The Surgically Altered Supermodel's Theater Of The Insane
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Formerly Ligadier/Currently Frank's LiveJournal:
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| Monday, August 11th, 2008 | | 11:24 pm |
PHOTOS
I've uploaded a butt-load of photos to Flickr. Aside from the ones that are just generic random images of interest (stolen from everywhere), there are three OWBN-related galleries. To find them just search for member name: "Ligadier Truffaut" on Flickr.
Feel free to share the OWBN galleries with anyone in the org. I will upload more once I find my missing external hard drive. The absence of which is akin to a married man losing a wedding ring. | | Tuesday, April 15th, 2008 | | 7:32 am |
"Making the Sex"
On one of our regular nighttime patrols we were flagged down urgently by a “K” sailor. “Two Americans are making the sex,” he shouted with great distress, pointing wildly around at the beach, pier and ocean. “They swam away.” While I processed the image of two soldiers swimming away post-coitus, and filed away the quote “making the sex” for a future journal entry, the “K’s” cell phone began blaring out Bollywood pop tunes. He held the phone in front of him like a compass, possibly to find the Americans who swam away, and yelled randomly into the air. The Star Trek Tricorder effect is possibly the most innovative use of a cell phone I’ve seen.
My team and I drove down to the beach and my gunner swept the sands with a spotlight. I aimed the Humvee headlights towards the infamous bomb shelters and their DNA stained sex cots. As we swing around the Jersey barriers around the base of a guard tower, all our lights come full-bore on SPC Male and SPC Female in PT gear sitting side by side in their PT gear looking glum like that Von Trapp girl and her Nazi boyfriend before the dance sequence in the rain. Behind us, the one “K” sailor has turned into a small group. Again, a Star Trek image comes to mind, this time of a landing party beaming in from above.
“The ‘K’s’ are on the warpath,” I tell them. “You need to get out of here.”
“Is is wrong to just be out taking a walk?” whines SPC Male.
I’m mentally calculating the distance between the mob of oncoming “K’s” and the “are they/aren’t they?” couple. Is it wrong to take a walk? No…but you’d have to be pretty dim to do the walk as a couple by the beach at two in the morning and not expect raised eyebrows. SPC Male and SPC Female are both smart and should know better.
One of the “K” officers takes advantage of our distracting conversation to jog over. (You’re more likely to see a unicorn than any “K” jogging.) This particular officer is the one who found a pretty website for energy drinks and wants to import them from San Francisco to Kuwait City. His first hurdle was his inability to figure out time zone differences -- even when I drew a diagram and counted the hours for him using my fingers. Nothing says optimism like trying to be an entrepreneur without knowledge of basic math.
Two minutes later our LT shows up, which to me is two officers too many. We’ve taken to shouting the LT’s name in a fake Asian accent while making air-guitar’ish judo chops. The LT is Asian and a martial arts instructor. I’ve given up trying to pointing out the casual racism of the skit to my soldiers.
Our LT and the “K” LT then get down to some serious Roshoman point-of-view discussions. The “K’s” believe that the American’s were engaged in marathon-style porntastic sexcapades. Our LT argued that SPC Male and Female were nibbling on biscuits and reading chaste poetry.
“Why don’t we put them in the van,” I suggested. “You can tell the K’s you are taking the two SPC’s off to be disciplined and just let them off back at the barracks. The K’s will never know the difference. We’ll just (pause for dramatic effect) sweep it under the rug.”
The LT’s eyes light up. Everyone’s a winner with this plan.
“Good job, O’Brien,” says the LT while giving me one of those Management for Dummies handshake/shoulder squeeze combos implying both attaboy! and warmth. Bill Clinton won the Presidency with such a combo. The LT’s version makes my stomach churn. | | Thursday, April 3rd, 2008 | | 12:31 pm |
There’s a pretty popular and commonsensical management strategy called “management by walking around.” ( Read more... )My head is so turned around, I don’t even know what good Soldiering is supposed to be anymore. | | Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 | | 7:08 pm |
Christmas Newsletter 2007 (late) or 2008 (early)
If there's anyone on my friends list who would like a copy of my 18 page Christmas newsletter, feel free to send me an e-mail to highprole2002 - at - ya-ho-o (without the dashes) dot com.
