Sometimes, whether we realize it or not, everything works out for the betterment of our self.
We can't always see the grand composition that is being manifested by God almighty up above, but we can take comfort in the fact that God is always in control.

So, I'm moving on. I normally write a few sentences of my discontentment or feelings of being rejected once again. But this time, its not going to happen.

I've signed onto this walk of life knowing full well that if I want to achieve great things, then its going to require not only discipline, dedication, and hard work, it will also require being vulnerable and showing the world who I am and what I have to offer. Not everyone I audition for, interview for, or even perform in front of, will be a fan.  I don't have that power, nor would I want it, but it is my job to live each moment with a tremendous amount of love, passion, creativity, and compassion for everyone that I do touch. Whether it be through my spoken words, written words, or through the example of just living life.

So, I'm moving on.....

I think I've met some of the best and most thoughtful in the church choirs.
There are always people who say nice things, offer a hug, support you when you go to far away lands, and most importantly, they truly like you for you.

Since October, I've had the honor of working at First Presbyterian of San Diego. The music director is so laid back and has never yelled at me for missing rehearsals when I needed to, nor has he tried to make me bow down and worship his feet like music ministers in the past.   The people that I sit next to in the soprano section are fun, easy to talk with, and they always laugh at my sarcastic remarks. Who could ask for anything more?

Tonight I sang the Faure Requiem, and with a small orchestra comprised of San Diego Symphony members, nothing could have been better. If I traveled around and sang oratorios, I wouldn't mind. I think the everyday person can relate to the text more than they would if they sat through an opera. Just my own personal observation over the past few years.

The choir at the Baptist church surprised me and took up an offering for my trip. I was touched and I bid them farewell and words of gratitude. I am truly grateful for all of these people. They have been like family to me and I don't know what I would be without their presence in my life.

This is ridiculous...I'm going to Germany in a week and I'm stressed out about learning a role for an opera and yet I'm paying thousands of dollars to do this?

Unless someone has a magic potion that will miraculously give me a photographic memory for the next month, I'm doomed.

I do have a tendency to overreact and make things worse than they really are, or could possibly turn out to be. But, something tells me that there will not be any mercy granted if I don't have all of these notes and text down cold.

Well, I'm going to hope for the best and do as much work as I can mentally do without turning into a lunatic.


Oh another note, Friday turned out to be a great day. Not only did I witness my little brother's 8th grade graduation, but I also sang at a celebration for a couple that are moving to Washington, and then later that evening my faithful students showed up for their music recital. All 4 of them with their parents. I've given up getting stressed about student recitals. There is nothing that I can to stress the importance and value that comes from participating in such an event.
It looks like all of them will be returning in mid-August when I start by up again, so my bank account will be quite thankful.

I'm in the process of obtaining an additional teaching job working for a small theatre arts company teaching voice to kids. Round 2 is on Tuesday and if they like me, I'll also have a nice teaching position when I return back to San Diego in August.

I've been really blessed and touched lately by the kindness of strangers. Its hard for me to ask for help or express my needs to people that I don't know very well, but as of late, by taking the risk, God has shown me that He can love me through people. Acts of kindness go a long way in my book...

I just ordered some 8x10 headshot copies online, and I must say that the ease and convenience is quite a joy!
Instead of traipsing around town, wasting precious gasoline, I can easily sit on my living room floor and take care of small errands.


I must admit, I'm getting excited and fearful concerning my upcoming out of country trip. Fearful because I will be surrounded by intense opera singers who are after the same thing that I am after. I did well before and I've experienced this sort of thing, but having to sell myself and be bold and confident requires taking a risk. Am I ready for this? I know that when I did the AIMS program 3 years ago, I just sort of watched the people sign up on the master class board and then I would attend the master class and just take it all in. I can't do that this time around...I have to be one of the people who signs up first and then goes through with singing in front of all of those people. Its intimidating to say the least, but with all that I've had to do to raise the money to go, I cannot choose the path of least resistance. I've always known that when I feel uncomfortable, that's when I'm growing the most. So, for the next 6 weeks, I will be growing a lot.

