Cynical Disaster

6:10am: I feel like I'm living on Temptation Island this summer. Everything is finally really good and I feel like I'm going to fuck it all up. I'm going to try not to but well... I don't know if I'm that strong. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

2:18pm: I have that same feeling I had right before I graduated from high school. That "everything is going to change" felling. I don't like it. It makes me want to cry. I hate crying. I feel attached. I don't even go to school at Unity. I can't imagine how attached I'm going to feel when I graduate from here. I don't even want to think about that. Good. Usually I'm the one greeting change with arms wide open. Not this time. Not yet...

11:24am: I hate packing.

9:52pm: So it was a very interesting weekend for me, in more ways than one, and it all seemed to go down on friday. I don't know why but oh well. Loretta picked me up on friday and we went to Unity for the beach party. Well when we got back to her house Emma and Jeri were there but so were Scott and Matt. Scott was fine hes a nice guy I like him a lot, but it is still awkward between me and him. Especially since he didn't even talk to me and wouldn't even look at me during Emma's birthday party and then went and deleted me from Myspace. But whatever I wasn't going to be a bitch or anything, if anything I planned on killing him with kindness, but we actually got along extremely well. It was nice, like it was when we hung out when we were all still just friends, before we ever did anything. Then Ryan showed up, which I thought might make it more awkward but that was fine too.

So we were all chilling in the living room and shit and then we decided to go get dressed for beach party, so Ryan and Matt were left all alone together in the living room... again awkward. Maybe nto for Ryan 'cause he doesn't know anything about Matt, but I think it deff was for Matt especially 'cause he is so shy too so I don't know if they even talked. But anyway at this point Matt was buzzing at least, and was being all nice and flirty towards me... not coold kid. You have a girlfriend, and well... I have my whatever you want to call him. Well I walked out with my jean skirt on, cause that is what I wore to the party, and he liked grabbed me around the waste and held me for a minute. I didn't really know what to do 'cause Ryan was standing their too so I just pushed him off and walked over to Ryan and put my arm around him. I keep telling myself he was just really drunk but whatever.

So we got to the school and danced for maybe 10 minutes and then went outside. I don't know what the fuck made us think it would be a good idea but we decided to drink in the parking lot and public safety came and saw us. To make a very long story short they called the police and Steve, Ryan, and I all got summonsed to court on July 17th for possession of alcahol by a minor. In Belfast at 8:30 in the morning. So I'm going to have to take time off work. Actually I think I'm going to call the number on it and find out if I can just pay the fine. So they made public safety drive us back to Loretta's 'cause we told them that we walked there when it was still daylight out and the van was down near the bar in town and it got pulled over!! By one of the cops we had just talked to... anyway it was for not coming to a complete stop at the Don't Stop Lovin' sign. But they let the guy go. Haha like that would happen!! So that was pretty much my friday.

Jess' baby shower was yesterday. It was nice, kind of boring though and other than that I have just stayed at home and done nothing. Which is probably a good thing with the way my luck has gone all weekend. :-p oh well it isn't the end of th world and I'm really not that worried about it. It makes for an interesting story though.

12:17am:  I can't wait for the next week and a half to be done. Tomorrow is Maine Day however which means no classes and getting absolutely plastered with Amy and Kelly. Then friday Loretta is supposed to come get me and we are going to Beach Party that night. Probably the last Unity Beach PArty I will ever go to which makes me rather sad, but I'm going to bring Ryan. He's looking forward to it even though he was a little confused at first...

Ryan: So is there a beach in Unity?
Me: Nooo... Beach Party... its a theme party.
Ryan: Umm how do you dress up like a beach? or am I just not getting it?
Me: Umm (trying really hard not to laugh at him) no you dress up like you were at th beach. You know shorts, tank tops, skirts, sunglasses, etc.
Ryan: Oooohhh!! That makes sense haha. Even I can do that!

Quite hillarious. I had to text the whole conversation to Loretta. It was by far one of the best things I have heard in a long time. Anyway... then saturday is Jess' baby shower. That should be interesting... so all in all it should be a pretty good weekend. I must say I'm looking forward to Unity on Friday the most. 

Then next weekend is graduation and graduation party. How sad is that? I think there is a possibility that I will cry 'cause apparently Emma has created a slideshow to play at the party. I can't even imagine. I'm sad about the end of our Unity era, I can't even begin to imagine how Emma and Loretta feel. Actually I can... I'm sure they are sad to be ending something but unbelievably happy to be done and starting something new.

