The Christmas Curmudgeon: "I know what you're doing to me, boy! You move so fast like a psychopathic color TV With your Christmas bag and your jolly face And the reindeer stomping all over the place!"
Santa Claus and his busy-body elves: "Take it easy what you gotta be so absurd! You make it sound like Christmas is a 4-letter word It's a fact of life whether you like it or not So put your hands together and give it a shot!"
The Honkey Tonk Christmas Choir: "I hope that you take it to heart, boy Cause Christmas time ain't no clownin' around So if you think you got something to prove, boy Santa Claus is comin' to town!"
The Christmas Curmudgeon: "I don't care about family and shopping malls Candy canes or the carolers deckin' the halls I don't care about what you say Santa Claus You're a bad brother breakin into people's garages!"
Santa Claus and his busy-body elves: "You got it wrong cause I'm just another regular guy With superpowers and a penchant for the yule tide Is it a crime to give a little once in a while? I travel round the world tryin' to make people smile!"
The Honkey Tonk Christmas Choir: "I know that you take it to heart, boy Cause Christmas time ain't no clownin' around So if you think you got something to prove, boy Santa Claus is comin' to town!"
so i was checking out the local guitar shop one time. it's a pretty interesting place. sort of run down and grungy, but its got the vintage thing going for it. and not one of those hip to be retro things, this place is actually just old.
i walk in, acknowledging the store owner and start taking a look at the axes on the wall. around the same time, a skinny white guy with a mass of dreadlocks on top of his head comes in carrying a massive keyboard that must have come from the 60s or some time when people believed the future was full of robots and flying cars.
the store keeper gives him a reverse nod and greets him.
hey grasshopper, how's it going?
what the crap? i almost laughed.
it was then that i realized the store's main patrons were probably what our parents would call hippies. the sort of people who smoke pot and drink organic coffee. i kind of liked the place to be honest. i'll probably end up taking lessons there.
the whole neighbourhood has that vintage vibe about it. it feels almost old world but its still very north american. maybe it's just the pace. i'm not familiar with this. i don't know if it's more 70s or 80s, but it definitely feels like its a place from before i was born. the world seems simpler here, somehow. its the kind of place where old people sit on their porches just watching the city, as if to make sure it behaves and doesn't run off too far.
the way i like to see things, we're born into a reality that no one really understands. we experience it and become familiar with it, but who can really say they understand the fabric of it? the physical. the spiritual. all the things in between.
it's sort of like we hit the ground running and most of us don't even know what we're running towards (or from!?)
at the end of the day we need to figure out who to trust and who to believe.
we've all got questions and we've all been given some answers. obviously not all the answers we get are the same. some are more popular than others. some appear to be truer, even more legit than others. but in all cases, so much of what we know is not experienced first hand. what do we really know?
if i didn't believe there was a reference point, i'd be terrified of this reality we inhabit.
in a lot of ways, we're explorers and scientists. so many have gone before us, poking and prodding at the edges to see how things work. and many more will come after us, trying to figure out who we are, how we work and what this place we call our home really is. it's crazy to think of how much knowledge and experience has been accumulated by the human race. no wonder some of us get proud. we have come a long way regardless of what you believe about our past.
and even still, there's so much mystery that slips beyond our grasp.
maybe the point of all this mystery isn't to grasp, but simply to reach.
maybe it's not to discover, but to explore.
because i don't think the point is to get to the bottom of everything.
maybe we're just supposed to enjoy and experience the ride.
it's only through death that rebirth is possible. every end leads to new beginnings. perhaps this newness is a gift.
wallberg doesn't feel the same this year. i've walked through these halls so many times over the past four years. but everything just seems different now. maybe they've changed somehow. i'm pretty sure i have too.
i wake up in a bed i'm not familiar with. my naked windows afford me no shade to the morning light but i don't really mind getting up earlier. the extra time makes the day seem a little more carefree, even lazier. the walk to school is a nice routine. my elderly chinese neighbours. the sketchy guys hanging out by the school. the kids playing in the daycare sandbox. familiar and not so familiar faces. it's not home yet. but it's nice.
