It sucks when your baby is finally sleeping after an hour long scream fest, but you can't slow your head down enough to relax.

I am so tired. Tiiiiiiired. Exhausted even, and my body is starting to protest with aches and pains. Not sleeping is so not an option for me, and yet here I am.

I feel like my daughter deserves better but I can't give it to her. The crazy is back in my head and it is not good.

I have been a mom for 6 months!



Elsie sits up unassisted, rolls in all directions (including across our living room to chase the cat), pushes herself up onto her head and feet in some sort of baby yoga move, says "buah," "geeeeeee," and "dahhh," loves the water (bath water, ocean water, pool water and cold spring water), eats sweet potato and drinks sips of water from a sippy cup, sleeps in her crib all night, and is smiley smiley smiley.

I am sure my LJ is getting quite tedious with pictures of a cute baby, interrupted occasionally by whines about PPD, but I promise to make an effort to start posting real posts.

Thanks to Estelle for this link.



Go to the site and you can read all about the facts behind the statements made in this film.

I've been rather busy.





On Sunday we leave for Florida for a visit with family. Send us calm baby vibes, cause we have a train ride, then a flight, then a layover, then a flight, then a rental car.....

The past couple weeks have seen me realize that my brain is still functioning. This is excellent because I was beginning to worry that the placenta had really eaten my brain. I blame the placenta for all these things, not the baby, as the placenta is what produces many of the preggo hormones. I discovered this through several meetings with my advisor and school colleagues in which I first created my work for myself by thinking of useful variables to compute in one of our big ass data files, then by reducing that work by thinking of ways to combine some of those variables. I also finished a draft of one of the two papers I am working on with my advisor (both of which have already been submitted, and rejected, by at least one journal already), and am almost finished with another draft of my dissertation proposal. Whoa, right? I didn't think I'd ever be up to this stuff again. It makes me feel happy and more myself to be a smartass again - funny how integral to my identity this is.

Also, major insanity is about to begin of the summer family vacation variety, so if I don't post as much that is why.

And, just because I can't post ANYTHING that doesn't involve my child and how fucking ridiculously adorable she is....

Sitting up:

\

With E in our apartment complex pool:

Today Elsie sat up, unassisted, for about 5 seconds. She refused a favorite toy and stole the remote out of my hand. Also, her right bottom front tooth is this close to popping through the gum.

Where is my squishy little lump of baby love?

Our little one had her 4 month appointment yesterday. She is growing and changing so much it is just plain crazy. She is still on the small side - 30% percentile for weight (12 lbs 15 oz, 24 inches), but she makes up for this in feistyness.

Some highlights:

Copious drooling + buzzy lip noises



The beginnings of mobility



Feet, discovered and eaten



Ice cubes are delicious



Reading rocks

I am almost done. I just have exams to grade and final grades to compute. Then I am done with teaching until the fall. I can relax and spend the summer with my baby.

Holy shit, I can't wait.

So this was not a fluke.

My fricking cycles are effing short now! Seriously, they have been 24 days then 22 days, it totally sucks and I hope it doesn't continue.

I can't believe my baby is not four months old and I've had THREE visits from Auntie Flo and her buddies The Cramps.

Seriously, the meds worked so much faster this time then they did in the past. This is probably situational - at that time I was really, no REALLY, in a bad bad space in so many ways. In a fairly destructive relationship, I had crappy asshole of a psychiatrist who said weird things and asked weird questions, I was realizing I hated my grad program and at my wits end as to what to do about that.... lots of shitty shit. Now, things are actually good in my life. I am with E who is wonderful and amazing and supportive, I am happier in my chosen career. Many things are good in my life. The fucked up shit in my head is really just fucked up shit in my head. There is no basis in reality for any feeling of desparation or sadness. I mean, sure, becoming a parent opened up some old wounds for me. I have things to work through, and like every new parent I have a major adjustment to make in order to be a good mommy to the little tyrant in my home.

In any case, I finally feel like I may be settling into a nice Mommy groove. The wee one's sleep is still shitty but we are dealing with that. She is probably going to be transitioning out of our bed and into her crib sometime this week. I am truly beginning to suspect that she and I may both sleep better that way. Her naps are way better though - this post is evidence of that - and although she changes every single day I think we are starting to get a grip on her personality and what she needs.

