this lost world

I sent in a .. thing... for the lovely copperwise's pendant competition and I do not think I'm made for the write a poem of no more than x lines thing... Or p'raps I shouldn't've left it so last minute-y ;-) Not that that's a habit of mine or anything...

At some point I shall post it here, probly...

do you ever have someone say something that makes you think: wow I really am loved, after all?



I feel like I'm really loved and it is such a surprising feeling somehow...

So I am looking up the name Perenelle and the first 100 or so pages are all Harry Potter biased. Hmpf.

... and i stumbled on a count who died of flying pancakes. no more reference than that... whacky internet.

Okay, I don't know if I'll get any responses to this but which do you value more honour, or love?

Feel free to comment anonymously if you so wish, give reasons only if you want.

So-- I read back until the 3rd of January and then batch deleted the remaining 23585 unread conversation in my inbox along with anything else; including things I'd had in my inbox for years... saving... it's very refreshing having it cleared out...

if only clearing out all the past were that simple!


... actually i kept all the stuff from Matt.

I'm sure there are some recipes and things there that i didn't really want to delete, but right now... it's bliss.

As fresh a start as I can find

I hate when I'm all shaky and tearful and I'm not sure whether it's because of the joys of hormones, or me, or some combination of the both.

Certain people must think I'm pretty crazy after just waking out on our WoW instance run too but when you're hands are shaking and your body's going now you're going to cry nop now you're not you're just going to grr for no reason it's best to run off and close the lights for a bit.

So I'm knitting... a scarf maybe... but probly just rows of worry...

1. Grab the book closest to you.
2. Open it on page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Copy the next three sentences into your blog.
5. Tag five people. Or not... Do it if you wish.


Well the closest book to me is my university Latin text and doesn't have sentences on page 123... I'm going to go for the second closest...

Okay this one has 123 as a blank page (it's The Writings of The New Testament by Luke Timothy Johnson)

Anyhow lets run with page 125 as 122 is bilbiography:

It is to the shaping of that memory that our investigation now turns.

Anamnesis

In quite different ways, the letter and Gospels of the NT represent crystallizations of memory, the literary distillation of traditions about Jesus that were transmitted, and developed during the years after Jesus' death and resurrection. In the Gospels, the story of Jesus is obviously central and explicit, while the instruction of the church and the interpretation of its story are only implicit.

Lyrics:
Ba di da di da da da x4

I have been stripped of a layer of meaning I
Fell through the floor watched you fly through the ceiling
She's so high, higher than thought can think
A mere sprite, like one of the nubilate
So hold tight, she radiates light from her jokes
It's what men prefer, they need the centre of things
The centre of things

I watched them packing up all Sunday morning the
Day of the fourth and they fled without warning
It's so bright, the sun almost burns your eyes
A cruel fight, I feel I can sympathise
Famine, pours over boiling words
It's more than we deserve love is a beautiful curse
A beautiful curse

Ba di da di da da da x4

She says I'm stained like a girl from the bourie
I pay my respects to her hourly
I'm clumsy I'm circumspect
Never knew what it meant
Perhaps it was heaven sent
She's so high, this kitten on gasoline
Codine fueled by her medicine
She lies back, handsome she says again
You've always been my friend, Lord it's the loveliest day
The loveliest day

Ba di da di da da da x4

I have been stripped of a layer of meaning I
Fell through the floor watched you fly through the ceiling
And I'm fine, finer than porcelain
Bromide on silver geletine
Blue skies, she's carried by seraphins
Aptly named valium
Into the arms of the night
The arms of the night

Ba di da di da da da x4

After not checking an email account for 6 months there really is an NEVER ending infinite amount of stuff... and the pity of it is some of it I actually want to read, but my eyes they glaze over...

More seriously: What I learnt from disappearing for months on end:

Don't do it... you miss so much that you can never retrieve.

( Cut cause of embedded media and dialup not being friends )

So in a moment of cleverness I was kneeling up in my bed and managed to tear the bodice of one of my favourite summer dresses. Not on a hem of course. Which of course I can't afford to replace. Excellence in exhibiting grace. Maybe I can stitch some sort of detail onto it... a broad ribbon maybe...

that makes you thankful...

1. Dance 30 minutes a day

2. Go for those daily walks with Matthew

3. Talk to someone, whether it be via IM or in person everyday. And, no, talking to the same person to say "Hello" and then silence does not count.

