Charlotte

last night was just one of those nights best spent at home- but i had a going away party to attend for a friend whose leaving left for israel this morning.
i was walking down 184. struggling with my bag, blister giving rain boots, and an umbrella- i could tell i was sweating through a clean shirt, my hair was getting stringy from the rain- i felt an absolute wreck.
and i pass this guy- short latino man- and he has stopped a bit to my side and is staring.
for some reason i couldn't let this go- and i snappishly ask What. and i get in response. You're beautiful.

i slightly resent being uber snappy- but it's not like i could have helped him out in any way.
so i said thank you and kept walking.


this past week i got a haircut.
and for some reason- no matter where- as soon as i sit down in the chair i feel like the picture of my 3 yr old self getting her hair cut for the first time
squirmy and slightly ready to bawl.
the cut is pretty nice. :)


i'm hoping that we do something today. otherwise i'm just going stir crazy.

I bought this skirt when I was 15. and I vaguely remember getting my mom to buy it from me.
you know those mall kiosks? this one sold hippie gear.
and i instantly fell in love with this ankle length skit and it's drawstrings that ended with 3 little bells.
I loved all the colors, the texture, and how beautiful it made me feel.
and I wore it and wore and wore it.
but as I got older, the less I wore it. maybe the last time was purim 3 years ago.
There are holes in some places that i can't be bothered to fix- rather my mom isn't here to fix them.

just- i can't believe i still have it. i have plenty of clothin i really want to sell but this skirt isn't going anywhere
15. that's 10 years ago. the waistband's elastic is shot. the drawstrings are pretty faded- pale pink.
there are some patches that are totally defuzzed.
i'm pretty sure i was going through a clothing phase where i was determined to not be boring.
and i dressed pretty weirdly. somebody should have locked my closet.
maybe i'll wear it to work.
brown birk clogs, white long sleeve shirt, long gray sweater duster.

i feel like such a little kid. i got presents! i got presents!!!!
squeeee!


ok. yes i have to brag. b/c well-
for the very first time i have my very own brand new computer
not a hand-me down
not used
not totally fucked beyond use.

new.
my first laptop for college- a friend's brother. and he destroyed the hard drive.
second- bf in law's dad sells and buys computers- crapped up thing that worked for a while
3rd- mordy wins rollingstone contest and gets new macbook- i get old dell

and now my very own nice new computer.

however brand new kittehs and kittens and cats- still very much better than computers :)

birthday- not much.
i went to work armed with birthday treats
hilary made me a cake!
mordy took me out to dinner/dessert
went back to work.
came home.

i generally don't have much to complain about the mta. i have never gotten royally screwed before.
before.

i catch - really make a run for it- the 1 at 86th.
all fine till 137th where they tell us that the train's last stop is 137th and we can catch the next up going uptown.
it comes. and it empties and everyone heads out.
basically 200-300 people
some head to the downtown side like they were told. some got cabs right away
some ran from downtown side to theuptown and back around again
and some waited for the bus- m5 going to the GWB

i remembered that dominick and bill- co workers must have caught the train right behind mine and i called dom. and we all caught a cab uptown
started to drizzle.

got home at 1am.

but a serious major WTF.
no previous warning.
no posted delays via email

just up and hey guess what screw you




side note
is it new york or something
no matter what i clean it always feels dirty.
the bathroom- oh it's dirty
kitchen? looks like shit

can't wait for the kids to take their stuff out of our apartment (abby and a friend)

and warped tour for nyc was today.
and i've re-installed last.fm and i've got teen idols playing
and last week i saw ted leo and the pharmacists and i'm reminded how much punk/ska music is so predictable.
you can fist pump the air with a regular beat- you know how the music goes before you're in the crowd and they start their set.
without question you can guess what the song is about even before you know whose playing.

and i decided today that i've gotta sell out
i'm tired of being poor, always questioning when and how dinner is gonna happen.
i work a shitty retail job where i can't move up b/c it's the fucking Man.
so i should go work for someone who can at least pay me for my misery.

who hates themselves raise your hand

not all at once. please.

i want nice clothes
i want to go out at night
i want to not hate myself for hating people
i want to be able to say yes i support what i believe in b/c i have time
i DO NOT WANT to worry about money any more.
i want to buy the freshly made peanut butter at fairway b/c commercial stuff is gross
and i still have a jar of it in the kitchen

i don't need a lot.
i just want $30 to not feel life or death anymore.


