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Plain White T's - Shine. |
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So I have been thinking about this for a while now and I am still not sure if I really know how to word it or explain it but whatever. So I have always considered my self to be "the nice guy" and tried to stay away from the whole "guys pimping/player" thing. I always wondered why all the jerks got all the girls and why I, the nice guy, was stuck being sad and alone. Well I have been thinking a lot lately and maybe I am not as nice as always told myself I was. the reason? well The more I think about it. Part of the reason I was always "a nice guy" and "non player" is because I simply did not have that many options. Now don't take that the wrong way, thats not to say that I just simply settled for girls I did not care for. I have genuinely cared for a lot of girls but what I am trying to say is that when I think about it now, I cant say with 100% certainty that if I had other hookups at the same time that I wouldn't have taken them. I don't know if thats just my natural guy "get laid at any cost" instinct coming out or if its just the whole "hey you don't get many chances like this, so take it whenever you can get it" thing. Whatever the reason, It's not something a "nice guy" would ever do. Let me set something straight though. I have never cheated on a girlfriend. I do think that is really wrong. I just don't know about things anymore.
I think the other thing that I have realized that makes me not so nice is my relationships with girls. Most of my friends are girls. Thats no problem, we are friends we have fun plain and simple. The problem is in my head though. With (almost) every girl I talk to, I am always thinking in the back of my mind " I wonder if I could hook up with her?" I don't know if that is a normal guy thought or what.. but it dosnet seem like the whole "anti player" mindset. I mean I don't take into account if they have a boyfriend, or if I have known them for a long time or anything. I never reveal these thoughts or try anything (mostly cus I am too shy, also because I am sure that it would just ruin whatever friendships I have) It's like the only reason I want to ever hang out or talk to someone is to "try and get some action" and I don't like that.
I have lost a lot of my friends over the past few years. Not because of that mind set.. but just because of people moving away to college, doing their own things, and also not really caring about me because I guess I was always just the sidekick of another friend who moved away. All of this has led me to have a lot of alone time and hours of boredness just sitting and thinking about my life. All that time has helped me to think about these things and thoughts that I am writing about right now. I am trying to help my self realize that sometimes its ok to just go out with all guys and just have a fun night playing games or watching a movie or something. and even if girls are there that you know you have no chance with to just become their FRIENDS and nothing more. I need to try to let myself have fun no matter what the situation and no matter the people there. That is really hard for me latley, nothing really seems as fun as it used to. Even video games and the computer are becoming a bore to me. I cant help it and I don't know how to fix it. even when my friend(s) come in town I am still in this horrible rut. I used to be able to just sit around all day doing nothing with them and make a fun day out of it. Now, I don't get excited for anything anymore, I am just apathetic to anything and everything.
I am not sure what the problem with this is, maybe it is just my body's defense against getting hurt anymore in my life. I have been hurt a lot of times in my (love)life and I think my body just finally got sick of it and decided to take over for me by building this indestructible wall of emotion blocking. I am not sure the exact time that this wall was put up, but I may have an idea.. a while back I was in a relationship, in fact it was my first "real" relationship. When I say real I mean finally a relationship where that person loved me back. Up until then I always had these huge crushes that amounted to nothing because nobody ever loved me back. I can remember feeling the happiest I have ever felt back then because I was truly in love for the first time. As you can imagine though, when that fell apart, I was devastated. Especially because of the way it ended. horribly. Not only did it just end, but it got dragged on for months and months afterwards because I was trying to salvage it but she wanted nothing to do with it. It eventually all came down to her denying we ever had a thing and her never talking to me again. And in the first public saying of this to anyone other than my closest of friends, she called the cops on me. she said that I was stalking her at school and that I threatened her. Those were all lies. I did try to talk to her on the internet a lot so she had a lot of convos with me that she said were harassment. Let me tell you, that was, and still is the worst day I have ever felt in my entire life. I haven't talked to her since that day and that was over 2 years ago.
A little background on why? Sure, At this point in my life, she was my only friend. My best friend had moved off to college, and I did have one other friend.. but she was also friends with this girl. So when that ended, I not only lost my GF, but I also lost my best friend. ( I know that sounds cliche but it was true.) So the police dude ended up calling me and said that I am not allowed to ever talk to the girl or her friends again. Part of what made it so bad to me was the total unexpectedness of it. I mean I think that was WAY to far to go in the situation and it just made it hurt that much more. So flashback to the phone call now, He basically tells me that and then he hangs up. So I am on the verge of tears right now and I decide to call the only one I have left, the girl that is also friends with the EX. So I call her because I really needed a shoulder to cry on right then. My life was falling apart right before my eyes. It turns out she was in the car with the EX and the girl basically told me that she never wanted to see me again and that she was taking the EX'es side. So I hung up and I was devastated. I had nothing and nobody left in my life. Then to top it all off, 30 min later, the cop calls me back bitching at me for calling the friend trying to accuse me of only calling her to get a hold of the ex. fuck that, if I wanted to talk to her I would have just called her. I really only wanted to talk to the friend because I was about to lose it all right there. So long story short, he called back and thats when I just lost it, I just started crying uncontrollably because in the corse of 45 min I had lost everything that had any meaning to me in my life. That was the first and only time I had ever cried emotionally. It was horrible and I never want to have to go through anything like that again.
Wow, I think I got a little off topic there.. but hey, I was on a roll and maybe it will help to get all this out. I actually forgot the whole point of even revealing all of that... oh! yeah so I think thats when I just decided to give up on everything. I think that might have been the exact moment that my body put up that wall. because after that I have really not felt much. I think that whole ordeal broke me and I STILL have not gotten any closure of it. The bad part of that is that even now, if she were to just contact me and say "ya know what, I am sorry I did that too you, blah blah" I don't know if that would help anything. I mean yeah if she were to read this and do that, that would be awesome. but I think its past the point of sorry now.. I don't know if there is anything that can be done to save me.
I am not sure if any of this makes any sense to anyone, or if anyone has actually read this whole god awful long rambling post of mine.. but I just got on a roll. I don't even remember if I said everything I wanted about the whole "nice guy" thing because I got into the whole EX thing. whatever though.. I think I am tired of being deep and thoughtful right now. I will think of a lot more in the next couple of days though, so if you feel like reading more, be sure to come back.
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sms4001's journal
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