thediaryofjesus' Journal
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in
thediaryofjesus' LiveJournal:
| Wednesday, October 25th, 2006 | | 4:25 pm |
Finally
Jesus is really back
You can see the new entries starting NOW at www.awfullynice.com | | Wednesday, August 30th, 2006 | | 1:43 am |
| | Saturday, May 20th, 2006 | | 1:44 am |
| | Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006 | | 3:42 pm |
Updates soon? Yo guys, TheDiaryofJesus here. Sorry it's been so long, but I've been doing mucho-other stuff: working on a novel, trying to stay in school, and trying to get this new website going (looking for someone who can actually program a decent page unlike me!). Feel free to check it out at http://www.angelfire.com/hiphop/thechamp/main.html - I know the URL is gayer than King Herod in a drag show, but I'll get a better one as soon as I can find someone who can be desigated Master of the Web, or "webmaster" for all you queers. I swear I'll start updating this soon, if anyone out there even cares anymore. Feel free to email me any questions/hatemail/ideas for articles on my new site to ratliff@usc.edu peace up, J-town down. | | Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 | | 1:50 am |
Once again spurred reluctantly back into action
As has happened so many times in my life, I have once again been motivated off of my lazy, jewish ass by that mother fucker Satan.
Some may call him the devil. Others have named him Lucifer. Most know him as Michelle Wie. No matter what title he goes by in your book, that bastard is a pain in the ass. It's not even that he's that dangerous, just really annoying and unnecesarily destructive. Sort of like that fat, dumb girl with no friends in elementary school that liked to try and fuck things up with those snubbed-nosed scissors that couldn't cut shit.
Anyways, over the past months I spent a little time in JCJ (Jerusalem County Jail for those of you ignorants), and my cellmate (a friendly Moor named Buba) for OMWI (operating a mule while intoxicated)caused me to question my faith.
"If you's the son o' god," he said, while taking a shit on the toilet that was about 3 inches from the head of my cot, "Then why's ain't you bustin' our asses out o' here."
That put me in a spiritual conundrum. If I was the son of God, why wasn't I breaking myself out of jail? I realized that the joints I was paying one of the guards to sneak me during Sabbath services every week might be clouding my senses, and decided to do some real soul searching.
The next morning I realized it was time for me to use my amazing powers to break out. Normally you would think that I might just steal a key, or maybe even make one out of water, or maybe destroy the prison as if it were a sinful temple, but I had a better idea. Emulating my favorite jewish actor, Anthony Hopkins Goldstein, from the blockbuster hit sermon of "Silence of the Ham: You'd Better Not Eat That Fucking Bacon", I strangled Buba (his conversations were banal and tiresome anyway) and dressed myself in his skin. His parole came up two days later (he was only serving ten days for participating in an unlicensed stoning mob), and I waltzed out of there with no one the wiser. The guards didn't notice the decaying body until a week or so later, and decided that cutting it up and serving it to the inmates was far more practical than reporting an escape.
Anyway, more tales from JCJ to follow perhaps, and if not, I'm sure my life will be the eventful, Godsent mission of peace and love that it was last spring.