FUCK YOU LIFE I HATE YOU.
or do i just hate myself....









unrelated-
i have this friend whose totally is stuck in college years.
i hate those 4 years so much. i just wanted to grow the fuck up. i wanted to be old enough to be out and about, not a little kid trying to hard.
i wanted to live the city. not just exist on 34th street.
i might not have gotten the best gpa ever- it really sucked
but i learned so much about myself and the city that i know i'm going to live in for the rest of my life
i spent nights out and about- concerts bars people poets rockers wannabe rockers and kitties

and she still all like 'remember that time.....'
i do.
and i didn't come out of it fricking suicidal. or more messed up than when i started.

i don't want to ever go back.
it's like high school- nice when it happened- no way in fucking hell do i wanna do it over.


but it still comes down to- what do i want to with my life.
and all i hear are crickets.
w.t.f


i really don't want this post to end since it's the first time in a long time i've felt good/listened to music that i've missed/thought about what's already passed/openly said what's going on.

i'm lost in my own life.
please don't go away, that all i want is you to stay- allister/somewhere on fullertone

now this just me- me with random thoughts- nothing to great right here

i've noticed quite a few ppl on facebook- my "friends" and whatnot- with significantly older fiancees or hubs.
with age comes (supposedly) maturity, desire to be a family kids or not, and financial stability.
weekends in the hamptons, tight jobs, jewelry for the wife...

do i sound jealous?i hope not.
b/c my boy is 24. and i'm 24. and our lives have dovetailed at the right moment.

but money. gd almighty. money is such a bitch.
there has to be a day coming where we'll have our jobs and another cat and the contemplation of a puppy.

would i upgrade age factor?
at one point i wouldn't have even looked at a guy my age (when i was 20)- but nothing replaces the lack of a semi-generation gap.

this is for any bourgie freak out there

ANY store/chain that closes and lays off thousands of workers is NOT a good thing
is sbux at it's core?
sure  why the fuck not

give ppl what they want. quick coffee strong

but clearly it's not since stores are closing

i knew ppl @ sbux who supported families. and now- no jobs? and the market sucks more than ever.

i realized today that i must have left my new navy blue linen dress in italy at teh hotel or something
i can't find it.
i was so pissed- i'll say why i'm not so much in a minute

i get on the train. after 2 stops i get a seat and in a minute a woman sits next to me.
i think at 168th this frail looking woman gets on, and the woman next to me stands up and reaches over to gesture to the old woman- who looks up and SLAPS the hand that dares to come near her.
it was a real resounding smack.
i was in such shock and for the 2nd time, in real fear of something on the subway.

what a scary old bitch. she slithered off at 125th.

i remembered that at filenes i saw this dress i really loved- also blue, silk and cotton, fitted at 14 a little big- so i tried the only size they had-12 and it's just just right. 100 sit ups later it'll be great.
and it was uber discounted this time...great b/c last time it was 70$

so i now have a summer blue dress again.
but fuck fuck fuck i loved that linen dress

work was fine

but i really have to wonder- what the hell brings it out in people- the stupidity the meanness the slow quick of the draw the pettiness....
is it the economy? b/c it scares me too
is it life? b/c gd it can suck
is it....

for me it's lack of my kitten. who i thankfully see tomorrow
i'm trying to find this book for mordy- rollingstone cover to cover archives. kinda hard...ugh

happy 4ths.

