needed some buk. lo and behold, i pick up the most beautiful woman in town, and the woman's name is cass, not cas, but close enough and some of the things about her really reminded me of myself]

Cass was the youngest and most beautiful of 5 sisters. Cass was the most beautiful girl
in town. 1/2 Indian with a supple and strange body, a snake-like and fiery body with eyes
to go with it. Cass was fluid moving fire. She was like a spirit stuck into a form that
would not hold her. Her hair was black and long and silken and whirled about as did her
body. Her spirit was either very high or very low. There was no in between for Cass. Some
said she was crazy. The dull ones said that. The dull ones would never understand Cass. To
the men she was simply a sex machine and they didn't care whether she was crazy or not.
And Cass danced and flirted, kissed the men, but except for an instance or two, when it
came time to make it with Cass, Cass had somehow slipped away, eluded the men.
Her sisters accused her of misusing her beauty, of not using her mind enough, but Cass
had mind and spirit; she painted, she danced, she sang, she made things of clay, and when
people were hurt either in the spirit or the flesh, Cass felt a deep grieving for them.
Her mind was simply different; her mind was simply not practical. Her sisters were jealous
of her because she attracted their men, and they were angry because they felt she didn't
make the best use of them. She had a habit of being kind to the uglier ones; the so-called
handsome men revolted her- "No guts," she said, "no zap. They are riding on
their perfect little earlobes and well- shaped nostrils...all surface and no
insides..." She had a temper that came close to insanity, she had a temper that some
call insanity. Her father had died of alcohol and her mother had run off leaving the
girls alone. The girls went to a relative who placed them in a convent. The convent had
been an unhappy place, more for Cass than the sisters. The girls were jealous of Cass and
Cass fought most of them. She had razor marks all along her left arm from defending
herself in two fights. There was also a permanent scar along the left cheek but the scar
rather than lessening her beauty only seemed to highlight it. I met her at the West End
Bar several nights after her release from the convent. Being youngest, she was the last of
the sisters to be released. She simply came in and sat next to me. I was probably the
ugliest man in town and this might have had something to do with it.
"Drink?" I asked.
"Sure, why not?"
I don't suppose there was anything unusual in our conversation that night, it was
simply in the feeling Cass gave. She had chosen me and it was as simple as that. No
pressure. She liked her drinks and had a great number of them. She didn't seem quite of
age but they served he anyhow. Perhaps she had forged i.d., I don't know. Anyhow, each
time she came back from the restroom and sat down next to me, I did feel some pride. She
was not only the most beautiful woman in town but also one of the most beautiful I had
ever seen. I placed my arm about her waist and kissed her once.
"Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked.
"Yes, of course, but there's something else... there's more than your
looks..."
"People are always accusing me of being pretty. Do you really think I'm
pretty?"
"Pretty isn't the word, it hardly does you fair."
Cass reached into her handbag. I thought she was reaching for her handkerchief. She
came out with a long hatpin. Before I could stop her she had run this long hatpin through
her nose, sideways, just above the nostrils. I felt disgust and horror. She looked at me
and laughed, "Now do you think me pretty? What do you think now, man?" I pulled
the hatpin out and held my handkerchief over the bleeding. Several people, including the
bartender, had seen the act. The bartender came down:
"Look," he said to Cass, "you act up again and you're out. We don't need
your dramatics here."
"Oh, fuck you, man!" she said.
"Better keep her straight," the bartender said to me.
"She'll be all right," I said.
"It's my nose, I can do what I want with my nose."
"No," I said, "it hurts me."
"You mean it hurts you when I stick a pin in my nose?"
