by this time tomorrow night i will be mrs...macleod! alright, how about mrs effing MARRIED macleod?

it started raining right before rehearsal and they are predicting thunderstorms for tomorrow. but the rest of the week? sunny. doesn't that only happen in movies? hah tiffany, i will photoshop some sun into those photos so don't you worry.

quick photo post for lack of time

( the girls...and james )

i am almost back up to 100lbs! amazing. i cannot stop eating. i am like bill murray in 'what about bob' with incessant mmm'ing and ahhh'ing. my stomach feels pretty ill from all of the foodz, but i don't want to get off this train to tastyville.

i am still the singstar champion, even though my sister is quite obviously awesome. she says it is a lot harder than rock band which is what she is used to. i think i am the only one on team singstar. team rock band is the national favorite. oh, it's been hilarious. i'll take a video if i remember.

there are still undercurrents but in general things are swimming along at a medium pace.

we are going to see dead people tomorrow and the aunt hattie's bachelorette party is on friday. we are going to get all coyote ugly up in thar, taking tea shots like no one's business.

yeah, 3 coffees and little sleep makes kat _______. feel free to fill in ze blanks.

p.s. tiffany you are mothereffing awesome. let me know when i can repay you for your kindness.

i need to determine which of my friends loves van gogh's starry night the MOST. do not question my motives, just trust that the outcome will be glorious. or something. so? which one of you is it?


for illustrative purposes only.

though i imagine if you need this, you are not the chosen one!

after less than six hours of sleep, i fueled myself with an entire pack of mentos, a granola bar and some coffee. this is not the type of breakfast one should consume before going to a gun range, haha. i think i've finally come to accept that i'm hypoglycemic, like my mom. i shouldn't get shaky and have to eat all the time, it sucks.

we shot a 36, some 22's (one with a sweet laser sight on it that i so adored) and a magnum 357 revolver. i think that is correct, i am no gun connoisseur. hell, i can barely reach the cock with my thumb (i am hoping it is called the cock, or else i will sound unnecessarily dirty). it took forever to load our old timey gun but the smoke and recoil was impressive. not so impressive are my pathetic excuses for arms, and i've decided i need to build some muscle asap. i bought some 5lb weights today in an effort to cowboy up. people always try to carry stuff for me, so it is hard to attain satisfactory hulk arms. i have also found that i cannot complain about the uselessness of my arms to our shooting buddy whose right arm is mechanical. i almost did but caught myself in time. imagine how bad that would have sounded? hah "MAN my arms are useless! this sucks".

the guy to our left was also using a black powder gun, and the guys to our right had an AK 47. they were going to let us use their "BASTARD COMMIE GUN". i think i was more afraid of them than their huge weaponry. and by huge weaponry i mean blatantly small penises. maybe when i am more comfortable i will try other things. for now i am a lovely shade of steak from standing in the sun for three hours. jeff let me use his indiana jones hat, but that provided only minimal coverage. his face is horribly burned. i cry.

my aunt karen is now coming last minute all the way from connecticut to see me get married. i feel so bad that people are spending so much money, what with airline costs these days, GAH. it will be great to see her again of course, even though my adorable cousins will not be in tow. did i mention that i cannot look at babies in the face anymore without the overwhelming desire to STEAL THEM? no joke. whatever is going on in my brain has got to stop, for the love of all that is holy!

dinner was cancelled tonight so we went to subway where i got the five dollar tuna sub. as the cashier was ringing us up i proclaimed "OH don't worry! it's FIVE. FIVE dolla. FIVE dolla footLOOOOOOOONG". apparently i am not the first to do this. it was a nice change of pace from what i have been eating throughout the past week. it's been nothing but candy, candy and ice cream sandwiches. oh, and a happy meal! they have awesome happy meal toys this month, you best check it out. i always feel terrible physically when i eat any type of junk food, possibly because of the IBS and hypoglycemia but i cannot be certain. i just...cannot eat bad food. it sucks. i will have to figure out a way to not wolf down entire bags of sour kids at 4am, but it will be difficult.

