I was reading over old LJ entries last night. I didn't go all the way back, but back to before Monique died. I really talk a lot about the same things, over and over again. Should try and expand my horizons.

One of the things I mention every so often is yoga. I remember back when I first started online journaling - back in the Diaryland days, remember that site? - I was just starting to do hatha yoga and I posted about it a bit. It felt good but I also spent a lot of time struggling, hating the way I looked, feeling really frustrated. Looking back at all those posts, and thinking back to how I felt about yoga...I'm amazed that first of all, I stuck with it, and secondly, how far I've come.

I'm still no great yogi. I'm not one of those bendy people who can do everything and turn themselves inside out and make it look so easy and natural. But I have progressed a great deal in what I can do, and more importantly, my attitude about what I can and cannot do has changed. I'm now doing ashtanga yoga regularly, which is a more vigorous form that requires more strength (a lot of downward dog. A lot). I tried it a few years ago and wasn't ready for it, so went back to hatha. But after a year of working out in the gym, I decided last fall to try it again, and I love it. I also still do hatha once in a while, because there's a time when I still want the slower, stretchier work, but ashtanga will be my main practice for a while.

But the attitude change has been interesting, and gradual, and I was thinking about it today in my favourite ashtanga class. I no longer get so hung up, frustrated, practically in tears about not being able to do a particular pose, about having to take the easier variation. Now, part of that is that I can do more than I used to do, so there has been improvement. But even then, I am still significantly challenged on some things. Balance poses, for instance. Standing on one leg is VERY VERY HARD for me. Doing anything else while standing on one leg...still most often leads to tipping over. (I rarely actually fall, but I do put the foot down). But I've seen enough improvement that I now have faith in the process. I used to not be able to stand on one foot at all. Now I can. So I keep practicing, because yoga is practice, and I have faith that eventually I will be able to stand on one foot and also straighten the lifted leg and turn my head and bend forward. Might take a year, might take two. That's okay.

I can't do binding at ALL. I always have to use the strap. (binding happens in many poses, and it's where you basically can turn your arms around your back and reach around and hold hands behind you. How's that for a technical yoga description?) But that's, again, become okay. I'm looking forward to the day, someday down the road, where I do actually touch those fingers together, but until that day I just keep reaching.

Another part of the attitude change has been the realization that what I am capable of doing actually can change from one day to the next. Some days I can I can put my hand flat on the ground in forward bend, and some days...not quite. The body changes, depending on all kinds of things I'm not in charge of, so you do what you can and what won't hurt you and it's all still practice and it's all still good.

I do think I have benefitted greatly from some excellent teachers in Ottawa. They way they explain the poses, and the way they actually adjust me (this rarely happened in the classes I went to in YK, so I never knew what I was doing wrong) or explain variations (also rarely happened in YK) has really helped me. I think part of the improvement has also been that as my body shape changed - especially my belly shrinking - previouslly inacessible poses came into reach. But the teachers I've had in Ottawa seemed far more able to work with that body shape than previous teachers I've had.

Maybe that's not fair. Maybe the change has been more internal, and as I've gotten stronger and felt more comfortable in my body generally I've been more able to hear the message of "it's okay to take the variation".

Either way, it's a part of my life and routine now. It's still only a once or twice a week thing, and I haven't developped a home practice yet, but I can see that happening down the road. For now I still benefit so much from the classes that I want to stick with that.

So. Namaste, y'all.

For crying out loud. The lightbulb just went off. I'm depressed and moody as fuck, and I can't goddamn stop eating.

I have a doctor's appointment on Thursday. Going to ask that he check my thyroid levels. Just maybe the constant need to EAT and CRY might be connected to wacky hormones. Also the feeling stupid and inability to concentrate at work, which I've been blaming on post holiday brain.

I mean, it also might not, I'm not having any other symptoms - no hair falling out, not particularly sleepy, no dry skin, no hoarse voice. So who knows. If it's not hormones, I'll have to figure something else out. If it is my thyroid, sigh. On the one hand, yeah, there's a reason, on the other hand, how I am I going to manage this for the rest of my life? It seems like every couple of years I need to up the synthroid dose. At some point that won't work anymore. I do think the lifestyle changes I've made in the past year have helped...but...bah.

Anyway. We'll see.

And thanks for the suggestions re: photographers. It's a great idea, just not something I can logistically see myself co-ordinating in the next little while. We'll see.

