Current mood:

...have mercy

XD
ON SECOND THOUGHT...DON'T READ THIS! (Yeah right, you already garnered the attention of your LJ-hoppin' friends....)

Leave it on, love
Author: Mushroom
Rating: Hard R / NC-17 for swearing and sex. Slash.
Summary: The lights were always on.
Notes: Unlike my usual sex comedy, this is very dark. That’s why I’m so nervous about this. Ummm, if you’re a bit sensitive with…lots of porn, then don’t read this. Or something.

Lots of love to nekoism for reviewing it beforehand. *huggles*

WARNING!!!!

You might not want to read this IF:

1. The smut in Mutualism made you squeamish. The smut here is more...shocking.
2. You don't like dark fics. As in DARK fics.
3. People are around you, because THERE IS ALSO A PICTURE INCLUDED. with male nudity.

Great, I just lost my audience. *lol*



My lover stole my heart, just over there
– so gently! – and stole much more, my life as well.
And there, all promise, first his fine eyes fell
on me, and there his turnabout meant no.
He manacled me there; there let me go;
There I bemoaned my luck; with anguished eye
watched, from this very rock, his last goodbye
as he took myself from me, bound who knows where.

-Michaelangelo Buonarroti


“Turn on the light.” Caden said at once.

His mouth formed the words ‘okay’ and hands scoured the bare wall; chairs were kicked away, books and papers were thrown towards the floor, actions with a touch of frenzy emitting needless noise…and finally, the switch was found. In his excitement Adam Locke could not order his fingers to stop shaking; even flipping the switch seemed like a herculean task to accomplish.

It did not matter that it was late afternoon and the sun continued to burn the clouds while it sank into the sea…it just had to be done, it was necessary. Everything is necessary when you are hard and dripping at the edges with wetness and surging warmth. His mind told him that unless his body falls back and feels alive again, only then will he listen to his own thoughts.

Adam steadied his arm and turned on the light. Two light bulbs flickered open, and then he could see now, see what he wanted.

“There.” He grunted, dropping his palms down Caden’s waist. “Now.”

“Now…?” The other smiled, echo uncertain. His black eyes blinked back, nervous.

Adam nodded. “Let me.”

It was highly uncomfortable, to have your neck nipped in a standing position, and Caden realized it when it was too late. Adam’s tongue stretched and teased and told him words that were too banal when spoken; words are limited but sheer contact speaks volumes. The way Adam’s lips brushed against his skin made him shiver so hard that he was rocking; pushing back in response to the other’s eager hips…and yet Adam’s hands were still on his waist, stopping him from coming far too early for things to be done the way he wanted it to be.

“Your hands are shaking.” Caden observed, golden hair falling against his sweaty face.

Adam abandoned his neck for other areas, hardly even listening to his lover. When there is nothing but desire in your thoughts, you hear nothing but the sound of your own sated breathing and a rhythmical voice commanding your body to be independent. Adam was transfixed at the sounds Caden made…since his eyes were closed and the scent of sweat and desire hung high in the air, he relied on his hearing and said, “I missed you.” He breathed slowly, fumbling with the younger man’s buttons. His lips met bare flesh before he even opened his eyes, and everything was easy after that. It was easy to push down his trousers and take off his own shirt and shoes and all those stupid inconveniences that are never really needed, easy to push him back on the bed and just straddle his hips and hear him moan…and it should be loud, lest Adam thinks that he is the only one who is enjoying it so much.

The light burns his back, so Adam retaliates by pressing harder.

Caden had explained it all to him after they met; it has been two years since the two have started dating; a week of one-night-stands and they both realized why not a month of this, maybe, it’s not bad to try. Then a month turned into several months; weeks spent making love on various places (with all those shimmering lights and wine, drunken lips) and then finally realizing let’s get our own room so we could be alone together. Adam was desperately in love with Caden. He wanted to make him smile and come and scream his name, he wanted to be loved back. That was arranged, because Caden was also desperately in love with Adam; who could not resist his playfulness, his pitiful need for him? Families and friends were quite shocked but they were ignored promptly, and for once they were satisfied. Nobody could stop them now. They were alone together. They had sex with such constancy and passion that it seemed like they were drugged. Adam would become aroused even on broad daylight, whenever Caden did something undeniably appealing, and they would frantically search a place where they could hit it off. Adam would fuck him against a wall, even with their clothes on, and the risk of being seen or heard gave both a thrill that drove them over the edge.

Adam loved everything about Caden. He went drunk with his laughter, his body, his voice. So when Caden confessed that he had a ‘silly, childish fear’ he chuckled along, because this was love and loving is accepting. Caden hated the dark. So both men made love with the lights turned on; whenever Adam couldn’t sleep, they used the lampshade.

“I had this dream when I was in Kindergarten…three dogs were chasing me and I called for my mommy. Did you have dreams when you were young, Adam?”

The other was busy staring at Caden’s eyes, watching them blink with embarrassment. “Yes I do. I do.” His breath was low and uneven, filled with lust.

