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Love of my life?   
02:30am 05/04/2007
 
mood: content
music: nothing
So, I don't think I've mentioned M. I met M through yahoo IM waaay back in 1999..when people looked at people's yahoo profiles and just randomly messaged people. He was in france, and he had a friend who lived in Tulsa that he was thinking about coming to visit, and he was wanting to know about Oklahoma. I'm not sure how he found my profile, but he did. We started emailing back and forth, and have done so for nearly 8 years now. He's prolly the one person besides Dena and Tia who I've kept up with. When I didn't have a computer, I wrote him letters or called him when I had a chance, but I always could get ahold of him, and he always knew where I was and what I was doing. Throughout the homelessness(twice),losing jobs and moving around like crazy, he's been there. He knows me. And, he likes me. And he says he's attracted to me, which I still don't really understand, but I've stopped questioning it. Only within the last year or so has anything sexual been mentioned, and I won't go into what we've talked about/done...cause I'm sure y'all are tired about hearing about my sexual espcapades. Anyway, he's 43. The same age as my uncle, which used to bother me alot, but now it doesn't. He still lives in France, although he's originally from England. And we all know how I love the brits.. He's a good person, has a dry sense of humor, and is completely honest with me, even when I'm being a complete idiot. Only Tia is as honest with me. I appreciate it, because I've got to be pulled back into reality sometimes. I know he doesn't know everything about me, but it's pretty close. I've never lied to him, and he just...gets me.

Now, I've never seen him. Just pictures. And he's been wanting me to come to Paris for years. But I still haven't gone. And I want to. Badly. I just can't help but wonder if our relationship would differ by meeting in person. And I can't help but think that I'm in love with him. Seriously. Not like Paul Nunez kind of love,because Paul and I don't know each other anymore. Not that we ever really did. I think I miss Paul when I'm not crushing on someone, and there's that "what if" factor. What if we would have never broken up, and what if I wasn't such a jealous bitch afterwards? But I don't think I love him. Not really. And it's not like Nathan Lofties, who I thought I could love, just because some stupid psychic told me that I would meet a guy like him, and he would be the one. I think Nathan cares for me in a way, but nothing more than that. I was an easy lay, and he could string me along. I miss him sometimes, because well, a girl has got to be kissed sometimes, but I don't love him either.

But, back to M. I don't know if I love him. I would like to think that I do, but sometimes he just makes me SO mad. He's annoyingly right all the time. And sometimes, he just gets so..self-righteous that I want to come through the computer and just smack him. And I can't understand why he would be attracted to me, weighing as much as I weigh, and looking the way I do. We didn't talk for a long time because I told him that I thought it strange because he is attracted to me. I still don't understand it, but if he keeps insisting that he does, so I'll just accept it. So...I don't know. I would like to think that I love him, but I can't help but think that I want to be in love so badly,that I'm projecting those wannabe feelings on to him, someone that I've never met, that is 18 years older than I am, who lives a million miles away.

Love of my life? I have absolutely no idea. But, he makes me feel good about myself, and I'm okay with that.		  
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Damn Paul Nunez...   
07:21pm 31/07/2006
 
mood: melancholy
music: Miss You-Alliyah
I'm having dreams about Paul Nunez again. Basically I'm chasing him, and I can't catch him. I don 't know what it means, but I miss him. I'll think about him for a few days,and then he'll go away, again. But for now, I miss him. I wish I could find him.

There's more stuff to write about, but I don 't wanna.

love y'all!

Nikki		  
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It's my birthday......   
12:58pm 24/06/2006
 
mood: grateful
music: I will follow you into the dark-Death Cab for Cutie
hurrah....

I'm 26 today...more than half way to 30.

I would say more about it, but I don't want to bum anyone out.

I'm grateful for all my friends, who are getting me through this stupid time, my mom for letting me live with her(pray that I don't kill her), and ClientLogic for giving me a job.

I'm grateful that I managed to make it this far in life, and God for keeping me alive for some strange reason.

