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Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
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1:14 am - hickeys
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I asked Patri to bite my neck a few days back. I looked like I'd gotten into a fight with a vacuum cleaner by the time he was through with me. Then this afternoon, he accidentally gave me a few more, which happened to be symmetrical with the ones he'd given me previously.
With the symmetry, today I look like I've got some sort of exotic Indian war paint on my neck.
I was really self conscious going to the gym afterward. Being as I know all of the trainers at this point, I got several comments:
"It looks like you had a good Mothers Day!"
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| Thursday, May 8th, 2008
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12:18 am - My Life Just Snapped into Place
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I'm not depressed. Lamictal is working for me.
I've been tracking my moods for about three weeks, since I've stabilized from the withdrawals from other meds, and I've been consistently stable, without drifting into heavy anxiety or depression for more than a couple of half days. This past week I haven't even had the half day dips.
I've been trying a wide variety of other mental explorations and coping mechanisms for a long time without significant effect, so I'm pretty certain that its not the case that one of them just magically started working.
I *do* think however that all the stuff I have been doing leading up to this shift is helping now.
It feels like a feedback loop. Getting my moods straightened out with drugs gave me space, and from there I was able to put into practice the many of the techniques I've learned, and reaped the benefits of other things such as being in shape and having a good diet.
I'd heard about how with being depressed it seems like the world sucks, and that irritants are more irritating, but I'm really seeing that now, from the other side.
Things that I'd been obsessing about that had been almost unbearable are not bothering me. They're still irritating, but not such a big deal. I'm truly appreciating the positive things in my life, as opposed to having them pretty much bounce off of me. I'm having the best sex of my life with Patri.
I've tried so many other drugs and had no effect (other than mania in one case), so I'm almost certain this is not a placebo effect. I just heard about another big study coming out showing that SSRIs are not effective. I just looked Lamictal up by its other name, Lamotrigine, and it appears affective for unipolar depression as well. For those in that category, I give it a strong recommendation.
Unlike with most drugs, I really like myself. Just myself without the part of self with virtually no redeeming qualities that used to drive me and everyone else who had to deal with me, crazy all the time.
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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10:49 pm - Elevator Statement
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8:56 pm - What I do round two
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I hold the space for clients to step into visualizations of multiple perspectives, and action potentials. From this space I work with my clients to help them make conscious choices regarding their approach and path.
I also help clients move into action by working with them to set goals and milestones for each session, and by being there with them to review their ongoing progress.
I aim to discover what each client really wants on a deep level, that would bring them fulfillment and help them thrive. I strive to help the client maintain a strong connection between this larger agenda and that of the day to day.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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6:51 pm - And the World Stopped.
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After rushing around like crazy all week, I rushed around doing errands this morning, went grocery shopping, took the business card design to Kinkos, picked up some developmental toys for Tovar, went to the gym, picked Tovar up from school, got home, and, SLAM.
There's nothing I have to do right now.
Ahhhh.
current mood: blissed out
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| Thursday, May 1st, 2008
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3:58 pm - business card :)
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When working on advertising for coaching, I bought flyer creating software, which for not much extra came with a couple of apps including a business card program. I've been enjoying my Printfolio Suite a lot.
Patri made a last minute decision to go to a conference in Texas in less than a week, and needed business cards. Given that we already had the logo from the website, I was able to whip this up in under fifteen minutes. I spent a good hour or so on experimenting with other versions and fighting with the buggy pdf conversion, but still, not bad. Its too late to order the prints online, so hopefully Kinkos will hook us up tomorrow.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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2:57 pm - Where My Time Goes
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Its been the norm for awhile for me to not feel like I do much and also to not feel like I have much free time. Given this paradox, and a good conversation with ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) radiantsun, I decided to sit down and figure out where my time has been going. As it turns out, while I am not a full time mom, I'm still working close to the hours of a full time job taking care of my son. Come to think of it, I will be up to a full time job's worth of hrs starting next week, because we're going to cut back the nanny's hrs and turn Sunday into Family Day.