Jesus-OUT
p.s. whoever started "diaryofsatan" should kill themselves for being about as original as Marshmello Alphabets, which are basically just bad lucky charms. | | Thursday, May 5th, 2005 | | 12:48 pm |
JESUS LORD ALMIGHTY! Well well well. I leave for a few days and look what happens! Just a quick note to all those would be scholars who somehow grew bold in my absence: 1) I am alive and do exist. 2) I hate people who don't have a sense of humor (e.g. Stalin, Noah, that annoying guy who keeps posting comments on this site and who is obviously homosexual, and all jewish people) That done - I am sorry for my absence...the story goes something like this: I was in the fucking woods. Occasionally (and don't ask me why, because I haven't a goddamn clue) God decides that it will be fun to assign me various assorted tasks in order to either keep me busy, entertain him, or both. Maybe he just wants to make sure I still know who's boss. Who really knows anyway. Anyway, God decided that I needed to go on a little camping trip, and by little i mean 40 days. God has this little fetish with the number 40 in case you hadnt figured that out yet - it might have something to do with the fact that we are about to celebrate his 39th birthday for the 34,589,032,002nd time this sunday, but whatever. So I went into one of our many bountiful forests here in the middle of the fucking desert with Simon, Peter, Judas, and Luke. I know, I know...I was "supposed" to go alone, but last time I did that fucking Satan was camping by the same lake and he basically just annoyed the hell out of me for all 40 days I was there. You know that song from that show where the crazy lady had puppets that looked liked retarded farm animals on speed? Well they always sang this "neverending" song on the show, but it was a joke...because they stopped singing and went on to the next show after like 2 minutes. Satan, however, charmed the entire campsite with that little diddy for a full week. He only stopped briefly to try and get me to eat some shady-ass S'mores that he had cooked...but I knew better. So I took the guys with me this time, and everything was going fine for the first couple days or so. Sure we had the expected mishaps, Peter wiped his ass with a plant with three leaves just like I explicitly told him not to, and what do you know: he got poison ivy all over his cock, balls, and grundle. His left hand didnt get much action for the next couple weeks, but oh well. Our first friday in the woods though, these Romans were having a kickass bonfire across the lake, some festival for Apollo or something. We knew it was going to be off the hook, and a little idol worshiping never hurt anyone, so I walked over. The other guys took a boat. Anyway, I was about twelve beers deep and had already participated in the sacrificing of three goats, two virgins, and one incredibly drunk eunich who had apparently committed one too many "party fouls" when I noticed that Simon was missing. After rounding up Peter from an all-male game of spin the bottle and making sure Judas was going to be in the "Smoking Tent" for a while, I went off to look for him. It didn't take me long to find him throwing up all over a palm tree at the edge of the woods, where he informed Peter and I that he had eaten "some crazyass shrooms". Peter, ignorant asshole that he is, asked me where they were serving pasta and after shaking my head and telling him "down by the lake", I helped Simon into a tent as Peter pranced away like a little fairie. No sooner had I gotten Simon some water, which he insisted was swirling and violet, Judas came bursting in the tent telling me it was time to go. Apparently he had been smoking with a captain in the Roman army who did not like being called "My Nigga!" by a black jew...it was definitely time for us to head out. I rounded up Peter who was knee deep in the filthy lake, searching for that mushroom pasta I had assured him was there, and we all headed back to our campsite and passed out. The next morning I found Simon passed out in a pile of urine, leaves, and half eaten tree limbs on the edge of the road a few yards from our tent and decided it was time to head home. So I only made it 6 days this time. Oh well. Anyway, once again I am sorry for my period of absence, and hope to update you as to the happenings in the life of me, Jesus Christ, on a much more regular basis. I look forward to talking to you all, and if you are one of those people who thinks that I am offending myself by writing this or whatever you're on about, just smile and say "Please pass the milk!" because this live journal is meant to be fun for everyone! Hugs and Kisses Jesus P.S. Happy May! Current Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun | | Monday, April 18th, 2005 | | 5:47 pm |
Bailing Mary out of Trouble
Mary got herself in a bit of trouble last night, and naturally I had to bail her ass out. She was working the 1-4 AM shift on Steinbloom street, and I guess she ended up heading off to some seedy motel with a banker named Noah Heimen. Not only does the man have a terribly unfortunate name, but he apparently also has an icredibly disturbing fetish involving three pitchers of warm milk and a boa constrictor. Simon, Judas and I had gotten loaded and were walking up and down streets smashing in mailboxes with an aluminum bat, and we just happened to be outside of the Red Roof Inn as Mary came running out into the night, naked and screaming with a large snake and short, fat man with a small penis following close behind her. Judas introduced the boa to his good friend "Louisville Slugger" and after that I think Noah got the picture, because he quickly resolved to head on home. We took Mary out for some pancakes at J-HOP (Jewish House of Pancakes for those of you who have never been hungry late at night in Jerusalem), and then dropped her back off at the brothel.
Tomorrow, Peter is throwing a party at the bowling alley where he works/lives. He has a nice little room in the back, it's not very big, but then again he spends most of his time volunteering at the local Elementary Schools and conducting the Temple Bethel Boys' Choir. He really loves helping out in the community. Bless his soul. Anyway, the party will probably blow, so Judas and Matthew are pitching in for a keg of some imported Roman wine, and Luke and I are going to round up some chicks. Simon isn't going to make it because he's going to some toga party at the gouvernor's palace. Pilate's a really boring guy, but I guess his parties can be fun. I wasn't invited though: go figure.