She is overwhelmed in loud group situations and her reaction to that is to scream and
carry on. If she is removed from an overwhelming situation she requires a lot of one on one attention in order to calm down. We were at a lovely party this weekend and we both had to take time to sit with her and calm her down repeatedly. We basically just should never make plans to do anything after 5pm the involves her because it is a lost cause. Unless she is home in a very calm space she starts to lose it and is often in bed asleep before 7pm. She is really noticing everything in the greater world now and it is all very exciting. She watches the cats run around. We have to turn off the TV completely or she will crane her neck around to check out the noise. She is impossible to nurse in public. She is also really cute and smart and smiley much of the time. She can roll from front to back and does some army crawling around her blanket. She lifts her whole head and chest up with her arms. She discovered the raspberry noise last week and is working it hard, spraying a fine mist of spit around her world.

I finally feel like I can be a mom to her and am not so frustrated that I can't see straight.

So yeah, I saw an Appropriate Medical Professional this morning and she agreed with me that my post partum depression symptoms needed some serious intervention. I sort of hate it, and I wish we had the cash for me to see an acupuncturist often enough to fix things that way. I know it would probably work just as well but it is so fucking expensive. Pharmaceuticals are way cheaper.

Since I've had so many comments from folks who relate so strongly to how I've been feeling it seems like I need to give a more detailed explanation of what is going on in this head of mine. I have been having a lot of feelings that my daughter would be better off without me and scary impulsive thoughts toward her when she is being difficult. I feel so detached from her - like I don't love her the way that I should, and that there is something wrong with me as a mother. The lack of motivation and anxiety I've had around being a parent, my dissertation and other things going on is another serious issue. When E and I talked things over this past week I put all these things together in my head and realized how much this shitty shit has currently taken over my life. That is when I finally got my act together and made that call.

I spent several years on antidepressants after a serious episode of major depression accompanied by crushing anxiety. I went off them in order to try and conceive. I find it ironic that I have now come full circle - I'm done trying to conceive, and I'm back on the sauce.

How the heck did that happen?

She gets more alert every single day and has really started to notice the world. She has finally noticed the presence of our cats, and is totally fascinated by them.

She still hates riding in the car, and this means that we take public transportation more then we used to. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that I feel somewhat trapped as riding alone in the car with her is utter hell - she screams inconsolably if no one is in the back seat with her. Seriously, on Friday we went to have a picnic with a few other moms and babies from our breastfeeding group and she cried the entire way there, and the entire way back. My new definition of hell is being stuck on the beltway with a baby who is screaming at the top of her lungs. That horrible scream that just sounds like she is in pain or something. She isn't, she just hates the car. She is a green baby and prefers the train.

Here she is all bundled up for a walk and ride on metro with E.



She still really likes her pacifier. We are ok with this as we see the binky as another tool to help soothe our little one.



However, she has also discovered fingers.



She is starting to become a bit mobile. She lifts her legs up, and throws herself to the side to turn and have a different view. It takes her awhile, but she can turn 360 degrees. Here she is stuck against a cabinet.



She doesn't tolerate being on her tummy much so I think she may invent some unique method of getting from point a to point b without crawling. She is so cute and aware though, and even though I'm a sad mommy right now and having trouble dealing with the world and my own shit - she is just fine.

I have an appointment on Tues with an appropriate medical professional.

E is working from home tomorrow, Friday, and Monday.

Off I go to bed to attempt to get a reasonable amount of sleep. Please send good sleep vibes to our little one, who has slept badly for several nights in a row.

Not so good.

- Not ONE of the referred therapists on either list is a provider for our insurance.
- We are broke.
- I think I need meds but I HATE THAT.
- Baby is not sleeping.

I am so so so so tired.

I just want to curl up.

Don't worry.

I have a referral list. Now I just have to make more phone calls.

I hate phone calls.

This depression/anxiety/fucked up in the head/pathetic loser thing I have going on is no good. As many of you know, I have a major history with these demons and so have some metaunderstanding of my own neurotic fuckedupness.