"Yes, it does, I mean it."
"All right, I won't do it again. Cheer up."
She kissed me, rather grinning through the kiss and holding the handkerchief to her
nose. We left for my place at closing time. I had some beer and we sat there talking. It
was then that I got the perception of her as a person full of kindness and caring. She
gave herself away without knowing it. At the same time she would leap back into areas of
wildness and incoherence. Schitzi. A beautiful and spiritual schitzi. Perhaps some man,
something, would ruin her forever. I hoped that it wouldn't be me. We went to bed and
after I turned out the lights Cass asked me,
"When do you want it? Now or in the morning?"
"In the morning," I said and turned my back.
In the morning I got up and made a couple of coffees, brought her one in bed. She
laughed.
"You're the first man who has turned it down at night."
"It's o.k.," I said, "we needn't do it at all."
"No, wait, I want to now. Let me freshen up a bit."
Cass went into the bathroom. She came out shortly, looking quite wonderful, her long
black hair glistening, her eyes and lips glistening, her glistening... She displayed her
body calmly, as a good thing. She got under the sheet.
"Come on, lover man."
I got in. She kissed with abandon but without haste. I let my hands run over her body,
through her hair. I mounted. It was hot, and tight. I began to stroke slowly, wanting to
make it last. Her eyes looked directly into mine.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"What the hell difference does it make?" she asked.
I laughed and went on ahead. Afterwards she dressed and I drove her back to the bar but
she was difficult to forget. I wasn't working and I slept until 2 p.m. then got up and
read the paper. I was in the bathtub when she came in with a large leaf- an elephant ear.
"I knew you'd be in the bathtub," she said, "so I brought you something
to cover that thing with, nature boy."
She threw the elephant leaf down on me in the bathtub.
"How did you know I'd be in the tub?"
"I knew."
Almost every day Cass arrived when I was in the tub. The times were different but she
seldom missed, and there was the elephant leaf. And then we'd make love. One or two nights
she phoned and I had to bail her out of jail for drunkenness and fighting.
"These sons of bitches," she said, "just because they buy you a few
drinks they think they can get into your pants."
"Once you accept a drink you create your own trouble."
"I thought they were interested in me, not just my body."
"I'm interested in you and your body. I doubt, though, that most men can see
beyond your body."
I left town for 6 months, bummed around, came back. I had never forgotten Cass, but
we'd had some type of argument and I felt like moving anyhow, and when I got back i
figured she'd be gone, but I had been sitting in the West End Bar about 30 minutes when
she walked in and sat down next to me.
"Well, bastard, I see you've come back."
I ordered her a drink. Then I looked at her. She had on a high- necked dress. I had
never seen her in one of those. And under each eye, driven in, were 2 pins with glass
heads. All you could see were the heads of the pins, but the pins were driven down into
her face.
"God damn you, still trying to destroy your beauty, eh?"
"No, it's the fad, you fool."
"You're crazy."
"I've missed you," she said.
"Is there anybody else?"
"No there isn't anybody else. Just you. But I'm hustling. It costs ten bucks. But
you get it free."
"Pull those pins out."
"No, it's the fad."
"It's making me very unhappy."
"Are you sure?"
"Hell yes, I'm sure."
Cass slowly pulled the pins out and put them back in her purse.
"Why do you haggle your beauty?" I asked. "Why don't you just live with
it?"
"Because people think it's all I have. Beauty is nothing, beauty won't stay. You
don't know how lucky you are to be ugly, because if people like you you know it's for
something else."
"O.k.," I said, "I'm lucky."
"I don't mean you're ugly. People just think you're ugly. You have a fascinating
face."
"Thanks."
We had another drink.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Nothing. I can't get on to anything. No interest."
"Me neither. If you were a woman you could hustle."
"I don't think I could ever make contact with that many strangers, it's
