Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
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6:51 pm
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Monday, May 12th, 2003
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8:23 pm - hmmm
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It's been years since I posted..almost as long the last time I checked this site. Weird.
Just seeing if this still works.
:)
current mood:  curious
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(2 Matches | Light My Fire)
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Saturday, February 15th, 2003
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5:57 pm - shut it. I don't want to hear the ridicule. :)
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Sunday, February 9th, 2003
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10:20 pm - Hello again.
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Well, it's been beyond forever since I've come to my lj to update. I don't know why it's been so long. Maybe because I've found other avenues to vent my frustration, boredom, happieness, etc. Maybe it's because I just rather not relive all the moments of my life and my thoughts when most of the time I'm just trying hard to forget them.
I think it's a combination of the two.
Who knows. I'll try to be good. It probably won't happen that way. Something to be said about writing when nobody you know can question you on every thought.
So lately my days have consisted of me battling the constant antsyness and dissatisfaction with, well, everything. I don't know..I'm happy, but then, I'm not. It's both external and internal factors. Things that are going on in my life as well as the things going on in my head. Nobody is to blame. In fact the only person that truly could be blamed is myself. I think I'm constantly expecting life to happen when really it's up to me to make it happen. But I just feel that I can't break free from expectations and pressures. I'm trying. I am trying so hard to do that. Daily conversations with an amazing friend make me want to do nothing but that. But I also know reality and the way things really would go, and I don't know..it's here that I am stuck. THis is my place for some time to come. I'm accepting it, but it doesn't make it any easier.
I don't know when I've become so..I don't know..disenchanted with everything. Nothing excites me anymore (okay, besides a dmb show). I'm just very apathetic to everything. Work, home, going out. I have fun. Truly I do. But I just feel like there is just so much more out there, so much more that will make me happy. But it's so frustrating because I have no freaking clue what exactly that is. I just feel like there is something, somebody ready to bust out of me and if I don't do something about it soon, it's just going to disappear and the opportunity will be gone forever.
I know, none of this makes sense to you. Just imagine what's going on in my head.
I'm just done. I want to get out from this sheltered world that I live in. I want to see what else the world out there holds for me beyond these 2 islands that I spend my life on. I want to get out from this cocoon. I want to feel passionate about something - hell, I'd love to remember what passion feels like.
It's very strange what's going on my head. I want to do all this, but at the same time, I can't see to get my feet going to do any of this - bcs although I know what I want in my head - in reality it's a whole other story.
I don't know. I just know there is more for me than this, and I'm just dying to find out what the hell it is.
current music: Indigo Girls - Romeo and Juliet.
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(7 Matches | Light My Fire)
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Saturday, December 28th, 2002
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2:25 pm - Lights down you up and die...
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I'm sorry. I can't get over it. I can't get over the dmb concert on 12/21. Jesus. I can't stop listening to it. I can't stop watching the bootleg video. I can't. It was just too amazing for words. The concert. The texans. The whole frickin weekend. OhmyGod..I think it all hit me at this very moment. Shit. Fuck. I want to go back.
You guys think I'm crazy. Maybe I am..but I don't care.
OhmyGod. You have to hear this crowd. Shit. That was me.
Good Lord.
current music: 12/21/02 - DMB. Ants Marching.
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(3 Matches | Light My Fire)
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Sunday, December 15th, 2002
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1:35 am - For Megan.
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I love Megan.
She makes me laugh.
She is the queen of RANDOM.
Her car is the lesbian lover of mine.
All she wants to do is make sure everybody is having fun.
"this is not appropriate restaurant behavior."
We were on the same floor, but didnt' appreciate it until a year later.
She is awesome.
I love megan.
current mood:  drunk
current music: "Song that jane likes" is in my head. Does it count?
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(Light My Fire)
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Friday, December 6th, 2002
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8:54 pm - You got to be kidding me...!
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Oddly Enough - Reuters
Texan Killed Friend Who Drank Last Cold Beer
Fri Dec 6,10:15 AM ET
BANDERA, Texas (Reuters) - A jury on Thursday handed a life prison sentence to a Texas man who shot and killed a longtime friend he accused of drinking the last beer in his refrigerator.
Jurors deliberated for less than two hours before passing the sentence on Steven Brasher, 42, for the murder of Willie Lawson, 39, on Nov. 5 last year.
"There was only two beers left, so I took one, and I told Willie not to take my last beer," Brasher said in a taped statement that was played during the trial.