It is SO MUCH WORSE to be feeling this way when an innocent child is in my care. I can't just wallow in my own crap. I have to stay somewhat on the ball for her. I HAVE to. Trouble is, I don't want to. I want to curl in my bed and not move. I want to withdraw from the world and ignore everything. She and E are sleeping right now and I am lonely. I want my partner. I wonder how long they'd sleep if I didn't wake them? I wonder how long it would take someone in this world to notice my silence.

Probably a long ass time.

This is not a healthy line of thinking. Not. At. All.

I saw my therapist on Wed and she told me that although I've been seeing her for years that PPD is way out of her expertise (which is more in the area of PTSD) and that I needed to call my midwives and get referred. Did I call them? No. I procrastinated, aren't I just brilliant.

It is 2am and everyone else in my house is sleeping. I am having trouble sleeping these days and it is seriously no good. My baby is currently a good sleeper (only wakes once a night, sometimes sleeps for 7 hours in a row...) so this is just plain ridiculous but my brain is just not slowing down.

I'm not sure what is going on with me these days. I am totally and completely unmotivated with my dissertation and mad at myself about that. For fucks sake, I have to write the damn thing and be done with it. I have to finish SOMETHING in my life. If I can get on the ball this week I should be able to propose this semester - if I don't propose this semester I am pretty sure I won't be able to until the fall because of faculty being out of town and/or otherwise engaged during the summer. This pushes my graduation out until May of 2009. FUCK. Anyway there is nothing to be done about that except for me to sit my ass down and WRITE. Elsie goes to sleep 95% of the time at 7pm and sleeps until 10 or so. I should be writing for at least 1/2 of that time. uggggggghhhh.

Parenthood has opened up some childhood wounds, I think. Wounds that are ugly and that I thought were mostly healed. It is like I can see them so much more clearly and my heart hurts. You know, there is this understanding in our culture that the non-birthing parent may be jealous of the new baby for a variety of reasons. With us, it is the opposite. Ezra is an amazing parent, so loving and wonderful to Elsie. She is playful and affectionate and incredibly patient. She lavishes loving attention on her. I am so fucking jealous sometimes I can't stand it. I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on with this and realized that it is because I was so emotionally neglected as a kid. Ezra is the single person who has consistently loved me and showed it in my entire life. Once we were seriously romantically involved and not just screwing around, she has been so devoted and just wonderful. I could act like a total ass, or be stupid depressed and very diffcult to be around and none of it mattered. She still loved me and wanted to be around me. As a kid there were always complications and always reasons why my parents could not be there for me. My brothers both had serious medical problems and it was all my very narcissistic parents could do to keep up with them. So I see E with e and get jealous for two reasons: 1) I am jealous because no one loved me like that when I was a kid and 2) I am secretly worried that her love for the baby has somehow replaced some of her love for me.

Don't worry - we talked about all this and she gets it. She is not neglecting me. We have managed to get some of our intimacy back and that has helped. But for crying out loud how fucked up is it for me to be jealous of my own baby? The baby who I am nursing, and who grew in my body. The baby who now smiles with her whole body and knows my voice and quiets when she hears me coming. I'm still jealous and resentful. I don't love breastfeeding like I thought I would and she is so needy sometimes I almost can't take it. I feel evil cause I can't wait until she is ready to eat some solids and not be entirely dependent on me. I worry that I will never love her properly because no one loved me. I worry about that every single day.

There is always the spectre of PPD staring me down. It is hard for me to tell right now how I feel most of the time and I still feel kind of numb. Maybe this is what my problem is? On the other hand maybe I'm just lazy as hell and would rather sit on my ass all day then get anything done? I don't know, but I wish I could sleep.

Totally got my period this morning. I am NINE freaking weeks post partum, y'all, and exclusively breastfeeding. This is so not fair.

Blech.

Evidence:

Look at the smiles!!!!



They sleep this way every night.



I am just a set of lactating boobs.

Here is a picture we took of Elsie last weekend (she is 2 months old now) and a similar pic of me when I was just a couple weeks older.



Whadda ya think?