Caden shrugged. “To escape from the dogs I hid inside a basement. It was really dark, I couldn’t see a thing. I stayed there for a while, then decided to go out and check if they were still there. I couldn’t open the door. No wait, I couldn’t find it. I cried. I kicked everything. I screamed all the names of everyone I knew. But nobody found me. I just stayed there, in that basement.

I still have the same nightmares. And until now, when I dream, I’m still inside the basement. Just there; crying and pleading for help. I don’t really know if I’ll ever come out. I could even hear the footsteps of the people outside the door, their conversations…but they couldn’t hear my cries. So please leave the lights on, love. I think…I still think I can escape. I know you can open the door for me.”

Adam couldn’t say anything else, instead… “I love you.” And he embraced him.

“Yes, I know.” Caden murmured on his chest, ruffling his dark brown hair. “Do you think I’m being ridiculous?”

“I love you. I’ll never think of you that way.” Adam repeated, softer this time. Yes, he would never think of him as ridiculous; besides, it was difficult to organize your mind with a boy as lovely as Caden. That was what he loved most about him anyway; his childlike attitude, innocent but naughty.

The light glared at Adam’s back, making sweat beads roll down towards his hips, but it was nothing to him at all. Who cared if his back was sweating profusely when he was warming in other places? Caden finally kissed him, opening his mouth to let Adam’s tongue slide in, just allowing him to do anything because he owned his lips. Their hips started rocking back and forth, following their instincts, setting a rhythm. Caden’s legs were spread apart and he looked so vulnerable, so desirable. With such knowledge at hand Adam pushed his entire midsection towards his with such force, thus triggering a loud gasp from the other boy.

Adam broke the kiss gently and caressed the corners of Caden’s lip with his thumb. Then his body was over him, shifting and shuddering with intense pleasure. This was excitement growing between his legs, against the smooth fabric of the blonde boy’s skin. Caden arched against the body that trapped him beneath; he threw his head back and gave out an unexpected moan, biting and just begging to be fucked hard. Adam was responding in faster strokes, teeth grazing other sensitive spots…and in the warmth of orgasm he leaned back and opened his eyes. Those eyes dwelled in Caden’s face; this was his invitation. He easily opened himself to him.

“You’re so gorgeous…fucking gorgeous…I can just stay here all day and just fuck you…just fuck, goddamnit…you’re wonderful…I’m not even touching you and you just make me so damn hard…”

“Adam.” Caden whispered. His voice was feeble and broken, but Adam was still hard.

“Quiet now…just…damn, I love you, you know that? I can’t live without you, without us doing this…ohgod…I’m aching for you, just one more.”

Caden screamed and his hands grasped Adam’s hair, holding on as his body was torn into shreds. The movements grew faster, more desperate, more insistent. Open up, just a little bit more, inside you…I want inside. The whole evening was spent pushing harder; Caden’s legs were straddled upon his shoulders as he thrusted continuously, sliding in and out of him in jerky movements until he heard just the right moan to make his hair stand on end. Of course he smiled when he saw such abandon, such a passionate reaction…and so he thrusts deeper and faster, never satisfied, no not yet…that’s not what I’m expecting…a bigger, better effect.

Caden’s body convulses and his legs thrash and twist, and he wonders why he enjoys this excruciating pain.

Then Adam realized that Caden was crying, and he hated it, hated that tears just came so effortlessly. The lust finally died within him upon seeing such sadness, and he stopped, the sound of ringing in his ears. He fell back beside him, panting but incredibly pleased.

Caden curled up and placed his head on Adam’s chest while he stroked his golden locks; they were beautiful and soft…but they slid through his fingers easily. He frowned.

“I love you.” Adam whispered in strangled breaths. “IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou. You were…I can’t explain it. Just wonderful.” He found himself weeping as well, and the tears scorched his cheeks. “You know that, don’t you? That I love you. You can’t do this. You can’t leave me.”

Caden opened his eyes. “If I’m going to die…then it has to be now. While I’m still brave.”

Come daybreak reality interrupted their peace.

***

His death was uneventful. There weren’t even any last words, blaring orchestral music, or teary hospital scenes. Caden’s body panicked, Adam was called from his office, and when he arrived in the hospital he was already a dead man.

Adam imagined this before. He hated imagining such a terrible thing, but his mind did all the work for him. He hoped that while Caden was dying, he would rub his hand and whisper his name. Caden would smile sweetly, a smile that touched the heart and brought it to life, and he would reply ‘I love you’. His death would be romantic, sweet, and tear-jerking.

His death wasn’t supposed to be like this…so ordinary, so final. Adam arranged it all in his mind; he thought carefully of all the things he would say to Caden before he passed away. But now Adam’s plans were ruined.

Caden, to Adam’s dismay, was as white as chalk when he died. There was no color rich in his face. Even his fair hair vanished into a shade of unsightly yellow. Apparently when Caden died, he brought his beauty along with him. But that’s what happens to all of us. It doesn’t matter whether you were beautiful or not while you were still breathing. When we die, we all look dead.

Caden’s twin brother was already there before Adam came inside the room, seated on a chair by his bed. The doctor shook his head, said ‘I’m sorry’, and tried to look passive when it was clear that he was very upset as well. Then he left, his arms trembling.