My time not accounted for here are my mornings -> afternoon on Wed/Fri, and nanny/babysitter time that I spend with Patri on weekends and evenings, which I'm lucky to have a lot of :) Since Patri and I are pretty possessive of our time together, that doesn't leave a lot for hanging out with friends, although I do get to see them from time to time. Thankfully most of my friends are at peace with the notion that I'm a home body.
Here're my recurring events:
( My Schedule )
Scheduled time = 46.5hrs
Tovar time = 35hrs
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10:13 am - Save the Date
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| Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
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2:38 pm - Creative Resourceful and Whole
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A friend was asking me about what sort of advise I give in coaching the other night.
As I told her, a cool thing about the coaching model that I follow (coactive) is that its not about giving advise. Among many other things, its about helping others explore different perspectives to help them be better able to come up with their own effective solutions. There are three different styles of coaching that I've studied: Fulfillment, Balance, and Process. Balance is the one I'm describing here. A coach, as an individual, can of course give advise, its just not what we're trained to do.
One of the fundamental techniques we use is asking "powerful questions," which are typically started with "How" or "What." Basically, things that really get the client exploring their thoughts. Whys are less powerful, I'm quite really sure why, maybe because they tend to be more closed. Questions with yes/no answers are to be avoided.
The core assumption made in coactive coaching is that the client is Creative Resourceful and Whole. The answers are already in the client, the coach is just helping the client find them.
In my experience, and I think for a lot of others, its rare to get advise that I haven't already thought of. I think the reason for this is that we all have a lot more going on than our focal points and perspectives that we most often commit to.
Often we take perspective and focal points without considering how well they are aligned with our values and goals relative to other perspectives. Hence, coaching helps clients explore different areas of focus and perspective and to bring them to a point of conscious choice. The coach also helps with goal setting and accountability. Its standard for the coach to give the client a request (homework), which the coach will either have the client email them about or discuss at the next session.
When I coach someone its a common experience for me to have them come up with whatever advise I might have given them themselves, and for their resulting perspectives and actions to be better suited to them and more effective than the advise I might have given them.
The place coaches do assert their thoughts is in "blurting" intuitions. Basically, offering ideas or perspectives which the client can opt to consider or not. Its suggested for coaches to say something like "taking my coaching hat off for a moment" if they are going to offer their own knowledge for the client to consider.
Another common question about coaching is how it differs from therapy. The main difference is that therapy looks back from the now, sometimes all the way to childhood, whereas coaching focuses on the present to the future. In coaching the interest is in what we can do with the way we are now, in regard to the present and the future, as opposed to how it is that we came to be the way we are now.
A lot of therapy approach is also future focused these days, and coaches mix their own styles in with their training, so in practice there is a lot of overlap. If someone seems depressed or disturbed and is not seeing a therapist, the coach will send them to one. Coaches generally have no objection to working with someone who is in therapy at the same time.
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9:03 am - Getting Schooled on Cold Sores :)
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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9:34 am - CS poll
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Voting is open to everyone. Results are only open to me. I'll post percentages later if they don't show up. Comments are viewable.
Poll #1179081 Cold Sores
Open to: All, results viewable to: NoneDo you think that people should disclose before kissing if they've had cold sores in the past even if they do no have active ones? Would you think twice about kissing someone if you knew they'd had cold sores in the past but were not currently active?
Since the poll begs the question I will answer: I don't have HSV personally. My goal in asking is to access how risk averse my peers are regarding HSV I.
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(48 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 25th, 2008
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10:40 pm - Process.
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What. A. Day.
Today was my first day of Process coaching training with CTI.
As discussed in class today, the first two styles I studied, Fulfillment and Balance, are about forwarding the action. Goal oriented, making progress. Process Coaching, is about being in the here and now. My understanding is that as a coach, it is my job to be a Witness for the client, and to keep them in their emotions, in the now.
Honestly I don't entirely understand it yet. But its the first of three days, and the leaders assured us that we weren't supposed to get it today, and that things would be much clearer tomorrow.
As to my own experience, I was once again brought to *that edge.* In class we alternate between being the coach and client with each other, and for the long stretch of coaching that we had, the guy who was coaching me was awesome.
