I got to see The Dark Knight Saturday night.

That is one of the best movies I have ever seen in my entire life.
The writing if superb. The Joker is remarkable. The action is amazing.
I will see this movie again real soon.




I also saw Wanted. It wasn't too bad, I liked it.

"Daddy"

by Haven Walkowiak

I'm missing the Warped Tour today.
bands I wanted to see: Story of the Year, Reel Big Fish, The Academy Is..., Relient K, Anberlin, From First to Last, As I Lay Dying, Against Me!, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Every Time I Die, Norma Jean, Evergreen Terrace, Alesana, The Devil Wears Prada, The Audition, Madina Lake, HorrorPops, A Day to Remember, Set Your Goals, We The Kings, Forever the Sickest Kids, Maylene and the Sons of Disaster, Every Avenue...

Yea, I got sunburned at Myrtle Beach this weekend, but only on my back. Ouch.

But oh boy did we have a pretty good time.

First off I went to Haven's school on Friday and spent 2 1/2 hours there with her, we learned some Spanish, she showed me some of her work and how they do things there, we had lunch, did a little more work then headed out. After that we left for Myrtle Beach.
We just had fun, we played video games, played on the beach, swam in pools, went to restaurants, watched people fish, went for walks together, shopped.... Haven and I spent a lot of time together. It was good.. at the same time ever time we stopped or every time I was alone....
I missed my wife.

( lots of pictures )
Haven is my life... this little girl is perfectly amazing and I love her with everything I am.
That love for Sarah, is all still there too. I missed her terribly this weekend. Haven and I talked about her as usual. Haven says things like "Daddy, if you and Mommy are nice we can be together tomorrow." and I say "okay Haven, I hope so too" or "I'll try" or "I'll ask Mommy if we can".
My heart really is completely broken. I don't think I will ever get over this.
It's such a terrible feeling. I do not want a divorce. And there is nothing at all that I can do about it, and Haven and I... it's just going to be us for a long, long time. But that will be alright, because we love one another, I will always be there for her, I will never lie to her and I will always do everything I can to see that she gets whatever she wants and needs.

And that's all that matters.

July 13th @ The Brewery, Raleigh, NC

I decided Haven and I are going to Myrtle Beach this weekend.
After this week, I need it.

It's been so freaking bad.
I still don't want a divorce.

Oh my God, I'm so upset.
I just found out someone used Haven's identity to go to a psychiatrist using my insurance plan.

I have to call the office this person went to (which is ironically the same place I go too) and find out the information I can then call the police and file a report. How can something like this happen?

Found out Sarah took Haven but decided to try to keep it hidden from me. Major violation in our custody agreement..

- Over night we had some really bad storms that dropped about 3 inches of rain on Fayetteville resulting in part of the ceiling collapsing right on top of my motorcycles.
- Haven had a good day at school. Her teacher mentioned to me that Haven spoke about how happy she was that Mommy and Daddy aren't fighting anymore and are talking nice to one another. I don't know where she's getting that from, Sarah won't talk to me at all.
- All I have to do is send in the paperwork to my attorney and the date for our custody hearing will be any day I choose between July 23-25... of course I want to give Sarah a chance to talk to me.. but she won't talk so, I guess I have to do what I have to do. It really seems like she doesn't even care.

( on with the show )

Custody mediation went as expected this morning. I stated my intentions of wanting full custody with Sarah having visitation every other weekend, a few words were exchanged and then Sarah walked out.

So, I let my attorney know that I want to file the paperwork and we'll go to family court, (one of these days) it is a very long wait for something like that, so for now, things will stay the same and Sarah and I will continue to fight.

I hate this. This is NOT what I want to do.

Some photos from this weekend.
And you get to see Haven in her glasses!

Family Reunion / My brother's soon to be wife's parent's house


( pics )

A year ago tomorrow Sarah started the physical side of adultery in our relationship, well, I guess I don't know that for sure, it may have been earlier... well... it doesn't matter anymore.
Tomorrow, though, will be a new beginning of destruction and pain in our family.. tomorrow we go to custody mediation to reconfigure our custody arrangement with Haven and we aren't going to agree on it, that means it's going to go to court and we will start a custody battle that will continue for the next 15 years.

