So tired. But okay.

Delays everywhere. I think I was even on the ground in Vladivastock briefly, for some reason that I still don't understand. All that traveling, and it felt like we'd never actually get anywhere. It was amusing to find myself actively wanting to get to the NNA, after all this angst.

I went straight from the omniport to the transport to Solitaire. It was raining, of course. I'm sure it's a rule that travel has to be as hard as possible or one just isn't getting into the spirit of the thing. I felt like a drowned possum. Everyone stared. Bless Jackal for being there, because holding her makes everything better, even being in wet clothes. She didn't even wince, how could I not love that?

Crichton came in later. I was asleep in a booth, and she poked me to ask if I was planning to show up for work one of these days since I seemed to be back in town. "I only just got back an hour ago," I said. "That's okay," she said, "We're not open right now anyway. You can wait until tomorrow."

I have no idea what this is going to be like. Jackal says that every day with Crichton is an adventure, but I think she is being facetious.

I leave Ko tomorrow. My old life is in boxes around me. I cried all day yesterday, packing. Some of the sadness was thinking about the last time I packed like this: putting Jackal's things into storage containers because I didn't want the Facilities people doing it. I didn't want Ko to touch her anymore. I don't even remember most of that, except that it was when I stopped eating for a while.

The rest of the sadness yesterday was for me. I'm leaving home. I want to be with Jackal, and I'll find a way to make a home wherever she is, but first there is this leaving to be done. I feel so lonely.

What is a home? Maybe I don't know anymore. I always thought home was the place where I could close the door and no one could come in. But that was just a dorm, and then an apartment. Then I thought home was the place with people like me, the place where I understood how things worked. That's a different kind of safety. Jackal was always a part of that, she was always going to be. Until... And now I wonder, is it more important to feel safe with a person or a place? Because I don't see how I can be at home on Ko without Jackal, and I don't see right now how I can ever feel safe in the NNA.

I'll have to start with small places and small safeties. Jackal. Scully and Solitaire. And it will be nice to see the cat again. Cats understand about place; it's what they are rooted to. But their people become part of their place. When someone goes away, a cat waits a few days and then decides that their person has been eaten by a predator. I understand that. My person was eaten by a predator too. But she came back.

How morose I've become! Gloomy, just like a proper Scandinavian. I'll be better when I can see Jackal, when I am not rootless anymore.

I met with Gavin Neill today. "How did it go?" Simone asked, which around Ko is code for I'm dying of curiosity, what did you talk about anyway? "Fine," I said, which is code for I'm not telling you a thing, sister. I didn't mean to make her grumpy, I'd be happy to tell her, except I have no idea what to say. Because I have no idea what we talked about or even why. I am beginning to think I'm not cut out for business at all. Let's hope Crichton doesn't find out, I'll be fired before I even start the job.

I went to his office braced for...I don't know, just braced. And also feeling strange because so much has happened since the last time I was here, and so much of that is due to him. I don't know the courtesies for this kind of thing. How do you say, Oh, by the way, thanks for pulling my heart out of the fire? Thanks for giving me my life back?

He invited me in and we sat and he said, "Thank you for making time to see me." One of the things that is so interesting about Neill is that he can make something like that sound as if one truly has a choice about these things.

"Of course," I said. "What can I do for you?"

He leaned back in his chair and clasped his hands on the desk. "I was hoping you'd take a few minutes to tell me your impressions of Solitaire."

"Certainly," I said. "What would you like to know?" Another thing that is interesting is how formal I become in these situations, as if coloring inside the lines of business manners would ever save anyone.

So he asked about the solo community and the watchers. And he seemed very curious about the bar itself, and what it's like to be there. I'll bet I spent twenty minutes talking about a typical evening, how people behave, relating what Jackal's told me about the psychology of these things. And he asked about Jackal too, very careful questions: is she in good health? How is she adjusting?

I said, "Well, she's doing exactly what you taught her to do."

And I wonder, am I too? Am I just doing exactly what they've taught me? Support the Hope. Have I been an excellent, oblivious student all these years?

I asked him if I had been helpful, and he said, "Singular observations are always helpful." I have no idea what he meant by that. I will have to get Jackal to explain it to me.

I suppose it was naive to think I could just come back to Ko. Not sneak in, exactly, but just be...normal. I assumed that I would check in with Simone and she'd have my notice of transfer and maybe throw a team lunch or something. And then I'd pack and get back on the plane for the NNA. It happens ten times a day here. No big deal.

