PURE FUCKING EVIL Theatre
Posted on Wednesday, November 9th, 2005 at 9:42:00pCurrent Mood:
accomplished
Current Music: Sailor Moon: Another Story Opening Theme
 Hello, and welcome to PURE FUCKING EVIL Theatre. I am your host, Hawkbait, punk-ass cat extraordinare and former MSTer. Today's selection is the Opening Sequence to the wonderful SNES RPG, Sailor Moon: Another Story, as translated by Bishoujo Senshi Translations. Please enjoy. |
|  Does he, now?
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|  He is... a rambling man.
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| Kittens.
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| IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!
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|  *screams like a girl*
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| Elementary physics is explained!
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| Somehow, this reminds me of crossing the streams.
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| INSERT CHEESY PORNO MUSIC HERE
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| "That sounded really retarded, didn't it?"
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| "Are we there yet?"
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| BOMP CHICKA BOW-WOW
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| "You know, it's really quite extraordinary how Britain looks nothing like Southern California."
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| "It's shiny!"
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| I REITERATE: IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US
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| Translation: Big Fuckin' Rock
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| Everyone? It looks like three people to me, folks. By the way: Isn't this the 30th Century? If so, why is the picture all 1900-esque?
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| The Riddler is scheming?
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| Hopefully, this will not involve the kidnapping of your girlfriend, or the President.
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| GASP! A VICIOUS GANG! OF VICIOUS-NESS! Watch the fuck OUT!
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| Range-rover. Toaster! MICROWAVE!
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| Oh. Well, that's good, too.
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| WE GOT SIGNAL !!
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|  "Usako! Where's your vibrator?!" *SLAP*"OWIE!"
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| Mamoru, clearly using TEH FORCE in this shot.
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| Well, considering how that evil funk from Ghostbusters 2 made that toaster dance, I'm not so sure.
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| The Whossa-whatta?
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| THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!
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| He's new! With wings!
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| "And so, my opportunity to get a great piec-- OWIE!"
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| "Erm, sorry, babe. You know how friskay that dress makes me... ... 
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| "But, you ARE the Sailor Senshi!""No, I mean, not just me, the other ones, too.""Yeah, but you're talking about them like you don't know them."
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| "Well, I haven't seen them in so long, and I must keep my distance from them. Our relationships have changed, they are now my protectors, and I protect them as well, but--""HEY GODDAMMIT!"
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| "Yeah, I know, but... that sounded so cold. You shouldn't let all this power go to your head!""No, I make sure that it doesn't. It's just... well, is it really proper for me to address them so casually, and consider myself amongst them? The citizens of Crystal Tokyo don't seem to like it..."*grumble*
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| "No shit, Usagi-chan.""Wha' did you say?""... I said I had a bad itch."
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| "You wanna talk strange? How come I'm not all human? You're nearly as powerful as God in your current form, Usagi-chan! Why am I all kitty-ey? The things I was supposed to guide you through in this form are LONG OVER!""Umm...""WHAT'S BLACK GOT TO DO WITH IT?!"
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|  Did you get the Lottery numbers?Uh, who are you?
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|  *rubbing stomach* THE SPIRITS... ARE ABOUT TO SPEAK.
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| Why, yes! That can be the ONLY explanation!Comet will make your teeth turn green!
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| Uh, excuse me---Why, yes, it is! Comet, it tastes like gas-o-line! Excuse me...
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| SEE?!?! THEY SEE THE LIGHT! A WHOLE LOT OF 'EM!Ma'am--Comet! Will make you vomit! So eat some comet and vomit to-daaaaaaaaaaaay! *triangle ding* ...
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| Ooh! Ooh!Ion cannon!Doorstop!Psi Emitter!Tachyon Emitter!What the fuck is a Tachyon Emitter? ...
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| Oh. That's good, too. Who the fuck are you people? Naughty kitty! Never forget you are EDIBLE!
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| Locked in a drawer, next to the bottle opener.In the closet, for it is gay and the outside world is Politics.Once again, who the FUCK are you people? The new hire-ies for the theatre?
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| Urge... to adopt Italian accent... immeasurable...Out to the lobby?THE SONG! SHE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD NOW! Okay, fine, if you're not going to answer my questions... I'LL PLAY YOUR GAME, TREBEK!Hey! What?