The door closed, as quick as his death.

First off, Adam wondered why his family wasn’t present. Maybe it was because they knew he was coming to visit, and they decided not to instigate a collision course at such a sorrowful time. But his twin was there anyway, holding on to the blankets and muttering nonsensical words in his breath. For some unknown reason, Adam continued to stare at the cadaver, his eyes riveted. His mind was thinking things in reverse motion; memories of feelings, sights and scents. Just nights ago, he tied Caden’s wrist onto the bedpost, and he dwelled in the volume of his moans, shivering in fulfillment.

It was a long, hard way to gain that fulfillment. Adam was a twenty-five year old business consultant and the best in his office. He met Caden Lichtermann as he hurried to work, and like most stories, their eyes met. He learned that Caden just graduated from high school, and was looking for a university to enroll in. Adam offered to help, and the rest happened. Before they knew it, Caden ran away from home and came to live in his apartment unit, and they became a couple. Adam took charge of paying his school fees, plus the living costs, and in return Caden responded to all his kinks and fetishes.

The company he was working on knew about their relationship, but decided to keep it hush-hush because they did not want to risk losing their best employee. The Lichtermanns were outraged because Caden was yet a minor, and a brilliant one at that, but what’s done is done.

Adam shifted his concentration entirely towards Caden’s pale face. Then his eyes lowered, down to his neck (It tasted so good that night) to his stomach (that navel, a gap of sweetness) and finally to the starchy blanket that covered his lower regions. He remembered himself hoisting Caden’s legs to his shoulders, stroking on his limbs. Caden giggled and moved about, bursting with energy, and Adam excitedly lapped on his stomach as a response to his exhibition of liveliness. He imagined himself over Caden, on that hospital bed, pinning the young boy beneath him and rubbing his crotch sensually. In his mind Caden’s eyes opened quickly, eyelashes fluttering; then he closed his eyes again and gave out an erotic moan. Adam’s imagination ran wild; he envisioned himself jumping Caden, right there on that pristine bed, while Vance watched with wide eyes, unable to move. The bed springs squeaked loudly as their groans mingled with the noise, and it was the most mind-blowing experience ever. His stomach tightened with pleasure at the thought of fucking him in front of a live audience, and his twin brother at that. In his daydream Caden was moaning. He was alive.

“Excuse me sir,” a nurse tapped his shoulder. “I’m just here to remind you that we’ll be taking out the body after a few minutes. Please finish before then.”

Adam almost smacked himself. He was so devastated he even fantasized over a corpse, for chrissakes. But his erection was aching; he felt blood leave his veins to settle lower, and that made him nauseous. Vance’s back was still turned, clutch never easing.

Caden’s corpse was brought out of the room several minutes later, after they paid their respects, to prepare him for the necessary burial preparations.

Adam stared at the dirty blonde in front of him. He did not know much about Vance; all he knew was that he was Caden’s twin brother, and he was one of the usual losers. Caden talked about him often, but he never listened intently…he was too busy gaping at the young boy to care. Vance Lichtermann’s blonde hair was unlike Caden’s copious gold; it was dirty, damp, and frayed at the tips. He also wore mousy sweatshirts and possessed hideous black-painted fingernails. Caden was loved for his knowledge in the arts and music, while Vance lolled about in the streets, doing nothing and occasionally getting beaten up for it. Their differences stopped there, for they were alike in the rest. Both were skinny and flimsy-looking. Both had black, pear-shaped eyes.

Adam wondered if Vance despised the dark as well.

“Hey.” said Vance. It was actually the first time they faced each other. Adam noticed that Caden’s brother was trying hard not to cry in front of him. “…Locke.”

Adam nodded. “So you’re Vance Lichtermann.”

“Yeah. He probably told you about me. He loves talking.” Vance gulped. “I mean, he loved talking.”

It was now an agreement that both men would hate the past tense. “Yeah. Nothing much, though.”

“Good. That way you won’t run away from me.” The dirty blonde glanced back at the empty bed. “It’s useless staying here now.” He wiped his eyes. “Wanna walk outside a bit?”

His voice…it was just like Caden’s. “Right.” Adam replied.


***


They walked together in silence. For some strange reason Adam felt calm. He still couldn’t believe that Caden was dead; he wished that he would still be alive tomorrow, so that he could be by his side. This dreadful wish was brought about by the fact that Adam knew of Caden’s sickness long before. When he learned of this illness he fell into the depths of misery, but as time passed he even expected it. He anticipated the feeling of hearing Caden tell him that he loved him one last time. Adam was a lover of prose and films; those words would make him move on.

Yet Adam knew that composure was temporary. He knew that hours later, when he enters a blank apartment, his guts would shrivel and emptiness would eat at him until resolves not to live.

“So…what are you going to do now?” Vance broke the silence. Adam stopped and fished his pockets for a cigarette. He offered a piece to Vance, and was surprised when he accepted it.

“…The usual.” He shrugged. Vance extended a hand and lit Adam’s cigarette with his own lighter. “…Move on.”