experiments haven't started yet. maybe it's better that way for now. the pace is a nice change from that awful and frenetic chaos that chased me through fourth year. i love being a ta and i really like my class. they're not perfectly behaved, but they show enough respect without me having to try too hard to get it. it's beautiful watching something click in their minds as they grasp for truth and understanding. the one class i'm taking this term seems to have some really heavy concepts, but i'm really impressed with the prof. he's knowledgeable while being accessible and i guess just human. at least more so than a lot of people can come off as when they have a lot of information and pride stuffed between their ears.
my house is full of young men trying to figure out who they are, where they belong and where they're going. i'm sort of the senior around here. it feels daunting at times because of the responsibility that comes with the territory. i mostly have modest goals for the group. i don't need them to get it perfect. but i hope that they can at least get the picture in their heads of what it's supposed to be like. to put someone else before yourself. to demand fairness from yourself while giving grace to others. to feel the weight of responsibility and burden. to carry it for yourself and for each other. to love when patience runs dry.
church hunting commences in october. i've had so many offers and suggestions that it could take months to try them all. i have an idea of what i want already. so maybe this process will go quickly. it's tough to leave rh after so many years. but i need this. something inside me has fallen asleep or died.
but there is always hope.
standing in the fallout we're free to dream as if nothing has ever happened before.
We shall not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time
- t.s. eliot
from what i can remember, mrs. speers first showed me this in the ninth grade. i thought it quite clever and profound, though i don't think i was capable of grasping what it meant. perhaps that's one of youth's joys. that everything still has that new car smell. nothing is familiar yet.
the truth is that we tread over footprints that have been left by others and often even footprints that have been made by younger versions of ourselves. i've said a few times before that for as much as we move forward in life, we go in circles. we go back to retrace our steps. we turn around to see where we've been. sometimes we lose our bearings in the dizzying mess. sometimes we lose ourselves.
i wonder what progress really is and means for humanity. over countless centuries we've fought against ourselves, each other and the world around us to become what we are today. if the ancients could see us today, they would think we were gods. but for all we've done and all we are, we're still plagued by the same sins that did them in.
what i'm starting to believe is that when God breathed life into us, the intention wasn't so much about the modernization and triumphs of humanity that the history books will remember...but rather the very simplest of things. love. honour. goodness. and so on. the glory of man is not his accomplishments. it is the image in which he is made. to be like the One who called us into being. i think many of us are so quick to forget what it means to be human. we live our lives in fear. so fearful of what mark we will or won't make on this world. so fearful that we will not have done enough. that our jobs will be meaningless. that we won't count.
and don't get me wrong. i do believe in progress in the ordinary sense. i have always believed that we ought to do all we can to save the world. but the reality is that so many aren't in a position to do so. are their lives less valuable than yours because you are privileged? it's been said so many times that who we are is more important than what we do. but does anyone actually believe that?
our world will always be in crisis. there has always been war and poverty and disease and some big, dark cloud looming overhead. i don't know if we will ever escape these things. one thing is for sure though. we will never escape our mortality. we are here for but a season. and then we are gone. maybe the point isn't the escape, but rather how we live in the midst of these things.
it's true that we have more influence and ability to rock the boat of humanity than ever before. and maybe that's significant. i'm definitely not saying that we don't have responsibility. because i don't believe that at all. but anything we do is undermined by who we are if we forget who we were made to be. we usually associate being human with being flawed, sinful and the rest. but what if we looked at it from intention's side? maybe to be human is to love. to do what's right. to do what's good. what if to love is more human than to sin? after all, shouldn't the intended design be higher than the fallen reality?
as we make our way through and around this world, we are constantly defining and redefining reality as we interact with it and try to understand it. sometimes we throw ideas out only to pick them up again. i think it so important that we don't let pride and reputation keep us from treading lightly enough and humbly enough not to miss out on the nuances of this journey that tell us what life really is.
(studying went very well this afternoon. i think i'm ahead of schedule...by about an hour or so. haha)
maybe this is just novelty, but i figured it was time for a fresh start on this whole blog thing. who knows, maybe the novelty of a new blog is enough to get me writing again. plus, i should have more time (for a season anyways...) now that i'm pretty much finished my undergrad. and as of wednesday, i will have emerged from the other side of the engineering cave...so very close...
alright, let's get this next chapter started: part 2
so i guess this is it...steve is going to grad school!
