So Christmas has just passed and this is the 2nd or 3rd Christmas i have spent away from home. The other times i was in England. It hasn't been a good one. I ended up having major stomach stabbing pains from the night of 23rd till today. I have not been in the christmas mood at all and i dont know if that has to do with the fact that i have so much work to do, that i'm in pain, or i miss my friends and family back home, or the fact that it's so hot and sunny here that all the things i grew up with aren't there and it just doesn't feel like christmas. I"m not wrapped up under the covers watching the usual christmas movies on tv..no not the jesus religious ones but all the other ones that are shown year after year...like the sound of music, national lampoon's christmas vacation, scrouged, casablanca, holiday inn, white christmas, rudolph, frosty and my favourite, a christmas story. I'm not wrapped up in my warm sweater and double socks or lounging around in my flannel pjs eating my sister's traditional christmas cookies. I miss her lime shortbread! Where's the kris kringle exchange? throwing dinner parties or attending orphan dinner parties, etc...going toboganning in the park near by, going skating, running around in the snow. The crazy malls, the cups of hot tea at a cafe or at people houses. The presents, the wrapping paper, the smell, the city on a clear full moon night..how the whole city and street lights up from the moonlight bouncing off the snow on the ground. The candy canes, pumpkin pie, mince pies, cranberries, the smell of pine and cinnamon and all things i've come to know as winter and christmas. Sure as much as people here like to celebrate christmas with their tacky tinfoil decorations and walking aroudnd with family and i know it's all about family and friends and gatherings, and that's precisely why i haven't had a great time..because it's them that i miss back home. Remembering the dinner parties the laughs, the disasters in the kitchen, watching the kiddies open the presents and being so excited the way my brother, sister and i were when we were kids. Flipping through the consumers catalouge before xmas came to see what toy we wanted. going out to roll around in the snow in our full snowsuits and scarves and mitts and coming home all sweaty and wet from all the layers we were wearing to have hot chocolate. I remember christmas eve with the entire family over at our house and all the kids having to entertain the adults by putting on some kind of show or something...me and my bro lip syncing to johnny b good the year back to the future came out. (yah, i had a crush on michael j fox...what girl my age didn't). my brother dressing up like santa and me and my sister's being the elves distributing all the presents to everyone. i remember my my little pony's and my light bright and my monchichi and mrs wrinkle dog. remembering my family all together and it's just a bit sad...how as you grow up and things change and the family all separates to differnt parts of the world or city and life. How at one point in our lives, we were all together, trying to go through life together and that's all we had..was eachother. And as we get older and meet new people who come into our lives, those relationships we had with each other exclusively is not there anymore..that they are now shared with other people who have become our family as well. and while that's a good thing..it's just not the same and it will never will be and we can't go back there again. it just makes me sad thinking about it. about the people who have come in and out of our lives. i miss my grandpa. i miss my granny. i miss my uncle. i miss my mom. i miss my sis. i miss the kiddies. i miss my brother in law. i miss my best friends. i miss my family as it once was when i was a kid. I miss not feeling alone. i've been feeling a bit fragile lately. life throws throws things in your path and you try as best as you can to cope with it, but sometimes it's just not fair. why does everything have to be so difficult? or am i just making it difficult? am i the one who is making things more complicated then it has to be...that there's a simple solution to everything and i have to stop analyzing it to death? I guess sometimes, i'm just tired of this life that i've made for myself. I know these are the choices i have made and sure i dont regret my decisions cos even if they've been horrible i know they've shaped me to be the person i am today. but sometimes, i wish i could start things over again. well start some things over again. i'm so tired of being alone and waiting to find that person to share my life with. I had this horrible morbid thought when i was ill at home..that if anything happened to me here, no one would know. you really come to feel the lonliness when you are sick and there's no one to take care of you. I shared these feelings with my best friend and she said she can totally relate to that feeling. That if anything happened to her, no one would know. all i can do is hope...that one day i'll meet that person that i will share the rest of my life with..and it'll be easy...just really easy..and that i'll know right away and that they'll know right away as well. Until then, i'll continue to watch those romantic films and listen to those love songs and keep hoping that there's someone out there just for me and they can then become part of my family..and our family can have those christmas' like i used to as a kid with my family.

So after an arduous month and last few days, i am happy to say that I have now found a new home for me here in Saigon. The best part is, it's my own place and i got it for a really good deal. It's a bachelor apartment in one of the new apartment building in District 4 (it's a bridge away from the downtown core). I'm finishing off the last tenant's one year lease so the timing is perfect for me. It was an empty apartment (a lot of places here tend to be furnished) but for 3million a month (approx 180 USD) it's worth it. I've got to get some more stuff like shelving and a dining table set, but it's slowly getting there. This past weekend saw me cleaning and cooking and making the space my space. Last night as i was baking muffins i realized how when i'm in my place, it's almost like i'm not even in saigon...like i'm back at home in toronto and it's anice feeling to have a space away from all the madness of this city.

Life here is good. I've been busy with stuff and i've been meeting some really nice people. A few weekends back some friends and i went to this Mongolian event celebrating their independence day. It was really good. They showed a film called "Cave of the yellow dog" who's director also did "story of the weeping camel" (which i have yet to see but i want to see) and we ate food and drank mongolian vodka. They had prize giveaways and can you believe it..i actually won something..a leather wallet! I NEVER win anything! This event started in the afternoon and ended around 6pm so we all headed to cantina central for some more drinks. suffice it to say...the night had to end with some much needed dancing. So robert, charmaine, Katrina and I headed to Apocalypse Now for their 2nd floor tunes. and dancing to 80s metal was the best! Katrina and I ended up on the floor once too often as our knees and elbows can attest to...but i was home and in bed by midnight. The next night i went to watch bad education at cantina for their weekly latin film series. i haven't seen this film in ages so it was nice to revisit it again and to be able to take notice of other things i missed the last few times. I'm looking to hold a bi-monthly film night at my place, watching a film from each decade starting in the 20s or 40s (depending on what i can find here). Recently i've realized how much i miss going to see films. After seeing spiderman 3 here a few months back at the theatre, i doubt i'll be going again..too many people talking and answering their phones.