Things are so awful. I can't believe this is the way life has ended up like... poor Haven is suffering so bad. She misses our family, she's doing bad in school, she tells me she doesn't like Mommy or Sarah's Mom.... And here I am, going for majority custody because my wife doesn't pay enough attention to her own daughter... and not to mention the woman I chose to spend the rest of my life with will divorce me in less than a month so she can continue to add to the number of men she's slept with in the past year... five (maybe) and counting...



I can not believe it.. I am so sick of all this shit.

Over the past few days I've been off work and sat here, alone watching movies. Thank God for the instant viewing on Netflix. I hook my laptop up to my TV and my surround sound system and go to town. In 3.5 days I think I've watched around 15 movies.
But what I really want to talk about is one I just watched. 100 Girls.
This is one funny movie. If you like chick flix that are good for guys and girls (like Knocked Up) then this is the movie for you. Watch it.

1) How old do you look?
I would say in my mid 20's.

2) Where is the person who has your heart at this moment?
I have no idea.

3) Are you waiting for something?
I am. But I'll be waiting forever.

4) What were you doing at ten last night?
Watching a movie.

5) Last myspace message you received, what'd it say?
A girl asking me to help out with a rollerderby logo.

6) Can you handle the truth?
I never get it.

7) Did you cry today?
Yes. I cry almost every day.

8) Do you hate the last person you had a conversation with?
No.

9) Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
No. I honestly don't even think she knows why she's done it anymore.

10) Last person you hugged?
Haven

11) How many piercings do you have?
3.

12) If you could have something right now, what would it be?
My family.

13) Does anyone call you babe?
No.

14) Where does most of your family live?
Around Charlotte.

15) Have you ever thought about getting your belly button pierced?
No... not at all.

16) What did you receive for Valentine's Day?
Nothing.

17) Have you ever had a panic attack?
In the past year, several.

18) The last time you told someone you loved them did you mean it?
I told Sarah I did, I meant it.

19) Have your parents ever smoked pot?
Oh yea. Lots.

20) Want someone back in your life?
That's obvious.

21) Do you live near your most recent ex boyfriend / girlfriend?
Yes.

22) Are you good at giving directions?
Not really, not around here.

23) When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
Last night.

24) What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Jelly and bread.

25) Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an M?
Hum... I don't think I have.

26) Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
Warm.

27) Does someone like you right now?
No.

28) Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
No. I'm naked.

29) Who's on your mind?
Haven. Sarah.

30) On the opposite sex where do you like them to have piercings?
I love Sarah's hood piercing.

31) If you could make out with someone right now, would you?
Sigh...

32) Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something?
Yes.

33) Have you ever kissed someone at midnite?
I'm sure I have.

34) What is your favorite drink?
Sweet Tea.

Photos from the weekend.

I spent the weekend with my family and it was pretty much awesome.
Haven and I had a great time together and really, I'm sad to see it end since Haven has to be with Sarah for the next few days.

One thing we did on Saturday was picked out a dress for Haven to wear in my brother's wedding in October. My little flower girl is going to be sooo beautiful. I can not wait!

( Pictures! )

Now I'm home for the rest of the week with nothing to do till Saturday morning when I get Haven again.

This morning I took Haven to the eye doctor to look at something that's been under one of her eyes for a few months now, it's a bump that comes and goes but we thought it might be a sty.

Haven had her eyes checked and well.... my poor little girl has to get glasses.
Makes me so sad that she has to go through this already, I know how much of a pain glasses are.

And the sty thing under her eye is meibomianitis, a clogged oil duct and we'll have to try to get rid of that or she will have to have surgery eventually.

Since my old phone died in a watery grave, tomorrow I will be the owner of...


The Sprint Instinct.


I've been wanting a new phone for about two months now, so I hope this one will work out for me.

I stepped into a swimming pool with my PocketPC in my pocket... so, I no longer have a phone.

It was underwater for a good minute, to my surprise, today, it powers up. Touch screen is gone and some of the buttons don't work anymore, but still, that's pretty amazing.
Although, unusable.