Things that are different since I moved to Ottawa:

* 43 pounds
* hair style and colour
* I wear skirts regularly now
* I exercise allatime and love it
* I wear jewelry way more often
* I have less of a social life
* But I have actual dates with women
* I don't get out into the nature very often
* I'm not meditating regularly anymore
* but I have connected with a nice group of buddhists
* I actually spend money on parking.
* I never see anyone I know when I wander around my neighborhood
* My work doesn't make me feel sad and burnt out
* I take regular baths on account of having the fabulous jacuzzi bathtub


Things that are the same since I moved to Ottawa:

* I still work too much
* I still struggle with food issues
* I'm not out to my parents
* my cats still sit on my lap and purr and make me happy
* I still love my online world and friends
* I still am not making time for creative pursuits

It's the sunday of a long weekend. And I'm not working. WHOO. I could work. I'll just end up working evenings and weekends down the road to make up for what I'm not doing this weekend. But that's okay, because the evenings and weekends are inevitable anyway, and I'd like to try and enjoy what I can of the summer while I still have the option.

So yesterday I walked everywhere, and did an ashtanga yoga class. I'm liking the ashtanga a lot - that was the second class I've tried. Today I went to a hatha class, which is a little more relaxed and slow. But still good. The yoga feels so good, I really need to keep it up. Weekend classes are good.

I'm still stuck at the same number on the scale, since I got back from holidays. This is....probably unsurprising. I've had more good days, food wise, than bad ones, but there have been bad ones. I am exercising lots, but still working with the cravings. Today I will do groceries and since it's cooled down some, I'll actually cook a pot of something for the week - that always makes it easier.

Plan for the rest of today: shower, at some point. Do groceries, at some point. Finish reading my book, The Romantic by Barbara Gowdy; finish reading yesterday's Globe and Mail and today's Ottawa Citizen; decide on the next book to start reading; or possibly read one of my buddhist magazines or books; and cook that pot of...something.

Hmmm. I should probably get started on some of that. Particularly the showers and the groceries.

In other news that I've already talked about to death on the internet, had that date with P the other night. No kissing, nothing resolved, a thought provoking question was asked which, uh, provoked thought on my part. I'm still not seeing a spark, but she wants to see me again after she comes back from her holiday. I'll see her again. Who the hell knows. But I'm also trolling through the online personals again. This dating thing takes some WORK, mang.

Oh, and I'm also planning to go to the "queer dharma" group at my meditation centre this Thursday. I rather suspect it will be majority male, but that's okay, and I know there's at least one woman who goes. But it's another of the little steps to reaching out to community, right? Right.

Off to take a shower. Hmmm, maybe I'll finish the book first...I'm almost done...

Things can change faster than the speed of sound, it seems.

So after my angst about not getting the job I wanted a while ago....some things happened. I got used to the idea that I was basically pretty much done with my job, and started to think that in the next year or so I would take steps to move on.

And then a friend called about an opportunity in Ottawa, there was a very quick quasi phone interview (not so much "interview" as "we really like you and when can you start?"), and now I've accepted a new job and will be moving to Ottawa in August.

It's all kinda wild.

I'm very excited about the move, and about the new job which sounds neat and interesting. I'll be closer to family and in a city with so much to offer. Leaving this town will leave my very sad too, but it is really time.

In other news, I feel like crap today and I think it was the lobster I ate last night. Darn.

ARGGH.

No WX again. That's annoying. I wanted to post in the geek thread and ask for HELP!

I have my digital cable reciever. I have installed it, with swearing. I got my DVD player to work with it (by having the DVD ignore the reciever, basically, after thinking I had to connect it to the TV through the recieved - that didn't work at all). So I have TV and DVD.

But I can't get the VCR connected right, and I think I've tried all possible configurations. The instruction manual SUCKS and is not helpful and refers to things that don't exist. The only thing I use the VCR for anymore is to record tv shows. My cable company does not yet have the DVR option, although they say it's coming "soon". (They said that about digital cable in my neighborhood 18 months ago. Not holding my breath).

Anyway, for now the VCR will sit alone and sad and unused. Fortunately, I'm actually not missing much - this season of Stargate just ended. I will have to make sure I am home on Saturdays for Battlestar Galactica, though. And the nice thing about the digital cable is the timeshifting thing, so I have a better chance of catching the shows.

Oh Anyway.

In still annoyed news: I really miss my chat whore peeps. Mang.