well now-
this past sunday we came back from italy.
i went the yu summer trip of 12 boys to rome and florence

a really great trip. i think i saw every important art place.
davids' and doors and fountains....
for 2 weeks

someday i'll ge a flickr account and just put everything up there
and our apartment is pretty quiet since our kittie is at the inlaws in philly

work is work
atmosphere is a little tense
and i just want to say
i'm grateful for living in nyc. in our apartment while the rest of the country goes down the shitter

if doonesbury is taking a crack at the mortgage problems- you know it's bad

i'm trying really hard- kinda- sorta
okay not really.

to get the place in order
i figure if we can do a really decent job(notice the "really"s) for passover

therefore cleaning up for when we go to italy won't be so bad

if xxx then xxx

yesterday- i had myself a monroe moment. walking over the subway grate next to kmart on astor- and ooop! there goes a train underneath and my skirt decides to fly...thankfully not too high.

ugh. and it was weird to NOT HAVE MY B&N THERE
i hate new york and it's damn leases.

I stumbled upon a really really good vegan frosting recipe.
And I'm not even vegan! I use whatever non-dairy or otherwise ingredients that I have on hand.

It's pretty good with margarine and soy milk and pretty good with real butter!
either way it's a win win.

here's the site

http://www.veganchef.com/vgnbttrcrm.htm

my sister just made the vanilla butter cream for a strawberry shortcake. and oh yum.

now- this is pure observation-
people in GENERAL   including myself
can't remember titles or things for shit

eat pray love by gilbert has been butchered in so many ways.
new earth by tolle- usually goes like this- that new book about new something earth is in the title.
blah blah blah

but i can't even remember to feed the cat, so i don't judge

anyways- yesterday there was a gruesome accident at the 168th 1 stop.
there was even a mention on gothamist, but just a mention
some was struck by a northbound 1 train
we all heard the screams.
but i don't know what happened and it's just fine like that.

i was sitting next to the only other white woman in the car- since i had gotten on at181 and the whole train was conversing in spainish- we started talking. very nice woman from the bronx- most likely riverdale but i didn't pry-
and we got on to the subject of biking around town which is something i've been really considering.
yes i would still take out a metrocard but 1 way is better than 2 ways as i would take the train home at night.
she told me of a site- alternative transportation........
i go to look it up- transportation alternatives

ok ok it's not that far off and i DID find it.
moral- never trust people at their word since they get their words mixed up.

thank you kind bronx woman for talking to me yesterday, made getting to work a little easier

but will always be my kitten

i forget exactly when his bday is b/c we were in FL last year.i know he was born before we got back- about 2 days before we left.
and we had to wait a few weeks.

so we- I just say it was apirl 1st.
would be around the same time

so my baby kitteh is now 1 yrs old.
he's the most good natured sweet and loving
slightly cat crazy racing through the apartment

cat i've ever seen.

otherwise things are just fine.

being available.


i took myself out of the maalotwashington.com group.
no one ever posts anything relevant.
i've only had bad experiences with people on it
-like the job that wasn't a job
-the guy who was giving something away for free and offered to help move it but wanted $ for that and didn't say so in the ad
- and now i really would love to hitch a ride with someone downtown to get to work b/c MAYBE someone has an empty car and has to go that way and driving one other person is still better on the environment then your single butt in the car.


in short- i don't know what's up with people these days
they're mean, short sighted and ready to bitch you out at a moments notice.

is it new york?
the time of year?
me being too innocent and naive? to think that there are nice people in the world who would willingly do a favor?

of course i can take the train like everyone else. but can YOU let someone into your car whose part of your community for 20 minutes?

so today i hope wont be a crazy day a the store
yesterday was-
a woman kept repeatedly falling asleep in the cafe and after several approaches, the managers were called in.
the woman flipped out.
called our Indian/American manager a fascist
and our paid detail/our store nypd for the day and other manager had to escort a screaming woman out
and while they were all outside waiting for cops to come, she stood there and screamed anti-semetic crap at our manager who ISN'T EVEN JEWISH!!