I can't wait for summer though. I am having a feeling that things will work out much better than I thought they would last week... besides I'm not PMSing now either. That really does make a big difference on how you view your world and your life. 

All right... off to bed so I will be rested for my full day of drinking tomoroow... :-p

9:47pm:  I keep thinking about summer and how much I can't wait for it too come and how it should be really fun. But lately I've been thinking about how Natasha is going to be around and I can't stand her and how much of an outsider I feel like sometimes because I'm not quite the same age as everyone else, I can't legally drink that is. Then I think about how I am going to have to leave Ryan behind. The only guy who has ever treated me decent because he likes me and not becuase he wants to get in my pants. And who can deal with me being the bitch that I am. I don't want to leave him behind  and it makes me sad. I know its only three months and I know that him and the others are all supposed to come up and go rafting but still... I've invested myself deeper than I should have, deeper than I wanted to. I need out. Fast. I hate feeling like this.

4:43pm:  I'm curious to see where this is going... I've fallen for Ryan way more than I had ever expected, fortunately, I think he has fallen for me more. Which is good 'cause it means I have a little more control. Last sunday I went over to his house and we just sat around and watched movies together. Then his mother made us dinner. His stepfather actually walked in the door and saw me and was like, "you must be Sonja?" Then he said, "you go tot he University, right?" so I don't know if Ryan had just talked about me before, or if he had just told them that morning that I was coming over. They were really nice though. Then last night he told me I was one of his bestfriends. I won't lie I didn't know what to say to that, I mean we have only known each other since october and have only really been hanging out the last month or so. Besides I mean, I have best friends but I don't kiss them or sleep with them, you know? I don't know. I was like "really?" and he was like, "well I talk and hang out with you more than any of my other friends." So I was like "ok I guess that makes sense"... kind of but whatever. I don't know. I would really like this to go somewhere, however I don't want to get my hopes up. Also summer vacation is in three weeks and we will be almost 2 hours away, which isn't alot I know but... idk it isn't like we have something really solid built or anything, it is just the beginning of something. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking about this too much. I guess we'll just see what happens.

5:16pm: Bored
1. If you had the ability to legally change your name, would you? To what?
I wouldn't I like my name

2. What do you with with change that you receive from banks/purchases/find on the ground?
Well I don't usually pick up change I find on the ground but when I have extra change in my purse or whatever it usually just stays in there until I go to a restaurant and then along with my tip I usually leave all my change. I don't like change...

3. If you could travel back in time to change the course of one historical event, what event would it be?
I wouldn't change any events because that fuck up so much. I mean our world sucks and is fucked up all ready but if you do that you could fuck it up even worse.

4. Would you rather live a safe, stable, moderately interesting life or one where every day was dangerous, volatile, and different?
I don't know. I get sick of everything being the same but I don't really want to live a dangerous life either. Hmmm

5. What do you think you'll be remembered for when you die and, if you could, would you change it to something else
I'm sure I wont really be remembered. There is nothing in my life that is that significant and if I stay on the same track I'm on then there wont ever be. Whatever though, it isn't something that bothers me.

5:36pm:  I had a pretty good weekend. I left school early and went to Unity. Hung out with Emma, Loretta, and Whiteman. We drank, they each drank a shitload of beer and I drank tequila. Loretta and I weren't even that drunk yet but we both had some empty bottles and I was in a feisty mood so I wanted to go smash them. So we got our shoes on and went out behind the trailer and threw them but they didn't break. Then, and I don't know why or whose idea it was, but we decided to get naked. Not completely but we stripped down to just our underwear and bras. And then I put my shoes back on 'cause the ground was freezing. But there Loretta and I stood in our undergarments. Whiteman looked out the window and decided he needed to join us so he came out and took off his clothes. Everything but his boxers and boots and then someone called him. So he goes and stands on the porch and talks in just his boxers and boots. We still don't know how no one saw us. Especially since their neighbors drive up and down the road alllll the time. Then we decided to take our mini party to the bar in Unity. It was a good time haha. We met some random people, I drank some beers even though I'm not 21. Then Whiteman and I thought it would be a good idea to wrestle and now I have bruises everywhere and look like an abused child. Oh well. Haha it was a pretty amazing thursday night.