Life isn't perfect, but I'm surviving, and that's all I can ask for right now.

Love you all sooo much. Your support means sooo much to me.

Nikki		  
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5 days...   
07:49pm 19/06/2006
 
mood: calm
music: Be in the Light-Dc Talk
......until my 26th birthday.

Ugh.

I started my new job today. It seems cool.

Still broke, but getting help from 1 awesome person, so will be able to pay cell phone bill. And maybe eat something besides ramen noodles.


Half of my apt complex(which includes my apt) is without power. They blew a transformer or something. It's supposed to be out for another full day, and it's been 24 hours already. Fun. I'm staying at my mom's house tonight,'cause it's close to work. They haven't served me with an eviction notice, so I'm not freaked about moving yet.

Thought I was gonna get stopped by a cop, because my tags are out of date on my car. But, I guess he wasn't worried about me.


Sorry about my last post. Y'all know I'm a bitch.

Sorry for the rather disjointed way this post is written. I'm feeling very disjointed, so this is reflecting what's going on in my head.

Off to eat a popsicle.

Love y'all!

Nikki		  
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People Suck.   
01:48pm 15/06/2006
 
mood: drained
music: Damn kids screaming and crying
Warning!!!: Bitchy post ahead. Please know that this is not directed at anyone in particular, so please don't get all freaked out on me. I'm mad, and I need some way to express it.

Warning over...


They say that in times of trouble, you find out who your true friends are. It's true. Pretty much everyone that I counted on is not available to help me. I know that I should help myself or whatever, but grrr. I do have a job, but I need money for things, and it's going to be at least two weeks before I get any from my new job. And everyone I've asked has been like, "I'm so sorry, I wish I could help but...(insert excuse here)". I know everyone is sorry for what I'm going through, but fuck, I'm sorry too. I'm tired of hearing it. Empathy is not really doing anything for me at this point. Except for keeping me broke.

That's really it. I'm broke, hungry, tired of eating ramen noodles and baloney, and almost out of gas in my car. My cell phone(the only phone I have) is going to be turned off in about 2 days, and then I'll be really cut off.

If one more person tells me that God is going to provide, I'm going to vomit. I know it's rude to say, but I already know. But he's not right now, so I'm just wondering what the fuck he's doing, 'cause he sure as hell isn't helping me. And I know all the crap about God doing things in his own time and to be patient and all that, but fuck that. I need help now. I swear he's punishing me or something.

Ugh at it all. I've had it.

I'm sorry if anyone has been offended by this. I'm pissed, and I need some way to express this. I'm just disilluisioned with alot of people right now.

Off to eat another fucking bowl of ramen noodles,

Nikki		  
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Mailbox and other things   
06:20pm 13/06/2006
 
mood: hungry
music: I will follow you-Death Cab for Cutie
So, I haven't been able to get into my mailbox for like 3 weeks now. I know that this isn't probably a big deal, but it is. My apartment keeps saying they're gonna fix it, but they haven't. I'm pissed, and I really hate being mean(yeah, I know that's surprising),but seriously. I might have a check in there or something.

In other news, if I have to eat one more ramen noodle or baloney sandwhich, I'm going to puke! You know it's really bad when you're having dreams about Mcdonalds and Wendys. I'm sure I don 't have it as bad as some, but it really sucks.



Nikki		  
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Stupid   
09:39am 05/06/2006
 
mood: crushed
music: Fix You-Coldplay
I'm not really sure who reads this thing these days, but whatever. I'm frustrated. Just when I think maybe things are gonna go okay....BAM! God's all like no, that's not gonna happen. I had gotten a job through a temp agency doing customer service at a computer company last week. The thing was, the training class starting today was full, but the hiring manager was all like, "well, there's usually alot of people that don't show up, so you'll probably get in". So, I got all excited. Turns out, everyone showed up, so I'll probably have to wait until july. That sucks because I still need money to pay rent,and my cell phone. I just don't understand what God is trying to do. I'm trying to have a positive attitude about things, but damn. I mean, God needs to stop screwing around and give me a break. I seriously can't deal with this.		  
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Back to square one.   
05:45pm 22/05/2006
 