I've been going to the hip hop classes on Saturday morning and they've been great. They're such a great workout and I'm getting better at picking up choreography. We do a new routine each month and each class has us doing some techinque exercises. I didnt make it this last saturday because of a very sore neck (i pulled a muscle somehow and have been walking around like a robot the last few days), but the week before we did some crumping moves and some top rock b-boy steps. fun. fun. fun.!

work is going well. we're in pre-pro so it's going kinda slowly. we're fully crewed up for one show but are still looking for more crew and casting people. It's strange going to client meetings..cos i'm still not used to it. I'm so used to just dealing with the director, d.o.p. and production manager and sometimes the producer that it's weird and i'll still never get used to it.I'm beginning to source and drive around the city. Also think i'm gonna get more stuff built this time round.

I've been taking more pictures lately and have decided as soon as i can spare some money, to get a bicycle. I miss riding my bicycle at night and it'll be a good way for me to do more midnight walks and rides. A few weeks back i had a really bad day..one of those days where everything about this city just gets to you..including looking for a house..You thought looking for a place back in t.o. was hard, ha! try it here! brokers never have keys to places so they end up taking you to places and then once you get there, they call the owners, so you end up waiting 1/2 hour at each place for the owner to show up to open the place. Or else they'll take you to a place and ask you, what do you think? you say, can i go in to look at it and they're like, no. the owner isn't available till after 5pm (and it's now 10am). yeah, now imagine doing this at every single place...So yeah, i had one of those days and after a pitcher of sangria with my friend and some b.s. talk, i went for a midnight walk around downtown taking photos. it was really nice and just what i needed. the city is such a different place at night. so quiet and calm and peaceful, but it is also tinged with this air of how it's all going to come alive into madness in a matter of 4 hours.

It's coming onto christmas here and it's quite strange. I have to say, i miss the snow. So if you have any photos, send some this way and if you go toboganning, go down the saucer for me. :( The xmas decorations are everywhere and every kind of crazy unimaginable character is on display. i shall take more photos and post them up shortly. I don't know what i'm gonna do yet for xmas.. a lot of my friends are going elsewhere and i don't know how much of a big deal my brother and his family do for it. apparently christmas eve downtown is INSANE! a couple of friends of mine were here last year and tehy say the downtown area ends up being a big glitter and fake snow fest. everyone just sprays and throws glitter and snow everywhere but then come 11pm they all scatter home. strange! i'm looking forward to that though...i'm assuming to open the presents. It's weird..even with all the lights around, i just can't get in the xmas spirit. I guess it's the fact that it's sunny and hot that isn't doing it for me...cos for me xmas is about snow and cold and getting bundled up and drinking hot chocolate and going toboganning and skating and all that winter fun. (yeah, yeah yeah..i know....it can also be about wet socks, freezing noses, blasting snowstorms, etc).

Anyways, that's about it for now. I think i've rambled on long enough.

So after having written that long winded message about how things are going really well and everything...later on that day, i ended up losing it. Everything was just building up and the stress of it all finally got to me. I know that the way i release stress is to cry it out and i could feel it coming up slowly and well like an erupting volcano it all came spilling out on Wednesday. I was just fed up with how difficult everything is here. The housing situation was finally getting to me. i was and am so sick and tired of going to look at places and just seeing crap after crap after crap. Tired of dealing with brokers and landlords. Tired of it all. Tired about how you had to plan everything out, like if you wanted to eat a salad but you have no lettuce at home and need to go buy it but it's now 8pm and the supermarket lettuce sucks so you're stuck. just all the small things. Sure if i was eating a lot more vietnamese food then it wouldn't be so bad, but i just can't eat it 3 times a day. And all the honking and all the squeezing by, it was just too much.

I ended up calling a few friends to see who was free to go out drinking. this too got me a bit down because after having a few people say they couldn't come, i realized how lucky i was to have friends back home who were freelancing or single or lived close by that i was really close to that would drop everything for me for a few minutes of me coming over and sitting and listening. But i did manage to reach linh and lydia and thank god it was 1/2 priced sangria at pacharan!! lydia didn't stay too long cos she had to work the next day and well, luckily linh does freelance so we got drunk on sangrias. i LOVE sangria!!! we had such a good chat. it was exactly what i needed. and even better after linh headed home, i went for a walk downtown to the backpack area and all along the way i took some photos. it was really nice..walking along the quiet streets at midnight. i miss this. i used to love going for late night walks back home and it was what i needed to get my head back on straight again. And then when i got home i ended up getting a very nice text and phonecall which made my night.

As for now, my headspace is better. i decided to get my own place because i just realized how much i need my own space away from work and if i shared the next place with kenny again, it would be too much. And i realized how important finding a nice home for me is. I guess i always realized it, i just had to make it a reality for me. And one of the places that i saw is really nice. it's in an older apartment building complex but the apartment is really really nice. it's a one bedroom apartment but it's all open but not. there are no doors to the bedroom but the room is divided by a wall and the living/dining room is really big. It doesn't come with any couch or dining table, so that i'll have to get on my own...for the time being, ill make due with what we have or i can borrow from people, but i should be okay so far. i dont' think there's an air con unit in there but dad said i can take the one we have here which will save me money. i"m looking forward to making it my own place. i get a decent view of the city as well..fromwhat i can tell at night. Dad spoke to the broker today for me and in the next couple of days it'll get all sorted out. unfortunately i won't be able to move in until dec. 15th as the guy living there now doesn't move out until then. So it looks like i'll be crashing at people's houses for the next 2 weeks in december..but that's okay. if it gets really bad, then i'll just stay at some guesthouse/hotel somewhere downtown for like $10/20 a day.

that's it for now....i guess i should start packing up some more.

