Talyesin's Tales

Teaming up with Powerband, the Crimefighters' League tried to stop the new criminal gang the Revolutionists from stealing an Aztec statue from the Museum of Ancient Art and Archaeology, only to have the criminals teleport away. As they were giving their statements to the ACPD, however, a broad-band Action City Alert was issued - The Mime was back in town...


Starring!

Matt Mattheson ......... as Squirrelman
Kimmy Sinclair ................ as Ragdoll
Rick Duncan ........................... as Ace
Lisa Dumont ................... as Physique
Anna Kimble ................. as Darklight
Stephanie Cooke ............. as Blue Jay
Jay Allen ........................ as Red Bolt
Mike Washington ............. as Dragon
Trevor Andrews ............... as Phenom
Jessica Wagner .............. as Rapunzel
Katie McCormick ............ as Superia

Guest Starring

Hank Scott ............... as Powerband
Rob Ross .................. as Ultraman
Rosie Ross ...............as Ultrawoman
Ryan Ross ..................as Ultraboy
Rory Ross .................as Ultragirl




I've never liked mimes. I've always found them sort of weird and vaguely creepy. And I'm a grown man who dresses like a squirrel on a regular basis, so I know weird.

Powerband's announcement hits us like a ton of bricks.

"Aw shit," Ace says.

"You can say that again," Red Bolt agrees.

"That's not possible," Ragdoll says, shaking her head.

"But I thought-" Rapunzel adds.

"Who's the Mime?" Physique asks.

We look at her. Even I know who the Mime is, even if it's only a memory flash.

Black unitard. Whiteface makeup. Beret.

Fifty storeys of him.

But Physique was in suspended animation when he last attacked Earth, when Team Title threw him into orbit around the Sun somewhere in the Oort Cloud.

"An interplanetary nuisance," Ace says. "He travels from planet to planet putting on his mime show and wreaking havoc. One hundred seventy metres of complete, destructive silence."

One thing I will never, no matter how long I live, get used to about this alternity is the fact that the United States switched to metric here back in the seventies. Doc Sterling convinced the government it was the smart thing to do. I'm not sure I can forgive him for that.

"Okay, so?" Physique asks. "So he won't yell and moan when we kick his ass."

"No, you don't understand," Ragdoll explains. "He can... His miming affects reality. He 'walks against the wind', it causes hurricanes and tornadoes. He 'opens the umbrella' and makes it rain. He 'skates' and the ground gets slippery. He 'chops wood' and it splits open buildings, streets... people."

"Bummer," Physique says. Sometimes I forget she's from the eighties.

"Okay, so, he got back from outer space," Ace says. "How do we stop him?"

"The Mime's a little out of our league, isn't he?" Rapunzel says, worried.

"Hang on," Powerband says. He fiddles with something on his visor-band and tilts his head like he's listening to something. "Team Title's fighting a volcanoid invasion in Hawaii... The Sterling Squad are in the Atomiverse... And TeenSupreme are fighting the Dock Street Do-Badders who are rioting on other side of town. Looks like we're it, folks."

"Ace, we're gonna need the whole League for this," I say. Ace pulls out a communicator card and starts making some calls. I turn back to Powerband. "Where's the Mime now?"

"Byrne Square," he says.

"Okay folks, let's get gone," I say, and we jump to it. Powerband puts me and Ragdoll in a force bubble, Physique gives Rapunzel a lift, Red Bolt's gone and Ace hops on his card.

"So what happened to you last night?" I ask Ragdoll on the way.

"I had a presentation to do this morning," she says. "All my prep was at my place. And I wanted to talk to Jessie about catering."

"Catering? You mean for the wedding?"

"No Squirrelly, I thought I'd have Saturday's breakfast catered. Yes the wedding."

"Already? You're serious about getting married before Christmas, aren't you?"

"Of course I am," she says, giving me a look that says 'how could you even think I was kidding about that?'

I get close and do something I never do.

"Kimmy... what is the rush?"

She looks at me, surprised that I would use her secret ID in costume. She looks at me for what seems like a long time, then hugs me.

"Matt,"she whispers. "We live a dangerous life. We're about to fight a fifty storey mime from outer space. And that's not even the weirdest thing that's happened to us this month. I'd marry you right now if I could. But to get the wedding we want, it'll take us at least two months to get everything in order. I want to be married before my birthday. I want to be your wife as soon as possible, because I don't know what could happen. Anything. And I don't want to lose you."

I just hold her. It's a pretty good reason.

"Hey lovebirds," Ace calls to us. "We're almost there."