mood: indescribable
So yeah, I'm back to square. Some of y'all know that I got fired from Cox, but some don't. I don't really want to go into the why right now(it's not complicated, I'm just tired of explaining it. It is my fault, and I'm not blaming anyone. I did have a job at this water filtration company, but honestly, I don't want to get into the why that didn't work either. So here I am, broke, no job(but looking), and I don 't know how I'm going to pay my rent by June 5. I hate asking people for help, but I need it. I don't know what kind of help I need, but I need something. I just don't know what to do. I love all of you bunches. You deserve a big long explanation of what's going on, but I just don't have it in me right now.		  
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Lazy-ass update.   
07:57pm 11/05/2006
  So, I'm lazy, and dont really want to do an update. So, if you wanna know what's going on, then call me, and I'll tell you all about it.

that is all.

love y'all!		  
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I wish I was never born   
08:55am 27/04/2006
 
mood: indescribable
I am in the lowest circle of hell. God is playing a cruel joke. Remember the guy that my friend was setting me up with? His name is Matt. Anyway, we had dinner the other night, and we talked for a really long time. I thought all had gone well, and he was supposed to call me the next day. Well, obviously, no call, and then when we do talk, he tells me that while I’m pretty(that should be a step up, right?, but just wait for it..) and fun to talk to, he can’t see us being anymore than friends because…………

Wait for it…this is a new one….

……………………………..

Because I’m a democrat, and I don’t have a problem with homosexuality.

WHAT? WHAT?

Okay, so I get rejected because I’m fat, I won ‘t sleep with them, and all the other usual rejection excuses, and now this?!!!!!!!! OMG. I’ve been rejected by losers and by Christian men.

I seriously have had enough.

I don’t even know what to say.		  
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Updates,Epihanys, and Bunnies   
01:40pm 16/04/2006
 
mood: amused
music: Can't Get you out my head-Kylie Minogue
Okay, so first things first. Happy Easter and all that. I'm not gonna say how I really feel about Easter, cause I'm sure someone will be offended.

Anyway, things are fine. I'm over some of my freaked-out-ness. I know that to change most of that, I need to get off of my lazy ass and do something. It just seems all overwhelming. So, for those of you who have asked me why I don't do something about my life, there's your answer. For now. :)

So, the Epihany(am I even spelling that right?). You know, I'd really like a boyfriend and a relationship, and I seem to be finding the stupid ones who just want to sleep with me. Well, it's like that while I want to be in a relationship, I don't think that I'm good enough for one. I'm honestly not where I need to be,or, more truthfully,where I'd like to be in my own little fantasy world. That means that I'd like to be, prettier, a better job and car and a better apartment. So, while I want a relationship, I keep setting myself up for disappointment because I don't think I deserve one really. And because I'm not truly happy with myself, I'm not going to be happy in a relationship, or even be good in one.

This is all kind of ironic because my friend Erin is trying to set me up with someone. His name is Matt and he's 24, a producer for a radio show, and a big sports fan. That's all I know so far. I'm a bit nervous about the whole thing, but we'll see. Because of the whole epiphany(ok,is THAT how it's spelled??)thing, I'm not sure if it's going to work out. So, we'll see.

Anyway, I filed my taxes, and I only owe $64 to state and I'm getting back $189 from federal. Don't ask how I did it. :)

A few good friends have told me to take the money situation one thing at a time, and not get too bogged down by things. I'm going to take their advice.

Have y'all seen that 16 or 17 yr old in Kansas who says she faked her own kidnapping? I'm sorry,but that's just wrong, and her parents need to beat her. I know that's harsh, but damn. Kids need to stop making up shit. Parents need to disclipine their children more, so they don't run around acting like a fool and lying and all that. My mom would have beaten me if I ever pulled something like that.

...and I'm stepping down from the parenting soapbox....