Testimony showed Brasher shot Lawson in the head with a pistol after the two began arguing over the missing beer. Brasher maintained the shooting was an accident.
current mood:  silly
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(Light My Fire)
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Monday, November 25th, 2002
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8:03 am - Love.
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This just made me smile:
"i guess my message this entry is more a reminder.
it's about love.
that's always my message, especially in song.
i cant think of any better topic to write about.
i cant think of anything else that people need to be turned onto more than love.
and that it's never too late or too early to start sharing
and stop feeling so shy and foolish about it.
in both loving yourself and another,
it's the most important thing we can do.
sometimes we get caught up in trying to understand it
and we occasionally waste time asking questions about it.
stop.
just do.
you know in your heart what it feels like and how it works.
just do it. love love love love love.. "
~jason mraz from his online road journal--10.28.02
http://www.jasonmraz.com
current music: DMB -- Dancie Nancies - 2/23/95 Roseland Ballroom
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(1 Match | Light My Fire)
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Thursday, November 21st, 2002
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9:11 am - Neglect.
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I'm I going to get fined for Live Journal neglect? Arrested, perhaps? I promise I will write eventually. Life and work have been busy. However, since it seems this weekend is a "spend time with my boyfriend" weekend, I will have plenty of time on my own. Maybe I'll write then.
For now, this is all I got.
current mood:  sleepy
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(1 Match | Light My Fire)
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Sunday, November 10th, 2002
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5:21 pm - Nothing else needs to be said.
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grey street
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place"
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
She says, "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place"
There's loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of the courage
But she says, "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world"
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
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(Light My Fire)
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Tuesday, November 5th, 2002
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9:36 am - How long?
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How long can all this crap go on for? All this crap is code for EVERYTHING. I just keep feeling like every time things start looking good once again, another shoe drops and more shit happens.
I don't know. I just don't know how much more of everything I can take.
I don't know, life is just funny sometimes. Is 2002 over yet?
current mood: dejected
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(Light My Fire)
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Saturday, October 26th, 2002
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11:39 pm - Elene.
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I've known her forever.
I sat at her table and we've been friends ever since.
We smoke pot across the street from her brother.
We sing and dance in front of massive amounts of people and love it.
She thinks i'm a dork and loves every second of it.
I am her fodder.
She is my wedding. Cheers to the ever depleting wedding party!!
She is super skinny but we love her anyway.
We are going to live at my house forever and ever.
I love her to death and thereafter.
That is all.
current mood: drunk
current music: Faith -- Limp biscuit.
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(2 Matches | Light My Fire)
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11:35 pm - Lauren.
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I love Lauren.
We didnt like..or rather really know each other at first.
I love her to death now.
She loves DMB. We are going for free.
She accepts and, um, respects the dorkness that is me and DMB and all that goes along with it.
She is fucking hysterical and loves Lie in Our graves.
Her apartment is my home that i will want.
Lauren has a beautiful wedding song that I am going to steal.
Lauren is amazing.
That is all.
current mood: drunk
current music: Come sail away, come sail away with me!!!
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(Light My Fire)
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11:32 pm - mary.
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I love mary.
She is the funniest person I know.
She will plan my wedding.
She is a kick ass teacher in the worst district ever.
We love mary.
Mary O'Neil is the best person to ever walk the planet.
That is all.
current mood: drunk
current music: I'm sailing awaay....
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(Light My Fire)
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11:28 pm - life.
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Mr.sabbatical..
My life.
Mom in hospital. Mom not doing good. Mom's miraculous recovery. Mom comes home. Nurse duty.
Sometime in there, computer died, work insanely busy (hey, finding the next Ivory baby is hard work) ... hence no LJ update.
Drunk at Lauren's. Checking out ebay for DMB tix. Ordered new computer. Want a boy. Want some ass.
That's my life.
current mood: drunk
current music: This Woman's Work. Soooo good. *sniff*
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(Light My Fire)
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Monday, October 14th, 2002
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12:39 pm - Rinse. Lather. Repeat.
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One day I will update you.
One day I will update you.
One day I will update you.
current mood:  lazy
current music: DMB - The Song That Jane Likes
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(5 Matches | Light My Fire)
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Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
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5:57 pm - Delerium strikes 4 girls at work...
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Excerpts from email conversations, revolving around this fun Lifetime/Golden Girls madlibs thing online..
