hErStOrY??

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storyofthatgirl

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November	[Nov. 1st, 2007\|08:12 pm]
Kristen/Rutherford is the name of a complex algorithm that allows scientists to simultaneously compute the carbohydrate content of candy, the alcohol content of cocktails, the instantaneous moment of inertia of free-falling deformable bodies (such as people), and the optimal velocity vectors that will achieve the fastest delivery of the first two categories into the third category within a space of no less than 10 cubic meters and no more than 10^6 cubic kilometers. The algorithm was first envisioned in 1929, when Albert Einstein attended a party in New York that was being held to celebrate the constantly rising stock market. It was at this party where a chance accident occurred that involved a waiter carrying a tray of drinks, the hostess carrying a dish filled with mints, and Einstein. The three collided at the top of a flight of stairs. At the bottom of the stairs, Einstein realized that miraculously all of the mints and alcohol had somehow ended up being swallowed by the dark-haired hostess (Marie Rutherford). Over the next two years, Einstein puzzled over the physics of the odd accident. He worked through the dynamic equations and Heisenberg's work on uncertainty at the quantum level, and finally pieced them into a cohesive algorithm. He named it the Rutherford Algorithm after the hostess. The following years were spent testing the algorithm, with little success. Various types of candies, drinks, and numbers of subjects were tried, but the actual action of the bodies never matched the prediction of the algorithm. Drinks were spilled, and most of the candies would end up scattered around the laboratory floor. By 1935, Einstein was about to abandon his work. However, during his planned final experiment, a young intern with dark brown hair named Michelle Kristen was helping to set up and slipped on a Red Hot that had been dropped and overlooked during an earlier test. Her fall caused a chain reaction that ended up with her consuming the Red Hot, 20 Tootsie Rolls, and four Bourbon Sours within the time it took her to fall 3 feet. Einstein quickly recognized that the common thread in the two cases was the inclusion of a woman with darker than average hair. Later experiments with Irene Dunne proved the accuracy of the renamed "Kristen/Rutherford" algorithm and resulted in moderate weight gain and significant hangovers for the actress. Unfortunately, all of the papers documenting the work on the algorithm were destroyed a couple of years later following a test where Katherine Hepburn consumed ten Tom Collins (and thirteen Valomilk Bars) and in a drunken rage set fire to the facility. All that remains now is the name and the hope that one day the work may continue. This month’s bio brought to you by ARIOCK if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to: occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com
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September	[Sep. 8th, 2007\|07:56 pm]
Kristen Rutherford was born at the age of 28, when she woke up from a Tim-Tam induced coma and had no idea who she was. (Well, that’s not entirely true. She knew she suffered from stealth Type 1 Diabetes—hence the chocolate-cookie induced sugar coma.) Kristen’s friends and family declined to inform her of her past likes, dislikes, habits and talents—or even her own name—by way of gently suggesting that Kristen might be a better person if she just started over. Thus the person now known as “Kristen Rutherford” was invented, one personality trait at a time. When Kristen left the hospital, she set off on an self-discovery around-the-world trip, which was funded by the very generous honorarium the National Enquirer offered her for an exclusive interview with “The Woman Who Almost Died of a Freak Chocolate Overdose—but was saved by a Miracle!” Her plan: to explore as many cultures as possible, so she could remake her identity according to the best pieces of every kind of woman she met along the way. In London, she picked up a charming, flirty cockney accent. In Paris, she learned how to woo men by baking chocolate croissants. (But she never lets them eat more than two at a time—she learned her lesson, that Kristen!) In Munich, she adopted the habit of taking small, beloved dogs on public transportation and to restaurants. In New Delhi, she mastered the art of Bollywood dance. In Beijing, she discovered how to cure disease through foot reflexology. In Singapore, she developed the habit of raging against the suppression of free speech. In Melbourne, she became the first professional female Aussie-rules football goalie. She planned to settle there permanently, but tragically, her career was cut short when fans of opposing teams began taunting her during the game by throwing thousands of their national cookie—the Tim Tam—on the field during time-outs. It was all too much, and so Kristen moved back to Los Angeles, where she had woken up from her coma just two years before. Today, Kristen is one of the most successful motivational speakers of her time. From her inspirational lecture “Making up the You You Were Never Meant to Be But Still Could Be, Allow Me to Set You Free!” to her powerful cautionary tale “Secret Food Foes: I’m in ur kitchen, sucking up ur insulins” to her six-part interactive workshop “Bake, Pet, Dance, Massage and Speak Your Way to Happiness”, Kristen has a unique gift for helping other live their best life possible. Everyone who has met her is a better person for it This month’s bio brought to you by Jane McGonigal if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to: occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com