[Apr. 10th, 2007|06:52 pm]
wow, that was sort of quick and unexpected. looks like the "what next" has been decided. today i found out that i got an ontario graduate scholarship. funny thing is that i haven't even applied for any programs yet haha.
in other news, i forgot to mention that the new bass happened. but i'm saving its debut for a special occasion as per leo's advice. you'll see it around eventually. until then, the best i can leave you with is rumours. so go on now and spread em.
(i know the word doesnt fit very well for an undergrad thesis, but the word "theses" in the title just wouldnt work, for obvious reasons. that and my thesis couldve been long enough to qualify as a masters anyways)
thesis finished! what a crazy, crazy experience. it amazes me to think of what we're capable of doing when forced to. and to think i'm thinking of doing it again...
two more monkeys...just two more...well six if you count exams...but i'll be laughing when i get there
i hadnt been to church in two weeks. it was weird going back. and it felt like so much time had past because of the busyness.
i think im beginning to better understand what it is that God has been teaching me lately, though. some lessons aren't found on paper or even in the spoken words of the wisest person you know. sometimes theyre in the realizations that come as you sit on the floor amidst the shattered pieces. sometimes its about walking through the darkness alone, but believing that we never are. sometimes its being at the very place we dont want to be, so that our motivations are exposed to us. knowing what we ought to do or who we ought to be is of very little help if it doesn't amount to anything when our trials come for us. and they certainly are relentless, arent they?
change and its possibilities can be so terrifying (insert calvinist joke here) yet theres something to be said of the beauty God weaves within such a busted world. hints of a forgotten perfection and a promised one to come. sometimes we stop dreaming because we're afraid of the gap. its unfortunate. we come to expect less from people, including ourselves, but worst of all, from God.
the curse of vision is in knowing the gap too intimately. but the blessing is in seeing hope permeate the darkest of things.
its still early for us, but after the past two gigs, i think im really starting to see the potential in the group resurfacing (i still think the best gig we've played was hart house last year). i really like our line up. and im a little sad that we'll sort of be on hiatus for a year when el and maybe josh leave for a bit. but i think it'll be a good time to grow musically.
anyways, the end is in sight.
lets just hope that the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a subway car.
(oh, and a new bass may be very close for me. stay tuned!)
some weather out there this afternoon. first time ive ever seen lightning shoot across a sky full of snow. i took the computer near the window on the 3rd floor of WB cause i like the natural light. Within a few minutes of logging in, i notice that there is snow falling on me. strange. i look up and it looks like its coming through tiny holes in the ceiling. impossible. i look to my left to see that the window at the top is slightly open. i dont know how to close it and i dont really care to find out. its not a lot of snow. its just a really odd situation.
i haven't given a good update in a while, besides my "health card renewal/i think some creepy guy was gonna do awful things to me" post
in honour of retreat, i present you with http://purgatorio1.com/?p=128 in the end i don't think it matters, but i do think its a very interesting discussion. why can't tulips, pansies and all the other flowers for that matter just get along? i really enjoyed retreat. it was relaxing even without sleep and i thoroughly enjoyed our talks.
last night was really something else. i was very much impressed. thanks guys. wicked gift. this stretch has been pretty awful, but for at least one night, my life was pretty amazing. they put on such a good show, and they manage to do it while having such a good time. jumping off amps looks like fun, but i dont think theyd appreciate that on a sunday. the custom grills on the amps were really cool too. as was almost everything else. copeland was a little surprising. i thought they were pretty good (like mellowed out anberlin), but i think theyd probably sound better in a smaller (quieter) venue. maybe its just me, but the sound was a little off. i did really like the sound of the kick on the kit though. they had it eq'd so that you felt it in your belly rather than your chest. really quite a satisfying sound. switchfoot pulled out all the big guns last night. almost everything youd want them to play with a few nice surprises (like company car) and while still leaving some good stuff for future tours (like lonely nation and a slew from the new album). overall a really satisfying mix. it was funny to see the parents in the crowd. sort of lost and all, but good for them for bringing their kids.