Byrne Square is a nice little park with a fountain in the middle and a few trees dotted here and there, located just outside of where Uptown really begins. Fronting on it is the Byrne Building, an ugly grey monolithic office building, forty storeys of functional steel and glass. The other three sides of Byrne Square are nice little buildings, none taller than ten storeys, pleasantly designed. The Byrne Building towers over them like an angry, ugly bully, too short to be part of Uptown, too tall to fit in with its neighbours.

Towering over the Byrne Building is the Mime. He's doing that thing where he rests his elbow on an invisible counter and rests his jaw on his fist, his eyes closed, miming that he's napping. No mere words can describe the completely surreal experience of seeing a five hundred foot mime.

I spot the others. Superia. Blue Jay. Phenom. Dragon. Darklight, on top of the Byrne Building, where I see a red blur rush up the side and stop on the roof next to her. Off in the distance, the ACPD are setting up a safety cordon, getting bystanders out of the area.

"Powerband!" I yell to get his attention, pointing to the group starting to gather on the roof.

He flies us over and we land. The Mime hasn't noticed us yet. I introduce the others to Powerband, and hand every Leaguer a nanobead.

"Are we it?!" Dragon asks. "You gotta be shitting me!"

"I shit you not," I answer. "Every other team in Action City is busy."

"Not everyone," Blue Jay says, pointing.

We look. At first, I don't see anything, but that soon turns into four specks. The four specks become four green and yellow dots, then four flying people in green and yellow costumes, big yellow U on their chests.

The Ultras. I'm a little annoyed at how relieved I feel, but the Ultras are big guns. Not that I don't think the Crimefighters' League couldn't take the Mime, but having the Ultras here will make it that much easier.

They speed up, green and yellow streaks against the blue sky, slam into the Mime from behind, square in the back.

He mimes surprise and then mimes the whole yawn-stretch-I'm-just-waking-up thing.

We all yawn.

This is going to get annoying really fast.

"HIT HIM HARD!" I yell. "EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT!"

Phenom, Physique, Powerband, Superia, Dragon. We've got big guns of our own. Red Bolt sets up a whirlwind, running around the Mime. Physique grabs a car and tosses it right at his head. Phenom jumps as high as he can, hits the Mime right on the chin. Dragon blasts the Mime with a huge belch of flame. Superia grows to about fifty feet tall - I didn't know she could do that - and tries to tackle the Mime.

Nothing. No effect. None of it. He's still miming that he's making coffee and breakfast. I'm getting hungry watching him.

"Fuck!" Ragdoll says.

The Mime mimes the sudden gust of wind thing, and suddenly the wind picks up. Gale force winds. Strong enough to knock us off this roof, if we don't watch out.

"Rapunzel!" I say. "Tie us down, quick!"

Her hair snakes out around our ankles and around the pipes and whatnot sticking out of the roof, just in time. The wind picks up as the Mime starts walking against the wind, strong enough that the others are knocked out of the sky. I sort of make out Red Bolt tumbling out of control down the street to crash into a bus stop shelter. The Ultras catch our team, carrying them up and away from the fight.

The wind dies down as the Mime starts juggling invisible balls.

"Christ, we're getting our asses kicked here," Ace says.

"No shit," I say. I'm trying to think how to beat this guy, but I've got nothing.

The Ultras land on the roof with us, carrying the rest of our team.

"Any ideas?" Ultraman asks, all business.

"Why don't we hit him all at once?" Ultraboy says, although he really should think about a new name since he's about fifteen now. Ultrateen, or Ultradude, maybe. "Everyone hits him as hard as they can, all on the same side?"

"Because it didn't work before?" Ultragirl snarks her older brother. She's about thirteen, no need for a new name for a while.

"Mom!"

"Both of you, stop!" Ultrawoman scolds them. "Now is not the time for this."

"I agree," Darklight says.

"It's not the time for witty repartee?" Phenom asks. He loves this life, you can see it on his face, hear it in his voice.

"It's always time for witty repartee," Physique laughs.

"But that wasn't exactly witty," Red Bolt smirks.

"No, I meant I agree with Ultraboy," Darklight says.

"Darklight?" Ragdoll asks.

"Uh, guys?" Dragon rumbles.

"Oh crap," Powerband says, just as the Mime mimes opening an umbrella.

Ragdoll said 'he makes it rain' but what she didn't make clear was that it would be a torrential, rain-forest-like, cataclysmic opening of the sky to dump thousands of gallons of water on the immediate area. We're washed off the building, no matter how tight Rapunzel was holding on to us.

Falling again, in the rain this time. Great.

Luckily we've got no shortage of people who can fly to catch us all, so we land on the ground soaking wet but alive. Of course, the ground has a foot and a half of water on it, trying to rush away, making our footing a little slippery.

"Good thing no one has lightning powers," Ultragirl says.