3 months and six days cigarette free today. can i get a HELL YEAH?

hellboy 2's angel of death is probably my favorite character concept of ALL TIME.

the movie? it was also very good, but now all i can think is how much i want one of these. i will wait until they make a more affordable version, because that is ridiculous. upon exiting the film, i couldn't stop myself from singing a bastardized version of the sephiroth theme. am i the only one?

now i have to go to bed, because we (jeff, darrell + work people) are shooting some black powder guns from the 1800's at 9am sharp. hopefully i will be awake and coherent enough to not pull a dick cheney. no guarantees.

i have had a shoe epiphany. shoes > 10$ = YES

i was given these shoes for my birthday. they are "my first heels" or as i like to call them "baby steps to womanhood". i have some from payless but always fell on my face and thus never wore them. i think these are the proper height, though i still complained that i can't spontaneously run or break into dance in them. "is that really necessary?" i was asked. pfft. it might be, you never know?

so, i am practicing around the house and it almost feels like i am not teetering on two little sticks. almost. i was also given a pair of skechers to replace my 12$ duct taped flats and i must say i am impressed. who would have thought shoes could be this comfortable? and why are people buying me all these shoes? is it because i duct taped my soles? cause i am pretty sure i will duct tape my car if there is a similar outcome.

anyway, we went to the dollar store and i left jeff alone for two minutes. he got DENTAFRESH! toothpaste with a matching DENTAFRESH! toothbrush (exclamation mark included). hahah i don't think i would try to save money on dental hygiene, but who am i to judge? i am all over dollar stores. you just have to watch out for what is really a good deal and what isn't. most of it isn't.

(update) the dollar store version of velcro catch is utter rubbish. 1/3 of the time the thing would fall apart upon impact, as it is put together in a crude fashion with *shock* cheap parts. cardboard seems to magically sneak itself into the products that i buy, hahah. i am learning how to not throw like a girl, and i think i did well. my arm hurts. i have yet to master the trick shots such as under the leg and spin and throw but i foresee a vigorous training schedule ahead of us. we played in the street and did the whole "game on" wayne's world routine, which seemed hilarious at the time. now all i need to find is the koosh ball paddle set that i so desire. my sister and i used to play that for hours and i want to have one ready for when she arrives. koosh.com redirects me to hasbro.com but i cannot find koosh items. the closest i found is this trampoline ball set but it is lacking the very important KOOSH BALL. anyone? bueller?

it's the final countdown. wedding guests start flying in the 21st! HOLY SHIT, LIONS. my aunt petra is flying in from germany, but my brother won't be able to make it. the montreal girls (audrey, celia and amy) are wanting to have a "kitty kat tea party" at aunt hatties for my bachelorette thing, but i am thinking we might also do karaoke on top of that. does anyone know where a good place would be that wouldn't be too crowded on a friday? everyone's invited. yes, even you.

3-Line Narnia (unabashedly stolen from jon)

C.S. LEWIS: Hey, a Utopia ruled by children and populated by talking animals!

THE WITCH: Hello, I'm a sexually mature woman of power and confidence.

C.S. LEWIS: Aaaahhh! Kill it, lion Jesus!

how great is that? hahah. also, since finally installing leopard on my mac, i have had the chappelle show racial pixies skit in my head. specifically, the latin pixie. now whenever there is discussion surrounding my computer, i say "it's fucking leopard man. illegal leopard!". speaking of hot items, jeff got his birthday computer in ze mail today! it's the dell xps 630 and runs windows xp. hurray for that. now we can film ourselves reenacting the mac commercials with me pissing on his face or whatever it is they are doing in mac commercials these days. he bought NINE games for his new pc. and so it begins, muahahah.

i bought him house of the dead 2 for the wii but that was a thinly veiled gift, as it is one of my favorite games evar. DO NOT RENT THE MOVIES. i can say that i have never seen porn but only barely, thanks to owe boll's house of the dead. jesus. i think SA wrote about it on their site. in fact, i think lowtax offered to fight uwe or something but i forget. i DO know that the anagram photoshop friday is pretty funny. godfather!. i have never seen the godfather but...oh...i think i am rambling.

i finally went to target to use my gift card and i got sock monkey slippers! they are pretty awesome. how come no one told me how incredible the card selection is at target? i can see myself spending days in that aisle, with a little tent and a makeshift fire fueled by ALL THE SWEET CARDS. or at least the ones over 3 dollars which i still refuse to buy unless perhaps you gave me your kidney. the dollar section is quite impressive this week as well, specifically if you do scrapbooking *ahem* kayce.

alright, real things later. i love you guys. keep it real.