So it's almost close to a month since i've been here back in saigon and i figure i'm due for an update. So how has it been? A bit of everything. The first couple of weeks back was really, really difficult. I had a really hard time readjusting to the life here again. Going from hanging out with loads of friends and family with a full social life and lots of work or things to do to readjusting being alone again was hard. Well, not alone, but not having my best friends to lean on and to just hang out with was difficult. Not being able to really go for walks and talks when i was feeling anxious has been really hard. Re-adjusting to the crazy and difficulty of life here was hard. Like, everything here is just so difficult. you have to plan everything out. like, if you want to have salad for dinner, if you don't go to the market in the morning/daytime, then you can hit the supermarket but the veggies there aren't as fresh...and if you're looking to get something specific that's not "vietnamese" then you'll have to go out of your way to get it. It's the little things like that. But I'm doing a lot better now. I'm re-adjusting better now and it's partly to do with the fact that I've been doing a lot more, socially.

The last 2 weeks saw me super busy on the social front with interesting things, which is always nice. 2 weeks ago there was an art show in town of visiting artists from europe, north america, and asia. Unfortunatley, i found out about it too late, so i only managed to hit 2 events. One was a photographic exhibit on urban development and destruction. There were some interesting pieces there. The next day was music and video installation piece and closing party for it. My friend was djing it and doing some visuals for it. I ended up meeting up with a couple of friends and met some new ones. Photos to come...i took some with my fisheye camera but my flash was dead, so i'm not sure how much of it has come out. The next night my friend was djing at a club night and it was super fun. he even played me some yelle. suffice it to say, i was the only one yelling and dancing like mad when it came on. oh well. it was fun. Earlier that evening i went to my first wine tasting. Learned a bit about the whole thing and it was great fun. I think i shall do it again sometime. it's a monthly thing at this wine shop and i got to try some really good white and reds. I'm not usually one for white wine but these ones were quite good. We ended up going for dinner afterwards at "com nieu saigon" where if you order rice in a clay pot, they cook it until it's hard (like burnt rice). then one waiter at one end, cracks the clay pot and throws the rice to the other waiter at the other end of the room to catch on a plate. We had some yummy tamarind shrimp and grilled red snapper fish. it was delicious!

What else have i been up to. My friend's bar has started doing a weekly sunday night film night showing latin themed films. I saw the first one...bueno vista social club, but had to miss out on last week as i was at a bbq. It's nice having somethign on the weekend to look forward to. It's inspired me to do a bi-monthly film night at my place when i move and get settled in. I'm thinking of watching a film from each decade and then doing it all over again. I figure i'll try and start in the 40s or if i can get something from the 20s and 30s then we'll go from there. That's something that i miss...i didn't realize how much i miss it until yesterday, when i really wanted to go out to watch a film. but after going to the theatres once here, i don't think i want to go again....too many people talking on their phones and to each other...and you know me...i'll sshhh you. but how can i ssshhh a whole theatre??

I've also started hip hop classes. it's been really fun and I'm getting my exercise that way. didn't make it last week cos i ended up staying out too late on friday and was too hung over on saturday. it's nice to have it to look forward to.

Work has been good. i've got more time than last time cos we're not going to camera until March so i have more time for pre-pro. We have found an new crew and i think these ones will be really good. we even have 2 camerawomen! which is such a rarity here since as you know how i've written before about the specific gender roles here. And i like their attitude. The one thing i hate here and i know it's a cultural thing, but it's extremely hard when you're the boss and you have to work with it...the whole notion of losing face. I tell you man, the number of times people just say "yes yes yes..i understand" when they don't understand! But these girls were willing to admit their weaknesses and that to me is a strength. I'm looking forward to working with this crew. They seem to be a lot more open minded and my art guy is coming back. He's actually been helping us source the crew and locations without charging us a fee...here the middleman always gets a cut and he's doing this as just a favour. and it's nice to have him on board again, cos we might have 2 shows running simultaneously and if so, one is the 2nd season of the one i did last year, so he can handle it while i concentrate on the newer more difficult one. So we're heavily into pre-pro and location scouting at the moment.

I'm hating the location scouting right now cos the way things are done here is SO disorganized!! like a broker will take you to a few places, but they don't have keys to any of them, and so they get there and then call the owners to come and open it up, which means you end up waiting half an hour..or they arrange a time and then the owners aren't available but the broker doesn't tell us so we can't even see it. or they take you to a place and all you get to do is see the outside. I KNOW!!! and it's not us chosing wrong brokers...they are ALL like that!!! it's so incredibly frustrating, especially if you've just driven half way across the city. And on top of sourcing tentative locations for our studio, we've been house hunting as well. I've got to move out by the end of the month and yesterday saw me reach my limit. I met with a broker at 9am...where he drove us to 3 places and guess what..we could only go into one of them..then he arranged to come back to the first one at 3pm, so we get there and again wait..in the hot sun. (why is it that whenever i have to do a location scout, it's hot as hell??). then i hit the office and went to see anohter place with another broker at 5pm till 6pm then home to shower before going to meet yet another broker at 7pm to see 3 more places...i'm tired..and only one or two are decent...so the search isn't over and i have less than 2 weeks left. i'm sick of it already. But i am looking forward to getting the new place. i already have an idea of dining table. One thing they have here that i love are the great wooden doors and gates. So i'm gonna look for an old wooden blue door and make a dining table out of it...tempered glass on top and then legs...not sure how to do the legs yet..maybe from banisters or maybe combining metal gate frame. i hope it turns out well. Gonna start scouring 2nd hand / junk stalls/stores to see what i can find to make shit with.

And lastly, i've been taking a few more photos with my lomography cameras and i've got a place to take my manual slr to get fixed...i'm just waiting for payday so i can do it. damn, i miss film!! Gonna see if there's a studio somewhere i can go print black and white or if learn to print colour. Miss making my own prints.