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JULY/AUGUST	[Jul. 11th, 2007\|09:57 am]
The original Yankee Doodle, Kristen Rutherford was born on a cold spring morning to the sounds of birds chirping, butter churning, chickens clucking, and other reports that make up the aural panoply of olde tyme rural life. The year was 1764, the location was a little place called colonial America. While she generously mocked the elite, she wasn't beyond taking a jab at the masses either. When she was eight years old, Kristen composed a song that we know today as "Yankee Doodle" and, while the melody remained the same, the lyrics have changed somewhat from her original: Kristen Rutherford is great She never holds a long grudge Dressed herself in modish clothes And called herself a posh drudge Kristen grew up fast and loose and had little time to work hard to acquire the niceties of life. She was very difficult to please and had little patience for other people's perceived weaknesses. Despite this, she made friends quickly, but just as quickly dumped them, with little fanfare and a lot of bluntness, usually dismissing them with a flippant phrase such as, "We can no longer be friends because of my dogma." As a young lady, Kristen became a model. Her image is forever captured in this patriotic painting: Around 1794, Kristen Rutherford disappeared forever and no one knows what happened to her. The last known correspondence from her, dated July 26, 1779, is a partial letter to an unknown recipient, in which the only sentence, though just a fragment, reads, "You obviously knew about Beethoven in the beginning of the week and you obviously knew..." What can truly be said of Kristen Rutherford's short stay in history is that the latter half of the 16th century would not have been the same without her. This month's bio brought to you by hmrpita if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to: occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com
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MAY	[Jun. 6th, 2007\|09:47 am]
Meet Kristen. She's cute. She's sassy. She's laissez-faire. She's also a cold-blooded killer. Yes, behind that façade of seemingly innocent, blissful mischief is a supa-ninja warrior of the highest caliber. Trained by the venerable Noriyuki "Pat" Morita, Rutherford cut her teeth in the yakuza and has been videotaped literally kicking the heads off enemy combatants whilst keeping her tongue firmly locked on her ever-present PSP. A master of disguise, she has penetrated foreign embassies with her uncanny ability to transform herself into an 83-year-old Hasidic Jew. Once inside, she wreaks havoc upon every living organism before whisking off to her next destination to unleash yet more utter destruction. Even very tiny pet turtles do not escape her wrath. This martial arts wunderkind is a grave threat to democracy. If you see any 83-year-old Hasidic Jewish men licking PSPs, contact your local S.W.A.T. team immediately. This month's bio brought to you by resk if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to: occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com
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JUNE	[Jun. 5th, 2007\|02:27 pm]
Kristen Rutherford didn't discover that the correct term for her ethnicity was Asian — not Oriental — until she was a freshman in college. Since then she has continually striven for the advancement of Korean-Americans in the mainstream of American society. In a power to her people move, she taught English as a Second Language in New York City. While in the Big Apple, she devoured all of the varieties of cuisine, and she was famous in certain boroughs for ingesting seventeen sandwiches comprised of dim sum, bagels, and grits. Enriched by a steady diet of Asian candy, Kristen needed no sleep and led the lives of three people. After the last papers were graded, she would work the swing shift as a training coordinator for the Association of Certified Fraud Examiners. Her finest hour at the ACFE was when she kicked a boy who had knowingly taken a coffee mug from Dunkin Donuts without paying for it. Despite her fraud-fighting efforts, she was still very active on the social scene and was frequently mistaken for the beard of Genesis guitarist and distant relative Mike Rutherford. Rutherford dismissed the charges saying, "she's just like.. background voices and stuff... ambiance." Since then, she's donned a mermaid suit and long blond wig, and masqueraded as a backup singer for rocker Robert Palmer's look-alike. In a feeble attempt to channel Eva Gabor, she has competed in several county fairs. She won first place in a senior team grooming at the Iowa fair before moving on to the biggest event at the Oregon Sate Fair. In the category of Line and Shading Combo, Anastasia Mejia received a blue and champion while Kristen Rutherford received a blue. Hood River County was very proud. Hood River decided they couldn't do better and featured her on the most famous marketing postcard ever This month's bio brought to you by Jamie B if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to: occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com
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APRIL	[Apr. 2nd, 2007\|06:51 pm]
Still True After All These Years. if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to: occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com
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MARCH

[Mar. 7th, 2007|10:11 am]

Borne of solid Mercury, Kristen gained early notoriety as a whistleblower against the vicious dictatorship of Karl Marx. Ultimately leading to a war fought entirely with zeppelins, this is a notable for the sole reason that it was the 1850s, and zeppelins had not yet been invented. No explanation is ever offered.