I'm happy to say, that I have enough money to go. By the grace of God, at last night's choir rehearsal, the president of the choir made an announcement about my trip and started to send around little offering plates. Wow!!!!! One man slipped me a 100.00 dollar bill when I was leaving. I'm overwhelmed by their kindness and support. At least the stress of finances won't be leaving me restless at night.

What will be leaving me restless, is learning this entire role by next Saturday. I've been so tempted to watch tv and hmmm...be online. I wish I had a photographic memory like my friend Candace. She is learning a lot of music for her opera scene and already, she knows the entire thing! ARRGGGG!!!!

So if any of my theater friends out there have any advice as to how I can memorize all of these words in a week, please send your memorization tips my way.

Yes, the title it not quite mesmerizing but those are the two topics of my day.

Hope....let me just say that in order to have come this far in life, I have had to have a lot of hope. Hope for a future, hope that there will be enough money, hope that the house I live in will not fall down, hope that the trees in the backyard also will not fall down and etc. etc.

Right now, I am realizing that learning an entire role for an opera is overwhelming. Not because it can't be done, but because there is not just the pretty arias to memorize. In the case of Mozart, he has so many recitatives, he should have just inserted spoken dialogue. In 2 weeks, I'm supposed to have Fiordiligi memorized. Its an huge task, and I'm HOPING that my brain cells will collect all the data and store it away for good measure.

Watching tv.....I can't keep up with all of the reality shows. Some are better than others. In fact, the ones that I thought I would hate, I actually like.   The LIST I like are :

Living Lohan
Jon and Kate plus 8
Big World Little People or is it Little People Big World?
Top Chef

As of today, I cannot watch any more tv until I return to the US in August. It seems ridiculous, but I have to learn this role and the only way that is going to happen is if I devote 80% of my time immersed in it.

Then there is the internet....again I enjoy Facebook too much and with that I will also have to limit my time to just 30 minutes in total for the entire day.

Ah, its nice to have a place to write my thoughts again...
Oh, and I'm also hopeful that the mail will  be fortuitous as well.

Um... yeah, so I haven't posted in a long time.  I wish I would, it makes my life less stressful when I update my journal.

So, in brief summary....last semester was a lot of work, full of singers drama, but I survived and I'm grateful to be done with it. The 3 one acts were a great success and I was happy finally to be able to perform in a comedy. Comedy has its own challenges, but once you get in the groove of the timing of it, its a lot of fun. I'm sorry to say that I won't be in Die Fledermaus which is the fall production. This is what happens when the other main soprano also wants the same part and you're told " well, you had the leading role last year, now its Esther's turn." Okay, so when did we start to do things according to law of order? Well, something inside of me thinks, that I will end up doing the role of Rosalinda, just because the other soprano is flaky and is already talking about going abroad in September to be in a competition for 10 days.

So, I'm going to Germany in 2 weeks. I'm excited, nervous, but most of all I'm wondering how will my small amount of money fare as it travels across the Atlantic. Thanks to our government and the state of the economy, the dollar is weak. In fact, 3 years ago it was right up there with the Euro holding strong, now the Europeans are laughing at us stupid Americans for having to spend twice as much for simple things like airfare, train tickets, and souvenirs.

In other news.....the new Plaza Bonita Mall is huge! Its very nice and modern, but I'm concerned that the locals will start trashing it and it will return to its former state. Oh, and National City sales tax is 8.85% yikes, that doesn't seem like a big difference, but when you add up the little extra pennies, it certainly does.

What's up with all of the fast food chains carrying their version of iced coffee and fruit smoothies? Don't they realize that the real addicts know the difference between a prepared mix and a ready to made version?

The internet has its own addictions and lately for me, its been word games on Facebook. Oh, and Facebook is another addiction that has cost me many sleepless nights because its oh so important for me to see everyone's added photos and their current status.

Recyling bottles and cans is starting to look like a good part time job.

Oh, and the harshest event took place a few weeks ago when one of my senior high students had her own senior piano recital. I scheduled it, got the church hall for free, printed up the programs, and helped the kid  for the past 6 years. Afterwards at the reception as I was leaving, A. turns around to her mother and says, "oh Mom didn't you say that today was going to be it for lessons? Yeah, my mom says that today was it, I'm done."   A. gives me a feeble hug and then turns and closes the door in my face. Ummm.....wow that was really rude. A phone call, an email, or since I was there in person, a simple conversation might have been easier. 


