Tegan

It's 31 degrees! So WARM!!! I love you sluthy mess! Just had my theory final and it actually wasn't that bad. hopefully that comment didn't jinx it and I'll get a good grade!

I went "Christmas shopping" with my friends on saturday. And byu christmas shopping I mean we wondered around the stores on the Mag Mile, knew that everything was way too expensive, and had a jolly good time. We went in to Marshal Fields and sat on Santa's lap. It was amazing! he tolde us he had played Tevah. it was indeed a good time. now the only trouble is that i actually do have to go christmas shopping. i got my brother's gift online. and i also ordered some things for my parents that are for both of them combined, but i feel like i should give them individual gifts as well. but hey it's only the 5th there are still 19 days of shopping left! WOOHOO! I sent out my Christmas cards this morning. I'm sending them to the camp people because i might not get a chance (in fact will not get a chance for the internationals) to see them before the holidays, so I decided they neeed some cheer in writing. I made them using my copy machine and various christmas oblects such as my "I saw Santa" suvenier that I got at marshall fields. They actually turned out pretty cool. I also went to the library and got some books for my end of the semester major research paper in english class. really it's not that major it onlky has to be 7 pages and i already have a little over a page of just introductiob without any research done yet at all. and it's only noon:45!!! i feel like i've done so much today! oh and did i mention i had class, picked a scene, went to the bank, and had lunch too! Quite frankly I'm amazing! hahahaha just kidding!

I went to the singers' showcase tonight and it was amazing! it's definitely on the goal list for next semester once i start my private lessons. We have to sing again in musical theater class and i'm not sure what to sing. boytim never let me do musical theatre so i don't have too many options. i'm attempting to get a copy of some into the woods stuff cause i think i did relatively well on that but i'm not sure if i'll be able to get it in a week. so i might sing a piece from Oklahoma that i did when i first started voice. it'll take a little review, but it's not a bad piece. and i don't think anyone did oklahoma last time, so it wouldn't be over kill or anything. plus i actually have it and i wouldn't have to swing by the library which would be a good thing, not that i don't love the harrold washington library and it's self important employees with all of my heart, but it would be nice not to have to fit it in to the crazy scehdule that is my life right now. Then again i have to go get some research material for english class anyway, so i suppose i could check when i go for that. so, my indecisiveness strikes again!

i was a little disapointed over thanksgiving because i didn't get to see kyle and the other camp people. okay hold the little, i was actually really dissapointed. ellen had to work on her thesis, a lot of people had family conflicts, and as usual kyle and i fell victim to miscommunication. I really don't know why it is, but he and i always seem to confuse the hell out of eachother. in this instance i thought he was going to meet me at the resturant and he thought i was going to call him when i wanted to go and we would go together, so i was sitting sipping cocoa in the resturant waiting for him and he was sitting at home waiting for me to call. later he i.m.ed me and let's just say it wasn't the friendliest of conversations. it was like neither of us were mad we were just really dissapointed at the realization that we haven't seen each other for three months and it's going to be another month before we have even the possibility of seeing each other again. i can't get him out of my head and i don't know why. it really bothers me.

I just signed my contract for next summer and i'd be lying if i didn't say that i am mildly terrified by that. The thing is, this place is amazing! and i really think i'm goinbg to have a great time there. the only trouble is that that's it. there's really no going back now. i am leaving my camp and working in Maine instead. though i suppose i could always go back to camp tommy the following year if it doesn't work out and as aweful as it sounds i have to say i won't be sorry to be rid of the Milton Hershey Weeks and the problem children who really should be going to specialty camps because they have severe personal and physical disorders, but come to Thompson because they can't afford those places. and it will be wonderful to be working at a place with good theatre and music programs. so all in all it really is a good decision and i'm glad that i'm doing it, but i can't rid myself of that sinking feeling. i know i did what was best for me, and i know that i am going to have a wonderful summer there. i just can't get myself excited about it. not yet any way. it will come i suppose. maybe i'll ask them to send me the promotional video that they send the parents, so i can get more hyped. yeah that'll be good.

