revolution

I am tired of being marginalized. I am tired of being silenced. I am tired of having my wants ignored, even when I ask for them. More than anything, I'm tired of everyone else trivializing my anger, including my psychologist.

Fuck you, Ryo, for saying you'd meet up with me and then forgetting about it.
Fuck you, Lief, for telling me to calm down and stop whining.
Fuck you, Cassie, for not calling, and for stringing me along with your goddamn flirting.
Fuck you, Dr. Hanson, for thinking my anger is cute.
More than anything, fuck you, society, for enforcing the belief that it's not okay for women to express anger. It's that belief that's making you roll your eyes at me right now.

You know what? I'm GLAD Lief said I sounded like the homicidal cases he reads about. I'm GLAD he's unnerved. I'm GLAD I freaked him out, even though he swiftly did his best to contain me.

I'm so explosively angry I know nobody is going to take me seriously, and it pisses me off to no end. You know why? If a guy was explosively angry, people would cower and get out of his way, for the most part. Does that happen with me? No. I'm either cute, funny, or hideously unfeminine. A threat to the fucking system, so I have to get shut down.

It's no wonder I want to be damn well left alone. Fuck society and its obsession with idealistic beauty, too.

"This year in an effort to elevate stress during finals for both residents & staff Centennial Hall will offer two methods for checking out before you leave for the year."

Congratulations, Housing & Residential Life, you still suck. Also, you need a comma.

I have slept 15 hours out of the last 22.5, and I'm still tired.

Damn, I really am sick.

But hopefully Brit Lit and my scholarship essay (urk) will go off without a hitch, and I can get lots of sleep tonight and not die.

Yeah.

I love biting into cold apples. They're so much firmer and crisper-feeling that way. Sweeter, too. And they're a good balm for chapped lips, or so it seems.

As usual, class is about to start, and as usual, I feel like I'm having a heart attack. God, I'm nervous, but it'll be good to get this thing rolling so I can stop freaking and start dealing with it.

"Sucks like a horseshoe: I believe that you are the person that came up with this NaNoism. I don't get it. Can you please explain it to me? I posted in the 'Sucks like a horseshoe' thread, and it seems to have everybody laughing. I want to laugh! So can you explain it to me?"



God, I get weird emails.

TO DO

clean room
treadmill
call Amiee
hang out with Bruce
hang out with Kristin
call Cassie
call Lief
… quit dodging the bullet…

scholarship application! (English)
internship grant application
get passport
edit Mikaela’s thing
look for books at half-price bookstore
FINISH PORTFOLIO



Where IS Cassie?

I wish she was around.

(NOT written by me.)

----

Have you ever noticed how some people have an amazing ability to find reasons for not actually doing anything; taking risks, getting uncomfortable, making tough decisions, being pro-active, being responsible for the state of their life, relationships, body, finances.

Not you or I of course... but perhaps someone you know.

I'm too old.
I'm too fat.
I'm not the academic one.
I'm not the athletic one.
I'm not smart enough.
I have a terrible memory.
I don't know anything about business.
I'm not the writer, he's the writer.
My sister's the one with the great genetics.
And so on...

We... err sorry, they, pigeon-hole themselves into personal-growth paralysis.

"I would love to have my own blog site... but I can't write.... and anyway, who would want to read what I have to say; I'm boring...I don't have a qualification in anything..... and I tried something similar once before.... but my brother; he's a genius... you should listen to him!"

They spend their life justifying and rationalising their psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual, financial and professional stagnation.

Sometimes they even get angry at the world.
Or God.

'Cause that's gonna help.

Sometimes they really work at it and get bitter, grumpy and resentful because apparently, life dealt them some crap cards. Years blend into one another and while they are unhappy with much of their life, they don't actually do anything to change it.

Year after year, their life wreaks of sameness.
Because they constantly focus on what they can't do (or think they can't do).

They are forever having the same conversations about the same issues.... but don't do anything. They tell themselves (and anyone stupid enough to listen) how disadvantaged they are, so then they don't actually have to get off their arse and change their situation or circumstance because obviously.... it's all beyond their control.

Sure it is Pinocchio.
Boo Hoo.

One of my favourites is when people decide that they're too old for pretty much everything.

Their body is not the problem; their thinking is.
Age is more about attitude, beliefs and choices than it is about physiology, or years on the planet. I've met so many people who have successfully turned themselves into 'old people' in a matter of months.
It's quite the skill.
They think old, talk old, act old, live old... and then become old.

So many obese people have remained obese because apparently it's genetic!
"Mum's big, my sisters are all big and my dad's huge."

"Err, perhaps you all eat too much!"

"I bet if I took your family for a six month holiday at camp Craig and I controlled your food, your activity level and your exercise regime... there would be no fat family."
But, you keep telling yourself it's all about your DNA, then you won't have to take responsibility for your crappy eating, your unhealthy lifestyle happy, the gallon of coke per day or your 300lb body.

