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Monday, September 12th, 2005
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11:25 am - My Sister Fuckin' Drummer
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New song to play at the garden thing. What a stupid thing. How I got roped into it I have no idea. This one's called "My Sister Fuckin' Drummer"
I always thought the guy was boring
Now I find out the bastard's scoring
How he does it I'd really like to know
He's a guy that's got nothing good to show
Now he's always gone and 'e just wants to kiss her
My boring-ass drummer is fuckin' my sister
All I did was ask him to feed the cat
Now I find out he's feeding more than that
I did my time and when I was free
I learn my sister's fuckin' Tatsunori
Ohhh Mori Tatsunori I don't know how it started
But now I can't seem to get you two parted
You're connected at the bad parts and I just can't make it stop
And what makes it worse: my sister's on top
Fuckin' Tatsunori is a sister fuckin' fuck
Thoughts of him fuckin' make me want to upchuck
Fuck fuck fuck you sister fuckin' fuck
You bangin' my sister was just fuckin' luck
Ohhh my sister's got a fetish and its ugly nerdy fucks
He thinks that he's a jock but at tennis he just sucks
She's got a scruffy fetish and she likes his messy hair
I wonder if her fetish still applies down there
Mori Tatsunori: The sister fucking fuck
You may think I care, but I don't give a fuck
Good luck with her, just keep on truckin'
I think we all know I'm rhyming that with fuckin'
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
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9:57 pm - This fucking sucks, my life is over.
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| Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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8:44 am - Head of Lettuce
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Oh man. So apparently hot chicks are reading my journal! Well, they at least read all the posts that they hate. Either way, I figured I'd better educate myself about those dirty meat farms if I ever want to score with mega-hot chicks. So I did what every guy who aspires to be a rockstar would do. Me 'n Mori got together and wrote some lyrics. I'm on guitar and vocals and Mori is on drums. We SUCK, but we don't really care. Anyway, here's how the song goes. It's called "Head of Lettuce."
You think that it's wrong, to eat a little meat
But I must oppose, I think that it's neat
But girl your rack, it's just so sweet
So I say to you, girl, we just must compete
For you I'll eat a leaf, you know that it's true
And all that I ask is that you change some too
I'll eat up your garden and vegetable stew
Now you eat my meat! I've saved it for you!
(chorus)Head! ...of lettuce! Head! ...of lettuce! Just give me some head! ...of lettuce!
....Yeah, that's about as far as we got in composing the song. From there we just started jamming for like, half an hour and occasionally yelled out 'Head! ...of lettuce!' By the way, in that part of the song, I yell "head," and Mori adds "of lettuce." I wonder if I should mention that Fernando was on backup vocals, cuz she was yelling her head off since I've been letting her into the garage while we jam. Yeah, so I'm out. Eat me, veggie bitches!
Peace,
Uchimura
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| Sunday, August 7th, 2005
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11:03 pm - Save a Horse?
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Geez. Sorry for being MIA so long. There were issues involving my parole that I'd rather not talk about.
First off, I've been hacked or something! I don't know where the fuck this chili dog icon came from, but I blame Mori. I keep seeing him over at my house while I'm not home. I like, come home from helping those old bitches all day and he's leaving the house! Don't think I don't see you! Cocksucker Mori. Lonely mother fucker can't talk to his family or something, so he has to come and talk to mine.
So yeah, I read about this Save a Horse; Ride a Cowboy bullshit. I already know I can't make it because parties are strictly forbidden (I'm grounded) but I really don't care to go anyway. It reminds me of the party I went to a couple years ago.
One of my older friends threw this party because he was so pissed off at those tree-hugging hippies protesting the killing of cows for meat. So my friend threw this party that he called the "Fuck the Cows; I Eat Meat" party. Long story short: The party was overrun with these animal raping fucks and a bunch of faggots. It was that day that I decided to never go to a themed party again.
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| Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
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8:29 pm - Prison changes a man....
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I'm finally out of the slammer. I've done my time. Prison is hell. BUT! Guess what!? I had bitches! That's right, these two other kids were my bitches! See, the first day in there, I pretended to stab Mori, then I told people that he was being taken off to the hospital wing. So these two dudes were just incredibly submissive. They like, brought me shit. It was cool. Granted, there was usually no stuff to bring me, but still, they could've.
Still, it sucked ass. The police guys were nice enough I guess. They let me try to use my one phonecall usually a couple times a day. I just wish the call would've fuckin' gone through! Somebody needs to get Mom off the phone once in a while. She claims she was never on the phone because she was 'waiting to hear from me because she was concerned.' What a load of shit.