“You don’t look like…you can.” The dirty blonde noted.

He felt annoyed. “Of course I can.”

Vance sighed. “You think so? We’ll find out soon. If you really can.” He kicked a pebble and walked a few steps ahead of him. “See you at the funeral.”

“Bullshit.” It was common fact that the Lichtermanns would never allow Adam to take even a tiny step inside the room where Caden’s coffin would be displayed. He corrupted their ingenious son and tarnished their family name. They probably loathed him like the plague.

Vance laughed. It was boyish and abrupt. “Yeah, they’re all bullshit, really. I mean, everything that’s been happenin’.” He grew silent. “Sure that’s okay with you?”

“I don’t want to see him…like that, anyway.” Adam let out a slow puff of smoke. “’Sides, I should give them time with their son, since I took most of him away.”

Caden’s brother rolled his eyes. “Yeah, give the guy back when he’s dead. Nice peace offering.” His voice changed all of a sudden, turning dry. “Listen, you look beat. We should really talk sometime, if it can make things lighter to bear.”

Adam agreed and watched him as he left, the smoke from his cigarette vanishing into the air. It was weird, talking to that punk. It was like talking to Caden, but Vance was unlike him in so many ways. Nevertheless, that was the same back he caressed many nights before, and it made his stomach lurch.


***


When Vance saw him next, Adam looked like a corpse himself.

“Looks like I was wrong.” Adam said throatily. Vance felt his heart wrench; his clothes were shabby and his eyes were still and vacant. “ I need him, god, I just…it’s true, what the songs say. I can’t live without him.”

“Adam.” It was the first time he uttered his name, and Adam shivered at this discovery. Caden…he was hearing Caden’s voice. “…If it’s all right with you…I want to help.”

“…”

“…I can help. You look so depressed. Maybe…maybe I can help you remember?”

Adam clutched his shoulders, shaking madly. He stared into Vance’s dark eyes…they were just like his lover’s. He realized that Vance and Caden shared the same genes, the same appearance. This was Caden, another Caden…but it didn’t matter because he just wanted him back. “I NEED HIM, Vance. Please, just…just for one night, I promise. Then we’ll forget everything. I want him, god…I just want to feel him again. Just one night. Please. I know you’re the only one who can help me.” His voice broke in every word.

“One night.” Vance repeated with an unhappy voice.

Adam nodded, feeling better already.


***


It was his first time. Vance never had sex with a man before. In fact, he never had sex in his entire life. Caden was the gorgeous one; he claimed many lovers until he settled with just one, Adam, who made him very happy. He wondered what to do if Adam kissed him, if he should just stand there with tight lips, and how to undress himself without making a fuss.

Vance always hated his body, his dull and bony figure. But with the way Adam was looking at him that moment; eyes spellbound and tongue licking his lips, Vance felt relieved. He wondered why he even agreed to Adam’s proposal; he wasn’t going to receive anything from it.

Or maybe he will.

They kissed. It was obvious that Adam had been waiting for this for a long time; in his fear that those lips would disappear again he bit and prodded and sucked his tongue with burning hunger. Vance allowed himself to be lost in the kiss; he felt his lips scar and tasted blood in his mouth, but the thought of damn, I just made someone moan made his mind flash images of his childhood…and so he eagerly accepted the kiss, opening his lips just a little bit and twining his tongue inside the other’s famished mouth.

Just when he was starting to relax, Adam groped him underneath his shirt, and he jerked away in shock.

“Caden never refused.” Adam said curtly, voice raspy with need.

“…What else…does Caden do?” Vance asked softly. His body was speaking on its own

“He just…” Adam took a few steps closer, eyes never leaving his shirt. “…remained a good boy and listened to me.”

Adam kissed him again; slowly this time, until it became hurried, and then his hands lifted Vance’s shirt. The latter groaned into Adam’s mouth as those fingers roamed and teased, pinching here and there, grasping his waist tightly. Finally Adam pushed him down the bed as he took Vance’s shirt off.

“Don’t move.” He ordered. Vance bit his lip, and that only made Adam’s arousal heighten.

He stared. Stared at Vance’s bare chest, Caden’s chest, until his eyesight grew hazy once more as fingers pulled at Vance’s lower clothes. Vance was apprehensive; his shoulders were shuddering with regret; why did I let him do that to me, why…

Adam started unzipping his trousers with such agonizing slowness it made Vance arch to his palm while he twisted and seethed. The slightly larger boy clicked his tongue and unfastened his belt, pulling down everything else and skimming his fingers lightly on Vance’s inner thighs. When his hands skimmed upwards, near the cleft, Vance let out a silent scream.

And then he was naked, lying on the bed, while Adam tossed everything aside and hovered over him, panting. His eyes couldn’t believe what they were seeing; it was the same wonderful, slim figure, the pale, smooth skin…his hands gripped Vance’s waist again, pushing him upwards. The other boy’s teeth was chattering; he was frightened, scared to death at what was coming next…he only looked tough but this was something new, something he never did before. Change was his fear.

“Relax.” said Adam, though his body itself couldn’t take any more pressure.