i'm worried. i really wanted to try to see a lot of people this weekend because it's been a long time and i miss everyone and everything, but the sad truth of the matter is that thanksgiving break is only about three days long and people are not able to squeeze me in because a)a lot of kids are on the band trip b)people have 55million family things to do and c)most people have already been home a couple of times, so do not find it as pressing of an issue. so the camp thing fell through and i'm trying not to take it personally and tonight i'm hoping to see some high school friends and i'm really really worried that no one will show up or it'll only be two or three people. ok granted i was only ever originally thinking about 8 for this get together but still 2 or 3 is still a dismal number and if only that many people show up i don't know if i can handle it. i'm really sort of paranoid and i hate that. what's worse is that it feels weird being here. and i hate that it does. it's like the quirkyness, rhythm, and insanity that is chicago and my life there has somehow become where i have to be. i just feel out of place here. and all the little habits i've picked up there, which are totally normal and no one cares about there are apparently quite odd here. for example my tendency to sing outloud when walking down the street, or my habit of practicing tap moves while waiting for the train, or in this case outside of fay's waiting for my m.i.a. friends. let's just say i've gotten a few odd looks. i really just don't see where i fit into this world. because in chicago it's not like i'm miss popularity or anything. i mean i have a few friends and we're starting to hang out more and i go about my days pretty well with a lot of chums to say hi to and whatnot, and one of my friends has even asked me about getting an apartment together next year, so things are alright, but it's not like a dream world. my current roommates and i still aren't great friends and i don't even know the majority of the kids on my floor. Acting class has come from being a group of friends to several groups of people ready to kill each other. so all in all it's pretty bitter sweet there. there are great moments, but there are still a lot of confussing ones and dissapointing ones. and that's how it is here too. there are people here that i care about and who care about me, but i always feel kind of out of place. it's like the things that i find really important no one else really cares that much about or something. i really don't know how to explain this actually. i suppose i'm not making all that much sense. but that's really the whole point it doesn't make sense. i don't understand it to save my life. but i also get this weird feeling that other people have felt the same way. that other people see things differently, like me, and it's just a matter of finding them. is that just foolish optimism or are there other people who see it like i do? i really just don't know and i suppose i never will. and what's worse really is i despise those kids that are like 'no one understands me. i'm so alone in the world' those kids really kind of bother me. am i one of those kids? or am i just really independent? yeah i really just don't know, as i have said about 50 times now so i'll just end this now.

Hey evryone! it's thanksgiving!!!! YEA!!!!!
Don't forget to come see RENT with us on saturday! it'll be awesome! 7:00 my house be there!

4 Hours till my flight! i'm so excited! and supposedly there are still seats available on a plane that takes off an hour and a half earlier so i'm gonna see if i can switch over to that one instead! that would be frickin awesome! sadly, i have english class in between. and it's not even that i don't like english class because i usually do. there's this one guy in particular who usually brings up really interesting stuff. yeah i don't know his name whatever. in any case i really just don't want to go today because i know there won't be very many people and i already gave her my first rough draft which is what we're supposed to be doing today, so hopefully i'll get to leave early. i figure the earlier i can get to the airport the better! that way i'll have a better chance of getting an earlier flight which would be kickass, and even if i don't i really don't mind hanging around the airport. i'll have my laptop with me so i can just work on some homework, or watch movies and such. plus the airport has cinnabon which quite frankly i am a fan of. so yeah fingers crossed i'll get out of class early. i can't wait to see everyone back home! you guys = amazing!

P.S. DON'T FORGET: this saturday RENT! come to my house 7ish for dinner then we'll head to the film! hope to see you all there!