But prison changes a man.... NOT! It just changes the shit I gotta do! Like I'm on probation or some shit like that. I have to do stuff for old people now. Not only old people, but also FAT people! That's right! Greasy, gelatin-like fatasses! I have to do stuff for this one fat guy that is bigger than my fuckin' house. I do stuff for him because he can't LEAVE the house! Damn people are stupid! There's also this crazy nutbag. I have no witnesses, but I swear to other people's gods that he bit me! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow for my rabies shot. Just in case.
Why is it that when I get home everything is all weird though? Neesan has been really friendly to me. I thought she was gonna kick my ass for gettin' thrown in the slammer. She pretty much kicks my ass for everything. Not that she CAN kick my ass, but she tries to. But it's weird. All day today she was walking around whistling Metallica's "Enter Sandman." In the shower she was singing some other song. I don't know the song though. A little help here? She said "I don't know what your name is. I don't know what your name is. I wanna take you tonight." Beats the hell out of me, but she was singin' it in the shower.
Even Fernando is acting all nice. She's all loving and shit. And speaking of shit, she even smells better than I'd remembered! Weird shit, yo.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 18th, 2005
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8:14 pm - Summer
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Not only am I soon to be the best player on Fudoumine's tennis team, but soon enough I'm going to be the richest as well! My mom got me a summer job! Granted, I have no idea what this job is and what it'll require, but still. She just called in some favors and got me a job. She swears she'll tell me what the job is once she's off the phone, but who knows when that'll be.. I've already been waiting for four hours, and I'm about ready to go to bed. Maybe I'll try to catch her tomorrow mor-
No way.
Shit! She just walked in, cupped the receiver, and told me: "You're gonna be working at your school. Cleaning rooms up, helping teachers move stuff in/out, setting up computers, etc." God, this sucks! And I doubt I'll be making the money that my dad makes... What a crock.
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| Sunday, June 12th, 2005
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2:38 pm - I'M SOME SORT OF HERO!
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Oh man. I rock so hard. So I'm sittin' in my room playing with Fernando, when suddenly she wants to look out my window. So I open the curtains and let her look out, when suddenly I notice something odd across the street. The lady across the street is cooking some sort of noodles and she's wearing one of those umm. I don't know the word. Well, it was basically a really skimpy tank-top. So I'm like "hells yes!" and I grab a pair of binoculars from my closet. So now me and Fernando are lookin' out the window.
So I'm watchin' her, when suddenly I realize. She's SMOKIN'! Not as in super hot (but she was). Not as in smoking a cigarette (but she was). No, more in the sense that her kitchen had caught fire. So I'm like "oh man, I hope her shirt catches fire and she has to take it off!" and then I had a second thought of "oh wait, her fuckin' kitchen is on fire!" It looked like it was getting pretty bad too, so I rushed out to grab the phone and call the fire department. I pick up the phone and hear... grandma. Mom was on the phone. I yelled that it was an emergency and that I needed the phone, so my mom walks down the hallway, smacks me upside the head and says "Don't yell when your grammy's on the phone! You'll give her a heart attack!"
So I well, I got desperate. I e-mailed the fire department. I'm not sure if it went through and I kinda assume that somebody else called the fire department, but it was time for me to take action! They'd NEVER get there in time to save that lady and her massive jugs! So I open up my window and me and Fernando race off to save her. We jump out and race over there and kick in the door. She's running around choking from no oxygen and her shirt catches on fire, so she takes it off and chucks it outside. Fernando rolls on her shirt until the fire goes out, but meanwhile me and the topless MILF break out into the backyard until the fire department comes.
I rule.
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, June 4th, 2005
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11:37 am - Softball team
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Okay, everybody out there, listen up. It's official: I'm starting up a coed softball team. So far it's just me, Mori, and probably Ishida that are on the team, but it isn't just a Fudoumine thing. Anybody can join, so if you want me to sign you up on my team, just comment here. We don't even start practicing for a while, but sign up asap!
Oh, and just so you all know, signing up on my team is like signing up on the first place team. I ROCK at baseball, and softball is even easier than baseball!
And don't any of you even THINK of forming your own team. My team will CREAM your team.
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| Saturday, May 28th, 2005
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3:07 pm - Random Comments
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I'm not sure what Fernando just ate, but it didn't look eatable. I think she's retarded.
Somebody at school got in trouble for bringing a knife to school, but I think he got off easy by making some claim that he only had it to cut up his lunch. He was just sent home early. I think he stabbed someone on the way home, but I have no proof.
Mori is a faggot.
There's a softball league starting up sometime soon. I'm going to try to start a team. Anyone wanna join the team? We need lots of players, and it's coed.
Coed is a good word.