“How the hell should I relax?! This is…this is absurd—“ Vance was interrupted by yet another kiss, a feverish one. He was embarrassed enough with being naked already, but then Adam started tearing away his own shirt. He pushed down his pants, hovered over him again, and bit his neck.

“Aaaagggh!” Vance cried out. Adam was hurrying now, even if the night was long; he kissed and lapped at his throat, lips and tongue traveling to his shoulders, nose nudging at his chest and breath against his skin. He whimpered and struggled but his body felt surprisingly weak, as if Adam’s kisses drained all the strength he had. Why am I doing this what am I doing I can just push him off and then it’s all over. He could not even describe the hurting, the sting of the first time.

But Adam possessed the power to make people unable to resist him. It was a gift he knew very well; and he used this mostly to his advantage. His fairly good looks only added to the charm, because there was something else that made his victims want him; was it his personality, his stance? No, something else. When he kisses you, your knees would break and your throat would yell, yell for him to move deeper. You become his slave, willing to just release yourself to him; you would want him to control you, do anything you want him to do, just as long as you feel those lips again…and it would become an obsession, being his toy. Sometimes you would wonder if this is happiness, if the pleasure you feel is a step towards paradise, but the question fades because you choose to ignore it.

Of course, it was slightly different when Adam truly loved. But Vance never knew that.

Instead, Vance arched towards his every touch; when Adam kissed the corners of his waist he let out a muffled sob. He was disgusted at himself, at the way Adam was making him actually like what was happening. Just as his fingers started feeling numb from clutching Adam’s shoulder, the other placed a knee between his legs—and Vance thought, this is what he does to Caden, in this same room…did Caden feel like this? Did he hate himself because he loved what Adam was doing to him? Did he feel disgusted? Why didn’t I talk to him before…come to think of it, I don’t really know him.

Blood was pooling low; he could hear ringing in his ears and felt the beatings he received; the pain of the bruises and bleeding wounds. But this pain was different; it made him want it so much that he let out a howl of aching need. Adam smiled. “Coming now? I haven’t even started yet—“

“Just finish this, goddamnit!” Vance shouted. He clutches Adam’s hair because now he’s moving inside him, pounding and digging deeper in frantic strokes. Vance tilted his head back and let out a strangled scream, and at the sight of his exposed neck Adam kissed it with parted lips, raising them to his jaw. His legs started kicking relentlessly, so Adam held his thighs firmly, but it only made him tremble with his touch.

And Vance screamed. He screamed curses, names, countless profanities; names of people he never knew, historical figures, sometimes those yet alive, and when Adam started pounding so hard they almost toppled of the bed, he yelled Adam, ohgodAdam, fuckyesohyes...ohdon’tstop,don’tstop, and so his words are eaten up in cries of longing.

Adam contributed to the noise as well, seething and gritting his teeth as he swore.

“Caden…ohImissedthis…it’s just like you, beneath me, just like before…Caden…Caden…I want to hear you again.”

“A-Adam…Ad—” Vance choked out.

Of course, Vance had the same voice, the same softness of his tone and the subtlety in the way he screamed out his name. They were still rocking continuously, both nearing release yet never wanting it to end. There was blood everywhere; in Vance’s chewed lips, his neck, and his palms where he gripped on Adam’s hair. There was wetness and roughness against his thighs, along with the helpless hum of their groaning. Everything felt surreal; the pleasure mingled with pain was too much for Vance to take in entirely, and when he came and Adam licked him clean there were tears stinging his eyes, but he didn’t know to whom those tears were for.

Adam searched for his lips and captured it, murmuring ‘Caden, I love you’ all the while, and Vance felt like he’d been ripped off his own skin. Then he realized what he has been missing; those gloomy days spent walking in the sidewalks, smoking and forgetting, while Caden squirmed and laughed as he made love with Adam. These were the things he never experienced because he was too absorbed in his own misery. This realization was enough to make him hate himself for being so depressing before. He kissed back hard and starving, willing to risk everything as he entwined his hands around Adam’s neck. When Adam was done, they both sighed.

Suddenly, Adam looked more dead than alive again. “…Caden…” The nakedness of his voice brought Vance back to earth, and he kissed his neck.

“…Maybe…we can do this again? Tomorrow?” Adam asked, more shameless than doubtful.

Vance wanted to be used again, but he felt a pang of sadness. “…you said one night only.”

“It’s not enough. One night. Caden…one can’t experience Caden with just a single try. I can’t feel him yet…I still remember his death. Tomorrow? Then we’ll forget about it?”

Vance blinked hardly. “Tomorrow. That’s the last try.”

Both knew they were lying.

Adam looked at his alarm clock. “Just a few minutes before tomorrow. Maybe…again?”

And he stares at Vance’s body, the tips of his fingers exploring every crevice, and his eyes tear up at the sight of the figure he discovered a thousand times before. He made love to him for a second time, fists raising the other boy’s wrists over their heads, listening to his gasps that made him burst in exceeding pleasure. The clock struck twelve; they were still betrothed to the hands of thirst, but nobody notices.