I just got back from a Christmas Carol at the Goodman and i must say it was amazing! my friend emily's daddy was in it and he did amazingly! our sightsinging teacher was the musical director and i must say his musical arrangments were quite fitting! and he dresses like a pirate 9 days out of 10 which i approve of. and then when i was waiting for the elevator adam was there which was a bit odd cause he doesn't live in my building. he claimed he's here like all the time but i've never seen him around. whatever he often confusses me. i just printed my boarding pass, so i'm all set for my flight tomorrow. hopefully there won't be too many delays and whatnot. my english teacher has decided to assign us like 55 million things to read for tomorrow which makes me sad, but i don't have acting in the morning, so i can spend my morning packing and doing english homework, so it should work out alright. speaking of acting class megan tells me i've been pared up with chris for our scene work which is freakin awesome! i wasn't there when we picked partners so i thought i'd get stuck with someone crappy, but chris is like the best in the class! it should be a good time!

18 hours till departure!

i have to say i am a big sga fan. it's really quite a hilarious way to spend your weekend. in all honesty there are a lot of really important things that sga does. we try to solve a lot of the school's problems and are really the only link between the students and the administration. what i find funny is that the silly, seemingly minor issues seem to be the ones that spark the most debates. the most heated sga arguements i have ever whitnessed have been over a school dance and school colors! it makes me giggle! but over all i love sga and the people in it. they win at life!

i can't wait for thanksgiving! wait i think i've said that in the last twenty entries or so, but i'm just reminding you in case you forgot. in any case i think it should be totally awesome and i'm rediculously excited about it. i hope it lives up to its hype.
i'm going to see a christmas carol with my friend emily on tuesday. it should be a jolly good time. her dad's in it and our sightsinging teacher is the musical director, so that's pretty cool. Oh Joe Cerqua I love you!

Well our final performance was today and for the first time in my life i am actually pretty glad to see it end. for the most part i enjoyed this show. i met a lot of really great people, i had some fun, and i learned some things about myself, but there were a few conflicts as to how things were run, professionalism, etc., and it was getting to a point of near hostility, which is really a shame because as people we all get along quite nicely, but as creative workers not so much. in any case it was a jolly good time, but i'm not sad to see it end.

Home in SIX days! 6! that's awesome! and i have sucessfully secured plans with various groups of friends, so that's fabulous! so the weekend is planned as such:
Wednesday: spend most of the day at O'Hare working on homework, fly home
Thursday: Thanksgiving! Dinner with the Family then HP at the Imax with Mom & Trevor (Dad's not really into it. he gets scared easily. couldn't handle dragons.)
Friday: relaxing at the house
Saturday: breakfast at Fay's with camp people then...RENT party with CHS friends!
Sunday: fly back to Chicago
I'm so excited! it should be a really great trip!

WOO HOO! First chicago snow! it's awesome! it's not enough to stick. there're just some flurries in the air and floating on the grass, but it's amazing. the wind is a killer though. i must remember to wear a hat in the future. also must invest in long underwear cause my legs almost broke off, dude it happens.

i feel kind of bad because i'be really deserted sga lately. i haven't been able to come to any of the meetings or anything and it sadens me. but hopefully i'll be able to go to things next week and get back on track. i finally got a facebook account last night and people are right...it is the new crack. i love it. i keep trying to find people and i've realized how few last names i know. it makes things difficult, so most of my "friends" are friends from high school and not here cause i don't know any last names, but such is life. i suppose 3 months into school i should know these things, but i don't. oh well.

i'm sitting here watching miami ink while i probably should be writting one of two papers that are due now, but such is life. there's an english essay that frankly i'm just not feeling. i'm really just not that dedicated to. and then there's a paper for musical theatre that's technically not due till the tuesday after thanksgiving and i DO NOT want to spend my holiday writing a report, but i've never been one to actually do something in advance. i haven't had the time to get to the library and check out some books, so i'm hoping next friday once my show is done i'll drag my ass off the bed and actually write it. it only has to be five pages so it's not too bad. i think i'm going to write it on harold arlen because he wrote pretty much every song you love but never knew who wrote it such as "over the rainbow". in any case i'm not feelin it.