Time to get a new phone.


Haven and I are having a wonderful vacation so far though!

Today is my Friday. This week we started something that a lot of companies are doing now, four day weeks. Did you know staying home one day a week can save 20% of your weekly fuel usage? Not to mention company expenses such as electric bills stuff like that.
So, three day weekend, with nothing to do and no money to do it with.

I also want to say something about how wonderful my perfect little daughter is..
She came to be a little while ago, sat on my lap, put her little hands on my cheeks, looked me right in the eyes and said..
"Daddy. Next time you see Mommy will you tell her to let you come over and stay and tell her to not yell at you and me and you and Mommy can sleep together and I can sleep on the couch. And then you can go to the park with us. And tell Mommy not to tell you no. Don't let her tell you no, Daddy.. Okay?"

and the tears streamed down my face.. I know that little girl will never give up hope

It's Friday and my weekend to have Haven so I'm heading to Charlotte this afternoon.
And really, that's about it.. nothing else new for me.

( A to Z thing )

Pretty much my one and only friend in Fayetteville was fired from where we work today... chances are he would have quit soon anyway because he's pretty sure he's going to join the Air Force.

It sucks though..

I thought I did nothing on the nights when I didn't have Haven before... wait till now.
Sigh..


On a more positive note I had a freaking fantastic weekend! As usual. And I managed to find Sailor Jerry's Rum at the ABC store in Lake Wylie and between my brother and I downed the whole bottle straight.

Then I had a Van Helsing or two.

Yo Ho Ho, its a Sailor's life for me... and yes, I was drinking on a boat.

It was docked, but still, it counts.
Right?

Spending the weekend in Charlotte with family and friends!
Haven and I are out of here.

:)

Friday: I left out of town and went to Fu's Tattoo to meet up with Nathan. My brother and a few of his friends were already in downtown Charlotte for Speed Street. So, we walked around there for a little while but there were way too many people around for us to want to stay there for long. Especially after we saw a band called Rev Theory take the stage that was enough for us to want to leave. My brother stayed with his friends at Speed Street because Ashley (Matt's girlfriend) wanted to stay and see Kellie Pickler perform. So, Nathan and I headed out to the Penguin for dinner where we met up with is wife, Connie. And after that over to Snug Harbor to see our friends' band the Poontanglers. Then headed to Matt's house to sleep.

Saturday: Went to my Uncles house first off to give him some music I'd downloaded for him. Then over to Fu's Tattoo to visit with Nathan followed by an attempt to have dinner at Cantena 1511, but that failed due to an hour and a half long wait.
So, we went to Matt's favorite Japanese restaurant instead where we met a fantastic couple and ended up staying there for hours talking to them and playing with their kids.
After that met up with Bo Legg and friends and rode around on his boat on Lake Wylie till 3am.

Sunday: Lunch at Matt's girlfriends house, dinner at a Mexican restaurant with friends then over to my Uncle Joe's with a bunch more friends till around 2am or so..

Monday: I woke up and came home. I had some yardwork to do and to spend the evening with Haven. :)

Just about the best three days I've had in pretty much a year. I loved every second of it.


Also my new favorite beer is Rising Moon by Blue Moon. And my new favorite drink is Jagermeister with Monster energy drink.

I had the best weekend ever.

I'm all packed up and heading to Charlotte/Rock Hill/Lake Wylie for the extended weekend.

Got $7 in my pocket, but who needs money when you have friends?!?!

I spent the weekend with my Haven and my Mom and here are a few pictures.


( click )

It was a fun weekend. I also ended up going to a party with my brother Saturday night and hung around with a lot of my friends. Over all I had a great weekend and am really looking forward to this coming weekend since it's a three day holiday weekend. Party time coming up!

Iron Man is one of the best movies I've seen in a long time.

And if you haven't seen it yet, and you're a big comic book nerd like me, wait till after the ending credits, there's a scene that will make you want to crap your pants.

Sarah and the Rogue Rollergirls are in our newspaper.