Teachers need to give less homework around graduation time. Our grades have been decided for quite a while now, but they still give papers and stuff. It's just annoying that now I don't fear my grade lowering, it's just that the teachers make more comments like "If you don't turn this paper in or you don't take it seriously, then so be it, I'll kick you out of this class!" I'm pretty sure they can't do that, but I'm too lazy to look it up and see if it's legal.
The other day a phone solicitor called up. He was selling some weird product I've never heard of before. Long story short: I handed the phone to my mom (who I'm now calling 'The Phone Wizard') and she actually convinced him to buy some of our old kitchenware and quit his job.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, May 21st, 2005
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4:02 pm - So hot
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| Monday, May 16th, 2005
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2:49 pm - I LOVE MY SCHOOL
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Okay, so at first I was pretty upset at my recent assignment. Yeah, go out and advertise LIPSTICK! Talk about a shit job... At least that's what I thought at first. I was out there for about three hours today.
Hour One: Me: "Excuse me, ma'am, but would you like this flyer about lipstick? It's umm, good."
Hour Two-Three: (this is where it gets good... after a run-in with my sister I managed to procure a bit of lipstick) "Excuse me, ma'am, this lipstick which I am sampling for you (...no comment) is the absolute best lipstick known to man. I say that because I know all men like the FEEL of this lipstick. Would you like to test it?"
So in the long run, I kept a tally, and I made out with seventeen horny school girls! ....also one old lady, but it was for a good cause... actually, I was caught on my experiment, and one of my teachers walked by and asked if I was really using that strategy, and I said 'of course' so I think she sent in a plant to see. So yeah, she stood and watched while the old lady came by and well... yeah... The great thing about it all was the praise I got from my teacher. She watched the old lady personally sign up for six tubes of lipstick... Do they come in tubes? Bah, I don't know what the real name is. I was just glad so many chicks were so willing (cough -fuckin' retarded and gullible as hell) to do it... Wonder when my teacher'll let me advertise condoms... *wink wink*
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 8th, 2005
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1:54 pm - It's not over!
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| Sunday, May 1st, 2005
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12:25 pm - Umm.... oops?
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I have horrible news. See, I've never exactly checked, and today I learned something fairly awkward. Fernando is kind of.... a girl kitty. Guess I should've paid better attention to things like that. Even the vet must've assumed I knew. I just thought she was retarded. She was all, "Your kitty, umm, Fernenda- I'm sorry, this handwriting is atrocious, is fine." Hmm...
See, I found that all out today when Neesan came into my room and started playing with Fernando and asked me, "So what's her name anyway?" to which I said, "It's a boy actually, and his name is Fernando." So then she's like, "Cats aren't birds, then don't just retract!" and then lifted Fernando up to give me a nice, long, inches from my nose, look at Fernando's underside.
...I'm just glad I found out before Fernando got pregnant. That would've been an awkward situation. Oh well. Poor Fernando, since as it turns out, I'm still calling her Fernando.
Peace,
Uchimura
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 22nd, 2005
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11:47 pm - Out with a bang
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I'm sure glad that party was good, cuz I'm grounded as hell. All week my dad has been forcing me to clean up after the party and the fight and stuff. You know, I've been thinking about it all week and I have no answer for it. What the hell was I fighting about? Does anybody know? Not that it matters, I had a score to settle with him anyway. I won the fight, right? Somebody back me up. Sure he got some good shots in there, but I did okay too, right?
Oh well, I met a couple ladies at the party, and therefore it was a good night. And now I'm being forced into more chores.
Peace,
Uchimura
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| Friday, April 15th, 2005
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11:02 am - My sister's friends are weird
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My sister and her friends are starting to get really annoying. They follow me 'n Mori around EVERYWHERE. And sometimes when we'll make comments to each other they make this weird "squee!" noise. And come to think of it, her friends aren't at our house a whole heck of a lot, but the last like, five times I've had Mori over, she had her friends over. Wow. That's crazy.
Oh my god. I think I've figured it out! Mori must be famous! I don't know why he'd be famous, but I can't think of any other reasons. He's not like, hot, is he? Ladies and fags help me out here. Man, that's crazy.
Peace,
Uchimura
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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2:58 pm
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| Saturday, April 2nd, 2005
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8:55 pm - Huh?
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It's pretty weird. My inbox is full of messages from girls that go to my school. Why is it that the subject line of like, all of them involve Mori? That's kind of strange. First off, I'm not sure how all these girls got my email, and second of all, Mori has his own email. Why don't they just email him? Oh well.
Let's see. In other news, I think I'm going to take Fernando on a walk sometime soon. We've practiced around the room enough, I think he's ready for the real thing. He's also ready for a bath. Man, he smells horrible.