I started off with a good self-referential topic: that I have a hard time picking topics. This went a lot of different directions, and eventually lead to him giving a visualization based on what I'd said. He saw me as:
Having encased myself in a plexiglass box, which I can see out of, but which doesn't give me any room to move and which I don't get out of. Outside of the box are many long knives swirling around, which are representative of my extremely harsh self-judgement. I don't leave the box because if I did I would get shredded.
That visualization is one that feels accurate. I love his metaphor. He got to the same places everyone else with psych experience gets to: that I'm really harshly critical of myself and don't live fully because of it, etc.
On one hand, every time someone hits on one of these sorts of points, I tend to dismiss it because I've been there so many times. I tell myself that I'm just being attention seeking and should knock it off. Or, I think that its pointless.
And of course, especially when working with someone who knows their stuff, the terrain is different with every pass. I learn a new piece to the puzzle, I get a new perspective.
In writing that all out, it seems like a clear conclusion right now that this work is not pointless. I am making progress, I am fleshing out my understanding. If I am patient I will gain the understanding and the tools to actually rewire myself. It makes sense that this process is proceeding slowly, because I've spent a lifetime getting to where I am today. Compared to my lifetime, this process is actually going quite quickly.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 18th, 2008
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4:45 am - Klonopin Withdrawals
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So I am getting withdrawals after all, they're just taking a different form than last time. Last time I had a headache and nausea for three days first, and then a night of not being able to sleep. This time, at least thus far, I have not gotten the headache or nausea. However, tonight I really can't sleep. Not being able to sleep is a typical Klonopin withdrawal symptom.
I've also been ruminating tonight, which is something I wasn't doing at night when on Klonopin, but I believe for a different reason than what I'd expected. Initially I assumed that whatever anti-anxiety effects of Klonopin would be a result of what the drug did to my brain. However, I'm realizing tonight, that, while sort of an effect on my brain, the most significant effect (that I'm aware of) that Klonopin had on my anxiety (its an anti-angxiety + sleep drug) was to make me tired enough to fall asleep right away at night, when I'm prone to ruminating.
Two things that are positive in this:
1) The sleep problems probably won't be as bad once I adjust to not being on Klonopin.
2) I was able to turn my ruminating tonight into constructive thinking.
Number two is something that I don't recall ever happening during my night ruminations in the past. I suspect that the improvement is a combination of the studying I've done over this past year and not feeling depressed.
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| Thursday, April 17th, 2008
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11:19 pm - Spiritual Front and Med update
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When I wrote this part a few days ago, I wrote:
I'm fed up with all the self help work. The workshops and whatnot are fun at the time, and perhaps mind opening. But then I just come back to the world where my baseline is to be depressed. Hopefully my baseline will change some with mood stabilizer drug adjustments, but even then, there's something... off. I think I need to be spending my energy at a more solid, every day sort of level. More fleshing out, less trying to find a point of change. I'm not quite sure what I mean by that.
At this point, I'm feeling a lot more positive. The experience where Buddhist philosophy came up for me was heartening (see comments for a more detailed description), and I've also started turning back to some basics I learned at the Effective Influence conference.
I think I still need awhile before I'd be able to soak up useful things from more intense studies, but I'm glad to have some of what I've done sinking in. Overall I feel that I'm currently at a point where I just need some downtime to regroup and mellow out.
I haven't been depressed or swingy over the past few days! I'm still used to being negative and revert to it easily, but with feeling better, I've felt like I've been able to make some space for some good slow and steady change. I'm going to start up my ten positive things list again, makesmesmiley.
( meds )
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
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3:16 pm - Coaching and Buddhism Collide
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I'm already running late for the gym, as part of my coaching training, I've hired my own personal coach, and our appointment ran way over.
But quickly while this is still fresh:
I just spent an hour describing how I identify with ego as self and how I'm very resistant to giving that up.
It took me awhile to realize what was going on, but I'm very amused to be giving a precise argument against the philosophy I most identifying with.