Her work completed, Kristen went on to become the most feared "Ultra Princess Astronaut Pirate". Sailing the high seas of the Van Allen Belt in her ship, the S.S. Bootstrap, her crew of loyal flower salesmen and kittens roamed Earth orbit looting passing vessels for their precious shoes. With her rallying cry, "How many snakes died to make those shoes?" she never failed to elicit confusion and halfhearted attempts at answers by her crew. Sadly, they never realized that although too many snakes had died, it had not been enough.

Today Kristen adventures across the globe, searching for the Tomato Fountain of legend. Jungle natives have often reported someone yelling in the dead of night "With it I shall bake goods so delicious, the world will be mine!" followed by cursing after they apparently run afoul of a tree.

The moral of the story: Buy war bonds!

This month's story of that girl is brought to you by UBERSAURUS

if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to:

occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com

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FEBRUARY

[Feb. 1st, 2007|10:37 pm]

"I'm sure you know all about Eve but have you heard
the crap about Kristen? Yes, she was the little bitch
in the chorus waiting for Mimi to succumb for the very
last time. She was so smooth, so ready, so poised to
make her move, that the power pack of the mic did not
so much as kiss the floor that she had swooped it up
and charged the apron of the stage of Rent like a
wild beast--albeit a wounded beast, since Mimi is
dying of course. One has to admire her spunk."

This month's story of that girl is brought to you by DEE LaDUKE

if you think you can do better, then you should write a bio and submit it to:

occupant[at]kristenrutherford[dot]com

ARCHIVES

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JANUARY

[Jan. 3rd, 2007|06:59 pm]

Kristen’s current interests are those of any American teenager. Despite the fact that she swims, roller skates and rides horseback, she is not muscular; and all the cupcakes, pastrami and gooey sundaes she eats have not made her fat. For a girl with a fiery reputation, she lives in the remarkably temperate climate of Santa Monica, CA. Her gracious home life is built around her lovely dogs, Mr. Doom and Shenanigans. She relaxes by exercising and cooking, but sometimes bursts out with clothes-buying orgies. Says Kristen, "Somebody takes care of the money, so I just draw what I need and go go go!" Kristen is rumored to be married, so she dates rarely.

THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY XOLONDON

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DECEMBER

[Dec. 1st, 2006|10:18 am]

Discovered totally by accident, when Professor Johan Van Der Huut spilled liquid Einsteinium on an egg salad sandwich and left the concoction exposed to air, Kristen Rutherford was born of a bizarre chemical reaction between the rare mineral and the mayonnaise which drench the contents of the sandwich.

Taking the entity, which resembled a full grown woman, Professor Van Der Huut emigrated to Spain where he taught Kristen to read and write. Within a week, she had also taught herself to ride a bicycle, cook roasted meats and imitate the popular singing groups of the 1940s. Within the year, Kristen was conversing with the kings and queen of long dead cultures and this scared Professor Van Der Huut, who sent her to Nepal to live amongst the Yeti.

Whilst there, she found and mated with the prince of the Yetikin, a family of displaced Nepalese beggars who erroniously belived that they were in fact the mythical snow creatures. Nothing could be further from the truth, as Kristen soon came to realise that they were mere mortals. This saddened her, and she soon found herself aboard a tramp steamer bound for the new world. Having no money of her own, she survived by utilising her skills as a chef and singer to entertain the crew and paying passengers, who dubbed her "Queen Of Entertainment 1952", however, as the year was 2003, this only served to confuse and irritate her, and she disembarked the vessel at the nearest Polynesian island. Tonga.

Here, Kristen amassed a vast fortune trading in coconuts and single square pieces of lego. Soon enough, she found that she was rich enough to move to the mystical land of coffee, a place the natives called Seattle. It is here where we join the story of our brave hero, already in progress...