future continues to twist and turn as it flies through the air. im really curious to see which side it lands on. i've given some serious thought to trying for a full time job. reason being that i might not move out even if i do grad school cause of the money. but at the same time, i want that independence so badly. i dont know what things will look like further down the road, but right now theres quite the fork in the road. my current thesis situation isnt helping the cause for grad school either. its so frustrating and sometimes it just doesnt seem like its worth it. its been a really trying situation. i know im learning so much about patience and grace. and i feel like im failing more than i ought to. sometimes i feel like this project is going to ruin me.
i cant wait til may comes around.
in other news i got my box of contacts this week. i figured id give em a try since i finally got my prescription updated last year (after wearing the same glasses for some 5 years). its nice to have the peripheral vision, but getting used to focusing on things feels a little weird still. i stink at putting them in. my sister was laughing at me cause it was such a struggle to get them in. long eyelashes and tight eyelids dont help. the first time i put them on it looked like i had been crying for at least 2 hours. on the bright side, my 15" monitor looks like its 19" now.
hmm... Due to weather conditions, all classes at the St.George campus are cancelled as of 5 p.m. today. The campus remains open.
i guess im going home. this was sort of fun. we should do this more often. and i would but lately time has been limited and i just really havent felt like it. but there you have it, an update. later!
oh, one more thing...we should've asked them to play this last night:
beneath the floorboards or more appropriately, am i one of them?
[Feb. 22nd, 2007|01:21 am]
[
Current Music
|
sufjan stevens - john wayne gacy, jr.
]
(havent been here in a while. i dont think this really counts, but whatever. im really liking the way this guy writes his songs. i dont think i have the capacity to understand most of his brilliance, but i can definitely recognize some of it. by the way, clownsare scary)
His father was a drinker And his mother cried in bed Folding John Wayne's T-shirts When the swingset hit his head The neighbors they adored him For his humor and his conversation Look underneath the house there Find the few living things Rotting fast in their sleep of the dead Twenty-seven people, even more They were boys with their cars, summer jobs Oh my God
Are you one of them?
He dressed up like a clown for them With his face paint white and red And on his best behavior In a dark room on the bed he kissed them all He'd kill ten thousand people With a sleight of his hand Running far, running fast to the dead He took of all their clothes for them He put a cloth on their lips Quiet hands, quiet kiss On the mouth
And in my best behavior I am really just like him Look beneath the floorboards For the secrets I have hid
edit: i should probably explain the contents above. so last week i went to get my health card renewed. i lined up, got my number and took a seat in the waiting area. i sat on the chair at the end of the row (lets call it chair 1) and put my bag down on the chair beside me (chair 2). i look up at the screen and see that there are about 10 people before me, so i pull out my ipod and decide to listen to john mayer's beautiful complaints about life and women. around the time i get to "i dont trust myself", this guy sits down in the chair beside my bag (chair 3).
| me | bag | guy |
now you have to understand that this is a pretty big waiting area. there are probably at least 50 to 100 chairs and about 10 people sitting down. there are at least 5 chairs and maybe a row between each person. im slightly suspicious so i take a glance in his direction. its an older guy, maybe in his 50s, wearing a sort of dirty ski jacket, toque and old school aviators. maybe he's after my bag. weird, but i'll keep an eye on it. not too long after, he reaches his arm out and puts it around chair 2. a little after that, he stretches out his feet so that theyre in the space of chair 2. really weird. i take a quick glance and hes got this blank expression (well what i can see anyways) and hes just staring at me. now im really creeped out. not so worried about the bag anymore. plus ive got quite the headache already from the lab work i was doing in the morning. geez, i really hope i dont have to fight this guy off or something. i think he stayed in that position for a good 2 songs. oh, i should mention that there is a security guard walking around. i noticed cause the creepy guy shifted his gaze to him whenever he walked by. the problem was that the security guy was at least 70 years old. not much help there.
after 7 or 8 of the longest minutes in my life, my number finally gets called and i go to get my picture.
as i leave, i take a quick glance back to the chairs.