Perhaps working on my personal psychology can make me happier after all ;)
current mood: deeply amused
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| Tuesday, April 15th, 2008
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7:23 pm - Gym and Knees
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Physical things have been up and down over the past few months. On the positive, I've lost about six pounds and put on a lot of muscle since starting to work out in November. I'm at the gym all the time and have gotten a good routine going.
On the negative, my knees are at the worst they've been in years. ( More about Knee Suckage )
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| Monday, April 14th, 2008
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11:19 pm - bipolar meds and acceptance
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I'm changing bipolar meds. This past month I've been slowly weaning off Klonopin and Risperdal, which has meant a long stream of nasty drug withdrawals.
( more about med changes )
I've been on the fence about whether or not I'm actually bipolar, but have finally decided to step off of it. I do believe that I have bipolar disorder, although my case is relatively mild. With just one potential episode of mania, which most of you followed, I wasn't so sure, but I just went back and reread "The Chocolate Incident." ( more about the chocolate incident )
It would be a lot more fun to be bipolar if I had more manic episodes like the two I've had, as opposed to years of a persistent baseline mood of mildly depressed, with only a few weeks of a baseline of really enjoying life. The hope is that with Lamictal, I can have a baseline of normal, complete with love and appreciation of myself and the world.
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10:46 pm - rough month
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Its been a rough month, but with hope of improvement. I've been writing an update, but since its really long, I aim to post it in daily segments over the next week.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
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11:10 am - Effective Influence and Race
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The Effective Influence conference that I attended had a major impact on me. This is for two reasons. One is personal growth. Another is one that I hadn't seen coming. I have been skimming the top on the issue of racism.
I believed myself not to be racist. I never delved into the issues. I grew up not knowing many black people, and never getting into racial conversations with those I did know.
It never occurred to me to think about how it must feel like, as a black man, to have people cross the in fear street as I approach. As a regular experience in my life. It never occurred to me what it would be like to live as a black woman, in a white professional work environment, being treated as a representative for my entire race.
At the conference I was really impressed, having a better perspective on the different experiences of people of color and whites. I feel that I now understand that difference a lot better than I did, and I feel that I am privileged.
In light of what I was learning, one of the most powerful exchanges for me was between a white woman and a black woman. The white woman asked: "which do you prefer, black or African American?" Someone else in the group pointed out that someone white would never be asked a similar question. Culturally in the US, we take it for granted that white people are individuals. People of minorities are use to being classified in groups. My African American friend who was being spoken to was so used to questions about her categorization that she didn't notice the subtext of the categorization until it was pointed out.
When we divided into groups, related to The System* exercise, the most passionate response of the white people at the front was to be offended by being categorized. The organizer said that this is essentially what every group of people in the front of the line say when he does this exercise.
After The System exercise, we had a group lecture where a facilitator discussed how more privileged people don't tend to realize the experience of minorities, because they don't have to. They "are" treated as individuals, and therefore don't have the experience to understand what its like to walk into a room and know that the first thing people will notice is the color of their skin.
As a Jew of my generation, I haven't experienced much racism. But I've heard my dad talk about how Jews weren't allowed into places that we've passed which he pointed out, not many years ago. It hurts to hear, and I don't forget it. As a Jew I can blend. I can ignore racism. My black friends cannot.
I just watched Obama's speech on racism and was moved to tears. I have not studied his campaign and do not feel that I have enough information to judge his politics.
I have just attended a conference from which I now have a much better understanding of his racial messages. It pains me that I probably wouldn't have spent the time to watch that video a mere month ago. It pains me that I probably wouldn't have understood it if I had watched it.
This video is not short, but if you can make the time, I implore you to watch it with an open mind and heart. History is being made.
* I will talk more about The System in another post
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| Thursday, January 31st, 2008
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10:14 am - taking another break
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Its time for me to take another livejournal break.
Time to move out of my head into my life. I'm going to be gone for three months again. I'll try to strike a good balance when I come back.
By then, I may or may not have moved. I hope to have my meds straightened out, especially after this recent wake up call as to how powerful they are.
And, I am getting a lot of practice with coaching, and may have a handful of paying clients by then. I got my first serious hit from Google Ads this morning, a guy who found my ad gave me a call, and we've scheduled the free trial session.
Life goes on, be well.
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