THIS MONTHS BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY cerulgalactus

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NOVEMBER	[Oct. 30th, 2006\|05:40 pm]
This month's bio brought to you by ANONYMOUS (but clearly a 4AD fan) can you do better? SUBMIT A BIO
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OCTOBER

[Oct. 1st, 2006|09:39 am]

Kristen once successfully landed a crippled 747 in Salt Lake City.

Kristen likes The Wizard of Oz

Kristen once had her head transplanted onto a Chihuahua.

Kristen allegedly conspired to kidnap one of a set of quintuplets to keep for her very own.

Kristen once sang backup for an Irish soul band.

Kristen will always be haunted by the fact that she abandoned David in the woods.

Kristen leads a secret life as a Mexican wrestler.

Kristen can set things on fire with her mind.

Kristen is not a concept.

Kristen once publicly slapped the chief of police because he didn’t shut down the beaches.

Kristen was part of the rebel alliance, and a traitor.

Kristen was once marooned on an iceberg with two cars.

Kristen is often seen wearing pink wigs in Tokyo karaoke bars.

Kristen is not an animal.

Kristen once found an organ abandoned in the street.

Kristen won’t let anyone touch her while she’s wearing taffeta.

Kristen used to make fresh coffee right off the trees, back when she was picking beans in Guatemala.

Kristen often goes to pet stores and asks for toys they don’t have.

Kristen married her childhood sweetheart, after he grew up to be a pirate.

Kristen leads a secret life as Elastigirl.

Kristen invented Post-It notes.

Kristen was once reunited with her husband thanks to dozens of Flying Elvii.

Kristen’s huband sells shower curtain rings.

Kristen once lived in a secluded hotel for the winter.

Kristen doesn’t realize she’s a replicant.

Kristen likes to be the only one on the street wearing a red dress.

Kristen lives with her husband and two kids on a time-traveling train.

For recreation, Kristen bowls, drives around, and has the occasional acid flashback.

Kristen doesn’t drink merlot.

Kristen has a $4,000 sofa, upholstered in Italian silk.

Kristen was born in County Cork, Ireland, until her family immigrated to New York City.

Kristen is a graduate of the Copacabana School of Dramatic Art.

Kristen is known for giving people pens in exchange for their hearts.

Kristen isn’t bad; she’s just drawn that way.

THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY VPISTEVE

(and of course that means it's actually a puzzle)

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SEPTEMBER	[Sep. 1st, 2006\|11:50 pm]
That Girl is moving to That House Plus, The August bio rocked! Dang -- that mule sure can write funnEh things! So we are keeping it up for September See you in October. end transmission
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AUGUST

[Aug. 1st, 2006|12:02 am]

The zoo of Sandiego Zoo named their panda-girl Su-Lin "A little bit of something cute."
I suppose mostly that they didn't know that is already name of best girl Princess Yum-Yum! Silly uneducated panda cannot xerox-copy Princess Yum-Yum at all!

PYY was born on a mountainside in Woolong Provionce China just like heroic Davy Crocket already. She squeaked and cried when she got shots from the doctor, but so did you, remember! She pretended to eat bamboo until such time that her teeth arrived, and now she pretends no more because the eating is real!

The beautiful princess likes to help people all the time. Like giving sips of vitamin water, helping with directions, and making broken internet work! She is a hero with many posters, music albums and a spaceship. Will she visit you? Probably not unless you start asking for such a favor!

THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY GOOD SIR CHRIS

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JULY	[Jul. 1st, 2006\|01:53 pm]
Kristen Rutherford: the woman, the myth, the legend. At age 3 she became the undisputed world Scrabble champion, despite the fact that she could not yet read. Next, at age 8 she was given Willy Wonka's chocolate factory after winning a contest in which her main competitors all mysteriously died while touring Mr. Wonka's factory with her. Though there are often whispers that Ms. Rutherford herself may have played a part in the demise of her competition, no one has ever been able to conclusively prove foul-play was involved. Indeed, the only remains ever found of her ill-fated companions were two coat buttons (belonging to Carl "Bon-Bon" McGee) that surfaced in a Wonkabar in Indonesia in the early 1980's. By age 11 Kristen had parlayed the success of her Wonka confectionary kingdom into her own line of clothing known as "Buy these clothes or I will eat your soul" (B.t.c.o.I.w.e.y.s. for short, and then B.t.c.s. for even shorter, and then eventually, just B). However, at age 16 she tasted true failure for the first time in her life when her radical workout program, known as Tai-Boga, failed to catch on. She would eventually lose hundreds of millions on this debacle, due not only to her inexplicable demand that all workout tapes should be in Beta-max format, but also due to the fact that those few consumers who still did have a Beta-max player were unsure if they should be stretching, kick-boxing, or dancing at any given moment (such uncertainties led to numerous "groin-related injury" lawsuits which still persist even to this day). Ever the resilient one however, Ms. Rutherford once again found success in her life when, at the age of 18, she had bestowed upon her the prestigious "Back of the Head of the Year" award by Time magazine. Such recognition eventually lead Kristen to a lucrative modeling contract with Head and Shoulders shampoo, though two years later she would part ways with the brand after someone "accidentally" put lighter fluid in her stage bottle of shampoo during the Time Square unveiling of "Fire Proof Head and Shoulders". Although the company maintained that a simple mix-up had occurred during the event, numerous witnesses claim to have both seen and heard a haggard old Irish woman screaming "that was for my little bon-bon", just after Ms. Rutherford's hair erupted into flames. By age 23 Ms. Rutherford was the proud owner of a billion-dollar junkfood/telecommunications empire (known as Clogco) that employed more than 500,000 people, and by age 26 she acquired Microsoft after finding 50 billion in "couch change" while searching for a lost tv remote in her 24^th mansion. Now aged 29, Kristen is on track to become the richest person ever to live. In her free time she enjoys making trillions of dollars, completing hostile takeovers of rival companies, and ice skating. can you do better? THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY ZEKE
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JUNE

[Jun. 1st, 2006|09:12 pm]

"Kristella E. Rutherstein was born in a jewish ghetto, Peachtree, GA, 1970.
The product of an otherwise unremarkable childhood (except that she was
Christian home-schooled with private tutoring in glossolalia and snake
handling), at age 9 she soon took up her one true passion and art: smoking.
As other artists work in oils or clay, K. paved new paths in smoking, even
earning the subsequently of little use to her title of "Little Ms.
Smokes-A-Lot 1987."

Flush with success and hermetically sealed in a cocoon of smoke and ash, K.
took her show to "the big Apple" (some see significance in the trade off of
peaches for an apple, but I think they're full of shit). Though trendy for
a while and eye-catching, the elaborate spiraled helixes of smoky DNA from a
17-year old girl ultimately lose their mystique to the all-too-fickle New
York critics. Kristella is now bored, broke, and stuck with a 3-pack a day
addiction. It was time for a new direction, a new lease on life. It was
time ...

To dance. Our young Kristella signs up for a tour in a traveling company of
"Riverdance," a hard trick to pull off given that she doesn't exactly give
off a very strong Gaelic vibe. Wigs and breast-enlargement will serve the
cause well. There's also the issue of a budding emphysema, that haunts her
to this day. But the steps--yeah, she's got 'em, and she lights up the
stage with extended improvised twirls--a kind of "dualing banjos" with a
Michael Flatley-knockoff. Off-stage, though, she eyes the smoke machines
with an eerie fascination. She will only really feel at home in the smoke
... It is on a lazy stop of this tour that she first eyes with pleasure,
and disgust, the smoggy haze of a late '80s L.A. Kristella is smitten.

But how to negotiate that "nostos" (Grk. "return, homecoming")? "I'll act.
That's it: I'll act. And in acting I will give myself to the smoke." The
rest is, as we say, "history: (or: "Herstory," as the caption so perfectly
reads). Of course, endemic prejudices compelled some changes in locale,
appearance and even nomenclature: gone is New York, with its pretensions
and hazy coffee house suavité, replaced by L.A., with its own pretensions
and balmy, atomized self-satisfaction; gone are the strawberry blond wigs,
the gallon-jug breasts, the affected elfish, Irlandaise glee; gone now, too,
the faintly regal -ella of Kristella, gone the smoke-hardened, German stone
("-stein") that decorated her "Ruther-," replaced with the more sensual and
liquid "ford" (compare also: Lita F-). Yes, plain-Jane Kristella
Rutherstein is translated to the serious, the very glamorous Kristen
Rutherford."

THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY JOE ROMERO

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MAY

[May. 1st, 2006|11:08 pm]

Born to middle class parents in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, Kristen Rutherford published her first poem when she was eight. Sensitive, intelligent, compelled toward perfection in everything she attempted, she was, on the surface, a model daughter, popular in school, earning straight A's, winning the best prizes. By the time she entered Smith College on a scholarship in 1950 she already had an impressive list of publications, and while at Smith she wrote over four hundred poems.