That's pretty much it for now...Check out flickr for photos..put up a bunch and waiting to get others developed. http://www.flickr.com/users/superkidlinh

i hate to see my friends sad. I hate to see my friends struggling because they like myself deserve so much more than what we have right now. I hate seeing my friends work so hard and life just not give them the breaks that they deserve. And i know the same goes for me. I know that i'm truly lucky because i have so much in my life that i count as what some would call "blessings". I have my health, my family and their health, really good friends, i'm working in a field that i love working in, i've travelled throughout the world and plan on doing more, and i have great opportunities not only here in toronto, but also in vietnam. But it's still a struggle and it's just really difficult sometimes and some days i see how it gets to me and how life gets to my friends and i hate seeing that. i wish i could just snap my fingers and take away all of our problems and get a fresh start again.

So i'm taking this next phase in my life as a fresh start. I'm gonna do things and do it right. I'm gonna try and take a new perspective on life and the people and things that get in the way of that, well they won't anymore.

so i just found out my friend had a baby girl. yaya!! i cant' wait to meet her.

This past few days saw me reaching some highs and lows. yesterday i felt emotionally drained. i've been in states of contradictions and anxiousness. I looked at my calendar yesterday and realized that i was heading back to 'nam next week and it just freaked me out. Realizing that i have to go through all the emotionally turmoil that i went through merely 8 months earlier. But knowing that this time it would be slightly easier but still would be there. Realized what makes me truly happy and i'm most happy when i'm dancing and making things. That i can lose myself in these 2 things and that i need to do more of it. That this time, going back i want to do a lot of the work my way. keep as much in my control as possible. not outsourcing building and painting as much as possilbe. that my crew will be the one doing the painting and building. And i want to be doing it. cos i want it to be right. to expect a lot from my team. That they need to be on the ball. that everything must look perfect. that i need to co-ordinate more with the camera people and director about their shots. I"m gonna make more time for research and i've started already so i have a general idea of the look i want for the next show. now i just ahve to find it but i have some ideas already..and that if it doesn't work then we need to find a way to make it work and cheat. I will try and make a scale model, which will help the camera people and director. That i will throw myself into the work, but i'm gonna try and enjoy it at the same time. taht i will try and have more patience with myself and my crew and the project and the way of life there. that i will stick to my personal budget and still enjoy life.

I realized how much i love doing what i'm doing and the schedule that i'm doing it at. while the majority of people are coming back from lunch right now, i'm sitting in my pjs eating my lunch listening to music at my desk at home. that yesterday i got up at 9, did some research, went to meet friends for coffee and then went to my friends to do more work and then over to another friend's for dinner and then drinks and then home. And even if i never fully have a day off, and i'm working all the time for a few hours a day, i love it. i love being able to take naps during the day and i love it when i'm working at 2 in the morning finishing off a prop for a shoot. i love seeing it all put together and i cant' wait to do more of it.

I've recently been talking to some friends about relationships and love...well the usual thing we do and a good friend of mine was talking about an ex and it made me just realize more and more so how timing plays such a large part in love. timing not only in meeting the person but timing in meeting the right person at teh right point in their partner's life and in their own life. timing..in wanting the same things out of life and a relationship...so it just makes me see all those who have found their significant other, how special and lucky they really are. first they have to meet them and then they both have to be in the right place in their life and how often does that happen? I have friends who know if they met that person in a differnt time in their life that it would have worked out..or those who's relationships that have ended ended because that was what they needed out of that relationship and partner at that particular time in their life. timing...it's all about timing. and that's a scary thought. As i'm still struggling to find the person that fits into all of this, it's scary thinking that i may never meet that person..with so much up against you and leaving it all to fate, then yeah, maybe i will never meet that person, but then he may be just around the corner and i just have to wait until the timing is right in both of our lives. i have to have faith in that or else i might as well give up and be settled in living a life alone and i refuse to give into that.

And of course timing not only in love but in life. there are parts of my life where i know that i was meant to go here then or do this then because that's what i needed in my life then. the timing was perfect. like going to vietnam was just what i needed. after years of my brother asking me to come out there the timing was never right...and when i went this past year, it was just what i needed to do. for myself and for my career...and now coming home for a visit it has been what i needed to see what my next phase of my life and career will be. I'll be back in 'nam shortly and i think once i get there, i will really know what i want and where i want to be and what i want to do. i think it'll put everything into perspective for me.

Yeah, i forgot how much i love taking dance classes. Had a really good hip hop class today and had a great work out. I'm so glad that i saw kim's dance show because not only did i finally get to see her perform, but it inspired me to take classes again. I'm gonna definitely take them the next 2 weeks as well and for sure look into the classes when i get back to vietnam. i think lydia has been taking a few of them and i'm for sure gonna take them too. thank god we'll be in pre-production, so i'll have time to work out, take dance classes, etc. I'm hoping to take a hip hop and a modern class..not a modern jazz one, but just a straight up modern one. they are totally 2 different styles, and your body movement is so different, but i love the modern one because it really lets you explore and get to know your body and express it in such a free flow way. sure there's technique involved but it's just a bit more freeer, i find...and hip hop is great cos it's so strong and so smooth at the same time and fun. And the biking has helped to strengthen my leg muscles so i don't have pains in my knees. i feel so good now and i totally needed it today. I was totally feeling trapped, like i had to have a super huge yell about stuff....oh well..things all work out the way they are supposed to work out i suppose.

feeling anxious and losing my appetite for some reason..don't know why...been feeling like this the last few days. yeah, well have a lot on my mind and realizing that i'm leaving here shortly...i have less than 3 weeks left and i'm feeling like time is running out too quickly. I've been having a good time being back and bonding with everyone and thinking about things, so it's making me anxious like i feel like i need to make a decsion aobut things but i know that i don't. it's strange...i don't know.. i can't explain it. but yeah, i haven't been sleeping all the well and i think it's physically affecting me. I'm sleeping late and waking up early which leads to me napping all the time and that's no good. i'm hoping to let it all go or most of it go in the next few days. i'm gonna take a drop in hip hop class tomorrow and have decided to take as many dance classes as possilbe. schedules always interupt things like this and i know it's the nature of working in this industry..but i need to make a bigger effort to fix things like this.

sigh.

this past few weeks saw me working hard on the hidden cameras video only to have it postponed until the spring due to weather and nuit blanche taking the dancers away on our rain day. it was really disappointing because after working so hard on it, i really wanted to see it to completion and to see how it would all turn out. I was really looking forward to working with the crew again because the dop, gaffer and grip were all boys i've worked with in the past and love working with, so i was just really looking forward to working with a crew that knew what they were doing with like minded people all putting it together for an interesting project. i was looking forward to the dancers and just having fun on production.

