I'm confused.

Baby shower, the Roots, studying for this test on Wednesday (slightly freaking the hell out), B-time.. think I'll take a break from the running for two days to let my muscles rest and get everything else done. I need to get my resume off to a few places as well. Ugh, I love my life but damn this semester is really trying to kill me!!

All my love.

He makes me smile. I really enjoy his company and it was so incredibly hard to leave tonight. Two points for responsibility!

... gees ;-p


.

I feel a billion times better. However, now that letter is like 9 paragraphs long so I'm going to sit on it one more day, say a prayer and then send the bitch. Yes sir, then I'm going to just do what everyone keeps telling me to do and what I really want to do anyway, enjoy the hell out this incredible boy who walked into my life.

Sunshine, bitches! Sunshine!!

And in full swing of every little detail in my nutty little head. klajfh;lkasdhjf;kajdf;kasdjhf;kjahdsfkljhladjfhakdjhfakjdhfjkadshfkljadhfkljahdsklf

I really, really just want to get drunk and say fuck it all. FUCK IT ALL. But, honestly, not really. I just can't seem to get my shit together this semester. Go me. Go f'n me.

Figures.

I wonder what time people on morning shows on the radio go to sleep?

Can I just say.. watching the new episodes of Californication via free interwebnet and creeping out to the edge of the driveway to smoke a cigarette, totally helped the homesickness I was feeling earlier.

I love you God, and goodnight. Please awake me with the morning rise and instill that sense of ambition and drive that you stir up so magically. It is you that is truly amazing.

<3

I miss Sadie.. so, so much.

I miss the little home I built with us.

.

I just realized I should probably plan on sending out invitations to my graduation very soon. How much notice do you think people need if they want to come from out of town? One month? Two? Since airfare is so expensive, I was thinking two months? Which means I need to send these out in a couple of weeks. Oh shit!!

Haha, I love my life.

Thank you God!!!

<3

hello world. i love you. good night.

tis all..

<3

xoxoxoxo

:0)

I have found a wonderful place in my life. After years of searching and seeking, I have found a little niche where I am at peace. I no longer struggle with the fear that I very well may be alcoholic and/or a drug addict. I have let that go. I trust that I am where I am and that's okay. This may change and it can go either way, says statistics. Whichever it maybe, for me, that's okay. I'm going to make it either way. I've got an angel on my side, I'm telling you.

I have absolutely no idea what January will bring. Where I will be working, IF I will be working, traveling, living somewhere else all by myself, or right here in this very same city that I call home. I trust that I am where I am, this is where I'm suppose to be and that's okay. It's more than okay. It's actually, quite perfect.

As a maticulous planner, I like having things mapped out, organized and have found a false sense of faith with visualization of said, well-prepared-plans. Without knowing, having the ability to plan this or that and with such a steep degree of uncertainty, I have battled peace of mind for the better part of this year. No longer am shackled to this seed of fear. I am where I am and this is where I'm suppose to be. I have faith in it and more importantly, I trust it. This is what I have needed. This, right here, is what I have been searching for. This simple state of mind of, pure faith, really.

I don't know... is no longer an answer, nor a plea to stop the battling voices that clammer at the idea of instability. I don't know.. is what is ahead. And that's okay, more precisely, it's perfect. The visualization is a part of me and I can't just let that go or expect to change years of living a certain way to change in the blink of an eye. The visuals are now colorful. They're everywhere. I can envision myself here, there or even further, way the fuck over there. And I'm okay with a, b, x, y or e) all of the above.

Closings of old relationships, the openings of many new relationships, old opportunities, new ones, old passions and that wonderful excitement of discovering even-better, new passions, have been overwhelming. There is not enough time in the day. There are so many places I want to be, all at once, and all I can do is try to keep my priorities straight while pursuing them all. Life is good, life is grand, life is pretty fucking awesome right now.

I just wanted to share that.

<3

I think its pretty rad that I've lost an inch off my upper thigh. Hooray legs! I've only been running the last 3 weeks and cut out the gym entirely. Mostly because of the move and disruption of my routine. I can still use the gym at my old work but I need to find a time where its not as busy. I can tell my legs are looking good but the rest is slowly loosing its tightness. Lol... that was funny. More so, I would love to practice instead. Finding a spot where I can bring music is the catch. I can practice with JJ but thats a hit or miss as our schedules conflict. Hmm..

I love my classes. I wish I had more time to put into them. I really don't like my internship and hope that I can make the most out of it. I really, really need to be sending out resumes. I have to find a job by graduation. Grrr.. oh the anxiety of it all. /sarcasm.

Strange dreams have been floating to the surface of the day that I had the night before. I've had a few about my ex, which is weird. A lot about school and other I can't really make sense of. Oh, ho hum.

Off to two tests.

<3

Mr. Crush is just amazing.. simply incredible. Though I steered cleared from the relationship talk, we kinda sorta got some talk in. I really need not be so put off by talking about how I feel about relationships and all the crap that goes with. Maybe I'm just too jaded?? Nah.. this could really go somewhere, I think, with him. Mr. Crush is B, from here on out.

Two exams tomorrow, need to get to cramming with those. I'm not too worried about them but will do the usual freak out in order to settle the anxiety. I seriously don't want this semester to end. I'm so in love with my life right now.

The running is going well. My shins have killed me the last two weeks in a row but I've been getting in my 10 miles each week. I'm almost done with a goal I set on my 101 in 1001 list, which I still need to put up on here. I still have the daily shot going but broke my sisters camera somehow after the move. I need to go ahead and order another one. Like, right now.

Anyway. I'm exhausted. From what exactly? *insert dirty grin.. hee hee!