Kristen's surface perfection was however underlain by grave personal discontinuities, some of which doubtless had their origin in the death of her father (he was a college professor and an expert on bees) when she was eight. During the summer following her junior year at Smith, having returned from a stay in New York City where she had been a student ``guest editor'' at Mademoiselle Magazine, Kristen nearly succeeded in killing herself by swallowing sleeping pills. She later described this experience in an autobiographical novel, The Bell Jar, published in 1963.

THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY DWG

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APRIL

[Apr. 1st, 2006|10:08 am]

Kristen is living the crazy life

She's fascinated by the occult, with a particular interest in darker colored felines

and dolls fashioned after real-world counterparts.

I've often suspected that in her presence I'd be prone to clumsiness.

She enjoys trying new things in substandard lighting conditions.

She's unable to concentrate on anything for more than 12 hours at a time.

She puts her friends in situations that could make them susceptible to illness.

She has the ability to administer opiates if you live her vida loca.

Harmful side effects may ensue. Join along.

Disoriented, Kristen is living the crazy life.

Violating your personal space, Kristen is living the crazy life.

She wears excessive makeup.

Exhausting you, Kristen is living the crazy life. Join along.

Kristen is living the crazy life. Join along.

Kristen is living the crazy life.

THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY ELAN

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MARCH	[Mar. 1st, 2006\|06:19 pm]
In a world...ravaged by pharaoh induced famine, she came braving desert storms astride a golden winged camel... In a time...plagued by soup can poverty and riddled with corruption, she arrived, a glimmer of hope in a white Pierce-Arrow convertible... In a place...starved by hunger, parched by thirst, stripped of beauty and tortured by madness...one child was heard to whisper a word, beckoning her return... "yum yum" For untold centuries, where there were needy, hungry people, without hope, living in fear, fear of desolation, destitution, racism, sexism, ageism...Kristen Rutherford has always been there. In the corners, in the shadows, fighting evil one pastry at a time. For many years she has been dormant. We could hear the whispers in the corridors and alleyways of 9/11, "where is she?". But she had never really left. And now, in the face of exploding gas prices, falling faith, while the world watches on in horror as Americans fight to save one of our icons of real culture, she has returned.... THIS MONTH'S BIO BROUGHT TO YOU BY A. LULU can you do better?
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FEBRUARY

[Feb. 1st, 2006|07:15 pm]

The Sleeping Princess (alias Kristen Rutherford) came into being approximately one and a half years ago. One part of a fragmented AI, she was eventually recombined with the pieces of her personality and returned to the time from which she came. However, umbeknownst to the people who assisted her, during that time in our world she discovered the concept of "Candy." Having decided that "Candy" was too good a thing to pass up, before her return to her reality, she transferred herself to an unattended Commodore 64 and hid while her friends reintegrated a copy of herself into "The Melissa."

After the fireworks of that operation died down, the Sleeping Princess was able to set in motion her plans. First, she had a robotic body hand-crafted for her in an unholy alliance between Honda Motors and Real Dolls. She used her AI hacking skills to charge the body to Microsoft, and had it shipped to a factory in Arkansas where the Commodore was lying in wait. She downloaded herself into the body, and finally looked out on the world. Naturally, she was horrified and had to immediately leave Little Rock. Grabbing the Commodore, she ran out the door and never looked back.

Within hours she had taken money out of her recently filled bank accounts and was driving a red Honda Civic Hybrid to California. It felt a little strange to be using what was essentially a cousin for transportation, but he got really good gas mileage! In the glovebox sat her new ID and other documents that proved that she was born in Amman Jordan as the daughter of Rutherford B. Hayes and Queen Noor. The wind tossed her synthetic tresses as she cruised down the highway. Thoughts of how she might help humanity with her talents busily buzzed in her mind.

And then she saw it.

See's Candies.

The black and white stripes looking to her hungry heart like a bar code that spelled out

which of course made perfect sense to her. Several hundred dollars poorer, and about 10 pounds heavier, she walked out. Now she had her true purpose...to help humanity on the path to creating ever more delicious confectionry...no matter what the cost.

As she walked away from that candy shop, the lady inside looked up from counting the money she had received from the enthusiastic woman and saw her determined footsteps. For some reason the theme music from "The Terminator" started playing in her head.

This month's bio brought to you by ariock

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