My opinion: the best iced coffee is from Dunkin Donuts. Too bad they don't have a chain here in San Diego.

Why be so modest when the whole world is singing your praises? Okay, maybe not the whole world -- but a significant enough group of people for you to feel like it's the world that's responding. This is a wonderful time for you, when people are finally paying attention to all the good stuff you're doing and recognizing what a good person you are. So accept their applause and take another bow -- you deserve it. Things are going to start happening now. Get ready to make some tough decisions and be busy!



Oh, I've been wanting a puppy for a very long time. I recently heard word that there are 2 Chocolate Lab puppies that are brother and sister, at a local pet store. How cute would it be to have two dogs! But, I'm not like many stupid people who think that puppies stay little forever. I have a nice big backyard, plus I might be home this summer instead of traveling across the world, so a lot is going to depend on if I'm going to Germany or not.
If I find out I'm not going, then I will definitely consider purchasing a dog!

Mark your calendars now!

SDSU Opera Theater Spring 2008 Production

Three One-Act American Operas

SDSU Opera Theater’s Spring 2008 production features three one-act American operas: A HAND OF BRIDGE by Samuel Barber, THE FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR by Henry Mollicone, and the world premiere of Thomas Pasatieri’s LA DIVINA.

SDSU Opera Theater’s production features 11 young singers at various points in their training – undergrad, graduate, and artist diploma candidates, as well as Open University – and is supported offstage by student designers & crew as well!

Performances are Friday and Saturday, April 25th & 26th at 7pm, and Sunday, April 27th at 2pm in J. Dayton Smith Recital Hall in SDSU’s School of Music & Dance.

Tickets are $15 general admission and $10 for students, seniors, & children. SDSU Music/Dance/Theatre Majors + Faculty/staff are $8, and Group sales are available. Advance tickets are available thru the School of Music & Dance Box Office by calling (619) 594-1696. VISA/MC accepted.

For further information, contact Kellie Evans-O’Connor, Director/SDSU Opera Theater at (619) 594-2878, or Rhoda Nevins at (619) 594-6060. Parking information is available on our website at http://music.sdsu.edu/

A HAND OF BRIDGE features Caitlin Rossi, soprano Deidre Melanese, mezzo Bryan Balderman, tenor Joshua Cavanaugh, baritone

THE FACE ON THE BARROOM FLOOR features Monet Payne, soprano Shane Doohan, tenor Matthew Roehl, baritone

LA DIVINA features Esther Lozano, soprano Renee Calvo, soprano James Schindler, bass-baritone Matt Kirk, tenor

Role covers - Maribel Ruiz-Velasco, Emily Simmons

Lighting Design - Shawna Cadence Stage Manager - Natashja Kelly Assistant Stage Manager - Jill Reis Costume Corrdinator - Molly Wilmot Make-up & Hair - Daniel Hirsch Production Ass’t - Fernando Fernandez Scenic Assistant - Miwako Nakagawa

Musical Director / Michiko Lohorn Production & Stage Director / Kellie Evans-O’Connor 

I preface this entry, by saying that this really isn’t for anyone other than myself or those who truly care about me.

If you need info. for lessons, resume info., referrals, then please email me at the contact me page.

There are no tidbits about buying groceries, vacations, hair care products or the like.

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At this time, I just need a place to write my thoughts…. < In between here and my heart, lies a darkness that goes unnoticed. I feel it often, but I try to forget its there. I take risks and act upon my instincts, yet I have been wrong more often than I would care to admit. I gave something away over and over again, and yet here I am, looking upon a lit up screen. Why must my heart be trampled upon without even a slight bit of remorse? Why does my friendship mean so little? Am I not also worthy of terms of endearment, shared secrets, planned vacations, phone calls, or planned meetings? When will all the puzzle pieces of my heart start to make sense and formulate a clear and beautiful picture? Unbeknownst to all, I am beautiful, I am passionate, I am loyal and trustworthy, noble, and wise. I do feel, I do care, I do have the capacity to love deeply.