Be warned, it's 18 pages long. If you have no life, this Frank Report may fill the empty void inside you. Be warned part two, Internet access is spotty, so I'll probably try and send them all out at once as soon as the planets are aligned, satellites are in position, and sunspots flare down. - F - | | 6:04 pm |
April Fool's Day One of our (barely) Hispanic soldiers claimed that someone put a taco on his bunk as an April Fool’s Day prank. He was making it up of course. That was his prank: claiming to be the victim of a racist conspiracy. Since that’s what he wanted, we indulged him. ( Read more... )If you’ve seen “Jackass 2”, you may remember “antiquing.” None of us have had the courage yet to do that while speeding around in the Humvee. | | Monday, March 31st, 2008 | | 6:36 pm |
You're entering a big error, Flynn. I'm going to have to put you on the Game Grid During our limited downtime, my roommate plays realistic military-style video games. The irony of deploying overseas to play simulated war games for fun is lost on him. To spice things up, we’ve added authentic National Guard voice-overs to all the ‘roid-raging, tough-as-nails combat figures and dialogue. ( Read more... ) | | 6:33 pm |
I always feel like somebody's watching meeeee
One of the strangest things about getting supportive mail from complete strangers is the creepy messages that sometimes slip through unintentionally. Jennifer, a young girl, sent an Easter card signed with the following message: "To Frank, God loves you (emphasis mine) AND IS WATCHING."
What the Hell!?!? | | Thursday, March 27th, 2008 | | 8:38 pm |
| | 8:01 pm |
Three Questions
Creative (albeit morbid) question: If you were found dead, what three things would you want people to find in your pocket and why? (Can be anything pocket sized. Doesn’t have to be your daily wallet, keys, coins collection.) My answer is below.
Item 1 – My dog tags, as proof of one of my hardest accomplishments. They say a lot about me morally (Roman Catholic), socially (volunteered for this), and biologically (O positive – universal donor.)
Item 2 – My 1991 Joker ID card, similar to the Batman ID card I carried around when I was six. If I’m going to be found by strangers, I want them to know that I have a thing for green hair, a sense of humor, and purple tuxedos.
Item 3 – A condom and 50 cents. When I’m found, I hope I was either on my way to knocking some boots or can at least give the appearance of being on the prowl. The 50 cents is to call for a cab afterwards. (I always try to have enough coinage on hand to hit a pay phone for emergencies.)
BTW, this is a "what things are important and say alot about me exercise" for those who are interested. | | Saturday, March 22nd, 2008 | | 11:37 am |
"Slutty Sluts" The current view from my tower retails for about ½ a million in real estate dollars. ( Read more... ) | | Thursday, March 20th, 2008 | | 6:05 am |
The Revolution Will Be Televised
The situation in "K" is changing for the worse. How much worse is still up in the air, but everyone’s "panties are in a twist" and most movement outside the base has been nixed. We are still on track to be out of here by May, so barring some Cuban Revolution-type scenario; we should miss the worst of whatever may come to pass.
Meanwhile, the "K's" want me to help them buy a parrot...and a radar detector...and Rogaine...and advise them on their import/export businesses…and how to be a better DJ. I'm what people used to rely on before the Internet was invented. | | Saturday, March 15th, 2008 | | 11:51 pm |
Bring The Hate Don’t know if I mentioned this or not about the female soldier who blew the whistle when she found out that the man she was dating was actually married. She received death threats from that man’s wife. Now, in a decision that has left us all scratching our heads, she’s lost rank. The scalliwag who was cheating on his wife? No punishment at all. Ah, double-standard, how nice to have you back with us again. ( Read more... ) | | Wednesday, March 12th, 2008 | | 8:18 pm |
My Head Explodes
Verdict has been reached on one of the lieutenants who was caught having relations with enlisted female soldiers: two months confinement, reduced to E-1, and dishonorable discharge. The female Sergeant who stole from her own soldier was reduced one rank and given extra duty, but there is a rumor that the commander is pushing for additional punishment.
There is a new "no sex" policy in place, even if both parties are single and of the same rank. That was the policy before we deployed. It seems a bit late to try enforcing discipline now that we only have two and a half months left.
There's a new African-Americans-only party taking place behind the barracks run by the Supply Sergeant and funded with unit monies. Our new XO has been making a regular appearance. Hand to God, I think everyone here has completely lost their m*th*r f*ck*ng minds.
The secondary Infantry MOS program was nixed.