Time to go clean up a bit, Mom and Joe are coming for dinner, and he always makes snide comments under his breath about how "squalid" my place is. This from the jerk who was too cheap to get a fucking hotel room so I wouldn't have to born in a goddamn horse trough. Consequently, the first thing my naked, sinless, holy body touched in this world was a bucket that animals eat out of. Thanks for that one Joe.
Peace up; J-town down.
Jesus | | Saturday, April 16th, 2005 | | 6:08 pm |
Judas, Peter, and the Pool too. It was so damn hot today. What a time for my AC to break. And of course, when I say AC, I mean that pagan flute player named Clarence (i'm pretty sure he's gay) that follows me around waving a palm leaf in front of my face to create a sort of breeze. Anyway, Judas was over for some brownies and this Clarence fellow accidentally knocked Judas' Mountain Dew off of a TV table. Judas responded in a way that I'm sure seemed rational at the time, breaking both of the slaves legs with a nearby golfclub. A 7 iron, if my memory serves. So anyway, Judas and I had our brownies, and then ended up going to the pool. I was praying to god that peter wouldn't be there, because if there's one thing that's an absolute buzzkill, it's having to talk to his bitch ass. Sure enough though, there he was in the deep-end of the pool, playing "priests and schoolboys" with a bunch of neighborhood kids. There was something just a little bit off about it. He was too enraptured to notice us though - thank the lord - but the screams and giggles that kept coming from that end of the pool got real annoying after a while. We didn't have to deal with the noise for that long though, because i swear we hadn't been in the fucking pool for more than 5 minutes when someone yells "DONKEY!" and we all have to get out. How a fucking donkey got into the swimming pool, i haven't the slightest clue...but that shit quagged me out like crazy. Then this crazy roman guy came running over to the edge of the pool crying and screaming at the donkey, which was apparently named Gomez. Who knows what he was saying. They finally got the damn thing out of the pool, but then of course the water had to be drained so they could sterilize the whole thing and what not. Anyway, Judas and I just said "Fuck it" and went and got some taco bell. Just thinking about chalupas is making me ravenous. Peace the fuck out. J-Unit Oh Yeah, P fucking S - Larry, can you get off my nuts about your shitty ass little carpenter business? I mean, that's real noble work you little jewish dupes are doing down there...but just because I worked there a couple summers during high school while i was trying to scrape together money for booze and bitches doesn't mean i'm going to start giving handouts now that i'm famous and shit. Did you forget about that time you and Carl though it would be funny to staple me to that gypsy conestoga? Oh yeah, cause I sure as hell didn't. Jerkface. Current Mood:  <-----Can you say "Gay"Current Music: Weird Al Yankovic - Lasagna | | Monday, April 11th, 2005 | | 8:09 pm |
When it Rains it Pours...
And our softball game got rained out. Thanks for that one Dad.
The game was supposed to start when the sundial got half-shady, but thanks to the big man upstairs...our field was flooded. Naturally. I really think we were going to win this one too. Simon was starting on the mound, and he's one crazy mother fucker. He generally either strikes you out, or hits you in the head, and either way...I think our team gets the edge. Hey but at least I won't have to deal with Peter's whiny ass out in right field. He's such a pussy. He won't even swing at the goddamn ball, and then I put him out in the field, in the one position where he can cause the least self-destructive damage, and he ends up getting distracted by flying insects or the hotdog man or something equally trivial. Then the little fag ends up dropping a goddamn popfly or tripping over his own damn sandals. What a mess. But fuck this rain! We were playing the Egyptian Heathens today too, and I really think we would have whooped their blasphemous asses.
Oh and another thing -- Judas' landlord decided not to turn the marijuana plants his wife found over to the authorities. Thank god. If there's one thing the fucking Romans are uptight about, it's recreational drug use. The story goes (and of course this is an unconfirmed rumor) that Gouvernor Pilate got really fucked up on some shit that was undoubtedly laced with PCP or something, and started quagging out like crazy. And I guess he never could get a hold of the guy who sold it to him, so he just decided to crack down on the whole industry. It's a real shame.