wearing."
"You're right, it's wearing, everything is wearing."
We left together. People still stared at Cass on the streets. She was a beautiful
woman, perhaps more beautiful than ever. We made it to my place and I opened a bottle of
wine and we talked. With Cass and I, it always came easy. She talked a while and I would
listen and then i would talk. Our conversation simply went along without strain. We seemed
to discover secrets together. When we discovered a good one Cass would laugh that laugh-
only the way she could. It was like joy out of fire. Through the talking we kissed and
moved closer together. We became quite heated and decided to go to bed. It was then that
Cass took off her high -necked dress and I saw it- the ugly jagged scar across her throat.
It was large and thick.
"God damn you, woman," I said from the bed, "god damn you, what have you
done?
"I tried it with a broken bottle one night. Don't you like me any more? Am I still
beautiful?"
I pulled her down on the bed and kissed her. She pushed away and laughed, "Some
men pay me ten and I undress and they don't want to do it. I keep the ten. It's very
funny."
"Yes," I said, "I can't stop laughing... Cass, bitch, I love you...stop
destroying yourself; you're the most alive woman I've ever met."
We kissed again. Cass was crying without sound. I could feel the tears. The long black
hair lay beside me like a flag of death. We enjoined and made slow and somber and
wonderful love. In the morning Cass was up making breakfast. She seemed quite calm and
happy. She was singing. I stayed in bed and enjoyed her happiness. Finally she came over
and shook me,
"Up, bastard! Throw some cold water on your face and pecker and come enjoy the
feast!"
I drove her to the beach that day. It was a weekday and not yet summer so things were
splendidly deserted. Beach bums in rags slept on the lawns above the sand. Others sat on
stone benches sharing a lone bottle. The gulls whirled about, mindless yet distracted. Old
ladies in their 70's and 80's sat on the benches and discussed selling real estate left
behind by husbands long ago killed by the pace and stupidity of survival. For it all,
there was peace in the air and we walked about and stretched on the lawns and didn't say
much. It simply felt good being together. I bought a couple of sandwiches, some chips and
drinks and we sat on the sand eating. Then I held Cass and we slept together about an
hour. It was somehow better than lovemaking. There was flowing together without tension.
When we awakened we drove back to my place and I cooked a dinner. After dinner I suggested
to Cass that we shack together. She waited a long time, looking at me, then she slowly
said, "No." I drove her back to the bar, bought her a drink and walked out. I
found a job as a parker in a factory the next day and the rest of the week went to
working. I was too tired to get about much but that Friday night I did get to the West End
Bar. I sat and waited for Cass. Hours went by . After I was fairly drunk the bartender
said to me, "I'm sorry about your girlfriend."
"What is it?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, didn't you know?"
"No."
"Suicide. She was buried yesterday."
"Buried?" I asked. It seemed as though she would walk through the doorway at
any moment. How could she be gone?
"Her sisters buried her."
"A suicide? Mind telling me how?"
"She cut her throat."
"I see. Give me another drink."
I drank until closing time. Cass was the most beautiful of 5 sisters, the most
beautiful in town. I managed to drive to my place and I kept thinking, I should have
insisted she stay with me instead of accepting that "no." Everything about her
had indicated that she had cared. I simply had been too offhand about it, lazy, too
unconcerned. I deserved my death and hers. I was a dog. No, why blame the dogs? I got up
and found a bottle of wine and drank from it heavily. Cass the most beautiful girl in town
was dead at 20. Outside somebody honked their automobile horn. They were very loud and
persistent. I sat the bottle down and screamed out: "GOD DAMN YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH
,SHUT UP!" The night kept coming and there was nothing I could do.