I apologise if I sound harsh but if you listened to the verbal crap that I listen to on a daily basis... you'd be blunt as well.

So, let's:

Stop finding reasons to fail!
Stop finding reasons to do nothing.
Focus on what we can change...
Can do.
Can control.

Can you change your attitude? Yes.
Can you eat less? Yes. (I didn't ask, is it easy?)
Can you make different choices today? Yes.
Can you surprise yourself and others today? If you choose to.
Can you work around your hurdles, obstacles and challenges? Yes.
Can you communicate differently from now? Yes.
Can you work on your weaknesses while maximising your strengths? Yes.
Can you learn new things at any age? Yes.
Can you create genuine, forever, inside-out change starting today? If you choose to.
Can you change destructive habits today? Yep...will it be easy.. probably not - do you want it enough? You tell me.
Can you make a decision now, right now in that chair which will change your life forever. Yep.

If you choose to.

Life's about choices.
Choices shape lives.
People make choices.
Or not.

Do you want an amazing life?
Do you want to be an amazing person?
Do you want to have amazing experiences.
Then do an amazing thing.
Get uncomfortable.
Now.
Even though it's not practical, convenient or comfortable... make that decision.
Don't just talk about it, read about it and think about it.
Do it.

Some of you are feeling uncomfortable now.
You know why?
Because you know what you need to change... and you know it won't be easy at times.
Do it anyway.
Surprise yourself.
Be different.
Be courageous.
I dare you.

You know that every successful endeavour starts with an idea and a decision.
You know that (for many of us) the right time never comes...

So why don't you, right here and now, address that thing... and make that decision.
And if you feel compelled, share it with us; it might help you create some momentum... (hey, at least you'll have a few thousand of us to keep you honest.... and we're on your team).

Go Team!!!

By Craig Harper
Published: 1/18/2007

I feel really sad whenever I look at my journal this time last year. I didn't even make any New Year's resolutions, which is a very not-me thing to do. It seems so obvious now, looking back on it, that I was kind of screwed up then. (Was it obvious to everyone else, I wonder?) I just remember feeling cold and not caring about anything or--well, anyone, really.

I'm so glad that things are better now.

I love you.

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		12
Physical Touch:		6
Words of Affirmation:		6
Acts of Service:		5
Receiving Gifts:		1

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

I need to know more extroverts so I can get out of my head.

To do before leaving:

- finish 3rd draft for fiction
- sell back textbooks
- get Lief a present (urk?)
- pack
- submit to Ivory Tower
- hang out with Cassie, Alicia, Richard
- MLC dinner

....uuuh...

yeah.

OK, so after 40 minutes of trying to put dangly earrings, jabbing myself over and over, and bleeding, mopping up my ear, searching for my post earrings, finding them, jabbing myself again, and pinching my ears trying to tighten them...

These earrings are staying in for the next 3 months, period. Or at the very least I'm only wearing post ones. I'm only supposed to wear those anyway. (I ought to at least get some post earrings in different colors.)

My ears are all swollen, poor things. It's a little easier now for me to put the post earrings in, but still, all that jabbing and squeezing can't be good for them.

Knowing I only have to get 65% on my final paper to get an A- in the class is making me really, really not care about writing it.

However, I only have 3 hours left to finish it, and I have only 3 rough pages. I need at least another 3, and I need to edit the damn thing. And, um, read my sources.

*sighs* Let's get this damn thing over with.

Not gonna lie. I feel depressed again.

I wish I had more intrinsic warmth. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't feel so ... cold and abandoned all the time.

Goddamn it. Goddamn ME. I need to grow up.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

FINISHED! HELL YES!

50240, and I even slapped an ending together. Perfect.

And my nanowrimo mug is on the way in the mail.

I am so so so so so relieved to have this damn thing done...

but you know what? There's some salvageable material in there. I think I'm going to work on it over winter break. 1000 words a day, or something like that.

But for now... I'm going to party (or relax) like there's no tomorrow! Haha!

48280. *pants*

SO TIRED.

But I'm gonna do it, hell yeah!

SCREAMING KIDS THAT DON'T LISTEN MAKE ME WANT TO EXPLODE. I hate disrespect in all forms, even if it's in the form of a six-year-old kid who doesn't know the irritation he causes.

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

I don't want to lead fiction discussion, go to my interview, or God help me, write my nanowrimo novel. I just want to play videogames and eat. And then take a nap here and there. Go me, right? I'm so awesome.

I am so so so so so tired. I am exhausted of being "productive". I am tired of going to classes, tired of preparing assignments, tired of slogging through word count. Tired of overthinking. When I get stressed, I run through my mind all the things I need to do, what I'll do, what I'll say to someone, how things will transpire. It's kind of exhausting. I just can't let go--my brain runs and runs in circles for hours at a time.

Before bed tonight, I need to:

get to 37500 words
type up presentation notes and practice
classmates’ responses
2 response papers
amnesty emails
prepare for interview

Because I won't have time for any of it tomorrow. UGH.