Then friday Amy, Doug, Deanna, Cory, Ryan, and Ed all came up. And Jeri and Travis and Steve and Loretta's parents. It was a great time. Shorty showed up and ended up drinking so much she got sick. Ryan and I were pretty touchy feely the whole time and Amy didn't even care, which was amazing. Then Matt came with some of his friends. Amy asked what his name was and was told it was Matt she goes, "Ooohhh Matt..." and looks at me. I was like sweet Amy, way to be ovious about that whole situation. Well thats what I thought anyway. I guess he looked at her really weird when she said that. I tried to peace out of there. Ryan tagging along, which made the situation even more awkward. It's funny 'cause Matt didn't even say hi or acknoledge (wow I'm struggling with the spelling) that I was there. Whatever. I'm over him, he just pisses me off a lot. Anyway... So yeah. Amazing night. There are some great quotes too...

Doug (to Emma): I don't know you but at least we're happy!


Amy: Do you want the trash can?
Whiteman: No eugljhhyou( we couldn't understand what he said.)
Amy: Whiteman do you want the trash can?
Whiteman: No... a grilled cheese!
Amy: Well I can't help you with that.


Me: Why does that radio have to be specifically for the kitchen?
Emma: Well don't you see how it is contoured to the chicken?(She meant kitchen)


Steve(trying to get through a group of people): Excuse me. Coming through. Drunk. Underage

12:02am:  Figures. I skip my morning classes today and now I can't sleep. I shouldn't be surprised. Whatever. I did, however, talk to Ryan for an hour and half tonight. That's always nice. Its nice to not feel awkward and strange around him like I usualy do around guys... or guys I'm interested in. Anyway. I guess I should at least try to go to bed... eugh

11:25pm:  Its amazing how just texting someone can make you go from being in a horrible mood to the best mood you have been in, in a while. I think I really need to talk to Amy. Eh... Friday is too far and too close all at the same time.

10:11pm:  :-) I'm happy. Its nice being happy for once even though I know it is only going to last for a little bit. I have to talk to Amy. About everything. Then I'm sure my happiness wont be so grand. I think I'm holding out for as long as I can. I'm thinking maybe friday will be a good time to talk, but I kind of want to wait and see what happens. Ehhh. I hope she doesn't hate me. I don't think she would tell me if she did 'cause she doesn't like confrontation but I would rather have her just be honest with me and tell me that I did something that isn't cool. Well I mean... it isn't like it happened on purpose. It just sort of... happened. I don't know. There is no other way to explain it. Whatever... I guess we will see what happens.

11:21pm:  Eugh. Life sucks sometimes. Like when it throws you something half decent but you can't take it because you don't want to hurt anyone else in the process. Jesus. Why do I care? I don't know. I can't help it. I don't like being hurt so why would I want to hurt someone else? Fuck you life. Fuck you.

On the other hand doesn't it seem like once one starts heading towards you all the rest do? Whats up with that?

8:02pm: I went to bed at 12:20 last night to wake up promptly at 3:00am wide awake and ready to conquer the world. Well, I couldn't fall asleep anyway. So I sat there thinking. About everything. Eh.

Last night Tyler texted me and asked me if I wanted to drink with him, Jackie, and Dillon. "Well of course!" I said because I haven't hung out with my brother since we lived up to Moxie and I never turn down a chance to get drunk. So we went loopin'. FOr those of you that don't live in the boondocks that just means we drove around and drank. I never realised what a lightweight Jackie is! I mean I have my days but I thought she would be able to outdrink me. I was having a good night though and downed way more than anyone else. Anyway, we stopped to pee at the intersecting road out in Concord. Jackie and I were peeing when all of the sudden Tyler started yelling "Car! Car!" So I wiped and pulled my pants up as quickly as possible. Jackie on the other hand pulled the front of her pants up so her butt was still hanging out and ran! And where did she run? right into the headlights of our vehicle so just as the car passed anyone in it had a clear view of Jackie's ass. And on top of that when we got into the car Jackie told us that when she was running she was still peeing!!! Lmao. I still laugh out loud a little when I think about it. It was a good night really. I learned that Dillon also believes in abortion and Jackie doesn't and that Obama is also Dillon's choice for presidential candidate. I caught up on some of the town gossip, and laughed most of the night.

At one point Jackie and Tyler told us a story about how they saw an animal running up route sixteen one day and Jackie said, "Look it's a donkey!" and Tyler just laughed at her because it was  a deer.