Neesan sure is getting annoying with this whole blackmail thing. She keeps adding things on to my sentence. Weird things. Things like "pose for a picture with Mori." See? Things keep going back to Mori! It's weird. But with all these things she's forcing me to do, I'm about ready to just tell my parents about Fernando. I'm really not worried about how Mom would react. Hell, she never gets off the phone. I don't think I can tell her. I'm just afraid Fernando will run around and Mom will try to kill him thinking he's a wild animal. Dad on the other hand would probably kill me if he knew I had an animal running around here, messing up the place. I'd tell you all what my dad does for a living, but I'm under direct orders to never speak of it if I want to live.
Oh great. Neesan's friends are at the door. I gotta go get washed up before they see me. I think I might have a chance with a couple if 'em if you know what I mean.
Peace,
Uchimura
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| Saturday, March 19th, 2005
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8:40 pm - The secret is out
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Hey guys. It's time for some life updates here. I'll start with the tennis related business.
Tennis buisness, I just wanted everybody to know that Sakurai is getting really good. I played doubles with him today. We basically swapped partners, so it was me and Sakurai versus Mori and Ishida. It was a strange match since doubles players tend to learn their partners' strategies. So in the long run, I sealed Mori, Mori sealed me, Sakurai sealed Ishida, and Ishida sealed Sakurai. Still, there's no way to completely seal any of us. Especially me. I'm working on a new move to go along with my front kill strategy.
( Private )
( Cut for length )
Peace,
Uchimura
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| Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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3:51 pm - Mori is such a fag
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Guys, don't ever let Mori touch your stuff. Seriously. He comes over and he's like "Hey Uchimura! You have a crappy video card. I have an old one that's better. You want it?" So I'm all "Yeah, what the fuck ever." So Mori starts tweakin' around in my computer, and then he says those words you never want to hear from soneone that's neck deep in your computer. "Uh oh." He broke some shit in my computer, I really don't care what it was, but it made my computer not work. So it's been a while since I've posted in here because of that. But here, lemme catch you guys up on the past week or so.
Early this week I had a troublesome run-in with that bandana guy from Seigaku. The guy that beat Kamio. Anyway, I won't get into the details, but just know that he's going to kill me when he sees me and I hate Fernando.
Since then I've been doing lots of training with Fernando. We've had a couple practice runs to teach him how to properly go for a walk with his leash. He's finally at the point that he cooperates, so tomorrow I might try taking him out for the real thing. Also, Fernando is learning to use the catbox I bought him the other day (I snuck it in when Mom was in the bath). It works pretty well. I have the box in my closet, and my closet is always cracked enough that he can sneak in. This is also good because that box smells horrible and now I don't have to smell it while I sleep. Then again, the other day one of my shirts fell into it. That was gross. Also a fun story to explain to my mom.
I played a set with Ishida the other day. You wouldn't believe it, but in singles we're pretty evenly matched. I mean, sure he beat me 6-3, but some of those were pretty close games. It turns out Ishida's slow as hell. Can you believe it? I'm thinking of going to the park sometime soon to get some outside practice. I've gotta be ready to take a singles spot for next year's team.
That's really about it for the interesting things lately. The other day I thought I saw two chicks making out, but I was wrong. One was a guy with long hair. Still, the girl was hot. I've gotta go run and get some milk at the store, so I'm out.
Peace,
Uchimura
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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7:26 pm - Why oh why did I take this cat?
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Moments in idiocity. Last night Fernando de la Cama was being very very very loud. Enough that he woke my mom up. I saw the light in the hallway go on, so you know what I did!? I dove out of bed, chucked Fernando inside my closet, kicked my bed post, curled up on the ground and started yelling "Ow ow ow ow" since it sounded like "meow meow meow." My mom believed it, and for good reason. That hurt. Really really bad.
Now I'm trying to think of ways to train Fernando to shut the fuck up. Today on the way home from school I checked out a cat training book at the library. I've only glanced through it since well, I hate reading, but one thing it says is "feed your cat." I may have to try that someday. Also it suggests things like a litter box... that one puts me in quite the predicament. On the one hand, litter smells, so it'd be hard to hide it. On the other hand, it'd certainly be better than using Mori's old magazines (but don't tell him that. He has no idea. I just hope he doesn't bring over current issues, because if Fernando's gotta go, he's gotten pretty good about finding the magazine).
Oh, here's an interesting thing too. There's an article for a cat leash. Do cats like to go on walks? Hrm. Guess I'll stop by the petstore tomorrow and see if they have any there. Maybe he'll shut up if I just walk him a bit. Oh well, gotta go. Mori's at the door. Heh, and the poor bastard brought over one of his magazines. Boy he's in for some news.
Peace,
Uchimura
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