(this was started at around 6 this morning and finished after i got back from the lab)
i couldnt sleep last night. must have had too much tea at dinner. but yesterday was nice.
ive been mostly confused about whats going on inside of me, and while the picture isnt totally clear yet, i think trying to articulate it helps me see it. im beginning to understand myself a lot better these days. ive been in quite the slump for a while. and while its been difficult, i think im beginning to understand whats going on and why. for the most part, it feels as if im starting all over again with God.
i think along the way, somewhere and somehow, i got really busy, really tired and started to assume a lot of things that werent true. its really easy to think things are going well when everyone is so eager to pat you on the back. a lot of things became almost unconscious, ritual rather than devotion. it was the sort of thinking that leads one to believe that if one only reads their bible for so many minutes a day or prays for so many minutes of the day, then one will be spiritual and things will happen. and its not that these things are bad, but theres such a danger to let religion stand in the way knowing God. one of my greatest lessons over this past while has been to know myself. to understand my motivations and to recognize that i cant always trust my self, my thoughts or feelings. its funny how easily we can betray ourselves and want things that we dont really want and vice versa. and when i can see things a little more clearly, what i really want is for things to be right in this heart.
its so easy to separate actions from feelings, from motivations, from desires. but it doesnt mean the same action is the same regardless of what is behind it. when i think about the gospels, i dont think about Jesus really trying spell out what christianity is and isnt. and i think its deliberate. the way ive been thinking about it lately, is that the religion stuff is peripheral for his followers. what he seems to care about is a change in attitudes and perspectives. he brings all the laws that govern our behaviour inside the heart. one of my bigger struggles of late has been trying to understand all the divisions over theology. im almost convinced that they dont matter. i know im really good with the understatements here, so if youre keeping count, add this one: i think we're really good at missing the point and as we charge forward into time, we get even better at it.
maybe we just get bored. or maybe we get jealous of all the other religions.
my struggle with the ideas of evangelism and ultimately with missions is that i think i'm unimpressed with most of what christianity has become in north america. a lot of times i feel like im looking at a troubling hybrid of secular culture with a righteous veneer over it.
the complexity of a relationship is that is doesnt get boiled down to formulas. i forgot who said it first, but i remember someone saying how modern christianity can look a lot like gnosticism. as if salvation is granted once you have the knowledge to pray a special prayer to "ask Jesus into your heart". and not to say that praying something like that isn't part of the process, but it feels so cheap sometimes. its like saying marriage can be reduced to reciting vows you found in some hallmark card.
this past week was sort of weird when everyone was gone at urbana. salt combined with bethel and for the first time in a while, it felt really unfamiliar. i had cut my finger open earlier, so i didnt play sports and instead just hung out in the library. got in a scrabble game, then did some reading. i think alex did a really good job leading that night. when i went into the gym from time to time, it looked like he was getting everyone involved and just letting them have a good time. i was on av since bobby was gone. i havent done av in ages. so nervous. but it was kinda nice to be upstairs for a change. i think we did pretty ok. joseph said the volume level was perfect. probably means it was a little soft haha.
(by now you might think that the title of this post is in reference to not going to urbana. and while thats somewhat true, i sort of chose it because alex showed me this game.)
it was also weird to see peoples reactions to my not going to urbana. i think a lot of them were surprised. i need more than one hand to count the number of people who said they thought someone like me wouldve gone. it feels like i need to defend myself or make excuses for not going. i think for the most part, it was that i didnt have a really great reason to go in the first place. and with all the expectation that you should go to this conference if youre any kind of christian, i just wasnt at peace with it. one thing i hope to get closer to is living with nobler motivations than guilt. and its not like i have anything against the conference. it just wasnt the right time.
so where am i going with all this? i wish i knew. i think one of my first challenges will be to have peace about, patience with and love for the north american church that is still very much struggling to figure out who it is. im also going to have to learn to accept that all the theological and political tensions can coexist within the church. that things probably will always have me uneasy. but that all the crap we get on the gospel cannot take away its beauty.
this entry is somewhat incomplete, but what can you do? nothing! so just sit tight and wait for the next one!
i would be in bed now. but alex/el, this ones for you guys.