Worldcrossing has been hosed for like two days now. What the hell? Even though I am not a high volume poster, I am still missing my message board. Extra annoying that it's hosed now that I'm paying for the privilege. Feh.

I've had a pretty good week. Got a thing done at work and it went well and I was pleased. Went to see a most excellent play, "Stop Kiss (scroll down for the review which gives you an idea). I really liked the play itself, and the performances were outstanding. This is one of those times when I am really proud of my small town that it supports theater like this.

I spent Thursday and Friday junk food binging, I don't really know why. But I got over that today and went to a cardio class, which kicked my ass but was good. I am losing weight but sloooooowwwwlllllyyyyyy. And that's okay. I may start weighing myself every two weeks, though, to not get too annoyed at the half pound increments.

Today I also am doing laundry, laundry, laundry. Watched Battlestar Galactica, sooo awesome. About to start watching some more Stargate SG-1 DVD's (I'm starting Season 7. Yay Daniel's back!)

Tomorrow will be a yoga day, which I am looking forward to, also grocery day. My weekends have become incredibly predictable, but that's okay.

I also should do my taxes sometime soon. I have to acquire the QuickTax program first though.

Off I go.

so here it is Dec. 27th, that limbo time between Christmas and New Year's when you start to reflect on the year that was and the year that is coming. I'm not going to make any New Year's Resolutions in a formal way, except for the resolution I keep making over and over at every time of the year, to treat myself better and get healthy. My belly is so big now I can't look at myself in the mirror. I believe my thyroid has been out of whack for months, but I only really put that together recently. I've read some books which had some alternative/additional therapies in addition to the magic synthroid pill (which doesn't always fix everything right up). I'll see my doctor and get the blood test and see if the dose needs adjusting. But really really, I need to remember that exercising is just not optional for me. Not. Optional.

I was supposed to go to Calgary for Christmas. That ended up not happening because I was supposed to drive with my roommate, but the ferry across the Mackenzie River wasn't running due to too much ice. By the time it cleared up, my roommate had changed his plans and flown down, and I didn't feel like doing a two day drive in the winter by myself. But it's worked out very well. I've had a lovely combination of alone time and social time. Went skiing on Christmas Day which was grand, had a good feast with friends, and on my me time have been watching Stargate SG-1 season 1. New show to love, excellent.

My other project for this time off is to rewrite my play. Which I wrote almost a year ago, and workshopped wayyyyyy back in August and got lots of great feedback, which translates into work I need to do. Also need to incorporate some of the comments that my internet buddies provided (i.e. some of you folks). So that is today's plan. Once I clean the kitchen and have breakfast. I have SUCH a problem unloading clean dishes from the dishwasher. What is up with that?

I also treated myself - with the money I would have spent on gas driving down to Calgary, I bought a new area rug and two prints for my tv room. They look AWESOME. Except I have to get one of those non-stick underlayer thingies for the rug, cause it moves too much.

hmmmm. Not much else to report at this time. Or I'm just too hungry to bother. Must go have breakfast.

My LJ friends page has gone all wonky. The stuff on the right side column has disappeared and everything stretches right out to the edge of the screen. I can't figure out how to fix it. Help?

The snow has been here for a couple of weeks, but yesterday the real cold arrived. Wind chill of -20 celsius, yup, winter has arrived. Wore the real parka for the first time.

Work will be stupid nutty for the next week and a half or so. I did not get the holiday weekend this weekend, so am planning a "mental health day" when this trial is over so I can have my 3 day weekend as god intended.

The choir had our remembrance day concert - it was lovely. A pretty much full house for both performances, which was awesome. I am of course still singing the music endlessly in my head, but that's okay. Now we're getting geared up for the Christmas concert - only 6 rehearsals, and I'm going to miss one of them. Ulp. It'll come together, it always does.

My nephew's first birthday is coming up! on Nov. 20th. Which means he shares his birthday with andieflynn! How about that. And I am a bad auntie and have not had time to buy and send him something that will get there in time for the big day. And it's not going to happen this week. Sigh.

Okay. Now, at 8:10 a.m. on Sunday morning, I head off to the office. Wheeeee!

Oy, I'm really not keeping up with this lately. But I will update on various things going on:

Health: I set some goals for myself last week. Writing them down here is a good idea for future reference, I think, although boring to everyone else. My goals are:

1. Lose 15 lbs by Christmas.
2. Exercise a minimum of 4 times per week.
3. Bring my lunch to work 4 times per week.
4. Eat healthy snacks and stop eating chocolate bars and chips from the work kitchen.

