Current mood:

hopeful

I Aimed The Internet At Your Heart

Wow, there's been a lot of drama lately. The air is hypercharged with accusations, fallout, and hurt feelings - and no, I'm not talking about you. No less than four of my friend groups are currently involved in some sort of LJ-fuelled anguish, and I'm just seeing a lot of the same traits.

I've managed to remain mostly free of LJ drama, and as someone who's prone to hystrionic fits of outrage, it hasn't always been easy. So I thought I'd share the hard-earned rules that Gini and I have developed as two active bloggers, showing how we approach LJ in a way that won't bruise each other's feelings. These have been developed over time, and they're still not perfect, but I think they're a decent set of basics.

Let's go.

Rule #1: Do Not Say Anything About Someone That You Would Not Say To Their Face
Seriously. This is just plain honesty, folks. If you wouldn't call them on their bullshit in private, don't say it when they're not around - and this is a rule that's good for life, not just good for LJ.

Obviously, this includes saying anything behind filters, in private comments, in offlist emails. Every day, I see someone who's traumatically surprised: "Yes, I said she'd fuck a dog if she was horny enough, but I said it in private!"

Hear me now: There is no private - especially not on LJ. Assume every snipe you make will eventually get back to the person you're talking about, and that you'll have to face them eventually. I don't care how many barriers of filters, IP loggings, and other barriers you have erected... They are all permeable, and the reason they're permeable is that nobody likes someone who talks shit about other people.

And for God's sake, don't drop nasty hints about people in closed forums, hoping that it will get back to them because you don't have the balls to say it out loud. Poisoning the waters only makes you seem petty, and your friends don't really like to hear any of this. If you're angry, don't tell the rest of the world because you're not speaking to him.

If you can't say it, don't.

Rule #2: Do Not Say Anything About Someone That You Would Not Be Able To Endure If It Was Broadcast To The World
The first rule asks, "Can I say this to someone's face?" The second rule is, "Should I say this to someone's face?"

If you know your friends would think less of you if someone took your private comments and made them public, then don't fucking do it. If you know that those are words that would destroy someone else if they heard it, then maybe you wanna choke them back... And I don't care if you're right. Maybe her boyfriend is a clueless dirtbag, but if you're being extra-nasty because you think nobody else will ever know, then don't.

Show respect for others. Even your enemies. All the time.

Once you do, you'd be surprised how much respect you'll start to earn.

This is, incidentally, different from being embarrassed if your words were made public. There are many times you try to tell your best friend something, and she doesn't want to listen, and you tell the truth about her elsewhere. Sure, you'd be all a-fluttery to have your blatantly true words read over the loudspeaker.

But would you regret saying them? If you would, then keep your mouth shut.

Rule #3: "Inspired By" Posts Are Right Out
Oh, I've done it, and they're some of my best posts; some asshole acquaintance of yours pisses you off, and you write a transparent screed that starts with, "There is a type of person who always breaks their word, but they never mean to...."

You think it's okay, because you're not mentioning that person by name! You're discussing a class of people, making some philosophical point about the world, not the jerk who just fucked you over. And worse yet, people will agree with you, because they know people like that jerk, and post by the scores in your journal.

But really, you did it because you can't say it to his face. You made the global attack, and he knows you said it about him, and you know you said it about him... But the brilliant part is that he can't accuse you directly without sounding defensive.

You get your cake and eat it, too. What fun!

The problem is, of course, when you write a genuine insight into humanity, and you learn the dangers of splash damage. You didn't mean to write about Friend X this time, but Friend X knows how you've attacked other people with posts like this... And she assumes this particular bit o'hatred was aimed straight at her. Because it's close to her heart. And now you've pissed off a pal for no good reason.

And then she writes one about you.

Yes, this is closely related to the "Don't say anything you wouldn't say to someone's face" rule, but it is slightly different and worth discussing. You may be writing about the world technically, but realistically it's a shill. Cut it out.

Rule #4: Do Not Write Up Any Arguments Before They're Settled
This is the best one. And Gini and I had to learn this slowly, but it's the most valuable piece of advice. And it good advice for this reason:

You are never going to get honest feedback from anyone as long as you're broadcasting their fucking story to everyone.

I'll say this now: I don't care how sensitive you are, or how good a writer you are - when you write up your argument, you are asking for sympathy. I've been on LJ for two years, and let me tell you that I've seen hundreds of attempts to tell a "fair and balanced" version of an ongoing argument, and none of them ever seemed fair and balanced. And the ones that did seem fair and balanced at first glance always broke down when I commented - because whenever I said, "Yes, but have you considered this?" I inevitably got slammed for not sympathizing.