(and i know you've seen it already, but this one's for bri haha..)
christmas dinner tonight, then a quick trip to mitchells followed by some quality time at timmie's.
i havent been to mitchell's in a while. it's funny, the things that you'll find there. disclaimer: i know a lot of these christian ppl have really good hearts and want to do the right things and all - but sometimes, its just too funny. alex was looking for a cd joyce told him about, but we couldnt find it, instead we found an artist called "christafari" ("Yet the influence of Christafari has been much greater in the Christian community, with Christians becoming more Rastafarian like, than in the Rastafarian community, which ignore Christafari"...i know its off wikipedia...but interesting nonetheless)
after sifting through some music and coming up empty handed, alex and i went looking for some literature. among the authors we were searching for were c.s. lewis and herni nouwen, but couldnt really find anything. instead we were greeted by books on christian dieting. gummi, you'll be happy to know there were no copies of mere christianity, but more than a handful of "the secret message of Jesus". we later theorized that it was maybe because all of clive staples' books had been sold out. so before we hand out criticism, we should acknowledge that its entirely possible!
my favourite moment of the night was when we got to the theology section and find a book about the wisdom of the jedi masters. i know its not fair because i haven't read the book. and im sure the authors are wonderful ppl. and yeah, i think obi-wan kenobi is pretty cool too. but it didn't mean i couldn't enjoy a good laugh.
again, i should say that it's not that i dislike mitchell's or anything. some of the godliest people i know have worked and shopped there. its not singling out the store in particular. just my observations of christian culture. i was joking with alex about how we should get phd's and write wacky, heretical books for jokes. i know its an awful joke, but the more i think about it, the more it seems like a good thing. way out there books really challenge ppl to think critically about what they believe. the sad part is that a lot of ppl do buy into the culture and years later, look up at their dreadlocks and wonder where it all fell apart as they take their christian nutrients before lightsaber training. and its not that those in themselves are necessarily bad things, its just that they shouldn't be tied to Jesus with strings and especially not with tacky streamers. sometimes things just seem so commercial, as if they spin God a certain way just to reach a different part of the market. and by reaching people, i am referring to their wallets. maybe im wrong about everything. but in any case, its very amusing.
i realize this post doesn't really talk about the duality i wanted to. but it is friday night/saturday morning and if youre gonna be up this late, you should be out rather than typing to the semi-anonymous online public.
but i thought you might want to share in my joy. i hope you enjoyed it half as much as i did :)
i find that that im more hesitant than not about my faith lately because there are a lot of things that i cant reconcile very nicely. the quote was saying that "questions we raise need to be lived rather than developed intellectually". the way i am beginning to understand this is that sometimes answers are not the answer at all. but rather in the questions themselves lie an opportunity for us to be shaped and changed and whisked off onto fantastical journeys (..well, maybe not the last one.) but really now, i think its a curious thought. that God would leave us some questions which have no answers. what that says to me is that i cant run from the so called real world in search of answers because they may not even be there. the coherence that im looking for might not even exist so i need to learn to live at peace with all the tension. and so the questions and struggles need to be brought on the road with us. because sometimes those answerless questions teach us more about ourselves, our nature, this universe and God than we could learn from any book or scholar or even a really good answer. i guess what im trying to say is that i don't think we'll ever have it figured out or have it all together. it feels like a cop out on some levels, humbling for sure, but i think its a recognition of my humanity's limitations and this universe's wonder .
i think the same goes regarding our flaws. while its definitely important to grow and mature, grace loses meaning when religion takes the place of Christ. and i know in reality we can say all the right things, but still value religion a lot more. it makes sense. i mean, religion is "easy" in that you know what you need to do and say to get points, to be esteemed and get people to pat you on the back. but its definitely hard to have any sort of peace regarding ourselves. we take a look inside and see everything we want to hide from everyone. yet somehow, "while we were sinners, Christ loved us." no one wants to show a work in progress over a finished product, but if we never reach that final stage in this lifetime, maybe we need to change our perspectives. yeah, our motives might be awful. and we still cant do anything right. maybe we dont understand anything. or know where we're going in life. maybe, in the grand scheme of things, we're pretty useless. but if we believe that ours is a God who formed and continues to form us and loves us, then maybe the focus ought not to be on ourselves. i think that the changes we hope to see in ourselves are not the goal, but instead, a byproduct of something much deeper. that change is a byproduct of love, rather than love being a byproduct of change...
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