***


“Damn, can’t concentrate in work today, I just wanted you so much, Caden.”

“Mmmph.” Vance replied, throwing all his clothes in the basket and sighing in pleasure as Adam breathed on his neck.

It was the fifth week. Just like the first time with Caden, it was a one-night-stand, then it turned into a series of one-night-stands, and then desire overwhelmed them both and they stopped fooling themselves. It was depressing; Vance never heard his name when Adam came, but as the days passed by he deceived himself into thinking that he was Caden, the golden-haired boy everyone liked. He even started taking care of his appearance; gone were the days of moping around and keeping himself drunk to rid all thoughts of suicide. All Vance did was stay inside Adam’s apartment, waiting for him to arrive, and when he finally did nights were noisy but oh, they were excellent. Even the simple tasks of eating and breathing were quite difficult to carry out, for all they wanted to do was to hit it off as quickly as possible. They blended their daily habits with sex and champagne; and as a result they were so disoriented that they hardly even held conversations outside of sex.

“Caden, I want to see you come…”

“C-Caden…Caden…”

“Louder, Caden…”

This time Adam pushed him down the bed as he lay on his stomach, breathing heavily. He cupped his backside, tracing flesh, then held his arms. Vance made a move to turn around and kiss him, but Adam’s grip was strong. “Let me.” said the older man in a commanding tone. Vance bit on the pillow case as Adam entered him from behind; his screams were muffled but they were still piercing. Adam pressed nearer and licked his moist back, breathing in his sweat as he worked, fingers enclosing then rubbing here and there, creating friction. His breathing became faster and needy, and when his come splashed against the sheets he finally let out a moan of bliss. They lay on the bed afterwards, a heap of spent bodies.

For Adam it was to feel Caden’s presence again, to feel him move against him, laughing and spreading himself on the cushion to be consumed and tasted with impatient lips and greedy hands.

For Vance it was to feel accepted, acknowledged…to be wanted so badly. He was never needed like this; he needed to be needed, so he could forget who he really was. Moreover, the thought of his popular twin enjoying himself immensely while he wallowed in depression gave him a perverse blaze of fury, so he took revenge by obeying fervently all of Adam’s demands, making himself the ultimate slave until he sickened even himself.

It was during those nights that both wretched men felt happiness in a twisted sense, and when they both came Adam would always whisper I love you to a certain Caden, and to Vance it felt like being trapped inside a dark place where shouting was futile and silence was suffering.


***


Vance looked at himself in the mirror. Adam was still at work, but that morning he made promises of yet another exhilarating experience in bed, making Vance laugh. But Adam was talking to Caden, and not him. But he believes that it’s him.

Caden. Vance clenched his knuckles; miscellaneous feelings of hatred made his heart beat faster. One night he asked Adam what his twin did most of the time, and he told him. Apparently when they made love they would turn up the volume of the radio to its highest intensity. Their neighbors would start complaining but they didn’t care; they followed the beat of the clash of drums and the stinging of the electric guitars, and the noise made them shout whatever they wanted to say to the world. They tried it last night; heating up the radio and talking with such filthy words that Vance wanted to vomit. When the sounds were suitably lowered Adam was panting, still inside him, and whispered Caden, Caden, it’s just like you, its really you. Vance then decided he hated the name more than the person himself.

Adam always promised that tomorrow they would stop. Unfortunately, nobody was making the first move to make true their promises. Both men threw their oaths someplace else, where they screamed and wailed to be free, and yet the two remained obstinate…too lost in their pretenses to care.

The bed was soiled and wet from last night’s escapade, but Vance removed all of his clothes anyway and lay naked on the sheets, shivering from the cold. Adam would arrive any minute now.

This was his life, now. Caden’s life.

His life before Adam was a string of miserable events. Vance was obviously the inept half of the Lichtermann twins. Caden was the beacon of hope for the family’s goals to success, while Vance was ignored even with his best attempts at bringing them what they wanted. He shut himself off the family completely, spending more time alone than with normal people, and his relatives presumed that he had mental problems. He was sent to psychologists and specialists, and they all concluded the same thing; that he was jealous of his brother. The twins were separated almost immediately, and it was tearful. Vance did not hate his brother even if he was the reason of his unhappiness; they were actually very close. What he hated was why Caden received love and recognition and he did not. Caden had Adam while he had nothing but his cigarettes. He tried blaming him but he knew it wasn’t his fault.

And yet here he was, having sex with Caden’s boyfriend and loving it.

He’s gone anyway

The tears came when the clock struck three. Since when did he start acting like a plaything? Since when did he strip himself of his clothing and offered himself to a man whose name he only knew? Doubt emerged out of nowhere, gnawing at the corners of his conscience; to think that Adam nailed both Lichtermann twins with just his charm. Did Caden really want this? Was sex really all there is to it?

Do I really want to be desired?

And he thinks, of course I do. Nobody ever liked you before; but look at your situation now…a really beautiful man is crazy for you, he practically worships you. Yeah, he smirks. Crazy for Caden. I’m not Caden.