So instead i took off to montreal (as initially planned). carla and her mom went as well so i got to hang out a bit with carla while there. I stayed at souki's place which had a great location right at st. laurent and villenueve. it was a nice trip. it was a relaxing trip. didn't do much except catch up with friends, had coffee and chilled out. it was what i needed. Now i'm back at home and actually being productive.

i've made myself a budget to figure out how to save when i get back to 'nam. I booked my flight...leaving on the 25th and arriving on the 26th. I'm flying via tokyo so it'll be good when i come back, i'm gonna do a stop over for a few days in tokyo. i really like this flying and visiting places via my stop overs. i did hong kong and next will be tokyo.

I'm kinda looking forward to going back and getting to work again. I've got to find a place to live and it looks like dad needs to share the place with me, so i'm gonna be looking for a 2 bedroom apartment to live in. no more houses for me. i'm looking forward to having a living room space where my bike isn't parked in it. and i thought i had to find a place by the end of the month, but we actually have until the end of november. which takes a bit of stress off.

That's it for now..going to see yelle tonight and i'm looking forward to dancing dancing and more dancing.

so i was bored and dont' want to do work and so i was going through my external drive looking at the photos and man oh man...we look so young! even looking at photos merely 2 years or 1 year old and it feels like all of us has aged so much..i mean we don't look old old, but old wiser old...and it's strange seeing photos of things that just remind you of how far you've come and wehere you are now and when you think how things move so quickly and even though you think these hard things are so hard to deal with and go through, they really do move fast and you move through them very quickly. i've started to rethink my decision to stay there really really long. like these 2 -3 years thing i'm been kinda thinking, is that what is best for me? being back home has made me like i've said before realize that i really do love it here. I don't love the struggle and for now it's not where i should be but maybe in a years time or whatever might change. i've had enough change for now and it's good so far so let's see how it goes from here on in. i know that i shouldn't think too far ahead and just live in the moment and don't plan so much out cos you never know where life will take you so i'm trying to live by that, but i know me and i won't but i'll try.

anyways..that's the thoughts of the day.

my body is exhausted from dancing too much all weekend.

......saw the diplo show last night. it was shitt hott!!! soo good! did a set where he included paul simon's "you can call me al" awesome!! i danced like crazy.

Unfortunately, i was in a bad mood....well not bad mood persay..more like an anxious mood. i've been feeeling a bit anxious as of late and i don't know why....coming home has been really strange.

anyways, don't think i've mentioned it, but i got a gig doing a music video for the band the hidden cameras. i met the producer at a b-day celebration of my friend erica's and we got chatting and he was looking for a production designer and well...why not. i've got 2 weeks until the shoot and i read the treatment and it seemed like so much fun and he's easy to get along with and i'm always here to help a friend out. and it's the hidden cameras so yay!!! fun fun fun....i got sara jane to art direct with me and we met the director yesterday to go over it. it seems super fun and i'm super excited. i think i was meant to do this because the d.o.p. is ben, who i worked with in the past and i loved working with him!

Anyways, it's 11:30am and i think i'm gonna get ready and go home for a bit before coming down later tonight to go out. kinda want to just stay at home and watch bad movies and do some work.

maybe i'll go some sourcing....ah..maybe i'll just stay here....sigh....don't feel like being alone is all.

So it's been a few weeks since i've been back home and it's been really nice to catch up with my friends and family. I've been re-evaluating a lot of stuff in my life and have come to some big decisions. it's been extremely emotional coming home because it made me realize how strong my ties to this place is. How much i love living here but that in order for me to clear my debts, save some money and get further in my career then vietnam is where i have to be. If i was absolutely miserable there then that would be another story, but i'm not miserable there. I'm hot happy there either, but i'm content. it's okay. The job opportunity on the other hand is a whole other story. i also came up with some decisions while here about not moving out and staying where i am to save money and then as soon as i decided that, i found out that the landlady is taking back the house at the end of the month and i have to move out. ha! that's just how life goes huh?

what have i been up to? hanging with friends, talking and walking and riding my bicyle. i went on a walk with my friend 2 nights ago for 2 hours and it's then that i realize how much i miss them..how much i missed sharing inimate things in my life with them and that i don't have that in vietnam and how much i miss that. That over there, even though there are a few people i know i can turn to to talk to about life and the struggle of life, our relationship hasn't got to that point wher ei can call them at 3am because i'm antsy. That for the last 6 months i've been relying on myself and i'm a bit tired of it. it's been really nice to be able to lean on people here. so yeah, coming back has been bittersweet.

having said all of that, it looks like i might have landed an art direction gig on 2 music videos for bands that i know and like. it's just for the end of the month, 2 days shoot for each, but we'll see...waiting to hear back from the guy...

off to starbucks to do work and have a big mug of london fog tea. i missed those!!