i've got to have my monologue learned for class tomorrow. i'm worried becasue the one i chose takes place when the character is coming to terms with the fact that her sister is dying. it's a highly emotional scene and when i was doing it off book earlier i was actually breaking down to tears, which is fucking awesome for an actual scene, but in a monologue i'm not sure it's appropriate, so i'm not sure what i'll do with that, and the end part is still a bit shaky, so yeah we'll see about that one.

andrew had a fever today. shed tear. i felt really bad for him cause things weren't goin that great and he was sick and it made me sad. he's such a nice guy.

sometimes i think about my future. (and by sometimes i mean several times a day) and i wonder what i'm going to do. i come up with all these senarios that will just work like clock work and make me the happiest person in the owrld, but then i remember the 25 million reasons why said scenario probably won't work like said clock work, and then i start to worry, a lot. and then i think why am i worrying? i still have at least three and a half years of school before i have to seriously think about such things. so then i wonder well then why am i wondering? why don't i have that throw away your life, care free, nothing matters cause i'm young, let's get trahed mentality that everyone else my age seems to have? it's like i skipped that part in my life. i just don't want the same things other kids want. i don't care about the he said she said drama that permiates the halls of my dorm. i just want to skip ahead to graduation day and start my life. wouldn't it be great if life were a movie and the three years later sign could pop up and you could just get on with things? just wondering.

i register for classes tomorrow. being a freshman everyone else already has, so that kind of sucks, but i just checked the stats and all the classes i want are still available, so hopefully they'll stay that wy till 5pm tomorrow. if i can get the classes i want i won't have any on fridays which will be really nice, so fingers crossed for that one. i hate picking classes. it's such a chore.

that is all for now

I love living here. Lately random guys on the street have taken to calling me beautiful and telling me i have really nice eyes. And I don't mean the pan handlers either! i mean the beggars tell every girl she's gorgeous which is also very nice, but these are just regular everyday guys. it's weird, but awesome. Like today i was walking down Michigan with my head down to protect from the cold and this guy says "Good Morning Beautiful" when i turn to say hello he says "Aw a pretty girl like you should always walk with your face up for the world to see. You've got such pretty eyes. You're disappointing all the men with your face turned down like that." i just smiled and thanked him and continued on my way. it was just so bizarre to have this relatively refined, suit wearing man say something like that to me, and it's been happening almost every day lately. i can't tell you how many people have said that i have pretty eyes lately. i have to say i much appreciate it. it's a very nice feeling.

we sang in musical theatre class today. it went pretty well. The comments they gave were all things i already know i have to work on and they didn't spend too much time and negative energy on me as they did with some others, so good there.

12 days till i get to go home! that's an awefully lot of days...but considering that the first time i counted the days i had about 74 and that doesn't feel like too long ago, i figure it can't be too terrible. i really can't wait! i really hope i get to see a lot of people. i'll definitely see the parents and the brother which is already totally awesome, and i'm hoping to get a bunch of friends together as well. hopefully a fair number of high school friends can come to my little party. a fair few have already said they can come! yea! and then i'm hoping to find a way to get the camp people together as well. but, there's still time (12 days) so i don't want to push anything yet.

in sad news, i have been paired with Johnathan for sight singing duets. honestly i knew i would be, but now that i actually am i'm very dissapointed. the thing is the duets are boy girl and he pretty much tried to put a strong person with a weaker person. i'm one of th stronger girls and johnathan is one of the weakest guys, so i figured the chances were quite high that we would be paired. Damn you Joe Cerqua!!! haha just kidding i <3 Joe!

I just had the longest, most busy day ever! It was intense! This is how it went. 9-11am acting class, 11-12:30 home for lunch and english readings, 12:30-2 english class, 2-3 ride the train to evansten, 3-4 job interview, 4-5 ride train back, 5-6 singers' alliance rehearsal, 6-7 call back auditions, 7-8:15 church, 8:15-9 dinner at the pub and call home to tell mom about job interview, 9-11 Not Enough Rope rehearsal, and now i'm finally home! it all went surprisingly well and i wasn't more than five minutes late to anything which is just a miracle!