May I just say that today, I was deeply touched by the kindness of my voice teacher. Not only did she make her presence known today, but she also showered me with flowers and affection. It wasn’t even a big performance, yet there she was, loyal and true. I couldn’t ask for a better teacher than what I have found in this woman. She has given me hope not only as a musician, but as a human being. I’ve been angry and jaded for most of my life. I see why this is the case and I know why I have my flaws and when they began. Yet, there she was today, smiling at me without a complaint as to the cold weather. I can’t help but shed tears over this amazing woman who has given me so much more than voice lessons. Thank God that there is someone who believes in me and sticks by me despite my emotional roller coasters.

This week I was debating whether I should make a commitment to someone. Today was the day, and I was dealing with making a decision as to whether I should attend an evening event. I kept going back and forth over whether I should go or just stay at home. Why support someone who can’t even take the time to respond to me? I always give people the benefit of the doubt and come up with excuses for their behavior. Maybe they are busy, maybe they don’t remember that I’m alive….The truth is, you don’t give a shit about anyone that isn’t able to promote you and your career. The truth is, I’m a complete and total idiot for thinking that you give a rat’s ass about me as a person. I’m like a dog, always loyal even when I’m being kicked around. I drove 100 miles tonight thinking that I would be supportive, instead I never made my destination and turned right back around. I wasted time, gas, and most importantly, I wasted a sacred place in my heart.

Why am I crying over a person who doesn’t even take the time to respond to me? Why do I bother with a person who told me many years ago that they aren’t even capable of being a friend? Why, because I care about people more than I should. I care about people when they are hurting, in despair, grieving, alone. I don’t want to see anyone suffer needlessly. I want to be the friend to others that I have always dreamed of for myself. I held onto those cliches about if you want a friend, be a friend. I believed that God had someone special for me, I just hadn’t met him yet. I truly believed that God was continually molding me into the woman that would be upstanding, attractive, bold, and an example to others. Now, I don’t think any of this is true at all. I’ve run circles around the same track, and gone absolutely nowhere. Yes, I’ll have a master’s degree at the end of this year. But, emotionally where will I be? The roller coaster is getting old….Watching and waiting…..Do I make a bold move and seek out my destiny? Do I lay everything out on the line and take my chances

I spent most of my Sunday with Laura R. since she was in town from San Jose. Poor thing is having a hard time with her divorce. As I sat with her in Souplantation, I saw the hurt and anger pour forth as see explained to me the details of all that had transpired.
Its been a while since I've spent almost an entire day with someone other than a family member, but it just goes to show you that there still are people in the world who are capable of being a good friend.
She had rented a black convertible so I suggested that we drive over to Coronado and ride along the Silver Strand. Even though I've lived here most of my life, I was reminded about how of San Diego I don't frequent on a regular basis. She had a lot of fun driving and it was good to see her smile and laugh. Divorce proceedings are not a stress free ordeal and it was a good day for her to relax and enjoy her 3 day weekend.
We headed back over to the Trader Joe's in Point Loma for some groceries for her kitchenette.  By the time I picked up my car, dropped off her groceries, and headed back downtown for the concert at First Pres., it was already 6:00 p.m. My gosh, the time flew by!
The concert was fabulous with Jessie Chang and Friends playing chamber music by Brahms, Bach, Schumann, and Muszcyski. I was able to sit up in the balcony and have a nice experience of being an observer rather than a performer. It was a great way to spend an evening and after that we drove over to Seaport Village and had coffee at the one and only bookstore. I was surprised that the place wasn't filled with people. We actually were able to find a table upstairs and sit in peace and enjoy our coffee.
I must admit, I was exhausted by the time I got home, but it was a rare occasion to spend quality time with a good friend.

I'm back home after spending 3 weeks in my voice teacher's home caring for her animals. I actually had withdrawals from the dogs and walking them at night. Its amazing how the care of animals gives you a reason to wake up in the morning or rush home afte a long rehearsal. The past two days have been all about me and my schedule and its been quite an adjustment to just worry about myself and my own needs. I see now why people have kids and animals, there is a euphoric feeling about being needed and having a purpose each day. Your impact in any living thing is important for its survival and hence, you are very much needed to sustain the existence of a living entity.