it's strange being back in toronto again. it feels like i've gone so far in my life and yet when i come back it's like nothing has changed except me and it feels somewhat alien to me. it's also been very emotional since i've been back. Seeing my friends and family again made me realize how much i miss all of them and how close i am to them and even with the great friends in vietnam, they are not my toronto friends. And i know that those friendships need to forge over time, like i have done here but it's just not the same. it's not me and my girlfriends walking down the street checkig out the cute boys and making stupid jokes...it's not me and scottie walking around ikea looking at stuff..it's not me and the boys talking production talk and totally laughing at the jobs and stories we have and everyone just understanding and connecting. i had my birthday picnic yesterday and it was really really nice. but it made me really sad at the same time. Because i love these friends so much and i have such a good time with them...a bit of food, a bit of booze, a picnic tarp and blanket and some good friends..it's all i need. we went dancing afterwards at shake a tail and it was so nice to dance to 50's girlgroups and go crazy on the dancefloor without anyone staring at me cos they think i'm nuts. it was nice to go to shit la merde and dance crazy to some good, current beats and trying to see if there are any cute boys around. it's nice to ride my bicycle to and from places and stopping off at the diner at 3 in the morning to get grilled cheese and fries. and it's so nice to be at home and hang out with my nephews and sister and granny and mom and uncle. we went the the splashpark the other day and emerson and i went in the water...then i took granny to the playground area. i dragged her onto the swings and found out that this was her first time on the swings. she and i were laughing like crazy. i miss that. we've been sitting and talking more in the kitchen and it makes me sad to think that i will be leaving all of this in about a months time. i forgot how much i rely and count on my friends and family and with my decision to go for a few years, it made me realize that realisitcally a few years could mean many many years and that's hard to take sometimes.

i'm feeling a bit antsy right now. i forgot about all the baggage that i left behind when i was gone and now coming back, it's bringing it back up again and i don't like that feeling. you really can't run away from things and i know you can't but for a while i did..i feel like it's time for me to face up to things that i didn't want to face up to, but i know that i'm also not fully ready to do that. i'm trying not to think too much. but that's too hard to do.

So I'm in Toronto now and completely jet lagged. I thought I was going to be okay because on the first night i crashed at 1am after getting in at midnight and slept all the way through till this morning and now, i totally crashed at 7pm and now it's 3am and i'm up. sigh. so here i am going to give an update on my trip to hong kong.

So the next day i woke up and hit causeway bay again because i wanted to to hit the marks and spencers and see the rest of the mall since i spent all my time the previous night in the bookstore. oo...i was hoping for some of my favourite...victorian sponge cake but no go...instead i got some shortbread, pretzels and percy pigs. :D I hit the muiji store as well. i love muiji! It's a japanese store that sells stationary, home, cosmetics, clothes, bags, etc..but all very modern simple designs. they use a lot of plastics and the designs are SO simple. I love their portable bags. I spent too much there. My brother came in town to do some business with my dad, so after he finished up with him, met me at causeway bay for lunch. He took me to this amazing japanese restaurant called Wasabisabi. When you first enter, you walk along this path that's lit up by yellow lights underneath the acrylic flooring. all along the sides are long chains hung in a square design from celing to floor. i can't fully explain it, so go take a look at it at their website: http://www.aqua.com.hk/ (go to the wasabisabi link). The food was really good as well and quite affordable. A set lunch for about $20USD. The types of sushi they make too is amazing. I'm not one on sushi so i ended up trying one though...shitaki mushroom, which they stuffed. mmm....I definitely recommend this place. It's funny, cos SO many people tell me that hong kong is SO expensive, but it's not. It's actually quite affordable. You can go from the high end of things in the Hong Kong Island side, which is the more modern side of hong kong..to the cheaper end of Hong Kong..the kowloon side, where there are less modern skyscrapers and is a bit more "chinese" if that makes any sense..more small joints (non-western) that serve inexpensive food, like noodle houses and congee places. I like both areas for their own uniquesness. One thing i did notice in hong kong that is such a drastic difference to Vietnam, is how everything is different. In vietnam there's a saying, "same same" which is said for a reason. The vietnamese people for some reason like to copy things and even though they can copy things very well (on the surface) their lack of attention to detail always fucks it up in the end. For example, a chair with a screw so long that when you sit down it pokes you in the ass. Or 2 dresser drawer units that are exactly the same, but when you go to interchange the drawers they don't fit. Or streets lined with stores selling the exact same items. This to me, neve made any sense cos you're competing with 10 people that sell the same thing. In hong kong however, everything is different. It's a pride in being differnt. the store designs are differnt, the buildings are different. you don't have 10 shops on one street selling the same items. So it was really refreshing to hit a place like this after 6 months in vietnam. Don't get me wrong, i love vietnam, for what it is...i found myself missing the cafes while in hong kong. the patios and the motorbikes.

So after we finished lunch, we did a bit more shopping. my brother had to get some computer supplies for the office and then he headed to the airport and i dragged my sore feet to the peak. Having no idea how to get to the tram stop by bus, i ended up walking there and even though my legs regretted it because of the killer humid heat and the hills, i'm thankful that i did, because i ended up walking through the business district amongst all the huge skyscrapers and got to see another part of the city. The tram stop was packed and well, it is worth it. you take this tram up on a 45 degree angle to the highest point in hong kong. unfortuanatley it was cloudy so the view right from the top wasn't great, but the view as you're going up, is amazing. you can see all of hong kong and you see how small you actually are. I had a cup of tea there before heading back down. Found the bus that i should have taken and took it back to the star ferry. it was an open top double decker bus (yes, all the regular buses there are double deckers and they all drive on th other side of the road, just like in england), so i got a good view of the city. I decided to take the ferry back to the kowloon side which was nice. the water was a bit choppy for some reason but the view was really pretty. i recommend to everyone to take that ferry ride. it's the same price as taking a mtr ride, which i love by the way (oh and get an octopus card...it makes riding the mtr so much easier and you can use it at stores to buy things like at the 7-11). After stopping off at a congee place near the hotel, i headed back got dressed and headed back over to hong kong island to lan kwai fok..an area full of bars that my brother recommended me to hit...i WOULD NOT recommend this to anyone. it was full of bad bars and tacky people. it's the equivilant to a covent garden crowd..a richmond street crowd and what i enjoyed more was the area around it. the antiques street and the crazy hills and stores and stalls. I must go back there when it's not nighttime to check it out. After a quick weiss beer i headed back to the hotel but not after hitting a schwarma joint for a wrap and then i was off..my tired feet were thanking me as i crawled into bed.