***
Kim: Well, Luciana seems wrapped up with Dave Matthews and her boobs....
Kim: Luciana you may want to re-apply some lipstick after all that ass-kissing....
Luciana: I'm getting WHAT removed leading towards my WHAT?~?!
geesh.
Well, Italians ARE hairy, I guess.
Chrissy: You really are the one that's picked on most often in our little bing bing community lu...although kim was going to have a chang massaged (thank you, thank you, that was all me)
Kim: Luciana, your ass-kissing days are over....you ARE the tardy tenant, goodbye!! Weakest Link - dude I'm on a roll today : )
Chrissy: Dude..i'm a lesbian??? Shouldn't that be luciana????
Luciana: But I love how DMB loves my breasts. Ahh..a dream come true...
Lauren: i should be sophia i'm slow as shit but funny as hell!
Luciana: I always end up being the slut, don't I?
Luciana (referring to Kim's use of LYLAS (love you like a sis):She just DID NOT use: LYLAS.
Ohmylord.
Hey Kim, 3rd grade called, it wants its cheesy, be-fri 4eva sayings back.
current mood: crazy
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(1 Match | Light My Fire)
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9:23 am - Any more of this, and *I'LL* need to be admitted..
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Well yesterday was a crazy roller coaster ride for my family. Yesterday my mom was supposed to have a tracheoscopy (or whatever it's called) bcs she's been on a respirator so long. Basically it's having the respirator go through your trachea. Well, bcs of the WONDERFUL nurses at the hospital (and bcs of emergency surgeries the night before when she was SUPPOSED to get it done, but then got bumped -- talk about fate), my mom was given a chance to breathe on her own before they did the procedure...and lo and behold, she was breathing 100% on her own. Absolutely amazing and wonderful. She was pretty responsive - smiling, rolling her eyes at our stupid comments and moving around (all this is due to the fact that they didn't pump her up on pain medication and morphine for once -- thanks to my aunt. This has truly been the major factor in her recovery). IT WAS GREAT. I tell you, I don't think I have ever felt so elated. After two weeks of no improvement, all this drama was really starting to get to me.
So...while we are all in the room with my mom, trying to get her to talk (it's hard bcs she's been on the respirator for so long..her throat must be KILLNG her), all of a sudden I look at her heart monitor...and see the number: 152. Um, yes, that would be her heart rate. Her extremely high, extremely dangerous heartrate. Not a second later do the machines start beeping and the nurses and doctors come running in. They make an announcement on the PA system and they are wheeling in what I assume is a defribulater machine. They kick us out of the room and we are just forced to walk down the hallway while all the doctors are running the opposite direction to my mom. My one sister is as white as a ghost, my other sister looks like she is about to cry hysterically all the while asking my aunt over and over again what's going on, my dad -- oh I don't even know..don't remember what he looked like. Me? I am the queen of denial and don't face anything until hours later. I just was walking, and focusing so hard on taking off the gloves they made us wear. It seemed to be so important at the time. Find a garbage. Need a garbage. Must get rid of gloves. Can't have gloves. Garbage, need a garbage. Talk about denial. Suddenly the nurse came running down the hall and said that my mom was completely fine. Her heart snapped right back to normal 2 seconds later. They didn't have to do anything to her. Just a freak thing. Well, not a freak thing. There's a logical explanation for it that is too annoying to write all out. But basically her heart was working so hard for her lungs, that it kinda just stressed out. That's the simplest explanation.
We all went up later on to say goodnight and she looked great again. She looked like my mom. And there was never a happier sight in the world.
Things still are looking good. Hopefully she'll be out of CCU and into her own room SOON. Then..dare I say it? Mom comes home, back to her family. I think then and only then, will the true scope of everything that has happened the past 2 weeks will truly have hit me.
current mood:  hopeful
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(Light My Fire)
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Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
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11:47 am - The boy is so smart.
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M: you know you've never lived until you've gone to DMB with luciana. I hear it's better than sex.
Some people are just in the KNOW.
Tour is coming to NYC. Tour is coming all over Metro area. Luciana is THRILLED.
And the obsession continues...
current mood: happy
current music: DMB -- Seek Up
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(1 Match | Light My Fire)
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Tuesday, October 1st, 2002
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5:26 pm
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Waiting...wanting...for a time when things were normal.
current mood:  crappy
current music: You Never Know in my head (DMB)
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(Light My Fire)
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