Independence is hard to obtain when you are required to let go of something that gives you once-unattainable satisfaction. But Vance was tired of hearing the same name that was supposedly dead months ago. He was tired of Adam’s voyeurism; his addiction to a body that he felt was no longer his. It was Caden’s body, which Adam owned. Nothing felt like his anymore.

If he struggled, he knew that he would regret it. He would feel sorry for leaving such a wonderful life behind; the life of someone who was loved dearly. But if he was going to stop this pain, then he has to do it now, while he’s still brave enough to turn back.

Those words felt familiar, and it struck a fire within him.

He sets aside his boldness for a moment, for Adam had just arrived and was licking his lips in anticipation. Vance knew that he should’ve told him, should’ve willed himself to stop being his escape route, but then Adam was now kissing him so avidly that his mind told him to be happy for what he had. This happiness dropped him into a whirl of confusion, an opening with unfathomable depth; nevertheless, he let himself fall again and again.

He died many times that night, breathing life that was fatal.

I’ll stop this tomorrow. Vance vowed. Tomorrow.

A word with no meaning


***

Vance woke up several days later.


***



“What do you mean, LET’S STOP THIS?!” Adam thundered. He just had a lousy day in work because one of his colleagues fucked up in one of their important projects, and there were a lot of shouting matches held inside the office. He hurriedly went home, incensed, wanting to release his anger by fucking Vance on the dinner table. Vance’s shouts of pain were therapeutic.

The punk looked years older; it seemed as if he had given his plan some thought. “You heard me right. You made a promise, Adam. You said we’ll stop this game of charades.”

Adam laughed throatily. “You still remember that promise? That was ages ago, love. Please, let’s just push all those unnecessary thoughts aside. My body needs you now, dearly. Just had a shitty day…”

“If you had a shitty day, then comfort yourself.” Vance said coldly. “This has got to stop.”

Adam felt his anger rise. “Ha, so NOW you’re talking back? In case you’ve forgotten, this is my place—“

“—I know. That’s why I’m leaving now.” His arms were folded. Vance picked up his backpack and made for the door when Adam grasped his arm firmly.

“Let me go.” Vance whispered hoarsely. “Your promise, Adam. Please—“

“You and your fucking promises are so amusing.” said Adam in what seemed like an ominous voice. “What the hell is your problem? Wait, is your body still hurting? I’ll slap some lube on and your problems are over, kid. Just—let—me…”

Vance struggled to set his arm free, but Adam was stubborn. They wrestled and tugged at each other. Adam chuckled quietly and looked up, expecting to see an angry glare from the other boy. His smile faded.

The boy was crying. Tears rolled down his face, like furious drops that pleaded to him.

Adam’s breath hitched, then… “…Caden never refused.”

“I-I’M NOT CADEN!!!” This time he was sobbing loudly now. “CAN’T YOU SEE?! I CAN NEVER BE HIM! I’M NOT LIKE HIM! WE’RE JUST FOOLING OURSELVES, THAT’S WHAT! I’M TIRED OF BEING CADEN! I DON’T WANT TO BE HIM ANYMORE, IF IT’S JUST FOR YOUR SAKE!”

Vance…was still a child, perhaps. “Calm down,” Adam said in a soothing voice, caressing the other’s cheek, but he pulled away, desperate to escape. “Calm down, love…you’re hysterical…why don’t you rest for a bit—“

Tears. “NO! I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE ANYMORE! I…WANT…I WANT TO BE VANCE! What we’re doing is stupid…what about CADEN?” Vance spit out. “What would he think? What would he FEEL? He LOVED you, Adam—“

“FUCK CADEN!” Adam shouted, hammering his fist on the table. “Is he your problem?! I DON’T CARE ABOUT HIM ANYMORE, I WANT YOU NOW, HE’S DEAD GODDAMNIT, HE’S MOTHERFUCKING DEAD!”

He heard ringing in his ears. The ringing grew louder, more intense, like he was being swallowed by the mysterious buzzing noise. Adam tried to shake it off, beat it to a pulp, but it clung on his ear like a conscience.

Then a resolute voice.

“Don’t go fucking around with me, Locke.” Vance said icily, tear stains on his cheeks. “Don’t you ever.” With that last statement he moved towards the door in brisk steps, blood chilling at what he last heard from Adam’s mouth.

A hand grasped his already sore arm once more, and he jerked around madly. “Damn you Adam Locke, leave me ALONE—“ His words were interrupted by a swift kiss, a rough and thirsty one. Vance managed to pull away from the kiss but now Adam had his arms around his waist, and was moving him forcefully, away from the door.

“Let me go, you bastard, you damn—mmpph!” His lips were sealed again. He closed his eyes and struggled weakly, but knew it was useless as he felt his face slam on the wall.

“But that’s what I’m good at, blonde…fucking around.” Adam whispered in his ear. “Let me show you what you’re gonna miss when you leave this joint.”

Vance’s eyes widened and he bit Adam’s shoulder to make him move away, but he gave out a cry that seemed like pleasure. Fear overwhelmed Vance and he screamed loudly, resisting with all his might, and through the scuffle Adam had no choice but to slam his head on the wall. Vance let out a cry as his head dropped on Adam’s shoulder. There were circles and other indefinite shapes swarming in his eyes in black and white. He felt sick and lightheaded.