Progress on the goals for this past week:
1. 2 lbs gone, whoot.
2. Done.
3. Done.
4. Done.

So, yay me! On to the next week.

Work: same old same old. Although the possibility of change has now been put out there in the open...my role here could change significantly. This is neither settled nor public yet, so we shall see. But it's a good feeling, right now. I have also had a dream last night about going back to school to become a psychologist...except for some reason this involved doing law school over again first. Huh? I may actually look around the internet to see what would be required for an MA is psychology, which I presume (I don't actually know...something else to research) is what I would need to get to be a qualified counsellor, some day in the far distant future.

Choir: Getting ready for our Remembrance Day concert. We had a FABULOUS workshop last weekend with Diane Loomer a renowned choral conductor. It was fantastic. The choir sounds wonderful. I continue to have my issues that I think I sound okay when I sing with other voices, but my voice sounds like utter crap to my ears when I sing alone. Also, I really really need to do some breath work...I cannot sustain a line or a note for anything like as long as I should. I'm not sure if that's a fitness thing (will it get easier as my cardio fitness increases?) or an asthma thing, or just a skill I need to practice and improve on.

House: I am now ready for winter. After two months of delays, the rest of the new windows have been installed, so I don't have to plastic them! Yay! My roof has had some minor repairs done (although 3 people have now told me I'll need a new roof sooner rather than later. I'm starting to save for next summer) and my furnace has been serviced. The roommate thing continues to work out better than either of us expected.

Spiritual: The director of our meditation group has moved away. He was the only person in town with any actual training or breadth of experience with meditation. The group will continue, and we are looking at ways to get training for folks who are interested in becoming meditation instructors - which is something Rand, our director, asked if I was interested in. I was very flattered, and would definitely be interested. I wish there were more resources available here...I keep looking at Shambhala centre web sites across the country and seeing all these courses and retreats I'd love to take...ah well.

Holiday: It's booked! I'm going to Varadero in February, and then to New Brunswick for two weeks. Looking forward to it very much.

That's todays update. I will try and do this more often. It's a good way of checking in, and also staying honest on those goals.

Work is still eating my brain. I really should be working right now, as a matter of fact. But I took the weekend off of work and went to a meditation workshop instead, which was great. And I was all flattered because our instructor, who is sadly leaving town and is the only person with any training, asked if I would be interested in becoming an instructor. I said I would. It's all very vague and in the air at the moment, because who knows when or where the next training course would be available, but I'm kind of excited about the opportunity.

Having the big thoughts about work again. Just sitting with the thoughts for now, and they're not as intense as they have been in the past. But there's all this big thought/works upheaval stuff happening in my online world, and it got me thinking: what would my alternative job look like? There's two that I can think of: writing...except the kind of thing I want to write would not make me any money for a good long time. I would have to sacrifice a significant chunk of the lifestyle to which I have become accustomed. Also, I actually think I should not write "full time", all by myself in my house. Although I have strong introvert tendencies, I also really like the social environment of an office and other people around.

My other alternative career is counsellor of some sort. Which I'd have to go back to school for, which would be fine. I just think there is so much pain in the world. Could I do something to help it? Maybe. Would that put more good out into the world than my current job does? I don't know. Would it be an easier job? Hmmm. Probably not, actually. But it fits much better with a sideline of "meditation instructor", don't you think? I've always thought mindfulness practice would be a powerfool tool for dealing with addiction and many other issues that come up in my current line of work all the time, but I'm not really in a position to say "hey! You should try this, it would do wonders for you!"

It's kind of a fun daydream. I'll mull it over for a while on bad days. Because I do still have those days where really, I do love my job. I just wish I could do it on a decent schedule.

Over a month since my last entry, that's not good.

Work is eating my brain. Which in turn is eating everything in sight. I've gained ten pounds, my blood pressure is high and not controlled, and there is no end in sight to the madness until December. So I realized I have three choices:

1. carry on the way I have been doing and start planning for the heart attack or stroke.
2. Quit my job.
3. Try, again, to balance my job with exercise and healthy eating.

So, opting for #3 for now, I am going to try the dreaded morning workout. Yep, I will go to the gym in the morning before work. Because I am not getting there any other time. I will do that 5 times a week. My goal is to lose 20 pounds by Christmas.