As I sit atop my bed, I feel no motivation to do anything. I have opera rehearsal tonight, but that is my only obligation for the day. School starts on the 23rd and I know that my schedule will be hectic and stressful, so why not relax, enjoy my home and give myself a break? There is plenty to organize and clean and it must be done before the time runs out.

I'm on the end of my dogsitting job and of course up until this point, there were relatively only a few minor problems. In the past 2 days, the bank behind the back yard of my voice teacher's home started to come down, then the side gate wouldn't shut, then I burned a bag of popcorn, and now the dogs have come into the house full of rain and mud. Ah, I'm ready for Mary and her husband to return so that I can go back home.
This is a great house, the dogs are great, the quiet and quaintness is superb, but its hard to really relax when you have to keep everything maintained in a certain manner.
I spent the past 20 minutes researching how I might get the burnt popcorn smell out of the microwave and sure enough, there were a few solutions to choose from. Thank-you internet users for sharing your information!
As far as the dogs are concerned, a bath is necessary as soon as the weather clears up. I haven't decided which bathroom to use to complete this task, but I know that I'll have to prepare in advance with towels, brushes, and doggie treats!
My break is almost gone and I'm not sure if I actually took a break or not. It seems like I had much to occupy myself with although it seemed like it was for other people and not for myself. I've been drinking a lot of coffee lately due to the incessant feeling that I'm never quite awake. In fact, I've drunk so much coffee that it is having the opposite effect on me and causing me to feel sleepy. Imagine that!
Opera chorus is a pain in the ass! Its such political bullshit and what I can't stand are the females who think they have to have miniature performances every time we take a 10 minute break. Do you really achieve anything by being like that? I have my few comrades that I speak with and know that they are sincere and true, but I have said it before and I'll say it again " this is really my last chorus stint".  With all of the AGMA dues and the rules and regulations, singing isn't so much fun with those people. The money has been nice every week, but even money isn't enough to buy sanity.

To be a human being and live as one, requires a lot of money. I'm not talking about designer labels, but just the basic food, clothing, shelter, and transportation expenses. For instance today, I spent 1,000 to have the structs and shock mounts replaced on my car. I suppose I could have gone without all of that and had a car that functioned improperly, but watching my parents let things go as a child was a lesson for a lifetime.

The price of being true to yourself also is another type of cost. I pride myself in finally being able to say that I like myself just the way I am. There are moments when I wonder if there might be an easier way, but all in all, I like the way I live my life. I've been a bit grumbly towards a few people lately due to the fact that I hate superficiality. These certain people always seem to be around when I have to patience or tolerance to deal with them.

Then, I think about my grandpa's house and the anger and tears start to well up. Many of the maintenance problems could have been solved years ago if they would have been taken care of when they first starting showing problems. But of course, the way of my mother is to just let it go. I hate that about her. All of these years I thought perhaps she would wise up and see that living in that manner only brings about more grief. Maybe its the new year that has me in a bit of funk or just the fact that I've not had a chance to just "vacate" during my winter break.

I've been housesitting and dogsitting for my voice teacher for the past 12 days. I love her home, the dogs, and La Jolla where she resides. But being surrounded by such luxury has only made me sad. Every time I look at something, I think "that must have cost a lot of money." I don't know why I think in those terms, but for some reason I do. My teacher and husband are not the typical rich folk who talk about all of their money and expensive things, in fact they are hard working and are quite generous. Again, it must be the beginning of a new year and all of the expectation that has me in this mood.

The show is going great. We opened tonight and it felt good to perform before a packed house.  The saddest part of all is after the show, when you've driven home, and realized: I feel like crying. Crying because in order to give your best, you have to use everything. This means that at this moment, I have nothing left for me. I know this will change when I wake up Monday morning and I'll still be feeling the effects of the entire weekend. 
I'm living my dream at this very moment, yet why does it feel so empty?

If you're in town, come and see Street Scene at SDSU-Saturday 7 p.m. and Sunday 2 p.m.

Tickets are 15 general admission, 10 for students, seniors