Heaven and Hell on Wheels

It's been a week now since I've started taking Lexapro and I can say it's changed my whole outlook on life. I know and recognize that it's chemical induced and that this isn't just "me" but at the same time I have to acknowledge the fact that if this is what people normally feel like on a day to day basis then I do see how bad off I have been, maybe my whole life.
I recognize I was depressed and have been maybe since I was in Jr. High school. It's like the first time you put on glasses when you never knew you needed them... I never knew you could feel like this.
I have not cried in a week.. I almost did Saturday looking at pictures from the day I married Sarah, but only a single tear streamed down my face. I have not thrown up, I have not been angry, I have not been so bad off I wished I were dead.
I feel complete and good and I feel it all on my own without relying on Sarah or anyone else to bring me what I felt I needed in order for me to be "happy".

This has also lead Sarah and I to be able to get along really well. I love my wife, I really do and I hope that this can help turn our separation around I understand how hard I have been to get along with and I know it had to have been very difficult to be with someone like me. And all I can do at this point is try, hope and pray.
Speaking of Sarah, she got a (pretty much) brand new Honda Fit yesterday. It's an adorable little car and she really loves it.

Other than that, nothing much is going on. Work, home, work, home.. that's my life. I may be going to see Clutch play here in Fayetteville this Saturday but I'm not sure yet. As of right now I can't find anyone who wants to go with me, and I really don't want to go to a concert alone, so I may not be going... this is when it really sucks not having friends.

So.. On Monday I started taking an anti-depressant drug. Lexapro is an antidepressant in a group of drugs called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Lexapro affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause depression or anxiety. So, basically, Lexapro is used to treat anxiety and major depressive disorder.

I've always been hesitant to take drugs that would "manipulate" my mind. I always thought that I would never be given anything that I couldn't handle. I know I was wrong about that, and I did and do need help with my depression through this separation and eventual divorce.

It's so far it's kind of weird. In the mornings after I take it, I can feel the exact moment it reaches my brain. I get a little dizzy, and maybe jittery and that lasts for a few hours then a little after noon, it really works out great! Like right now, this drug is kicked in full time, I almost feel euphoric or high. Though later on tonight, if it's like last night, I'll crash and get kind of depressed again. I've also had trouble staying asleep for the last two nights. At home there are less distractions than at work, and the reminder that I'm alone and missing my family a lot.

I know over time this will even itself out, you have to be on this drug for approximately 4 weeks before you can see the real true effect. But right now, I can tell it's working. I was just able to talk to Sarah on the phone for 45 minutes and it was a great conversation.

And yes, I still love my wife. I doubt I'll ever be able to get over that, but at least now, the sting of it won't make me cry every single day.

Our pictures from this past Saturday. Discovery Place and my Grandparents' home.



( click )

Six years ago today I had one of the best days of my life, met the woman I would marry and want to spend the rest of my life with… and today, on that anniversary, I start taking anti-depressants.

Today, Haven and I are in Charlotte. A few days ago I heard that Discovery Place was starting up a new dinosaur exhibit today so I knew Haven, having learned about Dinosaurs recently in school, would love to see this... plus all the other stuff of course. So, if anyone else is in the area wants to go, that's where we'll be today :)
I love having the opportunity to have fun with Haven like this, it means the world to me.

The past 24 hours have been amazing.
I don't think I have had that much fun in a year.
:)

I woke up early so I'm doing this..
( q&a )

Spent the weekend with my family in Charlotte and did nothing at all. It was raining all weekend so we just sat around. That's fine with my little daughter though, she just likes being with family. And really, that's all that matters to me too.

Today though was a different story.. it makes me so sad coming back to Fayetteville. I broke down in tears while driving no less than four times.

I got a call from Jenn LuMaye of Q98 that I won the "At-Work Snack Attack" when I entered online... maybe a month or two ago. So, on Wednesday around 3 she'll be stopping by my work with a Jersey Mikes Party Platter, Cheerwine soda and some Lance crackers.



Yay, me.

These are some other Pictures taken at my Grandmothers (Father's side) as well as from Easter morning after the Easter Bunny came.