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| Oh my God!What?YOU CAN TALK!...And meanwhile, high above the city, people draw things to make them look like Mega Man 1.
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| CUE GODZILLA
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| *scream* "Hello, my name is Claudia, and this is my midget manservant, Escobar!" DE PLANE DE PLANE EH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEHHHH-HEEEEEEEEEHHHH HEH-HEHHH-HEHHH-HEHHHH-HEHHHHHH!"OH MY GOD! RENFIELD NO!"
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| These are not the droids you're looking for.
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| "No, you dumbass! I just wanted to stalk fourteen year old schoolgirls before I went about my nefarious plan toWHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU LITTLE SHIT?!"OWIE! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!
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| "Also, we need to throw this coke bottle away.""Is this the edge of the world?""Hey, where's that building going?"
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| ... NO, REALLY?!"Y'know, they could just be breaking and entering like Shaggy and Scooby do-- *SMACK* OWIE!"
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| "No, we just came here to look at them once and then pay them no mind."
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| "Our destiny?""Yes, with a capital D.""And that brings me to darts!"
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| "Y'know, you're the one who wants to get laid, not me! Why you gotta drag me around to do everything?!""Now, now, Annie, we must obey our Lord. Lord Apsu has done so much for us.""Like what?" "Food, shelter...""... fucked up wardrobes."
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| YEAH WE GOT THAT ONE THANKS"Kismet. Fate. Destiny.""Yeeeeeeah. Destiny. Mm. Destiny. Woo."EVEN NOW YOU MAY BE QUALIFIED FOR A NEW CAR! Low credit? NO CREDIT! HALGUAHGALGUAHGLUGH
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| "I... could really use that college money." "I hope they don't put me in any confined spaces."Hey! Where have you been?Gainin', gatherin', achievin'. I miss anything?Yeah, most of the opening.Groovy.
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|  "Yo! What the dilly-o?!" "I be chillin', homes!"..."Chill yo' ass on afta me, nigga! I ain't bailin' yo' ass out of prison no more, motherfucker!""Sheeeeeeeeeeeeet negro!"Strangely, I feel left out and glad at the same time.
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| "It? Well, I believe "it" is a pronoun, used for objects or when referring to things not considered persons--""Can you define the word 'is'?"
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| "The future, in which you got me an ice-cream cone and a teddy-bear!""I foresee only beatings in your future, child."REMEMBER KIDS, THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS, DON'T GO OUTSIDE, OR YOU COULD GET RAPED BY A CLOWN
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| "Your visions of anal violation and frozen dairy treats bring both laughter and joy to this tired old face!"
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| "Wha-- WHAT DID YOU SAY, BITCH?! *click* I CUT YOU, FOO'! I CUT YOU!"That has got to be the strangest Spanish accent since Scarface.SEH EHLO TU MAI LIL FREN!"Yes, strangely, my boyfriend was in it, and he was raping you in an alley with a broken beer bottle to your throat."...
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| "Mamo-chan?! Oh, girl, don't worry about that! That's not rape! You see, that's just a little game mommies and daddies play--"*click* Is that a gun to my head?Yes.Oh. Is this where I shut up?Yes.Well, okay then.
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| "BAKA!""AHO!""BAKAMONO!""BAKAYAROU!""ANTA KUSOYAROU!" *proceeds to choke Chibi-Usa like Bart* |
| "It involves the very conditions upon which the continued existence of the human species depends on!""Well, how important?""It's about a Defcon 4, I think.""Is that red or orange?""I don't know, seeing as this isn't America and I don't understand English.""SANKYUU-BAARI-MAACHU! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
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| "... you're an idiot."(as Barry White) You know, baby, you mean so much to me...Wanna... hold youuu... tighttt...Wanna... make you... feel... all-right...Wanna... molest you... all night...Weren't you a pedophile in the series?Yeah. The Japanese have a hardon for that kind of stuff.
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| "Who could it be NOW?! Gackt? Prime Minister Koichiro? NAMBLA?""No---""Ted Nugent? A really big ant-eater? Ten thousand thousand slimy things?""No, it's--""Is it door number three?""USAGI-CHAN!""I'd like to buy a vowel."