(update) apparently someone on ytmnd thought the same thing about leopard as i did, hahah nice.

also. why are all of my friends getting KITTENS all of a sudden? i'm not complaining, i am just wondering if there is some kind of adorable epidemic. i've also noticed that a large percentage of my friends are locking their entries. what is up with that, yo? i feel like the last unicorn.

you know you are going to be a bad little housewife (hah) when you make rice with a few weevils in it and your significant other still says "mmm oh boy this is great!". hah. at least tonight danger potatoes were not on the menu, hahahahah oh man.

in other big news, 'scare tactics' is back this wednesday night. i hope it is as good as i remember it, and no there is no correlation between the weevil incident and the beloved prank show. none at all.

more on the chris rock weekend later. btw, mario joyner is fantastic and i keep trying to relive his jokes. for some reason it is not as funny when i retell them to myself or people around me, huh. they both stayed at our hotel, though i am pretty sure that chris rock is not as funny when you are trying to sneak into his suite.

apparently this morning i told jeff "you need turtle power" in my half conscious state. WTH? i am clearly psychic as this day was lacking in overall turtle powers.

thanks to kayce, i have wasted endless amounts of time on this site. i love you graphjam! you are better than crack, pretty sure. ( here is further proof for you nonbelievers )

we have a room at the westin crown center in KC for saturday, on the top floor. the chris rock show starts at 8pm. it should be an adventure. ATTN DUSTIN: we would like to visit you during our stay and also welcome any suggestions of things to do on a tour of the city. i would prefer not to drive around, as it is not the optimal excursion method (photo walks are my favorite). do any of you other fine KC folk have ideas?

thanks to a late night spent with graphjam, i do not think i will be able to make the frog races at riggs park tomorrow today.

this natalie d comic expresses my unparalleled hatred of our throw away culture. it made me happy to see i'm not the only one. i am just now learning to use paper towels.

i got a new camera for my birthday! it pained me to get rid of my 3.2MP olympus but it died during a reformatting, and its quality was almost surpassed by my lg chocolate phone. hah. i made peanut butter squares and decorated the house pokemon style, as it was jeff's birthday as well. i got him a computer and whatever else was in those awesomely wrapped gifts on the table. i might have gone too far, but at least the photo does not indicate the extent of the decorations. NEON BALLOONS EVERYWARE.

i was inundated with birthday love and want to thank everyone for thinking of me. i truly appreciate it. i think this year was one of the best to date. I AM NOT WORTHY.

i made a flickr photo account after going to botanica with doug. it was lots of fun. seeing j.a.n.e.t. at kirby's was also fun, and it was like no other kirby's visit before. the sound is better, the a/c actually works (i was COLD WTF) and i got to see a lot of people i hardly get to see. i have yet to figure out dancing guy's name, even though we worked together. i said "you're dancing guy! get back in there and DANCE. it's what you do". i am bad with names sometimes. kite and mildret took us out for birthday dinner at friday's (i had the brownie obsession for dinner) and gave us wii stuff. i also received a target gift card but the image on the card is far too cute for me to ever give it up. it's an ecstatic looking birthday cake all lit up with candles. maybe i'll just frame it and keep it forever.

we rented 'shaolin soccer' and it is great! the scene where bald dude does a backflip and lands on soccer dude's stomach was replayed over and over until jeff couldn't take it anymore. i too get fire in my eyes and the urge to break into song and dance! i want to carry a hot dog around and pretend to smoke it like a cigar! i want to go to manny's salon! i want flames to spontaneously erupt behind my back when i am being INTENSE. i want to hit things really hard with kung fu! i'm buying it for my sister, definitely.

last but not least, i have a hatred for wedgie inducing underwear. this is no secret to anyone who knows me. luckily you can take off your underwear in broad daylight, put it in your purse and continue walking like nothing happened if you live in my neighbourhood. i will put that on the list of "reasons to live in kansas" hahah. some guys yelled at me while i was eating a popsicle, i think they knew what was up. i took some more photos but it is hard to listen to music, walk, eat a popsicle, thwart off mosquitos and take photos all at the same time. i will upload them after i watch 'legends of the fall'. maybe. i ran into some neighbours during the walk and they excitedly asked about my wedding dress. they wanted me to "tell them all about it OMG NAO!!11!!11". i replied with "it's expensive. too expensive. and very short". you should have seen the look on their faces, for real. i think i am supposed to go bonkers when i talk about it? sometimes i think i am too honest for my own good.

this week has been a roller coaster and this is as much as i will divulge. i will add some cooking tips for those who are as equally cooking challenged as i am.