Run, Vance…move…just open your eyes and move…

He distantly felt his clothes being torn off, and all at once a blast of cold air swept through his naked body. He shuddered but he couldn’t even lift his eyes; the throbbing in his head was insufferable.

“You need me, punk.” Adam said roughly. “You were practically begging on your knees, pleading for it when we had sex in the car. I know you do.”

“That’s the question; who needs the other one the most.” Vance spat back, but his words came out soft and gurgled. “You’re the one who needs something, Locke. You need to get a life—“

“Yes, YOUR life.”

And then he felt it, felt a strong body move against him. It was fast-paced and utter cruelty, the way Adam was pounding him against a wall, muttering indelible curses and heaving his breath in a revolting craze. The aching of his head was unbearable, and now this…Vance was crying now, howling loudly while Adam vented all his frustrations towards him with a maddening grin across his face, which widened at the corners whenever Vance gave out a loud cry.

“Adam…Adam…” this was not a cry of pain mixed with fervor now. It truly wanted him to stop. His hips were bucking violently as he felt himself fall apart.

“I’m going to make you feel this forever, Vance Lichtermann,” Adam breathed heavily, grinding even harder between his legs. The cries would’ve made him stop, if he was still the Adam he was before, but patience was taking its toll. “I’m going to fuck you so hard you wouldn’t be able to walk, talk, or even sleep…in your dreams I’ll still be fucking you against this wall, and your shouts will be useless, because I’ll still be rolling your hips and entering you, if you scream I’ll fuck you even faster, enter you hard, and I will never be gentle even if you start bleeding…”

At the last word Adam stopped suddenly. Vance crumpled on the floor, crying wildly. It lasted for an hour or more, Adam standing there with clenched fists while the boy tainted his face with grimy tears.

Then he looked up.

The dark-haired man looked like himself again, tired and lonely and missing someone. His back was turned now, and in his hand was a lit cigarette.

“Go.” He said quietly.

The dirty blonde whimpered, legs shaking pitifully.

“…like he said…if I’m going to let you go, then I must do it now. While I’m still brave. Just fucking LEAVE.”

Vance nodded mutely, dressed himself, gathered his things, and made a mad dash towards the door. The smell of sex and smoke lingered in the room, and the blood from the wound on Vance’s head was marked on the wall, mocking what happened.


***


It was a clear Sunday morning and the breeze was crisp and cool when Vance headed out in his bicycle. He sniffed the air as he sailed by houses and shops, spotted his old school (“School…” he murmured to himself, as if planning something) and finally skidded to a stop when he spotted a store that offered to give tattoos without ‘much pain to the customers’.

He was about to enter when a fat man with green hair stepped out of the shop. The fat man glowered at Vance, muttered “gettoutamyway”, and pushed him off the curb. Vance balanced himself and watched as the gruff man sauntered past him towards one of the alleyways. Shrugging, he entered the tattoo shop.

“Yo, punk.” said the sleazy artist. “Kids aren’t allowed here.”

“I want a tattoo.” Vance declared. The artist beckoned him to check out some designs and he started flipping the pages. One of the customers glanced at him and snorted. “What a loser. Thinkya can handle it, pretty boy?”

Vance smirked at him. After what happened to me… "Yes, I can.”

The customer rolled his eyes and yowled as one of the artists traced the needle on his skin. Vance went back to searching for a cool design and spotted a Chinese character. He pointed at the word. “I want this on my arm.”

The sleazy artist made an affirming nose from his throat, and Vance rolled up his sleeves to reveal scars.

“Ugh, nasty.”

Vance closed his eyes as the artist did his work.

He was a nobody again.

But he was Vance.


***


Adam Locke dumped his suitcase on the couch and rubbed his temples. Work was hard; other damn companies were popping up and they needed new gimmicks for their institution to break the competition.

The apartment was chillingly dark and silent. Adam fished for a cigarette, cursed when he found his packet empty, and curled up on the bed, ready for a night’s rest.

Fucking bleeding ‘tween the legs

I miss home you stole agaggggh I’m dripping for you damnit

Why are you leaving me in this place in the sputter of the Uuuuggggh louder—blood I want to hear you moan just another time, can’t you hear what I’m saying I want to hear someone else

s l o w l y , s o f t l y theremustbesomethingIhavedonecozIcan’tsee, can’tseethroughthedark

poundingatthedoorwhy won’t anyone hear me

hear me

alone

hear me

rrriiiiiiingg….rrriiiiiiiinggg…

hear me

my mind

Caden

Vance

hear me

Adam’s eyes shot open.

He stood up, tripped at the edge of the rug, and slammed his palms frantically on the wall while he desperately searched for something. He was inhaling loudly now, finding it hard to breathe, breathe because his mind was stunned by the darkness, thoughts of the past…

In his relief, he found the switch. He flipped it open, and the room was bathed in comforting light.

When sleep approached him, the ringing stopped.



***

END

***


Lichtermann – “The lamplighter”