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| "... did they have tentacles?""... uh, wha? No.""Phew.""Why?""... you don't read the fan-porn-comics made about our series, do you?""What's porn?"(as Chef) "... Goodbye, children!"
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| "The Care Bears say we're gonna have to use the power of sharing.""Perhaps bonghits will fix this problem."
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| "But of course, otherwise they take over the Earth, kill me, and really piss off TBA.""Who's TBA?""Some rabid freak I had to get a restraining order against."
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| "That's almost as weird as the time we got onto that giant comet and whooped Mamoru's gay child-hood lover!""Yeah, that was pretty screwed up.""Especially that part where he was trying to molest Mamoru."You know, the word Molest when used by you really doesn't conjure that great an image.Hey! I'm not a pedophile! I just played on one TV!
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| "Else Wayne Brady's gonna have to choke a bitch.""Go Usagi-chan! ^__^"
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| "Even if they start breakin' up the furniture.""Even if I have to molest them silly.""What if you have to give up your virginity to save the world or something?""If that happens, I'll pause the action, write a letter to my Congressman, then come back and use the Painful Male Anal Rape Stick.""Its name is 'Moon Scepter', Usagi-chan."
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| "... and you are Tonto!""That's Tito! Toto was what we had last night for dinner!"Boy, you sure gotta love that Asian Racism being accepted in movies, don't you?It's what this country was founded upon, Fishy-wishy!Also, violent rape, murder, and systemically torturing people for your own gains.Yay!Wait, wait, I want to do another one."I am Sailor Moon... and you shall be my puppy! I shall love you and hug you and play with you and call you GEORGEEEEEEE! SQUEEZE HURT CRUSH MAIM BLEED LEAK LEAK LEAK"I am Sailor Moon... and Juliet is the East!"
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| *humming Mega Man "GOT WEAPON" music*YOU GOT-- TIARA MAGICYOU GOT-- BIRD-CONFUSINGLY BRIGHT QUANTUM TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCEYOU GOT MAIL
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|  "So watch your ass, l'est I put a cap in it, beeeeeeeyaaaaatch!"
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| "And, Carl, if you need anything else, there's the Moon."Look! It's the side Pink Floyd never talks about!Where's the HA and the chunk missing?Look, they're in my pants!
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| (to the tune of "2001: A Space Odyssey Theme, otherwise known as Zarathustra's Awakening)DUN...DUN...DUNNNNNNN DUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM
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| "Oh my God! It's full of stars!""Oh my God! They killed Kenny!"HOLY SPARKLY MONKEY CHRISTMY EYES! MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES hey wait what's the John Hancock building doing in the middle there? o_OMy guess is that it's resting, waiting to make its next move.
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| *scream*IT'S COMIN' RIGHT FOR US!
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| STOP IT YOU'RE SCARIN' THE SHIT OUT OF ME!
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| "... is also presented to you by the number 4 and the letter Q."
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Special thanks to Lycretia for the custom Cere Cere sprite. (That is no longer being used. Yes, it took that long to complete this.) Special thanks to Mistress Mina 09 for the custom Fish Eye portraits. (Half of which don't get used in the MST segment.) Special thanks for the Sailor Pluto sprites, the super and the eternal one. (Both of which are never used in the MST segment.) Special thanks for the Fish-Eye sprite.
 | Hawkbait, a.k.a. Felix R. Host of PURE FUCKING EVIL Theatre, and resident smartass.
Is portrayed by George Wallace. |
| TBA, a.k.a. the Author. Sort of like the Architect, but doesn't look a thing like Colonel Sanders. Happens to be batshit insane. Co-host of The Newwwwwwws, along with several others.
Is portrayed by George W. Bush. |
 | Fish Eye, apparently transformed back to her evil-induced form, but no longer evil. Also, no longer a pederast, apparently, although the Federal Government still has the final say in that.
While that's a nice theory, in actuallity she's just the actress who played Fish-Eye. Is quite ditzy, and kind-hearted, but occasionally says things that make you want to hide the knives where she won't find them. Is portrayed by Wesley Snipes. |
 | Unknown. Apparently, the friend of the Author, and co-host of The Newwwwwwws. Her name still remains to be discovered, though, from what's been seen, her name might just be "Some Motherfucker You've Never Heard Of".
Is portrayed by Jesse Jackson. |