Terri Schiavo's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] terrischiavo [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

LJ worky? [02 Jun 2007|01:00am] Fucking LJ. I've been trying to make a post for 2 days but no dice. Bullshit. 47 comments|post comment

[10 Apr 2005|10:53am] I mentioned before that halo color is an indicator of circumstances of a person's death. There's one group of people with halos the color of...ummm... oxidized copper, I think. Like the Statue of Liberty, but a bit brighter. They are the most loud mouthed, profane, obnoxious, rudest, and PUSHY group of people in all of heaven. They act like they own the blessed place, which is pretty fucked up since I hear they've only been here since September 2001. 444 comments|post comment

Come and knock on my door.... [08 Apr 2005|11:48pm] OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!! John Ritter is here! I can't believe Jack is dead, too! The shit you miss spending 15 years in a hospice bed... Next thing they'll tell me John Travolta had a comeback, and Oprah lost weight. ~*sigh*~ I'm gonna go smoke some weed with Jim Henson and Carl Sagan. Maybe Belushi will turn up. Or maybe he OD'ed again. I think he has a drug problem. 112 comments|post comment

Witch Hunts [08 Apr 2005|10:57pm] Hey Guys! We need to talk. See, I love what we all have here. You guys get a glimpse of heaven, and I get a taste of earth. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. But, the problem is..... THE BAT-SHIT-CRAZY-TROLLS. While I am flattered that I seem to bring out the lioness in all of you, I somehow feel like it distracts us from our real purpose here, which is for me to get laid while you guys watch. I am going to let you guys decide this one: Do we lynch the trolls, or do you want me to internet-abort them as they post? (I need an answer pretty quickly too, because visionturtle64 has really pissed me off, and she insulted all of you, my dear friends. We really shouldn't let that stand; she started it. You guys nail her to the cross, while I go fuck a thin John Belushi. 175 comments|post comment

In case anyone was concerned.... [07 Apr 2005|10:39pm] Johnnie Cochran has agreed to represent us all in the event we are sued. A shout-out to furious_angle for the heads up. He figures it will go down like this: Judge: "So let me get this straight... you're suing people on an internet journal friends list because they made you cry?!?" 124 comments|post comment

[07 Apr 2005|01:01am] Apparently banillacoke does not like me very much. I'm glad that more than 500 of you do! 117 comments|post comment

It's as if she was never here... [06 Apr 2005|09:41pm] ...and we'll fix that. I still have all of heavenly_melody's comments in my email, though the job of copying and posting them is much bigger than I have time for right now. I'll do it when I have a chance. I think we'll all miss her. Heaven is still awesome. I finally got some sex today: a 3-way with John Holmes and Princess Diana. It was heavenly having my face buried in Diana's snatch (which tasted of jizz because she had spent the morning with Hunter Thompson...mmm... liquid gonzo!) while John rode me from behind like a rodeo bull. I'm not even sure which hole his dick was in: all I can remember is that it was big and it hurt and it felt awesome and I hadn't had an orgasm in over 15 years until the several I had today. 120 comments|post comment