4. Go to my Nan's for dinner. Bear with the Lecture on How One's Life Could Be Better. It really is inspired by love not disappointment.

she has fallen
from the center to the
EDGE

of what is known, or knowable,

the world didnotstopinitstracks

when it woke up to her absence
it just kept marching on and on


and on...

new golden children were born
the fruits of saplings ripened
flowers of her dawning have all gone to seed
the world keeps going
on and
on and
on

her impact

is

not the cessation of action
it's a brief pause, a smile
maybe not even noticed in the ripples of the circles of society
she is on the
edge
her flesh is shaking
she is on
edge
she breathes faster
she hovers in the background
waitingwaiting
w w a a i i t t
wait too long and the moment's gone
moments never return



SNAP

create your own moment

Envy according to the aspect of its object is contrary to charity, whence the soul derives its spiritual life... Charity rejoices in our neighbor's good, while envy grieve -- Thomas Aquinas

Envy isn't a simple desire for what the other person holds in their hands it's a burning acid that eats away at your heart. It erodes your affections and your motivations for affection.

When you're young being told you have a lot of potential is a good thing, when your teachers note it on your report cards your parents smile, but it cannot remain as potential forever. There comes a point where you look at that word and just feel a bitter winter of disappointment welling up inside yourself. Unfulfilled potential, it's the empty canvas nibbled at by moths, it's the fields gone to weed untilled, you had the potential and you didn't use it.

You could have.. but you didn't, it was your own dithering and wandering that lead you to being lost in the woods. No crossroads to pick between here, you need to get out the strength that you know, you know, has been lying fallow in you and make your own way. Whether you hack it out of the wilds in vicious swathes, or carefully ease your way through trying to be as harmless, non-impactful to your environment as possible... or whether you choose to curl up on the ground and give up is up to you.

You look at your friends and think: They have such wonderful things, and it all came so easily to them.

But you know, deep down it didn't, they just had something you didn't - Perserverance, and maybe passion.

I don't know how to create passion out of nothing, but I am sure it doesn't come from constant comparisons, either self or by those who love you, that you always come up on the downside of. Sure you have boundless potential, but you don't have boundless time.

When you look at the people in your life and allow yourself to be consumed by envy you don't want to see them, they make you see yourself in the dimmest light. You think to yourself I am 27 (17, 37....) and what do I have to show for it? You dip your toes in the pool half convinced it's full of piranhas. You are the donkey torn between two piles of hay, and in the end, all you have is your starvation to cling to. Except it's worse than that really, because you've become a parasite who leeches off of others...

So you put yourself away, and find petty kingdoms to feel powerful and clever in but you notice, as we all notice, time is passing, life is ticking away, every day you live is one less day of potential To Live you have... So close your eyes, take a deep breath, find yourself, find your passion.

Don't let the voices saying you Need to aim higher, you need to be Ambitious you can do anything lead you off of the track of what you want.

Find what you want, cling to it, fight for it, cleave away distractions. Find your passion and build a trail to it, it's the only guiding light in this dark world.

...

Do not envy others of what they have aspired to, you have your own mounts to climb, they are where they are, and you are where you are, but if you envy them, it eats away your energies and where you are becomes where you stay while they push forward.

And then you find suddenly you've alienated yourself from your friends, and how does one go back? It's built up in yourself into this impossible block. Mostly your friends just love you and want you back, but you, in your warped perceptions only see the bad in you (and there is bad, but don't forget it's in everyone, in that we are created -- different but equal) -- and you find yourself alone, which of course is when you start believing you ought to be alone. That you're a miasma on the life of others, but it's all self inflicted, it's the mortification of your heart, and it's unfair on those who care about you.

And you know that but it doesn't kill the trepidation you feel. The knowledge you've let people down and the fear you'll do it again. And of course the fear that they'll let you down when you open up yourself again. But if you don't take that risk life is just a hollowed shell that you stumble through in day to day routine, one day the same as the next (more or less)--

The worst sin - perhaps the only sin - passion can commit, is to be joyless. -- Lord Peter Wimsey (Dorothy L. Sayers)

Not just passion, but people, Peter, live a joyless life and damn yourself.

bye for lj idol... too sick

Hm.. well for those of us too busy or too underachivey there's always wrisomifu to be doing... 10 minutes of writing a day, seems deceptively doable.

For those of you doing NaNoWriMo Good luck! enjoy and all that, and alg has a rather neat offer for those who finish up.

{runs around making sure things are semi organized looking, at least on the surface and curls up on her chaise}

Hi.

There that’s a nice simple beginning, I’ve never really been all the good at breaking the ice, I’m rather shy.

( Yes, I can hear some of you laughing at the already. )

Hm, so in an effort to actually be around on here a bit more I am going to participate in The real LJ Idol thing this Season. What the hell, even if I get knocked out right away it's all good fun right?

Anyhow you can find out more abut it here: http://community.livejournal.com/therealljidol/

So, I've fnished Deathly Hallows. Many comments to follow in short order... gonna go to sleep soon though after getting up at 4 or so and going to the Borders launch thingy...