1) do not put towels in the microwave. they will catch fire
2) do not use vanilla soy milk in instant potato mix. it will taste like pudding
3) do not lift lids towards your face. especially if you have glasses, as you will be temporarily blinded
4) do not leave the room to write emails while cooking/boiling water. water boils faster when lonely
5) do not learn how to grill in the dark
6) do not squeeze the grease out of burgers like they do on tv, for it will drip down and catch your meat on FIRE

i think i have another product idea: knee high socks with udder teats sewn vertically along the calf. yes?

i've discovered that it is possible to formulate accurate measurements by using semi-splits. i say semi-splits because i cannot do the splits, and i say accurate because i am a liar. this measurement gives a pleasing spacing for yard work (i put in more solar lights). i am pretty sure my neighbours think i am insane, though that is likely due to my kung fu attacking of bugs. speaking of...

kung fu panda was surprisingly even better than i had hoped. it had moments reminiscent of 'kung fu hustle' as well as a graphic style similar to 'samurai jack', yet it managed to be something unique to itself. the art was breathtaking but i think the casting was poorly done. angelina jolie's apparent sexiness does not translate in audio. the secondary characters didn't have nearly enough lines to make the casting worthwhile, but jack black made up for that. i'm so glad this movie is worthy of his quirkiness. i will admit to getting teary eyed a few times but no actual tears were SHED, so ha! i think i also laughed more than the children in the audience. there were times where i thought i was laughing too loud for the kids next to me to enjoy it. again, the art. it's amazing how far animation has come, absolutely amazing.

there you have it. a real post about real (minus udder socks) things. i had this saved and never got around to posting about the movie.

am i the only (now) 28 year old who has to stop every time she sees a trail of ants to find out where they're going?

am i also the only mostly sane person buying baby clothes for their imaginary baby? (monkey robe and unisex jumper). those photos were shot sequentially and there you have solid proof why i am likely getting a camera for my birthday. third birthday camera, but i am okay with that i think.

am i the...SANEST BIRTHDAY MOTHERFUCKER EVAR!? i think so.

i finally broke down and shaved my legs. it had been over a month, and i was both being lazy and giving a big EFF YOU in the direction of the beauty myth. isn't it ridiculous some of the things women think they need to do to themselves to be attractive? mind you, shaving is not a big deal to me - i only started in like, 10th grade because my mom was european and didn't inform us on these customs, and i think i bought my first makeup item in college - but it still irritates me that i feel somewhat weird with hairy legs. i want to rise ABOVE AND BEAT THE MAN (literally, of course), alas, now i have some soft smooth legs that kind of feel awesome. oh well. there are bigger battles to be won, and my axe is sharp and thirsty.

just watched 'i am legend'. i hadn't known of the bob marley reference until just now. i cried, and immediately put in my 'legend' cd when the movie was over (which by the way, redemption song is always going to be amazing and relevant). it was a good movie but so sad. the creepy zombie things scared the hell out of me and i was like those annoying people yelling at the tv and standing on the couch in fear. i liked the subtle 'shrek' comparison. i don't think i would last very long being the only person alive. what about you guys? do you think you could tolerate the isolation and lack of social interactions? i cried during 'the hulk' too. i need to see 'kung fu panda' which will hopefully NOT MAKE ME CRY. gah. such a girl i am.

ever since my dad signed me up for dwell magazine, my mailbox has been bombarded with various upscale design catalogs.

listen people, and listen closely. i will never buy a 3000$ lamp. hell, my bedroom drawer set is made almost entirely out of CARDBOARD. i am a miser. let me give you an example of the top price i am willing to pay for a few items:

shoes: 15$
restaurant food: 10$
baby clothes: 5$
dress: 20$
pants: 15$
nice top: 15$
necklace: 5$
makeup item: 3$

i would say that 15$ is my limit on most things, but i tend to avoid buying things in general. the listed examples would be some mall splurge items. i am a cheap motherfucker, and possibly have unrealistic views on what items should cost. i am that person who always orders free water with their meal. i will never buy a new car. i actually HAGGLED my way down several hundreds of dollars on my diamond ring. i didn't know i was doing it at the time, but i told the manager that i had looked at every store in wichita and wanted to keep looking. after 20 minutes of discussion and her continuing to drop the price, i told her i wanted to take one last look at another ring before deciding. she sighed and said "i guess i need to play the game". i didn't know what she was talking about until later, when jeff told me i need to buy his next car for him. i was given some secret discount that i am not allowed to mention or else she might possibly kill me. i got over 50% off due to my anxiety of spending money, hahah. she thought jeff was just a cheap sonofabitch when i kept saying "that is too much for a ring" and gave him dirty looks.