[06 Apr 2005|08:46am] I heard that Prince died, but then I found out they meant Prince Rainier, not the cool one. What was strange was the flash of "OH NO!", followed by, "I get to meet PRINCE!", followed by, "Shit! Wrong prince". Not very christian of me again, huh heavenly_melody? 227 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2005|06:06pm] I just learned that my body was cremated last Saturday. ~*blink*~ I guess you really can't ever go home again, huh? 125 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2005|09:38am] It's been crazy up here in Heaven since MC Fresh Karol (Pope John Paul II's new name in Heaven) arrived. There have been non-stop parties and festivities. It's kind of like what I remember Spring Break being like: lots of people inebriated and partying, with lots of indecent exposure. If I had a video camera I could make an "Angels Gone Wild" video, because I've seen dozens of angels lift their robes to expose their lack of naughty bits for anyone who would throw them some papal bling. I'm still learning my way around, and as you see, still working on getting my body and brain back to normal. I hope to shed this stupid wedding hat soon. It's been difficult because of the amount of recovery I've had to do, thanks to the way I deteriorated in that goddamned Hospice. (It's OK to take the Lord's name in vain here in Heaven if you have the proper approval forms). If my parents had just accepted reality and let me die years ago, I would not have so much recovery to go through now. I'm sorry you had to see me in that tard-like state, and I am very embarassed about my appearance. I can't believe my parents did that to me, making me into a hideous media spectacle. I talked to Jesus about it, and he said that God/Allah/(insert name here) had assured him that my parents MOST DEFINITELY would not be coming to Heaven, at least not the good part where I am. A lot of you have asked a lot of questions about Heaven, and I am doing the best I can to answer them, but I do not have all the time in the world. It's very busy here, especially for new arrivals. From what I can ascertain, just about every musician, artist, and author is here, since God has a soft spot for those who try to create new things, what with Him being the "Creator" and all. But in the same vein by which He made the universe with the Big Bang gazillions of years ago, and has left it alone and not intervened at all ever since, God detests busybodies who always try to meddle with everything. He especialy detests those annoying people who claim to be doing things in God's name, and assume that they can speak for His will. As Jesus told me, "Those people don't know shit, and my pops is gonna get medieval on them as soon as they die, especially that batshit crazy heavenly_melody." Apparently there are torture chambers in Heaven for those people. Good. I'll provide a more interesting and anecdotal report next time around. 109 comments|post comment

[03 Apr 2005|03:09pm] As you would expect, it has been wild up here in Heaven since the Pope died. There's been parties and parades and all kinds of stuff. It's been keeping me very busy. Plus, word got to me that the Pope wants to meet me in person, something that is unusual, I hear. Popes get rapper names when they come to Heaven, and I hear this one will go by MC Fresh Karol. I think it has something to do with the fact that no one on Earth wears more bling than rappers and the Pope, and that both degrade women. You'll also notice that I am getting my looks back. Now I look OK, but have that ugly wedding hat on. Hopefully soon I can shed it and look even better! There's a few things I wanted to mention, though, about Heaven and some of the crazy stuff I am seeing here. * Jesus finally got back from Las Vegas. He's been busy since arriving, and I have not yet had a chance to talk to him. However, I have seen that wherever he goes in Heaven, he travels by pogo stick. One of you had asked about that and I wanted to let you know. * I danced around this topic earlier when discussing housing and the roommate situation, but now that I have figured out what is going on here I am obliged to let you know: there is gay marriage in Heaven. It really is like San Francisco here. Amazingly enough, the general consensus is "love is love, and everyone deserves it". That definitely is one thing the churches on Earth have WAAYYY wrong, and their dumb little sheep are in for a rude surprise when they get here. My guess is that about a third of the people in Heaven are gay, maybe more. It is a well-known secret that Jesus' pogo stick is often seen lying on the ground outside of Freddy Mercury's bungalow. Hmmm... BUNGalow, maybe that is short for "bung allowed". * Not all bad people go to Hell. Some of them come here and have restricted lives or exist in servitude. I already mentioned that the folks who have to pick up dog shit are former clergy; specifically, they are the clergy who did awful things like lived extravagant lifestyles, injected religion into politics, or buggered little boys. They are essentially "untouchables" here. * Poetic justice is alive and well in Heaven. For instance, TV preachers who spewed lies from the "idiot box" on Earth live in plexiglass boxes in Heaven and can never leave. They can look out and see Heaven, but can never participate in the splendor and glory. It is tortuous for them, and sometimes people go by and mock them. That's all for now. I'll update more soon! 261 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|08:13pm] [ mood | aggravated ] I am pissed. The way housing works here is that everyone can have a private bungalow, unless you choose to live with another person, or a group of people. Families often share homes, and women tend to have room-mates until their husbands arrive. Men generally live alone, and children tend to live in small clusters with grandparent types who look after them. But the point I was making here is bungalows. Modest and comfortable little bungalows. Well, the word on the Streets of Gold is that The Pope is getting a frigging TREE HOUSE! That sorry-ass-poverty-promoting/women-oppressing-shit-bag gets a TREE HOUSE! I hope that bitch comes with a noose. 127 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|01:27pm] OK, wow... things just went crazy here in Heaven. I think the Pope just died. Everyone is freaking out. Edit: Apparently not. But preparations are still going on like crazy. It will be soon. 113 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2005|07:27pm] [ mood | heavenly ] OK, I'm in Heaven now, finally. It's not at all what I thought. First off, you need to buy a ticket to get in. Most people pay installments on the TITHE plan (Ticket In To Heaven Expense). If you have not fronted the money, they don't let you in. And since I never gave enough money to the church to earn salvation (I spent it on hairspray, food to barf up, and then later on the bills for being kept as a vegetable for 15 fucking years... thanks a lot Mom and Dad, you assholes), Heaven did not let me in right away. I tried to explain my plight to St. Peter, but he did that annoying "world's smallest violin" thing where people rub their fingers together. It's appropriate that a dick like him is named Peter. I was able to borrow enough money from Johnny Cochran, who was still in line. Seems that Heaven has a 3-day waiting period for admitting black people. Who knew? It sucks to be black even in Heaven! Racism is everywhere! Plus, there is a lot going on in Heaven right now. They are busting their butts trying to get ready for the Pope, who is due any time. There's lots of banners and stuff everywhere, mostly in Polish, so it looks like all of Heaven needs to buy a vowel. So anyways, I finally got in, and went straight to the buffet. WOW!!! So much food, and it was all so good. I stuck a couple of french fries into my feeding-tube-hole for old times sake. I ran into Karen Carpenter there, who said she has been at the buffet ever since she got to Heaven. She has not gone anywhere else. I also saw Kurt Cobain getting a slurpee, and Laura Ingalls Wilder getting some sushi. Turns out she loves the stuff, but never had it before getting to Heaven. There is so much to tell you all about, but I do not have time right now. There are some seminars and orientation sessions that I have to attend. I still look like I just got off a short bus, but they tell me that you get your favorite look back after a few weeks. I'll post more soon. 246 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2005|10:03am] [ mood | dead ] *gurgle* *croak* I'll report from Heaven soon. 232 comments|post comment