Then she decided she needed to tell Dillon a story. We were out at pleasant ridge and she goes "we were on our way to your house(which is in Moscow no where near pleasant ridge!) and we saw a deer on that bank!"
Dillon: On that bank? (he looked out the window) Why were you up here if you were on the way to my house?
Jackie: Noooo. Tyler you tell the story!
Tyler: We were on our way to your house and we saw a deer on that bank on route sixteen.
Jackie: Yeah in they daylight!!
Dillon:(sarcastically) Yeah Jackie that is why you hunt deer at night 'cause they don't usually come out in the day! (obviously he was sarcastic becuase it is illegal to hunt at night. I don't know if Jackie got it though)
Jackie: Yeha but it was like he was waiting for us.
Tyler: yes. He was standing there holding a piece of card board with our names on it likethe people at the airport do.

Haha. Yeah. I just had a realy good time. And I'm supposed to drink with Tyler and Jackie on friday. I don't know if we are still going to but that is the plan right now.

At one point Dillon reached over and and kind of squeezed my side in that affectionate kind of way. I took one look at him and said "if you ever touch me again I will break your fucking arm!" serious as can be. I think he was shoked becuase he is used to having girls fall all over him but I only allow people to touch me A) if I am completely hammered(Example: pirate party) or B) if they are special. (example: Matt) and very few people fit in the B category. Dillon looked at Tyler and said "she really is your sister" and Tyler laughed and said "I think she likes you man!" Obviously he wasn't serious. Sarcasm also runs in the family. Which brings me to... Jackie sayin that Tyler and I have similar personalities. Which I never noticed and am still pretty sure that we aren't that similar, but maybe. More so now than we ever used to be anyway. Now that my outgoing side is starting to show up. Mom said she thinks Jackie is right because Tyler is more sensitive than he lets on and I am crazier than I allow people to know. So I guess she was kind of right. 

Anyway I am off to shower...

8:04pm:  I'm thinking about joining AmeriCorp. Seriously thinking about. Like, planning on taking a year off from school, thinking about it. Well, if I were to get accepted. I guess they get something like 4 applications for every open spot, but they also end up taking about 50% of their waitlisted people. So I dont' know. I want to. I'm thinking about running it past my mother when I go home just to see what she thinks. I know it shouldn't matter, I'm 20, I should just make my own desicions but I want to know what she thinks. I mean she has been helping me pay for school. I get loans defered though, and if I were to complete it I could get like a 4,000 dollar scholarship. Now if I fail out of school this semester, then I will defenitely do it. Or try to. We'll see what happens I guess. Kassie says she could see me doing it. I want to. I really do. 

But for now I have to write a peace studies papar and study for my bio exam tomorrow. :-(

10:58pm:  As I get away with more, and our time goes by slowly unnoticed, the braver I get. The more I enjoy it. The more I would like to see how much more I can get away with. It is that rebelious nature that is built into people, and that adrenaline rush that I love so much. I am only building myself a very very very deep hole that I am surely going to be tossed into one day. More than likely one day soon. We'll see. If I stop here, the hole should only be up to midcalf... lets hope this is where I stop. I should learn to make good desicions. We'll see kids.

12:10pm:

I am so sick. I have a horrible cold and next week it will have had it for about a month. It doesn't help that every time I start to get better I party and throw all kinds of horrible things into my body. Yeah...

Pirate Party was fun.  Of course. I'm a little pissed at myself though. I'm a horrible person sometimes and a horrible friend. I need stronger morals. Actually, I need morals in general.

I can't wait for friday. Spring break starts and for my first week I am going to stay in Unity with Loretta and Emma. Then my second week I'm just going to go home. My plans aren't as exciting as some peoples like I'm not going to Guatemala or whatever but Unity is good enough for me. Haha I love it.

11:45pm:  I watched Across the Universe today. It was one of the best movies I have seen in a long time, maybe ever. It was just amazing. First of all, Beatles songs! I mean it is completely done in Beatles songs. Its amazing. Second, the actors are great and have exceptional voices. Third, I think it really captures that 60's feel (not that I was there to experience it but you know). It is a love story of course but it has all this stuff in it that makes it so much better. Like the war. You can really feel people's hatred for having a war that really wasn't needed, you see the fear in people when they were drafted, the drugs of course, the need to feel independent and on your own. I don't know. I just finished watching it and was like "wow." I want to buy it. I want to watch it again. I could watch it over and over I think. 