So, i'm a bit freaked out. About 1-2 weeks ago, Ryan (my friend who I am living with)/ his sister got held and robbed at gunpoint for her car, etc. Those same people had access to all of her information so know where we live, and came here last nite. So basically, if some motherfuckers see me outside alone at nite, and want to shoot me, I may get shot. So i'd like to warn you that if I am not answering comments, that's why.

Later.

Let me explain to any who haven't had the opportunity of a panic attack, or a mental breakdown, what it feels like. You will first, cup your face in your hands and try to breathe. In/out. In/out. You will cry, but you will NOT let the tears fall down your face, to me tears=weakness, and that's not something I like to show.

I came home just now, in this emotional state, and a fucking CAT knew how bad I felt and licked my face and basically hugged me. He knew. An animal. People say they are stupid and have no sense or intelligence. Well, he knew. He stayed there with me. He saw the tears welling up in my eyes and knew I couldn't be alone.

I am with someone who for some reason, no matter how hard I warn him about my mental and emotional state, wants to remain with me. Who knows the amount of times i've been fucked over again and again and again. He wants to be with me. I ask him why, and he says I make him happy. I don't understand how this is possible, but then again I do. Besides today and last nite, our short relationship has been perfect. Last nite was bad news, but resolvible and tonite, was just not our issue to deal with. But seeing someone else (his/my) friend have an emotional breakdown, was the worst possible place I could be.

I drank and I drank and I called one of my best friends. She didn't pick up, and neither did the boy I loved for 10 years. He hung up on me. Someone else did as well. This is what being a "good person" equals. Being fucked over. I'm tired of it. But if anyone continues to love me, I will stick it out for you.

Only about 24 pages of my novel written? Okay, I guess, but I wanna do better.

i miss you so much. i wish i could see your face, because just that would comfort me to degrees you can not even begin to imagine. i don’t think you ever realized how much i love you. that is my fault. i meant to show it, but i still blame myself for being 6 and angry and screaming i hated you and making you cry. it’s been 3 years, and you’re not here. i can’t get over your loss. i never will. you’re my mom, you’re my dad. you’re my family. i will never lose that thought, or the knowledge that is the truth. i don’t know why you can’t be here with all of us. i don’t understand. it makes me so sad not to be able to call you and hear your voice. it makes me so upset to know i wasn’t there at the time you needed me. i blame myself for something i couldn’t prevent, each and every single day. i know you see that. i don’t know where you are, but i know you’re not gone, and as long as i am around - you never will be. i’ve dreamed about the guilt a lot. i don’t know what it’s supposed to mean, or what i am supposed to do about it. i want to help others, like you’ve done with me. i’ve tried so hard, but i never feel the difference. i never feel like it’s enough. you always made it feel to be enough, and i am just not you, and as much as i wish i could be, i can’t. i think that’s what bothers me the most about you not being around. the fact that i can’t be as good as a person. i wish so much i had it in me. i promise to you, that every single day i try, i just don’t think it’s possible. i’m sorry. i don’t ever want to let you down. i hope i haven’t already. you’re the only one i am absolutely positive about that hasn’t judged who i am. thank you. please try to be proud of me, even when i mess up. i’m so sorry i can’t do everything. i try to, i really do. but i just can’t, or just don’t know how yet. taking you away from me was the worst thing this entire world has ever done to me. i will never forgive it. i will never accept it. i need you. i know that makes me weak, but i do. i need you. and you’re gone. and i’m alone. and i hate it. and i miss you. and i love you. i still cry, and i will never stop. i don’t do it to make you feel bad, it’s not something i can prevent. i wish i could be stronger. maybe one day i will be. i hope i reach past the age of 23. i feel like i’m supposed to be here. i’m just not completely positive of why or how or what for. please help me get there. or get past that age. i don’t want to be gone. i want to help the world if i can be a better place, even though i am just one person. you’re only one person, and you helped me more then anyone i’ve ever met, besides courtney. i know it’s possible. i want to do it as well.

man, things have been going very well for me recently.

i'm trying not to set any expectations, so i won't be dissapointed if and when they do dissapear.

sometimes i am shocked at the amount of sensitivity i still hold in regard to past issues and people who are no longer here with us. it's understandable, but in a way i feel like it hinders me. i don't want to be sad about certain things for the rest of my life. but i guess it's true when "they" (whoever that is) says that there are some things you just don't get over, or people. and that's not neccasarily a bad thing really. it can be, but it dosen't have to be.

i'm getting a new place in a month, two months max, back in the city, which i am insanely excited about. i have a job and have the potential to be getting one that pays a lot better. i have good true friends, and right now a good boy by my side. with or without anyone though, the main thing is, i have myself for once, and it took 22 years for me to finally be okay with who that person is, but it's better then never having been.

i hope everyone else is happy or leaning towards it more everyday, and honestly, if anyone ever needs any sort of help or assistance, or just to talk, you know where to find my ass.

peace.

friendz fuckin' only.

if you like this dude, you'll like me too.