The next day our flight wasn't until 4:20pm, so dad and i went for some dim sum near our hotel. it was in the majestic hotel building and it wasn't all that. Eating here and in Vietnam and elsewhere in the world made me realize how amazing the food in toronto is. The dim sum there paled in comparison to dim sum in toronto and this was a place that my dad's local friends say is the best in town. but i guess since a lot of the hong kong chefs come to toronto, then we get some kick ass chinese food here. Same with other types of food. I always knew that toronto had a reputation for being a great food city, but i guess i never realized it till i explored more places. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that we get so many people from so many differnt countries living here that we get the great homecooking from back home.

After checking out we headed to the hotel. thankfully the airport express bus was literally across the street from our hotel and we didn't have to lug all those shopping bags too far.

So now after an ardouous 20 hour packed like sardines, full flight with a really stupid stopover for refuelling in anchorage, where they made everyone go through immigration control and sit in a lounge for 20 minutes, i made it home..only to see that someone had cut into my baggage to steal contents! They literally cut a reactangle in it! So baggage damage claim was made and i still have to go through my contents to see if anything is missing. And I KNOW it was done somewhere in the HK airport cos when we went to get our left luggage in HK there was no damage but when i got my suitcase in toronto, there is was.

I'm back now..my sister and her 2 kids came over. My sister gave birth to my nephew ford when i was in vietnam, so this was the first time meeting him. he is absolutely ADORABLE!!! he's hardly cries, smiles tonnes and talks like you wouldn't believe...well his verison of talking is yelling and squeling really loudly. Emerson has grown so much and talks non-stop. he knows so many words! in both english and vietnamese. i can't wait to play with them some more.

tomorrow.well..actually today, i am going to meet some friends for a drink and then hit the social for a show..this electronic guy from montreal called numero. Friday sees me hitting the dentist and then a bbq and then dancing. then saturday, i'm off to chantal and arache's wedding in musoka. I gotta see what's around there to explore. it'll be nice to get out of the city. i did however notice how quiet and slow things are here. I"m so used to the constant noise and numerous people and motorbikes that it's a bit strange here..

anyways, i'm off to try and sleep..but i doubt that so i'll probably be doing some work instead. Found out that our show Gia Dinh A+ got picked up for a second season, which is great news.

Anyways...bye for now.

Note one hong kong…

So I arrived in hong kong yesterday night at 10:30pm and after checking out and taking the train into town, we arrived at the hotel in causeway bay at midnight. Having difficulty finding a cheap hotel in Kowloon side, I ended up booking a hotel for one night in causeway bay and now 2 nights in Kowloon. After settling in, I headed out to a club on Lockhart Road in Wan Chai on Hong Kong Island to this place called Heat. There was some drum’n’bass night happening with a guest dj from the uk. It was cool. In a nice bar and the crowd was pumping. It seem like all locals hks..no tourists like myself. I only stayed for about 2 hours cos one..i’m not really into drum’n’bass (but what I heard was good stuff) and two..i was exhausted. However, it was so refreshing cos after 6 months of living in Vietnam and it was so nice to see cute, fashion trendy, stylish boys and girls who could dance. I know it’s a bit superficial but I like pretty things and it’s nice to see people dressing with so much style. So after a taxi ride home, I crashed out and the next day packed up and headed over to the Kowloon side.

Hong kong reminds me so much of London that I find at times I forget that I’m in hong kong. I particularly feel this when I’m on the MTR. It’s funny, HK is so much the opposite of Vietnam. It is SO English in so many ways…the atmosphere is bombardment..sensory overload from all the multimedia. It reminds me of the way you feel when you’re walking down oxford street with all the loud music booming out of the stores…but here instead of super loud music, it’s the flashing lights. It’s so high tech and modern and fast paced and stylish. And Vietnam, like French and the French colonization is so laid back and slow paced compared to here. Being here makes me miss the cafes and the patios. The weather here is SO humid that you wouldn’t want to sit anywhere outside. HK has SO many stores that are found in London that I’m looking forward to going into them. I’m sitting here drinking ribena..which I used to drink ALL the time in London..i missed it so much. I went into some drug store here called Watson’s which I think is owned by boots because the signage and layout is the same and they even have boots brand stuff. Tomorrow I will hit marks and spencer..damn straight I’m bringing home Victorian sponge cake and crisps..mmm..they better have a food section! The MTR is so similar to the Tube. They even have an octopus card. I got one of those that makes travelling easier. It’s a card where you put money on which you can top off. It’s cheaper than buying tickets back and forth to places and it’s good for a year or so….which I’m sure I’ll be back in HK again. Heck, you can even use it at stores such as 7-11 to busy stuff!

So today, after checking into the Eaton Hotel on Nathan Road near Jordan MTR, dad and I headed for some noodles at some small restaurant. Here’s a tip for you..if you go into a place where the signage outside says restaurant then the restaurant will add on taxes for your food, but if it doesn’t say restaurant then they don’t tack any taxes on. The broth was so good. I’m glad I found a hotel here near Jordan mtr as opposed to down by Tsim Sha Tusi which is very busy and quite touristy. Dad then took off to China for some business and I ended up wandering down Nathan Road towards the tip of the peninsula. This road is very similar to oxford street…full of shops and touristy things. It got really busy with tacky tourists shit and after hitting a few shops I ended up buying a pretty red dress/top on sale…the thing I notice here is people here have amazing graphic t-shirts here. There are so many everywhere I keep on drooling at all the ones people have on, so my mission is to find a store that sells some cool graphic tees. So I came to the place I’ve been wanting to see for so long and I tell you, I was very disappointed..what was it? Chungking Mansions. After watching Chungking Express years ago..the film that introduced me to Wong Kar Wai and asian and then other foreign films. The film has this romanticized vision of it and I ended up having the same image. It’s like the same way with Amelie. When you get there it’s just a disappointment. Chungking Mansion is so sleezy and dirty and as Carla said to me once “it looks like it will go up in smoke any second”. It wasn’t the romanitized vision as seen by wong kar wai and I knew that it wouldn’t be like that, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. The alleyways are full of Indian food stalls which I might venture back and try. Unfortunately, my exploration of TsimSha Tusi was cut short because of stomach pains. I think the food didn’t agree with me and I was having stomach cramps…with so much pain, I didn’t even take the bus back. I ended up taxi-ing back to the hotel at which point I passed out asleep for 3 hours. After speaking to my brother, he told me that it’s probably the water here and even if I’m drinking the local bottled water, it will still upset my system. So I’m sticking to ribena..i’ve had a bottle of that with no problems…and probably club soda and stuff from now on.