But yeah, so Judas is living in the Jerusalem West Elementary gymnasium for now. I'm not quite sure how he manages not to get kicked out, but I guess the school hires all black janitors so he just sort of tries to blend in...occasionally emptying a trash-bin or sprinkling sawdust on some kids vomit. I guess it's better than living in the woods.
Well I gotta go get ready for this halloween party tonight at Burger King Solomon. I was going to go as King Herod, but my friends tell me that that really wouldn't be funny so I guess Captain Hook it is. Peace out!
Jeeeeeeeeeeeeesus
Current Mood: cronked
Current Music: JKwon - Tipsy | | Saturday, April 9th, 2005 | | 8:53 pm |
Jesus doesn't do dishes.
Well I got kicked out of my apartment today. Yep, just like that. Just because I said I didn't want to do the dishes, which was completely reasonable seeing as how I hadn't even used ANY of them. I'll admit I did get a little angry, and I think I might have called Noah a "dirty whoremouth jewbag" or something like that...but I honestly don't remember. I was too caught up in the moment. Even if I did, that doesn't merit being asked to move out. And fucking David just stood there with his arms crossed the whole time and kept shaking his head and looking at me as if I were a fucking dissapointment or something like that. News flash: I'm God on earth you stuck up mother fucker.
Anyway!
I saw a show this afternoon, some stupid play about the Moses and the pharoah or something like that...it was a piece of shit, and the third act was wayyyy too long. I also have my doubts as to whether or not that whole sub-plot about Moses getting a blind idol-worshiper pregnant is historically accurate. Also, there was some schmuck in the row in front of me that kept laughing at the most innapropriate moments. Like I understand that Moses lighting his fart on fire to kill time during the third plague is funny, but I definitely don't think that laughter was merited during the scene where the Pharoahs son was violated and then killed by the Angel of Death. Maybe I just don't get it.
So I'm going to be living with Simon for a while. It should be alright, he keeps to himself most of the time, and I got invited on his weekly fishing trip, so I've got that going for me. I was going to bunk in with Judas, cause that's where the party is always at...but as it turns out, he got evicted last week when Mrs. Greenstein (his landlord's wife) stumbled upon the weed he was growing on the roof. Judas is a cool guy, but he does the dumbest things sometimes. I swear, one of these days he's going to get someone killed.
Well, gotta bounce...time to go to fucking church. I'll catch you all on the flip side.
Stay Cool
Jesus
P.S. Is it just me, or does Nas fucking suck?
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Jay-Z - Girl's Best Friend | | Thursday, April 7th, 2005 | | 8:48 pm |
Peter and his Tomfoolery Okay, Peter is really getting on my fucking nerves. Does he have to follow me everywhere I go? Honestly. The other day I tried to go to this fucking company picknick on top of this big hill by the office, and naturally Peter just invited himself along: "Hey, Jesus! Can I come with you?" "Uh...yeah I guess, Peter. Just don't bring anyone else okay? Oh and bring a dessert dish for the pot-luck." What does the little prick do? Not only does he forget to bring a goddamned dessert platter, but the bastard brings like 285 friends to my frickin private party. Naturally there wasn't enough food to go around, so I had to waste my entire afternoon divying up like seven fish and half a dozen loafs of bread amongst a goddamned brigade of hist frickin stoner friends. Oh yeah, and last night...I was having this really weird dream, that someone was watching me...and I wake up and Peter is standing over my fucking bed, just like staring at me and breathing all heavy and shit. I was like "Peter what the hell are you doing?" and this what he does: "Ummmmmmm..." He says as he awkwardly looks around. And then he starts flapping his arms like a fucking bird or something, "Yoouuuuuuu areeeee dreammmmminnnnnnggggggg! Thissss Isssss Allll A Dreammmmmm!" I told him to shut the fuck up and go to sleep, and I think I made him cry. Poor guy. But he's just such a social misfit. Oh well, time for lunch! Your Pal Jesus P.S. Everyone in the posse keeps giving me shit about letting Judas in. I think it's because he's black. I don't want to say anything, but I mean he's a cool guy and all. And he's the only one of us who can roll a decent joint. Current Mood:  hungryCurrent Music: Trick Daddy |
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
thediaryofjesus's journal