yep. that was my day. and a lot of super super bitchy, rude, obnoxious people all day long. including the author of a book who came in and made himself look like a rude asshole.
no. i don't have real power to put a book somewhere- only slightly.
and coming in and being a jerk REALLY ensures that it won't ever the light of first floor. ever.
and i mean you too mrs. seinfield. being a bitch does no one any good.

and btw- i'm only a bookseller- i have NOT A CLUE to how to get things published. there are more books for those. on another floor, another section.

i was almost happy to go to work today- that maalot post just killed my day.
and i've got a long way to go too.

and oh yeah i have to drop my class, i DON'T have to drop it. but when a professor drops a anti-semetic dis in class. i can't sit there and pretend i'm down with that.

yay for italy?
now i can read up on travel books at work. woohoo!

i'm either thinking of transferring stores.
or a second job
or a whole other job.
i love what i do. not the people however. and not the pay. but i do like insurance. paid for my ENT.

first a word-
i'm dropping my graduate class.
my professor while talking about pre-medieval spanish art started off
"i'm not racist class"
pause pause
"but those figures had really big jewish noses"

i was stunned.
shocked. and i didn't really think of it till now
i can't take a class from someone who spurts out anti-antisemitism

i can hear in my head- man up kiddo, it was just words
or
buck up it's no big deal

but it is! with jews in teh classs, in teh school and fucking NEW YORK CITY
wtf. it's not right.
so out of pure principal. i'm no longer attending a class on wednesday evenings

in june!
a wedding
a bat-mitzvah (oh yes i have jewish family! :-p)
and we're going to ITALY! with the yu honors summer program.


purim was nice. drank a lot.
hung out.
sister is around since she's at stern now.
joshy poo brother in law hung out with us

so all in all- life is okay

yes it has finally happened.
i am admitting that i am a cat lady

i dunno what it is tho- this little guy, barley a year old is the best animal i've ever had in my life

he greets me at the door
stretches to my knees for attention, curls in my lap, sleeps at my head, the head kisses alone just make me melt.

but something about snorgling in his fuzzy little head makes every worry go away.

something about his complete trust in me is astounding.
he's got like 5 brain cells, and i'm sure if he could talk, he'd say they belong to me.

arielle- my kitteh growing up- she was the family cat.and after i went to college she became abby-my sister-'s cat.
but she also seemed to trust me to no end.

i love the kittehs man.
and this one is teh bestest.


in other news- i hate school
work is ok
boy is awesome sauce.

my cookie habit- well under way

taco salad is the best
grab a bag of your desired salad- i like to pick up romaine, the one with cabbage and carrots
add in whatever southereny veges you like
i add in red onions, any kind of sweet pepper, tomato, black olives
crunched up tortilla chips/tostitos
and mix up mayo and salsa

mix up together. i swear you won't be disappointed.
and i would think an interesting kick would be to add some morningstar "sausage" fyi is kosher but dairy.

yay for lunch

how weird tho- i dreamed ALL night of ice cream and japanese and indian deserts.
i'm gonna try to leave early and get ice cream today.

well. i'm sure as we all know- being sick sucks. makes us realize how much we love our bodies when healthy.

i can't wait to hear fully out of both ears.

if i tell you that the book you want isn't showing up in the system
it's very possible

it just doesn't fucking exist.
and i've been at my job long enough that i know how to look for things.
piss me off
and guess what

less inclined to give a crap about your stupid book


long day

really long day

for the last two nights we've opted to sleep on our futon in the living room instead of our heatless bedroom.

thankfully the weather is warmer now and we can move back in. my back certainly needs it.
someday, we'll get a real couch.

feels like a really long week and its only hump day
and it's rainy and snowy
and i've got so much reading to do- ugh

need nap.