so please, don't waste trees on my behalf, fancy ass design people (pretending i don't recycle them).

p.s. i got my first birthday gift in the mail today! my grandmother is amazing. i cried.
p.p.s. this is the only icon i have related to cash moneys.

before i pass out from exhaustion, i want to express why i love people so. here are two reasons:

(at lowe's garden area)
kat: can you kill perennials?
employee: sure! use gasoline, weed killer, kerosene or you can grind them right up!

(at walmart)
kat: this store is TOO DAMN BIG
random lady walking by: are you from a small town or something?
kat: haha no

i think it was funnier in person. i have a bunch of phone photos that i take of products that i find humorous and often look back on them at later date, only to wonder why i thought they were so funny (e.g. "thirsty yoga towel"). i refrained from snapping one of the "METAL METAL screws", but i did take one of a baaaaaby ceiling fan that was like a regular fan but with laughably small fan blades. it was similar to its cousin: baby ketchup, which was originally intended to be two separate items. the stroller was a cake topper purchased as something i wanted to use to eat eggs out of. maybe draw a little smiley face on the egg, then devour it. jeff told me he didn't think i would be able to handle it. i think he was right haha. the conversation with my financial advisor was giggle inducing as well, as were most interactions that occurred today. i have lost friends for "not taking things seriously" before, but i assure you i can be serious. SRSLY serious. i just usually choose not to.

WOAH. suddenly the elton john song "don't let the sun go down on me" became EXTREMELY PERVERTED. hahahah thank you brain.

speaking of suns setting, the moon is supposed to appear especially big and shiny looking tonight. i wish i could catch a glimpse of it, but it seems to be overcast. that was my first word ever, in german. maybe i'm a werewolf?

oh my god. narcoleptic chick in a sandwich! i am in love.

we finally sat down to watch 'i am legend' tonight when my sister decided to call. sibling calls always take precedence over any activity that i am engrossed in. an hour and a half and infinite amounts of laughter later, i am pleased to say that I HAVE CHRIS ROCK TICKETS. mostly thanks to her persuasion, but also because i have enjoyed his comedy in the past and have fond memories of watching it with her and my mom. the show is on july 5th in kansas city and i am pretty excited. she passed her PHD physics exam! it is pass/fail so she will never know the extent of her genius. she said she was the only female taking the exam out of 25 people. apparently there is also a male in the process of a sex change, but she said that doesn't count haha. bitch better not steal her thunder!

as fate would have it, we were supposed to join the rest of jeff's family at world's of fun in KC this weekend but could not make it. now i don't feel so bad about missing sweet roller coaster action! okay, i'm lying. i will always miss it. i really hate randy for living next to cedar point. maybe we should go to cedar point for the honeymoon? p.s. i've decided to postpone the honeymoon until fall or winter when the weather is cooler and i can enjoy the contrast in climates. what's the point of going from hot hot wichita to hot hot tropicalfunplace? i want to SAVOR the heat, you know? i am making my own wedding rules.

speaking of wedding stuff, we tried to find a poetry selection for our reading. since we are not allowed to make our own vows or have crazy music (thanks to "this is not a ballgame" kitchel), it is the one part of the ceremony that we can really personalize. i wanted to use 'my little box' because isn't that what marriage is about? acquiring women's boxes? LOL. after browsing through some god awful online poetry, ( jeff found this one )

i nearly cried, i was so touched. then i got the end and retorted with fierce contention "HEY, my hands are not that small!" i threatened to use poetry that he had written for me in the past. hahahah well, my baby hands are tired from all this typing, so i will leave you with this photo of jeff and i dressed up as solid snake from metal gear. i went around the house as sexy snake (a la girl's costume warehouse video!) with my shirt tied up, but decided that the world is not ready for sexy snake just yet, haha. it was fun times, even though only a handful of people showed up to the midnight release. i'm not sure they realized i was a parody, but that's okay.

( SEXY SNAKE! )