LJ is not fucking therapy. When you open up your relationship to the world, you're calling sides. It's getting comments from sympathizers, making people feel bad for you, confirming your point of view. Oh, you don't think that you're doing that - you're just trying to get alternate opinions - but you are.

And your partner will feel slighted. He won't say as much to you any more, because he knows that your army of friends is against him. Let's assume that you're right, and that he is utterly and undeniably wrong. (It's not very fucking likely, but it could be true.) It's hard enough to hear that you're an asshole when you know you are - but how many people are going to listen when a bunch of anonymous people you don't even know are chiming in with a happy chorus of, "God, yes, that guy's a dickhead?"

Do you really think that's going to work?

A relationship cannot be defined by what other people think. There is no normal. Gini and I have a relationship that has to be defined by what we agree is normal - what makes us feel comfortable. If I bludgeon her into submission by saying, "Christ, honey, half our friends list is polyamorous, so I should be able to fuck this girl I met at a bar," do you think that's not going to wind up in resentment?

Everyone must come to their own terms. And it doesn't matter whether all of your friends and family think your boyfriend should wear a necktie and a suit to work... If he doesn't think it's okay then it's just not. You have to define who you are on your own terms.

Using LJ closes off avenues. It does not open them up. The feedback you get is not worth the distance it takes, and I see it every day: "Why won't he talk to me any more?"

He doesn't talk to you because you're sharing too goddamned much. Some things are private. And this especially applies to non-sexual friendships, where you have less slack.

I'll be honest: About every six months to a year, Gini and I go through a period of readjustment. We fight like cats and dogs, sniping for about two or three weeks until we finally figure out what's bothering us, and then we move forward. There are times we can't even talk to each other. Oh, we have a good life, and these arguments are backed by a lot of love, but sometimes it's hard fucking work - and there are a lot of snide, hurtful things said in private that neither of us have ever mentioned in public.

I don't talk about it when we're in the adjustment times, because we need to get through this ourselves. And because bringing it to the public attention - whether that's in snipes, essays about a sort of people, or just plain-out bitching - would be a betrayal of the core trust. It won't solve anything, and I've tried it enough (and seen others try it enough) to know that it fails.

If it's important, work it through on your own. Email a few LJ friends privately if you need to and ask, "Am I out of line?" Accept the possibility that you might be wrong, and talk to people who are willing to call you on your bullshit. (Remember: A real friend will tell you when you're being an asshole. I am infinitely thankful for my friend Kat, who has clinically diagnosed many cases of own dickheadery.)

Feedback is not bad, when it's from someone you know well, as long as you don't use it as a justification. But casting it out to fifty-plus people at a shot is not getting an opinion; it's an invitation to watch a gladiator fight.

And when you reduce it to that, only one man leaves the ring alive.

(That said, there is a rare exception that sometimes applies: If you're leaving a relationship and want to clear the air before you never talk to them again, that's fine. But you have to mean it. No going back, no accepting apologies, no "one more time" - you truly have to agree to Dresdenize your friendship, since you're not going to be able to go back. Sometimes, it can a good way to close a final door, to use the world to enforce that you're not going back. But even then, I wouldn't advise it - most people will do this as a "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee" moment, which is not what I'm talking about.)

Rule #5: You Do Not Need Universal Agreement
In my time on LiveJournal, I have been called a baby-murderer, a rapist, and a homo-hater; I've been called an arrogant prick, an insensitive bastard, and a mysogynist. I've been called ignorant, stupid, lazy, dangerously misinformed, long-winded, and - amazingly - cocksure.

They might be right.

One of the reasons I do usually avoid psychodrama is because I can hear a dissenting opinion and not quash it. I make it a habit to avoid deleting comments or filtering who sees what I write, because even the worst people should have their say. I don't know that I'm right, so why not let their words stand?

You can say it. I might trash your logic, I might call you a fool in return, I might mock your words... But I will almost always let you say whatever you want, because I don't exercise control over you. Because I don't know that I am right.

If you're writing a journal because you want the world to love you, you're gonna be in for a big surprise once you get beyond twenty readers. Some people are going to hate you. Some people are going to think you're a fool, that you don't know how to have a healthy relationship. And if you're not going to be able to sleep at night until you convince them otherwise, you probably shouldn't be keeping a journal.

There. Those are my rules. Take them as you will.

(EDIT: And if you liked that, please sponsor me in my Blog-A-Thon.)