Ah, Friday is here. At least today, I get to move at my own pace. Laundry started, about to go run. Then, slam down as much of this valuation test as possible. I finally get to see Mr. Crush tonight. I've kinda missed him, is that weird? I really missed him last night while I was jogging.

I got to Town Lake at perfect timing to run and then hit the bridge right at sunset. It was gorgeous. The sun had just hit the horizon and the sky was glowing with pinks and oranges. The reflection from of the bridge and the sky was across the calm water. It was gorgeous. I felt high. I really focused on my breathing and winced through the pain in my shins. I couldn't tell if the bridge was shaking or I was. Either way, it was a moment of grace amongst the chaos of this week.

I'm absolutely in love with my classes. Intermediate Financial Management, right now, is focusing on the calculations of bond and stock valuation. Enterprise Risk Management is sometimes boring but when we focus on the financials, and do trend analysis (my first one, yay), I really like it. Then, Investments, is probably my favorite. We have a simulation portfolio that we put together and picked out our stocks, so far, and it moves with the market. It's pretty fun. I'm turning into a total dork. I've never been so excited about learning anything before. It's about damn time.

There just is not enough time in the day to do school, work out (which is a must) and have all my readings done, get resumes out and be researching the industry as much as possible. I can only do the absolute best that I can do. That's just going to have to work. For now, at least.

I don't want school to end but I'm so excited to get out there and have a paycheck (hahaha) and to get into this industry.

I'm in love with my life.

<3

Exhaustion is becoming a second home. I've missed my bed.  So much going on.. too tired.

I like Mr. Crush, a lot.

<3

I woke up at 6am and couldn't go back to sleep at all. Run-run-run-go-go-go, this week is going to kick my ass.

Here we go.

<3

9.5 hours at the library. Go me.

<3

Nonsensical.

Well I finally made it to the library, ha. Yesterday and Friday were utter failures for studying and getting shit done. However, it was totally worth it and if I could do all over it again, I would. Hands down, that boy is incredible. Absolutely incredible! I'm starting to really like him and that makes me all sorts of confused. I'll have to sort through this one a little later. There's entirely way too much to do.

I didn't make it out to the bboy event last night. I was way too tired to deal with downtown. I stopped my sister's to visit my cat. I don't think Sadie even remembers me or by the time she does, its when I'm leaving. I miss her to pieces.. I feel homesick.

Played Phase10 and drank beer w my sis and her boyfriend. It was fun and I enjoyed. I do not, however, like being put in the middle of their fights. I asked her to not fight when I'm there because it makes me uncomfortable. She stopped. Then I get a call at 3am from her that they are fighting and she kicked him out. I get another call that I missed at 4am from a homeboy that he beat the crap out of his roommate. Wtf. Its a crazy world out there, I tell ya.

Anyway. Time to study. I have so much shit to do. I need to make the library my home, like, as of now.

*headnod

Ugh.. so tired!

Mr. Crush is going to be A LOT of fun.. my gaaaaawd I've needed some sexual attention like this. Liking him, as well, is going to be trouble. Eh, who cares, I'll take my chances.

I'll get some answers tomorrow too.

<3

God will show his mercy to those who love him and trust him.

Luke 1:50

God will not give you anything you cannot handle. God will do for you what you cannot do for yourself. God's delight is received upon surrender, not awarded upon conquest. Trust God, follow peace. Leave God to do the rest.


*Of course I paraphrased this.

Better as memory... I agree.

Thank you, I needed to fall apart for a moment.



<3

The internship is going okay. It's really a great big opportunity. I'm really going to have to put myself out there and go get whatever I want out of it. I get excited every time I get there and when I leave. That's because my actual work is incredibly boring but I don't mind it. I'm kind of good at it. I find myself listening to the people around me, whose selling what and what dividends just came in or if there is a margin call. I love it. All the personnel are very friendly. And attractive, lol.

I've started sitting down with mu supervisor and talking with him for about an hour every morning when I get in. I ask him about the current news, what I learned in class or follow up with information or more questions from our previous conversation. I love what I'm learning and I love conversing with other people who know about or can tell me more about x, y, and z.

I've waited quite awhile to find something I love to do. Right now, its asking questions.

Even though I only have three classes and this internship, my plate is full. Getting research done to understand the current events or a topic of interest I skipped upon in a conversation, looking for job to apply to for and applying, studying, the student organization.. and blah blah..

Also, it really has seemed people are coming into my life, a lot of people and its been hard pushing off the social bug inside of me. I was getting frustrated at one point but then realized I should make them some time. It could open more opportunities. Maybe not even a job opportunity but just an opportunity to gain a new perspective. *shrug

I don't know. The drive to school from my parents, the impossibility of me getting anything done at home, and the time I want to spend running, working out, or practicing.. there just isn't enough time in the day!

The words of wisdom for yesterday was to 'have faith in the inconvenience'.

Trust that my prayers and my heart in the right place and that answers will come. They will have a hard time getting to me if I'm not out and about and what not. I guess, that's how I took it at first. Plus, I should just trust that I have been BLESSED with this schedule anyway and not doubt what is in store for me up ahead.

So here I go.

<3

I'm totally distracted w sexual thoughts. I should of went to the library after class instead of coming home. The internet connection is messing up every time I get into my research. I could seriously make a pot of coffee and pull an all-nighter and have shit to do all night. It may have to happen this week.

I dunno. I'm confused. After this weekend I'm going into hermit-mode and shutting myself off from distractions.

<3

I absolutely love this weather. It was 68 degrees when I woke up. I really am upset I woke up later than I wanted but its to blame on going to be so late. I'm in need of some serious help. Hermit-mode is right around the corner. I've got to get my shit together. A month has almost gone by of this semester.

Prayers, prayers and some more prayers.

<3