Tv shows I love right now: American Idol(Ace is next teeny-boppers!), Everybody Hates Chris(watch this, it's hysterical!), My Name is Earl(sweet and funny in a geeky sort of way. And Jason Lee is HOT with the 'stache!!), The West Wing(the final episodes are coming, but Hurrah! We have another Democratic Prez!!! And :( because of John Spencer's death), America's Next Top Model(whining and bitching at it's best...like watching a train wreck. I secretly wish I was one of 'em)

So..I guess that's it for now. I'm sure I had some other stuff to say...oh yeah I did. Prayers and good thoughts out to the Bolin family in Purcell,Oklahoma. Their little girl Jamie was kidpnapped and killed a few days back. A really sad and disgusting thing. So, send a prayer out if you think about it.

Love y'all, and thanks for putting up with me.

And..if the first person who tells me how to spell epihany correctly, wins a prize!

Nikki		  
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*Screaming*   
11:04am 09/04/2006
 
mood: depressed
music: nothing
Okay, so I’m sure people are wondering(if anyone is reading this, which I dunno know if anyone is, but whatever) why I put up that song in my last post. It’s just that it talks about how I feel. I’ve pretty much given up on love, but there’s still a little hope left in me. I guess. I had a big long post written in my head, but I’m too tired to really type it all out. I’ve been in a really fucked up,depressed mood lately. I’ve been angry,crying like crazy, and I’m just drained. It’s mostly the same old stuff:

-I hate my job, and I want a new one, but I don’t know what I can do besides call center work
-I hate my life in general, and I want a new one.
-I’m ugly. I know that a lot of you would come back and say, “No, Nikki you’re beautiful”. I totally appreciate that, but I don’t see it. I’m 5’0, and I weigh 350lbs. That is not beautiful, or healthy. I just don’t see what you guys see. I know that’s harsh, but it’s how I feel.
-I want a boyfriend. Or something like that. Or someone to at least pay attention to me.

I don’t know really. I’m just sick of everything, but I’m still not doing anything about it. So I’ve really got no reason to complain. I want to do things, but I need help.

People are also telling me that God is in control and to just trust in Him. If He’s in control, then what the crap is he doing? I’m sure that there’s a lesson in all of this, but I’m tired of lessons, I just need a break, or some money, or someone to pay attention to me, or something. Please.

In case your thinking this, YES, I do need to go back to therapy.

I love you guys.		  
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So this is...   
04:17pm 07/04/2006
 
mood: drained
music: Savage Garden
....My theme song.

I’ll post another update later and explain why.

My life blows, but that’s nothing new. I am better off than a lot of people, so I should be grateful.

Anyhoo, my theme song is “To The Moon and Back”, by Savage Garden.

Here it is:

She's taking her time making up the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smiles and the look in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one
They're saying, "Mama never loved her much"
And, "Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection"
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

She can't remember a time when she felt needed
If love was red then she was color blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying, "Love is like a barren place,
And reaching out for human faith
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for"
So baby's gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
She's sayin

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?

Mama never loved her much
And, Daddy never keeps in touch
That's why she shies away from human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him
She's sayin

I would fly to the moon and back if you'll be...
If you'll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we belong
So would you be my baby?		  
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Stolen From Dave   
02:29pm 29/03/2006
 
mood: blah
music: Somebody Told Me-The Killers
So, I'm bored...

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Tech Support
2. Customer Service
3. Slacker
4. Admin Assistant

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Ocean’s 11 and 12(and 13 when it comes out)
2. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
3. The Princess Diaries 2:Royal Engagement(I KNOW!)
4. Sixteen Candles

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. American Idol
2. SuperNanny
3. Extreme Makeover:Home Edition
4. Dog:The Bounty Hunter

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Um
2. I’ve
3. never really
4. been on a vacation really, unless trips to Tulsa count.