"That only happened one time!" Ultraboy argues back.

"Hell," I say to myself, then loud enough for everyone else to hear, I say, "Okay! We're going with Ultraboy's plan. Everyone spread out. When I give the word, we hit him as hard as we can. Physique, you and Phenom think you can throw that truck? Good. Aim for his knee. Dragon, Superia, take the other knee. Red, you okay?" He nods, panting a little. "Okay. I want you to set up another whirlwind, only around one leg this time. Rapunzel, we need to wrap up his other leg. Powerband, I want you to put a force bubble around Blue Jay's head - Blue Jay, set up that sonic blast thing you can do, and when she's ready, Powerband, you turn the bubble into a funnel, like those old megaphones. Ace, you me and Ragdoll are going to see if we can't get his attention. That leaves you, Ultras. What powers do you have this time?"

The Ultras get different powers every time they transform from the mild-mannered normal suburban Ross family into the Ultras. They always have a basic standard superstrength, invulnerability, flight sort of deal, but they always have different powers beyond those. And different costumes in the same colour scheme, which is how they would up with public identities.

"Right now, we have plasticity and animal telepathy," Ultraman says.

"Well, if Ultrapooch was here, our animal telepathy might be useful," Ultrawoman says.

"That plasticity will be fine," I say. "Wrap yourselves around his shoulders, upper arms, whatever. Anchor yourselves to the light poles, the trees, anything that isn't going to get uprooted easily. When we hit him, you guys pull."

"Sounds like a plan," Ultraman says, and leads his family into the sky.

"Okay, spread out, team," I tell them, and they do.

"Where we headed, son?" Ace asks.

"Up," I tell him. "We go up. Go, I'll be there in a second. I need to talk to Anna."

Ace and Ragdoll soar up on his card. I turn to Darklight.

"What do you want me to do?" she asks.

"You figure out how to beat him," I tell her. "Because this is just a stalling tactic. Cast a spell to figure out how to stop him."

She gives me an odd look, but says, "Alright."

I race up the Byrne Building, my mind racing just as fast. We need something, anything, to act as a diversion.

I get to the roof. Ragdoll and Ace are waiting.

"What now, son?"

"Now we-" I look around the roof. "That power box. Come on."

The Mime starts skating in place and everything gets slippery as shit. I skid over to the power box and kick the lock off.

"Ace, hotwire this bitch, will you?"

"What're we going to do then?" Ragdoll asks me.

"Hope it works," I tell her, then I activate my nanobead.

"Squirrelman to all Crimefighters," I say into my fist. "Now!"

I slide over to the edge of the roof and watch them. Gotta give them credit, they do exactly what I asked them to do. Red Bolt sets up a tornado around the Mime's left leg, Rapunzel wraps her hair around the right. Physique and Phenom toss a tow truck at the Mime's right knee, Dragon and Superia barrel into his left. Blue Jay nods she's ready to Powerband, and the yellow bubble around her head becomes a megaphone, just as the Ultras wrap themselves around his neck.

"Now Ace, throw the switch!" I yell.

Ace throws it and all the power in the building goes out. It actually seems to get the Mime's attention. Then Blue Jay lets loose her sonic blast, and it shatters more than a few windows. The Mime grabs his ears and reels back a step, just enough to be knocked off balance by everyone else. He crashes to the ground.

"Yes!" Ace yells, punching the air.

"Not so much," Ragdoll says.

The Mime stands up and dusts himself off. Then he mimes spitting into his hands and picking up a something heavy.

"Get out of there!" I yell into the nanobead. The team reacts, splitting off every which direction.

Superia stops. Goes over to a car. Rips the door off. Reaches inside.

The Mime drops the heavy thing on her.

A couple dozen cars are flattened by something huge and invisible. The street is crushed to rubble.

"KATIE!" Ragdoll screams.

"Ace get us down there now!" I order.

We jump on his card. Flying toward the ground is a lot like falling. Only instead of feeling sick because I might wind up street pizza, I feel sick because no one could have survived getting crushed like that.

The team is already there. She's lying face down, cradling something under her.

The Mime is miming playing a violin. Sad music fills the air, loud enough to make us need to yell.

"She's alive!" Phenom shouts, carefully turning her over. Guess I shouldn't have worried too much. She's called Superia, after all, not Kind-Of-Goodia.

Under her is a little kid, who starts to wail. Red Bolt grabs the kid and runs him over to the police safety cordon.

Darklight runs over to us.

"Anything?" I yell over the violin music.

"We have to think like a Mime!" she answers.

"What does that mean?" Dragon roars.

"To beat the Mime, we have to think like a Mime!" she yells again.

"Okay! How would a mime beat a mime?" I yell to everyone.

