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[7/18/08|3:12] |
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i've been doing a lot of thinking. expect an organized set of thoughts on my favorite entertainment topics, such as the deschanel family, the dark knight, adrian monk, and the cyrus legacy later, probably tomorow when rohini leaves. also in the formulation stage: my experiences in long-term relationships, why i can't go shopping anymore, and the decay of the marlboro scene. ^_^ i like thinking! |
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[7/13/08|2:48] |
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i don't know why i get so jealous all the time. i think it's because my brain is stuck in thinking i have the life i did in the summer of seventh grade, and when things happen that lead me to believe otherwise i get angry and upset. i've been getting very angry and upset lately and i never used to get angry and upset. i see my boyfriend who has such great friends and so much freedom, i see my friends, who like me a lot! enjoying themselves so much, and i'm just full full full of dreams and regrets and wishing i was someone else. the truth is i wish i was skinny and white and smart and that my parents trusted me and my pictures were better. i wish people called me to hang out more often, that my research project would come together without me, and my parens would let me go to marc's house for more than three hours. i wish i didn't have stretch marks on my stomach or my butt or legs, and that i didn't break out from eating nutella, and that i could go home at night and fall asleep thinking "hell, i'm happy." but i'm not, i'm jealous and worried and insecure, and i don't know how to stop. ): fuuuuuuuuuuckme. |
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[6/28/08|8:54] |
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marc went to florida and nino's been in california. i feel so lonely, i can't do anything without missing one of them. hopefully things will be better when i leave for vienna for a week. i'm really really scared, right now i want to do so well in everything and get into a really good school in california so i can see nino and make my parents proud of me, and marc has been going back and forth on his word so many times i just don't know what to believe. i'm hurt and i've been let down and i've let myself down. i don't know what to do with myself, it's like every time things start to go okay something brings me down again, i'm just always uspet about something. i'm crying all the time now, and i know things could be so much worse, my cleaning lady's husband tried to kill himself the other day because his 12 year old daughter is a child pornstar and he can't stop her, and just other situations where people feel hopeless make me feel so sad, i have too much empathy for people. my dad said that my best bet in life was to become a teacher because im not aggressive or assertive enough to do well in the corporate world, which is true. there's no point in being catty and fighting and getting what you want, because it won't make you happy. i'm sleepy i'm going to take a nap. |
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[6/24/08|1:19] |
my sweet sixteen went well :)
this summer i'm torn between working hard and trying to reach my farfetched MIT dream, and pursuing the life i'd always wanted and see it all falling in place now. |
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[6/20/08|10:20] |
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i just want that best friend who loves shopping, photography, and making music like i do. i don't think that will happen though, not soon at least. |
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stainwreck's journal