Four websites you visit daily:
1. G-Mail
2. GCN
3. Oddtodd.com
4. Myspace(sadly, I’m becoming addicted)

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Egg Rolls
2. Flaming Hot Lays Chips
3. Ramen Noodles with Worchestshire Sauce
4. Chicken nuggets from Wendy’s

Four places you would rather be right now:
1. London
2. My bed
3. My couch
4. Anywhere but here

Four of your favorite songs:Just for this week,subject to change
1. Beep Song-Pussy Cat Dolls
2. The Killers - Somebody Told Me
3. You’re Beautiful-James Blunt(we all sing-along to this at work)
4. One Week-Bare Naked Ladies

Four friends I am tagging that I think will respond:
1. I’m not
2. tagging anyone because
3. y’all can do it
4. if you want.


Will update about money problems later.		  
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Physical   
11:31am 26/03/2006
 
mood: aggravated
music: Nevermind-Nirvana
I need some attention. Physical attention. Not necessarily sex, but I just would like someone of the male persuasion to touch me. Like y'all wanted to know that, I just needed to say it. I'm not bitching. Paolo is here, but of course, he's busy. I would like to be a bitch and say, "Yeah right, he's busy", but he just may be. Anyway, I don't like being ignored, and I feel like he's ignoring me. I'm trying really hard to be cool about it, but I'm losing my grip on that,and am gonna end up doing something stupid and stalker-y. I let go of nathan; I haven't called him in at least a month or two. Surely I can let this go. I need to,cause it just fucks with me. Bastard. I hate him. I'm sure once he decides to pay attention to me, then I won't be mad, but for now, I HATE HIM. I just want to just call him up and tell him how I feel, but I know how I feel is stupid.

So, said all that to say...nothing really.

Going back to work now.

Nikki		  
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08:03am 23/03/2006
 
mood: awake
music: Hand in My Pocket-Alanis Morrisette
Okay, so this maybe a long-ish entry. Maybe.

So, here's this:

List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will. Do not say who they are for.
(This is actually kind of hard, cause I usually say what I think, whenever I happen to think it…)+

1. You really really annoy me. The fact that you’re not comfortable in your own skin drives me mad. Get over yourself already.
2. I think you’re a little snobby sometimes. Just cause you’re smart doesn’t mean you have to look down on everyone else.
3. Why can’t I call you?
4. I’m in love with you, and have been for along time, and I probably always will. I know you can’t change who you are, but I can’t change how I feel.
5. You are a manipulative bitch, and I hope your website fails. I’ll make it happen if I can.
6. I am totally fascinated by you. It’s a combo of crush-love/lust, but I know I’m not cool enough for you, and I’m okay with that.
7. I seriously think that you’ve had sex with someone that I’ve been with. I don’t know why I can’t shake that feeling. If you did, I’m not mad about it.
8. I’m not as stupid as you think I am.
9. Stop whining about your life and freaking do something about it. Stop being a loser.
10. Some day, I’m going to slap you, and it’s going to feel really good.

Hopefully, no one can guess these.

In other news, OMG-BUCKY IS STILL ON AMERICAN IDOL! WHY WHY WHY WHY? Please let him get kicked off next week. I can’t stand his bad singing.

I’m doing okay. Work is still blah-whatever, Paolo is a bastard, and I wish it would be spring already.

Love y’all!

Nikki		  
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Okay...   
09:06am 18/03/2006
 
mood: bitchy
music: none
I don't know what's up with everyone, but I haven't heard from some people. I know it's the busy season, but my feelings are kind of hurt.

That is all.		  
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Love Fool   
12:06pm 15/03/2006
 
mood: calm
music: Lovefool-The Cardigans
So okay, I got the answer. And…it’s yes. He does have a girlfriend. Of course I’m sure all of y’all are saying, “DUH!”. But you know me; I just have to twist the knife in a little bit deeper. Anyway, I wasn’t near a computer when he responded, so I had my friend F-Kay(aka Felicia) look for me, and when I read the response on my phone, I cried like a fool whose heart has been broken. But, it really hasn’t. Not really. I mean, I kind of thought he had a girlfriend, but I just needed to hear confirmation. I think I cried for a few reasons: 1.I was kind of hurt, I think more my vanity than anything. It really sucks to have hope about something, only to have it crushed. 2. I actually had a real crush(not lust) on him. I mean yeah,he’s a total hottie, but it was more than that in my head. There were prolly some other reasons, but I can’t think of them just now. Anyway, now that I’ve cried and gotten over myself, I think it’s cool. He was really nice about everything, so I’ve got to give him props for that. So, I guess you could say c’est la vie to that.