What other news? I went to Ottawa last week, had meetings (favorite management-speak term learned: "capacity gap". The capacity gap in my office is what is making me a worker drone with no life), hung out with friends, which was good. Choir has started again, and I'm stressed about how much time it's taking away from work. But I'm still doing it, damn it.

It didn't snow today. Nope, there were not tiny little white flakes fluttering around my window for 5 minutes. Didn't happen.

I should hopefully know in a week or two when I can take my winter holiday. And then I will start to plan it, you betcha. I can't wait.

Scroll down to see the photograph inspiring this

( So little. How could a creature so little survive in this world? )

Camping last weekend was good, although the weather was eh. Must try and do that earlier in the season next year. Due to my being freaking swamped at work, it is unlikely I'll be able to get away for another weekend before the snow flies. Ah well.

A friend was in from out of my town today and we went for lunch and then she came to my house and read my tarot cards. She did a pretty mind blowing reading for me around the time I was coming out - I had to explain to her why I was freaking out in the middle. It was spot on. Today's wasn't quite as earth shattering, but still worthwhile...she did a "choices" spread about my whole Ottawa vs. Yellowknife which was quite helpful in thinking about it.

I'm liking my roommate situation lots. It's working out really well - sometimes we hang out, sometimes we don't, and when we don't it's perfectly cool and we've each got our own space. Plus, money to pay for new windows! Always excellent.

I had some freak ass dreams last night, all work-oriented. Very strange. Two nights in a row I've done that now.

Finished reading "Love in the Time of Cholera". Disturbing view of love in that book. I liked it, but did not love it at the end the way I loved "100 years of Solitude."

I noticed for the first time today that there are yellow leaves in the trees in my yard. Sigh.

I am going camping tomorrow. I am very excited about this. I bought this great little tent two years ago, to go camping with my bud Sadie, and I used it exactly once. So I set it up again tonight on the deck - it's so easy! - to waterproof it. I will pack it up in the morning.

My roommate and a couple of other friends are going to Kakisa - the Lady Evelyn Falls Campground . I bought a fishing rod, and tomorrow will pick up my fishing licence. The itinerary includes travelling to the Twin Falls for a little hiking. I'm bringing a book and some magazines and it'll be awesome, as long as the weather co-operates. I bought a new wider thermarest in hopes that I will sleep better than I did the one other time I was camping.

My thing about camping has always been that I really want to like it....but basically, I can't sleep on narrow thin pads without a real pillow. And I'm miserable without sleep. So this time I splurged on the fancy thermarest and will bring a pillow and will use my sleeping bag like a comforter because I also cannot sleep inside a sleeping bag, generally speaking. Unless it's really cold.

So. Camping! Wish us good weather.

So, the weekend was nice, and fun, but not NICE or FUN. She was very cute, and very nice, and seemed really young to me in many ways although she's 31. We had a nice dinner last night and then I went to help Choir Girl move and she went out with another friend of hers in town.

And then today we had lunch, and went for a hike out to Cameron Falls. I think she really enjoyed that, and we had nice chats, but basically, there was no sparkage. I invited her to this birthday party I was going to tonight, but she passed, which really was for the best because it was a small gathering of people who knew each other quite well and it probably would have been kinda weird. Plus, everyone but my roommate would have been "WHO is THAT?????"

so, we said our goodbyes, she flies out early tomorrow morning. We may keep in touch, I'll be in Winnipeg in October and we made noises that we'd see each other then, but, eh. I don't know.

I am just fine with the way things worked out, so it's all good.

so she's arriving late Friday afternoon and leaving Sunday. Eek.

I'm helping Choir Girl move Friday night, so I've suggested email girl and I go for dinner between my finishing work and helping with the move. I'm not ready for her to meet Choir Girl, I don't think. And then suggested touristy things, or hiking, or whatever, on Saturday afternoon.

So basically, my plan is to see how things go when we first meet, and play it by ear. There will be opportunities. If needed or wanted.

I'm not quite freaking out yet. But I can see where freaking out will happen.


EEEEEEEEEEK.

So I just got an e-mail from that e-mail girl. Turns out she may be able to make a stopover in Yellowknife next weekend. It seems to be dependent on a bunch of things not within her control, but she's going to try.

Hmmmm. HMMMMMMM.

She just got a whole lot more interesting, I must say.

I am the teensiest bit nervous about the fact we haven't exchanged pictures yet. (nervous about her seeing my picture, not vice versa). But that's my issue.