Because Tom Im'd me with a random inside joke between us and I had no idea what it was about(still dont remember)but he said it was an old live journal entry/comment....haha. I had to reset my password and everything. I didnt even remember my layout and all that, ewww my user name, AFI haha i still love em.

It made me laugh and feel bad for myself a little looking at old posts. So much has changed and here I was today saying I am in the same situation, the same place, doing the same things as last year. I was so worked up and crying and everything. But really, I have learned a lot, met new people and done so many things....CRAZY!

The biggest change is I broke up with Devin (it was 4 years)

what hasnt changed(sorta) is I live with his mother. YES I LIVE WITH MY X BOYFRIENDS MOTHER IN BOSTON STILL. because I got kicked out of my house, AGAIN.

I am really depressed, but I am trying to not get down in a hole! I did apply to colleges and am writing essays, I still have a job but no money, I am trying to focus on other things and hopefully I will feel like I am going in the right direction!

what's up live J?
haha the last time i updated was before Valentines day and before that on X-mas......

myspace really took over I guess. ohh well. still sucks.

just saying that i live in boston and i love it.
so if you want to hang out just call my cell and i can give you the new digits

Nothing really interesting has happened. quit my jobs, financially starving.....

cool.

To be frank, I'm not really sure.

I don't know what I'm about to write.

I don't know if it will make sense.

I don't know why I feel like this or that, or why I care?

Why does everything always have to hit a person at once?
Is their anybody who is an expert at handling frustrating situations or just when you feel h o p e l e s s?

Does everyone have an emotional internal combustion like me, or do they have a breakdown? Or is it me who doesn't know how to handle anything anymore in her life who just constantly worries and thinks and gets anxiety over the littlest things. AM i the only one who bottles things all up and never says anything because not that she doesnt want to, she just doent know how to explain why she came to this idea or feeling and what relevence it has to do with in herlife that makes her this so worked up?

Like I said, does this make sense? I swear soemtime s i feel crazy.


but im lost , and hopeless and just all around..worn out. It is the only word that describes me.

It has gotten to the point where family friends and school don't phase me, yet those are a LOT of where my feelings stem from. And although work can be bust, hectic and cause me stress, I feel I'd rather be there because the atmosphere doesn't affect me in the snese where it makes me forget a lot.

I swear I work my ass off just for that reason, oping if maybe when im out things are different, situations are changed?

I would keep working nad i won't stop even if i waste away if Im that worked up.

but i don't know how to tell people this is whee im at, do you get me? do you know this is what ticks me gets me upset? stuff like that because deep down

im afraid of opening up.

of looking dumb.

of hearing the words i know are true about myself.

of losing you.
of losing me.


of finding out maybe you changed, maybe i changed?

of opening my eyes and seeing what life is really about.

about growing up.

about never letting go of a dark secret.

about missing so much and about wanting so much

and nothing at the same time.

august-good
sept-nothing
october-something but not usual
november-nothing
now a week into december nothing

ohh snap..and i still aint sure

So today I have been going out with Devin for 2 years. That is so long.

I love you.

but now it is just another 3 years ;o) until I can actually see my boyfriend on an almost everyday basis..not just the weekends or on one day ofthe week or not him sneaking in at like 1...and this is a great schedule compared to before when i saw him once a month sometiems or not for a lonnnggg time...then i gotta factor in my schedule and us working.

oohh jeeezzze, but did i mention i wanna spend my life with him.


the things i put up with. ;o)

awww... i love him!! 2 years :O)

it seems like a runaround
words that dont matter
but as it falls from your mouth it seems like you needed it more




get the fuck out stay the fuck out it makes me sick

Okay. Work BLOWS...

the real world after school will suck.

this is a reality.


I am A CNA/Art Therapist at Quincy Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. It is a good job for a senior in HighSchool and in fact is good pay. 10.20 an hour is more then most teenagers make. It is a lot harder then most jobs, but I am trained and I really do care about helping people and I do like what I do there.

BUT I already feel annoyed and impatient with some of the people I work with and deal with as residents. This will never change in life, not everthing if a piece of cake.

But Im new there and they are already having me come in on unassigned days and FUCKING UP MY PAYCHECKS. That is not a good way to welcome someone new, it actually scares them off or makes them want to quit, in my case. I keep telling myself It will get better but I know i will continue to stress over money, money management and just being worn out. From school, work and just everyday shit.


For one thing what jobs have weeks that end pay on MOndays and where you get a check on Tuesdays? that in itself is stupid and annoying. So i work MOnday, get paid for that monday and wont see that money until tuesday the following week after next tuesday work that same week wednesday paid on tuesday of next. CONFUSED YET? yeah me too and i work there.

ALready have me commin in on days that i just came to pick up my check workin sundays and "all the holidays are in for so the new people get stuck with christmas and new years. how GAY.

so i worked mon. tues. wed. thurs. sun. this week. then every mon wed & Sun. unless they call me in. it wouldnt be a problem but they always mess up my checks..........










people need to learn how to do their job.. im new and i know more then them..and dont get me started on how they treat the residents.


and they need to work out my activities for ARt Therapy cuz im bored and sick of wipin ass

you know, this never ending battle, well i will say life style..is really not working out. i know i have the control but i see no results. i have to start taking myself seriously. i have to stop giving in to please other people just myself. so like i said, it only matters what i think. and right now. i think i suck because i am not really keeping up with this shit.