I have to sing in musical theatre class tomorrow. I think i'm going to sing "You Are Free", but i can't really decide. i mean everyone so far has done these crazy power ballads, and i do want to do something different, but i'm not sure if an opperetta no one's ever heard of is the right answer. then again boytim never let me do broadway, and i don't have the score's for any of the shows i've been in, so my options are a bit limited. so, i'll end up doing "you are free" and it'll be good, but it'll be different and sheldon will tell me not to fiddle with my thumbs and we'll call it a day.

You’re Invited to a RENT party!!!!
Even if you don't know much about RENT i'd still love to see you, so give it a thought!

What? You heard me! A RENT party!
We’ll start off at my house for dinner, RENT sing along and dancing,
And then caravan over to the theatre for the 9ish showing!

When? Saturday Nov. 26 (Thanksgiving weekend) 7:00pm

Where? Starting at my house.
I think you’ve all been there but if you forget just comment or send me an email or something and i'll get back to you!

Anything else I need to know? Why yes, so good of you to ask!
Since we’ll be driving over it would be great if a couple of other people could drive. I can fit six others plus me in my car, but hopefully we’ll get even more people interested! (Side note on the driving thing: if you don’t drive personally that’s ok! Don’t volunteer your parents! It’s mad lame! We should easily have enough room.)Also remember that this is all about the movie, so you’ll need to bring some muhla for the movie and if you want popcorn or anything! And of course the soundtrack if you’re driving for the ride to the theatre!

I hope to see you there!
Xoxo tegan

p.s. feel free to pass a copy of this on to someone I may have forgotten! I miss you guys! I want to see as many people as I can that weekend!
I’d hate for someone to feel excluded!

Sheldon came to our rehearsal today and he actually liked it! yea! i <3 sheldon. in other news...wait yeah i don't really have anything to say...that sucks...so i'll fill this entry with notes and thanks to friends acquaintances who won't get them because only a few know about this site. but it's better to say it without it being heard than to never say it at all.

adam love why do you have to be so cute? seriously, it's not fair! are you game or not? i just want to know.
Chloe i'm sorry about everything. i wish i knew how to make it better but i don't. i hope we get a miracle.
emily mott you are my hero thanks for befriending me!
megan, stop worrying. you're better than you know.
greg, thanks for always walking me home.
paul you're so funny. i don't think i could handle rehearsal without you.
tommy, thanks for the hugs. i needed that so badly.
andrew your the best stage manager ever and you're going to make a wonderful director and choreographer some day!
everyone at home, i can't wait to see you guys at thanksgiving! i love you so much!

i can't seem to feel okay right now. i'm really paranoid and i keep going from these extreme highs to these extreme lows like i'm a drug addict or something. i just feel like there's no reason why things should be this complicated, but they are. can't just one thing in my life work itself out so i can take even one breathe without it getting caught in my throat? can't i just get through one day or even just an hour without that frantic panic mode kicking in? can i please not colapse into sobbing hysterics over the silliest little things? and sweety can you just hold me? all of this subtle touching and purposeful rearranging is driving me crazy. are we friends or not? make up your mind love or i just might lose mine.

i think i have a problem. there's this guy i really like and i know who he is but he doesn't know who i am. see what it is is that he graduated last year and i've seen him in a bunch of shows and hanging around with some of the seniors and such, so i know who he is and i feel like i know him because people talk about him sometimes, but he doesn't know anything about me and it's really bizzare.

Saw Company, twice actually. it's really good. i didn't really know what it was about before i went, but i really enjoyed it. it seemed really real. the relationships and characters were very genuine which you don't always get in musical theater.

i've come to a discovery. i can't get drunk off beer. i think it's mainly because i don't really like the taste so it takes me a good hour to drink just one, and when you drink that slowly it really doesn't effect you. it's really quite depressing because beer is the most readily accesible, but any time i've had beer i haven't really felt much of anything, but by my second or third shot or mixed drink i'm buzzing and by six i'm gone. i've never even made it past three beers in the course of a whole evening cause i can't stand the damn taste.