After waking up I headed to the night market on Temple Street. It just reminds me of the Ben thanh market in Saigon. A lot of touristy stuff but some cool stuff as well. Some nice watches and business card holders, cigarette holders, etc. I then headed over to Causeway Bay to hit Times Square for the bookstore there. Times Square is this super huge 9 floor mall. The whole causeway bay area around the mtr station is full of brand name shops..high street stores. With a bad experience from today and Causeway Bay being further away from my hotel, I decided to play safe and hit the McDonald’s instead. I tell you, it tasted so good. I haven’t had it in 6 months and man, I missed those fries. I know..i know..linh, how can you miss mcdees? Its such crap food, but you know what you do end up missing all that crap food when you’re away from it. After that I ended up spending hours in the bookstore there, Page One ,which is kinda like Chapters or indigo. But the selection of stuff there is so good. I ended up dropping a load on design books for references and gave in and got these 2 most AWESOME cameras ever!! The lomography fisheye camera with removable flash and the one with 8 lenses in so it will take 8 pictures in one picture! It uses 35mm film, which I miss a lot so I’m really looking forward to getting some film tomorrow and start taking some cool shots of HK. I’m gonna have SO much fun with these!! Been dying to find good reading material for the last 6months, so it was really nice to just browse and look at stuff. I ended up staying in the bookshop until it closed and didn’t end up checking out the other shops in the mall like marks and sparks….After it closed around 10:30pm, I ended up wandering around the area and finding tones of graffiti art throughout the area. Took a load of photos and then called it a night. Was gonna go wandering around Mon Kok but got tired and here I am.

Tomorrow I plan on going to Victoria Peak and then to Central to meet my brother and dad for lunch before heading back to causeway bay and then maybe try to hit an art gallery somewhere or just wander another area of the city. I have yet to visit wan chai and soho so I might head there to check out some stuff and then at night tomorrow hit mon kok area. I just am enjoying the wandering. It’s nice to walk again. I just wish it wasn’t so humid. I think I got some heat stroke today so I’m gonna take it easy and not wander around during peak time of noon.

Photos will be uploaded when I get back to Toronto….

It's funny, cos today i went to one of our regular restaurants and it made me realize how everyone had their staples and a lot of time people assume that their staple is your staple. Yesterday i went to eat dinner with charmaine at a french restaurant called le jardin and she mentioned that she thought i had already eaten there cos its' sjust a staple for her. And to me, i've never been but i have my own staples here such as black cat, au parc, cantina central, sunwah, saigon 3, bbq on the top floor of temple, sao in ben thanh market, california pizza factory, cali steakhouse, illy cafe behind the opera house and after trying a few more places, i'm sure i will make them my staples as well.

I am SO happy. we finally got a new wireless modem and the connection at home is finally good and i am now happily listening to "this american life" http://www.thislife.org/ online. Previously, i was listening to cbc radio 1 http://www.cbc.ca/listen/index.html# and been downloading tonnes of music and such...

i am a very very very happy girl...i've been missing listening to talk radio since i've been here and now just as i'm leaving, my internet is strong enough for me to stream and listen..now it's just going to make me sit here online all night instead of sleeping...it's 1am and i have to get up in a few hours..sigh...

so i was talking to paul last night and i think we're going to start a monthly dance party night...i'm sick of listening to crap music or just all hip hop or stuff so when i get back from t.o. i think we're gonna start putting it in the works..a diy thing where all music goes...so now i must get some dj software and fool around with it when i'm back in t.o. and have friends to ask how to use it and mix with it. yay!!i will finally be able to dance to music i like! gotta find a venue.

So last night i went dancing at vasco's with some good friends and had a bit too much to drink at home and at the bar...drinking makes me feel depressed sometimes...i ended up leaving my friends at another bar and went home early. Lately, i've been walking around here in a daze..like i feel like i'm in toronto but not at the same time...like, i feel like i'm at home and not at the same time. it's hard to explain. i feel caught between 2 places and even though it's less than 2 weeks till i'm home, i'm also concerned about going back...after talking to my friend Lydia who just went back home to holland for a 3 weeks, her impression was...it was weird. i know experiences like these make you who you are and all that stuff and living here has been an experience for sure but sometimes it's just hard trudging through this alone. yeah, the same shit again and again. sure i have some good friends and family here, but i miss my close ones back home and abroad. i ended up talking to josh last night briefly and it was really nice to speak to him. there are very few people in this world that know me and know me well and he's one of them. I'm sure he knows more about me than i know about myself, because those aspects of me are the ones that i don't want to admit to myself. i guess i'm just tired of the same old shit again and again.

I've been noticing things around here lately that i haven't before. there's been a surprising calm in the city lately. like i'll be driving and it's SO quiet. Weird. like everyone decided not to honk while they're driving everywhere. the streets seem more deserted than usual. and it's not just me that has noticed this but kenny has as well.

still struggling to find a hotel room in hong kong for cheap. looks like i'm gonna have to suck it up and pay the 100 a night for one. oh well...it'll give me a chance to explore kowloon more easily. the thing that sucks is that i arrive in hk on saturday around 10pm so i lose half a day, but i'll definitely be looking to go to a club that night...wish i could have explored first so i don't feel overwhelmed..oh well....