[31 Mar 2005|08:40am] This is Major Tom to Ground Control I'm stepping through the door And I'm floating in a most peculiar way And the stars look very different today..... 63 comments|post comment

[30 Mar 2005|11:10pm] [ mood | still starving ] Did you ever go to the grocery store as a kid, and pick up the coconuts and shake them to listen to the milk swishing inside? That is what it sounds like when my body involuntarily spasms and my head bobs. If you've never done that before, try it sometime and think of me. While you are in the produce section, look around at all of the vegetables and think of me. And then, when you finally get to check out when you are ready, think of me, because I can't. Imagine if you were trapped in the produce section forever with a swishy coconut and a bunch of rotting vegetables. It sucks. Bad. You'd think with all of the vegetables around this Hospice that it would be easy to get a tossed salad (the *only* thing I can still feel), but I only get that when Randall Terry visits. I wish Jeb would stop by and toss my salad. I know he wants to. 41 comments|post comment

[30 Mar 2005|08:18am] [ mood | comatose ] One of the Hospice nurses told me this morning that I was going to be at the back of the line at the Celebrity Entrance to Heaven. Apparently some guy named Johnny Cockring or something died yesterday. I never heard of him. Sounds like the name of a porn star. She also said that Jerry Falwell is very sick and may die, but she whispered to me that she doubts he'll actually go to Heaven. And then there is me and the Pope. I was unable to acknowledge her comments, though I did randomly tremble and grunt a couple of times, causing my dad to think I was quoting Shakespeare or something. Looks like another boring day ahead, unless I go ahead and die or something. 91 comments|post comment

[29 Mar 2005|03:35pm] [ mood | hungry ] Did you hear that the Pope may have to go get a feeding tube? http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/rssstory.mpl/front/3106365 It would be cool if we could hook the ends of our tubes together and gradually consume and poop one another until we are both gone. My poo bag would be full of Pope, and his would be full of me. That would be awesome. 53 comments|post comment

[29 Mar 2005|10:58am] [ mood | blank ] Another day, another holler. I'm just lying back in bed, occasionally twitching or convulsing enough to mess with the minds of my parents. Nothing new to tell. NNNYYYYYYYYUUUUHHHHHHRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 35 comments|post comment

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