Read an article the other day from the author of "Running With Scissors." He was disappointed that his generation doesn't have enough colorful, cannibalistic, clown-costume wearing serial killers. Life, he argues, is dull and tedious without them. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the only sane person left on this planet. This was published in a major magazine, BTW, not one of the nutjob rags that I occasionally skim through. | | Sunday, March 9th, 2008 | | 12:49 pm |
Let's Review What Happened While I Was Away Our only female lieutenant got caught performing oral sex on a naval officer in a public area. ( Read more... ) | | Friday, March 7th, 2008 | | 3:25 pm |
Quick Summary
I torqued my knee getting out of the Humvee to respond to a suspicious object that turned out to be a silver exercise ball (that looked remarkably like a mine washed up on the beach.) There's a lot of little pieces of metal surrounding the frame and seat in a Humvee which requires a lot of twisting and quick changes in order to jump out the door in less than a second. The knee isn't bad, but it could become one of those "old man things" that bother me when the weather changes.
The shoulder came from hauling loaded duffel bags and footlockers over head and that's my own fault.
The bronchitis, dehydration and diarrhea? That was just an added bonus.
Other than that, all is well. | | Wednesday, February 20th, 2008 | | 12:48 am |
I am alive
Shoulder is torqued and knee is damaged, but I'm well. Will still be some time before regular posting. | | Saturday, February 16th, 2008 | | 1:41 am |
Alive, but very busy here. No time to post in the foreseeable future.
Internet is still down, even though snapped cable has been fixed.
No need to write, I won't be able to see any responses.
Will post again when time permits. | | Sunday, February 10th, 2008 | | 9:20 pm |
Only A Few Months Left
Still having massive problems with the Internet. I'm making illegal use of a "K" wi-fi signal and can't stay on long. My new tower has a direct, unobstructed view of the beach from 5 stories up. In a few moments, I'll watch the sun come up with a 360 degree window view. Here's hoping it will be as awesome as I expect.
I've been writing like a FIEND lately - 5-10 letters per day responding to kids and widows who write to the unit. In the back of my mind, I've always wnated to be the kind of guy who could show up on career day at an elementary school and wow the kids with cool stories _and_ as a upstanding civic role model. Now I get to be that guy.
The number of people who are praying for me is mind-boggling. A church in Texas sent a list of all the parishoners who were praying for me: 243 in all! Here's hoping that it continues to work.
I missed Ash Wednesday services because the chaplain forget to notify soldiers of when the service would be held. When he came to visit our position to visit us later that night and saw how enraged I was, he actually took a few steps backward in surprise.
Only a few months left now. | | 9:19 pm |
Evil
The other day, I went to Camp America as a battle buddy for a female private who needed legal advice from JAG about what to do with her husband who had incriminating photos of her making out with another man. That took about 20 minutes. After that, she spent the next four hours having sex with two guys that she met down at our base.
The other day, a female Staff Sergeant was called into the Frist Sergean'ts office. One of her junior enlisted soldiers had won a Wii at a raffle at the PX. The female Staff Sergeant stole it and mailed it home. She's an MP BTW. How low do you have to be to steal from your own subordinates?
The other day, the new XO was in the weapons room keeping an eye on our substitute armorer who was trashed off her ass. She was impared enough that she needed watching, but not so much that she could be busted for being intoxicated.
There are hardly any female soldiers left who are capable of acting professionally. | | Saturday, February 2nd, 2008 | | 6:52 am |
I pray. Alot.
What can you do with someone who says things like "All men who wear shoes without socks are homosexual?" (Sandals apparently are "not gay.") I tried pointing out the idea of sockless Docksiders and penny loafers but our resident redneck wasn't buying it. "The only people I know who would wear shoes without socks are fags." To which I reply: "You know, in the Northeast, it's pretty common and normal for men to wear shoes without socks."
"Then they're all fags," comes the reply.
"Everyone in Connecticut, New York, New Hampshire?" I ask.
"Yup. Every one."
Minutes later we were on the subject of a dance that would be taking place at the MWR tent that evening.
"All fags," goes our resident redneck.
"So dancing makes you gay?" I ask.
"No, only dancing over here. The only guys who dance over here are fags."
Day after day, hour after hour, if it's not homosexuals, it's Jews. If it's not Jews, it's people dragging me aside to conspire about what to do with all the "n*gg*rs." If it's not a race or sexuality issue, then it's about how "these f*ck*ng sluts" are ruining the deployment.
It's not just that people here are stupid, it's that they're so G*ddamn ignorant. I don't know how much longer I can keep my sanity. |
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