( lots of pictures )

My birthday was pretty uneventful. And anyone that I said to you "I'll bet my wife won't say one single word about it, or even get a card or gift from Haven to get to me" I was right. Nothing.
Today though, my family made a big deal about me turning 33 yesterday and it was a good day. Also Haven and I dyed some Easter Eggs for tomorrow..


( Easter Egg dyeing fun. )

It's my birthday. I used to hate this day so much, I get to this point, this "special" day a milestone if you will and all I am reminded of is that my life was at the exact same place as it always was... spinning my wheels. In fact I would spend every birthday alone, usually not by choice, it would just end up that way. I would go to dinner and then a movie to try to make myself feel a little bit better about it.
Then I met Sarah and fell in love, got married, had a child and my family, the one thing, the only thing that every mattered to me in life was there, I had my dream.. and my birthday all of a sudden had a new meaning. I no longer feared or hated getting older. I no longer felt like each growing year was a waste from the one before. I was happy.

Now, I'm back to the way it was. Turning 33 today and my wife has left me and my family has been taken away, I think I'm about to loose my job and can't stand to see or talk to my wife because I am hurting so bad.. I cry over her every .. single .. day.
I am another year older and I have to start over with my "life".

Today is my birthday, and I have never been as unhappy in my life as I am right now.

Instead of sitting at home by myself for three days straight I came to Charlotte to spend time with my buddy Nathan and my brother, Matt. We'll have lots of fun.

I miss my daughter terribly. She was so affectionate the last time I was with her (Friday morning) and really wanted to spend some more time with me. Poor little girl.. she loves her Daddy so much.. it breaks my heart.
Next weekend we're going to have so much fun though! It's my birthday and Easter! I'm really excited.

Last night Haven said she wanted to draw "like Daddy" so she picked up my light box. Not to long ago she watched me draw a picture for a rollerderby flyer and I used the lightbox to trace a photo to get the shape of the girl for that flyer.. and Haven picked up on it.

But what she did amazed me.


( photos )

How can you be so hurt by someone and still love them so much?

I'm kind of excited tomorrow the landlord is going to start on getting me new cabinets for my kitchen. I don't know if I talked about how torn up they are when I moved in or not, but they are pretty bad off. A lot of the doors don't stay closed and some of the drawer bottoms are rotted and falling out.

( old cabinets )

So, I started this morning packing it all up into boxes and now I won't have a kitchen for two days or so, but that should be alright. I bought some plastic stuff so Haven and I can still eat and drink here.

Speaking of Haven.. here's a picture of her watching her "computer". She seems to prefer watching it on her lap rather than the big TV most of the time. She's adorable.
( Haven )

I am officially head over heals in LOVE with..
...
..
.

LOST.


If I ever had any doubts of that show, they were completely salvaged last night.

I guess I'm over due for an update of some sort of what's going on in my life.

But with my current way of thinking that if I don't have anything good to say, I shouldn't say anything at all, well, that leaves me very little to say to anyone.

I have Haven every other night and every other weekend, so Sarah and I have shared custody, split 50/50. And I guess that's all I should say.. since that's the only thing remotely positive.

For the past five days I have been beyond sick. I left work on Thursday at 10:30, got home, laid down on the couch and didn't go anywhere but from there to my bed till this morning. It is the sickest I've felt in a long time... maybe forever.
I, of course, had the flu.
I still don't feel better, but I knew if I didn't show up for work today people would be freaking, now it's just a waiting game to see who feels this bad next if I do indeed spread this vile sickness around.

I'm glad I didn't die, because I felt like I was going to.

I'm pretty excited about Lost coming on tonight.. I know it's not the season 4 premiere, but still. Tonight is the last episode of season 3 but with pop-ups of hints and neat things on the episode you may have missed the last time you saw it.

Also, all you lost fans out there, have you seen this video called..

All you need to know about Lost in 8 Minutes 15 Seconds



If I had friends, I would defiantly have a Lost party so everyone could watch it with me on my high definition big screen TV. And make some Dharma labels for beer and food, just like the Losties got airdropped to them.
Wait a minute... if Dharma can't find the island, then who air dropped that food to them.. any why? Ahh.. I love that feeling.. the wonder, the confusion. I know it's only going to be 8 episodes this year, but I will cherish every one of them.