You know when you're in a bar, talking loud, and suddenly everyone else stops talking and the music switches between songs? The Mime stopped playing a split second before I started yelling. Everyone looks amused. Superia's waking up, Ultrawoman and Blue Jay helping her stand.

"Trap him in an invisible box?" Ultragirl says.

We all look at her.

"Look out!" Phenom yells.

The Mime is miming a golf shot, with us as the golf ball. We scatter, Ultraman not quite fast enough. He gets knocked probably halfway across town.

"Rob!" Ultrawoman yells, soaring after him.

"Fucker!" Ultraboy yells, launching himself at the Mime.

"Ryan, no!" Ultragirl yells at her brother.

The Mime is miming ping pong now. Ultraboy gets paddled into the Byrne Building. Through it, really. Ultragirl chases after him.

"Okay, that's it," I say. "Powerband! How about it?"

"Huh?"

"Put an invisible box around this guy!"

"Squirrelly, my fields are pretty visible. Transparent, sure..."

"Fuck!" I say, then I turn to Darklight.

"Anna, you gotta do it," I say. The Mime is miming being at bat now. The Byrne Building suddenly sprouts a second hole right through it to match the one Ultraboy made.

"He's awfully big," Darklight says.

"But you can do it?"

"I'll try."

"Superia, you okay to boost Anna?" I ask. She looks shaky but nods.

Superia stands behind Anna and puts her hands on her shoulders. Anna casts the spell just as the Ultras all get back.

The Mime gets trapped in an invisible box. He looks confused and scared.

"Yes!" Ultraboy yells, fist punching the air.

"Good thinking, Rory," Ultraman says.

"Thanks Daddy," Ultragirl smiles.

"And hey, how about a hand for Darklight and Superia?" Ace says.

"Aw fuck me," Dragon says.

"Language!" Ultrawoman warns him. He just points at the Mime.

Who's miming pulling a key out of his pocket and opening a door in the invisible box.

"Oh fuck," Ultrawoman says, then claps a hand over her mouth.

The Mime steps out of his invisible box. He's staring right at us.

"Uh oh," Ultraboy says.

The Mime mimes picking up an axe. He mimes spitting on his hands.

"This ain't going to be good," Dragon says.

"Scatter!" Ultraman yells before I can.

We scatter. A huge gouge in the street tears open.

"Oh man," Ace says.

"Seriously," Ragdoll adds.

"Hey, Ultras!" I yell over to them. They fly over.

"Okay, look," I say to them. "We need something else, nothing we've got is working. Can you guys change back and change again, reboot your powers?"

They look at each other.

"We've never tried it," Ultraman says.

"No reason it shouldn't work, Rob," says Ultrawoman.

"There's no guarantee we'll get anything useful," Ultraboy warns.

"Can we Daddy?" Ultragirl asks.

"Only one way to find out," he says, and they join hands.

"ULTRA! ULTRA!" they all yell together, and there's a flash of light and a crack of thunder and suddenly they're standing there in different green and yellow costumes. With capes, this time. Big flowing yellow capes. Big yellow U on their chests.

"Well?" Ace asks.

"Audio amplification," Ultraman says.

"We're dead," Dragon adds.

"No, wait," Blue Jay says. She's thinking. She looks up at us. "We're going about this all wrong. Anna, your spell told you to think like a Mime, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"Look out!" Rapunzel yells.

This is getting old. We scatter. Another gouge in the street.

We get back together.

"What does a mime want?" Blue Jay asks.

"Adultation," Superia says. "He wants the recognition of his audience."

"Exactly," Blue Jay says, grinning that gorgeous grin of hers. "Ultras, you can amplify sound?"

"That's right," Ultrawoman says.

"Then amplify this," Blue Jay says, and starts clapping.

The Ultras point their hands at Blue Jay and her clapping suddenly gets as loud as cannonfire.

The Mime stops mid-swing. He looks surprised.

"It's working!" Physique says, stepping up beside Blue Jay and clapping too.

The Mime starts miming the oh, stop-false modesty routine, smiling hugely.

"Everyone!" I say.

We all step into the sound amplification zone the Ultras have set up. The applause we put out gets deafening. The Mime starts taking his bows and mimes accepting flowers. He throws kisses to the audience. We keep it up, a standing ovation for the alien invader. Ace and Physique even whistle.

The Mime mimes opening a door behind him, waving all the while. He steps through the door, waves one last time, and closes the door behind him. He starts walking in place, only, as he does, he starts getting smaller. Not actually getting smaller, but smaller in perspective, smaller and further away, walking in place the whole time. Which pretty much confirms my opinion that reality warpers hurt my brain.

After a couple dozen steps or so, he's gone.

We stop clapping, and start cheering.