And instead it's a circus. The buzz around Mindscape is huge, and it's not just about Crichton. Everyone connected with the project has become, how would Jackal put it? Highly visible. Even the Ko security person who processed me through the island checkpoint wanted to know how she could get onto the team. Executives stop me in the halls and congratulate me on my new assignment. Simone practically turned herself inside out trying to find the middle ground between "anything you need, Snow" and "why the hell did they choose you, anyway?" And Gavin Neill wants to see me in his office on Monday.

I thought Garbo was supposed to be a big secret. I just don't get business strategy. Marketing is a mystery to me. Mist would have been able to explain it, once she got past the first two minutes of variations on "how can someone not know this?".

The web...I thought I was done grieving, and it turns out I haven't even started. When Jackal was gone, I missed her so much and I was so scared for her, she was all I could think of. Even with the funerals and the publicity and the stares when I went anywhere. But now that it's me who's leaving, now suddenly I miss them all. I see them everywhere. It's like they just died...I keep being surprised and bewildered that they aren't here. I keep wanting to say goodbye.

I leave tomorrow morning for Ko. I'll be gone at least a couple of weeks, who knows? There's so much to do. This is my last evening with Jackal for a while, and she is working, and now it turns out that Estar is at Solitaire painting like...well, like a madwoman. So now on top of everything else I'm scared of right now, I have to be scared of this.

I know she won't hurt me, it's just... What? Maybe it's that I don't like to see her being crazy. It would be better if she wasn't. It makes us all aware that she is a charming monster, when we only want to see the charm.

But I need to be with Jackal more than I need to be comfortable. I need Jackal more than I need to be afraid. That's how it's always been.

The place is starting to come together. Still not much furniture, just a few basics, but there's little point in buying anything until I know what I can bring back. It's a reassignment, they should pay moving expenses, I think...better put that on the very long list of things to find out when I am back on Ko.

My kitchen looks onto the apartment across the alley. I thought I would feel hemmed in, and then today I was up earlier than usual, drinking my morning coffee, and there was such a commotion... whoever lives over there has parrots. It was feeding time, they were all excited and flying around the room. It looked like someone throwing paint. Whirls of color.

And the newsstand down the street is owned by a man from Norway who sells cloudberries! I was so surprised and pleased, it made him smile. He has one of those scandinavian faces that look like ancient trees, solemn and a bit stiff, so when he smiled it was like spring had come, or something.

I'm finding things to like. That's what counts.

Ko, like this huge wave rushing in. I go back on Wednesday and deal with...everything. Crichton promises that it's all arranged, but I can't help feeling like I've just poked a sleeping dragon on the nose.

...is an odd combination.  I can't bear those chemical cleaners so I scrubbed all the floors with white vinegar and water.  And when I went into Solitaire last night, Scully had a bunch of lavender waiting for me.  I can't imagine where in all this wasteland he found it.  He says there's a farmer's market on Saturdays across the canal, not too far.  That would be nice, to have some things fresh instead of all the flash-frozen avfall that Jackal keeps buying.  I don't know why they don't shop there for the bar: the grilled cheese is good but it would go down even more nicely with some lovely fat slices of proper tomatoes, maybe some basil or carmelized onions.

I am now realizing how very very hungry I am.

So, I got the apartment.  I've put down my deposit.  There's a big crack in the living room wall, and the bathtub looks fossilized.  There's only one data port.  But the back room is lovely, I can even see a tree and a bit of sky, and there's enough room in the kitchen to put a little table and chairs, and have people sit and chat while I cook.

It's scary to think about it.  I've been living independently in the dorm on Ko for ages, but this is different (apart from being thousands of miles from everything I know except Jackal).  I'm not used to being surrounded by strangers.  I don't know everyone on Ko, how could I, but they aren't strangers.

I'm going to finish up my systems eval of the Canal Zone subsidiary today or tomorrow, and then take a couple of days to clean and paint.  Jackal offered to help, but I think I want to do this myself.  It's...I don't know.  It's like a new beginning.  Beginnings are important.  It helps if they can be deliberate.  Cleaning is such a basic ritual, but a good one: a way of saying, This is mine.  And if Jackal's going to have her own life with me in it, then I better have my own life too.

I have fallen in love with Mongolian stir fry and the man who makes it.  He's serene.  In the midst of this sometimes-frightening place, his smile is so wide you could take shelter in it.  I'd like to sit on a vegetable crate and watch him all day, feeding people and offering them that smile.  I expect I would learn something unexpected.

I could use some shelter myself.  In less than two weeks I'm supposed to go back to Ko and change my life.  Tell the web I'm leaving, pack whatever I'm allowed, get myself back to the NNA.  We are looking for a place for me to live.  I don't even know what my new job will be, I don't know what to expect on Ko or here.  Honey, I'm going to have to hang onto you tight the next few days.  Hope you can cope.