Apparently the director is the same lady that did the Lion King for broadway. Apparently she had a private screening with just Paul McCartney and during it he was singing to the lyrics under his breath!! Can you imagine being there to hear that? I would die. And at the end she asked him if there was anything he didn't like and he said, "whats not to like?" To have his approval must be one of the best feeling in the world. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Paul McCartney liked it and she got to hear him sing under his breath!! I guess Ringo and Yoko Ono enjoyed it when they saw it as well.

You tell me it's the institution
well you know
you better free your mind instead

I wish the people of today were as free as the people of the 60's. Or the young people of the 60's anyway. I wish we all stood up for what we believe in. I wish we weren't meshed into one big working unit. I feel like we've all really conformed since then, myself included. I suppose this makes me a hypocrite. How do we get away from it though? I would love for us all to get away from it.

10:19pm:  Tonight was like a test. The conclusion? I still get butterflys when I see your face. It sucks.

11:21am: They  changed the time of the mother fucking game from 7 to 6. This sucks. I am almost positive we would go if it were still at 7 but now I'm not sure if we will. I guess it depends on what time Ryan gets here. We were planning on leaving at 5:30 though so if he got here at 5 we could prob. still make it but be like a half hour late. I hope Amy can talk him into going. I really want to. I haven't seen one of Emma and Loretta's games this year. I'm pissed. I hate the snow.

10:07am:  Sometimes I feel like I have everyone snowed. There are so many people that think I am confident and don't care about what others think, but this isn't always true. It is sooo much more true than it used to be. I've worked really hard to get to where I am and the majority of the time I don't care about what others think, but I have my moments. My moments when I just don't want people to hear what I am saying becuase I don't want to sound stupid, or look at me because I'm having an I-feel-gross day and I just don't want people to see that. So do the most confident of all people have these days too? Or am I poser? 

I really don't care about what people think of me for the most part. I have my beliefs and other people are absolutely able to have theirs, I don't have a problem with that, but I don't want you to force your opinion on me. If I don't like something, I'm going to let you know. Hell chances are if I don't like you I'm going to let you know. I do make a few exceptions, like with James, because Jess is one of my closest friends and I don't want to hurt her, but for the most part I'm not going to pretend to like you if I don't. I've told a number of people that I don't like them, seriously don't like them. I also know that I'm not going to change my opinion or the way I act for any person, whether it be a new friend who doesn't like it or a guy. I'm me and I'm not changing. But I still always have those days. When people look at me the wrong way and I get all self conscious. Huh... I dont' know.

5:10pm: I'm sick of hearing about all this loved dovey crap.
I'm jealous, I don't know, but it makes me sick.
It irritates me and grinds on me and just pisses me off.

And I'm sick of seeing Candy, pretty much, living the life I used to live. 
That pisses me off too. 
Its like she is taking over my place because she can deal with the immaturity that these guys put out into the world.
I have never once judged either of you so stop expecting me to.
Especially YOU. 
Remember me?
The person you told everything too 'cause you knew I wouldn't judge you.
I guess you forgot about me.

Oh and I can tell Emma feels pushed away too.
We have been talking more than ever since New Years.
Which is great.
I love Emma and I'm really happy that we are getting closer, but that doesn't make up for what I am losing.
And I'm not going to pretend to be someone that I am not just to make you happy.
I will continue to speak my mind whether that pisses your boyfriend or you off, or not. 
I don't care. 
I stopped caring a long time ago and I'm not going to start just 'cause you want me too.

Whatever. 
Fuck you both.

11:48am:  I woke up this morning with a pirate bandaid on my right arm, a giant circular bruise on my left, and a pair of pants and flipflops in my bag that aren't mine. It was kind of a crazy night. I kind of got sick all over Rachel's floor. I probably shouldn't drink 100 proof whiskey again but we all do things that we shouldn't.

10:24am:  No matter what, guys are always going to want the Vickery Rendalls of the world.

3:08pm:

I feel like bricks underwater.

I feel like I'm losing everyone who has ever been important in my life. 
And it may look like they are being replaced with others but when you really look, they aren't.
The people I have now are nothing like the people I have had in my life.
I miss those people.
And the worst thing is, when we talk we act like things are the way they used to be.
They aren't though.
I don't know if they ever will be.
Maybe with a few people, like Loretta, but not with Jeri. 
It was bad last semster, but it has gotten worse during this one.
We're losing each other and I feel like she doesn't care.
Or maybe she does but she is like me and just doesn't say anything.
I guess I will just go on pretending.