Seriously though, I’m done. With crushes and having hope about all that for awhile. It’s too crazy, and my heart just can’t stand it. It’s getting a little old. I’m sure that God is prolly not gonna bring anyone into my life until I’m completely okay with myself, or something,so whatever. I just wish I could have a little more than friends with benefits(damn that Paolo!).

It’s the same old bitch, but what can you do? I’m prolly gonna continue to whine about it. But I’m not gonna get my hopes up EVER AGAIN. I’m sure I can find better ways to occupy my time.

To all of you who read this and don’t tell me,”JUST SHUT UP!”. I love y’all. And everyone else too. Except for my Aunt Rosie, cause I can’t stand her.

Nikki		  
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Lapse in Judgement   
12:51pm 11/03/2006
 
mood: calm
music: Spiderwebs-No Doubt
Okay, so I’ve had a temporary lapse in judgement.

I sent Brian(the hottie/trainer crush) a message and asked him if he has a girlfriend. He hasn’t responded yet.

Okay some of you (or probably just me) are asking, why? Well, the suspense is killing me. Since I’ve told him about my crush, we’ve been messaging back and forth on myspace. You all know that I can’t leave things alone, so I’ve been curious as to why he keeps messaging me. The obvious reason is that he’s just responding to whatever I’m saying, but that’s not a good enough of answer for me. I think it’s really been for one of these reasons: 1.He’s humoring me to be nice and not hurt my feelings. 2. He’s really interested in what I have to say, and likes me(like LIKE like) or 3. A combination of 1 and needing some entertainment. Who knows?

Anyway, the suspense of it all has been driving me crazy, and I’ve been acting more neurotic than usual. I’m not going to tell you what things I’ve done(I know! Me not telling everything, how crazy is that?), because it’s super uber duper embarrassing, and falls way into the “loser” category. I guess it’s because I was holding out hope that he’d be all like,”Wow, Nikki is awesome/cute/funny/sexy,and I’d really like to go out on a date with her.”. Or something like that. It’s totally okay to have hope, but I try not to stay in Nikki Fantasy Land for long, so I tried not to daydream about it(too much).

The thing is, this is the first crush that I’ve had in a long time, and I really like him. I would totally want more than just a friends with benefits thing, which is what I always get. I really don’t think that I would have a chance with him, but it doesn’t hurt to try, right?

So, that’s why I asked him that question. We’ll see how he responds, and then maybe I can get over myself and being to function normally. Well, more normal than I have been lately.

In other news, work is fine. Just the same old customers. I’m not bitter or anything. I like my job about 70 percent of the time. I’d like to do something else, but I don’t know what that is.

I’ve actually been watching American Idol a bit. Not bad talent. I don’t have a real pick yet, but for the girls I like Paris, and Ace Young or Taylor for the guys. We’ll see, cause it’s still early days.

I also saw that The Bachelor Travis, and Sarah have broken up. I’m not surprised by this. I was totally stoked that he picked her, but I knew something was up when he didn’t propose. There was just like, no passion there really, so whatever. Maybe he should have picked Moana,but we’ll never know. I think that it’s about time to cancel this show. They don’t seem to have any luck getting the guys hooked up. And, it’s getting kind of old.

I guess that’s all for this update. If any of y’all have my cell phone number, call me and listen to the voicemail greeting. It’s pretty funny.


Love y’all!

Nikki		  
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A quickie   
08:43pm 06/03/2006
 
mood: amused
Three Six Mafia won an Oscar for "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp".

That's fucking awesome!		  
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soonerbred
 
 
skip  
 
 

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